i have had a touch-and-go relationship with this blog since i first started it up, just less than a year ago. i've always wanted it to work but was never really sure what place it had in my life, since i already have another blog that is hosted on another site. a couple of times, this blog became more of a burden than a boon, and i decided to stop blogging here twice.
after the second time i quit this blog, then decided to come back again, it was because i had resolved to write on here as clearly and truthfully as i could. i could not do so on my other blog, and i felt constricted by all the things that i was leaving unexpressed; i just cannot write as freely or honestly there. therefore, i came back to blogger and took to writing on this blog with a renewed sense of purpose, and i have not looked back since.
i give the blogger community a lot of deference; everyone i have "met" here is very mature and intelligent, and i trust any of them who happen to stumble upon my blog on any given day to judge it and to take it or leave it as they will. and i have to admit that the fact that this blog is completely anonymous has given me the courage to write about things i probably wouldn't ordinarily write about.
take my last post, for example. it definitely deviates from what i usually write, obviously. it contains, as the anonymous commenter there pointed out, "t.m.i."
to tell the truth, i wholeheartedly agree -- perhaps it is t.m.i. to talk about such things. and i have to admit that i felt somewhat self-conscious and uneasy when i posted it. i knew the subject matter and the details would shock the sensibilities of my gentle reader(s). but in the end, i decided to post it because, well, why the hell not?
no one pays me to write on this blog. no one sponsors me. i do it of my own volition. therefore, the way i see it, i can blog about whatever i want to blog. plus, obviously, i'm just yet one of millions upon millions of blogs floating out there on the internetz, and there are probably only one or two people who read me on a regular basis anyway. if these are not reasons enough for me to write purely for myself and not for a particular audience, i don't know what is. and while i'd love to always stick to "safe" topics, even i have to admit that it can get rather dry and boring writing about the same ol' things over and over again, i.e., the bar exam and its aftermath, the job hunt, etc. i just like to think there is more to me than that stuff.
i will not apologize nor censor myself. i'm an anonymous blogger, trying to make sense of her own life and mind -- and i see no reason to be less than honest about my journey.
and that is all i will say on this.
oh, but i do feel it incumbent to at least warn you, anonymous, that my next post may also involve hot tubs, so you might want to veer your eyes away from this blog for a while. i can also point you in the direction of some great, well-written blogs that are more conducive to your pg-13 rated preferences if you'd like.
thank you, and have a good day.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
pain and suffering
i'm such a baby.
i put off doing my TB test for a couple of days because i absolutely hate needles. but i finally made myself go to the clinic today.
yes, i'm still getting a tattoo. and i know what it will be and where i'll put it. but how i'll get through the needle part of it all, i have no idea. it's just a bridge i'll cross when i have to.
:-T
i think the lady who administered the shot to me was surprised by how much of a baby i am. all azngrrls are supposed to inherently be fierce, mean, dragon-lady bitches, and usually i am -- but unfortunately the facade dropped when i saw the needle, and i was soon quaking in my shoes.
i made the lady tell me exactly what she was going to do as she started preparing her materials. she calmly told me what i should expect, and then i reluctantly laid my arm on a table, squinched my eyes tightly shut, and looked away. i felt two tiny pinches go into my forearm, one right after the other. the lady encouraged me to look at what she was doing as she was doing it, but i told her tersely, "no! i'm not looking!" and then when it was over, she released me, and i looked down at my arm. there was a small mound that had risen where she had punctured my skin and a tiny red drop of blood.
the lady gave me instructions on what to do the next couple of days while gently swabbing at the red dot of blood that kept re-appearing on my arm as the blood seeped through the hole in the skin she had poked: basically i shouldn't touch, rub, or bump the area where i was given the shot -- which i'm already finding hard to avoid doing. :-P i'm also to come back in a couple of days for the TB reading itself.
i'd no idea that there would be a second visit involved. but the lady assured me that the worst was over and that there would be no more needles.
ai-ya.
with every pre-employment requirement i get out of the way, the closer i am to being able to work. i'm getting more and more excited -- i'm pretty stoked and curious about the work i'll be doing.
but okay, i'm also eager for a regular paycheck again. i think i'll end up blowing that first paycheck just because! i plan on hitting urban outfitters, sephora, border's, and jcrew -- though not necessarily in that order! i just totally need to update my wardrobe, both daily wear and professional wear.
i'm also in dire need of new books to read. i've finished two books during the past week: the unwanted: a memoir of childhood by kien nguyen and the rape of nanking: the forgotten holocaust of world war ii by iris chang.
i'm a fan of memoir writing in general. there is no more compelling way to tell a good story than using the fodder in one's own life. but nguyen's memoir is probably one of the most powerful i've ever read. he tells the story of growing up as an amer-asian boy in vietnam right around the fall of saigon in 1975 until he and his family are able to leave the country to come to america.
for me, the book is very compelling for a number of reasons. first of all, i finally can get a glimpse into what the conditions of vietnam were like right around the time my own fam fled the country. until now, i'd had only my family's stories and memories -- but there were lots of other sketchy things that i've never fully understood until now.
for instance, it finally hit home to me how dangerous the ideals of communism is when in the wrong hands. throughout my education, my teachers and professors always seemed to expound the notion that egalitarianism on all fronts is the ideal way of life. it's a really great ideal, one that i bought into for a long time, because what can be better than a society in which no one goes needy or hungry? in which our most basic needs are taken care of communally?
it makes sense to me why "my people" then latched onto the idea. vietnam is a poor, third-world country. there were a few rich people who had vast estates and employed a good number of the local villagers to work in the fields to cull rice and vegetables from the land. i'm not saying that that's the way it should still be . . . what i do say is that, if i were a peasant and someone told me it would be possible to form a new society in which i wouldn't have to work so hard for the benefit of another and remain poor, it would appeal to me. but what dismays me the most about it is how virulently violent the people became against each other -- it was virtually brother against brother. who knew that, in vietnam, such hatred, crudeness, and cruelty could sizzle beneath so many people's skins?
on my mom's side, i have a great, great grandmother who, before the vietnam conflict, owned a small estate and grew a few crops in north vietnam. she employed some people to work the land for her, and from what i understand, she treated the workers pretty well. nonetheless, when the viet cong gained in power, they still came after her. a few workers remained loyal to her and helped her escape, but the commies stole her land, her house, her possessions. she lost everything -- but if she had stayed, they would certainly have killed her or at least harmed her in some way. it is useless to feel this way now, but it makes me angry how quickly the people turned on her and turned on each other, just so that they could steal other people's crap.
power-mad crazies.
second, the book gives a taste of just how racist vietnamese peeps can be. as an amer-asian kid, half-white and half-vietnamese, nguyen had to deal with other people, especially kids his own age, calling him "bastard" and "half-breed." especially after the fall of saigon and with all the commies taking over the governing of the country, the commies were particularly hard on anyone who sympathized or worked with the americans during their occupation of vietnam. as an amer-asian, it was hard for nguyen's mother to hide the fact that she had "consorted with the enemy" on a most base level not just once but twice (nguyen has a brother who was fathered by another white american soldier). but even despite the harsh treatment that nguyen faced as an amer-asian, it was nothing like the treatment that other amer-asian kids, whose fathers were african-american, faced. even their own mothers despised them and treated them really badly because of the color of their skin or the texture of their hair.
it just fills me with dismay. like, if you're going to treat your kids like shit because of their skin color or their hair, then what the hell were you doing sleeping around with black dudes?
i hate hypocrites.
and third, the book is interesting because it gives a glimpse of what the country was like after the war was supposedly over, when the americans left, and the rest of the country realized that they now how to live under the auspices of communist rule, under the "kind" guidance of "uncle ho," aka ho chi minh. a lot of them held on to the hope that the new government would fail within just a few weeks, maybe even months. when it didn't, they resigned themselves to the new way of life.
i've already passed the book on to my mom, and even though she hasn't finished reading it, it's already provided a lot of fodder between us for discussions about to the state of vietnam then and now, her own experiences while growing up there, and everything that her family's been through. she told me she was glad that i had found a book that could teach me the perspective of the non-commie viet people at the time and help me understand just how atrocious that period in history was and why she feels such mixed emotions about vietnam and the people.
as for the rape of nanking, that has got to be the most difficult book i've ever read. it tells of the atrocities committed by the japanese army, while world war ii was raging, when japan thought it could extend its empire across mainland china. the chinese had recruited hundreds of thousands of men and boys into its army, most of them never having seen any combat. that, coupled with the fact that the chinese military command was completely inept, allowed japanese forces to enter and occupy the cultural capital of china, nanking. although half of the inhabitants of the city had already fled, this still left approximately 800,000 persons in the city. and the japanese army then began systematically killing, torturing, raping, maiming, castrating, decapitating, and committing other heinous acts against every man, woman, and child they found.
it was just so disturbing to read. chang unflinchingly goes into full detail about how those poor souls suffered at the hands of the japanese men. i had to put the book down when i was about one-third of the way through because i couldn't take it, and then i couldn't get myself to pick it up again for a couple of days. the photographs were particularly disturbing. i just cannot comprehend how easily people can succumb to that darker, crueler side of their nature and do such things to each other.
i just don't get it.
but i shouldn't get so dark and gloomy before bed-time.
i need to find some ogden nash poems to lighten up my mood.
like this one:
i put off doing my TB test for a couple of days because i absolutely hate needles. but i finally made myself go to the clinic today.
yes, i'm still getting a tattoo. and i know what it will be and where i'll put it. but how i'll get through the needle part of it all, i have no idea. it's just a bridge i'll cross when i have to.
:-T
i think the lady who administered the shot to me was surprised by how much of a baby i am. all azngrrls are supposed to inherently be fierce, mean, dragon-lady bitches, and usually i am -- but unfortunately the facade dropped when i saw the needle, and i was soon quaking in my shoes.
i made the lady tell me exactly what she was going to do as she started preparing her materials. she calmly told me what i should expect, and then i reluctantly laid my arm on a table, squinched my eyes tightly shut, and looked away. i felt two tiny pinches go into my forearm, one right after the other. the lady encouraged me to look at what she was doing as she was doing it, but i told her tersely, "no! i'm not looking!" and then when it was over, she released me, and i looked down at my arm. there was a small mound that had risen where she had punctured my skin and a tiny red drop of blood.
the lady gave me instructions on what to do the next couple of days while gently swabbing at the red dot of blood that kept re-appearing on my arm as the blood seeped through the hole in the skin she had poked: basically i shouldn't touch, rub, or bump the area where i was given the shot -- which i'm already finding hard to avoid doing. :-P i'm also to come back in a couple of days for the TB reading itself.
i'd no idea that there would be a second visit involved. but the lady assured me that the worst was over and that there would be no more needles.
ai-ya.
with every pre-employment requirement i get out of the way, the closer i am to being able to work. i'm getting more and more excited -- i'm pretty stoked and curious about the work i'll be doing.
but okay, i'm also eager for a regular paycheck again. i think i'll end up blowing that first paycheck just because! i plan on hitting urban outfitters, sephora, border's, and jcrew -- though not necessarily in that order! i just totally need to update my wardrobe, both daily wear and professional wear.
i'm also in dire need of new books to read. i've finished two books during the past week: the unwanted: a memoir of childhood by kien nguyen and the rape of nanking: the forgotten holocaust of world war ii by iris chang.
i'm a fan of memoir writing in general. there is no more compelling way to tell a good story than using the fodder in one's own life. but nguyen's memoir is probably one of the most powerful i've ever read. he tells the story of growing up as an amer-asian boy in vietnam right around the fall of saigon in 1975 until he and his family are able to leave the country to come to america.
for me, the book is very compelling for a number of reasons. first of all, i finally can get a glimpse into what the conditions of vietnam were like right around the time my own fam fled the country. until now, i'd had only my family's stories and memories -- but there were lots of other sketchy things that i've never fully understood until now.
for instance, it finally hit home to me how dangerous the ideals of communism is when in the wrong hands. throughout my education, my teachers and professors always seemed to expound the notion that egalitarianism on all fronts is the ideal way of life. it's a really great ideal, one that i bought into for a long time, because what can be better than a society in which no one goes needy or hungry? in which our most basic needs are taken care of communally?
