minor road-trip set-back . . . .

oh no!!

my mom has talked of inviting herself on my road-trip -- again.

O_O

no, mom, no!

the rational part of me wants to give in to her -- if only because i wouldn't mind having a bit of help in paying for travel and hotel costs and food and such. for me, these costs would hurt me in the wallet; for her, these costs would not be so bad.

not that she's rich. she's not. but she does have enough money to be comfortable.

and don't get me wrong: my momma makes for a good road-trip buddy. we've gone on a few road-trips with just the two of us a number of times before, and i've always had a great tiome. it offers us a chance to bond (as well as a chance for me to learn to exercise patience when she's being difficult :-P), and it is always fun when it is just the two of us against the world.

at the same time . . . .

nooo!!!

i'd still rather be alone. i'd rather not have to worry about anyone other than myself. this is my journey that i have to take alone.

and it just does not cross her mind that she is often one of the people i wish to escape at times.

that's what has been a major bummer about returning to my hometown after i finished school. the familial expectations i escaped years ago came back and latched themselves to my shoulders once more, as if nothing had ever changed. and i have resorted once more to being the goody-goody who began taking those expectations seriously once more.

i can't have that!

and seriously, the whole point of this trip is to be all alone and cope when i find out my bar exam results. how can i cope with my momma still within arm's length as i'm looking on the calbar website for my name?

but if i tell her "no," she will be all affronted and give me the "well, fine then!" attitude, and then start pretending that it is no big deal even while making it clear that she is offended.

**sigh**

but good golly gum-drops, it would be nice to have some help defraying the hotel costs. in fact, i've been contemplating staying at hostels, even though they can be really grody, disgusting experiences. seriously, any time you have to live in a communal situation, you can expect people to be at their most disgusting.

and yes, i speak from experience.

but my mom is already talking as if "we" are going on a trip together. i think she may have even asked for the extra time off from work already, too . . . .

**sigh**

ya'll know i love my momma. i rave about her all the time.

but this will not do!

i must try to connive her into changing her mind! i just want to be able to have free rein to engage in any kind of bar-exam freak-out that i want when the need strikes. i love doing things with my momma, don't get me wrong. but one thing i don't want to do with her at all is cope with the idea of failing -- and watching her cope with that idea, too.

i swear i usually have more confidence in myself when it comes to other things! but with something like the bar, you just cannot hang on to false hope. i just need to mentally prepare myself to be okay with failing.

but i'm also clinging to the tiny hope that in just under 17 days, i'll be able to actually post some good news on here about it.

:)

here's hopin'.

full of shit (where "shit" = myself)

the morning has been crazy!

right now, i kinda feel as if i'm in the middle of the rainforest and unable to find a clear path to walk on that will lead me out of the chaos and back into civilization. still, i am determinedly hacking away at the underbrush with my machete, clearing all the debris away and forging my own path that i know will ultimately lead me out of the craziness.

so despite it all, at least i feel that the fate of the day is in my hands and not left up to random chance. :)

and it's a good thing i've been kept pretty busy all day thus far today. it's already a quarter to one! half the day is already gone! yay!

my uncle has been trying to get a-hold of me for the past few days. i finally just talked to him about an hour ago. he really wants me to apply for this one particular attorney gig, even though bar results haven't come out yet. "apply," he says, "and let me know when you've submitted your application. then i can give them a call."

O_O

sometimes i'm astounded by how much leverage he has -- in all the right places.

he's pulled a bunch of strings for me before, and because of him, i've had lots of opportunities to meet local politicians and party it up at fund-raisers and campaign events and stuff. he's an awesome dude, and that's why he is so well-placed and still well-liked even after years of having been out of the political arena. like the rest of my family on my maternal side, he's just a great dude -- brash and honest and just totally hilarious. he's got some strong opinions and doesn't hesitate to share them. and on a personal level, he's done so much for me and is always on the look-out for new opportunities for me. he's easily my favorite uncle.

just like i'm easily the favorite niece of all for him and all my other aunts and uncles. :) seriously, they all treat me as if i were their own kid. and i know none of my other cousins gets the same kind of treatment from aunts and uncles. it's fucking awesome and a damned privilege. i totally try to respect this and not take it for granted.

i think my family is strange like that. there are so many strong personalities, and as a result, people from one familial subset won't necessarily get along with people from another familial subset. certain people just don't like compromising their personalities, quirks, and/or opinions and so rather than do so, they just avoid anything more personal than a "howdy-do."

fortunately, i'm nothing like that. i take after my momma in this respect; we can get along with anyone. in fact, we're the type of people who can make friends with total strangers. because of this, i can actually negotiate my way into each familial subset within my family tree without nary a qualm. i don't see anyone else in my family, both within my family nucleus and among familial relations, being able to do so -- nor even having the desire to do that.

it makes me wonder why. don't they want to be on good terms with anyone else besides their immediate family? we're all blood, you know!

oh, wait -- it just hit me why. it's an asian thing, i think. but each family subset is in competition with each other, each wanting their kids to be the best and most successful. so this carries on into how they interact with each other, with outside relations. now that i think about it, i think i am the one who is cut the most slack and is treated most favorably by everyone. i'm the first of my particular generation within the family to have finished one, let alone two, advanced degrees. and now that i think about it, i think all the aunts and uncles have lavished accolades on me to their kids -- while also instigating them to try to surpass me in achievements. . . .

and it is easy for the cuzzes to do this if they become doctors or whatever.

as everyone in the world knows by now, having doctor kids is every stereotypical asian family's dream.

and in regards to this particular stereotype, my fam ain't no exception.

silly people. don't they know that family members should love each other no matter what?

still, i'm the only one who can navigate through the murky waters and have genuine and positive interactions with all the families, despite the fact that each of them generally tend to prefer to keep on their own island. they stll willingly let me enter their domain whenever i want.

it's at such times that i like being me. i do have an inordinate amount of pride and tend to be a bit self-absorbed. but i haven't got so much pride that i cannot appreciate the personalities and unique proclivities in other people.

yes, i'm a strange, moody chick sometimes. i prefer books to people because i prefer fictional drama, not real-life drama. and i am full of myself sometimes (or a lot of the time, depending on how you see it), despite my insecurities and occasional indecisiveness about what i really believe. and one of my favorite pasttimes of all time is talking shit about people -- even though i know i should know better and should stop partaking of such a heinous activity.

nonetheless . . .

i do think the world would be a better place if everyone was just like me.

my blogging personality

unusual, am i?

