a little explosion: pt. 1

lordy.

so where to begin?

i know i am sucking as bad as an unclogged toilet when it comes to posting new updates. i do try to squeeze in some time, when i am at work, to try to put something together. but i always get interrupted due to the demands of the job or due to some co-worker or other stopping by to shoot the breeze.

it's hard being a bureaucratic employee.

:-T

either that, or even if i do get started drafting a new post, something on my work computer will cause the program to crash, as it did yesterday, and i end up losing what might have been a really juicy post.

:-T

anyway, though, things have been really good lately. dimples and i are still seeing each other. we are enjoying each other's company whenever we can. we've established that she cannot promise more time to me than she has been dedicating to me thus far (e.g., once or twice a week), and we have promised each other that we won't compromise the other's expectations. so it seems like all we need to do is just sit back, turn on the cruise control, and take things as they come. at heart, we both really want to remain friends at the very least, no matter how things turn out. so long as we keep up the open dialogue that we have with each other, though, i've no doubt that we will indeed remain friends first and foremost.

thus, usually, things are all hunky-dory during the week, when we see each other at work. we often stop by each other's cubes to chit-chat throughout the day. it's gotten to the point where i feel like i have to be careful about those chit-chats, though; i'm sure anyone who happens to watch us can notice me staring in her eyes a little more intensely or my glance flitting over her body in a pretty unprofessional way.

i can't help these little nuances, these little changes in how i interact with her, as compared to how i used to before, when we were just merely incidental co-workers. she has really great skin -- there is a smooth texture and quite a sheen to it. she also has a subtle scent that i thrill in catching a whiff of. seriously, just the faintest trace of her scent makes me instantly cream myself.

i tell her these things in text messages or e-mails. nothing too bawdy, but, like, today, i couldn't help notice that her eyes, when i took the time to look into them, had a really beautiful milk chocolate hue to them. so i sent her a message saying as much.

and she pays me compliments, too. just yesterday, she told me wonderingly that i looked great, that my face had "a glow." then she cursed me jokingly for having a "natural beauty."

such sweet things to say!

:)

it has been during the dark of night, though, during our once-a-week get-togethers, that some of our more crazy arguments have developed.

and the last one we had got pretty bad.

it happened on a saturday night. another male co-worker had invited me, dimples, and another female co-worker to his house for dinner and to play video games. we stayed at his place for quite a while. by about 11 p.m., however, i was in my car and following dimples' car to her place.

when we got there, we made ourselves at home. she poured herself a glass of white wine, and i helped myself to a bottle of beer in her fridge. we then sat on her couch and began talking rather platonically for quite a while, discussing politics, work, work-related gossip, family. there was a wide space between us on the couch cushion. i couldn't help but glance down at dimples' low-cut top every now and then, at the cleavage that subtly peeked out through the vee. i remember thinking that i had never seen dimples naked before, under a full light. at most, i have seen her naked only under a faint, weaker light.

finally, it got to the point where i decided to be the one to initiate physical contact. usually, it is dimples who initiates. so maybe she had planned this out, to see how much conversation was going to occur before i decided to bite the bullet. i am just so shy, i cannot help it. but at last, i just put my bottle of beer down while dimples was talking. then i leaned over and took her glass out of her hand, and i put that down, too. once that was done, i began crawling towards her on the couch, feline-like. she stopped talking as i did so, leaning backwards as i moved towards her until she was lying flat on her back, letting me take over. i hovered over her, my hands on either side of her head, before lowering myself on top of her. when i was able to touch my lips to hers, they were moist, sweet, and soft.

as we kissed, i breathed in her scent. there is just something overwhelmingly sweet about her scent. it is a feminine yet motherly smell.

her mom was watching her kid that night. so the place was ours. we made out for a long time on the couch, taking our time. in the back of my mind, a worried little thought crossed my mind:

what if . . . it happens again? what if . . . i don't have an orgasm this time, either?

but just as quickly as it arrived, i banished the thought from my mind. it had been five weeks since dimples and i had started hooking up. and we have been having sex exactly once a week since then -- that is, five times thus far (however, one of those times does not count since i was on the rag at the time!).

and i have not had an orgasm once yet.

still.

