bar exam recovery mode

what a whirlwind this past week has been.

i'm still in massive recovery mode.

i started having panic attacks the 36 hours or so before day 1 of the bar exam. i was fuh-reaking! i totally didn't feel ready and i wasn't remembering crap at all and my innards were a sloshing, queasy mess. i sat around with my outlines and muttered a lot in those last hours, and even when i was roaming around doing household chores or the laundry, i continued to mutter to myself like a crazy schizo bag lady.

if i pass, it will be because of this thing, my savior:

this book is what i turned to during the last two-and-a-half weeks before the bar. i pushed the flash cards aside, i threw my self-generated and bar/bri outlines out the window, and this book became my sole companion. it is absolutely amazing. it costs about $ 65 and was written by one of the bar exam lecturers of my bar review course.

the thing is, this book was written mostly for the california bar exam, but i still think it would be an excellent source for any other state bar exam as well. the california distinctions are made clear in the book, and at the very least, you get an idea of how to format each of your essays for each of the 14 subjects you may encounter on the exam. i did my best to follow the format of the book to the letter.

so DUDE. how about that bar exam, huh?

i've been burned before -- so that's why i'm not going to even offer predictions as to how i did, how i think i did, whether the exam was hard or whether it was easy.

i'll only say that i am so very completely, unequivocally drained.

what an intense few days.

i started thinking, right after day 1 was finished, "this is it?!"

really, you work your ass off and study your heart out for a good long period of time -- and i totally went all out this time -- but all that time and energy you invest can easily become a cloud of dust and mean jack shit the day the results come out and you find out you're not on the pass list.

if anything, what i took out of the experience of this past week was this:

this can be done.

the exam is so do-able. and that's easy to forget after you've failed and during the long time you spend waiting around and studying for the next exam. but seriously, the exam questions are straight-forward. the challenges for us, as examinees, is just to budget time and present a coherent, organized answer.

but it can be done. that's the important thing i have to remember, especially if i fail again. that's how i felt after emerging from each session: it is within my power to pass. all those statistical break-downs of who passes and who doesn't pass really doesn't mean jack or have any bearing on my ability to conquer the bar exam.

anyhow, i was really surprised that we got two professional responsibility questions. two!

not that i'm complaining. i guess.

here are the subjects we got tested on:

day 1:

• torts
• professional responsibility
• criminal law & criminal procedure

day 3:

• wills & trusts
• community property (no moore calculations! yay! *wild, raucous cheering*)
  
• corporations/business organizations & professional responsibility
  

i nearly got screwed on day 3.

i hadn't paid attention to the precise time that the exam began. so about an hour into it, i stopped the proctor to ask in a whisper what time the exam had started. "about 8:50," she whispered back.

turns out the exam had actually started at 8:40. and i didn't find this out until the last hour was called. and i freaked and began hauling ass because i was still not even close to being done with the CP question. ugh! i tell you, that 10 minutes makes an absolute difference. i finally got to the corporations/prof. resp. question when there was about 45 minutes left in the exam, and so i didn't get to fully address the second part of the question that asked about the prof. resp. issues. i did raise 3 prof. resp. issues, and i didn't get to do the 2nd or 3rd issues any justice. . . .

damn you, proctor!!

but i guess i can't fault her too much. i should've paid attention. i knew i was spending too much time on that first question! plus she's new to proctoring.

but still! i got screwed out of 10 minutes!

day 2 was hard. those were the most fucked up multiple-choice questions i've ever seen! is it just me??

there were so many questions in which i could barely eliminate even one answer choice. like, wtf?!

the morning session was hardest. at the lunch-break, i had to really fight against feeling disheartened. but the afternoon session was fine. i think i was able to answer at least the first 10 questions pretty confidently.

but seriously, i'll be surprised if i end up breaking 100 on the damned mbes. they were hard. i did about 950 practice mbe questions in total to prepare, and i don't think that did me any good. my bar review class used questions from reed's bar prep -- and the difficulty level in reed's practice questions, compared with the actual mbe questions on the bar -- well, there really is no comparison whatsoever.

one thing i noticed during the bar is that there are two breeds of people: those who love talking about their answers right after we finish a session and those who don't. i'm of the second category; i don't want to hear or talk about a thing! but the ones in the first category far outweigh those in the second.

so i'm really glad that i didn't know anyone at the bar exam. i would hate having to hear about the exam and talking about it because that would really just freak me out even more. instead, i made sure to put in my ear buds as soon as we were released after each session and start blasting music, 'cause really, people began chattering excitedly about everything. "what did you write for the second question?" "oh, my god -- i think i bombed it!" "i didn't think they'd give us professional responsibility twice!" "so that question was obviously about attractive nuisance, huh?!"

like, shut the hell up!!

and okay, it is not completely true that i didn't know anyone there. i did recognize a couple of guys from the july bar exam. plus, i saw a couple of girls i went to high school with -- yes, high school!

at first, i was relieved to see that they didn't recognize me. one is an indian girl who, i'm pretty sure, rode my bus. the other one was this one cheerleader who was pretty popular. she has brown hair, light eyes, and was really skinny in high school. i think i'd even call her pretty.

i didn't like her then. and i don't like her now -- i see the same pompous air about her that she had back then.

so i took great pleasure in the fact that she's packed on the pounds over the years -- and from the back she has an unmistakable pear shape. like, she's really let herself go!

*evil cackle*

okay, so i'm petty. but really, i need to get my kicks any way i can! i'm poor, i'm unemployed, and i'm a bitter azngrrl. if i want to be judgmental and cackle smugly at other people's imperfections, by george, let me! i get so little pleasure out of anything else lately!

;)

but even though they didn't recognize me at first, they did start giving me curious looks by days 2 and 3. i do look a bit more different than i did in high school, i.e., not a nerdy mess. :-D so it's understandable if they weren't really sure whether they knew me or not.

as for the mpts. . . . all i can say is that there was a lot of crap going on in those mpts. those are the kinds of questions that you just can't fully answer within three hours. i thought day 1's mpt was a little more straight-forward and less messy to deal with. that one was a statute of limitations question and so there were a lot of dates being thrown around. the second mpt was regarding a preliminary injunction. there are four elements to obtaining a PI, and there were only two cases that were provided -- but damn me, if there weren't so many sub-elements to deal with! i almost got confused. but the key with these mpts is just organization. first, read the assignment/call of the question and find out what exactly what your assignment is going to be. letter? memo? persuasive arguments or objective analysis?

and then what i tend to do next just depends on what the call of the question is. but lately, what i like to do is, after reading the assignment, i go straight to the Library and look at the applicable laws that will govern my answer, then read through the cases to get the holdings. i swear, it makes it that much easier to answer an mpt if you just pass through all the facts contained in the File. you can get really swamped with all the bullshit facts that are thrown into the File and easily lose track of what the question wants you to answer. so sometimes, not always, it's just easier to go straight to the law, get what you need, then review the facts to pull out random crap to support your arguments. i used this method when doing the PI mpt. but i didn't use it when doing the statute of limitations one. either way, i was able to start taking notes quickly and not use up the 90 minutes that are recommended for doing essay organization. . . .

