tomorrow's my day

it's my day tomorrow!



one of the secretaries for my office has been putting together a birthday list for our office. i was one of the few who hadn't let her know when mine was, and when she asked me, point-blank, i demurred.

however, i sense that there is a conspiracy on and that she has somehow found out. and i think she was encouraged in this endeavor by dimples, who knew my day was coming up soon but could not recall the exact day.

so i think dimples went to the secretary, had the secretary go through my personnel folder, and then they both were able to obtain the information they had sought for their own personal purposes.

i hadn't suspected a thing, though.

until this evening.

i was checking work e-mail, even though, of course, i'm not obligated to do so during my non-working hours. there were several new messages. i opened one that had been sent from my boss.

the e-mail gave me an assignment that i will probably work on tomorrow.

and in closing, it also said, "Happy Birthday!!!"

i'm sure he expected for me to see that e-mail first thing tomorrow morning, not tonight.

but now the cover is blown.

how in the world could he have known that?

i certainly did not tell him!

thus, i suspect that the conspiracy that will achieve full fruition tomorrow.

there will be some sort of birthday-related surprise in store for me.

i'm wary. . . .

but only because . . . .

-- i guess . . . .

i'm touched.

:-T

:)

relapse

i have so much on my mind. so many things i want to write about.

and yet i totally don't know if there is anything to say. . . .

:-T

in a nutshell, i guess i ought to say that i think i got duped -- yet again -- by dimples.

yes, we've hooked up again. a couple of times, actually. she had said she didn't want to mess with my head when she sent me those text messages the other day . . . .

but in my opinion, she has.

again.

DUDE.

and now she's doing this whole aloof thing.

i really don't understand.

after those text messages, we went out to one of our favorite dive bars, and eventually, we started talking about her feelings for me. -- or rather, "fantasies."

"what kind of fantasies?" i asked her with a smile. i was curious.

"just . . . how it used to be," she said. there was a faint look of memory on her face.

"is this . . . something purely physical on your part?" i wanted to know.

"no," she said. and i remember how she said it, leaning across the table towards me, her eyes fixed on mine with a softly purposeful look.

i thought she was telling me something there. i thought she was telling me, in her way, that she couldn't fight the physical attraction and that she thought that we could open up our relationship to something bigger that what we'd had before.

but now?

dude. i don't know. but god, am i stupid. why did i let my guard down? why did i want to believe that she missed me as much as i did her and that we had some sort of emotional and physical connection that we had been fighting against all this time?

fuck buddies. that's all this is. we are friends. and we fuck -- on her time table, not mine.

that's the biggest morale that i'm getting from this.

and when we're not fucking, we're supposed to pretend we never fucked and go back to being co-worker friends.

it's obviously an easy thing to do. why am i getting worked up? i get the best of both worlds with that kind of relationship. i get to have my best friend still, and i get to act on my attraction to her, which never went away.

no problemo, right?

and yet, because of how this situation is, i love punishing her, making her jealous. last weekend, we went out to a gay bar to hang out. she spotted a cute baby butch hanging out nearby and pointed her out to me. i agreed nonchalantly that the butch was cute.

later, the baby butch came over to us and started conversing with me. she was drunk but a harmless drunk. later, when dimples went to the bathroom, the butch introduced herself to me and asked, "so how long have you and your girl been together?" i smiled, liking the sound of "your girl," and i replied honestly: "it's been up and down for the past six months or so."

dimples came out of the bathroom, and the baby butch introduced herself to dimples. they both had to lean across me to speak to each other, and as they did so, one of the butch's hands came up on my back to give it a rub. later, when the butch left, she leaned over and kissed me on my neck.

dimples' eyes took it all in. when we were alone together again, she said accusingly, "that girl was all over you."

i enjoyed seeing the rise in dimples, but i replied modestly, "she was totally drunk. and you know she's not my type. maybe she was just trying to use me to get to you."

dimples didn't look like she believed it, but she put her hand on my thigh and started to rub. and somehow, i lost track of everything else.

