. . . .but i won't feel blue, like i always do

heavy and dark

i am going through a real crappy time right now.

i don't even know what to say.

just a couple of weeks ago, i really thought things could not get any worse.

but wow. life sure kicks you in the ass and teaches you to not take things for granted like that, because things can get worse.

although i must keep in mind that i should be grateful for some things -- like being alive, having a roof over my head, having food, and at least one or two people who care about me.

but i have to say that, while there may be some fight in, there have been a few times where i do want to give up completely. no longer put up a fuss. no longer take a stand. just kind of receded into the background.

the only person i have to turn to lately is my therapist. she's the one person who helps me hold it all together and remains steadfast for me throughout this storm.

my former roommate tried to be that for me yesterday. and it ain't working. her entire personality is exactly that which i am trying to fight against. but it's not just her anymore; it's other people who are just like her -- strong-willed, strong personalities, opinionated. i've had enough of those kinds of people. i just want to be able to take a step back, breathe, and be among people similar to me, similar to my therapist -- thoughtful, quiet, unobtrusive, reasonable. i just don't have anyone in my life like that any longer.

at the end of 2010, i picked up a chinese fortune-telling book for the next lunar year, the year of the tiger. the year of the tiger, according to the book, was going to be a challenging one for me. as one born in the year of the monkey, the year of the tiger is exactly six years away from the year of my birth. that six years is apparently quite telling. on the chinese horoscope chart, which has twelve signs altogether, the tiger is located diametrically opposite from mine at 180 degrees. it is my direct opposite. thus, any person born in the year of the tiger is not going to be good for me. and any year that is of the tiger will not be good for me, either.

i don't know if it's just a mere coincidence. but it's becoming quite true for me.

i've begun losing friends at work. coincidentally (or not), these friends are also friends with my old roommate as well. i am still on good speaking terms with my ex-roommate and have indeed already spent some time with her and her kid outside of work. but there has also been so much drama at work lately that it is just as well if i stop talking to her and all these other so-called friends as well. just goes to show that i can't be friends with everyone and that i should probably stop trying. not that i have it in me to want to be so nice to people anymore. . . . i think i'm done. i'm drained.

one could say that i am stuck in a bout of depression. i wouldn't disagree. for the longest time, i have been trying to do my damnedest to snap out of it. but i keep getting bogged down in drama -- professionally, personally, and in my family. it's gotten to the point where i really don't want to take it anymore. i can't. not if i want to stay sane and have hope and reason to keep going . . . .

hopefully, my next post will be more cheerful. i'm tired of being so down and depressed. i just need to find a way, an incentive, to snap out of it.

a new girl

that girl is on my mind.

no, not my ex-roommate. for once. :-T

but that other girl at my other job. . . .

yesterday, she came to work looking amazing in a black dress. the top half of the dress was black with white polka-dots and was rather demure-looking, and the bottom half was all black and hugged her lower body in the right places and ended at just before her knees. she wore some black kitten heels to match, and overall she just looked great.

i kind of had it in my head that she was dressed that way just for me. up until then, i had never seen her dressed up at work. at that job, there is a somewhat strict dress code: we all have to dress business casual, at minimum, and be all in black. until yesterday, i had only seen her in black leggings or tapered-leg pants, or what-not. so to see her all dolled up was a pleasant surprise.

it could be my imagination. but she seemed to want my attention as much, if not more, than usual. and i have to admit that i went out of my way to be around her. she is rather affectionate with some of her friends at work, and that is starting to include me. and yet even now, i am blushing at the memories of her grabbing my arm a few times and bringing it to her chest. i feel like i now know the exact weight and feel of her breast just from those brushes against my arm alone. she also has very beautiful, intelligent eyes. i ended up getting so instantaneously caught up in them whenever our eyes met, and i could swear that, at those times, she could totally read how much i like her.

sheesh. i swear i'm no different than a horny guy who can't keep his hormones under control.

but i don't know if all of it is just in my head. maybe it is. i just don't want to get my hopes up. i like her -- and i like her a lot already. and i am definitely attracted to her. but at the same time, she is a young thing, and who knows with the younger, post-generation y kids these days. i'm glad that, more and more, the idea of sexual fluidity is being a little more openly embraced by those younger generations. but does that mean this chick is only out for some experimentation?

who knows.

there was an interesting moment yesterday, though, as she left for the day. my shift hadn't ended, so i was still at the front area, where i could look out through these large windows into the front parking lot. i knew her shift was ending and had kind of hoped she would whisk through the front so i could say goodbye. but she ended up stealing out a side door and into a car that was waiting for her in the front. i couldn't help myself; i watched her get in the car and the car start to drive away. suddenly, her head turned toward the window and she saw me. she saw me looking at her. she started smiling broadly and continued to look at me as the car she was in pulled away.

so yeah. . . . maybe she knows. . . .

:-T

despite it all, though, i know i'm not ready for any sort of intimacy with any other person. my therapist and i have talked about that a few times recently and are in agreement on that.

but i still can't wait to go back to work at the second job. . . .

:)

i don't make much money there. i think i get about nine bucks an hour for about twenty hours of work per week. it is a much-needed supplement to my income, for sure, though. a lot of people who know me are surprised by how long i've lasted juggling two jobs, which, on most days, require me to work 10 or 11 hours per day, with less than an hour separating the two gigs. it does get tough, physically, i have to say. but that bunch of people i work with at the second job are so amazing. yes, especially that one girl . . . . but the rest of them, too. i get the energy i need when i'm around others who exude that much energy and enthusiasm, and those are what help to perk me up by the time i get there in the evenings or weekends to help me get through my shift, however long it is. and for sure, now that i have even more of an incentive to come in to work there, i don't see myself giving up this second job for a long while to come . . . .

still in hiberanation mode

wow.

that's all i can really say: wow.

i don't know if it's my anti-anxiety meds at work, but i haven't been feeling much of anything lately. no extreme emotions anyway. no extreme happiness, no extreme sadness, no extreme anger. nothing that i can't handle, anyway, although there are times when it gets pretty dicey.

my former roommate and her unit have moved up into the suite where i work. this is going to make for a very interesting situation.

especially since she and one of her other teammates have gotten their own offices.

now, she and that other teammate don't outrank me. in fact, i think i might outrank them, even though we both occupy the same position, if only because i have been in the position a little bit longer. i have another co-worker who i've been working with in the same suite who has the same position but has occupied it for far much longer than me, my former roommate, and her cohort combined. and yet she and i still are in our cubicles while the other two chicks have their own private offices.