:-T

dimples has tried, she really has. and i have been trying to relax and just enjoy the sensations -- which really is not so hard to do. ;)

however, for some reason, i just have not been able to clear that last hurdle once and for all.

but on this night, i wasn't too worried about it. i was going to just relax and let dimples work the magic that i knew her to be capable of -- and allow my body to simply follow her lead.

after our clothes got somewhat ruffled from our make-out session on the sofa, dimples temporarily put a halt to the action, suggesting, "why don't we go to my room?"

she went to refill her glass of wine, and i proceeded to go into her room first. it was completely dark in there, but her stereo was on, playing hip-hop music, and it gave off a faint neon glow. once in her room, i began disrobing. dimples came into the room before i finished taking all my clothes off. in the faint light, i saw her take a long draught of her wine. then she put the glass down and made her way to me.

she was in charge.

she got me on the bed. and i felt her naked body cover mine. her body was so smooth. we were kissing, holding each other's bodies close, running our hands over each other's skin, touching and rubbing everywhere we could. she was kissing me in a teasing way, her pointed, slim tongue darting into my mouth daringly, but before i could pull it into my mouth to suck on it, it would disappear back into hers.

i felt a sense of determination in her. it was faint and not very overwhelming. but i could still feel it nonetheless. it was something that had been unsaid by us during the week while we were at work. i knew she felt responsible for the fact that i haven't had an orgasm with her. so i could see it in her movements, in the way she kissed me, in the way she held my body down with hers, that she was determined that it was going to happen tonight.

i felt my fear rising faintly again. i was scared it wasn't going to happen yet again.

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that's all for now.

to be continued . . . .

too darn hot

i usually don't like to wake up very early on saturday mornings.

getting up at noon is usually fine with me.

but this morning, i roused myself out of bed pretty darned early at 10:30 a.m.; i had scheduled a personal training session with a new trainer at my gym for noon sharp, and i wanted to be able to eat a small breakfast and digest a cup of coffee before heading over. this new trainer had called me out of the blue earlier this week because i still had one paid session remaining, and the other trainer i had before, one who was pervy enough to scare me off from ever scheduling a training session ever again, had moved to a new gym.

"do you want to go ahead and schedule a new session before it expires?" she asked me, a nameless, faceless voice, over the phone.

i felt a feeling of dread. despite having just run in an 8k this past weekend, i haven't done crap this past week but eat everything in sight. i was in no shape to be assessed by a trainer. nonetheless, i agreed, and we set up a time.

i hadn't had a chance to meet this new trainer before. all i could tell, from having spoken with her on the phone, was that she sounded young and was, of course, female.

well, i met her today.

and she is hot!

she put me through an intense enough work-out today. we concentrated on doing some leg exercises and also some for my gleuts; she said she wanted to give me a booty.

and now, i can barely even walk.

we scheduled another session for this next coming saturday.

9 a.m. sharp.

that's another saturday morning for which sleeping in will be out of the question.

the sacrifices i make just to be able to hang out with attractive girls.

:-T

;)

emotional upheavals

last week was a really rough week.

i was drained physically and emotionally, and so my challenge was to not let any of that affect me, remain strong, and not let people down. i'm not sure how well i met those challenges . . . . but suffice to say, i'm just glad that particular week is over and that this new week has arrived.

the issues that arose last week, not all of which i'll talk about on this blog, are still present. but i feel better equipped to be able to handle them now. . . .

