triangles

i'm having a bit of a guilty conscience right now. the kind which you get when you know you have to do something -- it can be important or mundane, but you know you gotta do it -- and instead of getting it done, you let yourself get distracted by other things and then ultimately rationalize your failure to act or complete a duty.

this is one of those times for me.

:-T

i don't got it together. i'm not doing the things that i need to do.

and it's hard to care because the consequences are not yet here for me to deal with.

i've decided (yet again) that i'm not going to get distracted by my feelings for dimples. i keep talking myself into believing that there are glimmers of hope for me and her. but i've decided that i gotta ignore those glimmers and not misplace my faith into things that i'm not even certain about. i gotta move on and just let it go. if she has a change in heart, then she will have to just spit it out. in the mean time, i ain't gonna keep trying to read into things. it's just so draining. . . .

anyhoo. new drama unfolds.

so there's this older chick at work whom i've kinda always been attracted to. she has an amazing physique, a mild, laid-back manner, and she and i hit it off from the start. my mind and dialogue go at a much faster pace than hers; and in fact, i'll tend to accidentally interrupt her because i'll want to say things faster than she can respond to them. but i've tried to be careful of that, and the more we became friends, the better i've been able to just stop, slow down, and pause in order to give her that time to reflect before responding.

except for the difference in pace, we just have so many things in common and lots of things to always talk about. and there has been a latent chemistry. we have been alone together only a couple of times outside of work, but on those occasions, the chemistry flared up a little more than usual.

i was sure she felt the strong vibes between us and yet not really sure. after all, she had a girlfriend already. her girlfriend is preggers. with twins. i would not want to be going and interfering with that.

these past couple of weeks, though, she's been kind of reaching out to me a little bit more than usual. whereas before, we would just chit-chat only at work, with a rare text message here and there outside of work, she has lately been text messaging me a lot. outside of work. at night. beyond the hours of what would be proper between two purely friendly co-workers.

i, of course, tell dimples everything, and when the text messages started increasing in frequency, i told her it all. as soon as she heard what was going on, she was convinced. "she wants you," was her immediate conclusion.

i hemmed and hawed. i wasn't entirely sure. but as time passed, even though the text messages never said anything suggestive, dimples was able to surmise what was going on. "she's unhappy. she's having trouble with her girlfriend. you told me she was kind of a bitch, right?" i had. "yeah, so now she is lookin' to stray!"

that was dimples' conclusion on the matter.

well. turns out dimples was right after all.

i haven't exactly been propositioned or anything. but there is indeed trouble in paradise. no overtures have been made to me explicitly, but dimples is convinced that, if i were to be alone with this other co-worker i've been attracted to, the co-worker is going to try to seduce me. and dimples has been telling me that i should go for it and let myself be seduced.

"what about the pregnant girlfriend?" i keep asking.

dimples keeps waving a dismissive hand to that question. "that's not your problem," is her answer. "it's her problem. you aren't doing anything wrong. that's her girlfriend, and it's all on her if she chooses to cheat on her. but you've been telling me all this time that you're attracted to her. i personally don't find her that hot, but i know you do. so i think you should go for it."

obviously, the temptation is there -- otherwise, i wouldn't be thinking and blogging about it.

and dimples shot down another protest i had made. i'd said, "but wouldn't it be wrong of me to fuck her just like that? i'd feel wrong. i'd feel like i was taking advantage of her vulnerability. i'm not like that!"

to which dimples had vehemently asserted: "are you serious? are you sure you'd be the one taking advantage? what is she doing to you right now? who's the vulnerable one?"

and because dimples has been right on everything so far, i will just go ahead and believe that what she spouts is the truth.

i just. . . .

i have so many doubts in my mind -- most notably because it is dimples i want, and i would gladly forbear hooking up with this other co-worker forever if i could be with dimples in the way that she says she is not ready for mainly because of her dedication to her daughter, whom she is raising mostly as a single parent.

