money woes

i am broke.

 

it's getting harder and harder to find ways to scrape money together at the end of each money.  there is only so much left that i can sell. . . .

 

it stresses me out.  it truly does.  i need to find a part-time job.  but opportunities that are suited to my abilities or work experience are so hard to find.  and i am not being picky, either; i am looking at anything and everything i could possibly do when i am not at my full-time job.  but a lot of the openings i've found have required work-hours during the regular work-day.  and that i just cannot do.

 

other than the chronic personal financial shortage, those with penises seem to be persistent in courting me.  i kinda want to just say, "homey don't play 'dat."  but that's difficult, what with me not being totally out and all.  and what's funny is that, even as they flirt with me and let me know, in their way, of their interest, they still ask me fairly directly if i am also into girls.

 

i wish i could be more of a slut.  i wish i could let myself be bought.  i wish i could let myself be taken care of.  lord knows, as time goes on, i could use that kind of help so that all my worries can be eased while also ensuring that the guys get what exactly what they want to pay for.  and i do also have to say that it feels good to have male attention and be able to hold it for an extended period of time.  but i find myself sardonically singing the chorus to lady gaga's "boys boys boys."

 

i don't know what's going on.  i am going through a weird phase where everything is falling apart and strange new happenings are befalling me.  i don't know quite what to do with them.

 

nor do i know what i'm searching for in this life.  every day, i find myself hoping for that moment of clarity when everything falls into place and i can see, in the grand scheme of things, the direction i'm supposed to be heading and all the things i need to accomplish.  but it's so hard to get that vision.  i don't know where i'm going, i don't know how i'm going to get there, i don't know who to trust along the journey and who to stay away from.

 

it's hard to make sense of things and find my path.