sick

D U D E .

i've been sick! it's been heinous.

i went home early last thursday because i wasn't feeling well and called in sick on friday. i called in sick on monday, yesterday, and also stayed home today because it's a state holiday.

i just feel so, so, so crappy.

i don't think i'm ready to go back to work tomorrow. but i must. i'll try to do at least half a day, then probably ask for the rest of the day off. i went to visit my doctor today to get a diagnosis and some meds. my doctor took a culture and said the lab will let me know by tomorrow if i've got strep throat or not. she also prescribed for me some meds that will help me get a good night's sleep without coughing. i'll test it out tonight and see if it works . . . .

going to the doctor's office today inspired me to brush my hair for the first time in five days. my voice has vacillated between disappearing completely or being sex predator-like raspy. i just polished off a whole two-liter bottle of canada dry ginger ale; it took me three days, but it's the only thing i can stand to drink; water doesn't help.

i watched a lot of movies the past few days, while lying on my side. it's all a haze. certainly not my most productive time ever, but it was the only thing i could do because i could not otherwise get up out of bed. so i recall watching syriana, the first two matrix movies, the most recent x-files movie i want to believe, iron man, gray matters, sin city, underworld and underworld: evolution. i think i watched a couple more movies than that. but like i said, the past few days have all been just a haze, so i don't remember what else. i didn't have a fever, but i was just, oh, so tired.

the worst of it is my throat. it hurts to do anything -- drink, eat, cough, even swallow my own spit. i've coughed it raw. but i can't help the coughing. and so it goes. the coughs are dry coughs. there isn't enough moisture in my throat to make the coughing easier. i keep drinking alka-seltzer, ginger ale, water, hot water with ginger -- but nothing really works. i just keep sucking at cough drops.

ah, look at me. i'm bitching and griping over my body's woes. seriously, it's been a trying past few days. i think i'm peaking, though. the worst of it is over, and it's all about getting better from here. unfortunately, i think i passed the virus on to my mom. i do hope it's not strep throat . . . . she told me today she was feeling tired and dizzy. "uh oh," i said. "that was me the first two days i felt sick."

ugh. poor mom.

so no, not ready to go back to work tomorrow. but gotta, if only for just a little while. there's a whole pile of work to do, i'm sure. over the weekend, i snuck into the office to get my cell phone charger. while there, i started up my work computer. couldn't help myself. but i just wanted to see if i'd missed anything important. turns out i had 47 new messages, the majority of which were requests for information, new work assignments, or new information for me to release.

aw shit.

and that was only after one day of not being in the office!

so now that i've been out of the office for yet another work day, i'm sure there will be even more bundles of joy waiting for me in my inbox.

luckily, my temporary boss, who has taken over the supervisory position over me while my real boss is on vacay, has been totally cool. she has been supportive about this time i've missed. it's good to have that support.

soo not ready to go to work tomorrow. . . . but i have to.

lessons learned

9 p.m.

i was driving home from a friend's house. i had been invited to spend the day, along with a few other folks, at the friend's house to eat lunch, play video games, chit-chat, and just hang out. we had spent the whole day there, and i was finally looking forward to being able to chill by myself at home.

i barely entered the freeway when i felt my phone buzzing in my back pocket. i pulled it out, half-hoping it was from dimples, from whom i had not heard in two weeks but not really expecting it to be her.

i glanced down at the caller i.d. and saw . . .

it was her.

i hesitated a few seconds, then flipped my phone open. "hello?" i said.

she responded the same way she does every time she calls me and i say, "hello": "abbagirl."

that brought a smile to my face. i started talking animatedly. i was really glad to hear from her. "how have you been?? i haven't heard from you in so long!"

she said she was good. but she blurted out, "i hella miss you!"

i confessed the same.

"there's been so much going on," she said. "and you are my best friend -- and i haven't been able to tell you what's been going on! i can't tell anyone else these things!"

i was so relieved. obviously, i've felt the same way, and it was just so good to hear from her and see that i wasn't the only one who felt that way.

she gave me a brief synopsis of some drama that had been going on with her, and i commiserated. then she demanded, "well, what are you doing right now?"