dimples is hot. she is just so absolutely hot when she turns it on for me. she has this way of looking at me purposefully that makes me stammer and my heart skip a beat. all these months that we have been platonic and "just friends" hasn't done a single thing to dampen her effect on me or how i feel for her on any level.

and i can't trust what she tells me anymore. she told me it wasn't just a physical thing for her, and i know it's true: we both care for each other. and yet if i try to bring this up to her or if i create any kind of drama, i know what she'll say. she'll say, "abbagirl, you know i have a kid and all these other obligations, and i cannot promise anything to you. i thought you knew and understood all these limitations." it would all be my fault. me, me, me.

i should've stopped it, huh? i shouldn't have let it get back to this point. i should have firmly said, "we worked so hard to get to this point of pure friendship and we should not do anything that forsakes this friendship just because we're horny as hell for each other."

ugh.

i do not need this drama right now. i do not need to be thinking of her right now.

she was being aloof with me yesterday. so today, despite temptation, i haven't texted, called, or e-mailed her. and i'm going out of town for the weekend early tomorrow morning and will do my best not to contact her at all through the weekend, either.

if she wants to be aloof, fuck it -- i will give her all the space she wants. like, i know she's going through shit. but whenever we were "just friends" and she was going through shit, she never went cold turkey like this on me. when we're not "just friends" anymore, that whole aloofness comes back on.

wtf?!

fuck. okay, so where are my goddamned flashcards?

:-T

mischief managed and mismanaged

it took a while, but mischief managed. still don't know if i was purposely sabotaged, but goodness, so long as i can do what i'm supposed to do so that monday goes smoothly, i will just be eternally grateful for the goodness of the few people in the world i can turn to and trust -- even as badly as i do feel for putting them out.

i really can't wait for this project to be over -- and to be off the project. it has . . . made me doubt myself and caused a lot of stress to be placed on me and other people -- not just nutso but others at work who have come to be my friends and care enough about me to take pity on me.

:-T

it's just been an interesting, interesting week all around.

one of the more interesting things that happened, besides the crazy psycho drama created by nutso and the dyke manager in love with me, has to do with dimples.

dimples and i have been doing really well in regards to our friendship. she's the first ex-lover i've had with whom i've managed to remain not only on good terms with but become even more ultra-close with. she really is my best friend right now. we talk to each other, e-mail each other, text each other, and keep each other updated on our lives. we have been intimate with each other as much as we possibly can be without ever crossing the line back into physical attraction and intimacy.

i mean, for my part, i still do feel attracted to her. there have been quite a few times when, while talking with her, my eyes would inadvertently flit down over her body and check her out. and then i would force my eyes back to her face and curse myself and hope that i was not obvious in my attentions. despite this, i have learned to just ignore the attraction until it seemed to fade into the periphery. it got to the point where, really, i regarded her as just a friend.

and so it has been for the past three or four months.

so imagine my surprise to learn something new about my friendship with her this past week.

just when i thought there would be no new surprises, i got one.

i'd been having a weary, wary sort of day at work. i was mostly wary because of how dyke manager in love with me had not really been talking with me that day. in fact, she seemed to be totally ignoring me, and this was just unusual; whenever she was in the office, we were always joking and bantering with each other. so i spent most of the day complaining about it with dimples via e-mail.

finally, towards the end of the day, after making plans to meet after work for drinks dimples, in response to some message i sent to her, wrote to me:

i want to tell you something that might make you feel better but make me look silly, but don't want to send it by e-mail. are you near your cell phone?

i was in the middle of doing tasks and couldn't respond right away. but when i was able to settle down at my desk, i finally responded:

sorry for the delay, but yes, i am now here and near my phone. definitely could use some cheering up -- so send it! :)

a few minutes later, i received a text from her. and when i read her message, i was surprised. not extremely surprised, but surprised enough that my eyebrows shot straight up immediately.

