i was hungry

but now i have lost my appetite.

resolutions for when i turn 30 -- quite soon

1. focus and get my life together, professionally. am i going to be friggin' lawyer or not?

2. stop calling other chicks my age and older "girls." we ain't girls anymore.

3. try to refrain from using the word "dude" as much as i currently do.

4. start watching what i eat and try to help my body get healthier.

5. get a handle on the student loans before they drown me to death.

6. no more drinking binges to the point of getting completely shit-faced.

7. start finding reasons to enjoy myself and my moments with family.

8. begin writing the next great american novel that i feel to be lurking within the depths of my soul.

9. start working to achieve my full potential.

hmm. . . . anything else to add . . . ?

almost a week

i had the upper hand.

i was angry. and i was in the right. and i could walk away and let it go. and i could go without having any desire to talk to her or recant or apologize or otherwise suck up to make the conflict go away.

i succeeded for almost a week.

but now she is participating in giving me the cold shoulder, too.

and that's not right.

i should be the one who has the right to remain angry and/or distant.

where does she get the right?

but it's working. now that she's playing the cold shoulder game, too, my resolve has gotten shaky once again. and i'm wondering if it is worth it to hang on to my position and let this impasse continue, all for the sake of being angry and in the right. a part of me is still afraid of the consequences -- such as her not talking to me again, her leaving me, etc.

damn it.

must.

hold.

true.

i am goddamned mad right now. fucking pissed.

a precocious patient

i never finished this post. i started it almost two days ago. i'm going to publish it anyway.

-------------------

you know what my therapist said the last time i saw her?

i'll never forget it.

she had been listening to me talk, and when i had finished, her head was tilted and propped on one of her hands. she gave me this genuinely quizzical but amused look and said, "you know, you remind me of one of those patients who goes in to see their doctor to see what's wrong with them, but not only do you start telling the doctor all the symptoms you have, you also tell him, 'this is my diagnosis, so prescribe me this.'"

i laughed when she initially said this. it was a pretty funny analogy. and i felt relieved because it confirmed for me that not only was it okay for me to feel the things i do, but also that my perceptions and impressions were fairly apt.

however, later on, as my session with the therapist progressed, the analogy wasn't so funny anymore. it started to hit home for me how much responsibility i have for my own situation. sure, there are others to blame. but i have to own up to my role in fostering this whole victimhood thing since i am aware of what's going on; talking myself out of believing that my impressions are valid is what has allowed me to continue letting myself be taken advantage of and letting my own needs be overridden.

uneasy squirming

i had an uncomfortable session with the therapist today.

discomfitting.

i've never felt this way after a session before.

does the feeling make me not want to see her again?

well . . . yeah!

but i can't just stop seeing. not merely because of this current sentiment. i've come a long way since i began seeing her. she's got my number and reads me really well at this point. and i like her.

but i'm just feeling uncomfortable now. discomfitted. exposed.

because i kind of fibbed during my session. and i think she knows it. and so i feel exposed because of it.

yeah. i deserve it.

:-T

clawing my way through

i have been on an absolute downer of a note for a long time now.

i know it. i'm not oblivious to it. i'm all-too-aware of it.

but i just can't get out of it. this funk that i'm in has its arms wrapped around my legs and won't let me go.

it's not just that i'm down. i'm all sorts of down. i'm angry down. morose down. anguished down. livid down. it runs the gamut. and my mood just seems to worsen and worsen. every little thing that everyone does -- if it rubs me the wrong way, it rubs me hard. and i get mad. i never lose my ability to see reason, and i am starting to laugh at myself when i feel my annoyance prickle at every little thing. i know i am being too judgmental. but my laughter has started to turn bitter. all these discordant feelings i have are just starting to eat me alive.

to tell the truth, i don't think i see my therapist often enough. i see her three times a month. but i can't afford any more sessions than that. hell, i can barely afford the three i have scheduled for this month as it is. i have no idea how the hell i came to be so broke so quickly this month. i mean, i expected to go broke; i tend to go broke within the first two weeks of receiving a paycheck. but this time, it happened so quickly. it just blows my fucking mind.

i stress about a lot of things. everything is just grabbing and eating away at me. i am neurotically miserable for a good chunk of the day. i spend a lot of time seeing things in my head that cannot be seen with the naked eye. so much stuff, so many images, so many words wafting through my mind. . . . i'm going to drive myself insane, i think.

so this blog has, over time, become the diary of an ever-increasingly mad woman. am i the norm? am i the exception to the rule? why do i feel so alone in this experience? why do so many things eat away at me from the inside out?

depression has taken over my life. i need to find that turning point. i need to find the rock-bottom. i want to climb back up out of this hole and claw my way through to daylight.

tethered

i've been in a bit of a funk. i can't get out of it.

i had a really great session with my therapist a couple of days ago. my therapist is truly awesome. i didn't see, until i got back to my car after the session, that we had gone over our time limit. but my therapist didn't say a word; she just continued on with the session until we had finished talking. my therapist is my lifeline. there is no one i confide in more than i do with her. as heavy as the world feels, i am glad that i found her to tether myself to. i feel really lucky to have found a therapist as great as she is.

i am so down, i don't really have any words to say. but i know things will get better, and i know i have to give myself the time to learn how to be.

a big loop

i started a second job last week. i'm starting to need that extra bit of help to ensure that i don't go in the red by the second or third week of the month. at the end of the month the past few months, i've found my checking account in over-draft mode.

today, after i finished my usual 8-to-5 gig, i went on my merry way to put in some hours for my second job. i ended up coming back to the house at close to 9 p.m.

i knew it was going to happen one of these days. i knew it would happen without warning. but did i expect it to happen today? no. you could've kicked me in the head and i wouldn't have felt it.

i came home to see his car in our driveway.

i had to compose myself and force myself through the motions of getting out of my car. i wasn't ready for this. i had thought i would be. but i wasn't. he was here -- at my house. they were in the house together. knowing i'd be back at some point in the evening.

i steeled myself as i put my house key into the lock and turned the key. i pushed the door in.

the door opened to the sight of the three of them sitting in the living room -- my roommate, her kid . . . and him.

wow. this was really something.

and it's just weird. i know about him and her. i've known for a while. and she has become quite open in talking to me about him -- about their relationship -- about their sex life -- everything.

and he doesn't know about my history with her.

from the outside, i have to admit that if i didn't know all the players as intimately as i do, i would say that she is quite the con artist. all of these people she has around her to love her and take care of her needs. that's quite a talent.

i acted normally. i should win an acting award. what else could i have done, though?

it's crazy, though. months of therapy didn't prepare me for a night like tonight. it knocked the wind out of me. it make my hands tremble. but no one noticed i was shaken up, and that's all i care about.

i've got more on my mind. . . . but that's for another blog. two jobs -- tough. i'm tired.

signing off --