and yet she hasn't touched me in two months. she talks about us in the past tense, except as to regards our friendship. and other than those times i've caught her staring at me, she is encouraging me to see and fuck other girls just like any other friend would.

i can't keep waiting around for her. because what if there is nothing to wait for after all? what if she really is done with me? i kind of want to just ask her straight out and just be done with all this wondering. but i know i'd feel slagged and stabbed through the heart if the answer was "yes, we are utterly and completely over." for the most part, i am not ready to hear that yet.

and it just sucks that we have this kind of relationship. on, off -- up, down -- friends, lovers, then just friends again, and back to fuck buddies, and then just friends once more. what a whirlwind. but her demeanor is different now. whereas there was a lot of leeway in how she expressed herself and regarded me, now it looks like the door is shut for good. and i don't get why that is.

i just don't get it.

so it's over. i gotta believe it's over. i must not get my hopes up.

it's over.

as for the other co-worker. i'll see what unfolds. i'm curious as to whether she will try to seduce me, as dimples is so sure she will, or whether she just needs a friend to talk to about her relationship problems. if she needs a friend, i will be there for her. if she needs a friend who will console her both verbally and also physically . . . well, i don't know. like i said, i'm totally attracted to her. we both attended a party after work -- no significant others were allowed -- and we pretty much ended up having eyes only for each other. we both had a drink or two and just got wrapped up in talking with each other. even though i was buzzed, i still remember how the close proximity with her made me feel. we didn't talk about anything even remotely inappropriate or suggestive. but speaking with her, being near her, looking into her eyes -- if she wanted to throw me down right then and there and start fucking me, i would not have had any problem with it. in fact, i would have just gone ahead and been shameless about it.

dyke drama.

yeah. i know.

:-T

having it bad

when does one stop wanting another who doesn't want her back?

i don't know what i'm doing -- other than continuing to torture myself. my most dearest, my most favorite, my often most arrogant and ingratiating best friend. dimples. the girl with whom i know i should not be in love anymore but whom to this day continues to hold all my attention and affection.

i see her more than anyone else now. i hang out with her a lot, i speak with her a lot, i e-mail and text her often, and she unhesitatingly and freely engages with me as well. we are each other's best friend. we complement each other -- she is fiery, passionate, and blunt whereas i am more subdued, thoughtful, and less quick to express an opinion unless i can mince words a little better.

maybe that's why i haven't been able to fall out of love with her. we see each other too often -- and every time i see her or talk with her, i only find more things about her to appreciate.

i haven't even tried to broach the subject of "us" with her again. "what 'us'?" i can imagine her saying bluntly. "are you going crazy again? we're not together, and we're not supposed to be together. why are we going through this again?"

and yet there really is an "us."

we have done quite a few things together -- including a day of binge drinking and all sorts of laid-back excessiveness this past friday. today, she told me that she recounted to some co-workers about our friday adventures, and their reaction was to teasingly wonder aloud, "wow -- you and abbagirl sure have been doing a lot of stuff lately. what's the story with that?" but she told me that the co-workers' eyes were wondering silently what their words did not say -- that perhaps there was more to our relationship than met the eye.

dimples is not the most perfect girl in the world. she might not even be the most beautiful. but she is beautiful and perfect to me, even as i see all her flaws -- her hot temper, her tendency to be quick to react and judge, her slight stomach pouch. she comes down hard on me for the things about me that she can't stand, and it usually tends to make me mad. but all these things are her.

i know i gotta let it go, though. it's just been harder to do than to say, what with all the times we've spent together these past few months and with me unable to help myself from finding more and more things about her to love and appreciate. i can't help it -- ya know? it's that one weakness i've always had that is truly kicking my lovelorn ass right now -- that tendency to find the good in others and trust and appreciate that goodness.

she loves me, too, i know. she'd be there for me, no matter what. she's just not in love with me.

