it's over

i should feel relieved.

the past couple of days, when i have neither seen nor heard from her, i thought about whether i should be the one to break it off. i even thought about what i would say. and i felt that, if i did go through with it, no matter what, things would be fine and we could continue on as friends.

and then today happened.

i saw dimples was in the office when i first got in this morning, and something changed in me.

my resolve disappeared.

and i started feeling quite a few negative emotions.

it's supposed to have been no strings attached.

what the hell does that mean?

to me, in the most colloquial way, it means she and i can see each other whenever we want and hook up, then call it a day until the next booty call.

but for us, in actuality, in the way we have previously discussed this relationship, it had a different meaning. it pretty much meant, at least theoretically, that she could go about with her own life, be a mother to her kid, be a daughter for her mom, work her two jobs, deal with whatever obligations came up, and then just call me whenever there was a break in her schedule. it meant that, during the times when we were not spending time together, we are not supposed to think about, yearn, or otherwise bother or badger each other until the next time we could see each other, however long that took.

seriously. i thought i could deal with that. you don't want me to be emotionally vested? fine. you want to just call me when you next need a booty call? fine.

but i guess, when push came to shove, i couldn't deal with that. hence the negative emotions that rose up in me today. i got frustrated. i missed her. somehow, she is the one who can go through a few days, a few weeks, without thinking about me. and i guess i'm needier than that. a text message, an e-mail, a call -- i need at least something during the drought period, when i can't see her, anything from her, to let me know she's thinking about me.

sure. it doesn't make sense. i don't get it myself. rationally, i know better. i'm not supposed to have gotten emotionally attached.

and yet, look at me. i've been sad ever since we had the blow-up this afternoon . . . .

pathetic.

. . . .

okay, let me back-track a bit and tell the whole story, not just bits and pieces.

so she was at work today. and the moment i saw she was there, the calm resolve i'd felt melted away, and i was instantly angsty.

she came by a few moments after i'd settled in at my desk. she asked me how i was and we engaged in small-talk in our usual way. even though we chatted for a few minutes, i couldn't completely hide the frustration that'd been festering in me this past week.

i was just really feeling it churn in me. we were supposed to hang out on saturday, but she'd cancelled at the last minute. before she got called away to travel for work this past tuesday, we'd talked about hanging out either wednesday or thursday to just talk -- but we never got the chance. in the meantime, not an apology for changing plans at the last minute, nothing to indicate that she was thinking about me -- like, it's just the same routine.

which is fine. no strings attached, right?

but couple this no-strings-attached thing with the fact that we have gotten into pretty emotional talks/arguments right on schedule at least once a week for the past month, and seriously, you create a mess that undermines the whole original, underlying principle.

so the morning small-talk ended pretty quickly and we both kind of did our own thing. two hours later, she e-mailed me. essentially, she wrote that she knew i was kind of upset at her, that she didn't feel that she did anything wrong, but did i want to get together later in the evening to talk?

i stewed around about the e-mail for a while. in fact, i stewed around too long. like, of course, i wanted to talk. i've been wanting to talk. but all this talk about wanting to get together to talk was starting to be fucking annoying.

i wanted to just write to her a simple statement that conveyed my interest in taking her up on her offer. but a small part of me wanted to be honest and let her know that i was unhappy. i finally chomped down on the emotions and sent her back an e-mail that said, essentially, no, i'm not upset, but yes, i'd love to get together and still talk. but i added a pointed question, "are you sure?" because the memory of me heading out to see her on saturday and being just about to hit the freeway, when she finally texted me back and told me she couldn't make our meeting still lurked fresh in my mind.

the thing to note is that she sent me her e-mail at maybe 10:30 a.m.

by the time i wrote back, it was 2 p.m.

i blame work on this. i have been really busy at work this past week -- to the point where i've stayed in at the office late each day, monday thru thursday, well past my check-out time. and today, the work load was heavy as usual, so i had no time. and i just didn't know what to say. i wanted to be nonchalant and pretend nothing was going on -- but that snarky piece of me was being a dipshit.

so the amount of time i spent trying to construct what ultimately was a two-sentence e-mail pissed her off.

she wrote back pretty quickly and essentially told me off in a very indignant way. she let me know how fucked up i was being and that she didn't think she deserved me acting all distant as i had that morning and that she thought we had resolved all those issues about how she would not be able to make me a priority, etc. and she also added, what the fuck did i mean by adding, "are you sure?" she wouldn't have made the offer if she wasn't sure.

i wrote back right after and really tried to be polite. my response stated that i wanted to be sure that she could come out tonight and talk because my experience the past saturday, when she had cancelled at the last minute, was that things could change with her at the last minute. i also apologized for acting distant that morning. but i told her i'd been spending 11 straight hours at the office every day that week. in my mind, as i wrote out that apology, i was thinking snarkily, "but you would know that i've been spending long hours at work if you even tried checking on me all week."

long story short, she ended up sending a terse e-mail in reply. but before i even realized she'd sent me one, she stopped by my cube.