:)

things hit a rough patch with dimples several times last week. at work, she got frustrated with me a few times because of the fact that i tend to bow rather easily to the whims and fancies of a particular nit-picky, spoiled co-worker of ours. well, not just to that co-worker, but you could say that i tend to bend to the will of at least a few other co-workers as well. it frustrates dimples because it is starting to affect my relationship with her, and her bottom line is that i should be a little truer to myself and stick to my guns and not let myself get caught up in the petty whirlwinds that each of those other co-worker's drama might entail.

it's not that i try to be other people's b.f.f. but i am just used to operating a particular way with people. i'm used to being the one who has to compromise a little bit of herself in order to make other people happy or help them out; in my mind, i figure that it's just easier to compromise since i'm fully capable of doing so, rather than risk causing or furthering a sense of disharmony.

and yes, i also do it to be liked -- and i have a tendency to do whatever i can to maintain a particular facade and remain liked.

:-T

but it's gotten to the point where i feel that i have to navigate rather gingerly through the maze of other people's delicate feelings and opinions. it's tough being everyone's bff. and yet it's just how i'm used to operating.

this, however, marks the first time i've ever begun dating a co-worker – and so while i'm fully capable of continuing on playing the bff game with everyone, i can't do so now because dimples is not used to playing that sort of shit. she's more of a straight shooter. she sees this game i'm playing as something that doesn't allow me to be true to myself. and she doesn't like it.

so we had a couple of instances at the office last week in which my little game-playing started to irk her. but she was irked only for my sake. and she has begun wondering aloud what has happened in my life that has caused me to feel that i can only interact with other people only by making my own needs and wants subservient to the whims of others.

but we were able to kind of address the issue really quickly and move on.

friday night was a really interesting night. it was originally supposed to be a date night for me and dimples, but another co-worker friend of ours started experiencing all sorts of craziness last week to the point where she was in tears quite a bit, and so we did kind of a girls' night out to help the co-worker (let me call her jill) sort of forget her problems for a night and drink them away.

jill does not know about dimples and me. she didn't even know we were gay, although the three of us make up a fairly well-known trio at the office at this point.

nonetheless, she ended up kind of setting up a trap for me. we met for drinks starting at around 7 and ended up bar-hopping until a bout 1 a.m. during the beginning of the night, things were hunky-dory enough. but i sensed that jill was out to confront me about an issue, now that we were hanging out outside of the office and didn't have to worry about eavesdroppers. by about 10 p.m., she launched her attack:

she asked me if i was gay.

something to know about jill is that she is rather young and seems quite naive. she has a little-girl quality about her, an aura of wonderment. she is very smart and very aware – just innocent. that being said, i am kind of miffed at her for having spent most of friday night trying to broach the subject of whether i was gay, and then finally, after three hours, finally coming out and asking me.

i just don't like how she did that. such private matters are on a need-to-know basis. i'll tell you anything and everything i want when i feel like it. i'd rather not have you ask such a personal question when i don't even know whether to let you into that close personal circle of friends i have.

maybe that's just me. but that's how i feel.

of course, i know she is not going to judge me. she even assured me as such, saying with a smile, "i love you no matter what, abbagirl!" it's just the fact that she made such a point of asking me at all. like, if it's no big deal, and you love me no matter what, why do you feel the need to even ask me at all? does it shed some light on me that makes you view me differently? does it make you feel better to know this never-before-revealed aspect of myself? if it doesn't matter, why ask, period?

and what sucks even more? she didn't even bother asking dimples. dimples gave off enough cues to let jill know that she was gay and even that dimples and i have been seeing each other. i really don't know if jill picked up on those hints; she was just so fixated on me.

but that makes three people who have kind of taken the bull by the horns and asked me if i was gay. seriously, am i that obvious?

O_O

and dimples remains safe in her anonymity and no one is even aware that she is gay, too, all because she's had a kid.

soo not fair.

:-T

but dimples is, for sure, fair-minded. she's offered to tell jill, just for my sake, that she's gay, too. but i was like, "nah. forget about it."

the sacrifices i make for others. . . . . :-T

and it's not that i'm ashamed. it's not that i want to remain "closeted."

i just don't think it's anyone's biz a' tall.

:-T

after all that drama, both at work and with family and also that episode with jill which, i have to admit, totally frazzled me, there were other things to come.

