a rant against . . .

just when i think i'm totally over dimples and all her shenanigans, the next day comes to bring me to even more lows.

but i'll have it known that i'm starting to feel more and more apathetic each successive time it happens.

:-T

she's obviously mad at me.

she's been mad at me.

last week, she started being a little vague -- until last thursday, when she started acting all weird and completely distant.

i told myself i would let it go and not even call her over the weekend -- and i held true. i didn't call her at all. i didn't want to call her cell and give her the power to either pick up or ignore me. i'm not going to give her the satisfaction of doing that!

and then yesterday -- back at work, back at the grind. i didn't send her an e-mail or call her. but at 10 a.m., she called me. she asked me a work-related question. it was all very polite. she even asked me how my weekend was. i told her it was nothing special, then asked about hers. she got into detail about it all. i hadn't asked for those specifics, but it felt like our friendship was coming back, since she was feeling comfortable enough to carry on and share those things with me.

but it was kind of weird. like, on one hand, i felt like she wanted to tell me about stuff. but on the other hand, i could tell that she kind of resented that she was telling me.

well, then, fine! don't fucking talk to me then!

she warmed up during the course of the day during our e-mails, though, and things seemed a little bit better. at the end of the day, like at 4:56 p.m., she did e-mail me, though, to tell me that she had been pissed at me over the weekend, but she had to go now, so bye.

i was like, wtf!

so i immediately packed up my own things and left, and i called her after i got into my car. i didn't think she was going to pick up -- she took so damned long to answer her phone -- but she did pick up on the fourth or fifth ring. i said, "hey, it's me," when she answered, and then immediately launched into a mini-tirade. "you've been pissed at me this whole time?! and you didn't tell me?! not like i didn't know already -- but you didn't say anything?!" i was aghast.

she sounded much more laid back on the phone now than she had sounded when she had called me earlier in the day. so we talked for a few minutes about why she had been angry while we drove. but then she had to go get her daughter, so she said, "i'll call you back in a few minutes, okay?"

"okay," i replied automatically, knowing that she wouldn't. and she didn't.

(seriously, she says that all the time. and she never does. it's been one of my peeves.)

this morning, i didn't initiate contact with her after i got to work. but at around 10 a.m., she sent me an e-mail, asking a work-related question. i answered in a professional way, and that was that.

i didn't end up seeing her at all today. but we did have a few e-mail exchanges. and i got the sense that she's either mad at me (still) or just using me as kind of a whipping post for someone or something else she's mad at.

i'm leaning towards the first possibility.

and i'm just, like, beyond it all now. like, i'm mad that she's doing this passive aggressive bullshit of being cold and terse with me without having the balls to just fucking say what her problem is.

you don't want to be friends anymore?

fine!

you don't want to talk to me anymore?

fine!

just cut out all this fucking bullshit!

what sucks is . . . whatever she's doing, it's obviously working. it's worked in the past, and it's continuing to work now. . . . she knows i care about what she thinks and feels, and i kind of feel like she's using it to her advantage to punish me. . . .

seriously. hooking up with co-workers is not good. . . .

:-T

the other angle is . . . maybe i deserve this treatment, too. . . .

it's that whole "elitist" issue all over again. sometimes, i really don't know when i come across as elitist. but i have learned to totally watch out and be a little more considerate and careful when choosing my words around her. it sucks that i even have to go out of my way to do that -- but i do, just to be mindful of her feelings.

but there are other times when i come across as patronizing -- and i know it. but then, why the hell not?

like, yesterday, one of our e-mail exchanges started when she sent me a question, out of the blue: "what is a power of attorney, and how do i get one?"

i answered the question in my usual nerdy way. like, think the scarecrow in the wizard of oz, when all of a sudden he gets a brain and starts automatically spouting off the pythagorean theorem in a serious and concise way.

well, that's me. that's how i talk. when people ask me random questions about stuff that i know how to answer, i answer in that kind of serious, earnest, nerdy way, as if i'd just been called on in class by a teacher. for me, that's just how i roll! i have a terrible short term memory, but when i know the technical language for certain things and then get asked about them, i tend to just recite the technical language that i've somehow retained in my brain, almost verbatim.

yeah, i can sound like a know-it-all . . . .

:-T

so you can imagine how formalistic my e-mail sounded when i answered dimples' questions about the power of attorney.