"hi," i said, when i noticed her. my ear buds had been plugged in my ears, so i pulled them out. "how's it going?"

"good," she said.

anyone listening to this conversation would have thought we were just having an amiable office chat. but our eyes spoke volumes at each other. i saw she had a funny look on her face, but i couldn't read what emotions were going through her.

"i just e-mailed you," she told me. she began looking everywhere else but at me.

"oh, you did?" i asked. i hadn't seen her message yet.

"yeah," she said. "but i wanted you to know that it was kind of --" she dropped her voice "-- mad --" and she raised her voice again, "but i want you to know i --"

i interrupted her. this was not a conversation we should be having here inside the office. "hey, you wanna go for a walk?"

"sure," she said quickly. and we walked out brusquely.

as soon as we cleared the office doors that led outdoors, she let loose on me. "i am so mad," she told me in a hard but matter-of-fact voice.

"at me?" i said.

"yes -- no --" she said. "i dunno."

she and i seem to say that a lot to each other -- "i dunno" -- whenever we have these kinds of conversations.

"i thought we were fine," she began ranting at me. "i thought we were cool. i thought you understood --"

i snapped. "i do understand --" i started to say.

but she cut me off. and when she got started, i knew it was best to just hear her out and not interrupt.

"i can't do this," she said in a rush. "i don't want to be in a relationship. this is too much -- and i told you that i just don't have time. and i'll have even less time from now on."

we were walking now. our office is located in the ghetto, and behind the office is a ghetto neighborhood. when she and i and other co-workers go for walks during breaks, just to get out of the office, we go along a particular route, exiting the back of our building and walking perhaps a half-mile through the ghetto neighborhood. our route circles around to come back to the front doors of the office. she and i walked that familiar route automatically during our talk.

i tried to tell her how i felt, but i couldn't find words that were . . . neutral enough. but i tried. "i'm just . . . frustrated," i told her haltingly. "i feel . . . like i'm making more of an effort than you. i know we're not in a relationship. i shouldn't have these expectations. but i just . . . i need you to show me that you want to try to make this work, too. these past few weeks, i feel like i've been making all the effort!"

she gave me an almost disgusted look. "what -- it's only been a week!"

"no," i said, "it's been like this for the past three or four weeks!"

"no!" she said, affronted. "just a week. at most, two. but you know i've been trying to think about things this week and that's why i have been distant."

that shut me up. i'd forgotten that she wanted to take the time to think. but seriously, did she need to take that long to think??

and then what she does, when we have these talks, is try to turn things around so that they are about me. she says things in such a way to make me think she is trying to look out for me. and it just makes me feel bad.

"this is not fair to you," she said to me today, just as she has said to me those times before. "i don't want you to be all caught up with me. i can't be with you as much as i want, and that's just not fair to you."

it was just the same ol' talk.

it took us 15, 20 minutes to circle through the neighborhood and come back to the office. by the end of the talk, i was getting even more frustrated by the talk. it sounded like she wanted to break it off because she felt like she had no other choice in the matter. so i engaged in the kind of short dialogue i use when i feel like nothing i can say can make a person change her mind: "fine." "okay." "whatever." "fine."

we started approaching the office entrance and were silent for a few moments. i was mad but wasn't going to say anything. she's the type of girl who is stubborn and if i got mad and reactionary, that would set her off, too. so i thought, "if this is it, then fine -- i can do this. and yes, we can be friends."

but as we crossed the parking lot of our office, i saw her hands, which had been nervously fiddling with her glasses while we walked (she had taken them off), go up to her face. and she started to cry a little.

that melted me. i was no longer angry.

"i'm sorry," i said. and i meant it.

"what?" she said. but i knew she heard.

"i'm sorry," i said louder, more firmly. and i was. i had done this -- to her, to myself -- by being a punk ass, selfish, needy little bitch. "and i want you to say you accept."

that calmed her instantly. she is always telling me not to apologize for things. she hates that i tend to blame myself for everything.

"let's keep walking," i said. "we're not done talking."

she gave an exasperated laugh.

"so you really want a no-strings-attached relationship," i said. "and maybe i'm just not understanding what you mean by that. like,, what exactly do you picture in your mind? what is it that you envision in that kind of relationship, based on how your life is now?" i was sounding quite formal, but i really wanted to know.

the question seemed to take her off-guard. "it's not that i want no-strings-attached --" she started to say.

but that got me exasperated. "you just said you did!" i exclaimed. i got ready to tell her off.

