my imaginary boyfriend

when things are generally going bad, one must merely hunker one's shoulders down, continue firmly forward, and patiently wait for things to get better.

when things are generally going well, one tends to wonder how long the good-luck spell will last while guiltily enjoying the great boon that the good fortune brings.

i guess i'm in a real pensive mood tonight. things have been going pretty steadily along lately. i have nothing much to complain about. life, these past couple of weeks, has been going generally all right. i've merely been trying to keep in mind that i must not expect too much of others. and when i don't take them seriously, as i've had in the past, then all those expectations fall away, and it is easier for me to keep myself in the moment and yet detached from it all.

i ran a race over the weekend -- just a small 5k. having been sick throughout the month of april, i hadn't had much of an opportunity, let alone will power, to try and train for it. and had it not been for a friend signing up for the race, i probably would have let the race slide. but i did run it and i'm glad i did. i've gained some weight ever since coming down with the strep, and the race was just the thing to help motivate me to get back into shape.

after all, it is almost summer as well. gotta get into bikini shape!

anyhoo, the other day, i had a weird moment at work.

i was walking down the hall, and a big boss came out of one of the doors and began walking with me, in the same direction i was. the hallway was empty except for us.

i greeted him with a "hello," and he responded in kind.

then, putting an arm around my shoulders with a firm hand, he said, "so. what's the name of your boyfriend?" this instant physical contact startled me, but i tried not to be visible about my reaction. his hand on my shoulder felt heavy, and he was pulling me closer to him so that our sides were pressed against each other as we walked. he has been trying to get me to start studying for the bar exam, and he is always telling me jokingly, "stop going out with your boyfriend and just hit the books!" i always got the sense, whenever he said that, that he wanted me to admit whether i had a boyfriend or not.

trying to think quickly, i responded, "well. is this something we should be discussing at work?" i gave him a sort of teasing smile. but i didn't like the weight of his hand on my shoulder.

he began laughing. "c'mon, you don't want to talk to me?" he was strutting as he walked, his head tilted cockily to the side as he gave me a look. one of his lesser-known names is the b@ndy rooster -- and he certainly lived up to the name at the moment.

i shrugged good-naturedly at him. "gotta keep my secrets, you know," i replied, forcing a laugh. but my mind was racing, going over things that he has said to me in the past and getting a bad sense of things to come, if i did not remain vigilant and on my guard.

gotta watch it with this guy.

not again.

i think i've come down with another bug.

one morning last week, a co-worker began complaining of a sore throat. "i've got a tickle in my throat," she would say carefully, and you could see her painfully swallowing the words out. i sympathized and shared with her some of the ricola cough drops that i've taken to bringing everywhere with me this past month.

she didn't last through the day and went home early.

she's been out of the office since. well, sorta. she tried to come back in to work the day after leaving early and got sent home. then today, she was here -- and got sent home again because of the new fear that anyone who has typical flu symptoms may be a carrier of swine flu.

whatever she's got, swine flu or not, i think i've come down with it.

i've got a tickle in my throat.

:-T

actually, it's more than a tickle. there are times when i'm swallowing spit when it feels like someone's thrusting a needle into my throat. i am drinking decaf chai tea with honey right now and blinking my heavy-lidded dry eyes in an effort to wake myself up out of this dense haze my mind and body seem to be in.

not again. . . .

at a family gathering today

uncle: so who are you dating?

me: *deer-caught-in-headlights look*

uncle: *teasing, taunting loud voice* is it a guy or a girl?

me: *annoyed, dirty look*

uncle: *continuing in teasing, taunting voice* it's okay -- it's 2009 now. you can COME OUT now at ANY TIME.

me: *flushed, flummoxed, and annoyed -- and hoping that no one heard and that those who did will not take the comments seriously*

LATER . . . .

same uncle: so are you going to take that exam again?

me: *short tone* i don't want to talk about that.

aunt nearby: *giggling at my response*

uncle: *giving a nudge and saying quietly* don't give up.