Your Blogging Type is Unique and Avant Garde

You're a bit . . . unusual. And so is your blog. You're impulsive, and you'll often post the first thing that pops in your head. Completely uncensored, you blog tends to shock . . . even though that's not your intent. You tend to change your blog often, experimenting with new designs and content.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

i enjoy being a girl

it's that time of the month, damn it!

yup, that time, when i get completely bloated and even eating a single salty, crunch snack pretzel can get me totally fat. this is the worst time of the month for any girl. we get irritable, we get pains, we get tired, and the only thing that makes us sane is having quiet moments of being cramp-free after the advil finally kicks in and/or eating thick, warm, fudge brownies.

i am the first to admit that i may have weight issues. i think others would say that i am fairly slender, and on some days i would agree. but then there are days --like today, when i'm about to get on the rag -- when i feel pretty fat. and i am hard on myself when i think i'm fat. it's not that i think i'm fat fat, but it's just because i used to be really skinny. like, when i was 21, even a size 0 was a bit too big for me. now, i'm about a 0-2 -- a 2 when i'm bloated, and a 0 when i'm normal. you'd think that i'd be content with being a 0-2. sometimes i am. but sometimes i'm not. i just keep thinking to myself, "girl, you used to be a size sub-zero! you can still go back to that, if you just controlled yourself more!"

realistically, i know that i cannot go back to a size sub-zero. it's impossible. my hips have widened a bit since i was 21. so even if i get my waist to shrink, my hipbones would still be stickin' out. but that nagging self-doubter in the back of my mind doesn't listen to reason. it has a part of me continually striving to be like i used to be.

the girls i am attracted to, though, run the gamut of being slender and lithe to beautifully curvaceous. when it comes to girls in general, i certainly don't discriminate. :) what can be said for each of the girls i've really been in love with is that they have all been extremely sharp, smart girls. brainiacs are unbelievably hot to me.

why the hell am i even rambling on about this?

oh! i was thinking about why it sometimes sucks being a girl.

it's bad enough we have to put up with bad pick-up lines and being objectified and have to deal with ogling on a daily basis. we also have to put up with ever-changing cultural ideals of what a good, attractive, beautiful girl should be and, if we want to be "in the game," strive to adhere to these ideals. we are all-too-aware that, because image is everything, that we have to do what we can to ensure that the first impressions we convey are good first impressions, and we are resigned to the fact that making a good first impression is all about maintaining superficial beauty first and foremost, and character and personality be damned -- at least until later.

in the man's world, which most of the world is, a good first impression depends simultaneously on how fuckable a girl looks and whether she would also be a good team player who goes along with what the master wants.

in a woman's world, it's different; making a good first impression is all about looking prim and proper and putting a tamper down on sexuality and also about seeing whether a girl can be a good ally or not. and that's just as bad, if you ask me. like, working for a powerful woman is great if you can be her ally, but a woman in power can be jealous and territorial of the scope of her powers, so if it ever looks like you might be a threat to her power, watch out! she won't hesitate to bust out and get all war-like on your ass.

either way, whether in a man's world or in a woman's world, as a girl, i feel like i always have to play the game of meshing my personality with those of others -- like, they are the hand, and i am the glove, and i just wrap my personality around them, tentatively yet purposefully, with a few hits and misses here and there of course, until i get the glove to fit.

so to speak. :)

obviously, i am very good at it, otherwise i wouldn't be able to get along so well with so many different kinds of people. the thing is, though, that i don't do it for the sake of personal gain or to get ahead in this game of life. i'm not like that. but i do it as a way to protect myself and make sure i remain on good terms with everyone. if i get everyone to genuinely like me, they will never seek to do me harm, right?

i know -- sounds naive. but so far, it hasn't back-fired on me. at least not badly enough to get me to alter my game-plan.

and despite being anti-humanity in general, people do interest me. everyone has a story, a history, and interesting quirks and interests, so getting to know people and finding out their back-stories is definitely a great thing for me to indulge in.

but it can be a bit too much. like, sometimes i'd much rather expend my energy doing other things rather than put up facades for people, ya know?

i think it's a girl thing to always have to put up pleasant facades. but i could be wrong. still, at times like these, it just gets my goat to not only always have to be a girl with a malleable personality but also have to endure the damned "curse" every month. like, seriously. i'm a good person overall, and i do my best to do the right things every day. i can handle most things that come my way; service with a smile -- isn't that the saying? so don't get me wrong -- i can deal with the other burdens that are entailed with being a girl -- and i can also freakin' enjoy myself while i'm at it as well.

like, i can admit that i derive satisfaction from having doors opened for me and having drinks bought for me and having people make fools of themselves merely because they think i am cute and that they have a chance of scoring with me.

seriously, face it -- being a girl has its inherent, enjoyable perks.

but getting my period? it's the straw that breaks the camel's back. it's too much!

why? why?? *shaking fist at sky*

maybe women are the cursed half of humanity as the early christians thought. like, why else make them endure the same damned bleeding 84 days out of the year for most of their lives?

curses! curses!

i guess i'm not making sense at all. which is probably a good sign that i am majorly p.m.s.-ing right now.

dammit!

but whatev. thank the gods for concealer. i've temporarily erased the dark circles under my eyes and the two small zits that have popped up out of nowhere onto my chin.

pink lip gloss/plumper? check.

paula dorff make-up? check.

i've got my mask on. i can face the world and keep my womanly woes hidden, just like i've always done and as every other girl who's ever lived has had to do.

a conservative

"a conservative"
by charlotte perkins s. gilman

THE garden beds I wandered by
One bright and cheerful morn,
When I found a new-fledged butterfly,
A-sitting on a thorn,
A black and crimson butterfly
All doleful and forlorn.

I thought that life could have no sting
To infant butterflies,
So I gazed on this unhappy thing
With wonder and surprise.
While sadly with his waving wing
He wiped his weeping eyes.

Said I, "What can the matter be?
Why weepest thou so sore?
With garden fair and sunlight free
And flowers in goodly store,"—
But he only turned away from me
And burst into a roar.

Cried he, "My legs are thin and few
Where once I had a swarm!
Soft fuzzy fur—a joy to view—
Once kept my body warm,
Before these flapping wing-things grew,
To hamper and deform!"

