(dra/trau)ma

the past week was the most trying week ever.

i was put in the middle of things. i became the bad guy. i was speculated about. harrassed. put upon. stressed out.

it's as if all the years and time and energy and effort that i've put into being there for others, into appearing to be straight, in making sure that everyone else was cared for and not stressed out or over-worked finally began to take its toll.

and this is not like other times when i've felt this kind of set-back. during previous times of set-backs, when all the world seemed to be caving in on me, i would still feel, after a time, that things would go back to normal; that the drama would recede; that i could again be who i needed to be so that everyone else could go on living their lives without stress, without knowing, without feeling that i have let them down.

i'm not feeling like that this time around. this time, i'm feeling like there is no going back whatsoever. that something rather monumental has occurred and that i am now on shaky, new ground.

and i don't know if i can do this. i don't know if i can move forward onto this unfamiliar territory without losing or breaking something of myself.

i wish the people who have gotten me down can understand how i am feeling right now. i don't see myself as "ms. right" -- that is, someone who has all the right answers all of the time. rather, i see myself as "ms. right there" -- as in, no matter what you want or need, i will be right there to help you every step of the way.

thanks to the recent events of the past week, though, my role seems to have changed. no one seems to want anything to do with me. it's a real downer, especially since i have done nothing wrong.

nothing.

i'm still down about it, though. while i could certainly have gone about things a little more differently, i still did not do anything completely wrong. nonetheless, i have now become the enemy. and yes, it does make me sad and stress me out to think about.

and then, at work, some other kinds of drama erupted, too. i am not ready to even write about that drama here on my blog. but yes, it might have something to do with a couple of others who have guessed that i am gay. and yes, this, in and of itself, stresses me out quite a bit, too. i have never envisioned having to come out at work. at all. it has never been in my plan because i have always believed it to be nobody's business but my own. but a couple of enemies have guessed, and they have begun to make life hard for me. you can be sure that i am not keen on going back to work this week. . . .

this is not just drama.

it's trauma.

:-T

today

was just as bad as, if not worse, than yesterday.

fried and frazzled.

today was a bad day.

unpredictably bad.

like, even those things that i could never, in a million years, ever anticipate occurring did end up occurring, and each episode from the day, which in and of themselves has the capacity to ruin a day, only got successively worse as the day wore on.

so the cumulative effect on me was overwhelming. i had to finish the work-day with a couple of beers when i got home.

what a day.

a flash

there was a flash, today, of what i've wanted to see in dimples' eyes.

it was a look containing mirth, affection, gratitude. it was a knowing, familiar look that shot straight through me to the core. it made me feel self-conscious and modest, and i had to shyly break my eyes from hers to look elsewhere. i didn't think i'd see that look again, let alone in front of other people.

and then, just as quickly as the magic appeared, it disappeared. the moment was lost, and things went back to normal.

creating imaginary fireworks

it bugs me. it really does.

i shouldn't care.

but i really want to know, for sure. . . .

is dimples out on a date right now? is she seeing someone right now and not even telling me about it?

or is this my hyper-active, unbelievably jealous imagination just going wild based on no evidence, tangible or intangible?

i'm wondering because i saw her before she went out to meet a friend. it was almost 11 p.m. she was freshly showered and smelled nice. she had re-done her hair and re-applied her make-up. she looked great.

who is she meeting? for whom is she putting forth this extra effort?

i really want to know.

i don't know if it is healthy for me to be in this situation. it's just been heinous.

today, since it was the last day of the work-week, was casual-dress day. so i totally dressed down. i wore my favorite citizens of humanity dark jeans and just a grey ribbed tank underneath a cropped white vest that hugged my torso. i generally never associate tank tops with casual dress days at work, but i've noticed a lot of people tend to wear tanks or sleeveless tops every day of the week anyway at the office, so i threw caution to the wind and did manage to get away with it. it's a tank, so it does expose a lot more skin than regular work-wear does. and i know i looked good. and dimples made a comment about it. she didn't use any flirty pick-up line or anything. but i did notice her check me out, and she also mentioned casually that a certain male co-worker of ours, whom we had just been laughing about, had probably been smitten with me because of what i was wearing.

