life in unorganized, haphazard upheaval

i'm worn out!

the job's kicking my ass, and i've been having trouble sleeping at night just thinking about having to go in to work yet again the following day.

i have some reading assignments to do that i have NOT yet gotten started on, plus a presentation to throw together by monday of next week. i've just been way too tired to read when i get home!

:-P

the governor's order to furlough state employees was upheld in court today, and thus i can expect to have a 10% cut in pay, starting with my february paycheck and, correspondingly, two unpaid days off from work, every other friday.

my boss has been ultra-crusty with me lately. i can't tell whether his crankiness is due to his current case of the sniffles -- or because the honeymoon period is over, he doesn't love me anymore, and i'm really starting to piss him off. . . .

in addition, one of the big cheeses -- a former criminal defense attorney is quite interested in seeing me pass the july 2009 bar exam, and he has purchased a bunch of materials for me. so i think i am going to be taking the bar exam again this summer. . . .

:-T

so much stuff going on -- i hardly know what to think sometimes. . . .

and did i mention there was petty drama at work?

:-T

it is the same instance of people who think they know how to write and think they're putting out the best product ever -- until i come along to tell them that i can't understand a run-on sentence that they've written or that they got some little factoid wrong or that they can't get away with using a sentence fragment.

like, sorry, but if there's anything i know for sure and am confident about, it's my mad skills in correct grammar and putting together effective syntax!

>:-|

i even had one of the people, whose writing i had edited, say (allegedly), "who the hell is abbagirl to tell me how and what to write!"

which i thought was pretty rude and fucked up to say -- even if i wasn't present when it was said.

:-T

the problem should be fixed now, though. i'm a virtual surrogate child to some of the higher-ups in the office, and one of them took it all the way up to the top of the food chain. and there it was affirmed that i had brought up some valid points; that the point of the whole exercise was to put forth an easily understandable and well-written document; and that it would be ridiculous for certain other people to refuse to take my suggestions.

it's just good to know that there are people who have my back.

*sigh*

:)

happy new year!

what's up with abbagirl?

where'd she go?

whatever became of her?

did she go off to grad school? or did she remain in the town of sac?

is that girl with the dimples still in abbagirl's life, or is she out of it for good?

in general, has she any regrets over what has transpired these past few weeks since the new calendar year started, or has she been able to make a nice clean break and nice clean start?

to this latter question, abbagirl is herself as yet still unsure.

she's still thinking about it all. but at the same time, she's leaning towards the belief that her destiny will unleash itself either way.

in the meantime, she has given her chihuahua a haircut, clipped the pooch's nails, and given her a warm, strawberry-scented bath. both she and her dog are ready for a new year to bring on brand new challenges.

to the happy new year --

:)

c.w. was right

have i been blind?

 

i have been so sure.  so smug.  just yesterday, i wrote here that dimples and i see eye-to-eye.

 

i've come to find today that i could not have been more wrong.  we haven't been seeing eye-to-eye at all.  i've been delusional.  i've only been seeing what i want to see.

 

c.w., you've proven to be right once more.

 

:-T

 

after i put up the post from yesterday, dimples and i conversed once more.  actually, "conversed" is not the right word; rather, she yelled at me.  she was mad at me.

 

it stunned me.  the vehemence behind her words and perhaps some truth to her words hit me like a ton of bricks.

 

but i accepted her words and mulled over them.  and then it hit me just how much i feel for her.

 

today, i brought her some iced coffee as a kind of peace offering.  she was cold and short with me.  it hurt me even more to see her like that than it had when she was yelling at me yesterday.

 

so it brought on a long note from me.  i spent about an hour writing the note to her.  i told her how i felt about everything, from the yelling she gave me yesterday to other things, like how i feel about her.

 

she responded after a long while.  and in it, she said some things that brought to light the truth of what c.w. has said to me before.

 

that dimples hadn't meant anything she had said or done with me.  i was just . . . there.  she had her fun, and the fun lost its luster.  and it just never meant anything to her.

 

something is just so damned wrong with me.  i feel like i'm falling in love haphazardly, like a horny dog that just goes around humping anything.

 

i am just so damned humiliated, embarrassed, and crushed right now.  i hate it when i lay myself on the line like this, only to be stomped on even more disdainfully.  my rationale when i lay myself out there is that the vulnerability is a sacrifice, a necessary one, for the sake of something greater and better than myself.  but in the end, i'm just left holding my wounds close to myself, hoping no one will ever find out, and hoping that she will forget my inane foolishness.

 

FUCK.  yes – i do feel like such a fool. . . .

 

she said, straight out, she doesn't feel the same way.  and that she thinks we shouldn't talk anymore.  i'm just having a hard time reconciling that with the things she has said and done in the past, the way she has looked at me.  but maybe that's just me trying to make sense out of something that is not ever going to make sense to me. . . .