this only happened yesterday. and it created quite a stir between me and my co-worker rather instantaneously.

i'm curious to see how the situation all gets resolved. what i find quite interesting is that, beyond all my control, there are more and more reasons being thrown at me, one after another, to sort of justify and enhance the current estrangement that i've been experiencing between me and my ex-roommate. just when i start getting a little soft-hearted and feeling nostalgic for our old relationship, something just happens to resurrect those feelings of, "oh that's right! you are a not-very-good-person for me." and then i can continue to go back to where i need to be in order to continue trying to rehabilitate myself.

it's just crazy for me to just kind of be all alone in this. i have my therapist, yes. but other than she, no one else knows just how much of a fucking basket case i really am. people see me, think i'm oh-so-funny, oh-so-charming, oh-so-smart, oh-so-light-hearted. and i am all those things. but i'm an absolute basket case, too. i have nothing inside me that is strong enough to keep myself grounded and here and where i need to be. i have all these feelings of anxiety that can get to be so troublesome to get a handle on. and yet no one really sees that. and it just . . . boggles my mind.

on to another note:

i've met this other girl; she's my co-worker at my second job.

i like her.

and she has been unbelievably flirty with me. each day, she gets a little bolder.

i still need to keep my distance because . . . well, she's kind of young. and i don't want to start causing work-place rumors to fly; all the co-workers at my other job are fairly tight-knit, and nothing really escapes their notice or knowledge. for instance, her flirting with me kind of got the attention of at least one other person yesterday.

still, she's really cute. beautiful eyes. great skin. and a nice decolletage.

but . . . she's off-limits.

:-T

all's good

things are good.

no, really. they are.

i am taking things much better than i had anticipated. the process and anticipation themselves were what made the going difficult. but now that all is said and done, i feel so much better.

the big break-up of the household between me and my now-former roommate actually just happened. it was supposed to happen a couple of months ago, but we thought we could just make it work through the end of our lease. however, this last month of our lease has been tough. i worked to create the necessary distance that i would need in order to be okay with the break. and now that all is said and done and we have parted ways, i am actually pretty fine.

it took so long and so much out of me. but it's so great to be able to know just how fine i am with the whole ordeal over. i don't think i could've gotten to this point without my therapist. she absolutely rocks.

now that my former roommate is no longer the center of my universe, though, it's hard to get back to the swing of things. i am so used to orienting my world around others that, now that i'm on my own again, i barely know what to do with myself. but i am slowly trying to remember old hobbies that i enjoy -- reading comic books, minor arts and crafts projects, reading. even writing on this ol' blog.

most of all, however, i have been throwing myself into work. i no longer really need to work a second job, but because i enjoy the co-workers at my second gig, i feel no dire urge to quit any time soon. the long work-days and work-week are really starting to take a toll on me; i look like a zombie, and whenever my mom gets a good look at me, she starts wanting to shove food down my throat. but the tiredness is a good tiredness. the toll all the physicality takes on my body is a good distraction to the troublesome nagging thoughts that sometimes flits through my mind when i least expect it; it brings me back to the present instead of allowing me to continue to worry and fret about things beyond my control.

the whole bar exam thing is something i occasionally think about. but my therapist has encouraged me to not tackle all my troubles and woes at once and to just concentrate on getting my life and perspective all back into order. one of the main things i need to assess is if i really want to take it again and if i ever really wanted to take it at all. but that's all going to come later, for now, even though i started this blog to vent about my frustrations regarding the bar, at this time, i don't need to be thinking about stuff like that at all.

in the meantime, where does this leave me? i feel like i am in a state of hibernation. my body is going through the motions, needing to do what it needs to survive and to distract itself. but in the meantime, i am holding myself back, holding myself in, for the sake of getting myself better. as it is with most good therapy sessions, the longer i've been with my therapist, the more deeply entrenched i find that some of my bad habits, vulnerabilities, insecurities are in holding me down. at the same time, though, i feel that the one quality that my roommate has always criticized me for -- my idealism -- really is so uniquely me that it is now bubbling forth again. i always submerged my idealism, when i found out how strongly she looked down on it. but you know, there are certain things i believe in and trust in that are not jaded. and it really does feel good to not only know how strongly that idealism is felt in me but also to be able to express it freely. i seriously underestimated how much of my personality got suppressed just from being around her for so long and so often. . . .

so i'm finally on the right road that i need to be on. it feels scary and tenuous. but i'm glad to be here, now that the time has come. here's to a more favorable journey, from here on out, and this time, i am glad to be riding solo, armed with only faith and quietude, from this point forward.

turning a new leaf

it gets really old and trite having to witness firsthand someone's mad, self-indulgent manic depressive state.

so i've decided to turn a new leaf, just for tonight. i myself am in need of some optimism.

i can't wait for next month. i'll still be working my second job because, other than the body aches and my inability to sleep, i have nothing against working there. i enjoy it. i enjoy my co-workers. i already have a grasp on how to do my job and do it well. no reason at all -- at least not yet -- to even want to leave. but in addition, next month, i will also have my half of the deposit for the house i rented with dimples back. i hope it'll be all of the deposit, but i am prepared for the possibility of getting maybe 60% of it.

that means money. maybe even enough to last me through a whole month. maybe even with enough to indulge in extravagant shopping sprees. i would like new clothes. i haven't bought myself new work clothes in a while. i don't feel as stylish as i used to. everything is rather old and worn. i've also been losing weight, so i don't fit in my clothes as well as i used to.

isn't that funny? i've always wanted to be a little leaner, a little trimmer. but with stress and anxiety wreaking havoc on my appetite, my frame, though, leaner, is not in a healthy state. my size 2 clothes just hang on me. i have a pair of trousers that, if i'm not careful, will find its way to sag down low on my butt. my butt itself, which i thought was practically non-existent before, now disappears into the loose sag of my pants.

it's not that i can't afford to eat. although that has sometimes been the case, at the tail end of each month. it's just that even when i should eat, i have absolutely no appetite. and i don't want any food in me whatsoever.

but next month, all this is going to change. i'm going to get healthy, and i'm going to stay healthy. for all the right reasons. for me. i will be able to dedicate all of my financial resources to my needs and my needs alone. i will eat and be merry and live in the moment. i am going to join a yoga class and become a devout student. i am going to write more and not be afraid to put my thoughts into words. i will spend more time with my family. i will cut out all extraneous, unnecessary stresses and only do things that are good for me and what i want to do.

i need to start living for me again. and i will stop clinging to false illusions and false refuges.