"i'm just driving home," i said. "nothing more than that."

"you wanna come hang out with my other friend and me?" she asked.

i tried to hem and haw. i could tell from the tone of her voice that she wanted to see me tonight, but it was already 9 and i don't do very well with strangers. but in the end, i acquiesced because, well, i wanted to see her, too.

it is now about 2:30 a.m. the night was low-key and fun. it was nice to meet her other friend, whom i had heard so much about. and obviously i came home alone, so nothing untoward happened.

but . . .

i dunno.

the last time i talked to dimples, i felt very sure that nothing physical would ever happen between us again. i could just feel it in the air between us. it was concrete and explicit.

but tonight, i feel like . . . that door is still open. there is still something between us.

i am going to do my utmost and damnedest to make sure nothing gets complicated between us again. the fact that i could hang out with her tonight and listen to the things she had to say, out of earshot of her friend, and not feel torn up or broken-hearted about it gives me confidence. i still care a lot about her -- and i missed her as much she missed me, if not more. but i know i need to be careful -- and the memories of how things came to pass between us these past few months is more than enough incentive for me to be a little more watchful of things. . . .

i'm just glad that she called me and that we talked. it sucks to feel like you've lost your best friend for good. i'm glad to find my friend again. for me, crazy as it is, that's enough.

a small but unexpected and meaningful gesture

oh, fuck me.

i've had the longest, most harrowing day ever.

when i got home this evening, i was depleted. i tried to lay down to take a nap -- but my heart would not stop racing at its insane beat.

i think i'm stressed out.

my boss has been gone for about two-and-a-half days now. he's scheduled to be out of the office for another eight working days. he has a really common, normal white guy name. i will call him bill. bill is, as i mentioned in my last post, a pretty important cog in the organization i work for, and when he is gone, i become bill. it's not by choice -- i have to. there has to be a bill in the office, whether it's bill himself or his designee; otherwise, things just don't run as fluidly. and (un)fortunately, i have to become bill. i have to be the check-point, the instigator, the coordinator. all things flow through bill. whether bill is actually there or not.

it's gotten to the point where i've gotten so immersed in all that is bill that another manager took to calling me "bill, jr.," rather mockingly but in good-humor. i actually find the nickname quite sweet. it tells me that, even as stressed out as i get when i'm supposed to be bill, people are thinking that i am doing a good job as his temporary replacement when he's gone. but really, being bill, jr., can have its challenges.

as a side note, i always thought the gender of the nickname was interesting -- the fact that a masculine suffix was being added to my boss' name to refer to me. why not "bill-ette" or "bill-ina" or something else with a more feminine sound?

:-T

anyway, so bill, jr., ended up having to really step up her game today. she got assigned a couple of new projects to develop/maintain on top of the four she already had on her plate. that, plus there were other bill-related things she had to take care of today, all at a brusque pace -- hence the fact that bill, jr., is utterly whupped and depleted, yet with a still-racing heart-rate that has not yet quieted down for the day.

:-T

i hope tomorrow is better. but . . . this work-load is not going to be going away. that, plus i have my furl0ugh day this friday, which means i'm staying home, so my work-week will be shortened considerably. . . . this furl0ugh shit just sucks. there is just so much to do and even less time during the month to do them.

it's just not good.

:(

then this afternoon, while still at the office, i found that i had a flat tire. the flat tire was so bad that, at the end of the day, a co-worker from another unit who had already left the building came back in to tell me that my tire looked dire.

i ended up taking my car in to be fixed right after i got out of work. the girl who did my intake at the service shop is a familiar face to me; she's done my intake before. and she was actually bitchy at the time.

but this time, she wasn't. as i took a seat at her desk and gave her my key, i didn't expect her to be pleasant. but she surprised me by asking me how i was. i didn't have it in me to lie or fake it, so i said wearily, "i've had a long day."

she gave my face a long look, then began to do her intake and making suggestions of other things i should have done while the car was in the shop. ten minutes later, we were done. i was getting ready to leave when she said, "do you want anything to drink? coffee? soda? i think we have tea, too."

i started to decline -- but then thought a soda would do me good. "yes," i answered gratefully, "a soda sounds nice. i could use some sugar."

so she walked me back to the refreshment area and gestured to where i could help myself to a soda, chatting with me all the while. "thanks so much," i told her as heartfully as i could.

