the friday after

i am having a really bad day and am in a really bad mood right now.

day one's musings and oddities

i did some practice mbe questions tonight. not for very long, though. then took a break for a late dinner. might try to tackle some more pretty soon. in regards to the mbe, some subjects are stronger for me than others. but at the same time, each subject should be automatic for me by now. i've done enough practice questions each of the times i've taken this exam -- i should not have to be practicing any more . . . but i want to, to help me get prepped for tomorrow.

a week or so ago, one of the st@ff counsel offered to read my essay answers from the most recent bar exam i took -- from last july 2008 -- and give me feedback on why she thought the essays scored so low. i thought it was most kind of her to offer. but the timing of it was just rather off; i'd much rather have that kind of input a little earlier in the month than that. . . . but nonetheless, i'm still grateful. she gave me great feedback, and it was her words of advice that i tried to keep at the back of my mind while i wrote my essays.

i don't know how well i did with the first half of today -- but i did the best i could and i've got to be content with that. i forgot to watch the clock during the last hour and thus didn't finish up my answer to question 3 as well as i should've. i just barely managed to dash off a couple of things to address one last piece of evidence before time was called. shit. but hey, gotta let go and hope that everything else will make up for that.

the mpt was a little more difficult than usual. i'm good at not being distracted by the things in the file and case law materials that are obviously there to be distractors. but it was the construction and organization of my answer that took me a little longer than usual. when there was only 20 minutes left, i hurriedly made a change to the structure of my answer. i finished the whole thing with, like, 30 seconds to spare. i clicked the "Exit Exam" button just as the proctor called time. i think i'm good with my ultimate answer.

the first day of exam day is always the most exciting. i go in wondering where i'm going to sit; how close i am to the front or the back of the room; whether i'll see any familiar faces of other bar exam repeaters; who my desk buddy will be; who my proctor is. it's all such a brand new adventure that first day. by day three, though, of course, you're sick of everyone and just ready to blow the joint and never see any of the ever again.

the head proctor that i remember from last time, dolores, is not there. instead, the new head proctor is rose marie. dolores was an ancient, crusty, little lady. she had attitude and was snarky if the bar examiners got too loud during the dissemination or collection of test materials. i wonder if she's kicked the bucket . . . . rose marie is (relatively) younger. not as stern. pretty efficient. she got it done, and i feel she let out us earlier than dolores would've.

my desk buddy is a scrawny young kid who looks like he barely just graduated from high school. for the first time, i feel dated. i've always been the fresh-faced, young 'un. now that is no longer the case. i'm now not as fresh as i used to be. my desk buddy and i did not talk or look at each other all day.

on my other side was an annoying dude. disheveled. overweight. sloth-like. gross-looking. shrieky, high voice. i think he's gay; his pink mac book is his give-away. he was annoying the hell out of me today because, during the exam, he had these ear plugs in, and when he needed to talk to the proctor during the intense moments of the exam, which occurred quite a few times today, he seemed to forget that he had ear plugs in his ears and would bark out to the proctor quite loudly in his high-pitched, screechy voice. i jumped every time; he was just so damned loud.

he is now on my shit-list. soo not cool. i started giving him the evil eye after the third or fourth time he did that.

on to more adventures tomorrow. i will report on anything else that strikes me as interesting or as otherwise frickin' annoying.

the night is young -- on to just a few more real property practice mbes, and then i'll call it a night.

on a downer note

you know what?  like, seriously, you wanna know what?

 

i'm not ready for the bar exam.

 

to the anonymous person who has been sending me positive vibes about the bar, i thank you so much for your words of confident encouragement.

 

but you are wrong.

 

i am not ready.

 

if i were smart, i would not have signed up for it this july.  i had all these other obligations that distracted me for so long.  i made false promises to the ch!ef of my office that i was hitting the books hard and that i was ready.

 

lies.  all lies.  no -- false misrepresentations.  all of it.

 

i am not ready.

 

i will still go in and see what can be done.  i will go in on those three days and tackle the exam and hope for the best.  but the way i see it, based on my lack of preparation and lack of focus and lack of determination, this will just be a practice test -- for when i take in february 2010.

 

there are a lot of things that contributed to this.

 

i had a lot of drama going on with the crazy boss that i was working with all through the months of may and june.

 

and then there was some stuff going on with dimples.

 

and then there were other things going on as to other matters.