At that outrageous bug I shot
The fury of mine eye;
Said I, in scorn all burning hot,
In rage and anger high,
"You ignominious idiot!
Those wings are made to fly!"

"I do not want to fly," said he,
"I only want to squirm!"
And he drooped his wings dejectedly,
But still his voice was firm:
"I do not want to be a fly!
I want to be a worm!"

O yesterday of unknown lack
To-day of unknown bliss!
I left my fool in red and black;
The last I saw was this,—
The creature madly climbing back
Into his chrysalis.

this poem cracks me up.

mission: accomplished

'tis done.

the goal i set for myself in my last post has been completed.

why does it have to be so hard? in all reasonableness, it shouldn't be that hard. and really, my number two boss was so great and understanding and gracious about it.

but still.

every time i have to quit my job, which i have done three times in the past two years, even when leaving a bad situation, it is a hard thing to do.

i feel like i am disappointing them.

i'm big on confucist principles -- unfortunately.

hierarchy is everything, as well as maintaining reciprocal roles. not only does this mean that i enthusiastically adore dom/sub role-playing . . . .

;)

. . . but in day-to-day life, it just also means the world to me to have my higher-ups approve of what i do.

i actually don't know of anyone who takes confucist roles, ideals, and relationships as seriously as i do. i'm quite proper in this respect, i think. confucius saw inequality in all relationships and he determined that this inequality was inherent and natural. it was thus his opinion that relationships should naturally reflect this inequality. in his philosophy, there are four ideal relationships, and if i remember them correctly, they are as follows: parent-child, elder-younger, older brother-younger brother, and . . .
something else. . . . i forget. . . .

but anyhow, in a single relationship between two people, one is considered to be more entitled to respect than the other, and this could be because of age, experience, lineage, prestige, etc. in all my relationships, whether professional, personal, familial, or whatever, for some reason, i have always tended to hold myself out as being the lesser person in the relationship while holding the other in greater esteem than me. as a result, i often feel like i should be doing more to make the other person happy, as if it were in my power to create that happiness.

well, we all can do more to make everyone important to us happy, can't we?

and so that is why i feel like, in regards to my current bosses, i have not quite held up my end of the bargain and that, just as i am starting to fulfill my obligations to them, i have gone and left them in the lurch.

i shouldn't feel this way. after all, i'm only a temporary employee!! by the very nature of my job, it wasn't meant to be permanent! and number two did express sorry that i was leaving. "you have really done a great job with your position," she said, "everyone keeps telling me how fast and good you are."

why, thanks!

sure, it's a no-brainer job. but hey, words of praise and encouragement never hurt anyone. :)

and really, it only goes to show how great the people are over here. if i didn't have other plans or my particular background, i may consider staying on just based on the personalities of my bosses alone. they're nice peeps.

but 'tis done. my last day is friday, november 9th.

mission accomplished.

here's to me whippin' myself into action --

goal for tomorrow

by this time tomorrow, i hope i will have gotten the nerve up to turn in my two week's notice and thus be free of employment. this should give me ample freedom to hug a bottle of vodka reassuringly to myself whenever i want in anticipation of getting the bar exam results.

unemployment! freedom! yay!

i just learnt last friday that the third temp girl who started working at this office after me (i was the second temp who came over) is being let go because a permanent employee has just been hired and will start at our office in a few weeks. i was shocked when i heard that she was being sent back to the temp agency (and of course, i was the last one in the office to know), especially because i've been quite candid with management about my intent to leave the office right around the time bar results are released. like, why send her back, and not me since i'm leaving anyway?

and so, i've decided what the hell. it's time for me to quit.

the timing of this actually works out for me: wouldn't it be better for the office if i were gone instead and just have the third temp girl take my place? that way, she could stay on and not have to go to a strange new office and get used to a different group of people. and the office, too, would benefit because they wouldn't necessarily have to start from scratch in teaching the girl the nuances of my job (even though it's a purely rubber-stamping job, there are still nuances to my job -- there really are!!)

i'm not sure whether the bosses would ask the girl to stay, but i've already talked about it on the down-low with her. her last day of work is scheduled to be friday, november 2. i asked her if she was interested in staying on longer with this office and in taking my position. i told her that if she was interested, i could totally work it for her with what limited power i have over management. the girl said it was all good either way because she's been trying to find a permanent position herself elsewhere within the system, and although she would prefer a position at another office located closer to her house, she also wouldn't mind staying on at this particular office, either.

she also said that she wouldn't be surprised if management did offer her a chance to take my position. if they did offer it to her, she said she'd consider it but wouldn't automatically accept it per se.

she's a good girl. good head on her shoulders. i'm sure things will work out for her either way.

in any case, tomorrow i'll hand in my notice, which is never an easy thing for me to do. not to sound all big-headed, but my bosses and co-workers always tend to love me -- and it sucks to have to disappoint the people who love me and have such faith in me. . . .

so . . . wish me luck.

"this is a battle for democracy"

former pakistani prime minister benazir bhutto
ppp chairperson
october 20, 2007

a stirring speech on unity, democracy, and the need to support peace after the attack on her life as she returned home to karachi. two blasts by suicide bombers during her home-coming parade killed 138 people and injured 300 others.

dreading the bar results -- again

i am so out of it today.

i'm in a rather cloudy, befuddled state. and tired. i'm ready to go home now -- but must try to hold out for at least another hour at this point.

time is simultaneously too fast and too slow. waiting for bar results come out has taken way too long. i'm anxious about it, and my anxiety grows even more every day. at the same time, i don't want to know at all. i know i failed it. and i don't want to have to take the damned thing again. it will be another four months of unemployment and study-time, then another three or four months of waiting for those results to come out . . . . and career-wise, it just means i remain in limbo.

when i look back on it right now, i feel like i only just took the bar exam recently. just yesterday, it seems, the weather was still sunny and warm, and the brilliant warmth of the summer's day offered a great relief to the otherwise freezing, stony coldness of the bar exam room.

my summer was so short. i only really began enjoying the season that last week in july. . . .

but it's now been three months. the hour of reckoning draws ever so near.

have i wasted my time away these past three months? looking back, i feel as if i have.

here i am, in an office cube, working as rubber-stamper. i finished my bachelors, law school, and my masters degree within the span of seven continuous years. and what have i to show for it right now?

a fear of taking on a new career. and ink-stained hands.