it makes sense to me why "my people" then latched onto the idea. vietnam is a poor, third-world country. there were a few rich people who had vast estates and employed a good number of the local villagers to work in the fields to cull rice and vegetables from the land. i'm not saying that that's the way it should still be . . . what i do say is that, if i were a peasant and someone told me it would be possible to form a new society in which i wouldn't have to work so hard for the benefit of another and remain poor, it would appeal to me. but what dismays me the most about it is how virulently violent the people became against each other -- it was virtually brother against brother. who knew that, in vietnam, such hatred, crudeness, and cruelty could sizzle beneath so many people's skins?
on my mom's side, i have a great, great grandmother who, before the vietnam conflict, owned a small estate and grew a few crops in north vietnam. she employed some people to work the land for her, and from what i understand, she treated the workers pretty well. nonetheless, when the viet cong gained in power, they still came after her. a few workers remained loyal to her and helped her escape, but the commies stole her land, her house, her possessions. she lost everything -- but if she had stayed, they would certainly have killed her or at least harmed her in some way. it is useless to feel this way now, but it makes me angry how quickly the people turned on her and turned on each other, just so that they could steal other people's crap.
power-mad crazies.
second, the book gives a taste of just how racist vietnamese peeps can be. as an amer-asian kid, half-white and half-vietnamese, nguyen had to deal with other people, especially kids his own age, calling him "bastard" and "half-breed." especially after the fall of saigon and with all the commies taking over the governing of the country, the commies were particularly hard on anyone who sympathized or worked with the americans during their occupation of vietnam. as an amer-asian, it was hard for nguyen's mother to hide the fact that she had "consorted with the enemy" on a most base level not just once but twice (nguyen has a brother who was fathered by another white american soldier). but even despite the harsh treatment that nguyen faced as an amer-asian, it was nothing like the treatment that other amer-asian kids, whose fathers were african-american, faced. even their own mothers despised them and treated them really badly because of the color of their skin or the texture of their hair.
it just fills me with dismay. like, if you're going to treat your kids like shit because of their skin color or their hair, then what the hell were you doing sleeping around with black dudes?
i hate hypocrites.
and third, the book is interesting because it gives a glimpse of what the country was like after the war was supposedly over, when the americans left, and the rest of the country realized that they now how to live under the auspices of communist rule, under the "kind" guidance of "uncle ho," aka ho chi minh. a lot of them held on to the hope that the new government would fail within just a few weeks, maybe even months. when it didn't, they resigned themselves to the new way of life.
i've already passed the book on to my mom, and even though she hasn't finished reading it, it's already provided a lot of fodder between us for discussions about to the state of vietnam then and now, her own experiences while growing up there, and everything that her family's been through. she told me she was glad that i had found a book that could teach me the perspective of the non-commie viet people at the time and help me understand just how atrocious that period in history was and why she feels such mixed emotions about vietnam and the people.
as for the rape of nanking, that has got to be the most difficult book i've ever read. it tells of the atrocities committed by the japanese army, while world war ii was raging, when japan thought it could extend its empire across mainland china. the chinese had recruited hundreds of thousands of men and boys into its army, most of them never having seen any combat. that, coupled with the fact that the chinese military command was completely inept, allowed japanese forces to enter and occupy the cultural capital of china, nanking. although half of the inhabitants of the city had already fled, this still left approximately 800,000 persons in the city. and the japanese army then began systematically killing, torturing, raping, maiming, castrating, decapitating, and committing other heinous acts against every man, woman, and child they found.
it was just so disturbing to read. chang unflinchingly goes into full detail about how those poor souls suffered at the hands of the japanese men. i had to put the book down when i was about one-third of the way through because i couldn't take it, and then i couldn't get myself to pick it up again for a couple of days. the photographs were particularly disturbing. i just cannot comprehend how easily people can succumb to that darker, crueler side of their nature and do such things to each other.
i just don't get it.
but i shouldn't get so dark and gloomy before bed-time.
i need to find some ogden nash poems to lighten up my mood.
like this one:
To A Small Boy Standing On My Shoes While I Am Wearing Them
By Ogden Nash
Let's straighten this out, my little man,
And reach an agreement if we can.
I entered your door as an honored guest.
My shoes are shined and my trousers are pressed,
And I won't stretch out and read you the funnies
And I won't pretend that we're Easter bunnies.
If you must get somebody down on the floor,
What in the hell are your parents for?
I do not like the things that you say
And I hate the games that you want to play.
No matter how frightfully hard you try,
We've little in common, you and I.
The interest I take in my neighbor's nursery
Would have to grow, to be even cursory,
And I would that performing sons and nephews
Were carted away with the daily refuse,
And I hold that frolicsome daughters and nieces
Are ample excuse for breaking leases.
You may take a sock at your daddy's tummy
Or climb all over your doting mummy,
But keep your attentions to me in check,
Or, sonny boy, I will wring your neck.
A happier man today I'd be
Had someone wrung it ahead of me.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
"not a man's toy"
every now and then, i like to remember my namesake.
"that's me" -- abba
also, see my old post, "origins: the birth of abbagirl," for an understanding of why i chose the name.
yeah, it's been a rather slow day. have no updates or any interesting news to share. alas! that's the life of an unemployed person. :-T
hopefully tomorrow brings more excitement. ;)
"that's me" -- abba
also, see my old post, "origins: the birth of abbagirl," for an understanding of why i chose the name.
yeah, it's been a rather slow day. have no updates or any interesting news to share. alas! that's the life of an unemployed person. :-T
hopefully tomorrow brings more excitement. ;)
new addiction
just as i had suspected at the end of last week, two more job offers came in today.
tentative job offers. but job offers all the same
the japanese guy with whom i interviewed last week was quite cool when i told him i'd accepted another job offer. in fact, we ended up talking on the phone for about 40 minutes, and he gave me really awesome feedback about my interview and application. we talked about everything, from my "over-educated" background to that excel test i took (he said i did just fine on it). talking with him has made me wonder if i've done the right thing in accepting that other job -- because while the other job does promise to be a little higher profile, it's possible that i have just said no to the opportunity to work with really nice people and in a really laid-back atmosphere.
in a way, i do consider it a shame. i've never really worked with or for genuinely nice people before!
but at the same time, i'm still looking forward to starting the job that i actually did accept.
the one thing that the guy highlighted that he liked about me was my personality. he said i would've made a good addition to the team because of that.
i think that's the highest compliment i could ever receive. :)
after i finished speaking with him, i got another phone call, this time from the woman who interviewed me, alongside the hispanic older man. she put forth a tentative job offer to me, just as i knew would happen :-), but wuss that i am, instead of saying i already accepted another job offer, i haltingly stuttered in response that "yes, i, uh, am interested."
i don't know what's wrong with me. i know these people aren't personally invested in their offers to me of jobs. and yet i cannot help but make it personal. i just do not know how to say "no," period! it is frustrating to me to know i don't have a spine! but i will call her again early tomorrow morning to let her know. i just need to prepare myself and rehearse what i'll say first.
anyhow, in regards to that job i did accept, there are still a couple of preliminary things i need to do before i can officially start: livescan fingerprinting (check -- got it done today) and a TB test.
i just hate needles. but i'll have to go to the clinic tomorrow to get it done. :-P hopefully, i can start work within the next couple of weeks!
but can i say how great it feels to be wanted for once? to be wanted for not only my qualifications (like, i have qualifications??) but also for my personality?? good hell!! it's really great to see how quickly one's fortunes can turn -- going from pretty bad to pretty good -- within just a few weeks. it's just amazing to think about it.
a lot of cynics today like to say that the american dream is dead. i'm quite a cynic myself -- but when it comes to the american dream, that so-called myth, i do believe it's alive and well. i only need to look at how far i've come, how far my family's come, to know that good things do come to people who want to achieve them. it's easy to lose sight of the big picture when you're swallowed up in the oppressiveness of the here-and-now, particularly when things ain't goin' so hot. thus, it's always good to be jolted out of your own self-imposed reality and view things and yourself from another's perspective. that's what glenn, the japanese guy, did for me today.
i don't know how it is, but i always end up making immediate friends out of the most random people. and even if i never see or hear from them again, after that one moment in time when we connect and something valuable and monumental is exchanged, i'm never the same.
and when exchanges such as the one i had with glenn today happen to me, what i realize is that the real world is much kinder to me than i give it or myself credit for. i endure the most cruelty, not at the hands of other people per se, but from the torturous thoughts of my own overly worried mind.
:-T
anyway. but enough of this pollyanna, good-two-shoes, mushy bull-shit.
on to a more important issue that i must address:
i am now a convert. i am now officially addicted to dancing with the stars.
over the past few seasons, i think i'd watched the show for a few minutes at a time intermittently. i was just never really interested in it.
but over the weekend, out of sheer boredom, i happened to watch the first two episodes of the show in their entirety online. . . .
. . . and now i'm hooked.
i already have favorites contestants. they are:
number 1: steve and anna
steve guttenberg is such a nice guy! i thought he was cheesy for the first thirty seconds he opened his mouth during the first episode -- but now i'm kinda smitten with him. i've always loved him -- from police academy (parts one, two, and four!!!) to three men and a baby (but not a little lady) to short circuit. and to see that he's really just a nice guy in real life takes the cake! i love him!
number 2: priscilla and louis
sure, she can barely move her face -- but she's totally kicking ass in the competition already and showing that she's not as fragile as everyone originally thought she is. but when i see her, i'm always reminded of the naked gun movies. those movies are the best comedy ever!
number 3: marlee and fabian
marlee matlin is gorgeous! and i'm just so amazed at her timing and how she's able to stay with the beat and in sync with her partner, despite being profoundly deaf. she rocks!
and then there are the really annoying people: adam corolla, penn gilette, and marissa jaret winokur.
i think they put out great effort into learning how to dance and throwing themselves into it. especially snarky adam corolla! i'm impressed with how seriously he's taking it!
but if i could tell each of them one thing, it would be to zip it and to shut it up. they talk way too much much! i wanna bop them on the head when they start jawin', getting overly effusive or in cracking stupid jokes. in fact, i yelled "s.t.f.u.!!" at the t.v. no less than three times because of them tonight! and i usually don't yell at the t.v. -- well, except when i'm watching lost.
but take a wild guess as to how i'll spend my evening tomorrow night.
uh-huh. camped out in front of the telly, hoping at least one of my annoying three will be eliminated.
it's nice not having anything to do, like study for the bar or something. :)
tentative job offers. but job offers all the same
the japanese guy with whom i interviewed last week was quite cool when i told him i'd accepted another job offer. in fact, we ended up talking on the phone for about 40 minutes, and he gave me really awesome feedback about my interview and application. we talked about everything, from my "over-educated" background to that excel test i took (he said i did just fine on it). talking with him has made me wonder if i've done the right thing in accepting that other job -- because while the other job does promise to be a little higher profile, it's possible that i have just said no to the opportunity to work with really nice people and in a really laid-back atmosphere.
in a way, i do consider it a shame. i've never really worked with or for genuinely nice people before!
but at the same time, i'm still looking forward to starting the job that i actually did accept.
the one thing that the guy highlighted that he liked about me was my personality. he said i would've made a good addition to the team because of that.
i think that's the highest compliment i could ever receive. :)
after i finished speaking with him, i got another phone call, this time from the woman who interviewed me, alongside the hispanic older man. she put forth a tentative job offer to me, just as i knew would happen :-), but wuss that i am, instead of saying i already accepted another job offer, i haltingly stuttered in response that "yes, i, uh, am interested."
i don't know what's wrong with me. i know these people aren't personally invested in their offers to me of jobs. and yet i cannot help but make it personal. i just do not know how to say "no," period! it is frustrating to me to know i don't have a spine! but i will call her again early tomorrow morning to let her know. i just need to prepare myself and rehearse what i'll say first.
anyhow, in regards to that job i did accept, there are still a couple of preliminary things i need to do before i can officially start: livescan fingerprinting (check -- got it done today) and a TB test.
i just hate needles. but i'll have to go to the clinic tomorrow to get it done. :-P hopefully, i can start work within the next couple of weeks!
but can i say how great it feels to be wanted for once? to be wanted for not only my qualifications (like, i have qualifications??) but also for my personality?? good hell!! it's really great to see how quickly one's fortunes can turn -- going from pretty bad to pretty good -- within just a few weeks. it's just amazing to think about it.
a lot of cynics today like to say that the american dream is dead. i'm quite a cynic myself -- but when it comes to the american dream, that so-called myth, i do believe it's alive and well. i only need to look at how far i've come, how far my family's come, to know that good things do come to people who want to achieve them. it's easy to lose sight of the big picture when you're swallowed up in the oppressiveness of the here-and-now, particularly when things ain't goin' so hot. thus, it's always good to be jolted out of your own self-imposed reality and view things and yourself from another's perspective. that's what glenn, the japanese guy, did for me today.
i don't know how it is, but i always end up making immediate friends out of the most random people. and even if i never see or hear from them again, after that one moment in time when we connect and something valuable and monumental is exchanged, i'm never the same.
and when exchanges such as the one i had with glenn today happen to me, what i realize is that the real world is much kinder to me than i give it or myself credit for. i endure the most cruelty, not at the hands of other people per se, but from the torturous thoughts of my own overly worried mind.