 

so my focus was not there.  my heart was there -- but my mind and a focused sense of determination were not.

 

and then there were other things, such as the fact that i am so far removed from the point in time when i graduated from law school.

 

it's been 5 years.

 

there are many reasons why i graduated from law school without having the urge to be a lawyer.  i denied myself the chance of being a practicing attorney for so long that it has come to have an effect on my psyche.  so whenever it's time to take the bar exam, i end up getting filled with so much doubt: is this what i really want to do?  or am i doing this because i feel i have to?  what's going to happen if i actually do pass?  what's going to become of me if i fail it -- again?

 

i have issues in regards to self-confidence, i think.

 

and now, it's even more crazy.  because everyone at work knows about me taking the bar exam.  i have done such a good job of laying low.  people know i have a college degree.  they may even know that i have a master's degree.  but i rarely told anyone about my law degree.  they think i'm just one of them.  normal.  a rank-and-file employee.

 

or so i thought.

 

come to find out, no.  they know all.  they know what degrees i have.  and they know i am taking the week off for the sake of taking this exam.

 

it really is disruptive to me to know that they all know.  it's just jarring.  disjunctive.  without most of them saying a word, i can still feel the silent questions being hurled at me.  or maybe it's just my over-active imagination.  when i thought they didn't know, i thought i could pass myself off as a middle-of-the-road kind of employee.  one who never really aimed high and thus is content being a mid-level employee forever and ever. 

 

but now i feel like they are wondering, "what the fuck is she doing here?  why hasn't she moved on?  why isn't she an attorney?  why is she content making an average salary?  why doesn't she take advantage of the education she's gotten?"

 

i feel these questions coming at me.  i really do.  and they make me wince.

 

at the same time, i feel pissed about it.  i hate having people know all my biz without my permission.  i feel like i should be the gateway.  i should be the one who has the power to divulge personal information to those i choose and whom i trust. 

 

i don't think my life should be fodder for gossip.

 

so i'm pissed about it.  i think it's wrong.

 

i know i ought to have more confidence in myself.  confidence in my ability to one day pass the bar.  confidence that, regardless of what other people say or think about me, i am the shit and they can go suck an egg.  confidence that the path i've chosen to walk these past five years will lead me to where i want to go and towards my own happiness.  confidence that i will be a better, more effective, and more aware attorney because of this entire journey.

 

but i can't.  i feel like i'm just plodding along.  i feel that, no matter how hard i try to grasp my own destiny, far too many people are still trying to control me because of their knowledge of how sensitive i am towards other people's opinions of me.  i think it's fucking manipulative.

 

arrrgh.  seriously, maybe i need to move on to something else -- try something new for once. . . .

no leniency

i'm a chronic bar failure.  don't even be asking me how many times i've failed.  seriously.

 

i've spent lots of money on bar prep shit.

 

i've had my life and future career goals put on hold, if not completely eradicated.

 

i also know the rules about how to apply to even take the exam and make sure that all my "i"s and "t"s are properly dotted or crossed, respectively, because i know that the slightest deviation will not be beneficial to me -- in fact, would be deleterious.  i know that the calbar association is very serious about their rules and to the close adherence thereof and that if i miss a deadline or fail to submit something properly, then i'm screwed.

 

and i know from experience.  because i have hit those snafus and didn't realize the missteps -- until it was too late to rectify them.

 

but did i ever complain?  did i beg or plead for mercy?

 

sure, i would call in my questions and concerns to a polite spokesperson for the calbar association.  but when i was told that there was nothing that could be done, i accepted that.  and i agreed to bide my time and wait until the next go-'round.

 

this is why i'm unsympathetic to the plight of this person:

 

paralyzed uc davis law grad says State Bar is barrier to her career

 

am i supposed to cry tears of sympathy for her, if only because she is a paralyzed person?