"no problem!" she said cheerfully, then walked back to her desk.

this is such a small exchange between two people. a month from now, i probably won't remember it. but for today, i regard the small kindness of her offering me a soda as the most genuine and generous gesture i have had given to me all day and what seems like a really long while.

and it made me feel good.

wordless

ugh. i'm feeling pretty heavy and slammed right now.

think i caught a bug from work. it's been winding around the office, infecting people one by one. and now it's my turn.

if i could, i would totally call in sick tomorrow. but you know how it is with us bureaucratic/office employees: we never stay home when we're sick, even when we should. it's our mission to infect everyone else.

:-T

seriously, though, can't. my immediate boss is gone for the next two weeks. people think of me as virtually his doppelganger whenever he's out of the office, and because he's an important cog in the wheel, people always come to him with questions on things. when he's not around, the next best thing (apparently) is me. i don't pretend to have my boss' expertise and knowledge. in fact, it would probably be best and safest if everyone concerned pretended that i was on vacation, too. but as it is, i just do my best and help people along whenever they come to me for questions that they otherwise would ask my boss.

anyhoo, there's a pretty important meeting tomorrow. if i still feel like shit on thursday, i may call in sick. but i don't think i can do so for tomorrow.

:-T

i've got the dropkick murphys' "kiss me, i'm shit-faced" playing in the side-bar of my blog. i love that song. full of macho irish bravado! they rock!

there's a new person in my unit. she's actually been a long-term employee for my department and is of a much higher level than me, but she's new to the nature of the work we do -- lots of paper-pushing and paper-trail creation and maintenance. she's not used to being so sedentary.

anyhow, finally got a chance to chat with her in a personable way this afternoon. turns out we have a lot in common, so it was nice to get to know her. not sure whether i like her yet, but at the very least, i know i'll be able to maintain a positive professional relationship with her -- which is important because not all the upper-level peeps are so easily likeable.

during our conversation, i also got a little gay vibe from her. . . .

but eh, i don't really trust my gay-dar; it's weak as hell, and i'm usually quite wrong.

:-T

speaking of work, violet e-mailed me today. i have absolutely no desire to see her or talk to her right now. in her e-mail, she asked whether i had forgiven her yet and that she hoped so because she misses me.

a part of me thinks it appropriate to fake it, brush aside her apology and say that none is necessary, and try to put aside the utter disregard i currently feel for her for the sake of making her feel better and continuing to be her friend.

but at the same time, that would not be an appropriate action. not if i feel the way i do, which is utterly nothing, for her. it would be pretty untrue to myself and unfair to her for me to just try to resume the friendship again.

i dunno. . . .

i do know it's fucked up of me to not even return her e-mails, though. i feel bad about that. . . .

but even if i wanted to write her back, i just don't know what to say.

people. i think i just need a break from people altogether.

:-T

waving good-bye to bad habits

how does that stupid saying go?

"if you love something, let it go. if it comes back to you, it's yours forever; if it doesn't, then it was never meant to be."

well, the thing i let go has not come back, so screw that, get me a grey goose vodka on the rocks, and i'll go on my merry way.

some people. seriously!

yeah, so it's been over a week since dimples and i last spoke. there have been times when i was starting to crack. i really wanted to be able to talk to her, tell her the latest gossip or happenings that i came across at work, be able to shit-talk about co-workers. but i didn't. it's all a matter of pride at this point. i'm not going to reach out to someone who doesn't think i'm worth reaching out to in return.

that being said, we have waved good-bye to each other twice. last week, after work, we were both already in our cars pulling out into traffic. i saw her and was going to ignore her, but she honked her horn and smiled and waved at me. i waved back. like, what was i going to do -- not wave back?

