heavy and dark

i am going through a real crappy time right now.

i don't even know what to say.

just a couple of weeks ago, i really thought things could not get any worse.

but wow. life sure kicks you in the ass and teaches you to not take things for granted like that, because things can get worse.

although i must keep in mind that i should be grateful for some things -- like being alive, having a roof over my head, having food, and at least one or two people who care about me.

but i have to say that, while there may be some fight in, there have been a few times where i do want to give up completely. no longer put up a fuss. no longer take a stand. just kind of receded into the background.

the only person i have to turn to lately is my therapist. she's the one person who helps me hold it all together and remains steadfast for me throughout this storm.

my former roommate tried to be that for me yesterday. and it ain't working. her entire personality is exactly that which i am trying to fight against. but it's not just her anymore; it's other people who are just like her -- strong-willed, strong personalities, opinionated. i've had enough of those kinds of people. i just want to be able to take a step back, breathe, and be among people similar to me, similar to my therapist -- thoughtful, quiet, unobtrusive, reasonable. i just don't have anyone in my life like that any longer.

at the end of 2010, i picked up a chinese fortune-telling book for the next lunar year, the year of the tiger. the year of the tiger, according to the book, was going to be a challenging one for me. as one born in the year of the monkey, the year of the tiger is exactly six years away from the year of my birth. that six years is apparently quite telling. on the chinese horoscope chart, which has twelve signs altogether, the tiger is located diametrically opposite from mine at 180 degrees. it is my direct opposite. thus, any person born in the year of the tiger is not going to be good for me. and any year that is of the tiger will not be good for me, either.

i don't know if it's just a mere coincidence. but it's becoming quite true for me.

i've begun losing friends at work. coincidentally (or not), these friends are also friends with my old roommate as well. i am still on good speaking terms with my ex-roommate and have indeed already spent some time with her and her kid outside of work. but there has also been so much drama at work lately that it is just as well if i stop talking to her and all these other so-called friends as well. just goes to show that i can't be friends with everyone and that i should probably stop trying. not that i have it in me to want to be so nice to people anymore. . . . i think i'm done. i'm drained.

one could say that i am stuck in a bout of depression. i wouldn't disagree. for the longest time, i have been trying to do my damnedest to snap out of it. but i keep getting bogged down in drama -- professionally, personally, and in my family. it's gotten to the point where i really don't want to take it anymore. i can't. not if i want to stay sane and have hope and reason to keep going . . . .

hopefully, my next post will be more cheerful. i'm tired of being so down and depressed. i just need to find a way, an incentive, to snap out of it.