--------------------------------------------

two different exchanges from the same uncle today.

this is an uncle who used to bully and taunt me when i was younger. we are close in age and so we were brought up almost as siblings. i still remember those times growing up with him with resentment. he was mean.

and today, in one day, he showcased certain attributes that make me recall how mean he was -- and yet he kind of made up for it by telling me not to give up on that bar exam.

what a way to mess with someone's feelings.

the aunt who giggled actually giggled at me twice today. both times, her giggles were for the same reason: when i stone-cold said i did not want to talk about the bar exam when asked point-blank about it.

this uncle of mine, i'm feeling all sorts of mixed emotions about him right now. he's hurt me, embarrassed me, exposed me, made me feel vulnerable, and yet then sympathized and consoled me -- all in one sitting.

fuck him. it's fucked up. he's fucked up. he should just shut the fuck up and leave me alone. and fuck everyone else.

just let me be.

burn out

there's not enough time in the day.

i get up bright and early at . . .

-- 7 a.m.

:-T

okay, maybe more like 7:15-ish.

:-T

and i make it into the office late, a few minutes past 8.

from there, i just go non-stop. things are just intense. i get caught up in the deadlines, the rush, the need to please, the desire to help. and before i know it, it's 5 p.m., 6 p.m., and the exhaustion hits me. at that point, it's time to go home, and i am way too worn out to do anything else.

but i have to. there is just more to do, even after the normal business hours are over. things i've committed to doing outside of work and which are just as consuming as a full-time job is.

in a way, i guess you could say i have a commitment problem: i commit to doing things that i am cajoled, persuaded, or believe i have to do.

i fell ill with strep throat about two weeks ago. when i did, i was out sick from work for over a week. dimples has told me that she thinks i got that sick because it was my body's way of making me take a break from all my commitments. at the time she said that, i didn't really believe it. but now i do. in retrospect, i needed that time off from work. before i got sick, i was starting to get really burned out and resentful. i was overwhelmed with work -- but no longer feeling any motivation to care about getting it all done.

now, i've only been back at work for two weeks, i think. and i have seen a resurgence in my level of energy and motivation. it's just been feeling great to be back after having all that time off. but already, i'm starting to feel piqued.

as my boss has noted, my office has a bad habit of "eating our young." or as dimples has said wryly to me at least once, at our office, 20% of the staff end up doing 80% of the work. when you're good, you're given assignments as a testament to your abilities; if you're not good, you're . . . well, you're not given anything. you're paid to sit on your ass and waste time and space.

such a great thing to be able to get paid to do nothing -- while the 6 million+ unemployed throughout the nation would just love to have a chance at that job and make sure that they gratefully earn that wage.

:-T

that's how it is with st@te service, though. a lot of the staff are mediocre. they do enough to get by, if even that. it's just hard to fire such lazy asses. the state rules protect them.

ah, but i'm just griping. i'm just a little frustrated, though. the work i do isn't all that hard, per se. however, i'd say that the fact that i'm doing the same amount of work that 2-4 staff should do is starting to wear on me once more. i'm burning out yet again.

i'd also like to start figuring out how to fulfill other commitments i've made. i know i just need to be a little more productive and efficient with my time. just schedule things, and follow through with the schedule.

ugh! it would just be easier if there was more time in the day!

:-T

naked

i had the most heinous day today. it was to the point where my boss decided to send me home about an hour earlier than usual and wouldn't take no for an answer.

the crux of the entire shenanigans that took place was the use of me as a pawn. a pawn for power play. a pawn in the game of status quo vs. change. is it change for the better or change for the worse? i can't say and can't tell. but i don't need that. i don't need to be in the mix of that.

i'm a lowly employee. why can't these people just remember that? i'm an automaton. i take orders and i get things done. if i wanted to think or make decisions or take responsibility for important major decisions, i'd -- well, i'd have passed the bar and become a full-fledged attorney by now, wouldn't i?