this past week or so, though, i've caught her looking at me a few times when i wasn't looking. the first time it happened, i thought it was a fluke. i thought she was lost in thought. but it's happened at least one or two more times. i'd be looking elsewhere, and when my eyes came back to her, i'd find her looking at me, watching. when i looked back into her eyes, she didn't pull her gaze from mine but would look at me for a brief few seconds before i'd pull my eyes away and find a random question to ask her.

i don't know what's going on with that gaze of hers. i can't decipher the meaning or intentions behind it. i don't want to read too much into it, though -- read the opposite of what i already believe to be true -- because that would just fuck me up all over again; cause me to put faith in a hope that would, in turn, lead me to get emotionally vulnerable and fucked up like i was before.

but it can't be something bad, either, that causes her to look at me like that. i don't discern anything . . . bad from it.

i don't know. . . . my longing for her isn't so bad as to cause me to no longer want to be friends with her. i love being around her and her kid. i miss them both when i'm not around them. i think about them, especially her, when i'm just going through my daily motions. and i still fantasize about her. i remember her kiss on my lips, her wetness on my fingers, her mouth on my nipple, her taste on my tongue, her fingers finding me, her delirious moans filling my ears. . . .

the memories . . . are enough to make me start feeling warm all over . . . .

but no. it's over. dwelling on all these things . . . never did anyone any good. the past is done. and friends we must remain -- great friends we shall forever be.

no, i'm not in love with her. no, she has not been staring at me lately. no, i don't remember what being with her is like. . . .

i've got it bad, huh?

yeah. i know.

taking things too personally

dimples and i made plans earlier this week to take her kid to the zoo.

we solidified the plans yesterday. "so the zoo," she said when she saw me at work, "we still on?"

"for sure," i said. i like the zoo.

later in the day, towards the end of work, she sent me an e-mail: "pizza and beer tonight? i know we both have had a tough week."

i apologized. "i'm sorry," i said in my reply. "but there's that co-worker retirement party tonight. i have to go!:

"oh, yeah," she wrote back. "i totally forgot."

i sent another reply: "i'm sorry. but a raincheck for sure?"

i know she got it before she left work that day. but she didn't respond.

today, she had a doctor's appointment. but earlier in the week, she had said that she would be done with the appointment by 11:30 and that we could go to the zoo by then.

i got out of bed at 9. i was tired from staying late at the retirement party -- it had been fun -- but i was looking forward to the zoo.

10 a.m.

11 a.m.

12 p.m.

1 p.m.

at 1:30 p.m., i texted her. i wrote: "hope your dr.'s appt went well. we still on for the zoo?"

a few minutes later, i got her reply: "dr.'s appontment went good. i didn't think you'd be up for the zoo. but am leaving soon and can pick you up, since you are on the way."

i got pissed. what made her think, between yesterday and today, that i would not be "up" for going to the zoo? "no thanks," was my retort. "good thing i asked; otherwise would have continued sitting around and waiting all day. hope you guys have fun."

she sent back another message: "are you serious. dude, i have had a terrible morning. i can't deal. i didn't do it on purpose."

i wrote back: "i'm sorry you had a terrible morning, i really am. still, it would have been nice to know that i wasn't gonna be going after all or that you decided i would not be up for it. for sure, you should go and hopefully make your day change for the better."

since then, no reply.

now, i ain't done nothing wrong. i think i have every right to be miffed that she would change the plans on me a day after we had both agreed to go to the zoo. wtf.

i think she is getting back at me for not being there for her yesterday, when she made that offer of beer and pizza. but it's not like she hadn't known about that retirement party. it's been nothing but the talk of the office these past few weeks. people were stoked and excited about it. she forgot about it, yes. but i r.s.v.p.ed for the event. it was for a lady with whom i had been good friends with. i'm sorry that i could not have hung out with dimples for the night. but why does she have to punish me by changing plans at the last minute without even telling me?

but i know she does that. it's not the first time she's taken initiative to think and presume things about other people. she's changed plans on me before like this, under the guise that she didn't think i was "up" for something -- but really, it was more of a chance for her to lick her own wounds and retreat.