:-T
anyway. but enough of this pollyanna, good-two-shoes, mushy bull-shit.
on to a more important issue that i must address:
i am now a convert. i am now officially addicted to dancing with the stars.
over the past few seasons, i think i'd watched the show for a few minutes at a time intermittently. i was just never really interested in it.
but over the weekend, out of sheer boredom, i happened to watch the first two episodes of the show in their entirety online. . . .
. . . and now i'm hooked.
i already have favorites contestants. they are:
number 1: steve and anna
steve guttenberg is such a nice guy! i thought he was cheesy for the first thirty seconds he opened his mouth during the first episode -- but now i'm kinda smitten with him. i've always loved him -- from police academy (parts one, two, and four!!!) to three men and a baby (but not a little lady) to short circuit. and to see that he's really just a nice guy in real life takes the cake! i love him!
number 2: priscilla and louis
sure, she can barely move her face -- but she's totally kicking ass in the competition already and showing that she's not as fragile as everyone originally thought she is. but when i see her, i'm always reminded of the naked gun movies. those movies are the best comedy ever!
number 3: marlee and fabian
marlee matlin is gorgeous! and i'm just so amazed at her timing and how she's able to stay with the beat and in sync with her partner, despite being profoundly deaf. she rocks!
and then there are the really annoying people: adam corolla, penn gilette, and marissa jaret winokur.
i think they put out great effort into learning how to dance and throwing themselves into it. especially snarky adam corolla! i'm impressed with how seriously he's taking it!
but if i could tell each of them one thing, it would be to zip it and to shut it up. they talk way too much much! i wanna bop them on the head when they start jawin', getting overly effusive or in cracking stupid jokes. in fact, i yelled "s.t.f.u.!!" at the t.v. no less than three times because of them tonight! and i usually don't yell at the t.v. -- well, except when i'm watching lost.
but take a wild guess as to how i'll spend my evening tomorrow night.
uh-huh. camped out in front of the telly, hoping at least one of my annoying three will be eliminated.
it's nice not having anything to do, like study for the bar or something. :)
Sunday, March 23, 2008
muse
my new favorite band.
guitarist/vocalist: matthew bellamy
bassist: chris wolstenholme
drummer: dominic howard
their music defies categorization and is simultaneously haunting, mesmerizing, hopeful, transcendental, and pensive.
i'm lovin' it!
guitarist/vocalist: matthew bellamy
bassist: chris wolstenholme
drummer: dominic howard
their music defies categorization and is simultaneously haunting, mesmerizing, hopeful, transcendental, and pensive.
i'm lovin' it!
Saturday, March 22, 2008
when it rains . . .
there are now two other offices interested in hiring me.
got a call this afternoon from the japanese guy who interviewed me earlier this week; he wants me to come in to meet the bureau chief.
i didn't have the heart to tell him that i had already accepted another job offer.
yeah, i'm a chicken shit like that.
good hell -- why can't i just learn to say "no" to people!!!
so i'm going to go ahead and meet the bureau chief on tuesday.
like, what could it hurt to go meet the bureau chief anyhow?
:-P
and then another place that i interviewed with last week is finally calling my references. i had done a pretty lame interview with them -- at least in my opinion -- and so was pretty surprised to hear that they began calling my references, which is a pretty good signal that i'll be getting a call soon from them.
their applicant pool must be really bad if they're calling me!
that particular interview had just been rather ho-hum. it was obvious to me that they were looking for someone who could do budgeting. obviously, i'm not a budgets person!! but nonetheless our exchanges were pretty pleasant, and i thought we all got on pretty well.
the interviewers were an older, short, and slim hispanic man and a taller younger brunette woman. like, she was basketball-player tall. i would guess her age to be about early thirties, and she wore no make-up. i didn't like her clothes, but i thought she was very pretty.
now call me an incorrigible lezzie, call me an unrepentant flirt -- but seeing how, at the time of that interview, i had grown quite desperate about my state of unemployment . . . .
yeah, i resorted to charming her.
there would be lulls during the interview after i had finished speaking, and the interviewers would still be jotting notes about my answers into their notepads. i would begin feeling sheepishly uncomfortable about the silence. and you know how it is when you're in interviews -- you always feel like you should fill in any silences that occur. but i would make a concerted effort to bite my tongue and try not to engage in nervous dialogue, merely letting them finish writing.
the other woman would glance up at me every so often as she wrote on her notepad, and each time, i'd catch her eye and smile at her.
now, i'm a monkey -- as in born in the year of. and i live up to it -- monkeys are mischievous, manipulative, and clever. each of these traits show up strongly in my behavior every now and then. i can be pretty mischievous. i've resorted to manipulation to, uh, influence results before. and although i won't call myself clever by any means, i will say that, when i have to, i do know how to get my way using whatever limited tools i've got at my disposal, even if it means duping others.
but really, i swear i'm not always manipulative. and even if i am, it's usually for a good cause!!
further, for me, one of the rules of interviewing is that, if you already know you don't have the qualifications for a particular job but are desperate, you resort to exploiting your personality and charm.
so when i smiled at her, i knew what i was doing. i was getting her to like me. i have an infectious smile, and i know how to use it. and as soon as the interviewer saw me smiling patiently and expectantly at her, she would bite her lip to keep from grinning and look back down at her notepad. each time, it happened without the other interviewer noticing a thing.
as a result, if i get a call and a job offer next week from that particular office, i'm sure that it's because she saw me as likeable and put in a good word for me, enough to push me over onto the list of desirable candidates. :)
i do not think i will go back on my word and renege on my acceptance of the position under number 4. my interest in the stuff that i'll be working on has been piqued, and i feel that i'll be challenged -- plus i cannot ignore the fact that i recognize that my own self-interests will be helped. i'll be exposed to lots of high-level peeps -- and that's why the idea of making a career out of the position is quite seductive to me. i have looked at the plans they want me to manage -- and fuck me, they're each a gazillion pages long! so the job will be pretty intricate. but i'm still committed to it unless there's a compelling reason to otherwise renege.
i will just see what those other places have to say, just so that i know what's out there.
but really, it's like jobs are now virtually falling out of the sky! dude! i could've used the inundation, like, last month!!
got a call this afternoon from the japanese guy who interviewed me earlier this week; he wants me to come in to meet the bureau chief.
i didn't have the heart to tell him that i had already accepted another job offer.
yeah, i'm a chicken shit like that.
good hell -- why can't i just learn to say "no" to people!!!
so i'm going to go ahead and meet the bureau chief on tuesday.
like, what could it hurt to go meet the bureau chief anyhow?
:-P
and then another place that i interviewed with last week is finally calling my references. i had done a pretty lame interview with them -- at least in my opinion -- and so was pretty surprised to hear that they began calling my references, which is a pretty good signal that i'll be getting a call soon from them.
their applicant pool must be really bad if they're calling me!
that particular interview had just been rather ho-hum. it was obvious to me that they were looking for someone who could do budgeting. obviously, i'm not a budgets person!! but nonetheless our exchanges were pretty pleasant, and i thought we all got on pretty well.
the interviewers were an older, short, and slim hispanic man and a taller younger brunette woman. like, she was basketball-player tall. i would guess her age to be about early thirties, and she wore no make-up. i didn't like her clothes, but i thought she was very pretty.
now call me an incorrigible lezzie, call me an unrepentant flirt -- but seeing how, at the time of that interview, i had grown quite desperate about my state of unemployment . . . .
yeah, i resorted to charming her.
there would be lulls during the interview after i had finished speaking, and the interviewers would still be jotting notes about my answers into their notepads. i would begin feeling sheepishly uncomfortable about the silence. and you know how it is when you're in interviews -- you always feel like you should fill in any silences that occur. but i would make a concerted effort to bite my tongue and try not to engage in nervous dialogue, merely letting them finish writing.
the other woman would glance up at me every so often as she wrote on her notepad, and each time, i'd catch her eye and smile at her.
now, i'm a monkey -- as in born in the year of. and i live up to it -- monkeys are mischievous, manipulative, and clever. each of these traits show up strongly in my behavior every now and then. i can be pretty mischievous. i've resorted to manipulation to, uh, influence results before. and although i won't call myself clever by any means, i will say that, when i have to, i do know how to get my way using whatever limited tools i've got at my disposal, even if it means duping others.
but really, i swear i'm not always manipulative. and even if i am, it's usually for a good cause!!
further, for me, one of the rules of interviewing is that, if you already know you don't have the qualifications for a particular job but are desperate, you resort to exploiting your personality and charm.
so when i smiled at her, i knew what i was doing. i was getting her to like me. i have an infectious smile, and i know how to use it. and as soon as the interviewer saw me smiling patiently and expectantly at her, she would bite her lip to keep from grinning and look back down at her notepad. each time, it happened without the other interviewer noticing a thing.
as a result, if i get a call and a job offer next week from that particular office, i'm sure that it's because she saw me as likeable and put in a good word for me, enough to push me over onto the list of desirable candidates. :)
i do not think i will go back on my word and renege on my acceptance of the position under number 4. my interest in the stuff that i'll be working on has been piqued, and i feel that i'll be challenged -- plus i cannot ignore the fact that i recognize that my own self-interests will be helped. i'll be exposed to lots of high-level peeps -- and that's why the idea of making a career out of the position is quite seductive to me. i have looked at the plans they want me to manage -- and fuck me, they're each a gazillion pages long! so the job will be pretty intricate. but i'm still committed to it unless there's a compelling reason to otherwise renege.
i will just see what those other places have to say, just so that i know what's out there.
but really, it's like jobs are now virtually falling out of the sky! dude! i could've used the inundation, like, last month!!
Thursday, March 20, 2008
job search, concluded
update
i'm so glad the decision finally came down today!
my mom's so ecstatic about me landing this job. i think she wants me to make a career out of it -- but we'll see.
anyhow, here's how it went down:
i called my interviewer at about 1:30 p.m. she picked up on the fourth ring.
"can i call you back?" she asked, after i identified myself. "we're meeting about you right now!"
i hastily assented and joked, before we said goodbyes, "put in a good word for me!"
about 90 minutes later, she called me back, and she formally asked me, "would you be interested in the position?"
"yes!" i said, even though i wasn't sure whether she was referring to the position that was under her or the position under number 4.
two sentences later, she said, "the meeting today went really well. number 4 was really impressed with you the other day and so was so-and-so!" and she described the position a little more specifically. "we'll be putting you to work writing speeches and other public materials, and of course, i will be around to help you whenever you need it!"
can you believe?! i'll be a speech-writer!
*imagine my eyes all a-gog*
do you think i'll be able to insert words like "dude," "no way!", "totally!", and "whatev!" into the speeches??