i think i do have a fear of taking on a new career. i used to think it was just a figment of my inability to commit to any one thing for a long period of time. but now that i think about it some more, the more i see that it really is a fear of starting a damned career. getting into a career means the end of youth. the end of fun. you're in a job with the sole purpose of being in it for the long haul. that is it for the long-term -- and you can expect to still be there two, five, ten years down the line. and being in a stable job for that long means that you will soon have to be thinking about other kinds of commitments -- buying a house, buying new cars.

i can't do that. i don't think anyone should have to do that -- unless they want to or are ready to.

i don't think i'll ever be ready for that stuff. i cannot conceive of having to settle in one place for one good long chunk of time. i like being able to pick up and leave at a moment's notice. sure, i like having a central familiar home-base, the place i can return to for reassurance when the going gets tough. but at the same time, i like being carefree.

abbagirl likes dancing to the beat of her own drum. even if the beat is one of disco inferno and is out of sync with everyone else's.

and maybe that's why i dread the bar results. whether i pass or fail, the next half-year or so, at least, will be spent dancing to the beat of someone else's drum.

there's a reason why i feel this way, despite my applications to grad. school. . . .

ugh! i should snap out of this! i should feel like my whole life is wide open because of all the choices i have available to me. and i do feel this way . . . .

but i also feel trapped and claustrophobic, as if things are already set in motion; and that the paths that lay before me that feel like choices are actually illusions and that i will end up going down a predetermined route that will not necessarily leave me feeling happy nor fulfilled.

or maybe i'm just thinking too much . . . . and this flu has really fucked up my thinking . . . .

random news

artist implants third ear into his arm -- the daily mail

more than 16 percent of vietnamese adults obese -- thanh nhien daily

really??

another illicit foreign marriage brokerage ring busted in hcmc -- thanh nhien daily

model truc diem to attend miss earth 2007 -- vietnam net

this is her:

i don't think she's that pretty. . . . is it just me?

swearing in office boosts team spirit -- the times of india

wow. i should consider trying to "boost" my office morale more often.

nostalgia

britney and michael look great in this vid. check out bit-bit's legs and the way she struts across the stage!

i remember i loved this song when it first came out in 1987. i was but a wee little abbagirl in those days -- and more of a m.j. fan than an abba fan.

"the way you make me feel" (live) -- michael jackson, britney spears

a letter to remain unsent and un-delivered

dear j. --

i am writing this letter because i was thinking about you today, and just wanted you to know that . . . .

i am pissed as hell at you.

it is almost a whole year now since we last spoke. for me, it has been a long-assed year. i wish i could tell you all about it. i know we'd have a few laughs over some of the crap in my life, and i'm also itching to know how your life is going.

i also wish i could tell you that i miss you and that i still love you very much.

the only hurdle to all of this? you being a completely stubborn fucking bitch.

i cannot believe that you would just let our friendship die the way it has. you were and are my dearest friend. i would give absolutely anything for us to be friends again. you are still always in the back of my mind. i wonder what you would think if you knew what i've been up to. it is only to you that i would confess such stuff. no one else would understand -- but you and i would have an absolute riot!

the last time i saw you was that one night, when we both ended up under the influence of, er, something or other. and we got totally fucked up on that and booze. your b.f., t., was there as well as your other good friend, w., a weird dude whom you had guilt-tripped me into going on a few dates with years ago. it was a fanfuckingtastic time -- although as you know, i'm not too crazy about t. damned cocky jocks. i always hated it when he would tag along on what otherwise should have been girls' nights out. when i came to visit you in the beehive state, it was to see you, and not you and him. he always put a damper on things, i thought, and of course, we couldn't be as candid. he was always so protective of you and jealous of other guys who wanted to hang out with you and be your friend. you told me he actually liked me and "approved" of us hanging out together. . . and that when we went out, he trusted me to look out for you as you do for me. . . .

but to tell the truth, i think he was also always pretty jealous of me, too. . . . bastard.

if our friendship had to die, i wish it hadn't died the way it had. what a really lame way for a great friendship like ours to die! but you had to take the word of h. you know h. is a damned shit-talking idiot who doesn't know anything! since then, i haven't talked to h. at all. i cut her out of my life almost immediately. i did call her up while she was vacationing with her husband and kid down in san diego, right after you said that you were hurt and angry at me. shocked, i had told you i had no fucking clue what you were talking about. then i asked h. what the fuck was going on. of course, h. played the innocent card. she said she didn't know what was going on and that she couldn't understand what j. was talking about -- why was j. so mad? and then she blamed it all on s.

ah, yes. i forgot about s. yes, he had been there that night, too. how could i have forgotten?

h. and s. . . . i used to love them to death. they were my dear friends. but now i hate even the idea of them. they've always liked talking shit and spinning elaborate webs just for the fun of seeing people clumsily knocked around. i hold them responsible for ruining my friendship with you. i have talked to neither since.

only goes to show how incestuous our little circle had gotten. you cross certain wires, and the whole circle short-circuits out, causing an implosion of relationships and irreparable harm to innocent persons.

but now, i can't help but be pissed out you, too, j. if our friendship had to eventually die, way to fucking go for letting it die in that way. i think it's fucked up because, now, it's been almost a whole year, and you won't even get off your damned high fucking horse to talk to me. i'm still aghast today as i was back when you told me that i had "hurt" you. i didn't do a fucking thing, and you still hold me responsible while still continuing to remain good friends with s., that traitorous, untrustworthy bastard, who is the real culprit here. damn it, he was my friend, too.

i haven't tried contacting you since we last spoke. and i'm not going to. actions speak louder than words, and your act of remaining silent these past 7 or 8 months tells me all i need to know.

so go ahead. take their word over mine. fine. be an asshole.

just know that, even as pissed and fed up as i continue to be with you, i still miss you and your friendship. and i know you miss me, too. you always told me i was the only girl you've ever been friends with, because other girls would just get so petty and jealous of you, and that you knew you could always trust me. it was always funny to me that you knew how gorgeous you are and that this could be a point of contention amongst other girls (and also be a pain in the ass because of all the male attention you got). and while it is true that you are very beautiful and have even caused me to begin contemplating getting a boob job so that my chest could be as awe-inspiring as yours, i also saw the beauty that you had within, too. you are a good person, and that was even more beautiful to me, especially because you didn't show that side very often, except to your kids and to me.