anyhow . . . . and that's that. :-P

i'm still whupped today. i tried to go to bed early after getting home yesterday, but then i got a call from a friend of mine: "hey, congratulations! wanna get a beer?" so i did. got home at midnight, tired as hell. went to bed. then at 1 a.m. began freaking out because i remembered that although i had uploaded my essays through examsoft earlier in the evening, i hadn't received an e-mail confirmation from them. i checked my examsoft account online to verify that they did get uploaded, and everything does seem hunky-dory. but i still haven't received my e-mail confirmations as to day 3's essays. so i still can't help but be worried. . . .

still, if i get any shit about it, i at least printed out my download/upload history from examsoft and will be able to prove that i did send everything in.

i finally went to bed at around 2:30 a.m. and slept on and off for . . . a good, long period of time. :)

now, it's time for me to worry about jobs. just last week, i wasn't too concerned about the possibility that i won't be able to pay my bills anymore. but today i started freaking out a little (if it's not one thing, it's another, huh? :-P). i may have to start lowering my standards and start considering jobs that i would rather not consider under normal circumstances . . . . and i also need to start looking out of state, too. . . .

lordy.

this is supposed to be my good luck year, too!! "good luck" my butt!

in any case, i guess i ought to just give myself the weekend to relax, unwind, and not think about that shit. i can start worrying about that and planning my life for the remainder of the year starting monday . . . . and i plan to hit the gym monday too. i'm a lard ass! i have a gut. i look like i'm well into my first trimester of pregnancy. this weight's gotta come off!!

i guess there's plenty of time left for me to make sure this year remains my good luck year.

in the meantime, i just wanna say congratulations to all my blogger bar buddies!! you got through the bar exam! we gave it our all, and now we just gotta play the waiting game. i've got confidence in you guys!! here's hoping everything goes our way this year!

bar exam day checklist

it's almost 6 a.m.

i got 3 really bad hours of sleep. i was too tense to relax, i tossed fitfully, and i mentally yelled at myself for not being ready.

my mom's giving me a ride to the exam site and back these next three days. she's awesome.

so let's see if i've got everything ready. . . .

cup of coffee? in hand -- check.

home-made lunch, complete with pastrami on white with extra mustard, white tortilla chips, strawberry jelly cup, and miniature can of mountain dew? check.

zune music player with the battery charged up? check.

ear plugs and advil? check, check.

starlight mints? check.

number two pencils, colored pencils, and black and blue pens? check.

laptop in sleeve and all the accoutrement? check.

the lemon test, rule 10b-5, the wharton rule, covenants vs. equitable servitudes, 14th amendment equal protection, m'naugten rule, and the doctrine of cy pres? check, check, check, pseudo-check, check, check . . . .

arrgh!!

major mental break down? check.

yo so una dumb ass? check.

majorly fucked? uh-huh. check. . . .

good luck!

i'm disappearing now -- as i should've long ago. :) it's time to get down and dirty in these last remaining days, and i'm cutting myself off from the internet as of now.

i'm centered, i'm calm . . . .

i'm ready to do this.

best of luck to everyone else taking the exam with me next week! we can do this!! you guys will all be in my thoughts, and i'll be sending you good vibes every day from now until we get the results back that we passed! :)

in the meantime, make sure you get a good night's sleep monday night and eat a healthy breakfast tuesday morning! i plan on turning on the rice cooker at 5 a.m. tuesday morning and will eat a light breakfast of rice and pork. that's my comfort food -- and i want to be sure to get the first day going right on my terms. :)

*muah!* love you all! i'll see you guys on the other side, by about this time next week -- and i can't wait to hear your thoughts on how things went. ;)

let's get it done!!

losing it: bar exam, enemy no. 1

sometimes i think i'm fine.

other times, it hits me that i'm not.

i'm still struggling to do something that i have not mastered after all this time, and it's a theme i have returned to now and then on this blog -- which is trying not to personalize this exam and this whole becoming-a-real-attorney thing so much that i come to associate it with my own sense of self-worth.

this is why i miss my shrink. i think my shrink would be of good use to me right about now. he'd already know what i was going to say before i even said it, but he'd listen to me anyway just to humor me, and then tell me to read that one chapter in his book that address the particular issue.

now, usually, people who refer to their own books as the ultimate source for solutions are pompous. my shrink was no exception -- i thought he was pompous when he did that.

but his book is really fantastic. you can find it here on amazon.

i really don't know what to say. all i can say is that i don't want to fail again. i really don't want to.

i am smart enough to know, on an intellectual level, that this exam is not everything. it's not the whole world. and i know i have pretty adequate skill-sets that will help me earn a good living in any other field i choose.

and yet, irrational as it may seem, this exam is my whole world. if i fail again, then i'll take the motherfucker again. but while i do so, the rest of my life remains on hold; everything gets put away and shelved -- my friends, family, work, reading, writing, running, drinking, all the things i enjoy. and it sucks. i'm frustrated as hell by it all.

i should know this exam is not me. it is not the sum of my self-worth. the scoring of the essays is hit or miss. graders take less than 2 minutes to read through each essay. they don't care what you write about or how you write. they just cursorily skim through your writing, make marks where you mention certain issues, then total up the score. they're paid $ 3 for every essay they read -- hence the fact that they speed through the "reading" of as many essays as they can. this is what we're all up against, as bar examinees. but california is the worst of all the states. this state has one of the worst bar passage rates in the nation because of the presence of the non-aba accredited schools in the state.

the california state bar must love these non-accredited schools. folks from non-aba schools far out-number folks like me, who come from out-of-state aba-accredited schools. i've seen the pass rate for schools like mcgeorge, stanford, uc berkeley, and i've seen the stats for those from the non-accredited schools, like humphreys, university of northern california, etc. there is just no comparison; the non-accredited folks have a really crummy pass rate.

can you imagine the amount of money that comes pouring in from thousands of applicants each year, many of them repeaters like myself? the thing is, california likes keeping the pass rate low. i pay over $ 800 not just to take the exam but to take it on a laptop. i'm just one of tens of thousands of people who continually fork over the dough every six months to keep the coffers of the california state bar association full. there is one lady in my bar review class who's been taking that same bar review course for the past ten years. how do i know? because her picture is hung on the wall in the classroom and dated february 1998.

i don't want to think about how much money she's spent on taking and re-taking the bar the past ten years.

the lecturers in my bar review class keep telling us to take heart and not be daunted by the low pass rates, especially for february. "there are over 200,000 attorneys currently licensed in the state of california," they say. "do you know how many of those 200,000 are dumb asses? you guys" -- pointing to us in the room -- "are a hundred times smarter than them, and you deserve to be counted in that number as much as those dumb asses."

but those dumb ass attorneys are not the enemy; the california state bar exam is.

it get me mad when i think about it. there is no uniform or systematic way of grading the essays. the graders are compensated for the number of essays they grade, and not for the quality or consistently of the grading. who gets fucked? me, you, any repeater.

and i'm not saying i deserved to pass. i fucked up that second MPT in july and miscued. i totally deserve to be sitting here all bummed out and driven crazy with stress and freaking out.

but even as i go through the motions yet again, i do not have hope. and i don't say that in a bitch-and-whine way. i say that in a resigned kind of way.

