sentiments regarding july 2008 cabarx, day 3

today's essay questions were really rather . . . interesting, weren't they?

(and yes, by "interesting," i mean "WTF?! they were fucking hard!!")

i thought the p.t. was hard, too. hard in that it seemed unusually straight-forward. i actually had a LOT of time left at the end of the session to review and revise what i wrote. . . . so i'm thinking i actually fucked up somewhere in there.

:-T

but it's over, it's over. hallelujah. :) when time was finally called at about ten minutes 'til 5 p.m., and half the test takers started cheering, i actually had no coherent thought in my mind. i couldn't think. today was just a haze. . . .

this morning, i got stuck in traffic for an hour, trying to get downtown. usually it only takes me 30 minutes. and i majorly thought i was going to be late to the exam. i was freaking. and then i parked about 8 blocks away, and it took me another 10 minutes to power walk the distance from the parking structure to the testing site. my calves are sore at the moment . . . .

but luckily i wasn't late at all. i got there with a few minutes to spare.

it's hard to say how i did. . . .

i have admitted to not studying as much nor as hard as i should've. but the thing is i remember stuff. for each of the questions that were presented, i could look at the facts and know exactly how the analysis should proceed.

the difference between this bar exam and last february's bar exam is that this time around, i didn't have set definitions that i memorized verbatim. for last february, i got a book that provided structured paragraphs for almost all possible issues that could arise in a question for a given subject. i memorized at least 80-85% of those for february.

this time, i kinda glanced through those definitions. but the answers i put together were not answers based on that rote memorization. they were my own.

and that can be either a good thing or a bad thing.

:-T

i'm banking on it being a bad thing. but a tiny part of me hopes not. a tiny part of me remembers one of my bar review lecturers (yeah, the one that said we all deserved to fail) saying that the key to writing great essays is not by mechanically spewing out definitions. anyone can memorize definitions, he said, "you just have to make it yours."

so did i do what he said we should do?

damned if i know. :-D guess we'll see in four months.

:-P

oh, but what was i saying? oh, yeah. after time was called today and the exam was totallly and completely over, and everyone started cheering, i had no ability to form any words in my head.

and then maybe ten minutes later (we were still seated and the proctors were still collecting stuff), a coherent word finally wafted into my mind:

". . . shit . . . "

just like that. it wafted into my mind breathily, softly.

done.

and i kinda felt like i wanted to cry.

so many tears spent on this thing. i didn't even study much for this one, but i am still spent. if there is anything i have exerted an undue amount of time, thought, energy, blood, sweat, and tears on forever now, it is this one exam.

and then i thought instantly of what i wanted to do, now that i could get my life back to normal and start enjoying the remainder of the summer. it is the very first thing i found i really wanted to do:

go sun my legs.

oh, and run, too.

:)

best of luck to everyone else! the waiting game now begins anew . . . .

anyway, i just had three cocktails tonight, so i am buzzed as well as ultra tired at the moment. and i have work tomorrow . . . . :-P

so g'night, ya'll. sleep tight. and may you dream contented dreams. ;)

sentiments regarding july 2008 cabarx, day 2

sentiments regarding july 2008 cabarx, day 1

now, i know i didn't study even a FRACTION as much for this july bar exam than i did for february. i think i wrote a post last week and mentioned that i was studying only half as much. actually that was a straight-out fib. it's more like twenty percent.

:-T

nonetheless, that damned Question 2 threw me for a god damn fucking loop.

i failed again. i just know it. i fucked that one up. majorly.

also, if you are reading this blog and you are currently taking the bar exam in the laptop room at the sack conv3ntion c3nt3r, then you might have noticed me.

yes, i am the girl who, at some point during the first session, starting glaring at all the proctors and giving them an evil eye that was so vicious, it ended up causing that 5.0+ earthquake in los angeles this morning.

why? why did i cause such an atrocious act of nature?

(no, i didn't cause that earthquake. but bear with me here)

because my damned laptop TURNED OFF just when i was half-way done with Question 3.

WHY did it turn off?

because the stinkin' electrical outlet into which my laptop was plugged didn't work! and my laptop was running on battery juice the whole time, and i didn't even know it -- until it went kaput after just over two hours.

i was LIVID.

seriously, it's bad enough the bar examiners keep their damned pass rate so low. but they also wanna keep on sabotaging me year after year??

ugh!

so i was mad. it was only two hours into the exam, and already i felt i was gonna fail. plus, i had a shitty night of sleep last night, was in a bad mood, and rather tired, so i was ready to give up then and there. i almost walked out of the testing center. there was no way i was going to write out the remainder of question 3, if my first two questions' answers were gone.

but luckily, i pulled myself (and my concentration and temper) together, finished question 3 as best i could, just continuing off of where i thought i left off on the laptop, and voile! finished it. then, when everyone went off to break, i went and found a plug for my laptop to charge the battery and see what damage had been caused and whether i lost my typed answers altogether. but nope -- they were there, and it LOOKS like everything is good to go. . . . my answers are all uploaded already as of now. . . .

:-T

still think i failed, though. i had planned to go back and add more crap to my first two answers. but ugh, my computer shutting off like that nixed that intent. i really didn't know my 'puter was on battery mode. it is one of those things you take for granted, i guess -- that there will be functional electrical outlets for your 'puter during a major exam like that. . . !

but . . . *sigh* whatev.

55s all around, i think, for session 1.

>:-|

the p.t. today was rather doable, i thought, though. it was after lunch so i was finally in a better mood after having eaten a nice big home-made pastrami sandwich i'd made and lots of other goodies. when i started reading the fact pattern for that p.t., i wanted to bust out laughing. it seriously was hiLARious.

an in-house supermarket security lady busting two gangly young punks for "stealing" nuts?

there is just something funny about a big brawny security guard lady chasing two guys and busting them for taking nuts.

okay. i'm the only one laughing. but seriously, at the time, i thought it was hilarious. and even now, it cracks me up.

i didn't prepare for the p.t. stuff at all this time around. so the last time i took a p.t. was, well, last february.

