clawing my way through

i have been on an absolute downer of a note for a long time now.

i know it. i'm not oblivious to it. i'm all-too-aware of it.

but i just can't get out of it. this funk that i'm in has its arms wrapped around my legs and won't let me go.

it's not just that i'm down. i'm all sorts of down. i'm angry down. morose down. anguished down. livid down. it runs the gamut. and my mood just seems to worsen and worsen. every little thing that everyone does -- if it rubs me the wrong way, it rubs me hard. and i get mad. i never lose my ability to see reason, and i am starting to laugh at myself when i feel my annoyance prickle at every little thing. i know i am being too judgmental. but my laughter has started to turn bitter. all these discordant feelings i have are just starting to eat me alive.

to tell the truth, i don't think i see my therapist often enough. i see her three times a month. but i can't afford any more sessions than that. hell, i can barely afford the three i have scheduled for this month as it is. i have no idea how the hell i came to be so broke so quickly this month. i mean, i expected to go broke; i tend to go broke within the first two weeks of receiving a paycheck. but this time, it happened so quickly. it just blows my fucking mind.

i stress about a lot of things. everything is just grabbing and eating away at me. i am neurotically miserable for a good chunk of the day. i spend a lot of time seeing things in my head that cannot be seen with the naked eye. so much stuff, so many images, so many words wafting through my mind. . . . i'm going to drive myself insane, i think.

so this blog has, over time, become the diary of an ever-increasingly mad woman. am i the norm? am i the exception to the rule? why do i feel so alone in this experience? why do so many things eat away at me from the inside out?

depression has taken over my life. i need to find that turning point. i need to find the rock-bottom. i want to climb back up out of this hole and claw my way through to daylight.