*sigh* all right, i'm not angry at you anymore. my emotions tend to vacillate like that. . . .

no matter what, you still can trust me. that much hasn't changed, i promise you.

and i wish you could know that you can count on me to be there for you as much as ever. if you were to call me right now and say that you needed to see me or a shoulder to cry on, i would drop everything and cross the 750 miles between here and there as fast as i could. if you were ever really my friend, you would know that this has always been true and will never change, despite these really pitiful, pathetic squabbles.

so don't get me wrong: i'm still your friend as much as ever. but you are still a fucking bitch.

anyhow, i hope you are well. i wish you all the best and hope t. and the kids are well.

your friend,

-- abbagirl

p.s. you still owe me $ 400.

it's too early in the morning to deal with racism.

i've been quite alert this morning, which is rare. it usually takes me a good couple of hours before i'm coherent enough to be a nice girl to others, but today, it happened within just ten minutes or so of waking up.

it's always good when this happens; it's an omen that i might just actually end up having a good day.

i can't say that the day has started well for at least a few people this morning.

during my commute to the office this morning, despite my unusual level of mental alertness, i was still a bit wrapped up in my thoughts and in a daze as i maneuvered my car through the low-income neighborhoods of the city to get to work. i was alert enough only to be aware of the traffic signals and such, but my mind was on other things.

that's why i didn't notice, while stopped at a particular intersection, that the stoplight before me had turned from red to green. all i was vaguely conscious of was the fact that there were three or four tweenie black girls crossing the street before me; because they were still walking across the street, from my left to the right, i presumed, without looking up at the light, that it was not safe for me to proceed across the intersection.

but out of the corner of my eye, i saw the car to my right lurch forward. it was a large, old jeep driven my a middle-aged white guy, whose blond hair was pulled back into a long pony-tail at the nape of his neck. i then noticed that our light was green -- but the black girls crossing the street were only half-way across, and still taking their time to get their asses across the street. they must've started crossing the street even after the "don't cross" light had been lit for them.

this happens quite a bit in the ghetto. people just walk willy-nilly, whenever they feel like it, even during rush hour.

the white dude wasn't having any of it, though. he started lurching his car forward impatiently, waiting for the kids to cross, seconds after our light had turned green. two of the kids passed in front of the car unscathed. a third yelled at him, "watch it, mr. ugly car!"

it was an ugly car.

he narrowly missed hitting the third girl, hence her yelling.

then the slowest, fourth tweenie girl crossed in front of him. and this time, the white dude shoved his front fender at her. the front of his car actually touched her and made her stagger a couple of steps backward, but it was more of a nudge than a shove. the tweenie girl smacked her hand on the hood of the white dude's jeep. "watch it, nigga!" she yelled. and then she yelled something else. you could tell she was angry (hell yeah! i would be, too!) but also frightened, despite her bravado.

i was aghast by the white dude. doesn't that count as assault and battery? not only that, but with a deadly weapon?

and i wonder at the racial implications, if any. am i reading too much into it? perhaps it's too easy to read "race" into it because it was a white dude and four black kids taking each other on. at the same time, i'm sure he would've acted differently if it were a couple of cute white girls taking their time across the street, though. in fact, he might've even encouraged them to walk even more slowly so that he could enjoy the view.

so i thought that was pretty fucked.

regardless of whether our light was green or not, one of the golden rules of driving that i was taught by my driving instructor, dear old mr. newbold, was that, no matter what, pedestrians have the right of way.

i gave the white dude a dirty "wtf" look as i passed him.

i don't care who you are, and i don't care what provokes you. you don't go around pushing tweenie kids, black or not, around with your fucking car.

that's messed up.

a few reasons why i've had a good weekend

i am trying to ignore the fact that i only have 31 days left until bar exam results are released and will instead try to concentrate on living in the moment, including keeping in mind all the reasons why this weekend was actually a nice, mellow weekend.

here are a few reasons why i enjoyed myself this weekend, despite the ominous fear of failure continuing to lurk around me:

1. i had dim sum for lunch saturday at my favorite dim sum place, the rice bowl.

2. my uncle told me, over dim sum, that he's spoken to a couple of district attorneys who are interested in talking with me -- if i pass the bar (!). :(

3. i splurged $ 150 on some cute lingerie from victoria's secret. they're having too good of a sale to pass up.

4. and then i spent another $ 50 to pre-order guitar hero iii from best buy.

5. i got started on 3 (of 8) grad school applications.

6. i finally cleaned out the rain gutters for my mom, thus fully cementing, even more, my status as her favorite child.

7. i relaxed on a tanning bed for a chunk of sunday afternoon.

it was nice. but i burned my butt/tail-bone. it's pretty sensitive. i feel like someone gave me a right smart slap right there.

:)

and now a mellow song to end a mellow weekend on a good note:

"beast of burden" -- lifehouse

keeping a sunny perspective during an otherwise grey day

i overslept this morning. i woke up at about 7:00 a.m.

and i had to go give someone a ride somewhere, too.

but i still got here at about 8:03 a.m.

:-D

i tend to sleep obliviously after partaking in even only one or two drinks. i just conk out for good.

and yesterday was a pretty long day. the mounds of paperwork never ends, and for some reason, this past week, it all go more out-of-control than i'm otherwise used to.

it didn't help that the commute home yesterday took an abnormal 90 minutes, instead of the usual 30 to 45. there is construction going on on the long stretch of road that i use to go home. we were all stretched out in a single lane. plus, the construction crew had turned off the stoplights at one of the busier intersections, and the people directing the flow of traffic there kinda forgot to let the stream of cars that i was in go.

so it actually took me 45 minutes to traverse 0.1 miles.

i was semi-annoyed.

only semi-annoyed, though. i was too busy being amused by the older hispanic lady in the mini-van behind me. at one point, after traffic had not moved a single inch for about 20 minutes, she started getting visibly agitated in her car. "what the fuck--!" i could see her mouthing. and she started jumping and bouncing in her car.

yeah, lady -- like that's going to be helpful. just chill!

but she amused me. that really helped me not to get too worked up about the otherwise obnoxious and irritating traffic lull.

it's all about maintaining a positive perspective.

and it did help to be able to close the day off with a beer. only a pint, though.

but that is why i get on so well with people. they think i'm a positive, joyful girl. in a way, i am, i guess. . . .

at the same time, i'm really not that positive. i just see things differently and am able to make peace with even the most difficult or negative situations. for some people, that reads positive; for me, i'm just calling things as i see them.