"i know," she said, and she was getting teary again. "but it's too late for us. even if we tried to get back to that right now, we can't. there are too many emotions involved." she paused and seemed to take a breath. "like, i told you that it's okay for you to see other people. i don't want to hold you back, especially if you want to go out and have fun. but at the same time -- i don't want you to see other people. . . ." and then she started to say other things.

but i blanked out on what the rest of her sentence was. this bit about how she didn't really want me to see other people floored me. she had told me on a couple of occasions that i shouldn't feel like i was tied down to her at all and had encouraged me to feel free to date other people. whenever she said such things, it often made me feel embarrassed and i never said anything.

but it never occurred to me, really, that she was just only saying that until that moment. and it just made me understand more fully that this whole conversation we'd been having while walking had been just a whole load of horse shit and that she had other, deeper emotions involved, too.

it wasn't just me.

i don't remember how the conversation ended. but in sum, we broke up.

and i just remember we were both upset. i couldn't say a word. she said lamely, just before we went back inside, that she might call me tomorrow so that we could continue talking but she didn't think we could talk tonight after all. i just kind of nodded numbly.

but i don't think she will.

you see, after that conversation, when we went back to our desks, i wrote her another e-mail.

in it, i said i was really sad about stuff. and that for a non-relationship, like ours had been, i was feeling heartbroken enough to feel that maybe the relationship had been real after all. all in all, i wrote back to her as plainly and honestly as i could without being too emotional. but i am now regretting what i wrote in that e-mail because, despite my best intentions, i think i came off as self-absorbed and selfish as ever.

and i am sure it reinforces for her that she cannot (should not) be involved with someone like me at this point. we've gone beyond how things were supposed to be, and it's turned into something that shouldn't have been.

there's just something wrong with me. it's all my fault that things got to this point. i just get so fucking attached. i knew, going in, that this relationship would not be a long-term one at all.

but look at me now. sniveling over things. filled with so much heavy regret.

the truth is . . . well, i just let myself get attached.

it's not that i was in love with her. it's not that i sought some sort of happily-ever-after with her.

it's just that. . . .

i dunno.

well, i generally don't have a practice of being able to remain emotionally detached when i start hanging out with someone a lot.

especially someone i've been intimate with in more than one way.

and dimples . . . . there's just something about her. i really enjoyed being with her. she's crazy. but in a good way. it was always so good just to be in her company, be her friend.

how do you remain detached? all you letharios, male or female, who are able to engage with other people and remain aloof -- i envy you. i need to know your secret.

i hate caring so much. i hate it.

caring is good when it's mutual. but it sucks when it goes bad.

what's worse is that . . . i did this. she is off in her own world right now, and she is hurting. and here i am in my little world, feeling the same.

and i did this. i did this to the both of us. just by caring.

we talked . . .

. . . really briefly yesterday.

 

we talked about the need to talk.  and we talked about when we can get together to talk.

 

and that was the end of that talk.

 

in other words, we talked but said nothing of substance.

 

:-T

 

anyway, she's out of the office today and tomorrow.  traveling for work-related reasons.  she didn't learn until yesterday afternoon that she'd be out of the office.  before that, we had talked about hitting a dive bar after work to do our talk either today or tomorrow.  but the last-minute need to travel has thrown those plans totally out the window.

 

*sigh*

 

ah, well.

 

:-T

 

;)

 

2bcont. . . .

mountains and molehills

every time we have talked, nothing was resolved.  we always were interrupted.  either someone was calling her, or she had to go work at her second job, or she had some other family engagement.

 

when we did talk, we talked about the frustrations of trying to make a relationship like ours, in which i could put her first and in which she could only put me fourth, work. 

 

i thought i could handle it.  but maybe i can't.

 

and dimples didn't bargain on feeling so guilty about how little time she could give me.

 

we aired our frustrations the few times we have talked these past couple of weeks.  but when talk turned to what we wanted to do, from here on out, whether we wanted to keep on seeing each other without expectations or whether we wanted it to end, we never got very far before the conversation had to end.

 

we did it make it known that, no matter what, we wanted to remain friends no matter what.

 

to this day, this very morning, nothing has been resolved

 

she wasn't at work yesterday.

 

i was supposed to see her sunday afternoon really briefly – and it was to be the first time in two weeks when we could actually see each other and talk.  but she cancelled.  the work at her second job was just too heinous and she didn't have time.  she cancelled on me fifteen minutes before we were supposed to meet, after i had just left my house and was about to enter on the freeway, to go see her. 

 

i am putting way much more effort into this than she is.  she doesn't put in as much effort, but she guilt-trips way more than i do about stuff.

 

i don't think it is working.

 

she is back at the office today  everything is friendly and normal.