;-D
i'm also to oversee a number of projects. apparently, the particular office has been involved in some litigation, over the course of which a number of projects/plans have been thrown at the office to implement. my job would be to synthesize the projects and plans into one major plan, because apparently there is some overlap, and also ensure that everyone involved in the plan gets their shit done in a timely manner. as the person overseeing it all, i'm also the contact person who'll be called upon for accountability and to report progress.
and then i'll also be helping on the public relations side of things.
in any event, it'll be mostly researching, writing, and managing.
i do hope i'm up for the task!!
these people, like, really wanted me to come on board. my contact person assured me that they wanted someone "of [my] quality." i feel touched and honored -- and just hope i don't let them down.
and like i say, if i do find myself enjoying the job, i may postpone grad school. . . . but i was thinking about that today, while i was gardening, and thinking how difficult that kind of decision would be to make -- even if i did end up enjoying the job.
i can see myself deciding to work for the next year or so because it would make my mom happy. i know it is a relief for her when i am working and am not floundering around financially.
also, back when i was working at a real job, i always made it a priority to give her money. usually, it would be between $ 500 and $ 800 each month, depending on how steep my bills were that month. but i didn't realize how helpful she found that extra bit of cash to be until recently -- and now i feel badly about not having been able to help her out as much as i used to this past year.
now, i feel it important to mention that my mom has never told me that i had to give her money. in fact, whenever i did give her money, we would always tussle over it. "it's too much!" she'd protest. "take it back -- you need it more than me!" but i would refuse to take it back, and she would take the money reluctantly.
i want to be able to give her money again -- not because i feel i have to per se but because i feel that she has given me so much of herself over the years, sacrificing her comfort and her own happiness, for my benefit. i feel the least i can do is fork money over to her when i can.
i just love my momma. and it just makes me feel good when i can do that. i also want to be the one who, as my parents gets older, takes care of them -- not only because of loyalty and filial piety, but also just because it feels right.
i know it's a strange dichotomy: i'm a selfish, judgmental bitch, for the most part . . . .
but . . . i'm also a good daughter.
;)
job search, pt. 3
dude. so i did not get the call this afternoon that i'd expected.
instead, i was awakened at about 8 a.m. this morning by the singing of my cell phone (i've got avenged sevenfold's "bat country" as the ringer :-T). i let it go to voice mail since i was in absolutely noo condition to exchange morning pleasantries at the time, and when i listened to ithe message later, i found the message to be from the executive assistant of the office that wanted to hire me. i was told that i should expect a call later that afternoon.
oo-kay. so i hung around, waiting for the call to come. if the call came, then i would cancel another interview appointment that i had set up for today; if the call didn't come, i would proceed with that other interview.
well, i didn't hear back from that office. and so i headed downtown for yet another interview. my fifth? my sixth? i don't know anymore; i've lost count. :-P
but i'm seriously on a roll now -- today's interviewers totally loved me!
for the first time ever, i was interviewed by two men -- one a youthful-looking japanese-american guy and the other an older, portly, tall hispanic man.
i've decided that i really like being interviewed solely by men. :) they were won over by my personality. and i have to say that i did milk it a bit by smiling a lot at them. so by the end of it, yup, i could tell they liked me.
there were some odd moments, though. like, there was this one question that they asked me about my ability to get along with even crusty, ill-mannered people. i had originally answered quite honestly that i get along with everyone. and i totally do! but they totally pushed it -- in a light-hearted manner, of course -- but it still leads me to believe that there might be crusty people who work in that office and they wanted to gauge my ability to either diffuse situations or not get caught up in that kind of office drama.
how i finally resolved the question to them was like this:
even if i was around a crusty, mean, or ill-mannered person, i don't let that sort of thing get me down. usually when a person acts in a negative way, it's probably for the sake of getting attention and also because of a desire to be heard. so in such a case, i listen to the person and, instead of going down to that person's level, i engage with him/her and bring him up to my level.
cheesy answer i know. but they liked it. LOL and the hispanic man said, "i'm sure your bubbly personality would work to defuse any situation."
i have never in my life been accused of having a bubbly personality. it made me laugh.
i wanted to say, "dude! bubbly personality my butt! i'm a total bitch and don't you forget it!"
and then there was another odd moment when the younger japanese-american guy asked me about my education -- and by this time, i've learned to expect that kind of question. his question was, "why? with the education you have, why this job?"
and what's a girl to do but be honest?
i told him pretty matter-of-factly that i'd make more money in that position than i would doing anything else at this point. i told him that i'm not a full-fledged attorney because i haven't passed the bar and that it's pretty expensive taking the bar and that i do have bills to pay. and i told him that my education has been more of a handicap to me than anything else lately. he seemed to understand and appeared to be satisfied with my answer.
oh, i should mention that there was an exam, too -- before the interview.
OMG. it was the most stressful pre-interview exam i've had up to this point!
it required me to use . . . .
microsoft excel.
O_O
basically, for the exam, i was ushered into an unused computer workstation in the office where an excel spreadsheet was already open on the computer screen. i was given the test situation on a sheet of paper in front of me:
a total amount of $ xxx,xxx was given to Entity A as part of its budget request, and Entity A apportioned this money out to six programs that it administers at certain percentages. then, for each of the amounts doled out to the programs, there was yet another set of percentages dictating how that money given to each of the programs that should be allocated for federal, state, and local purposes.
i know -- like, huh?!
ugh! don't even ask me. i've no idea. i sat stupefied for about a good 2 minutes, reading and re-reading the sheet of paper in front of me and then at the spreadsheet on the monitor. the spreadsheet already contained three tables pre-formed for me, and they were only half-filled with data. my task: complete the tables and determine the correct amount to be allocated to each program using excel's formula function.
good hell!!
and the reason why there were three tables on the screen instead of one was because after you determined the original values and allocated all the money based on the given percentages, there followed two other questions that required you to alter the data -- decrease total budget by 10%, increase the hourly rate by 10%, something like that -- which of course would affect all the other values that were in the original calculations.
what the --! holy fuck!!!
i did it, though. i hauled ass and finished the tables with about 6 minutes to spare, but i felt a bit desperate and frenetic whilst doing so but also felt like wryly laughing out loud to myself. i did use the formula function, and i think i cheated in some ways. but ugh! i got it done.
i'm so glad i used to be an auditor, though. i never, ever thought i'd say that. but it's probably the only reason i was able to pull crap out of my butt for that damned excel exam.
i later learned from my interviewers that some applicants have actually left the interview when they saw that they were required to, like, do math and be familiar with microsoft excel. :-T
anyhow, after i left that interview, i felt really good about it.
and i didn't hear back from that other place that had been interested in hiring me at all . . . .
. . . until 9 p.m.
yes, i was called, after business hours, at 9 p.m.
i didn't actually hear my phone so didn't know that the lady had called me -- but in her voice message, she apologized for not getting back to me and repeated that she wanted to hire me. she's still waiting on number 4 for his decision, but she hoped that i had not taken employment elsewhere yet.
LOL ugh. what a whirlwind. seriously. i think i'm done with interviews. i'd rather not do anymore. they just take so much out of you! you really have to be on your toes and alert, and there's also a bit of adrenaline pumping through your veins. so when it's finally over, it just ends up leaving me quite limp.
and yet i cannot stop now -- not when i've yet to have a firm job offer.
all i know is that i have to work a.s.a.p. i hadn't counted on such a long delay between the end of the bar exam and being able to start working. if i start working in april, which looks to be the case, i'll be hit pretty hard and be even more strapped for cash. the idea of not being able to see a first paycheck until may?? omg. it really makes me fret.
ay de mi. ah well.
things will work out. they always do.
if not, i can always go the ashley alexandra dupre route and get a pimp to get me some business.
;-T
instead, i was awakened at about 8 a.m. this morning by the singing of my cell phone (i've got avenged sevenfold's "bat country" as the ringer :-T). i let it go to voice mail since i was in absolutely noo condition to exchange morning pleasantries at the time, and when i listened to ithe message later, i found the message to be from the executive assistant of the office that wanted to hire me. i was told that i should expect a call later that afternoon.
oo-kay. so i hung around, waiting for the call to come. if the call came, then i would cancel another interview appointment that i had set up for today; if the call didn't come, i would proceed with that other interview.
well, i didn't hear back from that office. and so i headed downtown for yet another interview. my fifth? my sixth? i don't know anymore; i've lost count. :-P
but i'm seriously on a roll now -- today's interviewers totally loved me!
for the first time ever, i was interviewed by two men -- one a youthful-looking japanese-american guy and the other an older, portly, tall hispanic man.
i've decided that i really like being interviewed solely by men. :) they were won over by my personality. and i have to say that i did milk it a bit by smiling a lot at them. so by the end of it, yup, i could tell they liked me.
there were some odd moments, though. like, there was this one question that they asked me about my ability to get along with even crusty, ill-mannered people. i had originally answered quite honestly that i get along with everyone. and i totally do! but they totally pushed it -- in a light-hearted manner, of course -- but it still leads me to believe that there might be crusty people who work in that office and they wanted to gauge my ability to either diffuse situations or not get caught up in that kind of office drama.
how i finally resolved the question to them was like this:
even if i was around a crusty, mean, or ill-mannered person, i don't let that sort of thing get me down. usually when a person acts in a negative way, it's probably for the sake of getting attention and also because of a desire to be heard. so in such a case, i listen to the person and, instead of going down to that person's level, i engage with him/her and bring him up to my level.
cheesy answer i know. but they liked it. LOL and the hispanic man said, "i'm sure your bubbly personality would work to defuse any situation."
i have never in my life been accused of having a bubbly personality. it made me laugh.
i wanted to say, "dude! bubbly personality my butt! i'm a total bitch and don't you forget it!"
and then there was another odd moment when the younger japanese-american guy asked me about my education -- and by this time, i've learned to expect that kind of question. his question was, "why? with the education you have, why this job?"
and what's a girl to do but be honest?
i told him pretty matter-of-factly that i'd make more money in that position than i would doing anything else at this point. i told him that i'm not a full-fledged attorney because i haven't passed the bar and that it's pretty expensive taking the bar and that i do have bills to pay. and i told him that my education has been more of a handicap to me than anything else lately. he seemed to understand and appeared to be satisfied with my answer.
oh, i should mention that there was an exam, too -- before the interview.
OMG. it was the most stressful pre-interview exam i've had up to this point!
it required me to use . . . .
microsoft excel.
O_O
basically, for the exam, i was ushered into an unused computer workstation in the office where an excel spreadsheet was already open on the computer screen. i was given the test situation on a sheet of paper in front of me:
a total amount of $ xxx,xxx was given to Entity A as part of its budget request, and Entity A apportioned this money out to six programs that it administers at certain percentages. then, for each of the amounts doled out to the programs, there was yet another set of percentages dictating how that money given to each of the programs that should be allocated for federal, state, and local purposes.
i know -- like, huh?!
ugh! don't even ask me. i've no idea. i sat stupefied for about a good 2 minutes, reading and re-reading the sheet of paper in front of me and then at the spreadsheet on the monitor. the spreadsheet already contained three tables pre-formed for me, and they were only half-filled with data. my task: complete the tables and determine the correct amount to be allocated to each program using excel's formula function.
good hell!!
and the reason why there were three tables on the screen instead of one was because after you determined the original values and allocated all the money based on the given percentages, there followed two other questions that required you to alter the data -- decrease total budget by 10%, increase the hourly rate by 10%, something like that -- which of course would affect all the other values that were in the original calculations.
what the --! holy fuck!!!
i did it, though. i hauled ass and finished the tables with about 6 minutes to spare, but i felt a bit desperate and frenetic whilst doing so but also felt like wryly laughing out loud to myself. i did use the formula function, and i think i cheated in some ways. but ugh! i got it done.
i'm so glad i used to be an auditor, though. i never, ever thought i'd say that. but it's probably the only reason i was able to pull crap out of my butt for that damned excel exam.
i later learned from my interviewers that some applicants have actually left the interview when they saw that they were required to, like, do math and be familiar with microsoft excel. :-T
anyhow, after i left that interview, i felt really good about it.
and i didn't hear back from that other place that had been interested in hiring me at all . . . .
. . . until 9 p.m.
yes, i was called, after business hours, at 9 p.m.
i didn't actually hear my phone so didn't know that the lady had called me -- but in her voice message, she apologized for not getting back to me and repeated that she wanted to hire me. she's still waiting on number 4 for his decision, but she hoped that i had not taken employment elsewhere yet.
LOL ugh. what a whirlwind. seriously. i think i'm done with interviews. i'd rather not do anymore. they just take so much out of you! you really have to be on your toes and alert, and there's also a bit of adrenaline pumping through your veins. so when it's finally over, it just ends up leaving me quite limp.
and yet i cannot stop now -- not when i've yet to have a firm job offer.
all i know is that i have to work a.s.a.p. i hadn't counted on such a long delay between the end of the bar exam and being able to start working. if i start working in april, which looks to be the case, i'll be hit pretty hard and be even more strapped for cash. the idea of not being able to see a first paycheck until may?? omg. it really makes me fret.
ay de mi. ah well.
things will work out. they always do.
if not, i can always go the ashley alexandra dupre route and get a pimp to get me some business.