anxiety

i'm a sufferer of anxiety.

but it's gotten worse over the past few days, weeks, months.

i am trying to get a better handle on it. when my heart begins to beat way too fast, i mentally pause and start concentrating on my breathing -- deep breath in, deep breath out. in. out.

it kind of makes me feel like bill murray's character in the movie what about bob? bob, trying to get over his bout of anxiety himself, would always start muttering to himself, "baby steps, baby steps, baby steps." i feel like bob whenever i do my breathing.

but hey, whatever works, right?

the anxiety arrives and takes over my mind and body when i start thinking about things that i fear. a common trope i'm finding, with the help of my therapist, is that i have a deep fear of the unknown and a fear of not gaining approval. thanks to my doc, i've discovered that i don't really have an identity that is all my own. i don't have a sense of self that is true to who i am. instead, i've created all sorts of identities -- false identities -- that i portray, depending on who i'm with. and because i don't have my own sense of identity, whenever i lose approval or standing with someone, i suffer a kind of identity crisis and i start panicking because so much of my identity is being lost as well. and so it becomes pretty traumatic for me to experience any change in relationship or loss of people who have become really important to me.

but i am working on being better about that. working on creating my own identity. it really is pretty hard and scary, though. like, at some level, i do know who i am. i'm sardonic, i like reading, i like being challenged. i like good food. i like feeling a sense of belonging. but at the same time, so much of my sense of value and worth stems from having the approval of others. i have wanted so much to be everything to everyone. and to tell the truth, i do still get a sense of pleasure from that. when i get a compliment from someone, it really does something to me to lift me up. but now, i'm just ever more watchful and aware of that. instead of relishing that approval, i am more watchful of my own self, of my own reaction to those words, and see how it makes me feel.

i gotta be okay. i've gotta get myself to be okay. i am always tired. but i am glad that i am working my second job. my co-workers are all younger than i am, but they have such a great attitude and enthusiasm about them. that sort of outlook is definitely lost among most of the other people in my life, so it is definitely great to be able to be among that. i work there generally four to five days a week, mostly just a few hours during the weekday evenings, then a full eight hours on saturday. while i'm always longing for some extra hours for sleep, i'm still glad to be on a whole other rhythm than dimples and to be able to actually start talking to people not within our usual circle of friends from work.

as for dimples, things have gotten so quiet between us. it's not even cold. just quiet. it's hard for me to deal with and contributes to my multiple daily bouts of anxiety. but there are times when i can actually let it go and be okay for longer periods of time than ever before.

baby steps. i can get to where i need to be just fine. little bit at a time.

still searching for direction

i am not okay.  i am not well.

 

this truth didn't really hit me until recently.  i am sick.  as in not healthy. 

 

i am so grateful to have the therapist i have.  she is amazing.  compassionate, understanding, sympathetic.  insightful.  and she's on my side.  it really touches me when she shows she's been listening to me and wants to really help me get healthy and is willing to make time for me.  it is just so nice to know that i have someone.  someone who knows and understands me.  someone with whom i can be candid and from whom i can get honest feedback and astute perspective.  it does wonders for me to be able to go in and see her and talk through all my preoccupations, anxieties, woes.  by the end of this month, i wil have seen her five weeks in a row.  fuck me, but i do need it.

 

i feel all broken to pieces.  fragmented.  with most of the broken pieces beyond all repair.  not that they ever really fit me well to begin with.  i'm ready to fix everything about myself up.  i want to fix it all at once.  my doctor tells me that takes time, though.  and we are just going to go bit by bit, block by block.  fixing each block, she says, may lead to other blocks being fixed at the same time along the way.  but the focus should be one by one. 

 

okay, doc.  you got it.

 

for the longest time, whenever i went to go see my therapist, she would ask me where i envisioned myself.  what the ultimate form of happiness would be.  what i would be doing with my life, in an ideal situation.  i never had an answer for her.

 

and now she gets it.

 

she gets that, whenever i do try to envision those kinds of situations, i see nothing.  i don't have those kinds of visions, goals, dreams.  i can't see anything beyond what is here and now.  she has started to call it a void.  but she is helping me to create what i want to be in the void.  we're not there yet.  not until i get past the current situation i'm in.  but the goal is ultimately for me to be able to create those kind of roads that will lead me in the right direction towards the kind of life i (don't quite yet know i) want to have.

 

eventually.  slowly but surely.  i'll get there.

 

in the meantime, first thing's first:

 

dealing with letting dimples go.  once and for all.

treading the deep water of debt

wow.

i've been busy

major, uber busy.

for the past couple of weeks now, i've been working a second job. i get paid minimum wage, and i work about twenty hours a week, on top of the usual eight-hour day i put in at my day job.

this makes for a pretty tiring but fulfilling schedule.

it's great to have different things to look forward to each and every day. my second job lets me work with people who are generally younger than me but who have great enthusiasm for life and aren't quite as jaded as i am about the realities of adulthood.

sure, it chafes making only minimum wage, given that i have two advanced degrees. but hey, every little bit counts. . . .

i am just so broke. so damned, fucking broke. i am able to last until maybe the tenth day of the month before my checking accounts starts dipping into red territory. something had to give. . . and with my student loan payments tipping close to $1,000, it was either declare bankruptcy or try to find supplemental income.

i am not quite desperate enough to become a prostitute. but for the longest time there, i was beginning to think i actually had to consider that possibility . . . .

who knows if an additional twenty hours at minimum wage will help. i'm of the opinion that every little bit of extra cash i can get will help. i will get my first full paycheck next week. i am curious to see if it will help or if i am on a sinking ship. if the latter, i must consider declaring bankruptcy and seeing if that will help.

until then, i will continue to try to keep my head above the water.

every time

i walk into the trap every time.

"are you busy tonight?"

"yes, but after __, i'm free."

"can you do me a favor?"

*pause* "sure."

"can you watch my kid for a couple of hours tonight?"

"uh, sure."

"i've got this . . . thing tonight."

"oh. . . . is everything okay?"

"yeah. i have . . . a date tonight."

*pause* "oh, i see. is it with -- the same person . . . ?"

"no!"

"is it a guy or a girl?"

"the second."

"oh, okay. yeah, no problem."

*pause* "how do you feel about it?"

*shrug* "it's all good. the kid and i can just hang out."

"thanks, dude. i owe you."

yeah, right.

the rationale of dreams

i rarely remember my dreams.  but i woke up pretty quickly while my mind was still in a dream state, so i remember the one i had this morning.