:-T

that's just my way of talking. but to dimples, i imagine that she sees that as flaunting the law school education i was "lucky" to get and just a marker of how much of an elitist i am.

well, wtf! don't ask me then!

geez. i just can't win with her. it took me so long to get at this point where i am right now, comfortable with her, not pining for her, etc. but with every roadblock we hit, i just wonder how much longer i can do this, always being the one who's in the wrong.

we've done things at her speed, right from the start. she's the one who's been dictating the pace of this friendship/relationship/whatever the hell this is. she wanted to be my friend -- she wanted to hit on me -- she brought me to her house to fuck me -- she wanted me to open up to her more -- she wanted me to trust her -- she said we were moving too fast -- she said she didn't want a relationship -- she said let's just be friends -- she got drunk one night and we fucked again -- she said, after i thought fucking had meant something, that it hadn't meant anything at all and that she thought i knew -- we went back to being friends -- she got drunk again and we fucked once more -- and now she's moody and being distant.

like, good hell! wtf!



whatevah, sista. you've called me out for being "elitist" so many times that i've lost count. and i've even started to believe it, too . . . . but now, i'm wondering if, despite how "good" a life i've had, the problem is really all about how i'm not good enough for you, not even as a friend. there are just so many things wrong with me, aren't there?

well, fine. this no-good, bad ass of mine is already starting to walk off in the opposite direction. you're getting what you wanted: you're driving me off.

happy now?

weathering through

it's raining tonight.

it's been raining the past few nights.

this is the forecast here for the next few days:

this is the forecast for the city that i was going to move to, to officially start graduate school, earlier this year:

*sigh*

i've been trying to avoid going out at all this entire weekend. just a couple of stops to the grocery store and that's about it. i've been off work since thursday and had the much-needed reprieve offered by a nice three-day weekend, thanks to furlough friday. i just need to make it through this coming week, and then the following week, i'll be able to have another furlough friday.

i managed to succeed in my goal of using the weekend to simmer down from the emotions that have boiled over due to my most recent interactions with violet and dimples. i think i just need that time apart from them, for different reasons, to just calm down and get perspective. i think that's what the heart of the problem is, when it comes to these recent problems that i've had with each of them: we're too close to each other. we already see each at work all the time, so continuing to see them when we're not at work just doesn't give us that necessary distance. and so that's why violet is getting on my nerves. i'm totally not over it just yet. but with her, i'm recognizing that if i don't hear from her for a month or so, then i'll only be all the better for it.

as for dimples, yeah, we both need time apart from each other. i'm recognizing that i should probably give her more space, that we've gotten too close to each other in such a tight time frame, and that i will probably be even better for it if we keep our distance. not that it's been difficult to do -- while i've been sitting at home this whole weekend trying to keep from calling or texting her, in the meantime, she hasn't tried to contact me, either.

and so i'm just, like, all, "whatev."

:-T

speaking of work, i'm trying to persuade myself to lighten up so that i'm not in a grumpy mood at the office tomorrow. it really sucks to not have as much fun as i used to have there. but not only am i going to 1.) try not to be so damned pissy, but i'm also going to 2.) make sure i don't stay any later than 5 p.m. and 3.) if people give me extra shit to do, i'll actually see if i can say "no" or at least "talk to my boss if you want to assign stuff to me." i can't let myself be smothered with work . . . . and i can't let myself exert myself more than is feasible or necessary. 8 hours. that's all of the my time that i'm required to give.

8 hours.

and guess what: i just bought this tee over at Tee Fury this evening. i know -- isn't it totally dykey?? but i had to have it! i love it! i wish the women's sizes came in the kelly green color, not the military green, but hey, i still think it looks fab!

i also got this other tee from shirt.woot. i got it more on a whim than anything else -- but i do think it's cute!

i'm in a mad tee phase lately. i've stopped buying clothes, for the most part -- no new work clothes, no new shoes, no new heels, no new clothes for going out. i've been keeping my wallet nice and tight! well, except for these two tees now . . . .

:-T

but hey, these will be my only splurges for the month! paying $ 20 for two tees in one month is not a crime!