"other things to come" . . . . but those "other things to come" did not include me.

yes. i still have not been able to have an orgasm with dimples yet.

. . . .

after we got rid of jill towards the tail end of that friday night, dimples and i went back to her place. she and i ultimately ended up lying naked on her couch. she was on top of me. my legs were spread wide open and my knees drawn up. we were kissing hungrily, and her fingers were inside me, pumping in short thrusts that made me throw my head back with rapture and close my eyes. when i could open them again, i found that her face was close to mine and she was watching me so closely, so carefully, so tenderly. she was so attuned to me and just concentrating on me.

and i just ended up losing it.

i started feeling all these mixed emotions. stress from the week, stress from the evening. the tender look i saw on her face was incongruent with all the craziness i'd experienced up to that point. and i was touched by it. i was touched to the point where the emotions whirling up in me overpowered the physical sensations of pleasure she was weaving from finger-fucking me.

so i started crying. i couldn't stop the tears from surfacing. "stop!" i gasped. i grasped her wrist to stop it from its movements and tried to sit up. "please stop."

it took her by surprise. but even though the room was dark, she could tell i was upset. and when i started crying, she took me in her arms and held me.

it only took a few minutes for me to calm down and when i did, i apologized. but dimples kind of ended up exploding at me. "what the fuck was that all about?" she said, and i knew she was angry, confused.

so she went berserk for a few minutes there. she was pissed. the whole week of drama at work plus that little episode of mine, which really did come out of nowhere for me as much as for her, just got her all kind of fed up. and i don't blame her.

at the same time, she tends to express her anger in ghetto terms and use the same kinds of emotional expressions that ghetto folks do. so i ended up getting pissed at that in turn. it was a confrontational kind of anger that i'm not used to dealing with, and she kept spewing all sorts of attitude-y words and gestures.

like, i'm white. talk to me as if i were a p.c. white girl!

:-T

after she vented at me, she put on her bra and panties and went to the bathroom. i thought that was my cue to leave. so i started getting dressed.

she came back into the room just as i was starting to find my shoes and asked, "where are you going?"

"i thought you wanted me to leave," i said stiffly.

she sat back down on the couch, and i did, too. and then we had a more civil conversation. i promised to be more honest and upfront about my feelings and not let them stopper up and fester inside me. and she promised to be patient with me until i could get to that point where i could be more assertive and comfortable with my feelings. and we talked about my inability to have an orgasm with her just yet.

finally, she started leaning in towards me until i was laying on my back again on the couch. "it's a mental thing," she whispered. and i knew she was talking specifically about my inability to have an orgasm with her thus far. "but i am willing to wait and be patient with you."

we then started making out again, and eventually all our clothes ended up strewn on the floor once more. i let her try to masturbate me once more, but again, no cigar. so i flipped us around so that i could concentrate my efforts on her.

dimples is starting to be more and more vocal when i start fucking her. she's begun saying dirty things that make me blush and cream myself even now when i think back and remember. she apparently enjoys my style of tongue-fucking her and isn't shy about letting me know when she finds pleasure in certain tongue moves and flourishes of mine. and i must say i like letting her lay back, relax, and enjoy things.

:)

when she came, she exulted, and when she got her breath, she gasped out, "that's not fair!" and i had to grin, knowing that she meant it was unfair that she came but that i have not yet.

we're going to get there, though. i think my first step is just trying to be open and upfront with her with things that may be on my mind and that i am otherwise not used to vocalizing. she told me today at work that she's willing to be patient until we get there. "i think it will be worth it," she told me.

and it just makes me feel so lucky to be able to get so close and intimate with a cool chick like her.

:-T

we'll see what happens. . . . i mentioned another girl, in a previous post, to whom i'm also attracted. that certainly complicates things. dimples is good to me. she's patient with me. she understands me. and she made it known over the past weekend that she's not going to be dating anyone else while she's seeing me.

and yet on my part, there is someone else who also holds my interest. . . .

i don't quite know what to do about this.