 

but that's only on the surface.  underneath, i don't think things are very normal at all.

 

so maybe it should end.  maybe i should be the one to do it.  maybe that's just what she's waiting for.

 

she's just so weird this morning.  there is still so much more to be said that we haven't said between us.  and i just don't really know what she wants.  what does she want from me?

 

it's just hard.  i care a lot about her now.  i wanted to see how far this could go.  i value her thoughts, opinions, beliefs.  she's a fantastic mother to her daughter.  she's super smart and calls me on my bullshit.  she's really pretty.  her skin is so smooth and soft.  she has nervous, busy, but sure hands.

 

i've determined that the reason why i haven't been able to cum when with her is not so much because of whatever issues i have so much as the fact that she wasn't exactly hitting the right spots when she went down on me.

 

that's just like me, isn't it?  i get so obsessed with my own short-comings that i believe everything is my fault.  :-T  but i was interested in working with her and helping her to find the right spot.  we just haven't been able to get together in a couple weeks now, though.  and maybe . . . just maybe we're not going to get that chance again at all.

 

:-T

 

but i dunno.

 

all i know is that i've sent her a couple of e-mails this morning and she hasn't written back.  all i know is that, even though she's come over to my desk to chit-chat about work and stuff with a friendly face, things just aren't the same.

 

i think she is tired and worn, not only from trying to hold down two jobs and also be a parent but also from the emotions and guilt-tripping she does over her inability to spend time with me.

 

"it's not fair to you," she told me over the phone what seems like eons ago but was probably only a week, "i don't like worrying about being unfair to you."

 

i want to tell her, "you want to be fair to me?  then at least try half as much as i do for you.  show me that you at least want to be engaged with me."

 

but if she's not trying that hard (at least that's what it seems like to me), well, then maybe that tells me exactly what i need to do.

 

:-|

 

:-(

a little explosion: pt. 4: the anti-climatical climax

what a fucked up day today was.

work was stressful.

i worked on some stuff over the weekend. not as much as i wanted to, but at least i got some stuff done. i mainly am working as an editor, in addition to my usual work duties, and so i took home some editing stuff to work on while on vacation in tahoe.

the writing that i've received thus far from the people who are supposed to be writing the bulk of the huge ass, all-important report is just absolute shit. i can't believe that there are people who get paid more than i do to produce that kind of worthless crap. so i've got my work cut out for me -- i not only have to look at grammar, word choice, transition phrases, and the like as i read through each section, but i also have to do a lot of content-based assessment.

which is totally cool and all. but i just don't have the same kind of in-depth knowledge about the ins and outs of everything that more experienced staff who have been there longer would (should) have. so asking me to verify whether the content contains accurate data is like asking me to write an analysis of the state of our economy today -- i.e., it's totally impossible for me to do without me wanting to hit myself in the head with a hammer out of pure, excruciating boredom, but nonetheless, i can still somehow get the job done and find all the necessary shit to pull out of my ass .

:-T

so that's been a source of stress for me lately -- and more so with each passing day.

and it's gotten to the point where it's starting to affect my relationship with dimples.

*sigh*

:(

okay. maybe i shouldn't blame my relationship woes on work.

maybe i should point the finger back at myself.

:-T

if it's not apparent by now, the song i happen to choose to put in the sidebar of my blog is one that i feel is an accurate depiction of my mood and state of mind at a given point in time.

and so tegan and sara's song "you wouldn't like me" is my song of the moment this evening.

there's just something seriously wrong with me, i think.

i don't know how i feel about dimples, exactly.

i care for her, yes.

and for a while there, i was content to be merely friends with benefits with her.

to this day, i'm still not sure that she is someone i would end up being with on a long-term basis. i don't think i'm in love with her per se. but i do know i care a lot about her.

there are just so many uncontrollable intangibles that get in the way, though. and we have never promised anything to each other anyway. except for that one time she accidentally called me her girlfriend, we've never said anything else to each other that could potentially be construed as a statement of intent or desire for something permanent.

so why . . .

. . . oh why . . .

. . . did it scare me today . . .

. . . when she began engaging in the kind of talk . . . .

. . . that led me to believe . . .

. . . that she wants to call it quits . . . ?

why did it get me kind of upset?

i just don't understand myself. isn't this supposed to be a good thing? that means i can go back to thinking about and looking out solely for my own interests -- not hers, not anyone else's. like, i was actually finding myself factoring dimples into the question of whether i ought to go to grad school; i think i might have ultimately ended up staying here in sac-town just to continue to be here with her. but now, hey -- i don't have to think on those terms at all. i can go just because, well, i want to.

but i can't help it. there is still something nagging at me. . . .

maybe it's just a pride thing. maybe it's because i can't imagine anyone wanting to break up with harmless but clever little me. maybe i can't stand that she is the one who is causing the break up, not me.

or maybe it's because i was actually starting to really care a lot about her. . . .