;)

speaking of, am reading michel foucault's discipline & punish: the birth of the prison and zora neale hurston's tell my horse: voodoo and life in haiti and jamaica. these are fascinating reads, and it's even more interesting to read them both at the same time.

dear violet --

guess what.

this friendship is over.

it finally became clear to me, when we were having lunch the other day, just how dissimilar we are. and that i don't think i want to continue this friendship of ours.

for one thing, you're needy. you seem to always be in desirous need of my attention and company. i have to admit i was flattered by this. here you are, a person in relative high esteem and in high position, wanting to be friends with me. and i also have to admit that i did kind of like you. i thought we had a lot in common. and we have shared a lot of confidences. but now, i'm thinking that, well, i just don't want to see or hear from you in a while.

a part of me is scared about one thing: the fact that i've told you quite a few things that i do not wish to be shared with others. i'm afraid that if you realize just how much i don't want to be around you anymore, at least for a while, you're going to commit the penultimate act of treason and start telling everyone what i've told you. i guess that would be the true test of friendship: if we were ever really friends, you'd keep my confidences as much as i'd keep yours. and we would let sleeping dogs lie.

you must know the reason why i don't wish to be around you or see you anymore. it's because we really are from two different worlds. or as dimples would say, you're just a fucking coconut.

i should have listened to dimples about you. she doesn't like you, you see -- never has -- because you're a coconut. you've sold out on where you've come from so that you can keep climbing the political ladder and surround yourself with white things and negate who you are. i always defended you. i just always said you were ambitious and good at what you did. i said you had great intentions and probably didn't mean to be a coconut.

but dimples never wanted to listen to any defense of you. the last straw was when i confessed to her that, once, you had told me that you couldn't associate with any lower staff, including me, during office events and that instead you had to rub shoulders with the other higher-level management just to maintain your profile. when you said that to me, you had an apologetic smile on your face, so i never questioned it. i have been thinking about that comment lately, though, and it troubled me, and so when i relayed it to dimples, she grew livid on my behalf and began laughing sarcastically. it was then that i really came to see the importance for you of maintaining a certain image at the office.

i didn't really want to have lunch with you after that realization. but you don't really know when to take "no" for an answer. so finally, we ended up settling on a date for lunch.

there, our differences came to a head.

i wish i did not end up telling you so much about what's going on with me at work. but i was and am still frustrated by being treated -- at least in my eyes -- like a pack horse. a jack ass. i'm being inundated with work without reprieve, and i'm just overwhelmed. forgive me, but just even thinking about work makes me emotional and want to vent.

our first difference arose over the issue of the lay-offs facing 20,000 california st@te employees. lay-off notices got sent out, starting this past tuesday, to those eligible st@te employees, who have the least amount of seniority at certain agencies. you got your notice. but, you said to me with satisfaction, you had spoken with one of the big cheeses at the office who told you "don't worry" about getting fired and that he didn't think it would happen to you and that your job was safe. "i'll take care of it personally," he pretty much told her. as you told this to me, your face was lit up with a confident, relieved smile.

this made me feel cold. my own boss had told me the same thing, essentially, as well; that i was a good worker and that i didn't have to "worry," because higher-ups would make sure to take care of me. and i didn't like hearing it. i ended up telling him, straight up, that i didn't like the idea of having that cushion when other people did not. he merely shrugged it off and said that's the way it was.

so when you told me this, the unfairness of it all just consumed me. you get to sit there in your precious private office, full of nice cherrywood furniture, and essentially be assured that your job is secure, despite the fact that, if the rules were applied indiscrimiately, you'd be among the first to go. and not only that, but take pride and glee in the fact of your safety -- it was at that moment that i could see your true colors once and for all. and i did not like what i saw.

i'm not trying to play the hero. all i know is that the economy is going for shit and that my friends who have received the lay-off notices are those who can afford the least to be unemployed. and they haven't done anything to deserve it! they work much harder than they need to just to get their jobs done, and they are the most under-appreciated people in the building. without their efforts, their higher-profile managers wouldn't be able to have the free time to fuck around as much as they do. the only thing that my friends don't have is a BFF among the upper-level management folks do, someone who can protect them and pull strings on their behalf to make sure they don't get let go.

now, i have the rare luck and privilege of having at least a few BFFs among upper-level management. but do i feel lucky? no, i fucking don't. if anything, the unfairness of the nepotistic and fucked up way things are run are just glaringly obvious. and i don't want any part of it at all. the fact that you are totally fine with that, though, violet, well, i guess i shouldn't be surprised. but hey, you're the one who has to live with yourself, but i hope you'll forgive me if i choose not to surround myself with your company.

