still searching for direction

i am not okay.  i am not well.

 

this truth didn't really hit me until recently.  i am sick.  as in not healthy. 

 

i am so grateful to have the therapist i have.  she is amazing.  compassionate, understanding, sympathetic.  insightful.  and she's on my side.  it really touches me when she shows she's been listening to me and wants to really help me get healthy and is willing to make time for me.  it is just so nice to know that i have someone.  someone who knows and understands me.  someone with whom i can be candid and from whom i can get honest feedback and astute perspective.  it does wonders for me to be able to go in and see her and talk through all my preoccupations, anxieties, woes.  by the end of this month, i wil have seen her five weeks in a row.  fuck me, but i do need it.

 

i feel all broken to pieces.  fragmented.  with most of the broken pieces beyond all repair.  not that they ever really fit me well to begin with.  i'm ready to fix everything about myself up.  i want to fix it all at once.  my doctor tells me that takes time, though.  and we are just going to go bit by bit, block by block.  fixing each block, she says, may lead to other blocks being fixed at the same time along the way.  but the focus should be one by one. 

 

okay, doc.  you got it.

 

for the longest time, whenever i went to go see my therapist, she would ask me where i envisioned myself.  what the ultimate form of happiness would be.  what i would be doing with my life, in an ideal situation.  i never had an answer for her.

 

and now she gets it.

 

she gets that, whenever i do try to envision those kinds of situations, i see nothing.  i don't have those kinds of visions, goals, dreams.  i can't see anything beyond what is here and now.  she has started to call it a void.  but she is helping me to create what i want to be in the void.  we're not there yet.  not until i get past the current situation i'm in.  but the goal is ultimately for me to be able to create those kind of roads that will lead me in the right direction towards the kind of life i (don't quite yet know i) want to have.

 

eventually.  slowly but surely.  i'll get there.

 

in the meantime, first thing's first:

 

dealing with letting dimples go.  once and for all.