there is just no experience like this one. i was just thinking that the other night as i lay in bed at about 2 o' clock in the morning and no longer able to keep my eyes open to read another page of yet another black letter law outline. law school and bar review study are the most draining experiences ever. i entered law school as an optimistic over-achiever who had been lauded and loved by all the teachers and professors i'd ever had. and law school was the first time i realized that hard work, determination, and desire didn't really necessarily mean that you could achieve your goals after all. my low point was receiving those first semester grades as a 1L. it shattered me. but it was a good lesson in learning how to not set any more high expectations for myself. and i know i'm not the only one to have felt that way.

it's kinda the same with studying for the bar. it is a do-or-die situation. it's not like the masters examination where you come in armed with the five or six books that you're supposed to have read and sit down to answer a couple of open-ended questions in a timed situation. with the masters exam, there is plenty of wiggle-room; implicitly, you're encouraged to be creative in your response, with the only caveat being that you cite to the text to support your answer and try to remain true to the text.

seriously, i'd rather do a masters exam in english lit every day for the rest of my life than do the bar.

with the bar -- at least the california one -- you just better know shit. and not only know it, but organize it. underline, embolden the key words and issues so that they stand out and so that the precious grader doesn't actually have to read your words but can just make a tick mark on your essay to acknowledge that you thought about it. can't be too wordy because, again, you don't want to waste precious grader's time. but be concise and every time you address a new issue, always use these: "under," "here," "therefore."

issue, rule, conclusion; issue, rule, conclusion; issue, rule, conclusion. . . .

isn't that fucked? it makes me laugh but in a humorless way. the bar exam is not about what you know. it's about how you take the damned test.

i sound bitter, i know. and i'm really sorry for that. but i can't help it. i hate this thing, i really do. and this comes from a girl who is often reluctant to use the word "hate." i like to think i'm open-minded enough to not feel such strong feelings towards any one thing (well, except for bad drivers, animal abusers, wife-beaters, most neo-cons, and oh, this one relative of mine who's a really mean, crass, judgmental bitch). but this bar exam is really pushing it for me -- and so the word fits.

*weary sigh*

i'm off to bed to sleep this off.

oh, but i do have good news which is one of the foremost highlights of the past week: i followed up with that agency i interviewed with last week. the reason i haven't heard back from them is because they're still in the process of interviewing. so i'm to check back with them next week to see what's up.

i really would be surprised if i didn't get it. the timed writing i did was kick-ass for a twenty-minute job. i even added a title and divided the answer into sections flowing in a logical, coherent order.

my sister recommends just continuing to send out applications. she didn't blink an eye when i said i've already sent out 19, which i thought was already a lot, and she pretty much told me i need to do more until i get at least a few more calls. so i'm going to try to send out another 20 by friday (imagine me passing a hand over my weary eyes). i'll give it until mid-march to see if i have any prospects in or around town. i'd consider doing some clerking if not for the fact that it just pays so much less . . . . if nothing pops up, it may be my cue to leave town or even the state.

ugh. i need to go check to see if i have begun to sprout any white hairs on my head. i will try to hang on to my sanity at least until the end of next thursday.

but thereafter, abbagirl will need to go on vacation and get a mental break. she needs to reclaim her mojo, be able to unwind by downing one cosmopolitan after another, and remember how to be the dancing queen she used to be.

frozen.

there i was yesterday, minding my own business and trying to touch up on my review of the commerce clause, aggregate doctrine, and that damned lopez holding (what did lopez hold again?? i keep forgetting. see? azn airhead), when lo and behold, something happened to make my heart sink.

this: the governor of california has called for an immediate hiring freeze and budget cuts throughout the state until the $ 14 billion-plus deficit is fixed.

frozen, just like that.

upon this bit of news, i rushed over to the state personnel board's website. this site is the hub for all the open job positions throughout the state for all the bureaucratic agencies. i wanted to see how the governor's announcement impacted the job announcements. there had been a good four pages worth of openings for my job classification when i was last on the website just the night before.

finally, after many attempts to open the website at all, i found there are only two pages of openings.

nooooooo!!

good news: some of the jobs i applied to are still up. . . . but who knows for how long. they can just as easily yank those posts down in the next 30 seconds. that one department i interviewed with last week still has their four vacancies posted up. and i have ten applications that i finished putting together today that i will put in the mail anyway in the half-hearted hope that someone will see my application, fall in love with me, and want to interview and hire me.

uh-huh. not bloody likely. but please let me dream, else i have a complete mental breakdown before i even take the bar. :-P

and i'm not above begging; in the next few moments, i'm going to call up the agency that i interviewed with, now that they will have had a good week to think about it, and beg them for the job.

i guess we'll see. . . .

but it sucks having to worry about a job at this point. i was so sure that i would be employed and have a job lined up by the time march came. and i didn't want to waste any time; financially things are just getting tighter and tighter by the day -- and my student loans are set to go off deferment in may this year . . . .

fuck! a hiring freeze now of all times!

i guess this is karmic retribution for always being so full of myself. this is the fates smacking me on my ass for always being presumptuous. i was so sure that i would be hired at least by now! and yes, i did want to be hired by the state. i want my old salary and my old health benefits back. i need a new stash of contact lenses and a new pair of spectacles. and to tell the truth, i'd like to go see my shrink again. that ol' coot rocks. i miss him.

being poor is NOT the way to go. i never thought, after my starving grad student/law student days, that there'd still be days like this. and yet i take full responsibility for this. i'm a huge believer in personal responsibility. i belong to that school of thought that says that if you manage to dig yourself into a hole, then you're more than capable of digging yourself out. well, time for me to prove this mantra true.

ugh -- but after the bar.

i'm going to give it a few weeks for something to come through for me job-wise. if need be, i'm just gonna get outta town and go where the job market's better.

otherwise, i'm in deep frozen shit come march.

this is supposed to be my good luck year. this is the year of the frickin' RAT, the year that is one-third of the way through the zodiac cycle. good things come in thirds, every four years.

so why do i feel totally fucked at the moment?

damn it, where's my bloody mary? i need a drink.

weekend: survived

i am in a giddy giggling mood -- but the kind of giggling that is humorless, empty, and perhaps even on the verge of hysterical. it is from being pooped and feeling so strung out, i think.

i haven't had a weekend this bad since that one time i went to a bachelorette party, got completely drunk off my ass, got down and dirty with the male stripper, got naked with the other girls as we danced together in a mad-happy drunken orgy (to this day, i still don't know how my bra came off of me . . . ), ended up hugging the toilet for the remainder of the night, then feebly tried to drive home 40 miles through a snow blizzard in my little little car with the manual transmission still pissed drunk.

no, no, the party was not the bad part of the weekend -- recovering the next 36 hours was. ;)

ha! wow. just remembering that fantastic party has lifted my mood tremendously.

anyhow, these past three days were absolute hell. i feebly tried to pick up an outline when i got home but instead found myself nodding off. and so i napped -- but am still a bit muggy-minded.

we did a practice run of the entire three days of the bar exam, finishing day 3 today, and even though i was half-hearted through it all (instead of concentrating on the essays, for example, i spent most of the exam time trying to connect my laptop to the internet -- mostly to no avail), i'm glad i forced myself to just go and do it. first day of essays sucked, the second day of mbes was so-so, and today, the third day, was actually better.