the other point of disagreement we had was about my gripes about my workload. as i told you, everyone seems to be shitting on me, giving me a crapload of work to do. and as i mentioned to you, while it is flattering that they are confident in my work abilities and like my work products, i am overwhelmed. i feel like i'm being overused and that the work isn't being shared equally. and i am not liking my boss at the moment -- in fact, i'm hating him -- because each day, his selfishness is becoming more and more apparent. in his efforts to relieve himself of all the work-related stress he's been experiencing, especially lately, he is only compounding the level of stress i'm experiencing, by dishing off the shit work he doesn't want to deal with to me. which would be fine if i were in a job position that required me to take on those additional responsibilities, but i'm not. and in fact, it's illegal for them to assign work to me that is not specified in my job description unless i've specifically asked to be given t & d (training & development) for the purposes of promotion.

what you essentially told me was that i should suck it up. you said you've been put through the burner like this and made to stay long hours and given heavy job duties. but it ended up paying off for you because, well, look where you are now.

well, congratulations to you then, violet. but forgive me if i don't buy that position. i'm glad that, from where you stand, being treated like shit while still being paid less than half of what you make sounds like a great deal. but for me, this is not where i get my kicks. i want to be able to work because i have a passion for it. i want to be able to look forward going to work because i love being around the people. i want to have a boss that protects me from being taken advantage of from other people, especially knowing that i don't have the ability to say no when i have to. like, granted, at first, my line of thinking was just like yours: this was an opportunity to shine and i could use this time of being given a lot of hard work to capitalize on later when the next wave of promotions become available.

but after going through months of this shit, i can't do it anymore. i'm not enjoying being at work anymore. i don't like that my boss is even more selfish and not very vigilant about my own well-being as i'd thought. and i just feel so disillusioned.

so fuck you, violet. i'm not going to just suck it up. i don't like my boss, i don't like the work, and i don't fucking like you.

fucking coconut.

go flaunt your boobs at the next powerful white guy who comes along just so that you can get your next leg up. go ahead and make sure to continue to rub shoulders with all the important people so that you never have to feel the pangs of uncertainty about the future or how you're going to make ends meet next month. you do what you've got to do to survive, and i hope you continue to be conscience- and guilt-free about all those job benefits you have that the other low peons will never be able to get in their life-time, just because they're not as ruthless or calculating as you.

i forgave you so many times. i overlooked your ridiculous ways. even all those times when the thought flitted across my mind that you were just trying way too damned hard to be white, i always gave you the benefit of the doubt.

but now i see your true colors. i see your brown skin and that whiteness in you just bursting to get out. dimples was right about you -- she saw right through you from the start. she has that uncanny ability to see straight to heart of people. she's been right enough times so far -- i may as well just listen to her from now on, when it comes to finding people to like and trust.

even though i jokingly call myself a banana, i know there's no way i'm anything like you. i don't deny who i am or where i come from, and i don't try so hard to engage in "white" cultural practices and to negate those that i was brought up with. i hope i never do become like you.

best of wishes in all your endeavors. but please leave me the fuck alone from now on --

-- abbagirl

it's gonna be a long weekend. . . .

i'm not going to do it.

i'm not going to call her.

i'm not going to even think about her. or keep wondering why.

i'm sick of all this shit. i'm sick of the one worrying what it was that i did wrong.

i gave her a chance. i asked her a couple of times if things were okay.

because obviously they are not.

she denied it both times.

i'm sick of trying to be the one who has to be understanding and cave in to her emotions. i'm sick of trying to placate her and make her understand my point of view. she obviously doesn't care about understanding my point of view as much as she seems to enjoy judging me.

maybe she's right about me. maybe i am not good enough, even as a human being in her eyes.

well, if that's the case, then call me on my shit. i know she can do it; she's done it enough times before. don't do this passive aggressive shit in which i sense you're upset, i ask you what's wrong, and you deny anything being wrong while looking at me with your glassy, vexed eyes.

if you're gonna be that way, then count me out now.

i always caved in, in the past, when you did that.

but i'm not doing that this time.

so no. i'm not going to call her this weekend until she talks to me and tells me what's up.

i'm not going to think about her nor let myself think all these complicated, stressful, emotional thoughts.

i'm not going to be the one reaching out to her in the hope of her throwing me a bone.

no. i'm just going to let it all go. this whole weekend, i will just not do anything.