:-T

still, even though i was rusty, i still managed to answer all the crap on the memo instructions. i started having way too much fun with it in the end, though. i mean, seriously, with facts like that (i did not give the burly security guard lady much slack in my answer -- LOL), i got into it. i had to do some speed typing during the last five minutes in order to completely address everything i wanted to address. but at least i finished the day on a stronger note than how i started it.

:-T

i parked hella far from the testing site. but it's only 'cause i'd rather spend only ten bucks for a whole day of parking, not fifteen to twenty-five. that means i had to walk a good dozen or so blocks to and from my car. the walk was great during the cool of the morning -- but seemed rather long during the hot afternoon. . . .

still, it's good to just be able to amble at my own pace before and after. it gives me peace of mind.

:)

i'm quite certain this is my last time -- at least for a while. i'm not going to keep on doing this forever. you know, when you're in school and you're trying to ace a test, you get a sense of motivation from knowing that getting the grade is in YOUR hands. it is a matter of you conquering that test so that you can pass on to the next level.

with the bar, it just gets rather . . . tiring to be striving to attain the same ol' thing year after year.

i was thinking about that today as i sat at the exam, listening to the same person (dolores) drone on giving me the same instructions that i've heard a gazillion times.

i'm so over it. and today solidified it.

the desire, the motivation, the incentive to conquer this one little exam, to make the grade -- just isn't there anymore.

please don't read that as me giving up, per se. read that as me just being . . . tired of it all.

:-T

anyway, i'm about ready for a nap. but -- must not take any rest! time to crack open an outline . . . .

'til tomorrow -- and to everyone else, don't let me be a downer. i'm sorry for venting so soon into this thing. but hey, i never said i was nice -- i always said i was bitchy and snarky! and i just like being able to prove it every once in a while. :)

but that's just me. as for you guys, KEEP AT IT!!! one day knocked out, two more to go. good luck on the MBEs tomorrow!

arnold vs. chiang vs. s.e.i.u. vs. . . me

i've always been a good state employee. to date, i've had four state jobs at different points in my life, starting right after high school, when i landed a gig as an accounting assistant.

seriously, that accounting assistant job is how i managed to acquire fantastically speedy yet accurately mean skills on a 10-key calculator by the time i turned 18.

:-T

on a general basis, the state takes very good care of the 200,000+ employees it employs all up and down the state. it offers benefits that are much better than any private sector job can provide, and the pay is great and reliably steady, too.

one of the biggest lobbyist groups in the state is s.e.i.u.

its focus is upon lobbying for the likes of public employees just like me.

honestly, though, i can do without them. when i worked as an auditor for the state, i was considered an exempt employee -- that is, i was not subject to some of the rules, regulations, and protections that protect all other state employees due to the unique nature of my office (it was an independent state entity that answered directly to the legislature -- and it therefore was important for it to remain immune and insulated from lobbyist wranglings and dealings).

i kinda liked being exempted.

when i changed jobs and went to another state agency, i became a non-exempt employee. rank-and-file. subject to the terms that govern my particular bargaining unit, which is based on my particular job classification. that means i get all the protections afforded to me based on my status as a state employee.

i'm not complaining about those, i suppose. it's good to have that job security and perks that all their lobbying (finagling and harassing) have given to me. for one thing, their efforts have produced assurance that if i were a permanent employee, absent some gross misconduct on my part, i will never have to fear for losing my job. and it also assures me that my pay will never go down; it can only remain steady at worst or go up at best.

i still find the union members to be completely obnoxious, though. they stand out in front of most agency buildings at least once a month to hand out newsletters and solicit support. if you politely decline acceptance of the newsletter, they start getting affronted and try to pick fights with you then and there -- which makes me even more adamant about walking away from them. i hate the fact that, as a non-exempt employee, $ 40 is deducted from my paycheck every month to support them. they take my money, but i am still not considered a union member; i still would have to fill out an application for that and pay additional union dues.

lately, they irk me even more. in the news lately, i have heard them continuing to try to lobby for even greater protections and benefits. one recent lobbying cause was for yet another pay-hike.

seriously, i'm not complaining about my pay. in fact, i think it's quite generous.

at the same time, i disapprove of it all because our state is in a massive, massive budget deficit. i disapprove of continued lobbying to try to get pay raises for us all -- yes, even for me. to add to the woes, the state's budget still has not yet been passed. in a time when costs for everything are sky-rocketing, the last thing we should be asking the state, our own employer, to give us even more money. the state doesn't even have the money to cover its own ass.

i do not know how to explain this position of mine. all i know is that i am a proponent of the idea that government be as fiscally responsible as possible. and if that means i have to suck it up in order to put my money where my mouth is, so be it.

with all this in mind, what do i think of the seemingly imminent possibility that the governor will sign an executive order that will temporarily cut all state employees' wages down to the federal minimum wage of $ 6.50 starting the end of august?

as of the weekend, i thought it was just all political posturing. after all, the state budget is late in being passed yet again. and i thought the governor was only saying that because he thought the state employees' union would start putting pressure on the legislators.

now? i'm not sure whether it is just posturing or whether it's fo' realz. . . .

state controller john chiang has said that he will defy such an executive order and continue to pay us all at our regular salaries, so i'm comfortable that i'll be able to at least get my full paycheck these next couple of months. but who knows what'll happen. apparently, case law is on the side of the governor, not the state controller, so long as the state continues to pay at least the federal minimum wage to all its employees.

what sucks is that my department just issued an order from the BIG BIG Cheese saying that all temporary employees and retired annuitants were going to be cut from staff as a result of the state- and department-wide crunch. the people at my department who fell into those categories were given only two days' notice and were released, just like that, on thursday.

the next wave of employees who are standing on thin ice in terms of job security would be, well, folks like me.

see, when i was hired there, i wasn't offered a permanent, full-time job, as i would've under normal circumstances if the economy is going well. instead, i was given a limited term status. technically, i've been appointed to this job for only 24 months. and so because i'm not perm, i'm just not afforded the same protections that a permanent status person is given.

i'm so not worried, though. if i'm fired, i'm fired. it just makes it all the more easier to sit tight and wait for the time when i go away to grad school in january. i've got financial aid. seriously, it's all good.

but in the meantime, why in the world am i worrying about this? questions of money and job security can wait.

i've got a bar exam to see to.