 

my belief is that actions should match words.  if i truly care for someone, i will act upon it.  if i don't care for someone, i will run in the opposite direction and hide.  it is always staggering to me when i find out that someone i care for doesn't follow the same practice.

 

it sucks. . . .  you know, a lot of the significant conversations that dimples and i have had about our non-relationship relationship have mostly occurred over e-mail.  yes, we've had some conversations in person, but mostly it's just all correspondence.  so a part of me wants to challenge her to tell me everything in person, so i can see her and have her tell me face-to-face.

 

like, hell – even her e-mail is contradictory. . . .  one of the first sentences she wrote to me in her response was, "we need to talk."  but the second-to-last sentence is, "i don't think we should talk anymore."

 

wtf? 

 

again, another instance of contradiction.

 

but maybe i should take this for what it is.  closure.  of the most abrupt kind, of course, but closure nonetheless.  she really cannot be any clearer. . . .

 

hmmph.  one of the things she accused me of yesterday was over-analysis.  "you are so stuck inside your head," she said.  "'woe is me!'  you over-analyze things to death, but you know, you have it good.  while the rest of us worry about how to pay their bills and make their rent, there you are worrying about 1.) whether to go to grad school to get your damned doctorate or 2.) whether to stay at a job where you make bank!  yeah, i really feel bad for you!  nymph was right – you are spoiled –", etc.

 

etc., etc., etc.

 

i still feel kind of shell-shocked right now.  shell-shocked from the yelling yesterday, and then also by the events of today.

 

does anyone else want to kick me down and mash my face into the dirt? 

 

take a number.

the time is drawing nigh . . .

pressure.  i am feeling pressure from everyone.

 

i "should" do this – i "should" do that.

 

it's a tug of war.  each "should" i hear imposes a seductive pull.  as if smelling an attractive whiff of a parfumed scent, my head turns in the direction that the person wants my attention directed to.  and just as my eyes are about to glaze over and be completely drawn in, another "should" catches my intention instead and begins to pull me in another direction.

 

i am easy.  i am a ho'.  i am easily prompted and cajoled. 

 

i'm a sucker.

 

dimples doesn't like this part of me.  in her eyes, i knew i had a decision to make, and i procrastinated.  in her opinion, i should have made a decision by now, and all this waffling is just not cool.

 

yes, she is still in my life.  i wouldn't have it any other way.  she's my friend.  and she is also more than my friend.  we just have a unique understanding with each other that transcends words.

 

and yes, i might be in love with her, too.

 

hmmph.  my posts always end up, somehow, being all about her.  why is that?  this post was not intended to be about her.  it was intended to be all about this decision i have to make – this momentous, monumental, mega-life-changing decision.

 

and i made one.

 

i put in my two-week notice on monday.

 

and then i also unmade the decision slightly – by agreeing to think things through during the remaining time i have left here.  if i change my mind, everyone in management says, then i can do so, even at the last minute.  they are all happy about this opportunity i have.  but they also would like it if i chose to stay on. 

 

so many things have happened since i turned in my notice.  a lot of people are happy for me.  they want to talk, take me out to lunch, congratulate me, hug me, wish me well.  it makes me feel loved, and i feel the love for them in return.  i also learned more about what would happen if i stayed.  a lot of great, unique opportunities would open up for me here if i stayed. 

 

i told dimples today about a conversation i had with one of the big wigs just this morning about those opportunities.  she scoffed at me in disbelief and went off on me.  "you're just trying to find reasons to stay," she said.  "all these people say nice things to you, and you lose sight of everything.  if you want to stay, then stay.  if you want to go, then go.  but don't be swayed by all the sweet-nothings these people feed you.  of course, they want you to stay.  state workers are mediocre, and you are not mediocre.  so when they see you, of course, they're going to want you to stick around.  hell, you could take over the joint if you want.  i know you can do that!  but you need to make a decision and stick with it!  don't do what they want you to do – just do what you want to do!"

 

she was mad.  i always tend to make her mad.

 

and i think she's still mad at me.

 

:-T

speaking of, dimples and i came to an understanding yesterday.  and it re-connected us and put us on the same page once more.

 

i understand completely how she feels about me.

 

she and i are going to try to get away for the weekend.  i hope it works out; i've been looking forward to it since we started talking about it.  we just want to get out of town and be together at least once more before time and/or distance make it impossible.

 

in the meantime, i thought my boss would be supportive about the decision.  and he is.  but he also wants me to think about things.  and he was sad yesterday, and today he is crusty.  i feel bad; i'm the one who's been wishy-washy. . . .  but fuck, i can't help it.

 

i asked for friday off.  i just need to get away.  away from family, friends, work, and other influences.  if granted, i will use friday to be on my own away from all the noise.

 

these are the last days.

 

:-T