i say the mbes were just so-so because although i got a raw score of 138, i had already seen a good chunk of those questions before in prior practice questions i'd done for homework before. so i was mostly all, "wtf?" for the entire 4 hours i did the multiple choice questions. like, i kinda feel cheated. here i am, having done most of my mbe homework for the past couple of months, only to have our 3-day simulation be a repeat of the very same questions i'd done before?

i've been cheated, i tell you! for the past couple of weeks, i have been thinking that this bar review class is a rip-off, and this only confirms it. i want my money back!!

and no, that's no joke or typo above; i only spent 4 hours on my mbes yesterday, not the full 6. and that's normal; it takes me 2 hours to do 100 questions.

it freaks people out. they think i skip questions, that i'm not reading, that i'm giving up, or that i'm a whiz.

it's none of the above, actually. i'm just a fast reader.

i've tried to slow down when doing the practice mbes on my own. and i thought i was taking it easy and slow when i did the simulated exam yesterday. but then, after every fifty questions i did, i'd look at the clock, expecting a full hour to have gone by ('cause trust me, it sure feels like it), only to see that maybe 30-35 minutes have lapsed.

but at this point, i cannot change too much about what i do. i will still be conscientious and try to be careful in answering each question. but if my pace is comfortable, and it is, then i'll stick with doing them as i'm used to doing them.

plus, it's kinda fun to psych people out when they think you're a whiz -- even if nothing could be further than the truth.

i just like fucking with people's minds. :)

today's essays were MUCH better. i did a better job of outlining my answers, and the MPT question was actually more simple than friday's: two tasks to deal with (draft persuasive facts and arguments for appellate brief to the almighty "columbia court of appeals") instead of four.

but overall, i'm still massively weak. i really need to bone up on certain topics. i still need to memorize my intro paragraphs that are necessary to certain topics, like with community property or con law issues, and there are lots of sub-areas within subjects that are weaker than others -- covenants, cy pres doctrine, and other weird little random shit like that. like, i know what they are! but it's just a different story for me when i try to write out my analysis. . . .

that's why the main goal for me is to do more practice essays this week. it's just like driving: you can read the driver's manual all you want, but if you really want to learn how to drive, you have to put the pedal to the metal. and this is the part i'm always just so lazy about. it's hard to be motivated when it comes to doing these things.

but if the fact that there's only ONE WEEK LEFT doesn't scare me enough into doing it, then i've got no business trying to do this thing.

ugh. time to go find the bed. if anything, i can be glad of one thing: i survived this practice run. and now i need to make sure i'm ready for the real one.

a PT-ish kind of day

by that, i mean, Pretty Tiring. i pretty much just got up from a five-hour nap. if a five-hour snooze fest can be considered a nap.

it was also Public Transportation day. i took the the train downtown again to avoid paying for parking. it was a nice mellow ride.

we had a Practice Test run at the bar review class today. today was a simulation for day 1: 6 hours of essay-writing.

i had a Performance Test melt-down. had absolutely no idea how to answer the practice MPT question at all. i mean, i thought i did until i re-read the prompt about 90 minutes into it and realized i'd miscued. damn it. it was a question that was actually used on the july 2001 california bar exam. so in other words, i would've failed the summer 2001 bar exam, too. but overall, i'm glad i did it -- because i know that i just need confidence in my ability to pull out the rule from my ass even if i don't know the exact rule verbatim and also because i now know where my weak areas still are (covenants!!!). but the other girl who's usually my partner in crime called in to say she was sick -- and she has missed a lot of classes -- so not sure how dedicated she is to passing, which makes me worried for her sake . . . .

Poultry-Tending day. just kidding -- my hens are not poultry. i just Pilfer Their eggs. and they were Pretty Ticked that i hadn't come out to see them for a while. oh, and i also came across a mouse in the food bin; i've no idea how it got into a sealed bin that is four feet off the ground with completely unclimbable sides. and when it jumped out at me, i Panicked The hell out and screamed like, well, a girl.

but the main reason why today is a PT-ish kind of day: i will be Perpetually Thankful to the anonymous commenter who took the time to craft that excellent explanation of the moore approach to my post from the other day. i've read through anonymous' explanation six times now, and it is amazing how clearly i understand it. it is really the best explanation i've ever seen.

thank you so much, anonymous. you've totally made my day. and i've got no words for how grateful i am.

:)

a bullet-point kind of day

• i'm an azn airhead. arrrgh!!!
  
  i'm having the damnedest time memorizing these stinkin' rules! no wonder i'm a repeater.
  
  #@?&^%$!!!
  

• i actually went to real estate class tonight. this class is one of three that you're required to take in order to take your real estate licensing test. i'm taking it through a local j.c., and the class seems like a total breeze so far. it's taught by a guy who used to be an attorney but stopped practicing because he hated the job. so now he's doing real estate -- and teaching on the side.
  
  i'm glad i went to class -- tonight's topic was on (whaddya know?) california community property and forms of ownership. the lecture didn't go into as much depth as, say, the bar exam requires, but it was still a good overview, and i'm pseudo-glad i went.
  
  i may miss next week's class, though. and then the first exam (100 points) will be the week after, on day 3 of the exam. even though it is possible for me to zip over to class right after the bar exam that day, since it is an evening class, the prof says he's totally willing to work with me because he doesn't think i'd be in any condition to take his exam. that's a huge load off my mind.
  
  for the record, i didn't tell him i had a bar exam coming up. i had my cover blown by someone with whom i'm taking the class -- and so before i knew it, the whole class knew why i didn't go to class last week without me saying a single word. but if nothing had been said, i certainly would have put out the effort to take the test that day. now that i don't have to, well, i won't. :-D
  

• i've been wondering: will i be able to make it through all three days of the bar exam without the familiar, comforting weight of my dog curled up and snoring on my lap? i really don't think i can. i've gotten so used to her; i know i'll feel bereft.

• because of my state of azn airheadedness, i have added ginseng pills to my daily diet to help improve my memory. i'll let you know if i grow any new brain cells as a result. oh, and i also got myself a bottle of caffeine pills.
  
  who knows. they may come in handy.

• what's up with this jason kidd nonsense? if it wasn't bad enough that he's a wife beater, he's also a whiner!
  
  apparently, new jersey and dallas were on the verge of completing a trade -- jason kidd and malik allen going to the mavericks in exchange for devin harris, jerry stackhouse, desagana diop, maurice ager, and devean george. and the only reason the trade fell through was because george exercised an option in his contract that pretty much allows him to veto any trade that he's involved in.
  
  pretty smart, whoever george's agent is.
  
  i feel for kidd. he's a championship-caliber guy, and i know he's itching to be on a contending team.
  
  but do you have to whine?
  
  some great players who never won a championship but never whined about it include patrick ewing, karl malone, john stockton, dominique wilkins, the great sir charles barkley. seriously, mr. kidd, i know you're on a sucky ass team despite playing alongside vince carter and richard jefferson, but have some dignity, for pete's sake.