:-T

then today, same situation -- except this time, i honked at her and waved. i figured i should reciprocate. she waved back.

and that was that.

so what does it all mean? we're just co-workers who don't even talk to each other but wave at each other from afar?

are you kidding me?

hmmph. well, i suppose it's better than having downright hostility. and she can be pretty damned hostile. in fact, she can be HELLA mean. so maybe i just gotta take it for what it is.

i'm just peeved. seriously, you never know how much a person does not want anything to do with you until, well, she gets a chance to show you how much.

:-T

okay. i guess i'm being overly peevish and melodramatic.

:-T

i'm feeling like crap, though! i think i'm coming down with something. . . .

despite feeling like crap, i hit the gym tonight -- at a rather late hour, 9 p.m. got on the treadmill, did 3 miles, to my amazement. the 5k race i did this past saturday was fun. i did better than i expected to, and just doing the race has given me tons more energy and confidence about picking up running again. like, i just look forward to it now instead of dreading it and making myself do it. i want to do two more races in the coming weeks, but i don't think i should . . . . being furl0ughed and having my paycheck cut by almost 10% is causing me to come up short even before the month is half-way over . . . . like, just a couple of months ago, if you had asked me, i'd have said 10% was no biggie. . . .

but it is.

and yet i really want to do these races. they only cost $20 to $30 each to register, so what -- that means i live on ramen noodles the rest of the month. that's a good compromise, isn't it? trading a healthy habit for an unhealthy one?

:-T

silence

okay, seriously – i'm starting to get a little agitated.

 

here i am, trying each damned day and every stinkin' minute to refrain from reaching out and talking to the person who's been my best friend and confidante –

 

and i'm sure she's just having a dandy old time not even thinking about me.

 

i bet she's happier.

 

i bet she's glad to be rid of me.

 

here at work, employees use microsoft outlook for the exchange of electronic correspondence.  a little pop-up box appears in the bottom right-hand corner every time a new message arrives in one's inbox, showing the sender's name, the subject of the e-mail, if any, and the first few words of the message.

 

e-mail has been slow for me lately – haven't received very many, as i otherwise am used to, these past few days.

 

but my heart stops every time the pop-up notification box appears.  i keep hoping that the next e-mail i receive is from her, letting me know that she's finally cool with the things and wants to be friends again.

 

i try not to let the scene from that friday night replay in my head.  every time i remember things i did or said, i start cringing.

 

i actually don't blame her for being angry.  i said some pretty . . . strong things.

 

the last time we talked on sunday, she said that she wasn't mad.  she said she could forgive me and my little drunken tirade because she's had a couple of such tirades herself during which she said similarly strong things to me. 

 

but i know she's still mad.

 

i'd been hoping that she'd have messaged or called me by now.  we have never gone this long without talking since we've known each other.  i know – it hasn't even been a week yet.  but it feels like forever. . . .

 

no matter how much i miss her, though, and no matter how much i want to talk to her and have her back in my life, i will not try to initiate contact with her.  the ball's in her court.

 

i really shouldn't have fucked it up like i did. . . .

 

but at the same time, i know things couldn't have continued going on the way they have been.

 

still . . . i just wish i had handled things better.

 

she's right.  i really don't know how to be honest about my feelings until it's too late. . . .

 

:-T

heavy

i'm a little on pins and needles right now.

after that crazy evening i had with dimples on friday, i spent saturday recuperating. during the morning hours, i was pissed at her. i told myself that it was good riddance and that i did not want to see her again and that i'd be damned if i ever tried to contact her again at all.

but when the hang-over finally receded somewhat, i grew to be embarrassed by it all, by my conduct, my drunken words from the night before. so i texted her a short apology.

yeah, i did. i know. . . .

she didn't respond at all yesterday. i ended up unsure whether she'd even received it; her phone's been acting funky lately. but i had done what i had to do -- i had released my contrition out into the universe, and the universe responded with nothing but silence. it kind of upset me and hurt my feelings a bit. but i accepted that silence.