:-T

i don't know.

the thing is, though . . . .

she hasn't quite broken up with me yet.

today was just a really funky day. something that shouldn't have been an issue between us became a full-fledged bona fide issue despite our best attempts at containment. and i have to admit i was the one who was acting like a real booger. she didn't do anything wrong -- at least nothing more or less than i would have wanted or expected.

for obvious reasons, though, we couldn't talk about the issue at work. and our e-mails back and forth actually made things worse. i was very honest and concise in my e-mails to her, and her e-mails to me were erratically worded and had a lot of incorrect grammar so i didn't really understand what she was saying. and so a lot of our well-intended meanings got lost, and certain notions were conveyed in words that were otherwise not intended. we both understood this, though, and tampering down our emotions, we agreed to have a talk later on in the evening.

well, we had our talk in the evening over the phone. we didn't get to finish because we got interrupted on her end. but the direction that our conversation went leads me to believe that she thinks it's best to call it quits.

a part of me believes that she feels she has no choice in the matter, that she is ending it for as much my sake as her own. i am hoping she calls me tonight, although it's already pretty late so i'm pretty sure she won't, so we can finish the conversation. or at least maybe be willing to talk things out tomorrow so that, if it does end, we can at least still try to be friends and end it on a good note.

maybe it's the stress from work talking, maybe i'm being melodramatic . . . .

but . . . today has shown me that i am not ready, now of all times, to be dumped by dimples.

nonetheless, i suppose . . . from reading through my past entries about her, etc., that . . . .

this was probably due to happen.

and to put it simply, it is also likely justly deserved.

:-T

intermission

we interrupt your regularly scheduled program regarding the crazy-heinous up-and-down relationship that abbagirl recently experienced with dimples to provide a real-time update of the other events occurring in abbagirl's life at this moment.

namely that . . .

abbagirl is ultra-tired today.

:-T

the rest of this month is going to be just heinous. work is crazy busy. it is only just past 9:30 p.m. as i write this, but i took a 45-minute nap after i got home from work today, got up to nibble on some things for dinner, and then began yawning and yearning for bed once more by the time 8 p.m. rolled around.

i still haven't decided about grad school. . . . and time is running out. i'm thinking about the decision more and more every day. but i truly don't think i can make a thorough, decisive decision about it until i find out about bar exam results.

at the same time, i feel like bar exam results don't even matter; i already do kind of know how i did.

i also think about the current state of the economy . . . and what a stupid decision it might be to just quit a job that i should feel lucky to have at this point in favor of being in an economically tenuous situation as a student barely making ends meet.

sure, as a student, i could get all my loans back into forbearance and not worry about making the $ 550/month payment each month (yes, my student loan payment itself is that much each month :( ).

but even so, i still would need to find some way to be able to continue making car payments.

yes, car payments. i know i haven't mentioned this before on this blog, but . . . i bought myself a birthday present a few months ago, after turning 28. it was love at first sight:

so sleek, so beautiful, so dependable! :)

but it doesn't look like a totally dyke-y car, does it??

for this baby, i pay $ 400/month for the car payment, plus $ 100/month for the insurance.

ai-ya.

it'd be hard to continue paying for it as a student living off a teaching assistantship stipend. . . .

:-T

nonetheless, no regrets about getting this car at all.

:)

my other car has long been ready for retirement. this new one that i love as much as if i had given birth to it myself is actually a 2005 nissan murano. i totally accessorized it with a hello kitty! figurine that dangles daintily from the rear-view mirror to advertise the fact that this is a girl's car.

and after long and carefully consideration, i ended up recently putting a magnetic OBAMA -- VOTE FOR CHANGE decal on it.

*shrug*

at the very least, i like having it on my car because it pisses off the stodgy republicans who work at my office and the other racist-but-would-die-before-they-admit-it co-workers who would likely vote for mccain just to avoid voting for the black guy.

:-T

ugh. anyway. can barely keep my eyes open anymore. i hope work is not going to be as crazy tomorrow as i think it will be. . . .

at least there will be a three-day weekend, though! and i will be spending it with my sister and two other friends, one of whom is violet, my b.f.f. from work up at lake tahoe.

girls' weekend!! :)

nonetheless, despite going on this girls' vacay, i'll be bringing a laptop. i intend to spend at least a few hours of the weekend doing work-related stuff, albeit totally off the books.

i'm only doing it 'cause my boss is so stressed out this week. i feel so bad for him . . . . and i know that we are already going to be falling behind on our deadlines for our project.

i've mentioned the project before -- and it's one in which my boss wants me to take on a bigger role. . . .

so i've decided, fuck it, i'm going to work on it this weekend and hope that i can get a good chunk of it done and ready for his quick review when the work-week resumes on tuesday.

what can i say. i'm always the over-achieving, azngrrl.