and i'll see what happens on monday . . . .

wiggin' out

i am super stressed out.

my heart's been racing at a frenetic yet steady pace for the past two days.

no matter how i try to remain vigilant, every now and then, i catch myself furrowing my brow -- an act which, in and of itself, worries me because i don't want to get frown lines etched into my face before i even hit thirty.

i haven't been able to sleep much lately. i've been tossing and turning. and having the past three days off didn't help; i'd end up falling asleep at 2 or 3 a.m., then have to remain in bed until late in the morning or early in the afternoon to make up for the time lost to tossing and turning.

my boss finally noticed my stress and agitation today. i had been kind of monosyllabic and quiet, and i know my eyes were kind of watery from the strain i've been feeling. he still had me to do some intense tasks, but at a little after 4 p.m., he told me to go home early. i refused, of course, and actually stayed until about 5:30. but he got the point: i'm overworked and i'm stressed out.

that's actually not the whole story, though. there are more reasons why i'm super stressed out lately. the state of the economy; the uncertainty of the future due to the governor's threat to lay off 20,000 employees with the least amount of seniority from departments funded through the general fund, which includes my department; and other things are working together to make me all frenetic inside.

seriously. is this what being an independent, mature adult is all about? if so, i don't want any of it!

:-T

and dimples sucks, too. i'm starting to think that i can't put up with certain things about her anymore. yeah, we're friends, and we know and understand each other pretty damned well. but i'm sick and tired of feeling guilty about talking certain matters over with her, matters that i'm genuinely concerned about but which i can totally see that she regards, even if she doesn't put words to those thoughts, as "elitist."

with her, things are fine if i try to act more street and more "real." like, she will tease me for being so "white," but if i downplay my whiteness with self-deprecation, then it's okay. it's only when i discuss certain matters in an earnest way, and often without even thinking, that this whole "elitist" issue comes up to the fore. and i'm left feeling self-conscious and her making the obvious attempt to not make some cutting remark about my elitist ways.

like, i'm sick of feeling so self-conscious about what i say and how i say it. like, it's not my fault that i had no life for about ten years of my life while i did my undergraduate and post-undergrad education in mormon land with my parents' encouragement. yeah, i feel bad that she got kicked out of her parents' house at the age of 18 and that she couldn't go to college. but i can't be held responsible for whatever regrets she had about her life any more than i can blame her for mine. i seriously don't have these same issues with any of my other friends. i mean, really -- the whole point of having friends at all is, as they say, to create a second family of your own choosing. whatever each other's shortcomings, fears, and regrets as well as strengths and enduring qualities, these are the people you choose to be around and whose company you cherish and don't take for granted. if i have to be so cautious about what i say, how i say them, and what i do around her, well, that's just so much work for me to do to get her approval . . . . and if we were really friends, why do i even have to work so damned hard for that approval?

so yeah . . . . i guess you could say that dimples herself is stressing me out, too.

:-T

it's about 8:30 p.m. right now. usually on the evenings i spend at home, i like to take the time to peruse through my feedreader and catch up on the latest happenings in my city, my state, my nation, the world, and in the lives of other random strangers whose blogs i like to read.

but tonight . . . .

i think i'll turn in a little early. maybe pop a sleeping pill. for one night, i'm not going to shoulder the problems of the world, the contemplation of which only add to the restlessness and anxiety that's already heavy on my mind.

i'm just going to breathe, one breath after another . . . .

and hope that tomorrow is going to be a little bit better than it was today.

:-T

i need a hero!

i've always wanted to be a super hero.

and now i am!

do yours here!

the site is replete with the song "i need a hero" by bonnie tyler playing in the background to get your creative hero juices flowing.

my st@te worker peeves

lesson unlearned

i guess i really do never use my common sense, huh?

dimples and i spent a few weeks there, maybe a month, trying to shake off the awkwardness and weirdness that my feelings for her had caused. then we finally entered a period of really good friendship. the kind in which either one of us could call up the other for any ol' reason, just to chit-chat. the kind in which she could invite me over for dinner with her and her daughter, and i'd think nothing of accepting. the kind in which we could hang out, have our banter, and just kind of implicitly agree that we were not going to talk about us anymore, as if there really ever was such a thing. i'd say this period lasted about another month. sure, we'd have our moments when i'd say something "elitist" again or come across as more overbearing and presumptuous than i had ever intended. but instead of reacting to these little slips of mine with annoyance or anger, we both would laugh it off and let it go.

