the news

no, i didn't pass.

no, i don't know when i'll take it again.

no, i certainly am not planning to take the february 2009 exam right now.

no, i'm not as upset about it as i have been at other times.

but no, i don't want to talk about it, either.

some of you have left me the most thoughtful and encouraging comments and messages. i sincerely thank you for your words. and while i don't know when, or even if, i'll be taking the california bar again, your words haven't fallen on deaf ears. thank you for the encouragement.

in the meantime, i've come to a realization.

the pride and enjoyment i currently take from my job, my desire to go to graduate school -- these are all cop-outs. it is so easy to take pleasure in the things that come relatively easier to me than others. and while i still do love my job and still do want to be in graduate school to get my ph.d., a dream i've had since high school, they are still distractions from the fact that i'm a nothing but a

i am nothing until i pass the bar exam. everything else, even graduate school, is second rate until or unless i pass it. thereafter, i could say fuck you to the entire legal profession and the whole construct of law. but until then, to say such things is merely to be spiteful. until then, i have no right to say anything.

i'm glad i can find jobs in which i can be appreciated for my skills and personality, as i have been lucky to do so far. and i'm grateful that i was able to get admitted into only one of eight graduate programs i applied to. i appreciate having a family that has accepted my failings without loving me any less and who care enough about me to either not talk about the bar exam when i don't feel like talking about it or even if i obviously don't want to talk about it, still telling me to not be so defeated and to try to take the fucker again and again until i do pass.

i just need to continue trying to figure out what it is i'm not getting right . . . .

i didn't study very much for this last one. i'm the first to admit it. i did score higher on the essays this time around than the last time i took the bar exam. my mbe score remained the same -- low. my multi-state essay scores were all over the board. but my performance test scores remained the same -- high.

i don't remember what the multi-state essay questions were. but when i review them, i'll have a better idea of which topics are my stronger ones and which are weaker.

but . . . i dunno.

whatever.

we'll see what i decide to do.

nam mô a di đà phật

i'm starting to get paranoid.

a part of me is afraid to know and to share what the news is because i have this image in my head of people secretly laughing at me. people who may appear to be my friends and seem to have my best interests at heart but who secretly actually harbor an uncontained joy at seeing my face splattered with pie.

this shouldn't be about passing or failing.

it should be about whether i maintain sanity, a sense of equilibrium, and remain unchanged, regardless of whether i pass or fail. the core of me, my sense of being, should bend and sway with each gust of wind, but it ultimately should not be altered in any way.

whether i'm a lawyer, or whether i'm not, i'm still me. whether something does or does not occur, i am not to be redefined. i will continue to be as i am.

i just got home from the gym, where i participated in a one-hour yoga class.

i'm now going to take a hot shower and unwind.

and then i'm going to read my mail.

NOPE.

still haven't looked. everything is going so well in my life right now. and the idea that my good attitude and good outlook can be turned upside-down, my mood darkened and gloomy, just from looking at the results pisses me off.

i'm not looking yet.

i'm not, i'm not, i'm NOT.

. . . not yet.

luckily, i've been out of the house for most of the weekend. i hung out at a friend's house most of saturday. when i got home, i found the mail had arrived -- including the large, almost-square white envelope with the state bar's return address in the top right corner. i tossed it aside and didn't look at it again.

then today, i spent the day at the house of another friend. it was supposed to be a short visit, but they ended up insisting i stay for dinner. another good, long distraction. we had a good time.

and now i am home again. and it's quite easy for me to avoid delving into my pile of unopened mail or to go looking for my calbar applicant info so that i can check results out over the internet. you have no idea how easy . . . . and the fact that i know i'll be mad/disappointed/gloomy right after looking is incentive for me to keep my blinders on.

no worries, though. when i do look, you'll be the first to know -- all of you. i keep no secrets from the few of you guys who read my blog -- well, except maybe one or two. . . . but you've been with me through this whole process; i won't keep you in the dark when it comes to how this particular aspect of my journey goes.

so maybe tomorrow . . . . maybe tomorrow, i'll just do it and get it over with.

not tonight

it's about 9 p.m. right now, as i'm starting this post.

i haven't checked yet.

and i don't want to.

call me stupid. call me an idiot. but i don't care.

i'm not looking. not tonight.

this contrasts with earlier times. during each of those prior times, on each designated day, i could barely wait for the appropriate digits on the clock to appear.