:-T

trying to recoup what was lost, even if it was never really had

let’s just jump right into it, shall we?

i didn’t actually start getting nervous about my date until about three or fours before we’d arranged to meet, while i was still at work. what was i going to wear? how was i going to do my hair?

i stopped being nervous once i began getting ready to leave the office and go home. no biggie. i shrugged it all off.

once i got home, because i still had a while until i had to go meet her, i decided to just chill and rest. i was hella tired from the work-day.

i plopped myself on my bed and laid flat on my back, with one arm propped behind my head. my dog, whom i’d only cursorily patted on the head after stepping through the front door, came scrambling into the room after getting over her stunned disappointment that i was not going to give her a doggie cookie, like i usually do once i get home. she jumped up on her hind legs and eagerly started pawing at my bed covers, which always makes me smile. i sat up briefly to pick her up under her armpits, as if she were a toddler, and i plopped her onto the bed with me.

once she was on the bed with me, she started scrambling up and down the length of the mattress excitedly, her small tongue lolling out, and she panted vigorously, like a winded fat man who had just made a mad dash from sofa to refrigerator. as i laid back down, exhausted, she clambered onto my chest and laid down on me, pinning me down with her light weight. i obliged her silent but excited request and began scratching her head and giving her loud smacking kisses all over. she loves that kind of attention. to show me love in return, she enthusiastically licked my skin anywhere she could get her tongue on me – my cheek, my hand, my arm, my neck.

obviously, i love my little dog. :) i love coming home to her. i love her loyalty and her unconditional love for me (although i realize that she may love the doggie cookies i give to her just a tad more). she’s my totem, my little sidekick, my animal alter-ego.

but even the love of my pooch was not enough to save me from my own thoughts. with about two hours left until i had to go meet my date, my mood ended up darkening. i didn’t know at the time exactly why i was getting all moody again, but i knew it was wrong of me to start feeling that way. still, i couldn’t help it. i could feel myself getting angry and morose.

i was wasting my evening, i thought to myself. i’d rather be at my favorite coffee shop studying. i’d rather stay in with my dog. i’d rather be doing something alone instead of going on a date with someone i had no interest in.

why did i say yes?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

by 7 p.m., i looked great. i looked cute. even i could see that.

i had picked out a casual outfit to wear. i carefully did my hair. and my make-up looked flawless and amazing – while still rather natural looking. i mentally thanked the sephora salesgirl who had helped me out with my purchase last week. i had gone into the local sephora shop to get some more eye primer and to find a new eyeshadow palette to mess around with. a young, platinum blond salesgirl chick with icy cool blue eyes had helped me out. she acted rather cool (aren’t all sephora salesgirls rather crusty? :-T) to me at first, and when i asked her for help in finding a new eyeshadow palette, she coldly suggested one by urban decay. i was kind of dubious about going with a new brand; i had been a paula dorf fan for the longest time until sephora stopped selling her line and then had tried out smashbox – but hadn’t been too impressed with the quality and texture of it. the salesgirl then offered to do my eyes so that i could see how i’d like the urban decay palette. when i agreed, she sat me down on a chair, and i obediently sat still while she put on a combination of gold and green on my eyes. when i saw the result of her careful machinations, my eyes popped out in amazement.

“holy shit,” i told her as i stared admiringly at my own reflection in the mirror i held up to my face. “sold!”

urban decay, i am now a fan.

when i expressed gratitude to the salesgirl for her assistance, she finally started warming up to me and smiling at me, and she assured me that any combination of colors on the palette would work well with my dark brown eyes – unlike for someone with her blue eyes, which would not work well with blue or purple-y colors.

so last night, i went with a minimal amount of gold and blue eyeshadow, added some concealer to hide the subtle bags under my eyes, put on some blush and lip gloss, and left the house to go to town.

a small bit of resentment that had stirred up in me before after i had gotten home from work still resided in me. but it only made me hold my chin a bit higher as i got into my car. going out on this date wouldn’t be so bad. i looked good and felt good. things could only go up from there. i could do anything i wanted.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

i arrived a few minutes late to my date. i mentally cursed myself. i hate tardiness – but i hate it even more when i’m the one who’s late.

this proclivity of mine to be punctual is rare amongst most asians, by the way. most asians tend to prefer to go on rubber time. :-P

i saw her already waiting for me when i arrived. we had drinks and then took a walk. and when we had walked around once, we decided to take another walk around again. a couple of hours later, we parted ways.

and that was that.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

okay. so maybe that wasn’t really just that.

to tell the truth, i was bored out of mind the whole time.

i’m the type of person who generally and instantaneously can tell whether she will like a person or not. my instincts are generally right.

so when the girl originally asked me out, although i already knew she was nice and stuff, i already knew what kind of person she would be and whether i’d end up really liking her.

she really is nice and all.

but those things that i mentally noted when i first started getting to know her became hugely exacerbated during the time we hung out last night. there were times when she was bearable, but there were more times when i found her excruciatingly annoying. and so i found myself mentally ticking off the minutes until i felt it would be safe and polite for me to take my leave of her.

god. i’m so mean.

but it’s just the truth.

:-T

i got into my car after the date ended and plunged out into the dark of night onto the freeway to head home. it was not until 20 minutes later, when i had exited the freeway and had to begin navigating the silent country roads that led to home that i began asking myself why.