nothing overt, nothing sexual, nothing flirtatious.

so i'm at the point right now where i'm just looking for signs to reinforce that we are supposed to be platonic friends. nothing more, nothing less -- ever.

she's rejected my physical overtures. she has made every indication that we are not going to be intimate again.

well, fine.

then stop giving me those looks.

stop leading me on.

stop being jealous when i bring up a certain female co-worker's name.

yes, there are one or two women at work -- who are out and proud -- whom she has tended to express jealousy of whenever we happen to talk about them.

one of the women, she has no reason to be jealous of whatsoever.

the other one, though . . . . if she didn't already have a girlfriend, i would definitely enjoy a chance to hang out with her and get to know her better outside the work-place.

there is just a certain chemistry between the both of us. we both are rather intuitive. she is older than me -- by 10, 15 years. but she doesn't look it. unless you are up close to her to see the kind, smiling wrinkles on her face, you'd think she was in her 30s. she's an athlete, an avid runner, and has a physique to match. the instant we met and started talking with each other, we bonded immediately. i'm attracted to her, and i know she is to me, too. the fireworks go off between us when we talk, even if we're just talking about running, the weather, or work. but i would never cross the line, since she already has a girlfriend -- who is pregnant to boot.

so i just enjoy the fireworks. and i know she does, too.

i've been totally honest with dimples about my fascination with this other woman. i know she gets jealous sometimes, and i have to admit that i get satisfaction from that; if she's going to be hurting me, then i don't mind returning the favor.

i dunno. . . .

the other night, fireworks texted me. it was 10:30 p.m. we texted for about an hour. good-natured, fun, innocent (sort of) texting. our texts were about events of the day, and we also made plans to have lunch early next week.

but i did feel a twinge. was it appropriate for her to be texting me so late? where was her girlfriend? her pregnant girlfriend? fireworks is a genuinely good person, and i find her fascinating and delightful. but sometimes when the fireworks fly, i get the distinct impression that, to her, her girlfriend is ultimately no barrier between her and me.

i don't know if i'm just flattering myself by saying that . . . . but that's my impression.

i haven't told that to dimples, though. while i often teasingly mention fireworks' name, or the name of the other woman who is in love with me, just to get a rise out of her, i haven't told her that last part about what i sense about fireworks. i don't want to create even more of a monster. . . .

either way, this can't be good. i'm at home now, wondering what is going on with dimples -- who she is seeing, what she is doing, for whom she got so dolled up for, what she expects to come from the evening.

i guess . . . i still want her to want me. like i still want her.



drama. it's all in my head. i know.

i will think different thoughts -- and they will come to pass.

jaded

things change fast. just when i start to resolve myself that things will be as they are and set in stone, things change -- yet again. and the change is enough to grab my attention once again.

i have been vague about the past week's drama, which has left me -- still -- feeling begrudging of humankind. it's not worth detailing. but the drama still remains. it remains because one of the persons involved know that i was not pleased. the person tried to make nice with me this morning, as soon as i got in. i didn't want any of it, though; once that line is crossed with me, there is no going back. i'm too honest. i can't just forgive and forget. i will remember the wrong-doing, and even if i know that i should play nice, i don't have it in me to fake it if i don't feel it.

and so it will be, unless anything changes.

i'm still feeling stretched thin between so many competing, differing interests, as i did a few weeks ago. but right now, it's like i'm not stretched so taut anymore. i'm just all gumbied out and stretched out of proportion, and my limbs aren't snapping back into place. i'm worn from it.

personal issues aside, things are picking up and changing at work, yet again. my role continues to evolve, but rather than be overwhelmed by it, i find myself interested in seeing what the next page will bring. never before in my life have i been so eager to take on bigger roles and responsibilities. i always eschewed them before because i never thought i was adult or mature enough. bigger roles and responsibilities go to those who are older and wiser.

