as of yesterday

terminal and unsettling

sick to my stomach again.

 

i take things like this pretty hard.

 

whereas i only thought things had changed between us yesterday and she didn't, today, the self-fulfilling prophecy has come true.  and things are now weird.  and changed.

 

it just makes me sick to my stomach.  it really does.

 

things are just superficial at this point: we see each other, we say hi.  that's it.  the usual banter is gone.

 

and i might even go so far as to say that she is taking pains to avoid me.

 

and that has never happened before.

 

at this point, i just feel resigned.

 

in the past, whenever we have these moments post-anger, post-emotions, post-trauma, she and i tend to write each other a lot of unsent e-mails.  we carefully and painstakingly craft letters addressed to the other, and i know a lot of emotions and thoughts go into them.  but they usually remain unsent.  for my part, i have done those countless times – putting all my thoughts into a letter that i try to word in an inoffensive yet caring manner.  and i would spend all day doing that.  but i would end up not sending them because the words would end up pulsating so strongly in my mind and heart that i would cave in and just call her, and we would just talk out loud about what we feel and what has been going on.  i only know that she goes through the same process because she has admitted to me as much as well.  like, yesterday, she admitted to me, out of the blue, that she had spent some time last week writing me a letter that she never sent.  it sounded like she had wanted to tell me off in that letter with things that, up to that point, i had done or said to aggravate her emotions.

 

i mean, i know.  i know, particularly and especially at this moment, that i am and have not been an angel up to this point.  i have not been a particularly good friend to her in a number of ways.  i mean, yes, i have in certain ways.  but not in other ways.

 

but today i have no words.  today, i have nothing in me with which to start crafting a letter to be sent or remain unsent to her.  it is all too much.  and again, i would be, as she has said i tend to do, making things all about me.

 

i am depressed.  clinically depressed.  very, very depressed.

 

i want to be at a point where i just don't care.  i don't want to care about her, about who she's with, about whether she is lying, about those valentine's day roses she got, about how she feels with me, about anything pertaining to her.

 

just when i think i have reached the lowest point and that things will make a turn for the better, i get knocked flat on my ass even harder and more painfully than before.

 

"move out – just move out."

 

why can't i?  why do i still want to remain?  why do i still let myself stay in this situation and get so beat down?

 

not cool. . . .

 

my stomach is so queasy.

 

i said so much yesterday that i shouldn't have.

 

honesty does come at a price.

tenuous

there are times when i wonder just how bad of a person i am.

i know that i can be pretty bad. but when someone else confirms and affirms what my own suspicions about myself are, then i have to give up and acknowledge that maybe i'm as bad as the person says.

i am just hugely stricken with guilt right now. i have felt, for quite some time now, that if i could just be honest and speak about what's been on my mind, i would feel better and that there would be this monumental shared understanding between us.

i don't know if i chose the wrong day, the wrong moment, or just made the wrong choice, period. but right now, it's not quite working out the way i had envisioned.

and i feel bad.

there is no monumental shared understanding.

i think i made things worse.

things have been civil since that conversation. not antagonistic, not angry. just quiet. and civil.

and i am just thinking that perhaps i am all those things and do all those things that she says i am and that i do.

but then what about me? doesn't my perspective have any validation whatsoever?

either way, i think everything is broken. her. me. and this relationship we have.

b r o k e n

we had lunch together today. she had called my work phone in the morning because she wasn't sure that i was at the office today. i had told her i would be back from my road-trip on monday, and i was -- but i ended up staying at my folks' house, not coming back to the house i share with her. the phone call seemed pleasant and somewhat polite. our usual light-hearted banter was present. but i wasn't feeling it, and i wasn't sure if she did, either.

out of the blue, i asked her if she had any lunch plans, and she said no. so we agreed to go out to lunch together. it's the first time in quite a while since we had lunch together.

we went to lunch, and the overall tone was the same. at least it felt that way to me. i felt that things were different between us. she had gone on a little road-trip to escape me, her family, others, and when she came back, she was a different person. she did not tell me where she went -- only that she had been able to do a lot of thinking and get clarity. when she had snapped at me on the phone, after getting back to town, i had hurt feelings. . . . but then i surmised that her defensiveness was due to her meeting her boyfriend out of town. and the hurt feelings exacerbated into the same old tired feelings of more hurt and heartbreak.

today at lunch, just knowing what i know and feeling how i do, things just didn't feel the same. i was being guarded, she was being guarded. there was a wedge. but lunch ended, and we went back to work, and i just remained feeling uneasy with so many things left unsaid.

i called her after a while had passed since our return from lunch. i had to ask her about what she thought our status of our relationship now was. i felt it had changed and wanted to openly talk about it; i was sick of stewing over things in my mind.

to my surprise, she said that she didn't feel like things had changed and that our interaction at lunch had been normal. in my mind, i asked how could the fact that she was now being so guarded mean that things were still normal. but didn't voice the question aloud.