6:00 p.m.

then, like thousands of other rabid persons, i would immediately go through the necessary motions to see whether my time had arrived, eyes nervously glued to the computer screen, heart palpitating. and when i saw that the fates had not been kind, i would believe there was some error -- perhaps i inputted incorrect data, perhaps i ought to try again. . . .

only to find there was no mistake.

i'm done.

i'm over that.

it's been three hours since "it" arrived. and unlike those times before, unlike the thousands of other rabid persons who went through the necessary motions today, i did not.

one of my best friends suggesting going out for drinks after work.

and i accepted.

and now i'm here at home.

a part of me wants to know.

but another part of me wishes to refrain from knowing.

perhaps it's best if i don't.

you see, i'm fine with how things are going right now. my life is good.

i make decent living wages. i enjoy my work. i look forward to going to the office each and every day to perform my duties and to see the faces of people whose company i have come to enjoy. life is tranquil -- predictable, yet not; full of routine, yet also interesting and full of motivating forces that continue to keep my attention roused and piqued.

why ruin this?

why ruin this with disappointment?

i'm sure i will check on things. i'm sure i will, in fact, go through the necessary motions that thousands of other rabid persons have already done this evening.

but not yet.

i want to continue enjoying this feeling of contentment i have finally earned with my life right now. i want to continue holding on to the hope that i have that i will some time soon earn my living using the skills i've worked long, hard, and asiduously to develop; the hope that i have that my time has come.

i don't want it all to come crashing down just yet and see that i still haven't come close to achieving that.

plus, there's just something fucked up about how this shit is done.

you give me a specific date and time and expect me to drop everything and hover anxiously about the computer until the appropriate time comes, like i have nothing better to do, nothing more to live for? i'm supposed to be your little slave bitch and have my emotions tied to something stupid and lame and insignificant as this?

hell no.

this time, i'll do things on my own time, thank you very much.

asshole.

fucker.

piece of shit.

smelly chode.

fuck you.

i'm not a slave to the machine. i'll do things when i'm ready, not when you tell me to. my terms, not yours.

so tomorrow. . . .

maybe i'll check on things tomorrow.

the alcohol i consumed tonight has made me drowsy. i'm off to bed.

chill-axed

i've begun receiving a number of materials in the mail pertaining to grad school – letters of welcome, housing information, financial aid notices, etc.  i can begin registering for classes for spring semester quite soon – in just a couple of weeks, actually.

 

craziness.

 

i'm tempted to go.  and i'm tempted to stay.  i'm tempted to plunge into the unknown.  and i'm tempted to remain here in the known.

 

ambivalence.

 

i'm such an ambivalent, open-minded pea-brain that i just really can't stand it.

 

:-T

 

i got back from florida this past sunday.  my mom picked me up from the airport, and then we had dim sum for lunch.  it was delish!  but i was exhausted.  i had only gotten a couple hours of sleep before getting up at 3 a.m. to finish up my packing and then heading to the airport for my 6 a.m. flight.  i'm still kind of tired today, but work has been stimulating and hectic enough for me to find motivation to shake off the exhaustion and get shit done.

 

in florida, i spent about three of my afternoons there lazing around on the beach.  it was just great.  i love the sun.  the temperature high was about 80 degrees, and the sea also brought in some gusts.  i enjoyed it immensely.

 

this week marks the first time that bar results are imminent and i'm not freaking out about them.  i still have my eye warily affixed onto the date.  and my heart still skips a beat when i think about it.  but at the same time, i'm not obsessed with results anymore.  it's just . . . there.

 

i'm content with my job.  sure, i'm totally over-qualified.  and sure, i could've ended up in a job like this without having pursued the extra education.  people say things happen for a reason. . . .  i'm not sure i believe in the fates like that.  but i will say that allegedly being over-qualified for this job has begun to pay off for me, reputation-wise.  i just learned yesterday that a lot of the big cheeses have begun singing my praises because of the fact that i've been working extra long and hard for them while my boss has been out of the office. 