:-T

thinking too much again

seeing a co-worker is hard.

but i know it can be even harder on both me and dimples because we're gay.

and no one knows that but us.

there are quite a few older employees at our office who are gay as well and are open about it.

but they're management folks.  so pretty much, no one can mess around with them anyway.

by the same token, a lot of smack gets talked about them behind their backs, some of it related to however poor their management skills are -- but a lot of it also related to the fact that they're gay.

dimples and i work in the same office area but just under different supes.  and we both feel that our (male) bosses would not be as cool with us if they knew.  and of course, it'd be even worse if they knew that we were seeing each other.

:-T

some of our other co-workers would be cool, we think, if they knew we were gay – at least the ones that we're now pretty good friends with.  but we haven't tested the waters yet.  and i think dimples and i both feel that it'd be weird if they knew anyway. 

so we are, for now, keeping things on the down low.

it's definitely a challenge, though.  like, at the office, there is a group of us who form a close, tight-knit group.  we have all gotten to be pretty good friends.  but i have to try my damnedest to not let my eyes linger too long on dimples and to not do anything that would betray the fact that she and i have become more than just friends.

and yet i have to admit it's kind of fun to be all sneaky like this, too.  dimples and i have already begun talking about stealing away on our breaks just so that we can have some privacy and be able to make out.  unfortch, it's been hard finding those kinds of opportunities, though . . .

 

:-T

anyway, dimples and i had arranged to go out on a date this past friday.  i'd been looking forward to it; during the week, we only see each other at work and have to act professionally, and then right after work, she has to go pick up her daughter from day care, go home, make dinner, etc.  if we do hang out, it's usually only on the weekends. 

 

dimples is so really cool.  she's very laid-back with me.  she doesn't want to do anything that would scare me off.  and yet there are times when she's quite bossy, too.  she calls me on my shit or tackles my insecurities head on, and that always ends up getting me flustered, embarrassed, self-conscious.  but it is in a good way, for sure.  and then she is also starting to rough it up in bed – which, of course, i totally and thoroughly enjoy.

 

:)

anyway, on friday night, it was just a real interesting evening.  for the first time, dimples called me her girlfriend.  i kind of liked the sound of it coming. 

 

it happened when we were walking hand-in-hand from my car, after i found some street parking, to a gay club.  i had picked her up from her second job at around 9 p.m., and we'd had a few drinks at a local bar before deciding to go dancing.  we weren't wearing matching attire at all.  i had kinda dressed up, but she was still wearing her low-key dress clothes for the day; she hadn't had time to go home and change in-between her jobs.

 

so she joked about it when we were on our way to the club.  "i guess i'll be the butch one tonight," she said.  "and if anyone messes with my girlfriend tonight," she did some faux menacing gang posturing, "they better watch out!"

 

i think we both realized at the same time that she used the "g" word, and i felt her growing self-conscious.  so i made a quick flippant comment to keep the light-hearted tone alive.

 

i don't mind her using the word at all.  i don't care what she calls me, actually.  "a rose by any other name smells just as sweet."  all that matters is that we both continue to have a good time with each other and enjoy each other's company.  and so far, so good – i enjoy being with her.

 

the reason why i have not completely and totally committed to her is . . . well, there's another girl i like right now.  with her, nothing has happened, of course.  but i like her, too.  and i'd like to explore the relationship i have with her.  so far, we are just friends.  and who knows, maybe that's all we will ever be.  but at the moment, whereas i'm interested in both girls, they both make me feel different things.

 

with dimples, i feel very comfortable.  i really like her, i like how things are going with her.  she makes me feel so . . . appreciated.  accepted.  understood.  perhaps even loved.  i feel she understands me – and that's why she's keen on giving me so much space until i can totally and freely commit to her.  i really enjoy myself when i'm with her.  she is not college-educated, but we keep up with each other's conversation really well.  she keeps up with current events and reads a lot.  she's also starting to rough me up in bed and whisper dirty things to me – which only makes me happy because i love talking dirty but wasn't sure if she was into that.  :-T 

 

and for her part, i think she's in love with me.  she has not said as much in so many words – but she does not need to.  i can see it in her face, in her eyes. 