her text said:

i was jealous when [dyke manager in love with me] asked you out to dinner. there! i said it! does that make me crazy?

i instantly shot off a reassuring text message to her. i kind of felt as if i were reassuring a girlfriend that i was true to her and only to her. but i dismissed the feeling and just hastened to say:

not even! are you kidding? [dyke manager in love with me] is older and wrinkly and totally not my type! i'd never go there! LOL!

i went for humor in my response, trying to quell the questions that began popping up in my head. dimples wrote back:

i know she is old and wrinkly but she was and is trying to put the moves on you, and it made me jealous. . . . and can i tell you something else?

i could feel my heart skipping every other beat now. but i responded:

but i would never! okay, what else??

and then dimples shot me this text which raised my eyebrows so much higher that they almost crashed through the ceiling:

i've been fantasing about you all the time. i'm sure you've been able to tell from the way i've been looking at you. maybe i shouldn't say this to you -- i don't want you to think i want to mess with your head after everything we've been through.

i started trying to respond but couldn't think of the right thing to say. so a few minutes later, she shot me another text:

i'm sorry! are you mad?? maybe i shouldn't have said anything. . . !!

and then i responded.

what do you think my response was?

sabotage

i was supposed to come in to work this weekend to finish up stuff.

i was the third to last person to leave the office yesterday. the last two people in the office are high above me on the food chain. i thought i made it pretty clear that not only did i want to come in, i had to come in. and i would be doing so for the sake of one of those two people, the ch!ef, so that he could have the finished version of the document over the weekend or at the very latest monday morning.

there are two doors to our suite in the building. the main door is usually always locked after hours. there is another door on the side that is not often used. when i need to come in on the weekend, i usually borrow a key from someone or make sure that side door is unlocked.

i put a sign on the side door before i left: "please leave unlocked."

i came in to work today. and i found the side door was locked. i was pissed and upset and frustrated.

what a waste of time, for one thing. i got better things to do than waste my time and my car's gas to go into town for nothing.

for another, . . .

i believe it is sabotage.

i'm pissed.

the decompression of nutso

what a crazy past couple of days.

just when you think everyone around you is absolutely out of their minds and more immature than the joovies that we oversee, you somehow stumble upon reasonability, and it just knocks you back to where you need to be and restores your faith in human sanity.

yesterday was a short day of work for me. i was allowed to go home early, before lunch. things were out of control and i was angry and upset about how things had gone down. feeling bad for me and probably sick of seeing me burst into tears for the third time already that day, my boss took pity on me and let me go home.

i went home, chilled, moped, etc. unfortunately wasn't able to get to bed at a reasonable hour and overslept in the morning.

despite oversleeping, i took my time in selecting an outfit for the day. ironing and putting on my clothes, i was thoughtful. regardless of what happened that day, i just wanted to make sure i at least looked good.

a respected manager was going to hold informal interviews. i was first, then nutso, and then all three of us together.

i don't want to get too immersed in the details. but my initial informal interview went okay. i was still wary and nervous about the three-some interview that we were going to have later on, my first face-to-face meeting with nutso in a long while, let alone regarding this incident. but the manager assuaged my fears confidently, quietly, and easily, and i decided i had to trust him on this. "by the end of the day, this will all be over," he said in his quiet assured way. and it was just hard not to believe him.

after lunch was when our threesome was held. i think i did a good job of describing in a reasonable manner my perceptions and experiences, despite my nerves. my emotions threatened to rise to the surface multiple times, but both nutso and the manager kindly allowed me to carry on and were patient.

i'm just sick of being upset at the drop of a hat. i just hate it.

nutso was emotional at times, too. but because she's a manager, she is also just better at managing her emotions better than me. i'm not sure she quite gets some of the things we were discussing and is stuck, in just a few areas, on her own perspectives. but i have to give her major props for being there and remaining receptive. when i talked about how one or two of our conversations often left me close to tears after i got done talking with her, a pained look would come over her face. but it was not until the end of the meeting when she finally learned that i hadn't been the one who narc'ed on her and that someone else of her own initiative had caused the hullabaloo all the way up the food chain.