:-T

so that stressed me out. it was about a 2+ hour experience of just sitting in a meeting and hearing everyone speak oh-so-glowingly about me while also trying to maneuver me as a pawn into place.

i don't want to be in meetings like that. i don't like that. i don't get why these kinds of games and these kinds of wranglings have to be done. i don't understand why there can't just be some direct and honest dialogue. so it left me feeling all wired and strung out by about 4 p.m.

my boss had been privy to the whole thing, and indeed was part of why i ended up feeling the way i did. he seemed to understand that emotions were roiling in me, and so he sent me home early. i tried to protest a little, but i felt my emotions getting raw and knew i'd be of no use at the office anymore anyway. so i followed his order and packed up my stuff and left.

other stuff happened in the midst of that, too. but not ready to write about that yet.

anyhow. about an hour ago, i finally joined a popular social networking site, one that requires the input of one's real name and real facts. i'm already starting to regret joining the site a little now -- but at the same, a few people and i have added each other to our friends' list already, so might as well just give it a chance, maybe a week or so, and see how it goes.

yes, it's hard to re-connect with those friends of mine from law school. just hard. the state i graduated law school from has a bar passage rate of almost 90%, so most of my old friends from law school have been practicing attorneys since we graduated. i am the only one of three or four hold-outs who haven't passed. . . .

but i need to grow up about it. can't keep hiding forever. and that's one of the reasons that prompted me to sign up for the site. i need to just buck up and face facts and have faith that those people who were my friends during the most difficult years of my educational experience don't judge my worth on that one test and will continue to be my friends.

so this is that test. ugh. but it's a test that really required me to take several deep breaths before i could go through with it. . . . however, 'tis done now. and while i am starting to see why everyone and their moms are fans of this site, i'll keep myself in check and play it by ear and see how it goes.

it's such a healing process, being a chronic bar exam failure. or maybe it's just me. but . . . it's just hard to face the world in your full naked glory, without shame, when you feel like you have so many ugly blemishes.

:-T

back at work

the day was as busy as i knew it would be. a good chunk of it was spent just sorting through the mounds of work that had accumulated. lots of paperwork had been left on my chair -- i had left piles of unfinished paperwork on my desk before my ill hiatus -- my inbox was full. so lots of sorting had to be done.

having been gone as long as i have -- about six working days -- i felt like i was having an out-of-body experience while greeting co-workers whom i hadn't seen in so long. while i was interacting with them, jiving with them, a part of me remained distant and observed my outward interactions with them.

that aloof, suddenly observant part of me marveled at how easily i re-connected with my co-workers in such a loose, friendly, effortless way. chatting, remembering details and asking after them, joking, smiling.

over a week ago, some of those exchanges with co-workers would have felt forced. lacking in genuineness. tired.

but today, i feel like i picked up something i had lost, while i was sick last week, and i now have whatever it is in my pocket again.

having that sick week was really almost like having a vacation. of course, just one day back at the office has begun making my pulse race frenetically again. but the stress isn't as bad as it was before.

who knows how long this will last. at the very least, i got the hardest part out of the way: coming back after having been out for so long. the rest of the week, as i ease myself back into the routine, should be cake.

right?

:-T

completely asexual

i've been noticing something interesting lately.

no one in my family -- no one -- ever asks me about my love life.

on the one hand, this is, obviously, a good thing. that means i don't have to scramble to come up with some fib about who i'm seeing. it means i can be left in peace and not be required to lie or cover anything up.

but on the other hand, it just makes me wonder: aren't they even curious?