;-T
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
recent good turn of events
what do you do when someone you care about abruptly stops talking to you and you think the person's mad at you but you don't really know for sure?
seriously -- what do you do??
worrying about that has put a bit of a damper on my enthusiasm for the good news that i've had recently. i absolutely hate having people mad at me! it's the sort of thing that i can dwell on and worry about for days. :-P but i'm especially worried about this particular person because i really care a lot about her and what she thinks about me. so it's even more troubling to me to think that she might be mad at me. . . .
*sigh*
anyhow, my good news. i've told only three people my news thus far, and they are quite happy and excited for me. it's really great to have good stuff happen, because now i feel, more than ever, that no matter what happens, i can forge ahead with my head held up high, choose my destiny, and see how things unfold.
my first set of good news is that i'm about to get a job offer.
technically, a job hasn't been offered to me yet. but off the record, i've been assured of it.
it was really interesting how it all unfolded.
so last week i had three interviews: one scheduled on monday, and two scheduled on wednesday.
monday's interview was okay, and i knew, even during the interview, that it wouldn't lead to anything.
the first interview on wednesday went better -- but i got the same impression, didn't think i'd get an offer.
then the second interview on wednesday came along, and for some reason, i somehow came alive. maybe it's because of desperation or frustration -- but either way, i knew i had to make something happen and leave a lasting impression. it is inexplicable to me why i instinctively turned myself on for that particular interview instead of any of the others that i'd had before -- but i'd equate it with the primal instinct that carnivorous animals living in the wild have as they hunt prey in order to survive: i just knew that i could go in for the kill and that i should because my very life depended on it, and so i did. and it was a good interview all around.
before i sat down with the interviewers, though, i should mention that they had me do a quick 15-minute (yes -- only 15!) writing test. i was given a really open-ended question which surprised me and that kinda stumped me at first: "describe what leadership is."
i'm just used to being thrown more-complicated questions than that. :-T
after thinking for about the question for about ten seconds, i changed the question a bit to be, "describe what qualities a good leader has" and proceeded to write from there. i typed out an answer that was just over a page, single-spaced -- and just hoped for the best.
then i got a chance to sit with the interviewers for about 30-40 minutes. i was their last interview for the day. they gave me standard questions that they give to all interviewees. i answered them using specific examples. i was personable. and i thought i did a pretty good job overall.
i heard back from the office two days later on friday, and we arranged for an appointment for me to stop by that office on monday for a "meeting." i was pretty bemused by that, to tell the truth. like, did they mean a "second interview"? or, like, an actual meeting? i spent parts of the weekend wondering about that and calling up various persons i know who work for the state to see if they could shed light on the matter for me. but they were just as bemused as i was.
to make a long story short, it was actually a meeting and a second interview, and i didn't find this out until things were well underway. basically, my interview on wednesday went well enough that the office does want to hire me. but the thing is that the head of that particular office -- who is number 4 in the entire hierarchy of the whole organization, which has personnel all over the state and employs just over 63,000 employees -- happened to get a gander at my resume, heard the interviewers say good things about my interview, and wanted to meet me. apparently, he is interested in creating a specific position within his own executive office that could use a particular skill-set that he thought i might have.
for someone who wanted to meet me, though, he didn't stay very long. i saw him for, like, 30 seconds before he had to dash off. but he had his next-in-command, a brusque, older blond woman conduct the interview with me, with one of my original interviewers from last week sitting in as well.
i totally don't know for sure how i did during that particular interview, but i'm feeling kind of confident about it. and i was really surprised when they started lauding that damned answer i typed out as part of the writing test; they were pretty impressed by both the amount of writing i got done and the content -- despite the fact that i virtually pulled the answer right out of my ass. :-P i was also given more information as to what this other position entailed; basically, it is a pretty sensitive position as a program manager overseeing a number of different projects.
after the meeting was over, my original interviewer took me back to her office to tell me that she thought i did great. she said that, no matter what, she wanted me to come work there and that she'd totally prefer for me to work for her doing legislative stuff -- but that if the opportunity to work for number 4 did come about, i should pounce on it. in fact, she said i should consider it an honor since most of the people in the office, even those who may have been there for ten, twenty years, have never had a chance to meet with number 4, let alone step into his office. but she also reassured me that, if i didn't work for number 4, i would still most def be offered the job for which i was originally considered. and then she made me promise not to consider any other job offers that might come along for the next 48 hours. in my mind, i rolled my eyes and was all, "what other job offers?" but outwardly i assured her that i would do no such thing within that window of time.
whew!
so the job is pretty much in the bag. and it is a huge weight off my mind.
the second bit of good news has me even more excited.
what could be more exciting than impressing a number 4 and having a pending job offer?
i'll tell you what's more exciting:
dreams coming true.
opportunities presenting themselves.
the doorway to the future that you've always wanted and envisaged for yourself finally opening up.
i got my first acceptance to a ph.d program.
O_O
i was so shocked, then completely elated when i got the letter in the mail.
did i shriek?
uh-huh. yes.
it is not my number one choice, per se. but to actually get accepted into a program somewhere, anywhere, just makes me feel pretty happy.
it does complicate things, though, because now, i officially do have a decision to make. if the situation was different, i'd jump at the chance to go back to grad school and start working on my ph.d.
but i've been poor for one year already and would also like to take some time to start earning money again and developing a nice cushion of savings for myself.
so that's the decision i'll have to think about during the spring season. i think if i find that i love the job i'm doing, i'll postpone grad school for at least another year; otherwise . . . i'll head for school in the fall.
choices. open doors. possibilities.
fuck me, but it's nice!
the major lesson i'm taking from this is that i will never be stagnant in life or have any reason to despair so long as i'm active in creating choices for myself. i let myself be distracted by the bar for so long that my life virtually came to a standstill. not only that, but it affected my psyche as well in not-very-good ways. but the more you put yourself out there, the more you increase your chances for success -- and seriously, it's given me a much-needed ego boost.
so i'm happy right now. the year of the rat is supposed to be my good year -- and i'm glad to see that it really is. :) hopefully the rest of the year will bring me even better luck! seriously, the only thing that could top this would be finding out i passed the bar exam . . . .
but it's another two-month wait for that. . . . and trust me, i'm more than happy to not think about that!
*sigh* but on to the important, dire matter at hand: if only i can do something about that person who i think is mad at me --!!
seriously -- what do you do??
worrying about that has put a bit of a damper on my enthusiasm for the good news that i've had recently. i absolutely hate having people mad at me! it's the sort of thing that i can dwell on and worry about for days. :-P but i'm especially worried about this particular person because i really care a lot about her and what she thinks about me. so it's even more troubling to me to think that she might be mad at me. . . .
*sigh*
anyhow, my good news. i've told only three people my news thus far, and they are quite happy and excited for me. it's really great to have good stuff happen, because now i feel, more than ever, that no matter what happens, i can forge ahead with my head held up high, choose my destiny, and see how things unfold.
my first set of good news is that i'm about to get a job offer.
technically, a job hasn't been offered to me yet. but off the record, i've been assured of it.
it was really interesting how it all unfolded.
so last week i had three interviews: one scheduled on monday, and two scheduled on wednesday.
monday's interview was okay, and i knew, even during the interview, that it wouldn't lead to anything.
the first interview on wednesday went better -- but i got the same impression, didn't think i'd get an offer.
then the second interview on wednesday came along, and for some reason, i somehow came alive. maybe it's because of desperation or frustration -- but either way, i knew i had to make something happen and leave a lasting impression. it is inexplicable to me why i instinctively turned myself on for that particular interview instead of any of the others that i'd had before -- but i'd equate it with the primal instinct that carnivorous animals living in the wild have as they hunt prey in order to survive: i just knew that i could go in for the kill and that i should because my very life depended on it, and so i did. and it was a good interview all around.
before i sat down with the interviewers, though, i should mention that they had me do a quick 15-minute (yes -- only 15!) writing test. i was given a really open-ended question which surprised me and that kinda stumped me at first: "describe what leadership is."
i'm just used to being thrown more-complicated questions than that. :-T
after thinking for about the question for about ten seconds, i changed the question a bit to be, "describe what qualities a good leader has" and proceeded to write from there. i typed out an answer that was just over a page, single-spaced -- and just hoped for the best.
then i got a chance to sit with the interviewers for about 30-40 minutes. i was their last interview for the day. they gave me standard questions that they give to all interviewees. i answered them using specific examples. i was personable. and i thought i did a pretty good job overall.
i heard back from the office two days later on friday, and we arranged for an appointment for me to stop by that office on monday for a "meeting." i was pretty bemused by that, to tell the truth. like, did they mean a "second interview"? or, like, an actual meeting? i spent parts of the weekend wondering about that and calling up various persons i know who work for the state to see if they could shed light on the matter for me. but they were just as bemused as i was.
to make a long story short, it was actually a meeting and a second interview, and i didn't find this out until things were well underway. basically, my interview on wednesday went well enough that the office does want to hire me. but the thing is that the head of that particular office -- who is number 4 in the entire hierarchy of the whole organization, which has personnel all over the state and employs just over 63,000 employees -- happened to get a gander at my resume, heard the interviewers say good things about my interview, and wanted to meet me. apparently, he is interested in creating a specific position within his own executive office that could use a particular skill-set that he thought i might have.
for someone who wanted to meet me, though, he didn't stay very long. i saw him for, like, 30 seconds before he had to dash off. but he had his next-in-command, a brusque, older blond woman conduct the interview with me, with one of my original interviewers from last week sitting in as well.
i totally don't know for sure how i did during that particular interview, but i'm feeling kind of confident about it. and i was really surprised when they started lauding that damned answer i typed out as part of the writing test; they were pretty impressed by both the amount of writing i got done and the content -- despite the fact that i virtually pulled the answer right out of my ass. :-P i was also given more information as to what this other position entailed; basically, it is a pretty sensitive position as a program manager overseeing a number of different projects.
after the meeting was over, my original interviewer took me back to her office to tell me that she thought i did great. she said that, no matter what, she wanted me to come work there and that she'd totally prefer for me to work for her doing legislative stuff -- but that if the opportunity to work for number 4 did come about, i should pounce on it. in fact, she said i should consider it an honor since most of the people in the office, even those who may have been there for ten, twenty years, have never had a chance to meet with number 4, let alone step into his office. but she also reassured me that, if i didn't work for number 4, i would still most def be offered the job for which i was originally considered. and then she made me promise not to consider any other job offers that might come along for the next 48 hours. in my mind, i rolled my eyes and was all, "what other job offers?" but outwardly i assured her that i would do no such thing within that window of time.
whew!
so the job is pretty much in the bag. and it is a huge weight off my mind.
the second bit of good news has me even more excited.
what could be more exciting than impressing a number 4 and having a pending job offer?
i'll tell you what's more exciting:
dreams coming true.
opportunities presenting themselves.
the doorway to the future that you've always wanted and envisaged for yourself finally opening up.
i got my first acceptance to a ph.d program.
O_O
i was so shocked, then completely elated when i got the letter in the mail.
did i shriek?
uh-huh. yes.
it is not my number one choice, per se. but to actually get accepted into a program somewhere, anywhere, just makes me feel pretty happy.
it does complicate things, though, because now, i officially do have a decision to make. if the situation was different, i'd jump at the chance to go back to grad school and start working on my ph.d.
but i've been poor for one year already and would also like to take some time to start earning money again and developing a nice cushion of savings for myself.
so that's the decision i'll have to think about during the spring season. i think if i find that i love the job i'm doing, i'll postpone grad school for at least another year; otherwise . . . i'll head for school in the fall.
choices. open doors. possibilities.
fuck me, but it's nice!
the major lesson i'm taking from this is that i will never be stagnant in life or have any reason to despair so long as i'm active in creating choices for myself. i let myself be distracted by the bar for so long that my life virtually came to a standstill. not only that, but it affected my psyche as well in not-very-good ways. but the more you put yourself out there, the more you increase your chances for success -- and seriously, it's given me a much-needed ego boost.
so i'm happy right now. the year of the rat is supposed to be my good year -- and i'm glad to see that it really is. :) hopefully the rest of the year will bring me even better luck! seriously, the only thing that could top this would be finding out i passed the bar exam . . . .
but it's another two-month wait for that. . . . and trust me, i'm more than happy to not think about that!