while we were both able to discuss our perceptions, i think i broke her trust. no, i was not the one who tattled. but i still was one who didn't have the balls to tell her that i couldn't deal with her chaos. it also surprised her that the one three hour meeting that nearly drove me mad drove me as mad as it did. she told me, with her eyebrows aghast, that she had seen the meeting as a bonding moment and that she had thought we were getting along so well, especially since i was joking and laughing with her.

i wanted to tell her yeah, i had been -- intermittently, whenever i could wake myself up. but that the meeting, on the whole, had been agonizing, and that i had really been faking it at some parts. but i think that would have totally devastated her. and lowered my esteem in the other manager's eyes.

either way, it's just . . . over. we are still to work on the project together. i know it will be at least civil the rest of the way out. but i breached the trust. she will not view me as a trustworthy partner anymore. and i just feel really badly about that.

but that's a whole other issue. during my initial one-on-one meeting with the other manager, after asking me questions and to describe certain things, the manager sat back in his chair and gave me a diagnosis about myself.

he said i worked really hard and that my hard work has built me a good reputation. he said i am cheerful and smile a lot and that people feel comfortable with me. and he said that i am kind of a people-pleaser and that i never let people know where boundaries should be. this, in turn, causes me to lose control a lot because i shut up instead of communicate and, he said, "this is obviously not working for you." so he suggested that i start thinking of ways to avoid situations in which this happens, so that i am not always on the verge of crying or snapping back when i can't take crazy or annoying people anymore.

ai-ya . . . .

and so i am just worn out now.

tomorrow, the manager who tattled on nutso and brought all this chaos down on everyone's heads is back in the office.

i don't trust her anymore.

and i'm still very annoyed when i think about her role in this.

because she's so high up, i cannot say or do anything disrespectful.

and i have to remember that, even though i thought we were friends, i have to be a little more careful.

like, i know she caused the chaos because she was concerned about me and cared.

but i think she confused her roles as friend and manager.

and to me, now that i have had a couple of nights to sleep on it and experience it all and also see the effect that it's had on nutso, it all is just way too much for me. she interfered way too much. there were other ways of handling it. at the most, she should have just gone to the reasonable manager, who is also nutso's immediate boss, and have him resolve things quietly as he did today. how she did it was not the way to do it.

i didn't mention this before, but the chaos-causing manager tattled on nutso is actually the older lesbian whom dimples teases me for having a crush on me. . . .

:-T

i would not say she's crushing on me, per se. at the very least, she regards me quite, uh, affectionately.

and yet, in spite of/because of this, i still think she overstepped her bounds.

nutso in trouble

i had a rather harried day today at work.

yes, everything relates back to nutso. everything.

i guess it got to the point where everything i feel and think about her gets writ large upon my face and actions. i don't really need to say a word, and people will know that i'm wiggin' out and that things are a little over the top.

and okay, fine. i've been getting teary-eyed and red-eyed a lot lately, too.

:-T

i am not a cry-baby!! it's just that . . . these are trying times. i guess that's no excuse. but i seriously am not a cry-baby!

so a friend who is a manager tattled. she tattled on nutso about me to the ch!ef. the ch!ef immediately said he wanted me off the project. he was on my side, and he said that no one deserves to be treated like that. i told him that i would like to see the project through to the end; i think he is allowing me to remain on it. but he (or his designee) planned/plans to have a talk with nutso about things soon. whether that talk has happened yet, i have no clue. but i'm sure i'll find out soon enough tomorrow. . . .

i have mixed emotions about that. i understand that the manager friend who tattled just cares and that she wants to help alleviate the situation and that she doesn't like to see my cry-baby side sprout up so often.

but at the same time, i feel like it's total interference. i feel like maybe nutso will feel like i'm stabbing her in the back -- even though i was not the one who tattled. and i just don't like messy situations. i like to keep things cool and calm even if, on the inside, i'm seething and pissed.

