finally, a new chapter

whoa. fast pace. i can't even keep up.

given that i now know of all the nutritional deficiencies that my body has, thanks to the lack of appetite that has recently arisen due to the addition of just a tad more stress, drama, and anxiety in my life, it is crazy that i would even think to make the stress, drama, and anxiety a more lasting part of my life. but i must be crazy indeed, because i did decide to make them a part of my life for at least the next couple of years.

about a month and a half ago, i was asked to do a favor at work: become someone's assistant for a short of period of time to help the person, who has a lot of high level meetings and a frenetic daily work schedule, do what he needed to do to be on top of his work. i was actually the third person asked; the first two who had been asked before me were not keen on taking this task on essentially because they didn't like the guy.

but i like the guy. so when i was asked, i said sure.

being someone's assistant is tough. it sounds like a pretty lowly title, having to "assist" someone. but based on my experiences this past month and a half, while the tasks i have to do aren't too complicated, everything happens really fast. i have to keep an eye on the man's schedule and make sure that his meetings go in a logical, logistical flow, i.e., i can't schedule him to be in one part of town, then schedule him to be in another part of town 25 miles away right after. then, while the man is out of the office, there are all the little fires to put out there at the home office. when will he be back? when is he free to meet? did he get a chance to read this memo? what is the status of that report? it's . . . a lot of crap to keep track of, to tell the truth.

but it's also . . . kind of fun.

stressful.

but fun.

it has an effect. my heart rate tends to go at a frenetic pace, even on the weekends, when i'm supposed to be relaxing and recuperating and getting ready for the work-week ahead. it is stressful. i have to always be one step ahead of the guy, anticipate what might happen, what he might need in order to be able to get through his day. and at the end of each work-day, i often end up staying late so that i can get everything prepped for the next morning.

but i like it. i am getting a real perverse pleasure out of this. my body isn't handling it too well, but my mind wants me to keep going with this.

that is why, when i got a job offer to come on board permanently today, i took it.

i suppose that's the danger my old bosses should've been aware of when they offered me up to help the man out. i've worked with him before, you see, and we have always had a pretty good relationship. the danger always was that i, working as his assistant, would at least meet his bare minimal standards of what he wants his assistant to do and be. and that i would want to take that on, since everything about the position appeals to every part of my personality, tendencies, character.

i'm also thinking it is a good thing to just move on in general. i've been at my old job for almost three years now. i was getting too settled in there. getting a bit too bored. and of course, with my ol' ex-roommate not only working there as well, it has been really good to get away and establish this distance.

so i feel i am doing the right thing overall, in making this change.

of course, my ol' bosses are not pleased. i think they will see what they can do to try to retain me.

it feels good to have this little tug of war. this just tells me that i put out good enough work to be wanted anywhere.

i mean, i feel bad, too, because i'm moving on and leaving so many co-workers and managers, whom i now consider to be good friends, behind.

but i am ready for this change.

on to the next.

let's do this.

:)

rain, rain, go away!

this whole time, feeling fatigued, unenergetic, like a lump of clay.

and know what my problem ultimately is?

lack of vitamin d.

i really have very little vitamin d in my blood. and it doesn't help that the sun has been seen only once or twice in the past month or so.

so i am taking supplements twice a day. hopefully, the vitamins will get my health back on track.

just goes to show how important the sun is. i never thought that the lack of sunshine could have as great an impact on my health as it has. i always knew i was a sunshine, summer baby. but my system is more dependent on the vitamin d in the sun's rays than i ever thought possible.

time to go take my supplements now.

"i don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation"

i don't do well in winter.

in winter, laziness takes ahold of me. the sight of the grey skies, the frosty, frozen tips of the trees and vegetation outside, the thick muddy pools of water hardening where they sit in the niches of pavement and dirt -- all of it makes me retreat to the indoors. i barely show my face in the out-of-doors anymore. in the mornings, when i leave for work, i hunker my head down further into the scarf wrapped around my neck so that no bit of cold seeps down into my coat. when i check in at the office, i don't emerge until 9 or 10 hours later, when i'm ready to go home. as i drive home, i am in a numb, irritated state, obnoxiously and yet not dangerously tailgating the slow idiot cars in front of me who clog up the fast lane rather than the slower lane. i enter my home the same way i exited it earlier that morning, head hunkered down and with fast steps; and upon entering, i turn on my little space heater to get the place warmed up again and try to rest for the next day.

every day is and has been the same every day. it's rather become ritualistic. i am in the rat race. i am one of the many rats.

seasonal blues aside -- life just goes on, huh? during the past number of months, i think i've begun learning how to live one raggedy day by one raggedy day. some days are better than others. a lot of the worse days have passed me by, and i haven't had as many bad days lately as i used to. i'm fine with that. viewing the world through these disdainful, unsurprised, cautious eyes, i'm fine with being free from uncontrolled chaos.

i've started to wryly joke a lot that i'm married to my job now. i have to make that kind of crack because, otherwise, i field a lot of questions about who i am seeing or why i haven't married yet or am not in a serious relationship with a guy. it's easier to be wryly dismissive than to say the honest truth.

i'm just not there yet. some days, though, i do want to just freely talk, say, with my mom and make gay jokes and talk about that last relationship i was in. i don't, though, because i'm wary and frightened. will i carry on like this forever? i really don't know. . . .

a man from work, one of my bosses, has also begun trying to cajole me into taking the bar exam again. how long has it been since i last took it -- a year? maybe more? time flies. . . . i don't want to take it again. i'm really done with it. but he still keeps cajoling. . . .

speaking of work, i think i am moving up. my pay and my status are still the same -- but i think i'm earning a lot more in terms of reputation, credibility, likability, trust. i'm ambitious enough to have that curiosity as to how far i can take this boon without losing my sense of integrity. life is quite a game, isn't it? i actually think about that quite a bit -- life, all the illusions that coalesce together to form what we believe to be reality. i often feel that i'm the only one around who notices the artificiality of it all even as i find myself still playing the game. it's fascinating to me. i sit back and observe the mechanisms of this society even as i participate in them and do my part.

is this what it feels like to not be co-dependent? i've never really not been co-dependent before. i'm still fighting those urges to care passionately about what other people think and feel about me. but every day, i feel like i do care a little bit less.

in any case, it's just so interesting for me to finally do this check-in with myself to see where i currently am and compare it to how i was before. i feel like . . . i really don't know where i'm at anymore. but i really don't care that i don't know. if that makes sense.

:-T

but i do know that i'm not quite there yet. and this time of year is enabling me to continue to kind of remain hidden and not engage too much with the outside world. maybe when spring comes back, i'll start re-emersing myself in the world, society, life again. but not until this frigid weather goes away; it's really doing a number on my desire to throw myself back out there and start having mindless fun.

all right. enough with this nonsense. now it's time for an up-beat song.