*sigh* but on to the important, dire matter at hand: if only i can do something about that person who i think is mad at me --!!
Friday, March 14, 2008
good news . . .
. . . to divulge later.
and i've been wanting to respond to that one anonymous commenter who called me "condescending" and "inconsiderate. " the only reason why i haven't responded so far is 'cause . . . well, i've been rather lazy this week.
but the response is coming, have no fear. and i've got other things to share as well.
good stuff's a-coming --!
ttyl --
xoxoxo
abbagirl
and i've been wanting to respond to that one anonymous commenter who called me "condescending" and "inconsiderate. " the only reason why i haven't responded so far is 'cause . . . well, i've been rather lazy this week.
but the response is coming, have no fear. and i've got other things to share as well.
good stuff's a-coming --!
ttyl --
xoxoxo
abbagirl
Monday, March 10, 2008
grass is always greener . . . .
it was such a great day today! what a way to end the weekend!
it was so warm today that, for the first time this year, i felt comfortable going out in just a tee and leaving my sweater/jacket at home. and the sight of my own naked arms as they gleamed under the light and warmth of the sun was quite astounding to me -- i had to do a double-take. i can't believe how white my skin has gotten!
i'm used to being able to treat myself to at least a few good tanning sessions during the winter -- but of course, many sacrifices had to be made this past winter so that i can actually pay my bills, and unfortunately, regular visits to the tanning salon was one of them. so yes, my skin tone has suffered much.
such a pity. . . ! *sigh*
but i'm happy spring's here -- i can virtually smell summer coming, right around the corner! and i can't wait -- summer is always the time of year when i feel myself coming alive. i revel in the sun, the heat, the sweat, and the ability to wear less clothes. and there are always so many fun things to do. best time of the year!!!
this week i've got two interviews lined up. tomorrow (monday) is the interview for the limited-term position and for which there'll be a hiring decision by the end of the day. and then i've got another one on wednesday downtown. just in case those interviews don't yield a job offer, i've got 7 more job applications ready to be put in the mail.
busy, busy, busy.
at the same time, i'm having the damnedest time trying to get into the swing of normal, post-bar life lately. it'd be cool if i had a job to help ease me back into some semblance of a familiar daily routine. but these days, i'm left to my own devices -- and it really is odd to not have anything pressing to do, like study or concentrate on outlines.
it's just odd.
but if anything, i'm back into work-out mode.
last week, i started hitting the gym again. and then my best friend's girlfriend coaxed me into doing several races with her. she's a hard-core fitness freak. based on what she says, she spends up to three hours in the gym at least several times a week.
speaking of, there is something that she tends to do that bothers me. . . .
like, i had a few drinks with my friend and his girlfriend the other night. and that's when the girlfriend talked about her exercise regimen. but then she talked about how the fact that she spends so much time at the gym hasn't done anything to make her figure more trim. and then she made a pointed reference about me and a remark about my body and how "skinny" i am, as if it were all my fault that she didn't look the way she wanted to.
and mind you, this being right after the bar exam, i was/still am in my study-mode, eat-gads-of-junkfood body. i don't feel particularly slender or attractive at the moment at all! in fact, i at first thought that was her way of making a joke about how chunky i have gotten and was ready to be offended -- but then i saw that she was in earnest.
she is not a fat or chubby girl by any standard. she is a small vietgirl -- shorter than me and curvier and more ample than me in certain spots. she is kinda cute -- not really my type, but still cute. and she is a serious runner -- she really blew past me last spring in one race we did together.
but nonetheless she thinks she's fat.
i've been lucky. i've got body issues like most other girls, and there are days when i've eaten one too many reese's peanut butter cups and feel fat as hell. but for the most part, i've always been slender (read: "scrawny" -- this is why i have never really gotten into any fights; i know i'd get my ass kicked!). and it is as much a result of luck and genetics as much as because of (occasional) conscientious effort to have a healthy diet. like, even though i will eat most anything, including starchy, fatty, and sugary foods, i do stay away from certain other foods (i actually don't like most cakes, pies, ice cream, and other pastries and desserts), and i avoid eating unhealthy, large portions.
that being said, that was not the first time my best friend's girlfriend has made remarks to me about my body -- and always in that same jesting but accusatory tone. i'm sure she means no harm, and i'm always good at laughing off her comments with a flippant joke, like, "you think i'm skinny?! girl, good thing you can't see my love handles!"
but by now, the joke's kinda gotten old, and it actually makes me feel defensive.
like, leave me alone! i refuse to defend how i look!
first off, she shouldn't compare herself to me, just as i shouldn't compare myself with paris hilton. as girls, we always feel like the grass is greener, so to speak -- that we ourselves are lacking in attractiveness and that other girls are much more attractive than we are. i find myself struggling with this quite a bit myself -- if only my boobs could be bigger, if only i had more of a booty, if only i didn't have this flat-assed azn nose, if only i didn't have this majorly and unnaturally high forehead, etc.
and i wish i could say something poignant about the body dismorphia that all women and girls are plagued with. . . . but all i can think to say is this:
get real. get over it. you are what you are -- now just fucking embrace it!
(i know -- not very eloquent for me to say. i guess i'm more of a dr. phil than a dr. drew. :-P)
anyhow, i can't believe that tomorrow is only going to be march 10th.
like, only march 10th?!
i feel like it ought to be later in the year than that!
i troll a number of different blogs maintained by those who, like me, have applied to get into graduate programs for the coming fall. it seems like the first wave of rejection letters have already come and gone for at least those early-deadline (i.e., december 1st) schools, based on what i've read. most of my schools had those early deadlines, so i'm hoping that the current silence from my remaining schools is a good sign . . . .
i've also seen that some grad school applicants are actually being courted by certain programs. like, the department will go out of its way to ensure that the applicant chooses that particular school, including sending out all sorts of correspondence and making offers for all sorts of funding . . . .
like, wtf?! why haven't i been courted?
*sigh*
as i was saying . . . the grass is always greener. . . .
:-P
it was so warm today that, for the first time this year, i felt comfortable going out in just a tee and leaving my sweater/jacket at home. and the sight of my own naked arms as they gleamed under the light and warmth of the sun was quite astounding to me -- i had to do a double-take. i can't believe how white my skin has gotten!
i'm used to being able to treat myself to at least a few good tanning sessions during the winter -- but of course, many sacrifices had to be made this past winter so that i can actually pay my bills, and unfortunately, regular visits to the tanning salon was one of them. so yes, my skin tone has suffered much.
such a pity. . . ! *sigh*
but i'm happy spring's here -- i can virtually smell summer coming, right around the corner! and i can't wait -- summer is always the time of year when i feel myself coming alive. i revel in the sun, the heat, the sweat, and the ability to wear less clothes. and there are always so many fun things to do. best time of the year!!!
this week i've got two interviews lined up. tomorrow (monday) is the interview for the limited-term position and for which there'll be a hiring decision by the end of the day. and then i've got another one on wednesday downtown. just in case those interviews don't yield a job offer, i've got 7 more job applications ready to be put in the mail.
busy, busy, busy.
at the same time, i'm having the damnedest time trying to get into the swing of normal, post-bar life lately. it'd be cool if i had a job to help ease me back into some semblance of a familiar daily routine. but these days, i'm left to my own devices -- and it really is odd to not have anything pressing to do, like study or concentrate on outlines.
it's just odd.
but if anything, i'm back into work-out mode.
last week, i started hitting the gym again. and then my best friend's girlfriend coaxed me into doing several races with her. she's a hard-core fitness freak. based on what she says, she spends up to three hours in the gym at least several times a week.
speaking of, there is something that she tends to do that bothers me. . . .
like, i had a few drinks with my friend and his girlfriend the other night. and that's when the girlfriend talked about her exercise regimen. but then she talked about how the fact that she spends so much time at the gym hasn't done anything to make her figure more trim. and then she made a pointed reference about me and a remark about my body and how "skinny" i am, as if it were all my fault that she didn't look the way she wanted to.
and mind you, this being right after the bar exam, i was/still am in my study-mode, eat-gads-of-junkfood body. i don't feel particularly slender or attractive at the moment at all! in fact, i at first thought that was her way of making a joke about how chunky i have gotten and was ready to be offended -- but then i saw that she was in earnest.
she is not a fat or chubby girl by any standard. she is a small vietgirl -- shorter than me and curvier and more ample than me in certain spots. she is kinda cute -- not really my type, but still cute. and she is a serious runner -- she really blew past me last spring in one race we did together.
but nonetheless she thinks she's fat.
i've been lucky. i've got body issues like most other girls, and there are days when i've eaten one too many reese's peanut butter cups and feel fat as hell. but for the most part, i've always been slender (read: "scrawny" -- this is why i have never really gotten into any fights; i know i'd get my ass kicked!). and it is as much a result of luck and genetics as much as because of (occasional) conscientious effort to have a healthy diet. like, even though i will eat most anything, including starchy, fatty, and sugary foods, i do stay away from certain other foods (i actually don't like most cakes, pies, ice cream, and other pastries and desserts), and i avoid eating unhealthy, large portions.
that being said, that was not the first time my best friend's girlfriend has made remarks to me about my body -- and always in that same jesting but accusatory tone. i'm sure she means no harm, and i'm always good at laughing off her comments with a flippant joke, like, "you think i'm skinny?! girl, good thing you can't see my love handles!"
but by now, the joke's kinda gotten old, and it actually makes me feel defensive.
like, leave me alone! i refuse to defend how i look!
first off, she shouldn't compare herself to me, just as i shouldn't compare myself with paris hilton. as girls, we always feel like the grass is greener, so to speak -- that we ourselves are lacking in attractiveness and that other girls are much more attractive than we are. i find myself struggling with this quite a bit myself -- if only my boobs could be bigger, if only i had more of a booty, if only i didn't have this flat-assed azn nose, if only i didn't have this majorly and unnaturally high forehead, etc.
and i wish i could say something poignant about the body dismorphia that all women and girls are plagued with. . . . but all i can think to say is this:
get real. get over it. you are what you are -- now just fucking embrace it!
(i know -- not very eloquent for me to say. i guess i'm more of a dr. phil than a dr. drew. :-P)
anyhow, i can't believe that tomorrow is only going to be march 10th.
like, only march 10th?!
i feel like it ought to be later in the year than that!
i troll a number of different blogs maintained by those who, like me, have applied to get into graduate programs for the coming fall. it seems like the first wave of rejection letters have already come and gone for at least those early-deadline (i.e., december 1st) schools, based on what i've read. most of my schools had those early deadlines, so i'm hoping that the current silence from my remaining schools is a good sign . . . .
i've also seen that some grad school applicants are actually being courted by certain programs. like, the department will go out of its way to ensure that the applicant chooses that particular school, including sending out all sorts of correspondence and making offers for all sorts of funding . . . .
like, wtf?! why haven't i been courted?
*sigh*
as i was saying . . . the grass is always greener. . . .
:-P
Thursday, March 06, 2008
it's a hard-knock life
ah, what a life.
it's so hard being unemployed!
the employed don't understand that.
it's such a dilemma trying to decide when to wake up and get out of bed; when to eat meals; whether to hit the gym when the sun is up or when the sun is down; and which video game, exactly, i'd like to play for the day.
for the record, the decision today was to play ultimate alliance. :)
using the fantastic 4:
it's seriously major fun! and quite addictive. i like using mr. fantastic because he's all rubbery, and when he punches bad guys using his stretchy arms, it looks like he's giving them pathetic little bitch slaps.