but that's a whole other issue in and of itself. like, i was talking to a former co-worker/friend who told me something i already knew: it's one thing to keep complaining about something -- but if you're not going to do anything about it, you need to just shut up.

i don't have to re-read my recent entries about nutso. i know i've been over-the-top in ranting about her. there are a lot of negative emotions embedded in those words.

but while i feel terrible and not just a little guilty about things, well, there's just gotta be something wrong if a person ends up driving another to have those kinds of negative emotions in the first place.

and based on my conversations with the manager friend, there are certain things that have gotten validated for me -- i.e., i've been doing more managerial work than i ought to be, in addition to the regular staff work, my work with nutso has taken me away from my normal duties more than anticipated, and nutso's freak-outs are trying and difficult.

it's not just a matter of me being "too sensitive." i need to own this shit and stop being so doubtful and forgiving.

i don't even know if nutso knows all this went down . . . . she might have been told by now that she's been driving me crazy and to no longer have any personal contact with me again, except through e-mail. or she might not have been yet.

i really don't know at this point.

ever since i started working with her, i've taken to checking my work e-mail in the evening after each work-day.

but now i'm scared to. i'm scared to see if she's written me to vent at me or to play the pity game.

i think i just need to sleep on it and see how things unfold in the morning.

or maybe i should just call in sick.

:-T

going nuts because of nutso

this is one of those days that start out slow and in which most of the people you encounter become your mortal enemies for life for no reason other than the fact that they make their existence known to you.

the word "curmudgeon" is apt. i just love this word. each syllable, when snarled aloud, necessarily embodies total and utter disdain.

that is me today.

nutso called my cell today. yes, on a sunday. at 5 p.m., no less.

of course, i didn't answer. are you kidding me? i usually don't answer even when she calls me on my cell during normal work hours unless i know that i absolutely have to. but today of all days, aw hell no!

so i ignored the call and let it go to voice mail.

i think i kind of already knew why she was calling. i had already gone in to the office yesterday afternoon -- yes, a saturday afternoon -- to get some work done. didn't stay very long because my tasks were rather quickie ones. when i finished up my tasks, i sent them off to nutso via e-mail.

checking my work e-mail late last night, i saw that she had written me during the evening. essentially, she said, "thanks for coming in to work today. i didn't do any work today, but i appreciate your efforts. i'll get my part done tomorrow."

cool. fine. i'm glad she took the day off.

but seriously, could i have today off?

so yes, her phone message to me from today, at 5 p.m., was to see if i would be coming in to work today because she had finished her part, and it was my turn to address some tasks again. "maybe you can try to get to the office by 7 p.m," she said in her voice message.

aw, hell no! you've got to be joking!

so i've totally ignored her. i'll deal with whatever shit i have to do tomorrow. but i will NOT be coming in to the office when it's already well into the evening.

shithead!!

nutso, to me, is the perfect embodiment, if there is such a thing, of nails on a blackboard. just the thought of her, the sight of her, the appearance of her name on my cell phone's caller i.d., the mere mention of her makes me cringe. i seriously cannot take this lady anymore.

nutso!!

and yet there are things about her that i find fascinating.

she is a thin, frail-looking woman, and yet the skin of her cheeks droop and sag.

her nails are cut (bitten) short and look soft, and her cuticles are red from blood and scabby.

she has nervous mannerisms, and her hands flutter hopelessly at her chest when she is anxious.

and of course, her eyes get a manic look whenever she is feeling stressed (which is, like, all the friggin' time), and you can tell that even if she is looking at you directly in your eyes or casting her eyes out desperately in all directions, she is not seeing anything but the chaotic fears that run rampant in her mind.

i am telling you -- lady is nuts! these are not exaggerations. i wish to the heavens i were only exaggerating her attributes and mannerisms. no, this craziness is her, all to a "t." and she should be so lucky if i were only exaggerating. but no, i seriously am not.

luckily, after leaving me that one voice mail, she didn't go freaky on me and start trying to call me multiple times until i picked up. instead, it looks as if she's letting it all go and has only sent me two additional e-mails instead.