 

in my dream, i was taking the bar exam.  but the routine for the bar exam was different than the one that exists in real life today.  in my dream, i had hand-written my answers and was on my way to drop my test answers off. 

 

i remember being really keen and hell-bent on dropping off my bar exam answers.  i knew that was the one mission i had to get done at all costs.

 

but on the way to dropping off my test answers, i . . . think i was pulled over.  and my car was searched.  and there was something about someone having been killed and me being the prime suspect.  as my car was being searched, i could feel myself getting desperate.  i had not kill anyone, and i really needed to drop off my bar exam answers.  as i was peering in the trunk of my car with the officers, my roommate came up next to me.  she was wearing a lavendar cardigan, one that, in real life, i really like.  she was concerned and asked me what was going on.  i explained what was happening to her, and she told me or otherwise somehow let me know that she believed in my innocence.

 

time passed, and in my dream,  i was ultimately not able to turn in my bar exam answers on time.  i did try, though.  however, the deadline to turn in my answers lapsed, and i was still caught up in the murder drama.  i was frustrated that i wasn't able to turn in my test essays, but i had to keep moving because i was also on the lam.  the police were searching for me.  i made my way to my roommate's place (she had her own place in my dream and was not my roommate), and i just remember that it was a really white place.  white and clean.  and i think she had a dog that kept following me, a friendly one.  the cops came to her door, and i retreated into a back room.

 

and that's when i woke up.

 

you know what i automatically thought of when i woke up?  i knew what the dream was about.  i knew what to take from it.

 

whenever i have taken the bar exam (in real life, of course), there is always something that holds me up.  a drama that keeps me from going all the way and finishing the goal.  whether it's an internal hurdle or an external one, it always ends up getting in the way.  and i end up just not being able to complete that one mission. 

 

time and time again, that's what's happened.

 

so what's the lesson to be learned from this?

 

i am realizing that i really don't want to take the bar exam again.  i really don't want.  and being an attorney is not something that is as desired anymore.  i want to be an attorney for the purpose of making more money, because i am massively overwhelmed by my debt, mostly my student loans.  but do i want to take the bar exam?  that's a vehement no. 

 

and i have never felt so strongly about it before in my life.

mystery

she tapped a finger on my bare chest, letting her touch linger.

she went and laid herself down on my bed.

she cares so much that she gets angry with me.

she reached out for me and let me hold her.

she cried into my shoulder as i stroked her hair.

and then i think she peed in my bed in her sleep.

but even when she finally went to go clean herself, she went and came back to sleep next to me.

and still, she wants to find another girl to fall in love with.

-_-

i am not good at making decisions.

 

they stress me out.  especially when the stakes are high, then i just let the dilemma sit there and fester in my mind until it is time to make a decision.  and even then, i just ride out the wave and go wherever the waves take me instead of taking control of the damned boat myself and going in the direction i want to go.

 

often, it's just the case, though, that i really don't know which direction to go in.  i can't read myself well enough to know what it is that i want.  i really and most truly do not know my own wants, needs, desires.  i can see the pros and cons to most everything, and having that awareness of the logic of all sides contributes to my feelings of ambivalence.  i mean, i do have strong feelings about certain things.  but everything else just falls by the way-side if they are not of dire importance to me.  i just then don't know what to do with those things that i don't feel strongly about one way or the other.

 

my left eye is twitching right now.

 

another related source of stress is my lack of ability to say no.  i'm trying to put my foot down.  but it's hard for the words to issue forth from me.  i just can't do it.  and as it is, there are several people who are getting on my nerves and stretching my patience to its thinnest point all because they are being self-centered enough to not take no for an answer.

 

i really wanted to try to write about something cheerful and lighthearted.  but i think that's gotta wait until i have the right inspiration.

 

:-T

let the good times roll

i had another spot-on session with my therapist yesterday.  man, is she amazing.  she catches on really quickly with how my mind operates, and the way she summarizes my issues and dilemmas are so insightful.  for the first time ever, i really do feel that finally, there is someone in the world who sees right through me to who i am, how i operate, what my weaknesses are, and all my bad habits.  but i also do feel that she sees my merits and good qualities, too.  she is just so spectacular.  she is the kind of person i would like to have as my friend and meet with on a regular basis, just to hang out and chit-chat with; she not only comes across as very easy to talk to and interested in what i have to say but also has the wisdom and insight i need to work through my issues.  she is just so invaluable to me.  there are no words for it.

 

i asked her why it was that there were so many boys hitting on me and not any girls.  she said that i was marketing my goods to the wrong kinds of stores.  she is so great at coming up with creative, spur-of-the-moment analogies.  all of them are starting to crack me up the moment they issue from her mouth, and this one was no exception.

 

what there are also no words for is how annoyed i am by a lot of my co-workers.  i am just so unforgiving.  but i don't feel bad about it.  i really do think a lot of the people i work with are power-grubbing, pretentious, self-centered, and selfish.  and i am having quite a few opportunities to sell out and join the club.  but i don't.  i would love to have the same kind of high-level prestige that they do.  but there has got to be better ways to come out on top than that.  i don't need to sell my soul and values to get there. 

 

i am still thinking about how broke i am.  sure, i just got paid seven days ago.  but all that money is already gone or about to be gone, based solely on bills and basic living expenses.  in fact, i will be in the red quite soon unless i think of something. . . .  i keep poring over craigslist ads in the hopes of finding a new opportunity.  the only promising one i found is for part-time dish-washing at a new restaurant opening up across town; open walk-in interviews are being held next week – during office hours.  but still, i'm going to ask for time off to apply.

 

i shouldn't say that's the only promising opening i've found, though.  there is another: egg donations.  $7,000.  man.  tempting.  i know about the health risks associated with egg donations.  and that's the only thing holding me back.  but as more time passes, the better it looks. . . . 

 

fuck. . . .

 

anyhow, my next session with my therapist is not for a couple of weeks.  it makes me feel antsy to know that i am on my own until then.  i get antsy each and every time in-between sessions.  she's just the only one i can truly talk to about anything and everything.  with everyone else in my life, there always must be a facade or some sort of compromise i have to make, just from being around them.  in fact, my therapist was asking me yesterday if i could think of any person in my life with whom i didn't feel like i had to compromise so much of myself.  i had to really think about it before i could answer.  and my answer was no, i could not.  she looked really concerned at my answer.

 

okay, i am really distracted right now.  there is annoying pretentious cunt standing right behind me, talking to another co-worker.  she is hella fucking loud, and before she started talking to the co-worker, she was giving me some disrespect which i find to be uncalled for.  she is absolutely killing me right now; wish i could throttle her.