WHY WAS I DOING THIS?

i was stopped at a red light. there were no other cars on the road. there was a lack of movement from the world altogether and just a deafening silence. i was starting to feel helpless again, lost. i could feel tears starting to burn in my eyes. i started getting angry again.

this was not how it was supposed to be.

i don’t know how it’s supposed to be. but this -- this -- was not how it was supposed to be.

i felt kind of grim. before, when i had agreed to go out on this date, i could not consciously begin to say why i’d said yes.

but as i sat there in the car, waiting for my light to turn green, i knew.

i had done it to feel good about myself. to feel confidence in myself again.

hanging out with that girl felt dreadfully longer than it had actually been. she was a chatterbox. her jokes got lamer and lamer as the evening wore on. i eventually found myself unable to look in her eyes – and i cursed myself for doing so as the evening wore on even as i continued to stare anywhere else but at her.

it was unfair to her. but when i don’t like someone or am annoyed with a person, i can’t hide it. i’m too honest. and just looking at her was starting to annoy the hell out of me.

i know what i want. i know what type of person i’m attracted to. i know what kind of person i’d fall in love with. i’ve already had a brief, fleeting glimpse of what that kind of person would be. and anything, anyone else just comes up short. very short.

it is unfair (and rather mean of me, i admit) to that girl, but going out with her, i could regain perspective of myself. when things go wrong, all the weakness and flaws that i am self-conscious about seem hugely exaggerated. i blame myself for everything. i’m not good enough, i’m too naive, i’m too this or that, or i’m far too lacking in other qualities.

but last night, i regained perspective of myself and realized . . . .

there’s nothing wrong with me. i have a lot to offer. i’m normal. i’m nice. i’m cute. i take care of myself and i love taking care of others. i run. i’m a fun smack-talker but never to the point of sheer nastiness. i’m educated. i’m smart. i’m not just a goal-setter – i put plans into motion to achieve those goals. i may be addicted to video games, but i’m not a loser. i'm loyal to the death. i have an idea of social graces. i take an honest and direct approach. in bed, i love to give more than i receive – and i love making it last. i like to try most things at least once. i can’t read minds, but i can read moods. and i just know what i want. when i know what i want, i want nothing else; everything else is, at best, just a pale imitation.

falling in love shouldn’t be so complicated. there shouldn’t be games. there shouldn’t be hedging or hemming and hawing. if you want someone or something, it should be straight-forward, pure and simple. and if two people want each other, there should be no force in the world that could ever keep them apart.

or at least that’s how i view it.

and that’s why i think . . . she never really wanted me or was serious about me to begin with. . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

two months ago, i had a dream. i know for a fact when the dream occurred because it was only a few days after the dream that she officially broke my heart.

in my dream, i was sitting in an airplane, my little sister in the window seat on my right. we were taking a flight to somewhere, although i don’t know where exactly.

she was sitting in the row directly behind us, in the window seat behind my sister. i happened to turn around in my seat and got a glimpse of her. instantaneous recognition for the both of us. her face looked somewhat different – but i still recognized her eyes. i knew it was her.

even though she recognized me, too, she gave no indication that she wanted to talk to me. she only stared at me, quite unforgivingly. as if to say, “what the hell do you want?”

i didn’t blame her. i remember thinking about how schlumpy i was in the dream, especially in comparison to her. ugly betty meets nelle porter of ally mcbeal. the nerd and the ice queen. i remember running a hand through my messy ponytail and reaching up to touch the nerdy glasses on my face (the terrible ones i wore during high school :-P) and feeling so self-conscious. no wonder she didn’t want to talk to me, not even to just say hi. i was a mess. i wasn’t beautiful. and she was - stunningly so.

and so it went throughout the entire plane ride. i would turn around in my seat to look at her, as if my eyes could not drink in the sight of her enough, and she would stare at me in return, but we never exchanged a single word. we changed planes multiple times throughout the journey. and each time we walked across the tarmac, she would walk behind me and my sister. and i’d try to walk slowly so that she could catch up with me, but she always maintained her distance.

when i woke up from the dream, after changing flights at least two or three times, it was with a feeling of certainty. i understood that she wasn’t going to talk to me again.

and then i got her e-mail a couple of days later.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

for a while there, i thought it was me. i blamed myself.

but last night, i finally realized it is not me. or at least it’s not just me.

i realized she was the one who never really gave me a chance to begin with. she was the one who kept me at bay the whole time. it was nothing that i did or didn’t do per se. she just . . . .

i don’t know what. i can’t and don’t want to read minds and behind intentions. she said a lot of things, and i have spent so much time trying to figure out what words she meant when she said them and what words she did not. but it’s all a wasted effort. the only thing i can do at this point is not believe anything she ever told me. it’s safest. it’s easier to believe she spun me nothing but lies and that she never gave a shit about me. that way i can remain angry at her and forget about how much i miss her. i’d be able to move on. and truth be told, i don’t think i have any reason to believe otherwise – especially not when i keep in mind how she gave me the brush-off towards the end there.

people say falling in love is the best feeling in the world, one of the best things about being alive. a part of me kind of agrees. i’d never been in love before and always scoffed dubiously at people who made themselves ridiculous all in the name of being in love.

but now i kind of understand what all the hub-bub is about. falling in love is a culmination of matching the physical with the emotional/mental, the inner and the outer. there are things you can see with your eyes, but the things that you see with your heart are even more beautiful and powerful. you can touch and be touched without moving a single muscle and without making use of your sensitive fingertips. there are some things that you know to be true because of the self-evident basis on the laws of science and nature, and other things that you know to be true because something inside you feels that immovable certainty about the truth of them. an indelible engraving is carved out for her somewhere inside you that fits only the imprint of her and no one else. the winds of time, the sands of change cannot alter it. you are never the same. once she leaves her mark, she is there for good, and when that engraving ends up being all that you have left of her, you turn yourself inside out in agony. she leaves you all cut up and bleeding, but she’s the only one who can nurse you back to wholeness. even when the blood dries, you still ache. the ache never goes away.

i wish i could tell her all this. i’ve wanted to. but i don’t know . . . . i don’t know how she’d respond. i don’t know if she even cares. she might even be surprised at the depth of my feelings. . . .

whatever. just let it go and move on, right?