well, i know better now. there is no such thing as wisdom coming merely because one is older. but what i do have now is experience and a sense of competency and familiarity. i'm ready.

so bring on what you will! i'm ready.

i'm still burnt out on people, though. if i had a month off, i'd use it to barricade myself from the world. i really could use a vacation. . . . maybe next month, on one of our furl0ugh friday/three-day weekends. . . . if i can afford it . . . .

regarding work

i'm in a really bad mood. i guess i seem to be in a bad mood a lot lately. but it appears to get worse each and every day.

i'm starting to be let down by people.

dimples has cheered up a lot. i know she's under a lot of stress, and while she's still stressed out, her demeanor has lightened up quite a bit. it's nice to see that positivity and cheerfulness come out of her. i hate to see her all down. . . .

other people, though. i am seriously getting sick of a lot of people i know -- at work, in my family, my friends. i can't stand them. 90% of all the people in the world are selfish, self-indulgent, judgmental, smug, and full of bullshit. what's sad is that this same 90% believe so fervently that they are anything but. they believe themselves to be pure, unjudging, and giving.

my ass.

and i can't take it! i can't deal with it. if there is such a thing as escape from civilization forever and always, i wish i would've been able to find it by now. i know it's great that i still have a job, and not only that, i have a job where everyone loves me and wants me to be a part of them. but where is that line between enjoying your job and co-workers and giving up your soul and biting your tongue just to maintain political correctness?

even though i am so good at playing the game, it does catch up with me. there are times when i really hate it, hate what i've become, hate that people expect me to continue to play at it, hate that they take me for granted; at the same time, they continue their own farce of lying, playing politics, playing me, using me, publishing all my personal business to the rest of the goddamn office.

are you kidding me? is there no sense of decency?

in my perfect world, in the work-place, people would be there for each other, be kind to each other, be honest with each other, and give each other space. there wouldn't be any nosying around in each other's business, interfering with other people's business, giving any smug, unwanted advice. the support staff would be there to do just that, support other staff; and the managers would do what they're supposed to do -- manage the work, not manage the personal lives of their staff.

i guess this post is my way of saying --

fuck the idiots. fuck the know-it-alls. fuck the posers who think they're the shit but don't really know shit. fuck those who pass judgment on me but don't bother looking in the mirror. and fuck those who whine and complain for only the sake of whining and complaining.

i'm sick of it. i'm over it. i'd like to move on to a new game -- a game of working to accomplish the greater good that we're supposed to be working towards and also a game of working together. peaceably. if not because we want to, then at least because we have to.

because it's our job.

getting the message

i'm sick of these anticipatory feelings i have towards dimples.

it's all her fault, though. i hope she feels guilty about it.

i have been pretty cool, for the past few months, with the notion that when she and i do hook up, it doesn't mean anything more than what it is. it is purely physical. she has needs, just like everyone else. and when these needs begin to rear their head, and if i am around, and if she has also had a drink or two under her belt, then she starts being physically affectionate with me. and one things leads to another and . . . .

that's just how it has been.

i have been fine with it, though. i let myself get attracted to other girls. i know dimples isn't going to be someone i will be in a long-term monogamous relationship with.

but it's weird now because . . . . i feel like a toy that has lost its luster.

the last couple of times that we have gone out drinking together, nothing has happened. she no longer starts feeling me up after having her second or third drink. she is completely platonic with me.

it is actually impacting my ego pretty directly.

and the last time we went out, i think a week or so ago, i threw caution to the wind and started trying to be affectionate with her. she let me kiss her neck and cheek, but when i moved over to her lips, she just gave me a polite peck on the lips and pulled away.

when she did that, i started keeping my distance.

but later on that night, when she was completely fucked up, she tried to persuade me to go to a strip club with her and said she would buy me my first ever lap dance. i tried to demur; i didn't want a lap dance. but, she said, slurring her words, "that would be so hot. that would turn me on to see another girl in your face. you will find it so hot. i want you to be so turned on and wet before we go home and i fuck you."