• i have a three-day simulated bar exam, starting tomorrow morning, at my bar review class. conditions will be exactly like the bar. tomorrow will be essays, saturday will be multiple choice, and then sunday will be essays again.
  
  dammit. i seriously am not ready. i'm screwed! and then when it's all said and done, and our practice exams have been scored, richard will give me a hard time and wonder why i didn't do better then i did. and then i'll say, "because i'm an azn airhead, richard! i'm sorry!" but i know he won't buy it.
  
  i can't wait for these next two weeks to be over and done with.
  
  and yet i can wait, if you know what i mean. :-P

• i can't wait to get shit-faced.
  

f*cking hell

the subject of community property is (arguably) pretty straightforward.

so long as you stick to the general title presumption that all property acquired during marriage is community property and remember the ways that this presumption can be overcome -- as well as the other special presumptions and the other things like tracing methods and when to use van camp or pereira. . . .

shit, there is so much shit to try to remember!

but i looked at the sample answer provided by the calbar website, and there really is nothing sophisticated about it. in fact, it makes me feel like a moron. i scored lowest on that cp question.

but wanna know why i really hate community property?

because of the fucking moore approach.

a book i have provides this sample definition that it suggests we should recite if we should encounter a moore issue on the bar exam:

Under the Moore approach, the community acquires an interest in separate property assets if community funds are used to pay down loans against the property. The community interest is the amount of community funds paid to reduce the loan principal balance (c) plus the portion of total capital appreciation equal to the part of the original purchase price (b) paid for with community funds.

HUH? WTF --?!

and then in parenthetical reference, the book adamantly insists that we "must learn the math!" (yes, in bolded text, just like that), and it provides this explanation for how to actually put the moore approach to use:

If the house originally cost C and, at divorce, the value is V, capital appreciation is V-C.

okay. i'm with you so far.

If the community pays down the mortgage balance by amount P, the community has a right to that amount back.

good. makes total sense. still with you.

In addition, the community has an interest in the appreciation equal to (P/C x (V-C)). In all, the community interest is P + (P/C x (V-C)).

me: eyes glazed over, mouth agape, drool escaping from corner of mouth.

what the flying fuck does that mean?

damn it. i hate cp!

today's interview

shit.

so how'd the interview go?

somewhere between mediocre and good, to tell the truth. not stellar. i certainly could've done better. it was a combination of a bit of nervous energy from the coffee i'd consumed just before the interview as well as sheer exhaustion.

i'm not exactly sure whether i'll be getting a job offer . . . . and yet my instincts are telling me that i'll get the offer by early next week.

at the very least, i can say that i looked all right. especially considering the fact that i put together an outfit in about 15 minutes flat this morning. i didn't oversleep or anything; i woke up at 7 a.m. after only four hours of sleep :( and was just so sluggish. i just wanted to enjoy my coffee here at home for as long as i could before venturing out into the world outside my house. :-P

anyhow, i went all jcrew-y for the interview. here's what i wore:

trouser pants kind of like this but from way trendier urbanoutfitters and of a darker brown:

blue-striped, button-down with the top buttons left unbuttoned:

short-sleeve sweater over the button-down shirt like this one, but in a cream color with blue-green patterned argyle and a v-neck:

the two, when worn together, is supposed to look like this:

and then a velvet jacket, from last winter's jcrew line, but in peacock blue:

my sister got me a jcrew gift card for my birthday last year that i didn't use for a whole half-year! so when i finally splurged, i got this jacket when it finally went on sale over christmas. it has an amazing fit! and it was the last one in my size, too. :)

to top it off, i tied a cream-colored silk scarf that had splashes of a bronze print around my waist as a sash and wore bronze-colored pointy-toed sling-backs. as for make-up, yes, i did have to really layer on the concealer. :-P

but it was fun to actually take the time to look nice. i usually just pull on jeans, a hoodie, and sneakers. sometimes i even make the extra effort to wear a bra :-D (i'm small-boobed. so i take advantage while i still can and avoid wearing bras unless i have to). so today, i was glad to change up my daily routine a bit. getting checked out by the construction guys was nice, too. :)

my first impressions about the department and the interview:

the building looks exactly like the building i used to work in when i worked for evil boss. it was eerie, like walking backward in time into my memories. and yet the building has an overall friendlier vibe. it is not as dark or austere in the lobby.

cube space. if i worked there, i'd be sitting in a cube, kind of like in the show the office. nothing but an endless sea of never-ending cubes. the decor in the office and indeed most of the building is a dull greyish green. the bathroom i stopped of into, before heading into the interview, had faded walls that you could tell used to be of a neon green color but has now faded into a tired looking pea green. the doors of the toilet stalls, however, were a bright orange. i got a sinking feeling in my stomach looking at it all.

the first part of my interview, i had to do a writing test. i think i kicked butt. the question was an open-ended one, and i typed about a page-and-a-half, single-spaced for about twenty minutes, then lounged around (like, there was no one there watching me) for the remaining ten minutes until the office technician (equivalent to a receptionist) came over to tell me time was up.

then i waited another ten minutes for my interviewers to get ready for the interview.

my impressions of them?

they are career state workers. meaning they are no-nonsense, they clawed their way up to management level positions, and don't remember what it's like to laugh. one was an older white lady, i would say in her fifties, and she looked like she would be one of those kindly older women you see working as RNs in hospitals -- until you looked into her humorless eyes and could tell she wouldn't take no crap from anyone. but overall, she was more approachable than the other interviewer.

the other lady was asian, and i'd place her age in the thirties-forties range. she looks japanese, but when she introduced herself, her surname seemed to place her as filipina. i made a few joking remarks during the interview, and after each joke, she never laughed right away as the other white lady did but paused as if to think about it, and then she'd laugh, too.

it is because they were kinda crusty that i don't know whether i'll be offered the job. it's my impression that a personality like mine -- kinda light-hearted, full of quips -- is something they aren't used to seeing. so it could be my personality and how i got along with them would be a tip-off to them that i wouldn't fit in well at the office.

and yet at the same time, if they were as smart as i think they are, they'd offer me a job because of those very reasons: because i'm light-hearted. oh, and smart and hard-working to boot.

at the start of the interview, i was given a number of duty-statements to review as well as an org. chart for the office. after i read through each of the duty statements, i spent quite a bit of time scrutinizing the org. chart. i could discern 6 vacant positions that this particular office currently has -- 4 analyst openings, and 2 front-office/receptionist type positions.

this is a red flag for me: four openings at one time in one single office that has no more than 20 employees. it's rare. and it's never a good sign of a positive environment.

another red flag: the job bulletin that this office put up that i responded to has been posted since november/december of last year. in this bureaucratic system, no job remains open for more than 2 months unless there's just something messed up at the particular office.

a third red flag: my interviewers totally remind me of evil boss and her even more evil henchwoman. not sure how much i really want to go back into a situation as bad as that was.

i'm not trying to be ruby gloom-ish. i'm just being pragmatic. and those are just some of the aspects that are making me feel cautious at the moment.

the positives would include the fact that this job's duties are right up my alley: research regs, draft documents, talk to people, and that's about it.