:)

and just looking at my boss' haggard face all week makes me feel such sympathy for him. i know that the stress level from our big ass project as well as the other demands that are thrown at him make him dread his job. . . . and call me a bleeding heart, but seriously, i want to do what i can to help alleviate his load. there is only so much i can do, though. i know a lot of his work is more specialized. as a low-ranking employee, i am required to do work of a certain level of difficulty -- and state law is really strict on making sure that employees only perform the level of work that is proper to their job class.

still, for his sake, because i love the dude (big dude is the name i've dubbed him in the past on this blog), i'm always asking him if there is anything more i can do for him. whenever i do, he only shakes his head resignedly.

:-T

anyway. enough work-related griping.

for my next post, i think the saga of dimples and me will continue.

stay tuned!

and happy friday.

;)

a little explosion: pt. 3

setting: back to the previous saturday evening -- a continuation of pt. 1.

please note: the details provided in this post are of a graphic sexual nature. do not read if you are not interested in reading such material.

i feel rather apprehensive about publishing this sort of thing on my blog. but thanks to supportive comments from others who have seen just how explicit i can be in telling stories, such as darling jade darling and awesome wine country law mom and quite a few others, i'm going to go ahead and put this story out there (thanks, dudes, for giving me the courage i now have ;) ). just make sure you read pt. 1 first for a gander of where i initially left off with this story.

and yes, for some reason, it totally made sense, at least initially, to do all the time-jumping in telling this story.

:-T

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

to compensate for my fear of letting dimples down again, i flipped dimples onto her back. now i was in charge and let her be the one to enjoy herself. i heard her laughing faintly as i changed our positions, but she let me maneuver her so that i could top her.

i reared up on my knees beside her so that i could look down at her. her body was all laid out before me. my eyes had grown accustomed to the darkness by this time, and i could see her body, a dark mass against her white bed covering, unabashedly naked and receptively waiting for me to make my move.

i reached out to massage her thighs. her skin was smooth and soft and warm. i then moved her legs apart so that i could position myself between them. i could feel her watching my every move, patiently waiting, letting me do whatever i wanted to her.

i began raining kisses all over her where i could reach -- her face, her lips, her neck. i then moved down to kiss and suck on her breasts; dimples is like me and has very sensitive nipples. it did not take very many nips and teasing with my tongue for each one to harden and cause her to start moaning uncontrollably.

eventually, i made my way down even further, down to her crotch. it was shaved, as usual. i kissed all around it, kissing her inner thighs, the top of her pelvic bone, her hips. it drove her crazy. she began thrusting her hips up. i sucked on one of her outer labia and let my lips accidentally brush her clit. she groaned.

that was my cue: i then licked her slit slowly and purposefully, from her vaginal opening to the top of her clit.

dimples' clit is easy to find. it is small and round, shaped just like a pearl, and virtually shines luminously in the dark, especially after i give it a cursory lick. when i began to tongue her, i did so delicately, almost contemplatively.

i have a signature approach every time i go down on a girl, i suppose. i just like to take my time. i like to draw out each response from her throat in a rather methodical, thoughtful way. every motion of my tongue against the sensitive areas of her crotch is one that i want to draw the maximum amount of sensation and pleasure. i also vary my moves. i like to change it up, starting with long slow licks up the length of her crotch with the blade of my tongue, then transitioning to a nice fluttering movement of my tongue on her clit. then a swirl of my tongue in languid movements as i suck the clit into my mouth. and then it begins again, although not necessarily in that order.

it is only when she starts to really get into it and gets to the point where she is aware of nothing else in the world than my mouth on my crotch that i then begin to take the sounds issuing from her throat and the movements of her body into account in my movements and let them dictate the pace. i let her control the journey her physical sensations take and when she wants to come.

cunnilingus truly is, in a way, an art form.

dimples is great at giving me verbal feedback when i go down on her. seriously, the things she says gives me such a thrill. she is just such an honest chick -- and it's one of the things i appreciate about her. so when dimples began getting into the groove of things, the sounds and words issuing from her mouth began to exhilarate me. she also groaned my name a few times, and it was a guttural sound, as if it were being wrenched from her.

i love hearing my name during moments like that. it tells me that she is aware of me and only me; she is conscious only of my mouth right there, at that moment in time, working fastidiously on her crotch, and nothing else exists in the world in her mind at that point.

