i need to write more. my therapist is always encouraging me into that direction – to do those things that allow me to express myself as naturally and easily as i can. and writing has always been that favored mode of expression for me.
i just have difficulties finding what to write about and/or the right words to describe what's going on. i feel stunted and constipated. there are a lot of things going on underneath the surface that want to find expression, but i just don't know how to release them and be free of them.
i've been tired a lot lately. since the weekend. i can't fight off the fatigue. some moments are more bearable than others. but it's just been so hard dragging myself from one place to another. i move around and go where i need to. but it's hard.
my therapist says it's because there are external factors affecting my medication. i've been on the meds the past few months. the meds are SSRI inhibitors that affect my levels of serotonin; they're supposed to help me be less prone to anxiety and more prone to control my thoughts and emotions. over the weekend, i was in the sun a lot, and that sun exposure coupled with some dehydration has affected my physiology, causing a jump in my serotonin levels. i'm supposed to contact my regular doctor if the fatigue continues.
something that i am appreciating more and more is how intuitive my therapist is. she has a lot of formal training and experience. but all that experience and training coupled with her own solid intuition and understanding of how to read and identify with her patient on an individual level is what is making her so invaluable to me. our sessions are just so conversational; i talk to her like she's my best friend, and there is a natural rhythm to our banter. she does pose a lot of open-ended questions to get me started talking, but once i do, there is a genuine relaxedness and unaffected spontaneity to our conversations. our talks are probably among the things i prize most right now. she just goes with the natural flow of the conversation. she provides input or insight or analogies, and we both freely ask questions of each other. i occasionally cuss, and so might she, and we laugh and joke, too. she would be just like my best friend – if i didn't keep paying her to be my confidante and advisor.
and the sessions just keep getting better and better. the one i had yesterday just blows me away. i came away from it feeling that, finally, there was someone who understood the complex machinations of my mind and was seeing things in me that i have always seen but had no explanations for. it felt so amazing for someone to so keenly see into me and understand how i am and what my thinking processes are, then be willing to help me continue to learn how to undo a lot of that. it makes me feel elated and relieved. words cannot express it – she is just so fantastic. i am grateful to have found her.
all i did, really, was pick her based on looks alone – that is, the vibe i got from a photograph i saw of her on the internet. when i was initially trying to find a therapist, i did an internet search for psychiatrists working in my city and came upon the website psychologytoday.com. using that website's directory, i was able to have a whole list of therapists working in and around my city. each of their profiles are all uploaded onto the website, including their areas of specialty, their experience, their locations, their photographs, etc. i probably went through the directory several times, but each time, i always came back to her particular profile. she just had really kind eyes that made me feel reassured and like she was just the type of person who could understand. i also saw on her profile that she specialized in cultural and glbt issues. those two things – her kind eyes and her areas of specialty – were what sealed the deal. and it only goes to show, to me personally, that i do have solid, perceptive instincts about people and should follow and trust those instincts more often.
No comments:
Post a Comment