 

it's just good to know that i've made myself become a valuable asset.

 

:-T

 

sometimes when some of my good friends here at the office gripe about their job, even as i commiserate with them, i have to wonder how hard they've been trying, if at all, to not only ensure they do good work but also that they cultivate positive relationships.  it's not that i purposely set out to have good relationships with everyone i meet.  in fact, i'm quite short and abrupt and unfriendly with those who have rubbed me the wrong way or whom i can't stand, period.  but nonetheless, it's not hard to put forth the effort to ensure that i'm satisfied with the job and that everyone else above me is satisfied with my work, too.  i take great personal pride in it.  it's like making sure you carefully tend to your garden so that every blossom, every fruit blooms to its fullest and most beautiful.  like, in my eyes, don't complain about stuff if you haven't given it your all and at least tried to make things work.

 

ya know?

 

anyhow.

 

one thing about my trip to florida last week that was really helpful for me was not only the chance to hang out on the beach and add some color to my otherwise-pale, winter hide – but also a chance to get dimples out of my system.

 

and you know, i did manage to get her out of my system.

 

i'm so detached and free of any residual feelings for her that i feel like i'm a brand new person already.  like, i still care about her, care about our friendship, care about her family and her kid.  and yet . . . .

 

that's all.

 

nothing more, nothing less.

 

:-T

 

i get a different sense from her, though.  i feel like she, too, cares about me.  but although nothing has been said, and we have never broached the topic of that brief relationship we had, i can still feel the depth of her emotions for me.  when she and i are alone together, her nearness to me feels like a deep chasm.  i can approach it and peer into it, but i don't fear it.  i don't fear falling into it.  it's just so different from how i was just a few weeks ago, when i was still wanting desperately for us to try it again. . . .

 

:-T

 

the thing is, i realize she's not my type whatsoever.  and it is for so many different reasons.  yes, she's attractive.  yes, she has an amazing scent that i enjoy catching a whiff of when i can.  but she's not my type.  she's not someone i think i could be with as a long-term thing.

 

as for her, i think she'd rather not do anything more.  like, i know she wants to be in a relationship.  but i don't expect her to do anything more to restart anything.  she has pretty good self-control. 

 

it's just interesting.

 

anyhow, this has been a great week.  i've learned that the big cheeses love me, i'm freshly rested thanks to a five-day trip to the sunshine state, my skin has a summery glow to it . . . .

 

things are good.

 

OH.  WAIT.  SHIT.

 

bar exam results tomorrow.

 

FUCKER!

 

O_o

damn it.

today, there is a potluck party for lunch at the office.

 

i forgot.

 

we do it once a month to celebrate all/any birthdays that occurred during the month.

 

i have to take a late break this morning, as close to noon as possible, to sneak out and get some grub.

 

fuck!

 

hopefully, though, this means that today will be a chill-axin' day, what with all the managers, supes, and big cheeses stuffing themselves to the gill with lots of food.

 

:-T

 

for the last couple of potlucks, i've tended to go to a local favorite chinese restaurant of mine and get some beef chow fun to go; it's usually a hit.

 

i may get that for the potluck again today -- or i may do something different. . . .

 

time will tell. . . .  but this beef chow fun is BOMB!

 

:)

finally getting a break

i'm sitting at houston international airport right now. one-hour lay-over. plus, the flight's been delayed by an additional hour.

i'm on my way to florida. why florida? why not? beach, sun, time to chill. it's a much-needed respite.

work's just been so heinous. and i've been getting on with the big wigs up top. going to high-level meetings, doing high-level work. not to mention that all those big wigs do love me.

yes, they love me.

bar exam results come out soon. there's a ticker at the top of my blog that counts down the days. but i haven't looked at it in a few weeks. still, i know the day is coming.

i'm also continuing to think about my grad school choice: to go or not to go? the time is ticking down, slowly but surely. i need to decide soon.

