things to look forward to . . . .

my minor, work-related rant aside, today was a satisfying day.

i'm being kept busy at work, and there are a number of pots to watch over. but i'm still managing to stay on my feet, over the stove, tending to each pot. there are moments of indecision when i wonder, in a tired way, whether i'm capable of doing the stuff i'm being asked to do. but in the end, i buck up and keep plowing forward because my boss is just exhibiting all sorts of confidence in me. so the least i can do is meet her at least half-way and make sure that confidence is not misplaced.

i can't get over how great my boss is. she knows a lot of the concepts are new to me, that there are a gazillion rules and policies that i'm not familiar with, so she has no problems repeating and simplifying her explanations so that a fuddy-duddy dunderhead like myself can understand a bit more easily.

simple language is best for abbagirl's poor, simple mind.

seriously, though, this boss rocks. very efficient and focused -- but totally personable. she can get caught up in the moment and start becoming really intense, though. i don't take it personally -- i know it's the fact that there's just so much shit to do. i just try to do my part, do whatever she instructs me to do -- but i also do other intangibles, too, which i know she appreciates. like, today, i finally saw flashes of annoyance in her because certain out-of-control things were happening or when other people were proving to be dumb asses. her tension was causing me to be tense. so i made a couple of quick jokes and flippant remarks, and they were enough to ease the tension and for her to start smiling again. and that, in turn, made it easier for me to concentrate on the stuff we were talking about.

i think that's at least a small part of the reason why i was hired: to balance out her intensity, her personality. i swear i don't do it in a kiss-ass way, though. i could if i wanted to! but it's just not my way. plus, i just genuinely like my boss! so there's no need to be a kiss-butt even if it was in my nature to be like that.

those other folks in the office who don't respect me until they find out i work for her are really starting to get on my nerves, though. like, whether you like me or don't like me, at least have the guts to make that decision on my own merits -- and not based on whom i'm associated or affiliated with. but even likeability is not the issue -- it's all about treating people you work with proper respect and decorum, regardless of who they are. i hate to sound like a first grade teacher here, but didn't we all learn the importance of getting along with each other when we were still knee-high and clinging to our mommy's hand?

:-P

in other news, i'm super stoked to report that i've managed to run every day this week. i've made a point of doing so after work each evening thus far. sometimes it's hard. like, today, i was just too pooped for words. i didn't think i'd be able to do it today. but after being home for about 45 minutes and just lounging about, something clicked in my head, and all of a sudden, i felt a surge of energy -- so i took advantage, before i could change my mind, and got myself ready for the gym.

generally, i either hit the park that's near my house, where there is a rugged, unpaved track, and run laps, or if the weather is too cold or windy or too late in the evening, i hit the gym. it's all in an effort to be in tip-top condition for a race this sunday, and i am quite intent on ensuring that no eighty-year-old man, gimping along in short shorts, passes me by and laps me.

yes, that happened to me last year. swear to god.

:-T

something else i'm super stoked about, and forgive my nerdiness, is the fact that i'm getting super cute eyeglasses.

yah. uh-huh. i'm a nerd.

:-T

one of the first things i did, after finally being able to enroll in all the wonderful benefits provided by my job, is get an eye exam done -- which, as a near-sighted nerd who has desperately staved off using her very last pair of disposable contact lenses for, like, ever now, is practically heaven-sent. so i've finally got a new stash of contact lenses.

whew! state jobs ROCK!!

and after a lot of agonizing over a couple of cute frames at the doctor's office, i finally narrowed my choices down to a valentino frame or a juicy couture one (no, i had no idea juicy couture made eyeglass frames, either. but as you'd expect, they had some really cute and trendy frames). both the valentino and the juicy ones were on the expensive side -- about $ 200 each. my vision plan allows for a $ 75 deductible, so i'd only have to pay about $ 125 out of pocket for the frames alone (there are other niceties you have to pay for out-of-pocket, too, though -- like the cost of shrinking your lenses so that you don't go around wearing thick glasses that magnify your eyeballs 400 times). even with the deductible, i thought $ 125 was still a bit much . . . .

but in the end, of course, i decided on the valentino one. ;)

i figured cuteness has a price -- and i might as well go for it while i can afford it. seriously, it feels good to throw money like that into the wind after having pinched pennies for so long. like, i'm just glad to not have to be burdened with worries of how i'm going to pay for my next stash of groceries! dude -- that shit sucks ass -- like, big time.

so now i'm just eagerly waiting for my new spectacles to be ready for pick-up. but seriously, it was cute. like, majorly. even if i were poor, i would still find a way to get them. i had forced my sister to come along with me to help me pick out frames, and she liked it, too. usually i prefer to wear contact lenses. but i think i'll start wearing glasses again soon for the heck of it.