and before i knew it, i had let her go. i stopped thinking of her in terms of what i lost -- a relationship with her -- and in terms of what i had -- a really great, close friend who knew me well (notwithstanding all the "elitist" stuff, which obviously i'm still kind of bothered by).

fast-forward to today. sunday, february 8, 2009. me, 28 and three-fourths years old. educated and sensible. burned not once, not twice, but enumerable times by dimples.

and i go ahead and fuck her all through the wee morning hours well into the start of the brand new day.

she instigated it. that's always how it is, though, huh? same old story every time. she has a little too much to drink -- okay, a lot too much to drink -- and then she starts getting affectionate with me. it starts off really imperceptibly. first, some small body contact -- her arm brushing nonchalantly against mine. nothing that would be overtly sexual or flirtatious.

and i let her brush against me. until the body contact starts to be a little firmer, a little more insistent. in my defense, despite knowing better, i was intoxicated. i'd had a few cocktails and beers by then -- as had she. and further, her nearness just always does something to me. i love that scent of hers -- a scent not manufactured by any company but one that wholly belongs to her. she has amazingly smooth skin, and even as we went into our really-great-friends stage recently, i've never been able to stop wishing i could just reach out and touch her face, her neck, her hands, her arms. trust me, her skin is just absolutely beautiful.

so no. when confronted with her nearness, her scent, and the contact of her body against me, i lose all rationale. every past instance of being burned and scorched by her just leaves my memory. and all i can think about is how great it is to be close to her like that once more, with her body trustingly opening towards me. something i never really ever thought would happen again.

okay, maybe that's a lie. i think i did know it would happen again. . . . you see -- i just knew. . . . i knew that we both wanted it, but that we could not, while sober and sane, break the rules we'd (she'd) established for ourselves. at the same time, we knew that all the rules would go out the window if we ever had a chance to hang out alone, just the two of us, with a lot of liquor to share between us. if the right situation ever came about again, regardless of the history between us, we knew we'd fuck each other again.

that being said, i knew it would happen again. i hoped it would happen again. and it did.

eventually, the leaning of her body into mind, with the side of her breast pressed again my arm graduated to her putting an arm around my waist and nuzzling my neck. this, in turn, graduated to her sucking on my earlobe. and when i turned around to face her, after i felt the warmness of her moist mouth on my ear, we began kissing softly, soft nipping kisses, as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

as we began to kiss, i kept my eyes open, so that i could look into hers. i would swear that, despite how much alcohol we'd drunk, her eyes looked purposeful, as if she knew what she was doing.

even right now, with my lips still raw from her kisses, just the memory of her kisses makes me warm up inside. she has a small pointed tongue that she darts into my mouth to let me suck on. she's such a great kisser. . . .

we ended up finally going back to our hotel room at about 2 a.m. we had booked a double queen room for our little quickie vacay out of town. we both needed to get away this weekend . . . . when we went back up to our rooms, i didn't do anything to continue to the physical contact with dimples. we let drunken selves into the room, and we were exhausted. dimples flopped on her bed, and i went to flop on mine. i wondered what it would be like, sleeping in a room with dimples but not being able to touch her nor share her bed. but this musing ended as quickly as it begun, when dimples got up from her bed and came over to mine.

i don't think there was a single, rational, coherent thought in my head, as i lay there on my back, propped up on a pillow, watching her approach me. her decolletage showed, thanks to a low-neck black top she wore, and all i saw was that satiny skin on her chest as it came towards me and as she went to straddle my thoughts. and then when she started kissing me, i knew there was no turning back, and there were no excuses, and no time to think about whether this was right or wrong. it just was. and we both would be doing what we both had been wanting all this time . . . .

there's just something about being able to fuck someone you care about and whom you've fucked before. you know her body as well as she does. you know all her sensitive areas, where she likes to be kissed, where she likes to be bitten, and how she likes for you to lick her. and for me, it was amazing to see her body under the sparse lighting of the hotel room. her body is beautiful.

when i spread her legs and put myself between them, i also saw her pussy for the first time ever as well. it was pristine and pink. she spread her labia with her fingers for me, and i could also see the glossy sheen of her moist vagina. i let my eyes raze over the sight to remember it before i started to fuck her pussy with my mouth and tongue.