i did talk about things from my perspective -- about being banned from the house. about why it bothered me that she would lie to me about seeing that guy. about feeling like the enemy because of how defensive and angry she got with me after her return from her trip. i don't think she was prepared to hear any of this. and i think, for the rest of the day, what i said upset her and has changed things a LOT. whereas before she was willing to just be guarded and not as open with me, i think she's now willing to do much more than that.

what the conversation illustrated for me is that we really don't see eye-to-eye on a lot of things. i think we intuit what the other is feeling quite well. we can tell when the other is feeling a strong emotion or when one is mad at the other, etc. but a real understanding of the emotions or thoughts we sense in each other or why we think/feel what we do is what is lacking.

it's perhaps true that this friendship/relationship/whatever was doomed from the start. there was something about us both that appealed to each other in the beginning, and it is what has led us both on this wild and crazy ride of a relationship. but maybe it was never meant to last very long at all. there are just too many uncontrollable emotions i have not been able to handle, and there were just too many impulses that she wasn't able to rein in herself. and this is just a bad combination. a bad combination for all.

i know i'm self-absorbed. i worry a lot. i do get lost in my own head. and whenever anything goes wrong, i tend to think it was all my fault. but today, i felt like i would be able to explain my side of things and have her understand and see, "oh, that's where abbagirl was coming from," and then we would move on from there.

but i forgot who i was dealing with. nothing is ever that simple, let alone seeing eye-to-eye as two co-equal parties. i'm the one who is always too this, too that. so yes, she got mad at me when i said certain things, even as i tried to be as diplomatic as possible.

not sure whether the anger has completely died. but she seems like she feels tired and defeated. and that's not good, either.

escape is not enough anymore

forced distance.

a long drive.

the crossing of two state lines.

and i still don't really ever stop thinking about her.

i had a dream last night about her seeing someone else.

the dream left me feeling hot and feverish.

this trip out of town . . . i don't know if it has done any good for me.

but i dread coming back tomorrow.

bad mood

all that time i've spent worrying, thinking about her, wondering where she is and how she is -- and then just as much time trying not to think about her, worry about her, and wonder how she is. and come to find out that, yet again, i am expending way too much effort and energy in her direction.

what the fuck, dude. what the fuck.

that first day that she went off, i called her a few times. i knew she was ignoring my calls, but i persisted and called her maybe four times during the span of twenty minutes on monday morning. as a last resort, i texted her, and she finally responded: "i need a mental break and will be back by wednesday."

fine.

i worried about her, though. i left her alone since that monday morning, but i worried about her. i know she has ultra-dark thoughts sometimes, and i knew that the drama that had arisen in her life was intense and harrowing, even for her. so i left her alone. but i had all these thoughts: was i one of the people whom she wanted to escape from? was she with him? was she actually having gleeful fun while i, and others, were worrying sick about her?

she had said she would be back today. i kind of expected and hoped that meant she would be back at work this morning. but she wasn't.

the anxiety level rose slightly more.

i called her at about 7 p.m. tonight. i had worked late. her phone went to voicemail. i didn't leave a message. i decided to head to my parents' house for the night; i have been staying there a lot these past two weeks.

twenty minutes later, when i had almost hit my parents, my phone rang. it vibrated in the unique pulse that i had assigned to her and only her. my heart jumped. i answered it immediately.

it was her. it felt good to hear her voice again.

it's crazy. it was so hard for me to go without even being able to talk to or text her these past few days. i have not actually seen her since sunday. so just now, remembering how i felt when i answered the phone and heard her voice, tears are welling up in my eyes. i had just been so damned worried.

the conversation we had at first was quiet and rather polite. i could tell from her carefully phrased words that she wasn't going to say where she'd been. but she said several times, "i haven't been able to just go and clear my mind like this in a long time. i feel so much better, and my head feels so much clearer. i had to do this, and i am glad i did."

i told her i was glad for her and that for sure, people do need to do those things. hell, i do that sort of thing every few months myself.

so things seemed good.

there came a point in the conversation when things didn't feel forced or too polite, and i just said quite honestly, "i'm so glad you're back. i was worried about you!"

i might have said something else, but nothing argumentative or what-not -- at least not from my perspective -- but she flared at me for being so concerned and just took it the wrong way.

she pretty much said that that was why she had to leave as abruptly as she did and for as long as she did. "all these people have expectations of me, and i knew coming back that i would have to deal with that. i knew i would have to deal with it from my mom, and i knew i would have to deal with it from you, and --" she was just totally going on the offensive. and i could tell that yes, my suspicions had been confirmed and that yes, i had been one of the people that she had been trying to escape from as well.

expectations. i ask you, what expectations does she fucking speak of? me? is she serious?

i have not asked a fucking thing from her. i have been nothing but be there for her. i am poor because i am now her roommate and sharing equal costs in shit. when she had fam over at the house, i got them some fucking take-out for dinner. i paid a full month's rent this month even though i have slept there only one or two nights thus far because she is having drama and her fam is over a lot, and she asked me not to be there. she and i went out clubbing last weekend, and we both got tipsy and she totally came on to me and i didn't go for it as i would've done in the past. she had her face turned up to me a few times and that look in her eye, and she was saying that she wanted to fuck me, but i did not go for it.