:-T

in a way, it is a memorable experience. it's an exciting feeling to have when you see you’ve met your match, so i guess i ought to be grateful. and yet . . . she opened my eyes to what i will be missing for the rest of my life. call me bitter . . . but you know that quote about how it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?

bull shit.

maybe it’s just a testament to how much i have yet to get over . . .

but i think i prefer the latter option. i sometimes wish it had never happened.

i just don’t like losing.

trying to get back on the horse

it’s on.

a first date tonight.

i don’t know exactly what i feel. not dread. but not excitement, either.

it seems official, doesn’t it? i am going to die an old maid, cold and alone.

but it won’t be for lack of ability to get dates.

it will be for lack of enthusiasm for such said dates.

but . . . i should give her a chance. she is funny. and nice. and who knows, it might be a good time. i must say that it does feel rather nice to be pursued for once.

:-T

we aren’t doing anything too crazy tonight, this being a work-night for me -- and also a week before the damned bar exam (i sure have been doing a lot of last-minute cramming lately . . . . O_O). but i’m sure we’ll have plenty of good, smart conversation; she’s been to grad school and law school (and dropped out of both), and i do like people who can hold their own, and then some, when it comes to discussing anything. i think what i need to do is just let go and ride the tide and see what happens. right?

but i can't help my lack of enthusiasm. i'm not attracted to her. and i just . . . kinda wish she were someone else.

:-T

but it'll be fun. really. it will. fun, fun, fun. nothing but fun. gads of fun.

fun.

. . . .

*sigh* okay, whatever. just wish me luck tonight. first-date details to be provided (of course) on the morrow.

/:-|

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

update as of 3:45 p.m.

okay, so now i'm nervous. what the hell am i going to wear??

O_O

exorcising demons

*poof!*

deleted.

demons exorcised. i think i feel better now.

:-T

accepting weaknesses and flaws

for each of the times i took the bar (what am i on now -- like, twenty attempts? :-T), i usually tended to feel at least a tiny bit of moral imperative to study my ass off and try my best -- and i guilt-tripped whenever i felt my discipline slipping out of my grasp.

now . . . ?

i really don't feel any of those things. no moral imperative, no sense of discipline.

i officially don't care anymore.

i distinguish this sentiment from "giving up." i am not "giving up." "giving up" implies a sense of defeat. i do not feel defeated a' tall.

i just don't care.

:)

the moral i take from this entire experience of having perpetually taken the bar and failed it every time is that anything i pursue, from here on out, must mean something to me. i cannot be pursuing things for the sake of other people and their happiness. i must want to do it for myself.

this is exactly what one of the bar review instructors from that bar prep class i took last winter said when he goaded and taunted us repeaters just for sitting there in the class. he told us that if we didn't envision our goals and did not have a clear cut plan for what we wanted to do with our license once we passed the bar exam, then we did not deserve to pass.

i take exception to the word "deserve." but i still understand his point.

it's odd, you know. except for a very few number of people (maybe 2), i haven't told anyone else that i did not pass last february's exam. and yet people know. no one's asked me about it at all.

for instance, at a recent family gathering, none of my relations asked me about it -- whereas they were always quick to ask and talk about it before. of course, it helped that, whenever i felt the conversation was veering too close to the topic of practicing law, etc., i made sure to change the subject.

i hope i'm not contradicting myself. no, i totally no longer care about the bar exam. but no, i also don't want to talk about it.

. . . .

:-T

based on everything i've mentioned here about realizing how important it is to pursue only those things that are meaningful to me, it should be clear-cut as to what i ought to decide in regards to the great Decision, huh?

i think, at heart, i've already decided what i'll do, even if my mind can't quite grasp it at this point.

but that's okay. i still have the summer to enjoy. and i have all the time in the world to think about things.

after next week, there are a gazillion races i want to do. but i'm now interested in looking outside my city for races. i'd like to travel to some random city that i've never visited before in my life -- chicago, st. george, austin, portland -- and just do some random race and hang out as a tourist for the weekend.

hopefully i get a chance to do this at least once before the summer ends.

:)

speaking of, i have to mention that one of my celebrity crushes is uma thurman. she got my attention when i first saw the film henry and june, which is based on diaries maintained by anais nin regarding her relationship with henry miller and his wife as they hung out in paris during the early twentieth century.

the sexiest scene in the film, in my opinion, is when, some time after they meet and develop an attraction for each other, june takes anais to a dingy lesbian bar in the dead of night (through eerie evening fog, to boot) and then leads her onto the dancefloor where they start dancing together slowly with june gazing intently into anais' eyes.

*swooning at the memory of the scene*

to this day, i love uma, and i especially dig her in the kill bill series.

but i especially love her because she's just real (okay, and also because she's gorgeous and statuesque, and because i have a soft spot for hot blond chicks). and so i wasn't very happy when the tabloids started giving her a bad time for this recent picture that was taken by the paparazzi while she was on vacay:

so she's got a tummy. BEE EFF DEE! i still think she's gorgeous, especially because of it! and it actually makes me feel good about my tummy. :)

moral of the story: we've got to embrace our flaws. for me, that means accepting that being a practicing attorney is not in the cards -- and also that it's okay for me to have a tummy. my tummy may not be as cute as uma's -- but hey, if uma can show hers proudly, then i sure can, too.

:)

that's what friends are for. and stuff

i’m not the person who has any good advice or insight about the bar exam.

obviously. i've failed it every time i tried to take it.