i was a bit out of practice (i've been celibate since, well, my last drunken hook-up with dimples), but the taste and the smell were familiar to me, as were the sounds coming from dimples' throat. i fucked her slowly, methodically, purposefully. i wanted to make the suspense last for her for as long as she could take it. and in my mind, i just wanted it to be good, in case this would be the last time i ever got a chance to fuck her like this again.

i've lost track of how many times we fucked, then napped, then woke up to fuck again. i just remember being awed by how much she could take. her eyes would have that darkened look that said she was ready to go at it again, and my fingers probing her pussy would find her just as intensely wet and excited as before, if not even more so.

at one point, i had her sitting above me, fucking my face while holding on to the top of the headboard for balance. as my tongue lashed at her, i would look up and see her breasts swaying above me, moving in time with her thrusts above me, and her face, bent low, having that look of pained look of concentrated intensity as she worked steadfastly to achieve her orgasm.

in-between her orgasms, she would try to finger and tongue me, but i could never get off. seriously, maybe i should get her a book or something . . . . in her eyes, though, she's doing everything in her power to get me off, and she thinks i have a mental block.

mental block my ass! she just needs to learn to have a little, er, method to her madness.

:-T

we finally fell asleep at who-knows-when. but it wasn't long before i forced myself to get up and hit the shower so that we could make our way back home from this little vacay of ours. when i finished, i managed to get her in the shower. but she was still far gone. the worst of the alcohol had finally really hit her. and she didn't want to do anything but stay in bed and snooze.

but she went into the shower anyway. after she'd been in the shower for a few minutes, she called my name. "abbagirl! can you bring me my shampoo? it's in my bag!"

i dug through her bag, found the shampoo, and walked into the bathroom to hand it to her.

"thanks," she said, smiling.

i left. a few minutes later, i heard my name again. "abbagirl!"

i went and poked my head in the bathroom again. "hey!" i said to announce my presence. "what's up?"

dimples' head poked slyly from behind the shower curtain. "get in here," she said.

i gave her a surprised "are you serious?" look.

"take off your clothes and get in here," she commanded again.

and what do you take me for? of course, i complied.

:)

we both worked steadfastly to arouse each other under the pelt of the shower head, but in the end, it was her laying sprawled out in the bathtub, with her legs spread open, and me lapping at her pussy. i had her moaning my name non-stop as well as other incoherent sounds until finally she started reaching her peak. her tremblings, thrusts, and the sounds coming out of her throat were the most longest-lasting and loudest that i'd ever drawn out of her. she came long and hard, announcing it by yelling "i'm coming!" over and over. in the meantime, i continued to lash at her clit with my tongue until at last she was done. as she sank down against the tub again, depleted, i raised myself so that i could lean over her and kiss her. but as i looked down at her face, i saw that she had this vacant, stunned look that i had never seen before, so i instantly grew alarmed, thinking i had done something heinous and that i actually might have to call 9-1-1. "are you okay??" i asked her earnestly, if not a little horrified. i know my eyes must have been bugging out of my head.

the stunned look didn't leave her eyes, but she grew somewhat coherent and said softly, "i'm more than okay. i feel amazing."

when she said this, nothing could have stopped the pleased grin that spread across my face.

but the elation i felt about having given her such an intense orgasm kind of faded eventually. she was miffed yet again that i hadn't been able to come and thought it was my fault. and then we had a conversation about something else there in tub that makes me think about certain things. either way, i do hope she doesn't make excuses for what happened by yet again saying that she was too drunk to do anything differently. like, i know the both of us drank a lot of alcohol between us, but at the same time, i know her mind was there, in the moment, as mine was. so she wanted this as much as i did.

what does this bode for the future? well, definitely no awkwardness. and i've already begun telling myself to not think of this as anything other than a non-serious hook-up, albeit between two friends. we were drunk, we were horny, and we are adults, so let's just acknowledge it for being what it is, whatever it is, and move on without looking back as friends.

seriously, is it possible? for two girls to be the best of friends, but then fuck each other on the side? is that true friendship? i guess, in a way, you could say yes -- and that we are literally sharing everying in our lives with each other, including the physical. but at the same time, it does pose obstacles. . . . there just seems something so . . . unethical about it.

either way, it is safe to say that i did indeed learn from all my past incidents with dimples by understanding why she does what she does and why we aren't meant for each other.

but at the same time, what's the point of learning that lesson if i'm going to cream my panties every time i'm around her and let her seduce me while ignoring or refusing to acknowledge the repercussions that i know may follow?

yes. safe to say -- lesson unlearned in regards to dimples.