for someone who overslept a bit this morning, i am surprised at how un-lethargic i am. i've got energy and focus. i'm not picking up the phone today at all. i'm not going to run around. i'm just going to put my nose to the grind and get rid of all this damned paperwork i'm surrounded by. there is not a single square of my desk that is not cluttered. i can't stand it. so i'm shutting out the world today and am just gonna get all this shit out of the way.

and it is rather grey and rainy today. and cold. but i still find it to be rather beautiful today. sactown is the tree capital of the world -- so they say; apparently, there are more trees per square mile (or something like that) than any other city in the world. and today, i'm definitely appreciative of this. even though the skies are a dull grey, the trees and other vegetation, with their shiny sheen of moisture, offer such a crisp, colorful relief.

it's a beautiful sight, it really is.

so no, it is not that bad of a day, really. and i will just lay low and get all the stuff i need to do out of the way.

and then before long, i can greet the onset of weekend with a grateful embrace.

the changing of the seasons

i fell asleep last night groaning inwardly at the sound of instantaneous rain slapping harshly against my window.

it's that time of the year.

already the lazy summer mornings that only recently gently bathed me with a slight warmness commingled with a stirringly cool breeze have disappeared.

and in its place, the unsympathetic, uncaring coldness of fall which eventually give way to the disdainful teary anger of winter, full of unforgiving rains and floods.

that's how it is in norcal.

this morning, i woke up trepidatiously. i like to leave the shades open in the night while i sleep so that the morning sun can wake me -- or at least have ths morning skies indicate what kind of weather the day will bring.

already, it is to the point where, when i wake up at around 6 a.m.-ish, the skies are still dark. this morning was no exception; the sky was still a dark indigo, and i could also feel the presence of the rainclouds in the sky, even though i couldn't actually see them. luckily, however, the clouds have quickly disappeared, and within an hour, the sun was peeking through tentatively in a light blue sky behind a couple of cirrus clouds.

it's still colder than i'd like, though. i think it's time to bust out with some light scarves to keep the cold from seeping down my neck.

speaking of, i find it funny that i am now working in a scientific environment.

seeing how science always tended to make eyes glaze over instantaneously when i was younger, it is indeed a bit of a surprise.

not to say that i wasn't intrigued by science. science is an attempt to understand the world around us by simplifying all knowable phenomena into black and white clear rules. it attempts to know what is and what isn't and why. it looks at the world on a macrocosmic level and a microcosmic level. and these are endeavors that i definitely respect.

if i had to choose a science that i wish i could excel at, it would have to be astronomy. i am just so intrigued by it. it is fascinating to me that the lived reality i experience every day, all of which seems so monumental and earth-shattering to me, is actually just absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. i may feel like the world is soon coming to an end, because of a tremendous tragedy befalling me . . . .

but seriously, when it all comes down to it, my life and my experiences don't mean jack. it is miniscule when examined in the grand scheme of the universe, where other universes and galaxies take millenia to be born and to be destroyed.

this is what i generally try to remember when the going gets tough. as the tao te ching would say, this is the way of the tao, the way of nature, the way things are. you just have to go with the flow, adapt yourself to the turmoil, then ride the waves out until the going gets better.

and it always does get better. it really does.

so the universe goes, so do the earth's laws of nature. as a result, i must adjust myself to the colder weather that has billowed into my part of the world, even as i fight the urge to burrow under warm blankets and hide through the fall and winter seasons until spring gently raises its head once more. but if anything, at least i get to start layering the clothes i wear with more gusto.

and i do like layering. i like putting different colors, patterns, and textures together to get different effects, like an artist choosing a color palette to work with. and then add ornaments -- jewelry, a belt or a sash, shoes.

the human body is a palette -- what you put on yourself bespeaks to the world who you are, what you're like, how you're feeling on a particular day, and what you strive to be.

and speaking also of the natural birth, life, and death cycles of all known matter in the universe, i was also happened to think of other stuff recently. and it is this:

for someone, such as me, who takes great pains to be derisive and disdainful of people in general, it shocks the hell out of me when i come to find out how much love i actually have in me.

no, not to be all corny. truth be told, i'm not a very loving person. i like talking shit about people. i see the clouds before i see the silver lining. i'm ill-natured and moody. saturday night live has this one skit that i love -- rachel dratch as "debbie downer." that is a hilarious skit. not that i am a total debbie downer -- but the fact that the debbie downer skits make me laugh until i shit my pants should indicate what kind of sense of humor i have.

i love very rarely. i'm too rational to do otherwise -- and often, when i feel like i am on the verge of loving too much, i try to talk myself out of it -- and sometimes i succeed, sometimes i don't. but when i love, it is so intense, it fucking scares me. it gets overwhelming and uncontrollable, and internally i start to panic. i feel it is very dangerous for me to love so much -- if only because life is so short and temporary, but the love i feel, if i feel it, actually feels pretty powerful, as if it could shoot out from somewhere in my body and streak across the sky and be visible to everyone forever.

at the same time, it contradicts my ideas of life. for me, the life as i know it right now is it. no more and no less. nothing existed before i lived, and nothing exists after my life as i will know it. when i think about the impermanence of who i am, the thought often leaves me cold with fear.

if only we can all live forever -- and not only that, but be assured that the people we love, too, can be around us for all time.

but that's not how it goes.

i do wish i had the reassuring belief in a religion as a result. but if i were to turn to religion now, considering where i'm at in my life at this moment and how i have regarded religion, it would be for all the wrong reasons. i lack the faith, period, to believe in a single god, that essence precedes existence, and that there is a continued existence for us all when we cease to have any further consciousness of this world. so turning to religion would be nothing more than just a desperate hope to be proven wrong. and that's not true faith, is it?

i was only thinking of this because of how much i love my momma. i can't imagine life without her. my true best friend, she is the best person i know in the world. she is really as much of a twin as i can have; our thoughts are so interchangeable, we have the same sense of humor, and i turn to her the most. and so i dread the days that will come when i will no longer have her around. i dread it like nothing else. i just love my mom so fiercely.

she's had a few health scares in recent years -- all of which have been due to high stress levels and the fact that she doesn't take care of herself as much as she takes care of everyone else. she's so used to being the go-to person for everything, as the eldest child of a ten-kid family. and now on top of those responsibilities, she also kinda leads her own family now, and our family is pretty dramatic in and of itself.