:-T

i’m tired of it. i hate it. i’m done with it. i’m over it.

but of course, i’m still taking it this month.

to tell the truth, and if it is not obvious by my lack of posting about it, i actually have only been studying rather half-heartedly. i try to put the time in, but i have only done, for instance, a fraction of the number of mbe practice questions that i did for the last february exam. some evenings, i don’t study at all – mostly because i’m exhausted from the work-day and don’t want to exert any more energy than i have to before crawling into bed for the evening.

do i know stuff? yeah.

do i feel confident about stuff? no.

but i hope that doesn't discourage first-time takers who happen to read me. yes, i'm totally a pessimist regarding the bar -- but that doesn't mean you should be! it's just me. . . . if you've put the time in to study, and you've seriously put in the effort to see how you've progressed during your study and to improve those areas that need improving, you're in a good spot, and you've increased your own chances of passing exponentially.

hope that helps, anonymous. no te preocupes mucho!! it's natural to stress out, but don't let the stress overwhelm you. when the exam comes, you'll see that the essay questions really are straight-forward, and so long as you keep your answers structured and clear, you'll be fine. keep on practicing a few questions each day from here on out, then just chill the monday before. :)

here at work, everything has been moving at a really brisk pace. i used to at least be able to squeeze some studying in during breaks or lulls in the work-day, but now that i have this new office b.f.f., we have been hanging out a lot when we’re not at our desks working.

i just don’t have that same desire to pass that i had before.

i definitely should have realized this before forking over the dough to take the exam again – and to buy a fucking new laptop, too.

yeah. the new laptop explains why i am now short of funds (again) for the remainder of the month. i had taken my other laptop in to that infernal place from which i will never buy a laptop or warranty again during the early part of june; was reassured that i would at least get a call-back and report on the status of my ‘puter and the repairs that were needed within one week, then two; then because they did not call me at all, i had to start calling them on a daily basis starting at day 10 just to get the status of what the hell was going on with my laptop; and to this day, over a month later, i still have no idea what’s going on with my own ‘puter.

of course, i started pseudo-freaking out about a week and a half ago because i hadn’t downloaded ExamSoft yet and started fearing the possibility that not getting my laptop back in time would require me to start hand-writing my essays at the bar. so i said FUCK IT and got myself a nice little laptop for $ 700, plus a one-year warranty.

i think i am demonstrating my rather impetuous spending habits here. and i am slightly ashamed. but damn me, i at least now have peace of mind that i will at least have a laptop for the exam like i had originally signed up for!

and to this day, that damned, infernal place still has my laptop, and i don’t understand why. the problem (the blue screen of death and replacement of the ram) seems to be fixed. but the nerdy techies don’t speak very good english and tend to like talking fast and slurring their words anyway, so even if they tried to explain to me clearly what the fuck is going on (which they don’t anyway), i still wouldn’t have a clue what the hell they’re talking about.

>:-P

anyhow.

:-T

my new laptop is pretty cool, though. even better than the one i took in for repairs, despite the fact that i bought that one only last year. this new one's got 3 gb ram, 200 gb hard drive, compact 14” screen (i like it smaller). hp model instead of toshiba (i’m finally learning my lesson with toshiba . . . ). hopefully this new one will last me longer than just a frickin’ year!!

O_o

something else that kind of peeves me (okay, not just “kind of” – but peeves me a lot) is the fact that people can be so dismissive about my desire to go back to grad school. i don’t tell very many people as it is about the Decision i have to make by the end of the year. and yet some of the few people i have told just don’t get why anyone would want to go to get a doctorate.

“so you just want to go to school for the rest of your life?!” they ask incredulously. “you want to be a professional student?!”

seriously. those kinds of questions are now on par, in terms of how frickin’ annoyed i get, as the questions, “where are you from? no, where are you really from?” and “what are you?”

>:-|

it’s the sort of reaction that makes me not want to tell anyone anything anymore. you know? like, getting a ph.d. is obviously something that is important to me – otherwise i wouldn’t always talk about it or have applied for programs or be taking the time to really think the Decision through right now. it is a huge thing for me. and so when people are dismissive or insulting, whether intentionally or unintentionally so, i just find it, well, kind of rude. i wouldn’t do that to anyone!

for instance, my new office b.f.f. is 23 and a college drop-out. for her, school is a waste of time; she’d rather spend her days doing something productive than just sit in class and be bored. but she is young, and while she respects me for having more than just a bachelor’s degree, i know she also feels self-conscious for not having a bachelor’s degree herself.

now, i’m the type of person who would relish the chance to gloat over people i think are idiots and can’t stand by rubbing all my degrees in their faces – not for any good reason except for the fact that i can’t stand ‘em and would jump at the chance to rub shit in their faces.

but with my office b.f.f., i empathize with her because school can be a waste of time, and it certainly isn’t for everyone. plus, she has found success in other ways; seriously, there’s more than one way to skin a cat.

so because i like her and have come to be quite fond of her, i just make sure to keep encouraging her and show her all the ways that she has been and is successful. because that’s what friends do. that’s what people who care about your happiness do. they see the good in you and help you see and be aware of and remember your strengths. they don’t ridicule you for how you’ve lived your life up to this point, nor do they make you feel like your dreams and goals are stupid and a waste of time.

it does explain why i have so few friends anymore. i just get so let down and disappointed with how other people are. even if they don’t mean what they say or think about things before saying them, i just like and prefer to be around people who are a bit more conscientious and aware.

it’s not that i want people to kiss my butt (although i wouldn’t mind if they did . . . ). and it’s not that i want people to always agree with me, either (that would certainly be no fun – although if they tell me i am right, every now and then, that’d be awesome . . . ). but i don’t want to be around people who cut me down in those little ways. seriously, i’ve got better things to do than put up with shit like that.

ya know?

yeah, i sound mean. i sound like i’m hard-core mean and bitchy.

it’s just that i don’t want to settle when it comes to people anymore. i don’t want to abide by any flaky, unsupportive, selfish, or moronic people anymore. in the past, what i have done was try to accept and like people as they were – and i found myself getting all cut up and burned because all those negative qualities they had that i had tried to accept ended up getting turned on me.

so forget all that. i try not to do that anymore. i still try to be accepting of people and get to know them on their terms. but once you cut me, i cut you off. period.

well, okay, that’s the goal, anyway. to be meaner, i mean.

after all, as much as i'd like to, i can’t be a happy-go-lucky abbagirl forever. . . .