oh, and one thing i am dreading is the fact that they will call evil boss because, being a stupid idiot, i left her name on my resume as one of my references. fuck. evil boss has been wanting me to come back and work for her, and i think she'll be pretty disappointed that i am seeking out a position elsewhere instead of contacting her and trying to get back into her office. if she's professional about it, she'll understand that this is the way the game is in the bureaucratic system. but if worst comes to worst, if she talks smack about me, there really is no way for me to know.

but she wouldn't do that. . . .

i think.

at the very least, she'll give me a raving reference, but then talk shit about me to her evil henchwoman sidekick.

anyway, i shouldn't be worrying about this. plus, i am so tired. i've got other things to think about besides.

time to go back to bar study. i just need to take it one day at a time. . . .

p.s. i think i'm going to fail the bar again.

empathy and chuck's belly

something that i think is so underrated in society these days is the ability to empathize.

we all get so caught up in our lives, get caught up in the stress of the here-and-now, and we often forget that we're not the only ones with crap going on in our lives.

when i think of people who aren't good at empathizing, i actually think of certain people in my immediate family who have pretty bad tempers which flare up when their immediate needs or whims aren't addressed or placated. i think, to compensate for that and make sure i never struck the fear of the devil in anyone or cause any disharmony, i came to develop at an early age a rather overly sensitive nature.

my mom is of a rather empathetic nature herself. but sometimes even she gets exasperated with me if i am too sensitive. but you know, i actually don't mind being that way for the most part, although sometimes it is more trouble than it's worth. but i'd rather be this way than be the exact opposite -- a la certain other people in my immediate family. simply put, it means that i can empathize and deflate situations before they go out of control. and it also means, in a way, i can retain control over situations and make sure no tempers explode.

as i study for the bar exam (and try to keep out of the way of certain explosive tempers within my family :-P), and with so much stuff going on in my mind, i can't help but notice and admire how common law has totally incorporated this notion of empathy into certain legal principles.

for instance, with tort law: say you're walking down a sidewalk, minding your own business, when suddenly you hear a shriek pierce the air. your eyes dart in the direction that you heard the scream come from, and you see a big fat bully standing menacingly over someone who appears to have fallen on the ground and is now cowering with arms held over her head. you rush over to the person on the ground -- even though you have no duty to rescue -- and as the bully raises a fist up in the air to punch at the woman on the ground again, you throw yourself into the melee, take a sucker-punch to the face for the woman, then you kick the bully in the 'nards.

the law says that once you come to the defense of a person against whom a battery is committed, you're entitled to "step into the shoes" of the person you're rescuing -- and you're thus also entitled to use the same amount of force that the person would be able to use in the same situation to defend herself. and if the bully then turns his attention on you, and you end up getting beat up, the law will allow you to recover against mr. bully for your injuries instead of thumbing a nose at you and saying, "too bad, so sad" for your troubles.

power of empathy.

you also see it in contract law. i'm not as good at thinking up fact-patterns for contracts, so i won't even bother. but one example is the rights of an intended beneficiary to a contract. an intended beneficiary has no rights under a contract -- because he's only a third party -- until those rights vest. and once those rights do vest, he can "step into the shoes" of the party who had made him the intended beneficiary, gaining the same rights and liabilities against the other party if the other party does not perform his end of the bargain as well as the same defenses as if he had been the original party to the contract.

again, power of empathy.

isn't that neat? seriously, this stuff can really be cool (and totally understandable) when it's broken down simply and contextually like this. :-P

anyhow, empathy is what's on my mind right now. empathy is a great tool for developing as a person and in developing a greater awareness of how people think and operate. empathy is what bridges the distance between people's minds as they seek to develop a common understanding and respect for each other. empathy is also what sometimes makes you overlook the crappy qualities in other people instead of lashing out with a bitchy snarl and instead learn to develop at least positive relationships. i think it says a lot for our very own legal system to have this very principle embedded within various doctrines within our body of law. but the catch is that it is something you have to affirmatively choose to do. empathy starts in the mind and is carried out with words and acts. it is one thing to think, in your mind, that you understand someone; it's quite another to show it.

but perhaps that is too much thinking. i should probably turn in now. i have that job interview downtown early tomorrow morning (at 10 a.m. *horrified gasp*). i might take the lightrail down so that i don't have to worry about finding a parking spot during business hours. i haven't even picked out what i'm going to wear . . . !

i have told a few of my extended family members that i had a job interview at this particular state agency. they were horrified and said that they did not think i'd like it there. apparently, this agency just has a huge attrition rate. and when i talked to my mom about it later, she says i shouldn't expect state-of-the-art technology even at the usual level that i'm used to, because this particular agency is at the bottom of the pile, when it comes to receiving state funds.

*sigh* so you can imagine how excited i am about tomorrow. :-P

but i'll still give it a shot and see what happens.

my only fear is that this agency will have lots of unsightly obese people. i don't mean chubby, pudgy, or portly -- which are all totally fine -- but obese. and unfortunately, bureaucratic institutions are just full of them -- but this one may have more than the usual allotment of obese state workers.

that's soo un-p.c. to say. good thing i'm anonymous on this blog.

when i worked as an auditor, there was this fifty-ish year old man who took an unnatural liking to me. i'll say his name is chuck. chuck was big. i'd say he was a good three or four times my weight. he had these really gross, long, disgusting nails. and his gut was just so massive, it didn't seem like he had a waist anymore.

he would make for a really great santa claus. if he weren't so weird.

chuck, despite his size, has no concept of personal space. he liked to come visit me in my cubicle and virtually press his belly into my face as he talked to me. the first few times he did this, i pointedly tried to recede away from him to create more distance. but the 'tard would just keep moving forward until the back of my chair was pressed up against my desk and i could not move backward anymore. and i'd be trapped -- in a sitting position, no less, hard up against the back of my chair -- between my desk and chuck's belly.

i am 5'5. at that time i weighed about 105. i am tiny compared to 400-pound chuck. and you can imagine how uncomfortable and powerless i would feel at those times. it's funny, yeah -- but also intimidating.

so i had to resort to new tactics whenever i saw chuck coming. i either plugged my headphones into my ears (which never really worked anyway) or i would stand up and sit on the corner of my desk as he approached and just make sure he never trapped me like that again. and whenever he stepped a bit too close to me, i'd pointedly take a step back to maintain that nice comfortable distance between us.

chuck, chuck. ugh. and his nails were really gross. the majority of them were at least half-an-inch long! eww!

and that is where my power to empathy ends. i am a person who would happily stand in your shoes and sympathize with you -- so long as you don't press your distended belly, if you've got one, into my face, don't invade my personal space, and at least take care to trim your nails.

;)

anyhow, wish me luck on my interview. i will be slathering on lots of nars concealer in the hopes of hiding the bags under my eyes. and i suppose i ought to go iron my clothes for tomorrow. . . .

signs abbagirl is stressed out and/or needs a hug

1. i'm often cold when outside -- even though it's been 65 degrees here lately.

somehow, i just lose the ability to regulate my own body heat even more than usual when i am worked up and stressed out like this. i must either bundle up with layers or hover near a heat source.

seriously, my metabolism is out of whack. i drink lots of coffee and eat lots of junk, but despite not having worked out in, like, a month, my metabolism has jumped to hyperspeed. not to be all t.m.i., but i'm actually peeing things out almost as quickly as i guzzle 'em down.

weird.