 

man.  i am just frustrated.  i am under-challenged and over-qualified for a job that does challenge me sometimes but can also be monotonous.  i don't know what i'd rather be doing, but i know i should be grateful for the steadiness and security of the work, even if the governor wants to impose federal minimum wage on state workers.

 

good times.

money woes

i am broke.

 

it's getting harder and harder to find ways to scrape money together at the end of each money.  there is only so much left that i can sell. . . .

 

it stresses me out.  it truly does.  i need to find a part-time job.  but opportunities that are suited to my abilities or work experience are so hard to find.  and i am not being picky, either; i am looking at anything and everything i could possibly do when i am not at my full-time job.  but a lot of the openings i've found have required work-hours during the regular work-day.  and that i just cannot do.

 

other than the chronic personal financial shortage, those with penises seem to be persistent in courting me.  i kinda want to just say, "homey don't play 'dat."  but that's difficult, what with me not being totally out and all.  and what's funny is that, even as they flirt with me and let me know, in their way, of their interest, they still ask me fairly directly if i am also into girls.

 

i wish i could be more of a slut.  i wish i could let myself be bought.  i wish i could let myself be taken care of.  lord knows, as time goes on, i could use that kind of help so that all my worries can be eased while also ensuring that the guys get what exactly what they want to pay for.  and i do also have to say that it feels good to have male attention and be able to hold it for an extended period of time.  but i find myself sardonically singing the chorus to lady gaga's "boys boys boys."

 

i don't know what's going on.  i am going through a weird phase where everything is falling apart and strange new happenings are befalling me.  i don't know quite what to do with them.

 

nor do i know what i'm searching for in this life.  every day, i find myself hoping for that moment of clarity when everything falls into place and i can see, in the grand scheme of things, the direction i'm supposed to be heading and all the things i need to accomplish.  but it's so hard to get that vision.  i don't know where i'm going, i don't know how i'm going to get there, i don't know who to trust along the journey and who to stay away from.

 

it's hard to make sense of things and find my path.

trying not to wig out

anxiety level is riding high right now.  has been since last night.

 

i need to get a hold on it.  a good, firm hold.

 

i don't know what's going on.

 

okay, yeah, maybe i do. . . .

 

i am trying to absorb it, just like my doc tells me to.  absorb it, accept it, stay with it.

 

just breathe.

 

and as i stay in the moment, i need to remember that i am still here.

 

i am still alive.  i am breathing of my own volition.  i am okay.

the taste test

if there were any remaining doubts about whether i really only like girls or not, i was put to the test last night.  and i have to say that those remaining doubts have been completely and utterly eradicated.

 

i went on a date with the guy again.  it was our third.  i like him.  i like him a lot.  he is attractive, funny, charming, has a great body, and has the ability to look at me in such a way that i feel like the only girl in the room.  it makes me glow inside to feel that i am so attractive to him.

 

nonetheless, i had it in my head, before i even set out to see him last night, that i was going to let him know that i didn't think we should see each other anymore.  i was just going to end things before i got in too far.

 

as it was, i didn't get a chance to.  i was caught up in the buzz my cocktails gave me in, in the conversations, the flirting.  and i didn't want to ruin the light mood.

 

we had made out during our second date.  our third date was a continuation of the make-out session.  he's a pretty decent kisser.  i didn't mind our kissing during our second date.  but the third date's make-out session?

 

i . . . am just not very into it.

 

it's been years since i kissed any guy.  i'd forgotten how . . . firmly insistent their kisses can be.  and i just don't particularly care for that style.

 

i like kisses to be delicate.  soft.  gentle firmness.  subtly tantalizing nips and nibbles.

 

he's a strong guy.  there's something about being with someone physically stronger, who can lift me up and arrange and rearrange me to suit his purposes.

 

but there is something i enjoy even more about being with a girl.  someone who has the same physical softness and fragility and delicateness.  someone who can be assertive without being overpowering.  someone who makes me feel every inch an equal as she.

 

*sigh*

 

so as a result of the taste test, i now know.

 

i need to find another girl.  and try to shed myself of this guy.

 

the test is over . . . . now.

good reads all around

i need to write more.  my therapist is always encouraging me into that direction – to do those things that allow me to express myself as naturally and easily as i can.  and writing has always been that favored mode of expression for me.

 

i just have difficulties finding what to write about and/or the right words to describe what's going on.  i feel stunted and constipated.  there are a lot of things going on underneath the surface that want to find expression, but i just don't know how to release them and be free of them.

 

i've been tired a lot lately.  since the weekend.  i can't fight off the fatigue.  some moments are more bearable than others.  but it's just been so hard dragging myself from one place to another.  i move around and go where i need to.  but it's hard.

 

my therapist says it's because there are external factors affecting my medication.  i've been on the meds the past few months.  the meds are SSRI inhibitors that affect my levels of serotonin; they're supposed to help me be less prone to anxiety and more prone to control my thoughts and emotions.  over the weekend, i was in the sun a lot, and that sun exposure coupled with some dehydration has affected my physiology, causing a jump in my serotonin levels.  i'm supposed to contact my regular doctor if the fatigue continues.

 

something that i am appreciating more and more is how intuitive my therapist is.  she has a lot of formal training and experience.  but all that experience and training coupled with her own solid intuition and understanding of how to read and identify with her patient on an individual level is what is making her so invaluable to me.  our sessions are just so conversational; i talk to her like she's my best friend, and there is a natural rhythm to our banter.  she does pose a lot of open-ended questions to get me started talking, but once i do, there is a genuine relaxedness and unaffected spontaneity to our conversations.  our talks are probably among the things i prize most right now.  she just goes with the natural flow of the conversation.  she provides input or insight or analogies, and we both freely ask questions of each other.  i occasionally cuss, and so might she, and we laugh and joke, too.  she would be just like my best friend – if i didn't keep paying her to be my confidante and advisor. 

 

and the sessions just keep getting better and better.  the one i had yesterday just blows me away.  i came away from it feeling that, finally, there was someone who understood the complex machinations of my mind and was seeing things in me that i have always seen but had no explanations for.  it felt so amazing for someone to so keenly see into me and understand how i am and what my thinking processes are, then be willing to help me continue to learn how to undo a lot of that.  it makes me feel elated and relieved.  words cannot express it – she is just so fantastic.  i am grateful to have found her.