when she started to come, she began heaving her hips higher and more adamantly in the air and began sliding up on the bed. i followed suit with her movements, keeping my lips around her clit and my tongue continuing to swirl on it, wanting to maintain the sensations until i had wrenched every last vaginal pulse. even after she stopped, i continued kissing and sucking on her labia until she told me, laughing exhaustedly, to "stop" and "come here."

i rose up to lay next to her, and we wrapped our arms around each other. i rested my head on her shoulder, and she began playing with my hair. my hair has grown a bit longer than i'd like, growing several inches past my shoulders.

we rested for a while like this, and i was close to falling asleep when dimples began to stir. her hands moved on my body, and she propped herself up so that she could roll on top of me. her body was nice and warm against mine, and it pressed down upon me from torso to toe. and then her mouth moved on top of mine and we began kissing again. our kisses gradually grew from slow and searching to devouring and hungry. her hands started roaming my body again.

i let myself lay back and enjoy, so to speak. her hands on my skin thrilled me. her mouth sucking on my breasts made me delirious. her fingers finding the warm wetness of my crotch sent a thrill throughout my body. and her tongue making that first contact with my clit turned me into a shameless hussy.

but yes, it happened again.

i didn't come.

she tongued me for a while. and i enjoyed it the sensations. but it was not enough to get me off. and her mouth soon got tired.

so eventually she brought herself up to my level and asked me, "dude. what the fuck?" i knew from her tone that she was annoyed as hell. but her arms going around me softened the anxiety that i felt rising in me.

it was totally embarrassing on my part. "you were doing good," i assured her. "i just don't know what's wrong with me."

"anyone else would have had an orgasm from that by now," she said with disbelief.

"i know -- i'm sorry," i said apologetically.

"what am i doing wrong?" she asked.

"nothing," i responded.

"no, tell me," she insisted. "i really want to know!"

"well," i began. i'd been toying with a theory from the past week, and it seemed like this would be a good time to share the theory with her, now that she was asking for feedback. "maybe it would help if you put your fingers inside me, too."

"really?" she asked. she was being earnest.

"yeah," i said. "i kind of like having that kind of sensation, too."

so we did that.

and it felt amazing.

it made me begin to act even more like a brazen hussy.

but then . . . .

again, nothing happened.

no shirt.

no shoes.

no service.

no orgasm.

there were points along the way, while she was simultaneously tonguing me and fucking me steadily with her fingers, that i totally got into it.

but still, nothing that enabled me to find the release i (and she) so desperately wanted to achieve.

eventually, dimples stopped all her movements and threw herself on the bed away from me.

we just lay there.

my legs were there all spread wide open.

i felt at a loss.

and dimples was frustrated.

we began having a quiet discussion about it. "what am i doing wrong? i want to know!" she said. and i would say earnestly, "nothing! you're doing great. i just don't know. but i'm sorry!"

but eventually, the discussion heated up. "you need to talk to me and be honest! i don't want you to hide your feelings with me the way you do with princess. tell me what's going on!"

that is a summary of her statements. but she was also berating me. she even said, "i think you like guys." when i made a sound of astonishment that she would think such a thing of me, she was all, "well, what the hell do you want me to think? you just asked me to fuck you with my fingers! i don't need something inside me to be able to get off!" i was all, "hell no! no! not even!" i was aghast that she would think such a thing.

nonetheless, all the other berating and castigating she engaged in made me feel guilty. i understood her concerns, but i had no answers. plus, it was, by that time, probably 2 a.m., and i was getting tired. i didn't know why she would not just let it go and let me sleep and let us have the discussion about it later. also, when i feel someone's berating me, i just tend to shut up anyway, even if i end up frustrated or mad as hell. my instinct during such times is to get overly conscious of propriety, and i do not want to say anything reactionary that i may end up regretting.

so i just shut up.

this only infuriated dimples (did i mention she is a hot-tempered mexican chick? :-T). and she turned up her vocab a notch or two to the point where i decided i was not going to have anymore of it and began getting up to look for my clothes.

"what are you doing?" she said, sitting up in bed.

i didn't say anything.

she began apologizing in a softened tone. but when i continued on with my movements and attempts to find my clothes, she finally lost her temper completely. she jumped out of bed. "you better think twice!" she snapped at me. "if you leave, you better think twice about you're doing!"

that stopped me in my tracks. it was a threat. and i didn't like it.

there she was, giving me an ultimatum, after having lectured me non-stop in bed about all my issues, i.e., inability to communicate. like, what am i -- twelve? was it really so wrong of me to want to leave at a time when things had boiled over like that, just because i hadn't had a fucking orgasm ever with her? so not only did she want to yell at me and lecture me as if i were just a bratty kid, but now she was going to give me an ultimatum to boot?

so i just kind of stopped all movement and stared at her. i guess she saw that as me trying to continue to be unresponsive to her. and i have to admit i was. but only because i was so damned tired and didn't want to be yelled at anymore. so she said, "fine." she began trying to get dressed to and started to ignore me.

now that began to bother me. i probably realized at that moment that i preferred her to yell at me than to give up on me altogether. and so i dropped everything and went to her and put my arms around her. i didn't know if she would respond to my hug, and at first she didn't. but then she put her arms around me, too.