*sigh*

even her e-mails annoy me. they annoy the shit out of me. you'd think that the impersonal nature of e-mails would lessen the impact of the annoyance i feel whenever she writes to me. i mean, at least it allows me to interact with her from the safety and distance of my home and not have to engage directly with her.

but no, i'm still bothered. one of her e-mails to me this evening directs me to do what she is supposed to do as a manager. it's not something appropriate to my level. and it just makes me go, "are you fucking kidding me?"

i've actually brought up this issue with her before but in regards to another matter. she had tried to delegate something to me again, this time engaging with really high-level person. i was like, "no. you're the manager. you need to be the one doing that." and she took that well, actually. and actually, there was another episode before even that, in which she had tried to delegate something to me. i hadn't quite learned to be firm with her at that point and had only demurred the task. in accepting my demurred refusal, she phrased it as something like, "since you're not comfortable doing that, i'll just do it myself . . . ." and that had made me mad. it's not a matter of being comfortable or not. it's a matter of her cutting the hell out with this chicken-shit business of hiding behind doors or hiding at home (she's been frickin' working from home most of the past four weeks, which has made things even harder than they needed to be) or hiding behind me, her loaner staff.

lady, stop being a fucking chicken shit, snap out of your crazy delusions, and just grow a pair!

arrgh!!

*breathing heavily from the exertion caused by the fermenting emotions*

it should not be so hard. we are all professionals, are we not? we all have learned to build two demeanors -- one for interacting with others in the workplace and one that we save for only our families and loved ones to see. i'm usually quite good at maintaining the balance. but all this negativity that nutso has been stirring in me is really fucking up my balance. people like her should not be there in the work place. if she has a history of being this crazy, then she should have been out of here a long time ago. it's just that the rest of the people who work at my department are idiots, too. they don't document things, they don't reprimand, they don't nip things in the bud.

she makes almost $ 90,ooo per year. can you believe? and most of that income was earned by her all for doing nothing. absolutely nothing. oh, now, she's got this little project that i've been working with her on completing. but before that? nothing.

can you imagine being able to make almost $ 90,000 a year while doing nothing? what a sweet deal. . . .

:-T

i'm all for the consolidation of st@te dep@rtments for the sake of getting rid of unnecessary entities. i'm all for the laying off of the workforce for the sake of streamlining. but i don't think it should be done all based on the amount of years that one has had in st@te service. there are a lot of great supervisors and managers and other long-term employees of the st@te out there. but there are also a lot of such people who take advantage of the safety and security and benefits of their st@te jobs. those are the ones who have to go.

but that's not the way it works. i know that, if it came to having to lay off me or a long-time employee like nutso, i'd be the one who'd get jacked. frankly, i don't think that's right. i don't say that because i have a vested interest in my job and am being selfish. i say that from an objective standpoint based on who is the more effective and efficient worker.

but hell, maybe that's just me.

incest

one of, if not the, biggest indicator that one has gotten way too comfortable at one's work-place and should probably do one's utmost to find a life outside of work is when one begins to notice that the circle of work-place incest is drawing nearer and nearer.

"work-place incest," you say wonderingly. yes, you know what it means.

it means that you are spending way too much time at work and have even begun to take your work -- and your work friends -- home with you.

it is okay to bring one or two or three or even four work-place friends with you. but when it becomes a whole slew of people -- who aren't even within a normal age-range of you -- it's probably a major sign that you should take a step back. create some physical and psychological distance. and get a life outside of work.

i think i'm at that point right now. consumed by work. always at work, thinking of work, or interacting with work people. need to put a stop to all this nonsense!

and the incest issues are coming up in other ways, too.

as in, almost quite literally incest.