i shouldn't care. it serves her right. she has hurt me too many times to count, often without realizing it. i usually let things slide. today, a part of me urged me to take a softer approach and just let her know, after telling me that she had thought i wouldn't be "up" for the zoo, that it was all good, she should have fun, and not make a big deal out of it.

but i was pissed. i hate it when she does that. and all because i went to a retirement party that i'd r.s.v.p.ed for two weeks ago! good hell!

whatever happened to things being all good as between friends? i had this very discussion with her recently, maybe a month ago. i was talking about how an older dyke lady (the one whose retirement party i attended last night) had invited me out several times over the course of a weekend and that i had demurred each invitation because i had other plans. it was really awkward for me to politely refuse each overture. i didn't want to hurt her feelings -- but i did have other plans and plus i really didn't want to go hang out with her like that in certain, more intimate, one-on-one situations. well, the dyke lady punished me thereafter by being crusty and cold to me through the remaining weeks until the day of her final departure. last night, though, she was her old self again, which was nice. but dimples and i had had the conversation about why the dyke lady had taken it so personally that i'd said no. "if we were really friends," we agreed, "then it should be no problem to say no to hanging out. we just say to ourselves, 'fine -- let's try to find something to do together later on.' we don't take it personally."

but guess who can't seem to follow her own rules?

i'm still mad. i hate having changes made to plans that were supposed to be solid. i think it's rude to just change plans and not even tell me about it. but i'm also mad because i know when i see her next, i'm the one who is going to end up being on the defensive. i don't know how to argue with dimples. she also turns things on their head, and i am never prepared for the rationalizations she makes. so i know that i will end up scrambling and looking guilty, which will then be evidence for her that i really was never up to go to the zoo in the first place.

*groan*

what a horrid week. i need to calm down. my left eyelid is twitching.

i'm gonna go for a drive.

going psycho

i'm in a really bad mood right now.

just half an hour ago, i was angry. angry enough to want to hit someone. to throw a tantrum. start slamming things to the ground. break shit.

now, while the anger is still there, i just feel hella quiet right now. my mind is racing. my heartrate has barely quelled. i am in that in-betwixt space of going psycho and being emotionally drained enough to hide my face in the pillows and call it a night.

i am mad. frustrated. powerless. stuck. milked dry. i really don't know if i've got anything left.

i think i need to take a mental day tomorrow. just call in to work and say, "hey, i can't come in. i need to take care of me today."

i need to take care of me. because i know no one else ever will.

i'm one of those people who is always happy to help. happy to assist. happy to go out of her way. happy to make life easier for others.

where the happiness runs dry is when my help is taken for granted. it is expected. and i'm not allowed to have that recognition from others of the extra effort i have to put forth in order to be there for others.

i'm just frustrated as hell by it. i'm sick as fuck of the fact that there are a lot of people in my life right now who don't make a fucking effort to do anything. who don't fucking care. who are content to watch me stretch and strain to get everything done for them and for others without even asking me if i am okay.

that's all i ask. consideration. regard. you don't have to fucking help. but at least acknowledge the efforts i make for your benefit, to make your life easier, and i will be fine.

but as it is, my life is getting so fucked up. my priorities are all wrong. i have got a gazillion things that i have to do for myself, endeavors that i sought to open and that are now open before me. but instead of being able to take care of my shit, i gotta do all this shit for others.

and i shouldn't bitch about it, because i have asked for all this; i pretty much asked to be the go-to person for everyone and their mothers. but i seriously can't take it anymore. i can't go on like this, sacrificing my own priorities for the sake of getting the petty priorities of others done.

i can't do this. i don't know what i'm going to do . . . . but this can't go on. i need to establish limits and demarcate the amount of time and the effort i will expend to help others, and then use my time to get my shit done.

i'm going crazy with how things are and have been.

it's not cool to make people feel the way i do right now.