 

all i did, really, was pick her based on looks alone – that is, the vibe i got from a photograph i saw of her on the internet.  when i was initially trying to find a therapist, i did an internet search for psychiatrists working in my city and came upon the website psychologytoday.com.  using that website's directory, i was able to have a whole list of therapists working in and around my city.  each of their profiles are all uploaded onto the website, including their areas of specialty, their experience, their locations, their photographs, etc.  i probably went through the directory several times, but each time, i always came back to her particular profile.  she just had really kind eyes that made me feel reassured and like she was just the type of person who could understand.  i also saw on her profile that she specialized in cultural and glbt issues.  those two things – her kind eyes and her areas of specialty – were what sealed the deal.  and it only goes to show, to me personally, that i do have solid, perceptive instincts about people and should follow and trust those instincts more often.

 

:-T

smile

even when your heart is being crushed.

fake it.

for pride's sake.

one day at a time.

one moment at a time.

one breath at a time.

it's going to be okay.

an important quesion

to answer the question --

no, you're not the only one.

but i think i have self-esteem issues. because in my dreams, when i dream about having one, i am insecure and not particularly good with it.

abbagirl's eventful week

other things have been going on with me lately. putting together a post summarizing everything else that has transpired would require a lot out of me. so i've decided to post this letter i wrote to my therapist a couple of days ago; it sums up a bit of what i've been going through.

Dear Doc --

I did it. I came out to my sister last night, after my session with you.

Up until the moment when the words came out of my mouth, I didn’t want to be doing it. But I just did it anyway. The words “gay” and “lesbian” were not used. But she knew that’s what I was saying anyway. And she was really supportive. She said she wasn’t surprised and that she always kind of knew. But her initial reaction and surprise was pretty comical. I would’ve laughed if I didn’t start bawling immediately. And then I told her all about my relationship with my roommate – when it started, how it evolved, and most of the things that have transpired since I have known her. It felt weird to be talking about my roommate with her. But I needed to, and she was great about listening and taking my side.

This is . . . a pretty dark time for me. This morning, up until the moment I took my meds, I had some really panicky moments, and the panic was getting overwhelming. The idea of not seeing my roommate every day, spending time with her kid, of not being a part of their lives anymore, etc., hit me like a ton of bricks and feels so devastating. But after taking my dosage, I feel a little bit stronger. And especially knowing that I now have one other person, in addition to you, to whom I can turn to and be heard when I need to be heard, I do feel I can make it. My sister encouraged me to come over and hang out at her place whenever I need to. That means a lot to me . . . . And I told her I definitely will be taking her up on that offer a lot in the coming weeks.

Coming out to my sister was hard. But her response was so loving and protective that it was worth the risk. And she thinks my parents will be fine and supportive, too. I believe her, and yet I’m scared to fully believe it. I’m not there yet. . . . I do feel vulnerable from telling my sister because one part of the mask I’ve erected has been taken down, and there is a chink in the armor, now that someone in my inner circle knows. But I’m hoping that this feeling of vulnerability will translate into a source of strength when I need it, later on down the road.

I know I will get better. I know that, once I rebuild myself from the inside out, I’ll be able to find a path that lets me be more true to myself and where I can surround myself with good people whom I can count on. This is definitely not something I could ever have done on my own. I thank you so much. I really could not do this or have gotten as far as I have without you.

starting anew.

i just got home.

from a date.

with a guy.

and it was fun.

i'm going to see him again. i really had a great time with him. i like him.

what does this mean?

other than the fact that i like him and definitely would like to see him again?

i really don't know.

as far as the roommate situation . . . .

i have not stayed at the house for a while. instead, i've been staying at my parents'.

my roommate and i have had two days' worth of shouting matches.

things are not good on that front. where we go from here, i don't really know. but my heart's been breaking. it's been breaking for a long time. but it's been breaking even more lately.

i'm done with it all, for the most part.

there is still another part of me that wants her back, wants to continue to be a part of her life in whatever capacity she will give to me. it hurts way too much for things to be like this.

but i can't. i won't. she is not always in the right. she doesn't always know what's best. she's selfish. self-centered. manipulative. a user. a leech. no matter what, i have to do what's right for me. even if that means dealing with the hurt when it creeps up.

i gave her my thirty day's notice yesterday. she was pushing me in that direction. she wanted me to be the one who gave up and went away and left her the house.

fine.

i gave her what she wanted.

now i just really gotta pick up the pieces. and start anew.

30 days' notice

i'm moving out.

i was hungry

but now i have lost my appetite.

resolutions for when i turn 30 -- quite soon

1. focus and get my life together, professionally. am i going to be friggin' lawyer or not?

2. stop calling other chicks my age and older "girls." we ain't girls anymore.

3. try to refrain from using the word "dude" as much as i currently do.

4. start watching what i eat and try to help my body get healthier.

5. get a handle on the student loans before they drown me to death.

6. no more drinking binges to the point of getting completely shit-faced.

7. start finding reasons to enjoy myself and my moments with family.

8. begin writing the next great american novel that i feel to be lurking within the depths of my soul.

9. start working to achieve my full potential.

hmm. . . . anything else to add . . . ?

almost a week

i had the upper hand.

i was angry. and i was in the right. and i could walk away and let it go. and i could go without having any desire to talk to her or recant or apologize or otherwise suck up to make the conflict go away.

i succeeded for almost a week.

but now she is participating in giving me the cold shoulder, too.

and that's not right.

i should be the one who has the right to remain angry and/or distant.

where does she get the right?

but it's working. now that she's playing the cold shoulder game, too, my resolve has gotten shaky once again. and i'm wondering if it is worth it to hang on to my position and let this impasse continue, all for the sake of being angry and in the right. a part of me is still afraid of the consequences -- such as her not talking to me again, her leaving me, etc.

damn it.

must.

hold.

true.

i am goddamned mad right now. fucking pissed.

a precocious patient

i never finished this post. i started it almost two days ago. i'm going to publish it anyway.