:-D
i've been so lazy about doing my next batch of applications. theoretically, it is a no-brainer to do them. you just need to fill out a standard application, which is about four or five pages long; get your curiculum vitae ready; and update and "personalize" your cover letter. and i do pretty much have everything done; i just need to collate them and stick 'em into the envelopes.
but i am so lethargic, it's not even funny.
obviously, this unemployment thing is a mixed bag. the good thing about it is that my time is mine and i can do whatever i want whenever i want for however long i want. i can take my time in recuperating from the bar and getting all my personal affairs into order.
the bad part is that, well, i feel like i'm wasting time and am not being productive. and of course, there's the money thing.
and i'm also kinda worried about my 'tude about the bar right now. i feel so . . . detached from it, like it didn't even happen.
it's not that i'm not worried. i am worried. i don't want to know how other people wrote their answers; if i do, i will likely freak (as i did the other day). and i don't want to take it again, either. in fact, i will be devastated if i find out i failed again.
but at the same time, i have completely stopped worrying about it. my mindset has gone almost completely back to normal. i rarely think about it at all.
and it just makes me wonder if karma will come and kick me in the butt because of this. like, i'm sure i'll be punished for being so blase and that my punishment will come in the form of not finding my name on the pass list on may 16th.
i just know it!
at the same time, i am waving a middle finger. screw it!
i think the reason why i feel so nonchalant right now is because i think i'm totally burnt out on the failure thing. i'm done with the whole self-deprecating "why me?!" internal yelling. i'm over it! i'm ready to move on!
i've mentioned that this time around, i feel that passing the california bar exam is within my reach. it is attainable. the only issue is when. when will i pass?
because of that reassuring realization, the whole mysterious aura of the bar, its unattainability, is gone. before, i wanted to pass, and i didn't know how to get there. now, the mystery is over, and the veil of unattainability has been pierced. the exam is just so transparent to me right now, and i refuse to let my life remain on hold because of it.
it has also helped that i have been envisioning for myself alternative plans in case the attorney thing never panned out. one thing i've always tended to do is just "let" things unfold. i'd undertake a series of random, tentative acts, and the road i'd choose to follow would depend on what paths opened up as a result of those random, tentative acts.
that's how i inexplicably ended up in utah. that's how i ended up going to law school instead of grad school. that's how i ended up getting the most random-assed jobs that anyone would've thought possible.
and i still do this to a certain extent. it is just . . . natural, given my character and personality, and also because it's just kinda fun to be able to open oneself up to random choices and have all sorts of fun paths to choose from. and i'm actually continuing to do this right now, to a certain extent, as i wait for a state job to come my way and for grad school letters to start flooding in.
but the important thing is to not let myself get all boxed in and feeling like i've got no choice.
there is always a choice to make. and most importantly, we are all agents of change. we're the only ones who have the power to make ourselves happy. and what i choose is to not dwell on the bar exam and to let it be the bane of my existence and happiness.
i choose to enjoy life.
in the meantime, i'll continue to take advantage of this time off while i still have it. tomorrow, i'll finish sending off more applications (i still have about 20 to do). and after i do some running . . . i think i'll play me some kingdom hearts.
it's so hard being unemployed!
the employed don't understand that.
it's such a dilemma trying to decide when to wake up and get out of bed; when to eat meals; whether to hit the gym when the sun is up or when the sun is down; and which video game, exactly, i'd like to play for the day.
for the record, the decision today was to play ultimate alliance. :)
using the fantastic 4:
it's seriously major fun! and quite addictive. i like using mr. fantastic because he's all rubbery, and when he punches bad guys using his stretchy arms, it looks like he's giving them pathetic little bitch slaps.
:-D
i've been so lazy about doing my next batch of applications. theoretically, it is a no-brainer to do them. you just need to fill out a standard application, which is about four or five pages long; get your curiculum vitae ready; and update and "personalize" your cover letter. and i do pretty much have everything done; i just need to collate them and stick 'em into the envelopes.
but i am so lethargic, it's not even funny.
obviously, this unemployment thing is a mixed bag. the good thing about it is that my time is mine and i can do whatever i want whenever i want for however long i want. i can take my time in recuperating from the bar and getting all my personal affairs into order.
the bad part is that, well, i feel like i'm wasting time and am not being productive. and of course, there's the money thing.
and i'm also kinda worried about my 'tude about the bar right now. i feel so . . . detached from it, like it didn't even happen.
it's not that i'm not worried. i am worried. i don't want to know how other people wrote their answers; if i do, i will likely freak (as i did the other day). and i don't want to take it again, either. in fact, i will be devastated if i find out i failed again.
but at the same time, i have completely stopped worrying about it. my mindset has gone almost completely back to normal. i rarely think about it at all.
and it just makes me wonder if karma will come and kick me in the butt because of this. like, i'm sure i'll be punished for being so blase and that my punishment will come in the form of not finding my name on the pass list on may 16th.
i just know it!
at the same time, i am waving a middle finger. screw it!
i think the reason why i feel so nonchalant right now is because i think i'm totally burnt out on the failure thing. i'm done with the whole self-deprecating "why me?!" internal yelling. i'm over it! i'm ready to move on!
i've mentioned that this time around, i feel that passing the california bar exam is within my reach. it is attainable. the only issue is when. when will i pass?
because of that reassuring realization, the whole mysterious aura of the bar, its unattainability, is gone. before, i wanted to pass, and i didn't know how to get there. now, the mystery is over, and the veil of unattainability has been pierced. the exam is just so transparent to me right now, and i refuse to let my life remain on hold because of it.
it has also helped that i have been envisioning for myself alternative plans in case the attorney thing never panned out. one thing i've always tended to do is just "let" things unfold. i'd undertake a series of random, tentative acts, and the road i'd choose to follow would depend on what paths opened up as a result of those random, tentative acts.
that's how i inexplicably ended up in utah. that's how i ended up going to law school instead of grad school. that's how i ended up getting the most random-assed jobs that anyone would've thought possible.
and i still do this to a certain extent. it is just . . . natural, given my character and personality, and also because it's just kinda fun to be able to open oneself up to random choices and have all sorts of fun paths to choose from. and i'm actually continuing to do this right now, to a certain extent, as i wait for a state job to come my way and for grad school letters to start flooding in.
but the important thing is to not let myself get all boxed in and feeling like i've got no choice.
there is always a choice to make. and most importantly, we are all agents of change. we're the only ones who have the power to make ourselves happy. and what i choose is to not dwell on the bar exam and to let it be the bane of my existence and happiness.
i choose to enjoy life.
in the meantime, i'll continue to take advantage of this time off while i still have it. tomorrow, i'll finish sending off more applications (i still have about 20 to do). and after i do some running . . . i think i'll play me some kingdom hearts.
really. it's soooo hard being unemployed.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
getting back to normal
*sigh of relief*
finally. got another call for an interview today. it's set for next monday.
i was seriously worried about the long silence that occurred between the time i started sending out job apps starting at the beginning of february until now. like, i was seriously ready to start prostituting myself out just to be able to put some food on the table!
so luckily i got this call. :)
the agency that called me appears to be in dire need of hiring someone. the thing is that the position it's seeking to fill is a limited-term one, and the incumbent will techically only be in the position for a few months. but when the position becomes approved, it'll formally become a permanent position, and the incumbent may be offered the permanent spot.
frankly, i don't care whether a position is permanent or temporary at this point. yo necessito dinero ahora!
and it sounds like a job offer will be made the same day the interview is. based on my conversation with the lady who set me up with the interview, monday morning is generally booked full of interviews, but as of today, the afternoon was wide open. so at least for now, it doesn't sound like the agency has a lot of candidates. . . . but of course, the week is still young.
i banged my shin earlier this evening. hurts like the devil! and yet as someone who has ignored most bodily discomforts for the sake of hard-core studying these past couple of months, i kinda do welcome the pain.
it's the little things, like that, that help you remember that you're human and that there are more important than some lame test.
i'm also a bit sore from running for the first time in over a month and from doing crunches. i started hitting the gym yesterday, and already i'm feeling so much better. plus, it's been fairly warm outside lately, and it's been so great to feel the sun's rays on me. i feel like i haven't seen the sun in forever. in fact, i feel like a brand new year only just started yesterday and that i now, at last, have a fresh, blank new slate before me.
yesterday was also the day i started initiating contact with real live people, other than my mom and sisters. :-P i'm on the same page as measuring life when it comes to this: it's just so hard fielding questions from others about how It went. but i know that most of the peeps in my life only ask out of concern, so i have to consciously try to be cool about it for their sake, instead of letting my reactionary, defensive emotions get the best of me. and so far, it's been cool.
but seriously, what a humbling year 2007 was for me. i'm pretty determined to not let this year be a repeat of all that crap. in fact, i've been doing some thinking, and it seems to be a fairly reasonable step for me to hold off on-retaking the bar exam, assuming i fail it again, and also hold off on graduate school for another year while i get my financial situation a little more stable again. that way, i can start being a care-free, fun-loving, productive member of society again.
i'm just so eager to start living again. and i feel that i haven't been able to do so for exactly one year now because i've had to study for and take two consecutive bar exams. working for at least this next year or so would give me the means for enjoying life once more. i'd be able to afford to travel to see all my friends, go shopping, imbibe without guilt, and all the other good stuff that i haven't been able to do this past year and that i've really missed out on.
but this isn't a decision that's set in stone quite yet. i'm still thinking about things. . . . the only thing that would probably change this course of thinking is if i actually got into one of my top three or four choices for graduate school. and then hell yeah, i'd be more than happy to drop everything and be ready to go at the start of fall semester. :)
oh, speaking of: you guys are first to know that i got my first rejection notice from one of the grad programs i applied to. uh-huh. i actually got my rejection notice via e-mail at least a couple of weeks ago . . . . but haven't told a soul about it. it would make me feel like i was confessing -- even though i have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. one of my best friends was rooting for me to get into that program that i got rejected from. i totally had a chance to tell her last night about it -- but didn't. and i still feel guilty about not telling her yet . . . but i'm just not ready to go there.
i'm weird like that. i can be hot-tempered and reactionary and go off the cuff when my emotions are provoked.
but there are certain things that i have to mull over before i can take action.
anyhow, i'm glad i can start worrying about other important matters other than the damned bar exam! it's like breaking up after a really bad relationship; you're in the relationship in order to make it work -- but when you're finally free of the relationship, you can understand how much better off you are without it.
that's how i feel about the bar. :)
now i'm going to try to stop worrying about it -- until may 16th, anyway.
:-P
;)
finally. got another call for an interview today. it's set for next monday.
i was seriously worried about the long silence that occurred between the time i started sending out job apps starting at the beginning of february until now. like, i was seriously ready to start prostituting myself out just to be able to put some food on the table!
so luckily i got this call. :)
the agency that called me appears to be in dire need of hiring someone. the thing is that the position it's seeking to fill is a limited-term one, and the incumbent will techically only be in the position for a few months. but when the position becomes approved, it'll formally become a permanent position, and the incumbent may be offered the permanent spot.
frankly, i don't care whether a position is permanent or temporary at this point. yo necessito dinero ahora!
and it sounds like a job offer will be made the same day the interview is. based on my conversation with the lady who set me up with the interview, monday morning is generally booked full of interviews, but as of today, the afternoon was wide open. so at least for now, it doesn't sound like the agency has a lot of candidates. . . . but of course, the week is still young.
i banged my shin earlier this evening. hurts like the devil! and yet as someone who has ignored most bodily discomforts for the sake of hard-core studying these past couple of months, i kinda do welcome the pain.
it's the little things, like that, that help you remember that you're human and that there are more important than some lame test.
i'm also a bit sore from running for the first time in over a month and from doing crunches. i started hitting the gym yesterday, and already i'm feeling so much better. plus, it's been fairly warm outside lately, and it's been so great to feel the sun's rays on me. i feel like i haven't seen the sun in forever. in fact, i feel like a brand new year only just started yesterday and that i now, at last, have a fresh, blank new slate before me.
yesterday was also the day i started initiating contact with real live people, other than my mom and sisters. :-P i'm on the same page as measuring life when it comes to this: it's just so hard fielding questions from others about how It went. but i know that most of the peeps in my life only ask out of concern, so i have to consciously try to be cool about it for their sake, instead of letting my reactionary, defensive emotions get the best of me. and so far, it's been cool.
but seriously, what a humbling year 2007 was for me. i'm pretty determined to not let this year be a repeat of all that crap. in fact, i've been doing some thinking, and it seems to be a fairly reasonable step for me to hold off on-retaking the bar exam, assuming i fail it again, and also hold off on graduate school for another year while i get my financial situation a little more stable again. that way, i can start being a care-free, fun-loving, productive member of society again.
i'm just so eager to start living again. and i feel that i haven't been able to do so for exactly one year now because i've had to study for and take two consecutive bar exams. working for at least this next year or so would give me the means for enjoying life once more. i'd be able to afford to travel to see all my friends, go shopping, imbibe without guilt, and all the other good stuff that i haven't been able to do this past year and that i've really missed out on.
but this isn't a decision that's set in stone quite yet. i'm still thinking about things. . . . the only thing that would probably change this course of thinking is if i actually got into one of my top three or four choices for graduate school. and then hell yeah, i'd be more than happy to drop everything and be ready to go at the start of fall semester. :)
oh, speaking of: you guys are first to know that i got my first rejection notice from one of the grad programs i applied to. uh-huh. i actually got my rejection notice via e-mail at least a couple of weeks ago . . . . but haven't told a soul about it. it would make me feel like i was confessing -- even though i have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. one of my best friends was rooting for me to get into that program that i got rejected from. i totally had a chance to tell her last night about it -- but didn't. and i still feel guilty about not telling her yet . . . but i'm just not ready to go there.
i'm weird like that. i can be hot-tempered and reactionary and go off the cuff when my emotions are provoked.
but there are certain things that i have to mull over before i can take action.
anyhow, i'm glad i can start worrying about other important matters other than the damned bar exam! it's like breaking up after a really bad relationship; you're in the relationship in order to make it work -- but when you're finally free of the relationship, you can understand how much better off you are without it.
that's how i feel about the bar. :)
now i'm going to try to stop worrying about it -- until may 16th, anyway.