then today she called me. she called while i was sitting in a movie theater, watching watchmen. the movie was already mostly over, the climax had already occurred, and the diminution and resolution of the story was taking place. my phone was on vibrate, and as it vibrated in quick pulses, i knew, even before taking the phone out of my pocket and looking at the caller ID that it was her (yeah, i even gave her a unique vibration on my cell).

i didn't want to leave the theater to take the call, plus there would be no privacy. so i waited until i got home to call back. throughout the ride home, my mind ran over all the possibilities of what she would talk about. that's all her voice message said -- that if i had a few minutes to talk, give her a call; she would like to talk to me. period. that's all. her tone was rather serious.

as soon as i got back home, i finally got a chance to return her call, but i know she's working her weekend job right now, so i only left a short voice message myself.

and now i'm just waiting. . . . waiting to hear back from her.

the suspense is overwhelming me. i'm hella tired right now -- still recovering from our outing friday night. but the only thing to do is take deep breaths, busy myself as i wait for her to call back, which i'm sure she'll do when she next gets a break, and just listen to what she has to say.

i think i already know what will be said. it's been said before. i won't fight it. because i know it's the right thing to do. otherwise, this drama will happen time and time again.

on one hand, i'm hoping that we can find a way around it. she is a special person, and i know it'll be hard for me to not be around her anymore.

but at the same time, it feels like even just a friendship with her is already doomed. we've tried that, and it has never worked.

i don't want to say goodbye. i don't want to not hear from her anymore. she's a crazy cat. she cracks me up. she's super cool.

and yet at the same time, in her "principled" view, i am not worth very much. i'm "weak," "naive," easily manipulated. i don't stand up for myself. i let myself be compromised by others who take advantage of me.

in her view, a good person, a person she can respect, would never let anyone manipulate or use her. such a person would stand up for herself and fight back, not remain weak and reticent.

i guess it depends on how you view it. i mean, obviously, there are other qualities in me that she likes and appreciates; otherwise, i don't see how we could have remained friends for this long. but i've noticed her patience with me running out the longer we know each other.

am i weak? am i naive? i guess it depends on how you look at it. from my perspective, i'm only playing the game. i've been working for the state long enough to have been jaded by all the bureaucratic, buddy-buddy bull shit i've seen. so you know what i just do? i just keep my nose to the grind and do whatever it is that i'm told to do. the bottom line for me, just as it is for any other joe schmo, is just to be hard-working and reliable enough so that people will want to promote you.

i can understand where she's coming from. the work and its atmosphere is draining her. it's a good ol' boys club all the way. and she's seen so much shit happen that it's totally made her disgusted with how things go. she's passionate, and when she sees fucked up things happen, she can't just gloss over them and pretend they never happened. it's not in her nature; she's too honest for that. and for her to see me so reticent when stuff happens, well, it makes her respect me even less with each passing day.

i try to make her see my point, but it is pointless. we have gotten into heated arguments about it, and the discussion always ends up with her throwing barbs at me as to my character. it seriously cuts me down. . . . like, i know she's right in some respects, but man, when we get into those kinds of arguments, she does fight dirty. and it hurts my feelings. it makes me wonder if she even wants to be friends anymore. . . .

i think that's why i just cannot get over her so quickly, as i know i should and as i want to. when you know you don't measure up to the standards of someone you care about, your instinct is to try to keep pushing until you finally do cross the finish line and show that you are a better person than the other person ever gave you credit for. and now, it's gotten to that point where i just need for her to give her approval. . . .

and it sucks, 'cause i know better. i don't need her approval. i don't live by her standards anymore than she lives by mine. just because her standards are different and she feels so passionately about them do not mean they're better than mine. it might be totally a cultural thing. like, it's the asian way to just kind of bite back on emotion, remain stoic, and continue to keep your eyes downcast. her way is to be passionate and vocal about things and not anyone disrespect her.

she knows it's a cultural thing, too. and that's why she has kept saying, "this -- you and me -- will never work."

i know she's right. my LORD, i know she's right. i don't want to be with someone who keeps cutting me down, who doesn't respect me, who can't forgive my flaws as much as accept my strengths.