-------------------

you know what my therapist said the last time i saw her?

i'll never forget it.

she had been listening to me talk, and when i had finished, her head was tilted and propped on one of her hands. she gave me this genuinely quizzical but amused look and said, "you know, you remind me of one of those patients who goes in to see their doctor to see what's wrong with them, but not only do you start telling the doctor all the symptoms you have, you also tell him, 'this is my diagnosis, so prescribe me this.'"

i laughed when she initially said this. it was a pretty funny analogy. and i felt relieved because it confirmed for me that not only was it okay for me to feel the things i do, but also that my perceptions and impressions were fairly apt.

however, later on, as my session with the therapist progressed, the analogy wasn't so funny anymore. it started to hit home for me how much responsibility i have for my own situation. sure, there are others to blame. but i have to own up to my role in fostering this whole victimhood thing since i am aware of what's going on; talking myself out of believing that my impressions are valid is what has allowed me to continue letting myself be taken advantage of and letting my own needs be overridden.

uneasy squirming

i had an uncomfortable session with the therapist today.

discomfitting.

i've never felt this way after a session before.

does the feeling make me not want to see her again?

well . . . yeah!

but i can't just stop seeing. not merely because of this current sentiment. i've come a long way since i began seeing her. she's got my number and reads me really well at this point. and i like her.

but i'm just feeling uncomfortable now. discomfitted. exposed.

because i kind of fibbed during my session. and i think she knows it. and so i feel exposed because of it.

yeah. i deserve it.

:-T

clawing my way through

i have been on an absolute downer of a note for a long time now.

i know it. i'm not oblivious to it. i'm all-too-aware of it.

but i just can't get out of it. this funk that i'm in has its arms wrapped around my legs and won't let me go.

it's not just that i'm down. i'm all sorts of down. i'm angry down. morose down. anguished down. livid down. it runs the gamut. and my mood just seems to worsen and worsen. every little thing that everyone does -- if it rubs me the wrong way, it rubs me hard. and i get mad. i never lose my ability to see reason, and i am starting to laugh at myself when i feel my annoyance prickle at every little thing. i know i am being too judgmental. but my laughter has started to turn bitter. all these discordant feelings i have are just starting to eat me alive.

to tell the truth, i don't think i see my therapist often enough. i see her three times a month. but i can't afford any more sessions than that. hell, i can barely afford the three i have scheduled for this month as it is. i have no idea how the hell i came to be so broke so quickly this month. i mean, i expected to go broke; i tend to go broke within the first two weeks of receiving a paycheck. but this time, it happened so quickly. it just blows my fucking mind.

i stress about a lot of things. everything is just grabbing and eating away at me. i am neurotically miserable for a good chunk of the day. i spend a lot of time seeing things in my head that cannot be seen with the naked eye. so much stuff, so many images, so many words wafting through my mind. . . . i'm going to drive myself insane, i think.

so this blog has, over time, become the diary of an ever-increasingly mad woman. am i the norm? am i the exception to the rule? why do i feel so alone in this experience? why do so many things eat away at me from the inside out?

depression has taken over my life. i need to find that turning point. i need to find the rock-bottom. i want to climb back up out of this hole and claw my way through to daylight.

tethered

i've been in a bit of a funk. i can't get out of it.

i had a really great session with my therapist a couple of days ago. my therapist is truly awesome. i didn't see, until i got back to my car after the session, that we had gone over our time limit. but my therapist didn't say a word; she just continued on with the session until we had finished talking. my therapist is my lifeline. there is no one i confide in more than i do with her. as heavy as the world feels, i am glad that i found her to tether myself to. i feel really lucky to have found a therapist as great as she is.

i am so down, i don't really have any words to say. but i know things will get better, and i know i have to give myself the time to learn how to be.

a big loop

i started a second job last week. i'm starting to need that extra bit of help to ensure that i don't go in the red by the second or third week of the month. at the end of the month the past few months, i've found my checking account in over-draft mode.

today, after i finished my usual 8-to-5 gig, i went on my merry way to put in some hours for my second job. i ended up coming back to the house at close to 9 p.m.

i knew it was going to happen one of these days. i knew it would happen without warning. but did i expect it to happen today? no. you could've kicked me in the head and i wouldn't have felt it.

i came home to see his car in our driveway.

i had to compose myself and force myself through the motions of getting out of my car. i wasn't ready for this. i had thought i would be. but i wasn't. he was here -- at my house. they were in the house together. knowing i'd be back at some point in the evening.

i steeled myself as i put my house key into the lock and turned the key. i pushed the door in.

the door opened to the sight of the three of them sitting in the living room -- my roommate, her kid . . . and him.

wow. this was really something.

and it's just weird. i know about him and her. i've known for a while. and she has become quite open in talking to me about him -- about their relationship -- about their sex life -- everything.

and he doesn't know about my history with her.

from the outside, i have to admit that if i didn't know all the players as intimately as i do, i would say that she is quite the con artist. all of these people she has around her to love her and take care of her needs. that's quite a talent.

i acted normally. i should win an acting award. what else could i have done, though?

it's crazy, though. months of therapy didn't prepare me for a night like tonight. it knocked the wind out of me. it make my hands tremble. but no one noticed i was shaken up, and that's all i care about.

i've got more on my mind. . . . but that's for another blog. two jobs -- tough. i'm tired.

signing off --

on vacation

sunbathed by the ocean and the pool.

listened to the waves soothingly crash upon the shore in unending, soft cycles.

sunburned myself.

read child of god by cormac mccarthy and two green lantern comic books.

wished i had brought more books to read.

watched a lot of movies i've already seen before or never saw before.

ate oreo gelato at my pleasure.

discovered the mellow yumminess of pacifico cerveza.

learning to breathe easy

when my heart races frenetically, i feel panicked. like the world is about to end. and i feel stifled, as if i can't breathe.

that's when i have to tell myself to stop. take deep breaths. go with those feelings instead of trying to persuade myself that they don't exist. and i stay with those feelings until the weight of the panic disappears and i am okay again.

find myself. center myself. until my racing heart stills, and my mind rests easy.

hmm.

i just had a moment of clarity.

i'm not under her thumb anymore.

wow. fucking amazing.

i need to grow a pair

i am pretty damned annoyed right now.

what is really marvelous about this feeling is that i feel that i am right.

i don't feel guilty for feeling annoyed.

in my head, i am not trying to persuade myself to not be annoyed.

i am feeling annoyed. and i am letting myself feel annoyed. because rationally, i know i'm right to feel annoyed.

so it's all about the roommate again.

yes. i still have a roommate.

and yes, it's still the same person.

she changed her mind within a week of telling me that we shouldn't be roommates anymore and should start looking for our own places. she said she never meant that at all and that she would definitely like to continue to be roommates -- just in another house.

and then, within two weeks of that, she was telling me again we shouldn't be roommates beyond the next six months.

six months is the term of lease that we signed with a new landlord for a new house.

i'm just so sick of things.

i'm sick of her.

i'm sick of letting her run all over me.

i'm sick of letting her cut me down and make me feel defensive and wrong.

to hell with that.

the reason why i'm annoyed right now is because she just told me tonight that she wants to have the master bedroom of the new house we are going to move into.

fuck that. i wanted the master bedroom!

it's really nice. it's big. it's got a walk-in closet.

i totally thought she was going to let me have it. yes, she's a type A, control-freak kind of person. but i thought she would let me have it as a common courtesy for pretty much fucking my life and taking advantage of me and all that. plus, it just makes sense. the whole house will be filled with all her decorations and her furniture. the house is also closer to her boyfriend's, although i'm sure she'd rather die than admit to me that that is the reason why she wanted to move to that particular area of town. so i thought it would be more than fair for me to have the room as kind of my own sanctuary. she could have the rest of the house for her and her kid; i could have that room.

just goes to show how idealistic i am about other people.

she brought up the topic tonight for the first time. but she didn't ask me what i wanted or preferred. she brought it up like this: "so what are we going to do about the rooms?"

i was actually kind of dumbfounded because she had brought it up so abruptly. "you mean over there? they're clean, aren't they?"