i'm balancing that decision with the fact that i have become so career-conscious at my office. i know i can excel there, and i know i can stay on long term. i've never been engaged in work that has such a far-reaching effect on a huge population of a state's citizens. if i wanted to, i could stay here and see just how high i could climb. people are even starting to joke about me taking my own boss' place some time soon! it's no secret that he's been unhappy in his position. it's just not only fast-paced, but because he's so good at his job, he keeps getting more and more shit piled on top of him. so while it's quite tempting and flattering to think that they think i'd make a good replacement and of course also take on the prestige associated with his job, a part of me kind of shies away from taking on all that responsibility and stress. hell no! on the whole, i like being a little state-worker-bee peon, protected by bargaining unit terms, thank you very much!

anyway, with all these choices ahead of me, it's hard. so hard to decide.

but i'm going to put off the decision for at least another week. i'll be hitting the beach, reading books, writing, and hopefully just having a ton of fun in general.

in the meantime, during this layover, i have to try to get some work done. today is veteran's day, a california state holiday. and technically, i'm not supposed to be working on a state holiday. but even the big wigs didn't say a word when i offered to finish up on some important docs that we're about to submit to third-party big wigs.

it's gotta be done by today. . . .

the sacrifices i make for my "career"!

:-T

back to good

craziness.

 

i haven't really had a decent moment to myself for reflection.  i'm either too busy or too . . . dead tired.

 

life has gotten into kind of a steady pattern.  i grudgingly crawl out of bed in the morning after hugging and kissing my dog good morning, then we both get started on our day.  i get to work, sometimes on time, sometimes just a tad bit late, slaver over my desk, b.s. with my close co-worker friends, and when it's time to go home, i wind my way, slowly but surely, back home with my zune playing random tunes through the car stereo.  when i get home, i'm often grumpy and tired, but the love and excitement that my dog greets me with makes it all worth the while, and the flickering warmth of love for her spreads through me to mellow my mood.  then i hit the hay, and the whole routine starts anew the next day.

 

the only wrench in the routine is the fact that i have been hacking and coughing non-stop for almost a week now.  i came down with the flu some time last week, and i was able to come to work and plow through feelings of wooziness and fever last tuesday and wednesday, but come thursday, my body'd had enough, and i asked my boss if i could take the day off from noon to five.  he was totally cool with it.  i also took friday off.  seriously, flu season sucks.  now, i'm stuck with a hoarse throat and frenetic fits of coughing, so for the most part, i am trying to lay low and keep to myself in my own cube.

 

work is just busy, though.  but the pace is good.  it's been good enough and just tiring enough to make me forget that an important day is coming up mid-way through the month of november. . . .

 

and then, of course, there is that decision i have of whether to move out of state or not and go to school. . . .

 

seriously.  what a time for me right now.

 

:-T

 

dimples and i are good.  just friends.  it was kind of weird at first.  we were both tentative.  for my part, i just did not know how to act or what to say.  but we have quickly fallen into a rhythm.  we are friends, and we are rather close friends.  and yet we are rather limited as well.  there are just certain things we don't talk about or joke about anymore.  and yet we still have great conversations and care about each other, and we always know what the other is generally feeling.

 

so another way of phrasing things is things are just the same between us.  and yet different.  yet not so different that it has hampered our friendship.  if that makes sense.

 

yet there are moments when she looks at me, and our gazes hold together for a few heavy seconds. . . .  and it is a look in her eyes that i have seen before, when we were together.  and yet when that look comes over her face, there is nothing i can do or say.  even if i wanted to do or say something, though, the look is gone just as quickly as it arrived.  and i'm sure she has caught me with the same look on my face, too.

 

what can you do?

 

:-T

 

anyway, i've decided that there is nothing wrong with how i treat relationships.

 

i think there is nothing wrong with being in love with most people i've ever had any kind of meaningful or intimate relationship with.

 

to be in love with someone, for me, is to not only see right through to the heart of a person but also be able to have your own heart merge with hers, too.  and even if the merging happens only briefly, it's still okay to feel a meaningful and moving effect from that contact.

 

i see the good in everyone.  it is what allows me to continue to appreciate and forgive them even if they've treated me like shit.  if i find something about them to love, then no matter what, i'll always come back to that feeling and everything else falls away, forgiven even if not forgotten.

 

so yeah.  maybe i was kind of in love with dimples.

 

and i am thinking that, while this may make me a total sentimentalist . . . .

 

there might not be nothing wrong with that at all.

 

:-T