"i'm sorry," i told her, my mouth muffled against her hair. "i'm sorry. i don't know why i am how i am. and i don't have any answers as to why i'm like this. but i'm just sorry."

she was still kinda pissed, though. we went and laid back down on the bed. but she was still upset by what she saw as my lack of communication. my tendency to hide my emotions.

it is probably true. but only in a way. i'm good at speaking my mind when i have a notion to share. i'm good at speaking my mind on behalf of other people.

but i really am not good at sharing my feelings.

writing/blogging about them are one thing.

:)

but verbalizing them are an utterly different matter.

it's just hard.

for some reason, i think have this innate belief that my feelings and emotions should be subservient to those of others.

it is probably a quality i've gotten/learned from my mom.

no one has ever asked me to put my feelings first, for my own sake. instead, either explicitly or implicitly, it's always been the reverse; i've had to subvert my own emotions for the sake of others.

and now here dimples was, asking me to verbalize my feelings at the drop of a hat and be honest about them. at 2 o' clock in the morning, no less!

but i did my best. we had a talk. dimples said that i had to see it from her point of view; she was embarrassed. she felt that there was something wrong with her, with how she was doing things. "i'm not as experienced as you," she said, "so you need to tell me." i did my best to be reassuring, but at the same time, i knew she wasn't buying my words.

ultimately, we began cuddling and being physically affectionate again. and it was not long before i was parting her thighs to fuck her with my mouth again. i could tell, when she came again, that this second orgasm was more intense than the first one had been. when she calmed down, she groaned to me, as she had done a week before after we had fucked, "no fair!"

just like at the time before, i knew this time that she was again referring to the fact that i had gotten her to have an orgasm but that she hadn't yet gotten me to that point herself. it made me chuckle to hear her say it again.

the lower half of my face was all wet when i lifted myself up from between her legs. i wiped the moisture off my face and moved on top of her. we kissed slowly, and she hugged me with both her arms and her legs.

we lay there for a while.

disaster had been avoided.

but the issue was far from over.

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to be continued . . . .

(i think . . . . )

a little explosion: pt. 2

date: friday, october 3, 2008

time: 9:45 p.m.

setting: me, in my car, driving down the freeway.

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i was driving home after hanging out with co-workers.

dimples was supposed to be there. but at the last minute, she said she couldn't make it.

so the co-workers and i still met up with each other, and it was generally a good time, although there were moments when i felt completely detached from them and got lost in my own head. i heard their words, their laughter, but i felt so disconnected with them, felt like i didn't want to be there, felt like i shouldn't even be there.

finally, after three hours, i took my leave and went home.

i was nervous as i drove. and also somewhat buzzed. i wanted to call dimples. but if i called her cell, i knew there was a good chance that she would see my name on her caller i.d. and choose not to pick up.

so ultimately, i decided to call her house phone.

the alcohol worked to give me nerves and a sense of bravado that sobriety probably would not have gifted me with. all day, it had just been really weird with her. and yet, while at work, whenever i asked her if anything was wrong, she would say "no" with a casual shrug of her shoulders. even so, there would be something in her gaze, which shot straight into mine, that told me there was something more going on.

the phone rang three times. then her roommate picked up. "hello?" said the voice. i actually thought the voice was dimples'.

"hi, dimples," i said, "it's abbagirl."

"oh, hi, abbagirl!" said the voice. "this isn't dimples -- it's me, dimples' roommate.

the roommate then went to go get dimples. and then dimples came onto the phone.

"hi," i said. i was feeling awkward. "how's it going?"

"good," she said. "how was the evening out with everyone?"

"good," i said. and then i gave a brief description of the evening. just giving her the recap made me feel so much better and confidence. then i asked how her evening was.

"good," she said. she rattled off, rather automatically, the chores she had done that evening.

then there was an awkward pause.

"um," i said, not knowing how to begin. then i said it: "do we need to talk?"

"no," she said.

i paused. "are you sure?" i asked her.

"umm . . ." she began hesitating. "well, maybe."

i paused again. "you mean maybe you're sure there's nothing to talk about? or "maybe" as in maybe we need to talk?"

"maybe we need to talk . . . ." she said.

i could tell from her tone: "tonight's not a good time, huh?"

"no," she said simply. then: "tomorrow, i'll call you."

"okay," i answered. "well, bye, then."

"bye."