. . . .

:-T

ugh. but can't help it. i really am crazy about her. . . .

:-T

long days ahead

i've had a long-assed day.

i had to travel for work today -- to an institution located about 40 miles away, south, from my house.

i spent about half a day at the institution and didn't get any breaks. the sup3rint3nd3nt who showed me around was totally awesome. i was told that this person had a no-nonsense attitude and that you'd know it if you were on the person's shit-list. i'm glad to say that i hit it off with this supe, and i don't think i am on the shit-list a' tall.

:)

i left the institution at about 1, started my drive back to town, and called dimples because she had left me a voice message while i was busy with the supe. she had a work-related question, she said in her voice mail. but when i called her back, we didn't talk shop at all; instead, we just chit-chatted about random things.

i wasn't expected to come in to the office at all today, after traveling to the institution. but i did so anyway ("you're such a nerd," dimples jokingly chided me). i came back into the office to a frustrated boss. although he wasn't frustrated with me, per se, his emotions still caused me to stay a little bit later at work than i had intended. i'd been hoping to leave at around four, but i ended up going home after 5 p.m.

and now . . . my day's not even over yet. i'm working on putting together a presentation for a graduate class i'm taking. it's a pretty straight-forward assignment -- at least in theory. i'm to present an analysis of a chapter from one of our books. but damn me, if the essays in this book aren't so damned convoluted! it took a whole day of stepping away from the book for me to put together a framework for how i wanted to approach my presentation.

that's the one thing i haven't really missed about academia. the posers. the fluffy writers who write in obtuse abstractions.

like, dude. whatever happened to just saying what you mean? and if possible, say it in as few words as possible, in the most direct way possible.

:-T

so that's what i'm wrasslin' with right now. the project is, in and of itself, fun; i'm definitely having fun putting together the presentation, using all the skills i've acquired from blogging on blogger to help spruce it all up. but wading through the text itself is what's so engrossing and so intense.

i'm pooped.

my life . . . it's just going in so many damned directions right now. i easily have four or five different major things going on right now, and i'm doing my best to prioritize each and every one of them.

i just want it all. there is no stopping me. i know i can do them.

all i need to do is knock each little task one at a time -- and each of the major things will get done.

let's do it.

one task at a time. . . .

25 random things about me

1. i'm ticklish.

2. i'm an occasional leg-jiggler, although i do try to control the tendency.

3. fart noises crack me up.

4. i drink two cups of coffee each morning, no exception.

5. i haven't really worked out in two months and have since grown a little pot belly.

6. when i eat, i tend to eat until i'm full. this can turn into a bit of a problem; see 5. above.

7. i'm a sucker for kind eyes and a nice smile.

8. i can be an obnoxious know-it-all -- and i know it.

9. i have 415 subscriptions on my feedreader.

no, i don't read everything every day. but i feel assured just from knowing that i could be informed about anything going on in the world just by clicking through any subscription.

one of the things i do make a point of looking at every day: tee fury -- one tee shown per day, for sale for only $ 9 each! awesomeness!!

10. i'm a lazy procrastinator.

11. listening to scott joplin piano rags calms me.

12. i can't swim.

13. okay, i'll own it: i dress pretty well, and i know i look damned good. so there.

14. i tend to need to drink at least 8 oz. of soda each work day. first choice: mountain dew. second choice: pepsi. third choice: whatever else i can get.

15. first and most longest-lasting celebrity crush: joan jett.

16. i tend to have a lot of secrets going on at any one time.

17. i'm a lot more ambitious than people tend to give me credit for.

18. i'm meticulous about keeping my nails trimmed short and my skin completely moisturized.

19. i tend to never think i'm good enough. i always feel like i could do more.

20. i tend to forget to be satisfied with what i've got. every now and then, i feel like there is more to be had.

21. i think i'm as much afraid of success as i am failure.

22. i tend to let the desires and opinions of others control and influence me more than i should.

23. i tend to get pleasure out of pleasing and appeasing others.

24. every now and then, the thought hits me that, if i just let the noise of the world fade away, i could very much be happy with who i am, where i am, and what i am.

25. i'm afraid of death, and the thought of it often keeps me up at night.