the other day, i noticed that she was carrying a newspaper ad that she had clipped out of the paper. it was for funeral services and offered a 15% discount or something.

my mom is only 54 (and my dad 63). i was immediately alarmed.

she says no big deal. nothing's wrong. she's thinking of being cremated.

i'm like, "mom! don't be talking about shit like that!" it does scare me.

i was also surprised; she had told me before that she wanted to be buried in a casket and be embalmed so that we, her kids, could have a place to actually come visit her. that idea actually reassures me, especially after my trip to vietnam earlier this year and visiting graves of relatives i've never known.

and now she's talking about being cremated.

i think she just likes to worry me like that.

but i love my mom intensely. and what do i get for loving her so much? i get her love in return, yes -- but it's temporary in the grand scheme of things. love isn't forever for those of us who are unfortunate enough to lack faith or to have lived through life without the reassuring beliefs that are provided by organized religions.

it kinda bites.

and that is one of the other reasons why i don't think i will have kids. why consign them to that kind of existence? sure, i think i'd have really cute kids -- they'd be even cuter than i was. so small, so frail-looking, so quiet and well-behaved -- but unbelievable spunky and cunning as i was. :-D but in my mind, by giving birth to a child, i am also consigning them to certain death. and as much as i sometimes think i'd love to have a kid, i could not consciously consign them to do that.

i know this is contrary to how most people think of life. i guess my take is a bit different.

just a bit.

:-P

not to get into all these dark thoughts so early in the morning. but really, this is all the more justification for both living life to the utmost and also cultivating oneself as much as possible. do everything you can and be the best you can be while you still can. leave a mark before you disintegrate into nothing.

blogs to rave about

there are a few blogs that i've found that are totally spectacular. i read them quite avidly. they are clever, witty, and insightful -- and usually a total and absolute riot. i thought i'd share them here:

1. the bigenarian librarian

this blog kicks ass. the author writes straight from the heart, straight from her mind without any pretense; just like me, she seems to write for the sake of venting or organizing her thoughts. she has clever little observations as a person and, yes, as a young librarian just starting out in her career.

her posts really crack me up. i stumbled on it when i was haphazardly browsing through other bloggers' profiles for people who listed jasper fforde as one of their favorite writers. i found hers and i have been a fan ever since.

2. literary gas

this is another witty and clever blog whose author rarely posts anything longer than a few paragraphs but who tends to write wry commentaries and use literary allusions. he definitely seems to enjoy books and reading as much as i do.

3. weird meat

this blog is intriguing, although it hasn't been updated in a while. the author of this blog appears to roam the world quite a bit in search of the weirdest kinds of meat available. he is intrigued by the fact that certain animals and insects may be taboo to eat in one part of the world but are also consumed quite enthusiastically in another part of the world. he thus has decided to take a no-holds-barred approach to cuisine and is up for eating most anything, regardless of how strange or unpalatable they seem to others. check out his blog -- you can see descriptions and pictures of the "strange" cuisine he's sampled, ranging from fried crickets to broiled dog meat to bull testes. and he seems to enjoy most, if not all, of the various cuisine he's come into contact with.

at first, i was inclined to opine that he had started his blog for the sake of pure shock value. but now, i do see value in his efforts. he traverses through various cultures quite easily and has no fears about challenging himself to stand in the shoes of those who have different cultural values -- or at least eat similarly to them.

everyone should be as brave as him.

4. i can has cheezburger?

do you like cats? do you like crazy cute pics of cats? do you also like cheesy ghetto slang? do you like crazy cute pics of cats and cheesy ghetto slang all put together?

then you'll like this cute little blog.

5. my random acts of reason

this is a great blog for people who like books, period. the author of this blog often puts up pithy cute quotes about the importance of books and reading.

i like it.

6. after portia

i found her a long time ago on afterellen, after seeing a comment she posted on the site. she wanted to provide a counterpoint to afterellen that would be more in line with celebrating the gay femme, a la portia di rossi, as opposed to the butch types. as she puts it on her blog:

AfterPortia is not exactly the anti-AfterEllen, but rather an alternative for those gay ladies out there who identify more with the Portias of the world.

i couldn't help but be interested in her message. i stopped by her blog soon after reading her comment -- and have been a fan ever since.

afterportia just has the most hilarious posts ever. hers is the kind of whacky truth-telling and sense of humor that i can totally relate to, and she really skewers those aspects of dyke culture or cultural phenomena that she finds to be completely ostentatious. she doesn't post very often these days, which i consider to be quite a pity. :-( but that only makes me love and appreciate her blog all the more immensely.

7. folklore, mythology, lore, legends, culture, etc.

this blog is totally awesome for the cultural anthropologist type. it is interesting, educational, and just beyond words. each post tackles a particular subject or topic, and then gives you the full analysis for the origin and development of that particular subject in lore, literature, etc. recent posts have explored the phenomena of ufos, the mythological atlantis, and ghost towns.

these are all really great blogs. i wish more people read them -- they are quite insightful and just so clever.

distracted by the bar exam

i really must stop being so moody about the bar exam. i shouldn't let it get the best of me.

it's really 'cause i have been a bit tired lately, especially last night. i went and had dinner. it was an okay, pretty light-hearted time. but it wore me out. after i blogged on here yesterday, i had to go straight to bed. i was unconscious and in a blissfully dreamless state before my head even hit the pillow.

but i am just getting butterflies in my stomach thinking about november 16th, the day the results are released (at 6:00 p.m., pacific standard time). they're not the good kind of butterflies, but the wretched ones. they really are bouncing around uneasily in my tummy.

notice i have not been mentioning how tough it is to refrain from smoking anymore?

yeah, it's because i quit quitting. i am on my second pack for the week. i didn't even make it to 10 days of being smoke-free.

i am sure each cigarette is subtracting a year from my life. but i can't help agitatedly puffing on one when the mood strikes.

because i am so tired, i am also looking rather grubby today. i am basically still wearing the white vee-neck tee that i went to bed in, and i just pulled a thin, deep vee-neck, charcoal-colored hoodie over it (it's too thin -- i am pretty cold here at the office) and slid into a pair of jeans. i am hoping i am not looking as grubby as i feel if only for the fact that i always wear designer jeans. :) and then i just slipped my feet into a pair of converse that i got recently -- i don't know what you call them, but they're the ones with no laces. i love converse sneaks, and these ones are pretty cute -- they're a mostly dark color, with black rubber treads, and they've got little pink broken hearts all over them.

broken hearts. how fitting.