"no," she said. "the master bedroom."

"oh," i said. it seemed like she had something on her mind, and so i just let her say it.

"i was thinking that, like if i had the master bedroom, and my kid had one of the other bedrooms, i should pay, like, $100 in rent."

my heart was sinking in my chest. i knew it was coming.

"is that what you want? do you want the master bedroom?"

"yes, i do," she said, not looking at me.

i shrugged. "fine, i don't care. go for it." i tried to sound nonchalant. but inside, i was disappointed. my head ran images of her inviting her boyfriend to the house, to her large bed in what was now her master bedroom. i started feeling annoyed by her, by him, all over again.

just her and him being together still is annoying as it is. but her finagling the master bedroom from me is fucking annoying. i'm hella annoyed by it. i truly do think it should be mine. . . .

is this petty of me? i mean, i think i knew that, if she expressed a desire for that room, i would totally cave in. . . . but she didn't even ask me what i wanted. she stated her plans, and i was the one who asked her if that was what she wanted. and she never once asked me if i wanted it or if it would be a problem. . . .

see, i just try to pick and choose my battles. i know i can ultimately let this one go and that another fight will come in the future that might be worthier of fighting. and hell, i am all for paying $ 100 less in rent because i think she scalps me when it comes to the splitting of utilities (i've been paying her a lump sum of $ 150 for utilities alone as my share of the costs, and while i've had doubts as to whether our utilities really do cost $ 300 each month, i have not had the balls to say anything). but really, she couldn't just ask me if i wanted it?

i am getting more and more seriously annoyed. and yet the onus is on me, since i didn't even put up a fight. . . .

this is some fucked-up shit.

new and improving

i really like mellow, male-fronted bands. clap your hands, say yeah!, one republic, and guster are probably at the top of my list.

i haven't been able to write lately. either there is no time, no energy, or . . . no words.

i'm doing okay, though. i really am. i have been having a lot of great help. and i have been determined to establish new patterns, new ways of thinking. i'm definitely a lot more open to things lately. i haven't wanted to be as open for the longest time. i wanted to keep everything focused on a central point -- everything became concentrated on that one focal point, and i just got so carried away with that. . . .

that's not to say that things are 100% a-okay. things are never 100%. but i'm getting better and more nonchalant. i think i've made great strides. my outlook has improved a great deal.

a shake-up might be in order. i need something new. a new way of life. a new job, maybe. a new schedule. new people around me.

but . . . baby-steps. things will take time. things need to go at their own pace.

all this is not to say that there has been no drama. of course, there's been drama. there have been explosions, minor and major, here and there. but nothing that affected me too much. in the past, they might've taken huge emotional tolls.

not anymore.

i'm getting better.

wasteland

the weather was biting cold today. the air outside would unexpectedly bite your neck and make you cringe whenever you stepped outside.

i don't like the cold. i don't like winter. i don't like going outside much during this season at all.

and i haven't liked much of anything or anyone lately. some moments are better than others. but i have lost the desire to make any effort at all.

there's something about this season. this economy. this state of affairs. hope and joy are gone from this world. sure, people do what they can to get by and may even find happiness in small things. but these are tough times for most of us, for a variety of reasons.

t.s. eliot's "the wasteland" seems most apt for these times.

as of yesterday

terminal and unsettling

sick to my stomach again.

 

i take things like this pretty hard.

 

whereas i only thought things had changed between us yesterday and she didn't, today, the self-fulfilling prophecy has come true.  and things are now weird.  and changed.

 

it just makes me sick to my stomach.  it really does.

 

things are just superficial at this point: we see each other, we say hi.  that's it.  the usual banter is gone.

 

and i might even go so far as to say that she is taking pains to avoid me.

 

and that has never happened before.

 

at this point, i just feel resigned.

 

in the past, whenever we have these moments post-anger, post-emotions, post-trauma, she and i tend to write each other a lot of unsent e-mails.  we carefully and painstakingly craft letters addressed to the other, and i know a lot of emotions and thoughts go into them.  but they usually remain unsent.  for my part, i have done those countless times – putting all my thoughts into a letter that i try to word in an inoffensive yet caring manner.  and i would spend all day doing that.  but i would end up not sending them because the words would end up pulsating so strongly in my mind and heart that i would cave in and just call her, and we would just talk out loud about what we feel and what has been going on.  i only know that she goes through the same process because she has admitted to me as much as well.  like, yesterday, she admitted to me, out of the blue, that she had spent some time last week writing me a letter that she never sent.  it sounded like she had wanted to tell me off in that letter with things that, up to that point, i had done or said to aggravate her emotions.

 

i mean, i know.  i know, particularly and especially at this moment, that i am and have not been an angel up to this point.  i have not been a particularly good friend to her in a number of ways.  i mean, yes, i have in certain ways.  but not in other ways.

 

but today i have no words.  today, i have nothing in me with which to start crafting a letter to be sent or remain unsent to her.  it is all too much.  and again, i would be, as she has said i tend to do, making things all about me.

 

i am depressed.  clinically depressed.  very, very depressed.

 

i want to be at a point where i just don't care.  i don't want to care about her, about who she's with, about whether she is lying, about those valentine's day roses she got, about how she feels with me, about anything pertaining to her.

 

just when i think i have reached the lowest point and that things will make a turn for the better, i get knocked flat on my ass even harder and more painfully than before.

 

"move out – just move out."

 

why can't i?  why do i still want to remain?  why do i still let myself stay in this situation and get so beat down?

 

not cool. . . .

 

my stomach is so queasy.

 

i said so much yesterday that i shouldn't have.

 

honesty does come at a price.