2. i look like absolute crap.

the dark circles under my eyes make me look like a ghoul.

but know what? i'm totally beyond caring.

:-P

3. even the act of smiling, whether forced or genuine, can sometimes make me feel like crying.

or maybe it's just that time of the month.

4. despite having a crappy night the other night, a hug from my grandmother made it all worthwhile.

ever since i found out i failed the july bar, i've been laying low and pretty much have stopped seeing most of my extended fam. in fact, it's been perhaps four months now since i've seen most of them, except for one of my aunts. it's not like me; like, i otherwise usually stop my grandparents' house at least a few times a month and e-mail others on a regular basis.

so my grandmother was glad to see me. and when i saw the familiar crows feet by her eyes crinkle up as she smiled affectionately and gladly at me, i could feel the emotions swelling up (see 3. above).

i love my ba ngoai. she rocks. and she's fierce! don't mess with my grandma!!

5. even when tired, i still can't fall asleep because i start thinking about failing and my pulse starts racing, and then i end up having a poor night of sleep.

this should be read in conjunction with 2. above.

6. i'm appreciating the small things.

the small things give me a much needed mental reprieve more so than usual and make me remember that i should also enjoy being alive.

for instance, i relish the nice, clean feeling i get from shaving all my important bits clean.

and on saturday, when i took the lightrail downtown to my bar review class, despite the gross lingering smell of the hobos in the train car, i appreciated the smooth ride and how it kinda put me in a contemplative, meditative, soothing trance.

and i love studying with my dog curled on my lap. she's precious. it's a beautiful thing to have pets -- but even more so when they love you, trust you, and demonstrate their utmost loyalty to you. it's truly a gift.

i'm off to get ready for bed now. tonight, i fully intend to give myself sweet, blissful release. i deserve it! i intend to crawl under the blankets, languishly fall back onto the pillows, reach over to my nightstand to grab my stuff, then drive myself crazy and satisfy my lust by. . .

doing civ. pro. flashcards.

until i fall into hopefully restful sleep.

:) g'night.

chuc mung nam moi

stevie wonder -- "superstitious"

asian people are very superstitious. while it is the american way to work hard and diligently for everything we want and let things come as they may, asians don't like leaving things up to chance. therefore, every stone will be upturned and every possible jinx safeguarded against.

especially this thursday, february 7, 2007, at the start of the new lunar year, there are important things to do and not do if you want this year, the year of the rat, to bring you lotsa good luck.

for instance, clean your house from top to bottom before new year's eve, then make sure to put all the cleaning supplies away! don't wash your hair on new year's, either, because it's believed you'll wash all your bad luck away (although i'm not sure i'm completely sold on this; if i go a single day without washing my hair, i go crazy!). wear red for especially great luck. and don't offend the spirits by talking smack, using foul language, getting into fights, or talking about death.

i'm 27. but i'm not married. that means i can still receive good luck money in those red envelopes just like all the other young kids in the fam. :oD

but the main event of the start of the new lunar year consists of praying to ancestors and making offerings. my family intends to cook or bring a whole boatload of food to my grandparents' house on thursday, and each dish will be offered up to the shrine that my grandparents maintain in a room that is completely dedicated to the ancestors. in this room are pictures and remembrances of all the people in the family who came before us and whose spirits now keep vigilance over us, the living, today. there are also pictures of buddha and a lady goddess.

generally, you are supposed to pray a couple of times a day to your ancestors, but prayers will be especially important on new year's day. and there will be the scent of incense, which i find to be the most reassuring scent in the world, wafting around.

we have to offer the food to the spirits first. because they have no physical form, they partake of the offered food by inhaling its essence. and once they've had their fill, the food's brought back to the main area, and we can all dig in. it's bad luck to eat food that's intended for the spirits before it's been offered to them. like, really bad luck.

all this may sound like irrational gibberish.

but i'm here to assert that it's not.

and i don't say that because this has been a part of my lived experience my whole life. i say it because i have huge respect for this. the way i hear it, the spirits are your life-line, and you are, in a way, theirs.

the worship of ancestors is patrilineal. when a woman marries, she stops paying tribute to the ancestors she grew up worshiping and instead must pay homage to the ancestors of her husband's family. only this past year did i realize the implications that this had on my mom. she was very close to her grandmother on her dad's side. this grandmother, my great-grandmother, was left behind when the city of saigon fell; she knew she was too old to try to escape and so she insisted that she get left behind. it was a harried, desperate time, and the decision to run to escape the communists was made rather instantaneously -- as soon as word reached the city that the communists were coming.

when my mom talks about that, about leaving her grandmother behind, i hear the sadness in her voice. they were just very close. the grandmother died within a year or two after my mom and her family escaped out of vietnam to the united states. it breaks my heart even now, because my family here was never able to see her again.

it was only last january that my grandparents and mom could return to vietnam and visit my great-grandmother at a cemetary. it was an especially poignant moment to be standing there and look upon my great-grandmother's tombstone. i remember it quite clearly: my mom started recounting stories about her relationship with her while my grandmother started setting up offerings on top of the grave -- food, incense, and fake money that we burned.

there's such a sense of continuity when it comes to ancestor worship. you never forget who comes before you. my great-grandmother was a source of consolation to my mom while my mom was growing up -- and continues to be to this very day.

in vietnam, we also visited graves of other family members -- my great-grandparents on my grandmother's side, distant aunts and uncles. i do not want to recount what we did because it feels sacrilegious to do so. suffice to say, it was a time of reunion, a time for re-establishing connections, and a way to show remembrance. that trip to vietnam changed me in so many ways that are just so inexplicable.

you know me. i'm agnostic. i'm a relativist. i'm totally secular-minded, so completely absorbed in the here-and-now rather than the sweet eternal ever-after.

nonetheless, i know that when the time comes, i'll be carrying on the traditions, too. i will remember those who came before me and make sure that they continued to be honored in life.

i've got no brothers. just two sisters. my dad is the last in his line, the last one to carry on the surname. there is some worry that, if my sisters and i never have kids, there will be no one to remember the ancestors in his line. in fact, an aunt (my dad's sister) has suggested to my mom that perhaps they should consider adopting a boy who could take on our family's name.

i think that'd be a great idea, but, um, that's not likely. *ahem* at all. like, ever.

and so you know it falls upon the responsible child -- i.e., me -- to start thinking about and planning for the future. i will not have my family be forgotten.

it's not that my sisters and cousins on my dad's side of the family don't care. i think they just don't really think about these things.

and like i say, i'm the responsible, conscientious, goody-two-shoes one. so it must be me.

not that i'm superstitious or anything. ;)

anyhow, chuc mung nam moi! happy new year!

priorities

the bar is the most important thing to me right now.

it is the portal through which new possibilities are awaiting me.

passing it may lead to a much-desired but never-before-obtainable career path.

it may bring me financial and job security.

it may allow me to be welcomed into the fold of that elite strata of society of that funky bunch of people known as attorneys.

it could change my life for the better -- or for the worse.

it is an all-encompassing goal that my life has been directed towards at for, like, ever now. it is the pivotal hurdle i have to leap over.

i should be concentrating on it to the exclusion of all else. nothing else should pass through my mind except visions of myself slowly, inexorably, yet with quietly assured confidence getting through the three-day examination and passing.

so then why am i letting myself get distracted from the task at hand?

why am i having such a hard time concentrating?

why have i spent the past two hours reading the same five pages of real property?

there are only two reasons, really, why i'm so distracted. . . . but they are two pretty big reasons:

1. because i can't stop thinking about someone i'm completely crazy about; and

2. because i need a cigarette again.