:-T

we all know about my little hook-up with dimples. she and i still are great friends. we've had a lot of ups and downs this past year or so, but through it all, we managed to get over all that and become the best of friends. we're going through a bit of a rough patch, i think -- again -- and i'll write about that later. but rough patch aside, this friendship of ours has really taken off and solidified pretty well.

dimples aside, as i've gone along with the flow at work, i've gotten to know and work with lots more other people.

what's nice is that i've learned just how gay friendly the people at work are. sure, you've got those who will say something every now and then. but for the most part, there are quite a few people at my office who are out, and while there may be issues about those people's work ethic and quality of work, just as for any other employee, the very fact of their gayness is never really remarked upon in a derogatory or disrespectful way.

these past few months, i've gotten to be pretty good friends with a few other co-workers who are dykes. they're higher up on the totem pole than me. and it's gotten to be quite interesting around the office. i've actually developed kind of a crush on one. she is about ten years older than me, but her face is quite youthful, and she has the most amazing body. lordy! she is physically active and is a prolific runner. her arms are so well-defined, i drool when she wears short-sleeved shirts. she gives off just the teensiest bit of a butch vibe.

dimples does not think she's all that, but i certainly disagree. i have to conscientiously make an effort to try not to check her out whenever i see her or talk with her, but i think i gave myself away yesterday. just remembering how my eyes glanced inappropriately over her yesterday afternoon makes me cringe and blush. and i know it was not lost on her. but hey, i couldn't help myself. i would totally date her -- if she didn't already have a girlfriend. still, there is usually a flirtatious thing going on between us. i feel like she goes out of her way to talk to me. she has this way of leaning forward and propping her arms up on my cube wall when she talks with me. totally inappropriate, but i kind of like it. :-T and she has this really pretty, open face. she and i talk a lot about running.

but no, i will not do anything inappropriate with her!! i don't do that whole create-drama-and-destruction in my wake kind of thing. that's not my style. remaining low-key and ethical -- that's what i do. couldn't live with myself otherwise.

interestingly enough, another lesbian in the office, who is over 20 years older than me, has developed a crush on me. or at least that is what dimples says. and based on my experience, whatever dimples perceives about other people, it's usually true. i like this older lady. if she were closer to my age, i might contemplate dating her. she is hilarious, and despite her comparatively high rank and the age difference, i consider her to be a friend. we get along so well, always laughing and joking and teasing each other. she is a total riot.

isn't this all so incestuous, though? it's bad enough that i spend most of my days and weekends at the office. but continually surrounding myself with work-related peeps is just as bad, too -- isn't it? and do not even get me started on the allegation, which i believe is actually true, that the woman i'm crushing on and the woman who is crushing on me have hooked up before. . . .

incest!!!

:-T

and sometimes i think my friendship with dimples is just . . . too close, too. to the point where it gets to be too much, even for her. lately, whenever i talk with her, even if the mood is light, i still sometimes catch little imperceptible shifts with her. it offends her when i call her on it and ask what's wrong. 'cause i know that something's wrong. like, we've been such great, amazing friends these past few months. and now, all of a sudden, we're back to having some kind of psychological barrier between us. and i don't think it's me who's changed or is changing. it's her. there's something about me or something that i say that she doesn't like. and on one hand, i feel like fuck it, i shouldn't have to change who i am or what i say just because she's senstive. but on the other hand, i don't like this feeling of losing her -- yet again. so i do try to be careful. i have to phrase things carefully or just wholly avoid certain topics altogether, just for the sake of keeping the mood light.

and yet just the acts of thinking all of this and writing it out make me feel guilty. i should not be thinking such things of her. she does have a lot going on, and she's ultra-busy, and she's ultra-accountable to many different things and people in her life. i usually just give her space until she's ready to come back. i guess i just wish i knew what was up.

all this just makes me feel like . . . i'm getting way too close to these peeps. i need room and space. i need to back away, take care of myself and my own things, and just be a little more balanced instead of letting any one thing take over my world completely.