:-P ;)

but i must do what it takes to keep perspective and try to stop thinking about anything that can get me down.

i must be up-beat!

i also have a minor sense of foreboding about working on an intermittent basis for that other office. i am being loaned out by my current office to one in the legal department. i was definitely excited at first -- and still am, because i don't mind adding a bit of experience and knowledge about something i'm not familiar with to my professional repertoire. but i can't help being apprehensive, too.

you just have to worry when your new boss keeps joking or talking in surreptitious whispers about the negative office politics rather incessantly.

it was funny at first. but really, uneasy jokes on the same subject on a persistent basis soon loses its charming luster. it is just not an indicator of anything positive.

so i went back over to the legal department yesterday afternoon. the new boss gave me a general run-down of what i should expect to do. but she really couldn't talk any specifics (red flag!). and there is no general process or procedure to really adhere to (red flag!). and her door was open so she kept whispering when referring to other people who worked in the office (high, elevated alert!). and then she brought in someone whom i came to sense was her b.f.f. of the office who kept giving me strange, apprehensive, and rather suspicious stares (sound the alarms!! *wonk wonk!!* time for massive evacuation!!).

not to jump to conclusions about people. LOL hopefully, my first impressions turn out to be completely erroneous.

but i have a feeling that they won't be completely off.

that's the thing with any bureaucracy, though. you get a lot of great, smart people working at the higher levels and getting promoted through the ranks fairly quickly. but at the same time, a lot of these people lack the kind of social and leadership skills that earn them the respect of the people they oversee. i'm not sure if the private industry is any better -- but in all the public sectors that i've worked in, and i've worked in perhaps four or five, or maybe six, at this point, it just comes to be rather glaringly true.

except for my current boss -- the real one i work for, not the one to whom i'm being loaned. he really has the loyalty and respect of his people well in hand. in fact, my loaner boss has wondered incredulously the past two days, to both me and my real boss, about how he has managed to maintain such a positive vibe in his office.

you either really have it or you really don't.

i must really think about something positive.

two of my favorite bands ever are playing in reno this weekend: the go-go's will be playing a show on saturday, october 6th, and social distortion has a show on sunday, october 7th.

what sucks about being a punk-hearted, twenty-ish, asian-american girl living in this town, though, is that the other people i hang out with, mostly other asians, do not tend to like cool bands like the go-go's or social distortion. reno is only a couple of hours away, and i would totally go see one or both the shows . . . . but i hate going to shows by myself . . . !

everyone i know over here is more into kanye and other hip-hop peeps whom i know nothing about.

it really is a pity. they don't even know who the traveling wilburys are!!

O_O

they just look at me agape when i happen to have it playing in my car.

at least i'm not making them listen to marilyn manson. you'd think i was subjecting them to some form of painful torture or something.

i love the traveling wilburys. you not only have george harrison, my favorite beatle, in the band, but also one of my favorite crooners, roy orbison, and that bad ass tom petty. and then there's jeff lynne and bob dylan, too. the best, yet most short-lived, band ever!


"handle me with care" -- traveling wilburys

now i'm off to a staff meeting. damn it.

tentative major freak-out session in thinking about the bar exam, no. 1

when i think about it, i realize it is a big mistake telling as many people as i've had about having taken the calbar.

i tried to keep the circle as small as possible -- firstly, because i am usually among those who are first to scorn the so-called "lawyer" types, a.k.a., money-grubbing jerks. i would lose credibility as a human being if it were known that i deride the character of other attorneys -- while also still striving to be one of them.

secondly, i just don't want to be freakin' embarrassed when the results come out and my name is not on the list of persons who passed. . . .

damn it.

and then i would have to start the whole process yet again -- of retreating from employment, stretching out my meager savings, and losing a good chunk of my year towards re-studying for the damned thing and losing all vestige of a social life once more.

i know my friends and family will ask me how i did when the results come out. who wouldn't?

well, i wouldn't. if i knew someone had taken the bar and that results had just come out, i would not ask a single question about the bar exam, period. it's not my place to bring it up. but if the person wanted to talk about it, i would listen.

unfortunately, not everyone adheres to my kind of code of politeness and decorum.

so they will ask me. and i know i will have to answer them.

the only thing i can control is the timing of their questions.

i won't let them ask me whether i've passed until i'm good and ready.

so i will leave town the weekend before results are to be posted. i will probably head out on i-80, since that is the piece of road i am most familiar with, and lay low in the beehive state for a few days. i have some old friends who moved to vegas after law school, so i am thinking of then heading south to visit them there after that . . . .

who knows. i think when the results get posted, i will have become rather aimless and will let my state of mind dictate where i will end up. as my emotions go, so will my direction of travel.

what will be hard is coming back, after those two weeks -- or however long i stay away, maybe more, maybe less -- to face people. i know they will let their curiosity get the best of them and they will demand to know.

fine. if they want to know, i will tell them.

but what a way to find out who really knows and understands you. the person who asks me instantaneously whether i have passed, without even a preliminary "how are you?" is not a person i want to be around. i've cut people out of my life for lesser reasons than that.

i'm not into superficiality. if you're going to only value my worth on a superficial level, i want nothing to do with you.

but perhaps i'm superficial, too -- at least in regards to my own self. passing this one state exam has really become the end-all and be-all of my existence, and it will be a blow to me if . . . . well, i don't even want to say the words.

. . . . not to be so crabby. or depressed. i still have a long way to go before i know -- a good 40 or so days now. i am getting nervous, though. this morning, i read through frustrated bar examinee's posts, which describe a tumultuous morning of anxiously waiting for the bar results to come out on the internet. just reading those posts made me queasy myself. frustrated bar examinee did find out that s/he had passed, which seems to have made his/her whole day worthwhile. but i do wonder and worry about those who did not do well. no matter what, it takes a lot of heart to be able to accept the fact that one has failed an exam for which one has poured a good amount of heart, soul, effort, blood, and sweat, and then try to go through that process again. i think that, when you finally are able to pass, after having taken the bar more than once, you appreciate a little more where you are and the opportunities you know have before you.

i dunno. or maybe that's just me waxing philosophical and trying to find the silver lining in the clouds.

or perhaps i am just rambling. i am a bit tired at the moment. it's been a long day.

40 days.

burma's junta government cracking down on a peaceful protest

warning: graphic violence