i had another spot-on session with my therapist yesterday. man, is she amazing. she catches on really quickly with how my mind operates, and the way she summarizes my issues and dilemmas are so insightful. for the first time ever, i really do feel that finally, there is someone in the world who sees right through me to who i am, how i operate, what my weaknesses are, and all my bad habits. but i also do feel that she sees my merits and good qualities, too. she is just so spectacular. she is the kind of person i would like to have as my friend and meet with on a regular basis, just to hang out and chit-chat with; she not only comes across as very easy to talk to and interested in what i have to say but also has the wisdom and insight i need to work through my issues. she is just so invaluable to me. there are no words for it.
i asked her why it was that there were so many boys hitting on me and not any girls. she said that i was marketing my goods to the wrong kinds of stores. she is so great at coming up with creative, spur-of-the-moment analogies. all of them are starting to crack me up the moment they issue from her mouth, and this one was no exception.
what there are also no words for is how annoyed i am by a lot of my co-workers. i am just so unforgiving. but i don't feel bad about it. i really do think a lot of the people i work with are power-grubbing, pretentious, self-centered, and selfish. and i am having quite a few opportunities to sell out and join the club. but i don't. i would love to have the same kind of high-level prestige that they do. but there has got to be better ways to come out on top than that. i don't need to sell my soul and values to get there.
i am still thinking about how broke i am. sure, i just got paid seven days ago. but all that money is already gone or about to be gone, based solely on bills and basic living expenses. in fact, i will be in the red quite soon unless i think of something. . . . i keep poring over craigslist ads in the hopes of finding a new opportunity. the only promising one i found is for part-time dish-washing at a new restaurant opening up across town; open walk-in interviews are being held next week – during office hours. but still, i'm going to ask for time off to apply.
i shouldn't say that's the only promising opening i've found, though. there is another: egg donations. $7,000. man. tempting. i know about the health risks associated with egg donations. and that's the only thing holding me back. but as more time passes, the better it looks. . . .
fuck. . . .
anyhow, my next session with my therapist is not for a couple of weeks. it makes me feel antsy to know that i am on my own until then. i get antsy each and every time in-between sessions. she's just the only one i can truly talk to about anything and everything. with everyone else in my life, there always must be a facade or some sort of compromise i have to make, just from being around them. in fact, my therapist was asking me yesterday if i could think of any person in my life with whom i didn't feel like i had to compromise so much of myself. i had to really think about it before i could answer. and my answer was no, i could not. she looked really concerned at my answer.
okay, i am really distracted right now. there is annoying pretentious cunt standing right behind me, talking to another co-worker. she is hella fucking loud, and before she started talking to the co-worker, she was giving me some disrespect which i find to be uncalled for. she is absolutely killing me right now; wish i could throttle her.
man. i am just frustrated. i am under-challenged and over-qualified for a job that does challenge me sometimes but can also be monotonous. i don't know what i'd rather be doing, but i know i should be grateful for the steadiness and security of the work, even if the governor wants to impose federal minimum wage on state workers.
good times.
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