:-T

cocoon, sweet cocoon

the morning was cold and breezy today, although it eventually warmed up quite well by the afternoon. i listened to some jack johnson on my way to work this morning. his music really puts me in a mellow mood. i truly dig his style and his low, reassuring voice. it is loose, laid-back, and lilting; you can’t help but let yourself relax, sink down even more comfortably in the driver’s seat, and bob your head to the music.

work is still going ultra-cool lately. i’m still getting along pretty well with everyone i meet – to the point where people are calling me the “social butterfly.”

me? social butterfly? not even!

i just happen to be able to talk with most folks. i don’t stick to one type of people. and it’s not like i’m trying to be a social butterfly. but when people say hi, i just say hi back. and then one thing leads to another, and ta-da! there you go, a conversation gets underway.

but some of the co-workers with whom i’ve gotten to be friends with call me a social butterfly anyway. me, i just call it being polite and friendly.

:-T

because of my alleged social butterfly status, it somehow fell upon me to organize an after-work social event for some of the under-35 and/or no-kids crowd. some of the other rank-n’-file people here who have been here for longer than me have been jonesing for an after-work night out for drinks but just never had the nerve to start getting friendlier with everyone else or ask co-workers if they want to hang out after work.

you know how it is. this being a professional office, all the rank-n’-file people are totally consumed by the daily grind of the 8-to-5 to the point where their personal life – friendships, relationships, etc. – start being affected. i totally empathize, especially as a single, working grrl myself; being at the grind just makes you too exhausted to hang out with your usual crowd, date, and do other types of activities that us single folks should otherwise do.

so that’s why some of these folks here have been jonesing to try to hang out after work. here at the office, we meet all sorts of cool people our age, but it’s a professional environment. plus, in our particular building, all the units are unique unto themselves; there’s not a lot of “mixing.”

couple all that with the fact that they're all rather shy (some of them surprising so, too, like laotian girl! 0_0) and rather passive.

now, i’m truly not a social butterfly. i’m totally anti-social. leave me alone to read a riveting work of non-fiction or my google feedreader or the most recent jcrew, urbanoutfitter, or delia catalogue i've gotten in the mail, and i’m just a happy camper.

but because of my unique status when i first stated working here (being loosely assigned to one of the Important People in the building and having to work with other units), i was able to interact and meet with all sorts of people from various parts of the building, including other Important People and other rank-n’-file peeps around my age. it was eventually noted by some of my peers that i happened to be saying hi to quite a few people in the halls (like, what, i can't be nice and friendly to other people??). so when other people started discussing the topic of “wouldn’t it be cool if we all could hang out over drinks after work one of these days and get to know people better?”, it somehow got delegated to me to do all the arranging and decision-making and inviting.

0_0

but thus far, the task of organizing it hasn't been that hard. i guess.

:-T

i just find it kinda funny. of all the people who have expressed an interest in doing this, i'm the one with the least amount of tenure at that office. and yet i'm the one who sort of got the ball rolling.

should be a fun time, though. we're doing it this week and will just see how it goes. the response has been positive so far, and i do like them all and think they're all pretty cool peeps, despite the cold heart of stone residing in this chest of mine.

my b.f.f. at the office, the viet girl, keeps saying that people just tend to be "drawn" to me. i can't tell whether she's making fun of me or not because she says it with such a straight face. . . .

i'm not a social butterfly.

no, not i.

i'm just a girl who'd rather stay in the cocoon. really.

:-T

the Decider decides

a while ago, i mentioned that i had made a Decision.

a Momentous Decision.

you know. about whether to do Grad School next year or continue on with my job.

but actually, that wasn't completely true. . . .

yes, i made a Decision.

but the Decision was actually a Decision to . . . .

. . . postpone the Decision for a while longer.

:-T

yup. i decided to defer admissions. deferring gives me more time to make the Decision.

:-]

it works out in my favor. i can use the rest of the year to continue to ponder and weigh the merits of continuing to stay on at my job -- or to start my ph.d program this next january.

deferment of admissions only lasts for a semester. so if i didn't start school in january, i pretty much reject that offer of admissions that was extended to me, and i'd have to re-apply again next year if i wanted to be in that program for the 2009-'10 school-year.

it's such a cop-out, isn't it? but it shouldn't be surprising for a cowardly, indecisive person like me. at the same time, my little cop-out decision gives me, at least temporarily, a little breathing room to weigh pros and cons and see what benefits my current job could potentially hold for me in the months to come -- or even years to come, if i decided to stay on.

plus, i must say it doesn't hurt to actually be making dough and not have to stress out about every penny in my possession.

:-T

since the time that i notified my program of my desire to defer, i've vacillated quite a bit in the decision-making process.

on some days, i feel quite certain that i'll be starting school and going to classes again once the new year starts.

on other days, i get glimpses of the great care and guidance that the chain of command at my office has exhibited towards me. like, i seriously am being singled out and groomed and given opportunities that make me fully aware that the powers that be want me there permanently. i get an inordinate amount of pride at this, coupled with my usual self-deprecating sense of modesty, and it also instills me a sense of duty and loyalty. like, hell! the last thing i want to do is bite the hand that has been feeding me.

i know for a fact that they're going out of their way for me. it boggles my mind. like, why me?

in a way, i like it. it's quite flattering. and it makes me want to live up to their every expectation.

but in a way, i think i would have been just as fine at the job i originally applied for but didn't get due to all this shuffling. Big Cheese was impressed with me, based on statements provided by my interviewers after that interview, so he suggested that i be offered the public relations job instead. but you know, i would have been more than content at the other job with its lower profile. drafting out regs, legislative proposals, researching. it's low-key, and the office is actually a crowded space (four or five people stuffed into a working space the size of a typical bedroom). but at least i wouldn't have grown an attachment to the folks at the helm, a sense of obligation.