*sigh*

late-night introspection

for a while there, i had to really fight the urge to dash over to the smoke shop near my house to get cigs.

luckily, the craving only hit me during the late-night hours when this particular smoke shop is closed. i refuse to smoke anything but this one particular brand -- and that shop is the only one that carries it -- and sells it at discount to boot. :-D

but luckily, the craving has stopped.

instead, what i'm fighting against at the moment are the negative, self-sabotaging thoughts.

when i started my bar review class, i and the other folks taking the class were given a stern, arrogant talking-to by the attorney-instructor. he knew most of us were repeaters. and in that one night, he hit home for us why we were repeaters.

pretty much it all boils down to self-sabotage.

my friend waitress, j.d., has blogged about this aspect as it pertains to her. i empathize with her post a great deal, but my story, while similar to hers in many respects, is still a bit different.

my bio isn't worth going over. but suffice to say, i recognize that my challenge in conquering the bar exam has not only to do with making sure i understand the black letter law but also in having the confidence to go forward and beyond this test to the next level and actually be an attorney.

basically, that first night, the bar review instructor asked us rhetorically, "why do you want to pass the bar?"

then he paused dramatically.

"of course, your answer is 'to be an attorney!' but that's not what i mean. i mean, why do you want to be an attorney? what do you see yourself doing after you pass this bar? what are your plans?"

and that's what got me. my mind completely hit a wall. i have been so riveted on the bar exam since graduating law school. even when i chose not to take it and deferred it, i still thought about it. but i never envisioned, on a practical level, what would happen after that, were i to pass.

of course, i can see myself sitting behind a desk behind mounds of folders, looking great in these great suits i got tailor-made for myself when i visited vietnam last year (it was so cheap to do these suits -- and i look great in them! if i do say so myself ;) ). but what am i actually doing?

damned if i know.

i just never really thought that far because, short-sighted as i am, i only focused on this one singular, insurmountable barrier. do i want to be a lawyer? do i not? i don't even like most lawyers. but even this question of whether i like or don't like lawyers is a form of self-sabotage, too.

isn't it??

i think it is. . . . i think it was a way for me to accept being fine with not having become an attorney without even trying for it -- and then it became a way for me to justify failing the bar and accepting failure even before i got the results back.

this time around, my mindset's kind of changed. i am so much more relaxed than i was while studying for last july's exam. i am kind of more accepting of what will happen. if i fail it again, i may or may not take it again this summer. who knows. it helps that i have other options on the table that i am as passionate about completing. like, if i had absolutely no other career choice available, then yes, i'd keep at it. but that's not the case -- thank goodness.

every time i talk to one of my best friends from law school on the phone, she marvels at me. she marvels at how i just "troop through" stuff (that's her phrase). and i was surprised; i've always felt stigmatized and that my law school friends were always disappointed in me or talking smack about my underachieving tendencies in these recent years. so feeling somewhat embarrassed about the obviously admiring tone in her voice, i told her i didn't feel much like a "trooper" at all, having experienced so many set-backs. i told her i didn't even feel like i could hold my head up very high sometimes.

but she emphatically dismissed that, saying, "but you're still hanging in there! most people would've given up by now. i would've given up!" and she compared me and how i am today to how she used to know me when we were still in law school. "you're so much more calmer today than you were then, and more mature" -- (which is true -- i was a really young, naive, sheltered 21-year-old when i started law school) -- "there's no way i could do what you're doing. you're so much stronger now today than before, and much stronger than me."

exasperated but somewhat touched, i told her, "dude, there's no way you'd ever have gotten yourself in the same kind of situation as me. i'm totally lame!"

but good friend that she is, she wouldn't have any of it.

ugh. damned self-sabotage. i really don't know where i get that.

but i just really have this perpetual mind-set of believing that i simply don't deserve anything good, am not worthy of having good things happen to me, and even when good things do happen, i dismiss them as flukes or a result of lucky happenstance.

and i see that happening in relationships, too. and maybe that's why they all tend to go bad. . . . now don't get me wrong. i'm a girl who stands alone. i like being unattached, single, and having absolutely no obligations.

generally speaking, anyway.

that, of course, changes when i meet someone who rocks my world.

and then what tends to happen is just that i end up caring a bit too much and make the relationship all about pleasing the other person to the point of self-sacrifice. and i don't do it on purpose. i think i get it from my mom; we both love pretty rarely, but when we do, it is all in, and it's intense. nothing is too much to do for our loved ones. blood, organ, life, limb -- if you want it, need it, you don't have to ask twice; you got it. and the rest of the world can go to hell, but if you mess with someone we love, you better be prepared to go to hell, too.

but the idea behind it is that, somehow, you're not worthy of the love of someone else. and so the more you undertake physical actions that show what you'd do for another, what you'd give up, the more you show the other person that you are indeed worthy of being loved.

and i dunno. i used to think it was great to be that way. with everyone i love, it's all about loyalty and passion -- and showing that while it's one thing to say something, it's quite another to do it and prove it. actions speak louder than words, after all.

yet sooner or later, you do wonder what the hell you're doing and why you give up so much of yourself yet still believe that you aren't even worthy of the same in return.

and i'm thinking, now, that this is just another symptom of the self-sabotage, i'm-not-worthy-of-anything-good sentiment.

and i certainly don't think it's a condition unique to me. girls and women around the world suffer this to a certain extent. we're always taught to make our own needs and wishes subservient to those around us, particularly to male authority. but i think my tendency to do this has been exacerbated by the damned filial piety ideal that is embedded within confucianism and its practice. it really teaches young kids to be subservient to the will of parents, of elders, of older brothers and sisters, and to respected men. i respect confucianism for creating social order and the practice of venerating the wise and the elders.

but it sure can have screwy effects.

:-P

i think i do have a point as i rattle off these thoughts going on in my head tonight.

my point is maybe i am worthy of more than i give myself credit for.

maybe i deserve to pass the bar.

maybe i deserve to move on with my life if i don't pass.

and maybe i deserve the good things that happen to me as much as i deserve the bad things.

*sigh*

*shrug*

in any case, i do believe that there is indeed at least one important question all of us repeat bar examinees should ask ourselves if we find ourselves struggling with the insurmountable challenges that passing the bar exam poses.

and the question is not "how much have you studied?" nor "how many practice exams have you taken thus far?"

the question is, "why do you want to pass?"

my bar review instructor asserts that if you can't answer that question, just like i couldn't answer that question, then maybe, just maybe, we shouldn't be lawyers and should stop wasting our time, money, and effort. we should opt for a new career instead.

when he said that, i was chagrined and ashamed. he wasn't speaking to me directly, but i still sure as hell felt that he was.

so it's time to start thinking about whether we want it -- and if so, how much -- and where we envision ourselves and what our plans are.

why do we want to pass?