 

with the other girl, there is another kind of connection.  one that makes me feel excited.  i can feel my face heating up with warmth whenever i think of her.  with dimples, i kind of feel like i know where i stand; with this other girl, i don't have that same feeling of certainty.  i don't even know if anything will come of it; maybe i'm just infatuated with her.  but . . . at the risk of sounding like a major two-timer, i'd like to see if anything happens with her, too.

 

i know.  sheer craziness.

 

:-T

 

i know it sounds like everything in my life is under control and that everything is going well.  and for the most part, they are.

 

but there is just one little thing.  and i am going to confess it here, and the only reason why i am is only because this blog is anonymous.  but under normal circumstances, i would not admit this!

 

see, the thing is . . . there's just something wrong with me.  with dimples . . . i have not been able to come.

 

um, have an orgasm, i mean.

 

it's a mental thing, i think.  she tries pretty hard to try to help me to come.  and she has a really delightful tongue.  in fact, i love her tongue; it is small, narrow, rather pointed – and boy, does she know how to use it!

 

;)

 

nonetheless, i'm just having a hard time.  i just can't come.

 

and while it's frustrating on my part, i actually feel bad for dimples' sake – more so for her than for me.  she's frustrated and starting to take it a little personally.  i know a part of the difficulty is due to the fact that i'm just thinking too much.  it is not dimples' fault at all – it's me.  my mind's always on the run, thinking about things.  i do try to help her out and give her verbal feedback and put her head and hands just where i want them to be.  but . . . nonetheless, the most i ever feel is just pleasurable sensations – nothing enough to just get me off.

 

:-T

 

i confided in a really good friend of mine the other night, this gay guy who used to work at this office and with whom i totally hit it off before he ended up transferring to another office.  he thinks it's totally mental, too.  he figures it's because i am still hung up on her and that, as a result, i am too afraid to surrender myself completely. 

 

"what is an orgasm but a complete surrendering of yourself," he said philosophically.  "a complete surrendering of control.  for some reason, you're not letting yourself give up that control.  you're not ready to surrender yourself."

 

and i think he's right.  i was so in love with her, the one who got away, and i wanted to give over myself over to her so completely in every possible way.  and what ended up happening is that i got burned; she didn't want me at all.  to this day, i still don't know why. . . .  but i'm scared of letting that happen again, of losing control over my emotions. . . .

 

for the record, i don't think about her as much anymore.  before, i was totally obsessed.  and just the thought of her was enough to make me start bawling silent tears and ruin an entire day.

 

:-T

 

i do still think about her, probably more than i should, but the frequency of those thoughts have lessened as have the intensity of the emotions.  like, right now, thinking about her, i am sad again.  but i am not as upset or emotional.

 

i wonder about her.  i think i always will.  i will always wonder what she's up to, how she's doing, if she's managing to stay out of trouble.  i still care about her a lot, even though i know, rationally, i shouldn't.  she shouldn't even cross my mind anymore . . . .

 

but i can't help it; i can't help continuing to think think about her.  but . . . at least i'm not mad at her anymore.  just sad, whenever i happen to dwell on it, like now.  but no, not mad.  whatever it was that happened that caused her to just dismiss me so casually from her life,  i'm sure she had her reasons.

 

if i could, though, i'd tell her i was sorry . . . .  yes, even though it was me who ended up getting hurt, not her. 

 

:-T

 

but if it was me who ended up doing things that pushed her away, i am really sorry about it.  i think, in the end, i cared way too much for her.  and she didn't want that.  i think the intensity of my emotions just ended up scaring her off.

 

but i don't know.  and that's the thing -- who knows. 

