still in hiberanation mode

wow.

that's all i can really say: wow.

i don't know if it's my anti-anxiety meds at work, but i haven't been feeling much of anything lately. no extreme emotions anyway. no extreme happiness, no extreme sadness, no extreme anger. nothing that i can't handle, anyway, although there are times when it gets pretty dicey.

my former roommate and her unit have moved up into the suite where i work. this is going to make for a very interesting situation.

especially since she and one of her other teammates have gotten their own offices.

now, she and that other teammate don't outrank me. in fact, i think i might outrank them, even though we both occupy the same position, if only because i have been in the position a little bit longer. i have another co-worker who i've been working with in the same suite who has the same position but has occupied it for far much longer than me, my former roommate, and her cohort combined. and yet she and i still are in our cubicles while the other two chicks have their own private offices.

this only happened yesterday. and it created quite a stir between me and my co-worker rather instantaneously.

i'm curious to see how the situation all gets resolved. what i find quite interesting is that, beyond all my control, there are more and more reasons being thrown at me, one after another, to sort of justify and enhance the current estrangement that i've been experiencing between me and my ex-roommate. just when i start getting a little soft-hearted and feeling nostalgic for our old relationship, something just happens to resurrect those feelings of, "oh that's right! you are a not-very-good-person for me." and then i can continue to go back to where i need to be in order to continue trying to rehabilitate myself.

it's just crazy for me to just kind of be all alone in this. i have my therapist, yes. but other than she, no one else knows just how much of a fucking basket case i really am. people see me, think i'm oh-so-funny, oh-so-charming, oh-so-smart, oh-so-light-hearted. and i am all those things. but i'm an absolute basket case, too. i have nothing inside me that is strong enough to keep myself grounded and here and where i need to be. i have all these feelings of anxiety that can get to be so troublesome to get a handle on. and yet no one really sees that. and it just . . . boggles my mind.

on to another note:

i've met this other girl; she's my co-worker at my second job.

i like her.

and she has been unbelievably flirty with me. each day, she gets a little bolder.

i still need to keep my distance because . . . well, she's kind of young. and i don't want to start causing work-place rumors to fly; all the co-workers at my other job are fairly tight-knit, and nothing really escapes their notice or knowledge. for instance, her flirting with me kind of got the attention of at least one other person yesterday.

still, she's really cute. beautiful eyes. great skin. and a nice decolletage.

but . . . she's off-limits.

:-T