of course, when we got to the strip club, though, she had changed her mind. it was already 2 or 3 in the morning. she was about ready to pass out in my passenger seat. she was fucked up and almost conked out.

whatever, dude.

then yesterday, we made some impromptu plans. if she would find a sitter, we were going to steal out of town really quickly at night, to reno, hang out there, eat decadent food, play some craps, then steal back to town right around dawn.

of course, she couldn't find a sitter. she didn't start trying to find a sitter until after i had done what i could to finish all my important errands for the day and start trying to get ready to go. and then it came to pass that none of her usual potential sitters could help out. so we didn't go.

when she called me on the phone later to tell me why the plans had fallen through, she promised we would try to go to reno again some time in the future. and stay overnight there. and just when i thought she meant that it would be just her and me there -- with, of course, my mind going dirty -- she mentioned that it would be fun to invite a mutual friend of ours from work along with us.

and that's when i finally realized.

whatever.

but i guess this is what i get for being so damned passive. being passive, i let everyone take advantage of me. they feel me up, they fuck with my mind and body, they overwhelm my security. and just when i think i like being dominated in that way, they pull back and discard me, and i'm just left standing there going "wtf?! huh?! what did i do!"

so okay, i am now undesirable. then fuck you. i'm going to stop being around for you now. i'm going to stop going out of my way for you.

i'm going to stop caring.

punk.

you're welcome, a-hole.

it's been busy.  i've been involved with a lot of things and a lot of people, all while trying not to immerse myself too much.  i try to remain detach, regardless of how much i've got going on and how much people come to expect of me.  i guess it's my way of saying that, while i do such-and-such for them, i won't do anything more.

 

this has been my year of giving.  i've been giving a lot.  more than usual.  mostly, it's been time that i've given away.  but i've also given away quite a bit of money.  i think i could be weathering the furloughs better if i didn't have so many give-aways.  no – i know i could be weather the furloughs better.  but at the same time, i know what it's like to be poor.  to have nothing.  so when i see someone i know and care about struggling to make ends meet, i can't help but to step in and, if they let me, contribute whatever i can.

 

each time this has happened this year, though, i tell myself that it'll be the last time.  that i can't do anymore.  that i've given as much as i could and that i cannot possibly, whether i want to or not, give anymore.

 

but then something always happens to make this resolve go down the toilet.  and i find myself giving.  again.  and again.  and again.

 

the latest instance of this is one that really peeves me, though.  like, more than the previous instances.  because it is to someone really undeserving.  someone who takes gifts for granted.  i wouldn't do this if my mom hadn't asked me to.  but by doing this, i'm also helping my mom.  and as we know, i'd do anything for my mom.

 

and so it goes.

 

i think i'm starting to be a little more set in my ways.  i don't go out of my way to kiss ass anymore.  i'm likeable, yes.  and many people unequivocally find me charming.  but i don't try to like everyone anymore.

 

it's those people whom i do like or care about who are my downfall.  my weakness is in how much i care.  when you give freely, people take it for granted that it comes easy to you.  for instance, if i loan – or, rather, give – money, they tend to think that, because you give it so freely, that you must have plenty of it.  but i'll take some of the blame for that; silence makes me complicit, and i'm always silent about how resentful i otherwise feel about giving so much and so "freely."

 

but really, i can't do anymore.  dude.  when i realize just how much people take me for granted, that's when i start wanting to punch people's lights out.  like, right now, i have this fantasy in my head about telling off the person my mom asked me to help.  but i feel like i'm entitled to, if only because the person will be taking my money.  and the person, in return, is required to listen and not talk back or otherwise talk smack to me.  shut up and listen, or you won't get one red cent. 

 

ungrateful, selfish piece of shit.

 

*sigh* there is a lot of back-story to this.  much more than i want to give.  let's just say that i'm sick of giving to this person because she has a sense of entitlement that affects more than one person and that has reared up on more than one occasion (more like one hundred).

 

punk.

 

you're welcome.

 

>:-(