abbagirl's eventful week

other things have been going on with me lately. putting together a post summarizing everything else that has transpired would require a lot out of me. so i've decided to post this letter i wrote to my therapist a couple of days ago; it sums up a bit of what i've been going through.

Dear Doc --

I did it. I came out to my sister last night, after my session with you.

Up until the moment when the words came out of my mouth, I didn’t want to be doing it. But I just did it anyway. The words “gay” and “lesbian” were not used. But she knew that’s what I was saying anyway. And she was really supportive. She said she wasn’t surprised and that she always kind of knew. But her initial reaction and surprise was pretty comical. I would’ve laughed if I didn’t start bawling immediately. And then I told her all about my relationship with my roommate – when it started, how it evolved, and most of the things that have transpired since I have known her. It felt weird to be talking about my roommate with her. But I needed to, and she was great about listening and taking my side.

This is . . . a pretty dark time for me. This morning, up until the moment I took my meds, I had some really panicky moments, and the panic was getting overwhelming. The idea of not seeing my roommate every day, spending time with her kid, of not being a part of their lives anymore, etc., hit me like a ton of bricks and feels so devastating. But after taking my dosage, I feel a little bit stronger. And especially knowing that I now have one other person, in addition to you, to whom I can turn to and be heard when I need to be heard, I do feel I can make it. My sister encouraged me to come over and hang out at her place whenever I need to. That means a lot to me . . . . And I told her I definitely will be taking her up on that offer a lot in the coming weeks.

Coming out to my sister was hard. But her response was so loving and protective that it was worth the risk. And she thinks my parents will be fine and supportive, too. I believe her, and yet I’m scared to fully believe it. I’m not there yet. . . . I do feel vulnerable from telling my sister because one part of the mask I’ve erected has been taken down, and there is a chink in the armor, now that someone in my inner circle knows. But I’m hoping that this feeling of vulnerability will translate into a source of strength when I need it, later on down the road.

I know I will get better. I know that, once I rebuild myself from the inside out, I’ll be able to find a path that lets me be more true to myself and where I can surround myself with good people whom I can count on. This is definitely not something I could ever have done on my own. I thank you so much. I really could not do this or have gotten as far as I have without you.