:-T

my mom and i are close, and we like -- or she likes, rather -- to speculate on my other sisters' love lives. who are they seeing? what's the boy like? is the relationship serious? are they ever really going to settle down and get married?

through all of our speculations, none of the questions ever get directed to me. i don't really field questions of, "so what about you, abbagirl? are you seeing someone? aren't you ever going to settle down and get married?"

relatives used to ask me this question -- right after i finally came home and had moved back from the mormon state. "so do you have a boyfriend? do you want to meet someone? i know a guy who's been wanting to meet you." to these questions, i would quietly demur, then quickly try to change the subject. i was always successful in deflecting those questions whenever they came my way.

but it's been a few years now since i've been back in the golden state, and those questions don't come to me anymore.

why is that? i'm curious. is there meaning to be read from these silences, these omissions? is it because my family really doesn't want to go there, for fear of having the truth be actualized and spoken? or do they believe me to be completely asexual, a virginal flower, a chastely proper girl for life?

i don't know why i'm wondering this. not being ready to come out to my family and deal with the resulting repercussions, i.e., stigma, disgust, confusion, befuddlement, shame, etc., i should be glad that my love life is left in the dark and neither spoken of nor alluded to.

it gets pretty claustrophobic, though, not being out. i'm only out to a handful of people in the world, and when i'm not with them, i have to put up a front so that no one would ever even guess.

there are days, though, when i think it would be awesome to just do away with these safely guarded secrets and knock down the wall that i use to protect myself from the world (or the world from myself) and just let loose. i think it would make me feel amazingly free to just do something crazy and unusual -- like shave all my hair off, get all tatted up like kat von d., and let my renegade dyke self come out.

the thing that holds me back, though, is . . . i think i'd immediately miss long hair -- and being the quiet good girl.

:-T

better

i've become an amoeba.

ooey and gooey all over.

everywhere, what little muscle i had before has softened and become cushion-like.

my pee smells like penicillin.

i'd signed up for a race that was to take place today.

obviously, didn't go through with it.

i went for a drive today and came back within an hour.

just that one little excursion plumb tuckered me out.

i have so much to do, though. so much to do, so little time, so little energy, and so little . . . money.

i'm gonna go back to work on monday, though, and tackle the huge mounds of work that i know have been piling there. over a week's worth.

i did try to go to work. on wednesday, i went to work as usual. but i was only there for an hour and a half before i got a phone call from my doctor's office. i had tested postive for strep throat. i was not to go to work for 48 hours. "but i'm already at work," i protested. "does that mean i have to go home now?"

"yes" was the answer.

so then i went home.

some additional movies i've been able to watch during the week include matrix: revolutions, appaloosa, eagle eye (which is hella good! i'm now a die-hard shia laboef fan! what a hottie!), the incredible hulk (the edward norton version), lions for lambs, hulk vs. thor and hulk vs. wolverine, hellboy ii, and i just started hollywoodland. i've got another 12 dvds ready to be cued up when i'm done.

seriously, i haven't watched this many movies in one setting in a really, really, really long time. in fact, i haven't sat down to watch a dvd, period, in quite a while. i'm not a sit-down-and-watch-the-telly kind of person usually.

a couple of friends called me during this past week while i was in my hibernation mode. they called to check on me and see how i was doing. it was nice to hear from them.

the deadline for signing up for the july bar was april 1. i haven't signed up. i think i can still sign up before april 14 but with a late fee of $ 50.

my chief wants me to take the exam, and he said he's willing to make a lot of concessions for me to be able to study and work at the same time. i haven't quite committed to doing it again. a part of me is quite content with how things are right now, with work and other commitments.

but the grass is always greener, you know?

i've run into lots of people i knew in high school who also work for the st@te. they have a normal bachelor's degree, and it took them anywhere from 4 to 8 years to graduate from college. or they may not even have a college degree. but they are still working in the same job classification as me, making roughly the same salary.

and then i look at the senior staff counsel who's been working with my unit a lot lately. she gets a lot of props, and her words carry a lot of clout. she just knows her shit. by my estimation, she makes $ 6-7,000 a month.

it sure would be nice to be in her position, is what i'm thinking.

:-T