Decisions. i never was good at making Decisions. a lot of people think that my desire to return to school for my ph.d is so unrealistic. they are in a state of disbelief about it. isn't it better to be making money in a comfortable job, rather than waste a long period of time in school again?

it'll require a huge sacrifice on my part, i know. i can't articulate fully all the reasons why i want my ph.d. i just want it. it represents one of the higher pinnacles of intellectual achievement that one can achieve. studying whatever i want, piecing together ideas, writing about my ideas, presenting them -- and also getting three months off in the summers -- fuck me, but what a way to go!!

people are always aghast when i tell them how much i loved school. but it's not so much that i enjoyed school itself -- rather, it's that i enjoyed what it has always allowed me to do: freely engage my mind in topics i enjoyed, enlighten myself, and be creative with ideas. seriously, that's when i feel the greatness of what it is to be human, to engage my mind and just ponder about the human condition.

if i don't make the Decision to go to grad school, that does not mean i'm closing off that possibility altogether forever and ever. it just means that it will be postponed because the situation at work remains favorable and hopeful enough for me to want to linger on for a while longer and see what happens.

you know that poem by robert frost about two roads diverging in a yellow wood and how the narrator gets seriously engrossed in the dilemma of which way to go?

well, i don't want to have to choose which road to take. i'm actually more than content to find myself a spot right at the fork to sit down on and just marvel that i now have two paths before me from which to choose.

i just wanna be able to enjoy my good fortune that i have these two options, both of which i think i could truly kick ass at.

so i'll be chilling and enjoying mulling the possibilities and the potentialities.

in the meantime, all i can say is . . .

at the very least, i HOPE i'll have come to a decision by at least december . . .

:-T

a very agreeable summer

haven't posted in a long time -- but seriously, it's not for wont of trying! i've had a lot to say -- but for some reason, i've also been having trouble saying them. . . .

but i think i'm good now.

:-T

life has seriously been great so far. this has been the summer that i feel like i've always wanted. it's been chill, challenging, fun, exuberant.

work has me keeping busy. i don't do anything, like, hard. but it's still time-consuming and engrossing, and i'm left completely spent at the end of the day. this new boss of mine gives me enough crap work to keep busy. . . .

my boss is generally a somber fellow. he's also huge. like, a giant. not fat. just big. his hands are more than twice the size of mine. when i see him at his computer, i often marvel at how his thick fingers manage to type on the right keys. there are unexpected bursts of humor from him but always issued in the same serious monotone he employs when he has his mind on the business at hand. for instance, after lunch today, he stopped by my cube and asked me if i had a mint. of course, i have a gazillion starlight mints (the urge to smoke has gone away, but not my craving for them mints!), so i gave him a handful.

another co-worker happened to be passing by, and she noticed our exchange. "ugh!" she said in mock disgust and waving a hand underneath her nose. "are you the one who's causing up a stink 'round here with that breath?" she asked my boss.

without missing a beat, my boss said, "is it that bad? but why don't you pull my finger and see what else i can stink up?"

O_O

sorry. but that had me giggling. haven't i mentioned on this blog how much i love fart jokes and all?

;)

but my boss' sense of humor is just so unexpected -- and so incongruous with his usual mannerisms. i feel like i've always gotta be on my toes so that i can catch and understand whatever surprise quip comes out of him.

otherwise, for the most part, he's mr. serious. and he's got me working pretty hard lately.

so far, my co-workers are generally pretty cool in my new area. my cube is off to the side, so i can actually do my own thing and keep to myself. but the people who i do share breaks and chit-chat with are pretty cool peeps. there are actually more people closer to my age in this new area than there were in the executive office, so i'm actually having more fun in this new area (despite working feverishly on the projects my new boss has assigned to me) than i had upstairs.

i still miss having my own office, though. with a door and everything!

O_O

i was glad this past weekend was a three-day weekend. on friday, i did a 10k race -- it was hella fun! my fourth of the year/summer! there are three more local races that i would do this month -- if i didn't have the bar exam. . . .

dammit. fucker!

O_o

i had a belated birthday present on saturday. it is FANFUCKINGTASTIC! my next post will (i think) be about it. or soon -- i will share what it is soon.

:)

but man, i really love summer. summer summer summer! here in norcal, it's been 100+ degrees, and the air is full of the soot from those fires that are still raging in fairfield and other areas. but already this is a summer to remember, for the good and the bad, the planned and the unplanned. . . .

why can't it always be like this?

:-T

a conversation with my mom

"look at my skin," my mom said to me, leaning in close to me and rubbing at her cheek with her fingers. "i'm using a new lotion, and it makes my face look good! no more wrinkles!"

i obediently obliged and leaned forward, peering at her face in the area she indicated. "yeah," i said affably. "your skin looks great."

"i don't look my age!" my mom said triumphantly. "no one ever thinks i'm fifty-blank years old!"

"it's because you're asian," i replied to her in an exaggeratedly patient tone, as if that explained everything.

"if you say so," my mom said doubtfully, disdainfully.

"it's funny," i mused out loud to her, kind of absent-mindedly. "at work, i tend to hang out with a couple of twenty-three year olds and one twenty-one year old. one of them asked me how old i was today when we were having lunch. when i answered him, they all said they would never have thought i was much older than them -- they said i act and look as if i were much more closer to their age!"

"we don't act our age," my mom said.

i agreed. "yeah," i told my mom. "you're kind of goofy."

"no, i'm not," my mom said, slightly affronted. "but there is no mom who is as fun as me, huh? there is no mom who does the things i do!"

"very true," i said reassuringly. "it's 'cause you're goofy." i smiled laughingly at her.

"no, i'm not," said my mom.

"yes, you are," i said.

"no, i'm not.

today's the day

:)