so what the fuck, huh? what expectations do you speak of? clearly i have none. not any good ones, anyway. i have no expectations of you whatsoever, roomie. only that you hurt me time and time again, even when i should know better.

and tonight you did it again. you have hurt me again tonight. you and your defensive anger and your accusations and how things are always about you you you.

fuck you, dude. fuck you.

i was fucking worried about you. for fuck's sake. because of you and your drama of the past couple of weeks, my whole fucking life has been turned upside-down. because of your conduct since that time you first decided you wanted to fuck me over a year ago and then proceeded to do so as well as fuck my whole life over since then, my whole life has been fucking turned upside down. and now, because you are back and acting all so la-di-dah, i am supposed to just go back and let your world be all about you and to hell with all the fucking feelings i have been dealing with since being constructively evicted from the house i have been paying rent to you for, i am just supposed to be okay.

huh. well, pardon me if i am just having trouble about that right now. pardon me if i just want to say FUCK YOU.

you know what? she is right. i do have all these expectations of her. and she is not blind. she knows exactly what's happening, why she does what she does and why i do what i do.

i care about her. so i do all these things -- be her roommate, get take-out for her family, hang around her kid, cook, wash dishes, fold her laundy -- because i care for her. i love her. i'm in love with her. every time i see dirty dishes in the sink that have been there by her, unwashed, and that are sometimes left in the sink like that overnight, and i start washing those dishes, i do it because i am anal, yes -- but also because i like taking care of her. i like doing all these little things for her and with her because i care.

and she ain't blind. she ain't no dumb ass. she fucking knows. and i know she knows because she will say something like she said last weekend when we were drunk: "i don't know why you and [her baby daddy] keep wanting to be with me. i'm so fucked up." and i have not even said anything to her. i have not said a damned word about how i feel or made any allusion to that aspect of our relationship whatsoever. i didn't say a damned thing. but she still knows.

so yes, i am really mad right now. i am really upset. my shrink says there is nothing wrong with the way i feel. that people can get over something like this in a month, a year, or maybe a few years. but there is nothing wrong with me feeling the attachment that i do for her. my roommate is just not the proper recipient for this attachment, my kind of attachment.

that conversation i just had with my roommate has absolutely destroyed me right now. it ended on a rather ambivalent note. there were moments when it could've ended on a really good note or a really bad note, but in the end, it was just ambivalence. there was a lot i wanted to say if i had the words and if i knew i wouldn't cry, but i knew i would cry and i couldn't find the words anyway, and so a lot of things that i was feeling were left unsaid. and she could tell, i am sure. we do know each other so well, after all. . . .

and i am hurt not just by the things that she said but also the implications of what she said, the things that were left unsaid but made so transparently clear.

but i am hearing in my head something that she said a couple of times tonight: "i can't be responsible for other people's feelings; i have to be responsible for my own."

honey, that's the only thing you've been responsible for this whole time. you have taken responsibility for no one but yourself this whole time. and very early on, you disavowed any responsibility for my feelings, and your conduct throughout our whole relationship has been the epitome of that. so why is this a new revelation for you? you think this is a new concept? are you kidding me? you must be kidding me.

whatever.

i then announced that i was taking a mental break myself this weekend. it's been in the works for a couple of weeks now. i will be visiting a friend and driving across a few state lines. she was happy to hear that i would be doing so. "good!" she said. but i glowered inside. i don't really want to go. i only intend to get away because of her. all my get-aways have been because of her. it really is hard to hear the person whom you are trying to get some distance from be really happy that you are going to be going away.

fuck her. fuck this drama. fuck 'em all.

thinking some worries out loud

she is gone.

 

for a couple of days, anyway.

 

it took five phone calls and a text message before she finally sent me a text saying that she was running away for a couple of days.

 

no, it wasn't anything that i did.

 

no, she has had drama that's been building up, drama having absolutely nothing to do with me.  and then it erupted really recently.  and she understandably needs time to get away and regroup.

 

it goes without saying: if i knew where she was right now, i would want to go to wherever she is and be there for her.

 

but then that sneaky suspicious side of me starts grousing.  because that guy she was/is/had been seeing is off work and on vacation for the next two weeks.  and she is not coming in to work the next couple of days herself. . . .

 

but that doesn't matter, right?  that shouldn't matter at all?  i just need to be glad she's okay.  i don't need to be hurt by the fact that she's not turning to me in her time of vulnerability nor by the possibility that she might be seeking solace in the arms of someone else right now.

 

right?

 

i can't really concentrate on work right now.  i'm worried about her.  i hope she's okay.  and i am trying to put all those sneaky suspicions aside.  as her friend, i just need to give her time, as she would for me, and just wait for her to come back to me.