:-P
;)
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
i need a drink -- on the double!!
arrgh!! my eyes!!
i have just seen that which should have remained unseen! a post from another bar examinee about the actual answers he wrote for each of the bar essays!!
damn it! i was hoping to remain oblivious as to what other people actually wrote!
oh, the agony! my brain has now been singed with self-doubt before i've even had a full week to recuperate! not that i didn't put similar stuff into my essay, but there is at least one thing that particular blogger mentioned writing that i didn't write about. . . .
which gets me wondering . . . .
what if i didn't organize my essay well enough? what if i got some issues, but didn't get the most glaringly important ones? what if i didn't do enough analysis? what if i put in too many facts? what if i totally screwed up the mbes beyond belief? what if . . .
. . . i fail again?!
i need a drink! a.s.a.p.!
i have just seen that which should have remained unseen! a post from another bar examinee about the actual answers he wrote for each of the bar essays!!
damn it! i was hoping to remain oblivious as to what other people actually wrote!
oh, the agony! my brain has now been singed with self-doubt before i've even had a full week to recuperate! not that i didn't put similar stuff into my essay, but there is at least one thing that particular blogger mentioned writing that i didn't write about. . . .
which gets me wondering . . . .
what if i didn't organize my essay well enough? what if i got some issues, but didn't get the most glaringly important ones? what if i didn't do enough analysis? what if i put in too many facts? what if i totally screwed up the mbes beyond belief? what if . . .
. . . i fail again?!
i need a drink! a.s.a.p.!
Saturday, March 01, 2008
memorable people and moments from bar exam 2008, pt. 1
1. freckly, mousy girl
on the first day of the bar exam, i found myself seated in the third-to-last row in the middle section of the examination room, a high-ceilinged, drafty warehouse that presumably used to house a bunch of farming equipment. indeed, right next to the warehouse outside was an old, seemingly unused corral surrounded by a metal fence and a series of stables along one side.
i arrived at my assigned seat almost at the same time as my table partner did, a small, rather mousy girl with brown frizzy hair pulled back into a tight pony tail. she had thick eyebrows and rather harsh-looking freckles. her seat was to the right of me. being a cold-hearted bitch, i only gave her a short nod as i set my stuff up (i'm not a morning person), and i walked around all the way around the table so that i could plug my laptop in. "do you want me to plug yours in?" i asked politely. i kinda expected her to say, "yes, thanks," and hand me her plug.
but she said, "no, thanks" curtly.
and that settled it: we were going to be merely polite, and not overly chatty, table buddies.
that's kinda how i like it. :)
during the exam that day, i turned out to be a rather terrible table buddy for her. during the morning session, i went off to take a bathroom break, and when i came back to my seat, i tripped on the table leg and found myself falling hard against the table. the mousy girl didn't look up, but her face hardened just a bit, and she lowered her head in subtle show of consternation. and then as i righted myself, i fell into my chair with a hard thud, and the table moved about two inches forward with a loud screech.
uh . . . heh heh. . . ! whoops.
the girl kept right on typing.
that was my only mishap -- during the first writing session, at least.
after the lunch-break, i feared i'd have a million more bumblings like that, so i asked one of the proctors if i could change seats, starting the following day. because the whole back row of my section was practically empty, except for this one lone guy, the proctor said it would be no big deal. she even said i could move right away if i wanted. but i demurred because i didn't want to lug all my crap over.
i came to regret that decision.
for the exam, i make sure to bring a gazillion starlight mints in my ziplock bag. before each session, i tend to unwrap about five of them and leave them sitting around so that when i need 'em, i can just pop 'em in my mouth with having to mess around with the wrappers.
well, before the mpt session, i made sure to do that, and i put the starlight mints next to my computer to my right. during the course of the mpt session, i ended up having a bunch of papers spread out in front of me; i tend to like to tear pages out of the books and keep them in separate piles spread all out in front of me. well, some of the pages ended up landing on top of my unwrapped starlight mints, and during one particular moment, i grabbed up a pile of my papers in my hand with a flourish (i was just so excited and earnest, you know), and the starlight mints went flying towards mousy girl. and one starlight mint in particular began rolling slowly towards her until it disappeared behind her laptop. the girl was pissed, her eyebrows all knitted into a fierce glare. but she continued to concentrate in earnest on typing as if nothing was amiss.
a proctor happened to be walking along the front of our table as this went on. "uh, did you want that?" she asked in a whisper, gesturing to the mint that had rolled behind the girl's laptop.
"um, no," i whispered back hesitantly. "i mean -- uh, no, that's okay."
then mousy girl impatiently brought her hand to the back of her laptop to where the mint was and slid it over to me.
i started laughing at that point to myself, to the point where my shoulders were shaking.
only i am that much of a klutzy dunce.
2. white gauze girl
the next day, i set myself up at my new spot in the last row. i had a whole table to myself. mousy girl was surprised to see me set up back there and not next to her, but i don't think she had any complaints.
i like the back row. you can see everyone all around you and get a more panoramic view of the room. and i just like having that much more space to spread my things and get comfortable.
there was a cute blond girl sitting right in front of me. she looked to be younger than me. her hair was almost a white color. she wore an oversized tee shirt each day of the exam as well as track pants, and she had a brown scarf. i was surprised that she didn't bring a sweater or jacket; the morning sessions were fucking cold! i was glad i ended up wearing four layers -- a long-sleeved tee under a tee, a hoodie, and then a light jacket, plus a scarf -- that first day. it was fuh-reezing!
something that was quite odd about her, though, was the fact that she had white gauze wrapped around both of her arms. i chatted briefly with her a couple of times but never quite was able to bring myself to ask what was up with the gauze.
seeing her arms wrapped up like that reminded me of that one episode of grey's anatomy that aired either during the first or second season. in that episode, there was a woman who had come to the hospital after suffering major burns on both of her hands. turns out the woman is a repeat bar examinee. the doctors want to do what they can to help her recover in time to take the bar exam, but the woman keeps trying to prevent them from doing so. finally, after being pressured by merideth, the woman has a break-down and confesses: she purposely scalded her hands so that she doesn't have to take the exam again. merideth then recommends that the woman get psychiatric help.
was i the only one affected by that episode? i thought it was a fantastic episode, and i empathize with it quite a bit.
but that's what i thought of every time i looked at white gauze girl.
on the first day of the bar exam, i found myself seated in the third-to-last row in the middle section of the examination room, a high-ceilinged, drafty warehouse that presumably used to house a bunch of farming equipment. indeed, right next to the warehouse outside was an old, seemingly unused corral surrounded by a metal fence and a series of stables along one side.
i arrived at my assigned seat almost at the same time as my table partner did, a small, rather mousy girl with brown frizzy hair pulled back into a tight pony tail. she had thick eyebrows and rather harsh-looking freckles. her seat was to the right of me. being a cold-hearted bitch, i only gave her a short nod as i set my stuff up (i'm not a morning person), and i walked around all the way around the table so that i could plug my laptop in. "do you want me to plug yours in?" i asked politely. i kinda expected her to say, "yes, thanks," and hand me her plug.
but she said, "no, thanks" curtly.
and that settled it: we were going to be merely polite, and not overly chatty, table buddies.
that's kinda how i like it. :)
during the exam that day, i turned out to be a rather terrible table buddy for her. during the morning session, i went off to take a bathroom break, and when i came back to my seat, i tripped on the table leg and found myself falling hard against the table. the mousy girl didn't look up, but her face hardened just a bit, and she lowered her head in subtle show of consternation. and then as i righted myself, i fell into my chair with a hard thud, and the table moved about two inches forward with a loud screech.
uh . . . heh heh. . . ! whoops.
the girl kept right on typing.
that was my only mishap -- during the first writing session, at least.
after the lunch-break, i feared i'd have a million more bumblings like that, so i asked one of the proctors if i could change seats, starting the following day. because the whole back row of my section was practically empty, except for this one lone guy, the proctor said it would be no big deal. she even said i could move right away if i wanted. but i demurred because i didn't want to lug all my crap over.
i came to regret that decision.
for the exam, i make sure to bring a gazillion starlight mints in my ziplock bag. before each session, i tend to unwrap about five of them and leave them sitting around so that when i need 'em, i can just pop 'em in my mouth with having to mess around with the wrappers.
well, before the mpt session, i made sure to do that, and i put the starlight mints next to my computer to my right. during the course of the mpt session, i ended up having a bunch of papers spread out in front of me; i tend to like to tear pages out of the books and keep them in separate piles spread all out in front of me. well, some of the pages ended up landing on top of my unwrapped starlight mints, and during one particular moment, i grabbed up a pile of my papers in my hand with a flourish (i was just so excited and earnest, you know), and the starlight mints went flying towards mousy girl. and one starlight mint in particular began rolling slowly towards her until it disappeared behind her laptop. the girl was pissed, her eyebrows all knitted into a fierce glare. but she continued to concentrate in earnest on typing as if nothing was amiss.
a proctor happened to be walking along the front of our table as this went on. "uh, did you want that?" she asked in a whisper, gesturing to the mint that had rolled behind the girl's laptop.
"um, no," i whispered back hesitantly. "i mean -- uh, no, that's okay."
then mousy girl impatiently brought her hand to the back of her laptop to where the mint was and slid it over to me.
i started laughing at that point to myself, to the point where my shoulders were shaking.
only i am that much of a klutzy dunce.
2. white gauze girl
the next day, i set myself up at my new spot in the last row. i had a whole table to myself. mousy girl was surprised to see me set up back there and not next to her, but i don't think she had any complaints.
i like the back row. you can see everyone all around you and get a more panoramic view of the room. and i just like having that much more space to spread my things and get comfortable.
there was a cute blond girl sitting right in front of me. she looked to be younger than me. her hair was almost a white color. she wore an oversized tee shirt each day of the exam as well as track pants, and she had a brown scarf. i was surprised that she didn't bring a sweater or jacket; the morning sessions were fucking cold! i was glad i ended up wearing four layers -- a long-sleeved tee under a tee, a hoodie, and then a light jacket, plus a scarf -- that first day. it was fuh-reezing!
something that was quite odd about her, though, was the fact that she had white gauze wrapped around both of her arms. i chatted briefly with her a couple of times but never quite was able to bring myself to ask what was up with the gauze.
seeing her arms wrapped up like that reminded me of that one episode of grey's anatomy that aired either during the first or second season. in that episode, there was a woman who had come to the hospital after suffering major burns on both of her hands. turns out the woman is a repeat bar examinee. the doctors want to do what they can to help her recover in time to take the bar exam, but the woman keeps trying to prevent them from doing so. finally, after being pressured by merideth, the woman has a break-down and confesses: she purposely scalded her hands so that she doesn't have to take the exam again. merideth then recommends that the woman get psychiatric help.
was i the only one affected by that episode? i thought it was a fantastic episode, and i empathize with it quite a bit.
but that's what i thought of every time i looked at white gauze girl.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