 

:-T

 

but i think . . . i'm afraid of feeling that same intensity for someone again.  i think i'm afraid that if i ever do feel that same passionate love for anyone, she'll end up being scared off.  i think i'm afraid of completely surrendering myself.  i think i'm afraid that i'll end up at that point again where i have to struggle to get myself together and mend the pieces all over again.  because it is hard; it has been so damned hard to get myself back again.

 

i know that not everyone is the same.  she and dimples are similar in a few ways but also quite different.  they are both assertive, and they speak their minds.  they have a way of making me want to be totally and completely dominated by them.  but dimples has already given more of herself to me than she did.  she trusts me and cares about me.  she's let me into her life and has made room for me in ways that i find touching.  it just shows how much she has already begun to care.  and she always wants to know what i'm thinking; if she sees a look come over my face, she wants to know what i'm thinking – and like a child, i obediently tell her (i am really transparent like that; i can't really hide anything from anyone on just a moment's notice. :-P).  thus far, we just really have a good repoire – just like i (feel i) did with her.

 

dimples knows about her, though.  not the entire circumstances, of course – i don't think i will ever tell the specific details to anyone!

 

O_O

 

but she knows that there was someone i cared a lot about.  we talked about it one night just briefly after we had just started seeing each other.  we were having drinks (for some reason, my favorite concoction these days is vodka and pineapple) and just chit-chatting.  "she was the love of your life, huh?" she asked me. 

 

it felt really weird having someone utter aloud that very thought that has plagued my mind for most of this past year.  yes, i have felt that way about her this whole time.  but in response to dimples' query, i merely shrugged; i didn't know what to say. 

 

however, dimples saw something in my face.  "she really broke your heart," she said, as more of a statement than a question.  i only looked at her, neither denying or agreeing.

 

but the thing is, i did not feel sad or regretful about dimples honing in on that.  i felt that, in a way, by acknowledging it, dimples has, in a way, conquered it and turned it into a non-issue.  in that way, she's now taken a hand to help me to create the next chapter of my life for however long it will be.  so that night, it made me feel rather optimistic.

 

such drama.  but i know it only exists in my head.  i try my best to live in the moment and experience things just for experience's sake.

 

and yet i just can't help myself.  i can't help overly cogitating.

 

:-T

letting things be

for the past couple of weeks, i have been merely going through the motions at work as if in a haze.  i have enough presence of mind to remain vigilant about all my assignments, due dates, etc.  but more and more, i find my gaze being drawn, like a magnet, in the direction of dimples.  the cube walls are not very high, so i just need to turn my head slightly to the left, peer around my potted african violet, to easily be able to see the back of her head.

 

as i mentioned in my last post . . . .

 

i really like her.

 

and i find even more reasons to like her with each passing day.

 

she's a single mom.  and there's just something about single moms.  :) 

 

due to necessity of circumstance and perhaps also innately, they just tend to have a greater clarity of mind, a greater sense of efficiency, and a greater capacity to care.  i love and respect the fact that she's raising her daughter on her own without any support from the baby daddy.  i love how she talks about her daughter, sometimes jokingly derisive, but i love the tenderness and love with which she cares for her daughter, too.

 

you just have to love the single moms.  :)

 

there are moments when she's looked at me, perhaps during the course of the work-day when no one's looking or during intimate moments when the both of us are locked in each other's arms, and there is just significant meaning writ large in her eyes and on her face.  i feel like i kind of know what the look means, and i can only look back at her with marvel on my face, although i try not to be so obvious about it when at work.  i've never had anyone look at me like that before.  it is a look that calms me and steadies me.  i'm not afraid of where i go with her or what happens.

 

we've had some interesting talks already.  sometimes during those talks, i feel like i am present but as two separate entities: one entity is there, in the moment, understanding her words and feeling like i'm of the same mind.  but a tiny part of myself remains separate and unmoved.  that tiny part of me knows that, if someone's heart is going to break, it will not be mine but hers.  this very notion is making me sad right now, as a i write this.