i guess we got way too close way too soon. based on her short voice message today, it sounds like she's done with the drama, this mess of ours, this circular crap that we keep running through, time and time again.

and i'm drained by it, too. saddened, but still drained.

i'm not sure when i should expect her call. probably within the next 90 minutes or so.

i'll try to sit tight, be patient, and not have any high expectations of how the discussion will go.

wanting to run away

i am embarrassed to admit this, but the dimples saga has a continuation story.

do you want to read about it?

more importantly, do i want to write about it?

it's embarrassing. like, even if i wanted to write about it right now, i have no words.

all i know is that everything is all my fault. i keep drawing it all out until the saga itself has nowhere to go.

i don't know what makes her so different and so unique from other girls. i don't know why she of all people ended up being the one with the ability to make me so happy and yet so completely miserable at the same time. there is just no possible good ending that can occur with her. . . .

maybe i just need a change . . . . something to jolt me out of this monotony . . . . something that reminds me that life is so much bigger than what it has seemed lately. . . . life isn't about the work i do and am involved in, and it isn't about her. and i just need to do something or have something happen that changes and skews my perspective.

she really knows how to push my buttons, though. i can't tell whether the things she sometimes says to me should be read as the straight-out truth or whether she says them to keep playing around with me.

i'm thinking i need to move after all. . . . leave my job, leave the state, and go make a new start in a whole, other state like i had been planning to do, while contemplating grad school.

i know running away never solves anything. but i think the distance would do me good. . . .

either way, in the end, i have no one to blame but myself.

wtf.

i'm such a shithead.

enjoying a normal, chill day

i was up late last night, reading a really interesting novel –

 

abeng by michelle cliff.

 

the story is set in jamaica, circa 1953.

 

i call it a novel, but the writing style is very interesting.  in some parts, the narrator comes off as sounding like an ethnographer, detaching itself from the story altogether to tell a compelling, general history of the black population living there, some of them native to the island, others imported as slaves from africa. 

 

the narrator jumps perspective a lot, not just from between the usual third-person voice and the historical and ethnographic voices – but there's yet another kind of voice, too.

 

i don't know what you would call that third voice, per se.  it is quite reminiscent of the quaint, victorian voice that is deployed by the likes of jane austen.  a self-conscious, dainty voice that is cognizant of a sense of proper decorum.  but the way that cliff uses it is kind of deprecating and ironic as well.

 

i'm only half-way through reading the novel.  i plan on picking it right up again as soon as i can tonight to finish it off.

 

yes, the book is that good!  if you like novels like charlotte brontë's villette or jane austen's sense and sensibility or susan warner's wide, wide world, as i do, then this would be a great book to add in that group as a story of a girl coming of age.  but with a post-colonial, racialized edge.

 

as far as work: things have been stabilizing this past week.  but based on bits and pieces i've picked up here and there, i understand things are going to pick up the pace again really soon.  for me, anyway; i don't really know what the other peeps at my level in my unit are up to, but i think i'm still being singled out to do the extra work.

 

it's all good.  we'll see how it goes.  i just need to remember to breathe and take lots of breaks, and i'm sure i'll be fine and able to handle the work-load better than i did just a couple of weeks ago, when the shit-storm happened.

 

but until then, until that work-load actually gets assigned to me, i'm going to just sit back and enjoy the (relatively) moderate pace i've got right now.  today's been a good day – and people have been so nice and complimentary, for some reason!  like, does rainy weather make people more cheerful or something?  it has the opposite effect on me!

 

:-T

this weekend:

-- i cut my toe while climbing into the shower.

-- i baked a couple of loaves of banana bread.

-- i did . . . um, some secret errands.

-- i signed up for a couple of races: this one, a 5k on march 14, and this one, a 12k on april 26.

-- i thought about work -- and dreaded it. but not as much as i did last weekend. yay for a four-day work-week again this week!

-- i got a gander at how much of a hit my paycheck got, as a result of the furlough. not so bad -- two or three hundred bucks.

-- i saw that i was indeed able to cut back on a LOT of expenses and actually save money this past month.

-- i played super mario kart on wii with my mom.

:)