 

call me a fucking cold-hearted bitch.  but . . . while i sympathize with her for her physical state, i do not sympathize with the lack of following the rules.  sure, it makes a difference if the calbar association actually reassured her she was good to go -- and then rescinded that comment.  that's just messed up and fucked up.  but if this is something that she could have done a better job of being vigilant about, then no, i'm sorry.  no sympathy.  no tears from me.

current status report

haven't been blogging lately.

haven't had anything to say, really.

i am totally burned out. totally slacking off with the studying. sometimes i wonder why i am doing this again -- i had already resolved not to do it, at least not until i'm ready.

and i'm not really sure i'm feeling ready for it this time around. :-T

still, i've paid my $600+ for this opportunity, and i've gotten this far, so might as well finish it out just so that i can say that i followed through. will give myself 3 hours to do 100 mbe questions this evening to see where i'm at with that and whether i need to do at least a few more practice questions before next week. hopefully, i'm good to go with those and can use the remainder of my time concentrating on the essays and making sure i can recite as many rules and statements of law as i can for each of the topics. gotta know those cold . . . .

didn't do any practice mpt questions. i think i'm good with those. i've consistently scored 65s and 70s on those the last couple of go-'rounds, so i'm not going to be too worried about those. if anything, i know the three hours that are given to answer each one is probably going to wear me down a little. but other than that, i'm not really concerned about them, and i'll make sure i can grind it out.

i've gotten fat. i can't believe how quickly my body can just go. haven't gone on a run since mid-june. i've been eating a lot. i've been mostly sedentary. i've been slurping on a lot of iced soy chai lattes and vanilla soy lattes from starbucks to aid my study endeavors. i've started up smoking as well this past month.

and now my belly is hanging over the top of my pants.

i find myself absentmindedly poking myself in the soft cushion of my belly a lot lately. or squeezing the belly fat between my fingers. i'm kind of fascinated by it all, by my own body's changes. i certainly can't wait to have my life resume again after next week and to be able to take care of myself a little bit better. but i'm still fascinated. if i let myself go and did not care, it looks like i'd be a pear-shaped woman. i'd still have my thin chicken legs, and my shoulders would still be bony and slight. but my belly would protrude. there would not be an even spread of fat throughout the whole of my body. it'd all sit in my middle.

i'd be pear-shaped.

ew.

can't wait to start running again. seriously.

:-T

encouraged. a little.

was told by my ch!ef today that it is okay if i fail.  that he knows that i will pass this time, but if not, we will keep trying until i pass.

 

means a lot.

how i feel right now

subsidence

most of the crazy drama i experienced last week has ebbed.

MOST of it.

other drama remains.

i don't want to give up too many details about it. but it's just a sensitive time. plus, with me trying to dedicate as much of these next couple of weeks to studying at the exclusion of all else, the only thing i want to be doing right now is dedicating focus to that -- and nothing else.

no distractions.

i am thinking i should cancel my appointment with my shrink tomorrow. i think i'm good now.

i'm just tired right now.

back to the books.

always "yes"-ing

i've had to call in to my shrink yesterday to make arrangements to come in.

 

my appointment is set for next week.  it was the earliest point in time that i could come in.  after all, despite whatever woes i feel i'm facing, i am certainly not suicidal or feeling murderous or anything.

 

i've been encountering a lot of changes recently.  the major ones have been of my own doing.  and i'm finding out that, even as i go through my own adjustments in trying to adapt to these new changes, there are others around me who are not accepting the changes as willingly as i had hoped.  as a result, despite the changes, i am doing my utmost to ensure that the relationships themselves do not undergo any drastic changes and to assure everyone that my relationships with them will remain unchanged and as privileged as always.  it is still early enough as it is, and i suppose not enough time has been given by either me or anyone else to truly adapt and accept.  but these early days are still tough.  it has been stressing me out.  and it's to the point where i feel i have to seek the advice and counsel of an outside person to help me re-find focus and cut out all the extraneous noise so that i can see the true path, uncluttered, once and for all.

 

i have this thing about therapists and psychiatrists, though.  while i seek their guidance and do  realize the importance of their role and their advice, i also generally take what they say with a grain of salt.  i've found that, while the counsel they provide is based on their experiences and also their opinion of what is right, i always come away feeling like their advice is so . . . unempathetic to me as an asian-american chick, and even more so as a gay asian-american chick.  but their advice is not to be simply discounted because of the lack of cultural insight they may have; the advice still is great as a stepping stone.  but i've found that, after a session with a counselor, there is still so much legwork i have to do in figuring out things and in trying to make western theories of good psychological health mesh with all the unique dysfunctions of coming from a traditional asian family.

 

all that shit – plus trying to study – and other shit – . . . . just has not been making abbagirl a happy camper recently.

 

abbagirl is losing herself.

 

abbagirl is falling apart.

 

abbagirl cannot wait until the month of july is over.

 

but most importantly, abbagirl must stop saying "yes" to everyone.

 

:-P

 

:-T