 

the things we have talked about include my potential move out of state to attend grad school.  she thinks i should go ahead and go, but i can tell she would be troubled by the idea.  we have also talked about children.  i get the sense that she would like more kids – and that she would have no problem if i wanted to have kids, too.  it feels strange to admit that we have had that conversation already, about having more kids – but at the same time, it felt rather natural, too. 

 

she's always asking me, trying to be sure, "this isn't weird, is it?"  i find it sweet that she cares.  for instance, we have a date tomorrow, but it is usually hard for her to find a sitter on friday nights.  so she asked me, "do you mind if my daughter comes?  i don't mean to weird you out. . . ."  and she always looks so concerned about it.  i know she doesn't want to scare me off so soon, by exposing me so much to her daughter. 

 

but of course, it's no problem for me at all.  i already enjoy spending time with both her and her kid.  in fact, the kid fascinates me. 

 

it's just a given with single moms; they are part of a package deal.  in fact, i'd have a problem with it if she wasn't so concerned about her kid and if she made it more of a priority to be with me than with her daughter.  no, in my opinion, it should not be she or her daughter who must try to rearrange themselves for my sake; it should be the other way around, for sure.

 

nonetheless, i still find her concern about "weirding me out" very touching.

 

there is also something else that i found touching recently -- but also rather funny.  we were in the midst of . . . doing some things.  ;)  and her fingernails were, at some points, starting to chafe me.  at such moments, i would pant to her, "that hurts!" and then try to rearrange her fingers to be a lot less harsh.

 

the next time i saw her, we were having lunch with another co-worker.  i happened to be looking at her hands and saw that gone were the long, well-manicured fingernails with the dark pink paint.  instead, her nails were neatly cut short and covered with clear gloss.

 

i later remarked to her about them in a teasing way.  "i did it for you," she said, teasing me right back.  "you better be grateful!"  later in the day, i could hear the distinct sound of her trimming her nails even more.

 

:)

 

but . . . things are still rather early.  and we are both careful, i think, to not push things or set any high expectations for each other.  she's afraid of scaring me off, and i'm just afraid that . . .

 

well, i don't know what i'm afraid of, per se. . . . 

 

what matters most, though, out of everything, is that we are having a good time and enjoying each other's company and simply letting things be.  and for sure, i'm having the best, most genuine fun i've had in a very long time.

 

and in the long run, things will fall into place in whatever way they will.

a succinct update

no more story-telling from me for a while, i think. :)

but thanks to those who were interested in reading pts. 2 and 3 and gave me such good responses n return! i'm seriously stoked abut that. i found the whole experience of sharing those stories with you to be very encouraging and very invigorating. so for sure, you guys have my warmest and most gracious regards. :)

anyhow, i need to speed things up and find a more efficient and coherent way to organize my thoughts about what's been happening since then between me and dimples. on a general basis, i always feel such internal chaos whenever i go for a long period of time without writing about things that run through my mind.

for now, though, because i don't have time to wax philosophical, i'm going to have to keep it simple.

so essentially, at this point, what it boils down to is this:

i'm really liking dimples.

:)

good news - bad news

good news:

• pt. 2 is written up -- at least as far as i can take it. and there may ultimately be a pt. 3 involved, too.

bad news:

• pt. 2 might be too . . . detailed to post for public view (e.g., abbagirl is too chickenshit and shy to post it).
  

good news:

• i'm still willing to share it.

bad news:

• but i'm only going to share it via e-mail. . . .
  

so contact me if you want to read it -- you can find me here:

abbagirl.80 at gmail.com

otherwise, it's back to business as usual for me here. :) i feel like i ought to go back to the original theme that i'd written about a lot during the past year -- that is, fretting about the bar exam.

but ugh! too much life to live at the moment! there's just been so much going on that it's hard to get my bearings sometimes. :-P so really, this weekend will bring a needed respite -- finally.

:-T

in the meantime, still have one work day left in the week to get over and done with. :) happy friday all!