:-T

anyhow . . . after my race this sunday, i think i'll start re-studying for the bar again.

. . . why the hell not? right? it's the logical step. and i'm a logical person. i know i ought to keep going and keep trying . . . .

i just need to figure out, as one anonymous commenter mentioned a while ago, where exactly i'm going wrong. what is it that prevents me from passing?

it fucking makes me mad to think about it. but i know i'm just still not understanding how my answers ought to be laid out. i can't wait to get my answers back and see what i wrote. i'll then compare them to the model answers that the calbar posts on the website.

but i know i have everything i need. i've got all the materials. i'll need to find some more mbe questions to practice on -- but other than that, i know i have everything i need. my outlines and outlining methods are good -- i know that because a friend of mine relied on a few outlines i had done for the california topics and found them helpful for one of the essay questions that came up . . . . and she passed.

it's this noggin of mine. i'm just . . . mentally stuck. in mediocrity. stuck. i am. not -- very bright. . . .

:(

abbagirl must think about her valentino eye glasses . . . yes, valentino . . . cute . . . cheer up, abbagirl. . . . don't let bar exam get you down . . . .

and think -- payday soon . . . ! this friday . . . then can go shopping -- for shoes!!

oh, yeah -- gotta get some shoes. :) i've got a family wedding reception dinner thing-y soon . . . i've had my eye on this cute strapless green dress -- and must go find matching shoes . . . .

okay, i guess i feel somewhat better now. . . .

:-T

minor work-related rant

one of the projects i'm working on at work is the hiring/interview crap for another unit. i'm on loan to that unit to work on that while still doing stuff my own boss assigns to me. it makes for a lot of craziness -- but it sure does make the day pass by quickly.

anyhow, one of the people from that other unit i'm on loan to started giving me a hard time earlier today. like, i've been calling applicants to schedule them for interview appointments -- and as i mentioned earlier, there are a gazillion rules for this personnel crap, and i'm just trying to keep my head above water and make sure i'm following all the rules and stuff.

but apparently, i'm still not doing a good enough job, so the lady, who isn't even management level but is still going to be on the interview panel, started giving me shit. we got all het up about it. she was telling me i should do/should have done this, that, and the other. and i was gritting my teeth, but i thanked her for her guidance. i also reiterated that i was kind of on loan to them and that doing all the hiring crap was out of my jurisdiction as it was.

but she still started getting worked up. apparently, there are flaws in how i managed the whole affair. so then she started asking me, "who do you work for? who's your boss?"

and by this time, she was pretty loud -- i think the whole unit could hear. and so i kinda started talking loudly, too.

at first, i didn't answer her question directly. truthbetold, if she doesn't know who i work for yet, then it's none of her business, and i didn't want to tell her shit. i only reiterated that i was on loan. but she kept asking, so i said, "i work for so-and-so. but i'm on loan to this unit for this hiring stuff. so while i do this stuff, i'm supposed to answer to blankety-blank. but as you know, she's busy with lots of other stuff, and so she's delegated to you guys. so if you have instructions or any helpful advice, then you should probably tell me."

but it was enough for me to say that i work for "so-and-so." i certainly could have just stopped there. it definitely changed things, most notably her attitude.

now, i'm getting compliments left and right from her about what a great job i'm doing.

fuck that. thanks for your two cents, freak.

damned ass-kissing 'tards. eat my poo.

love-hate: love work, hate the fucking bar

memorial day weekend.

a much-needed respite.

things have started to pick up a lot more at work. i ended up having to work a bit of overtime on friday. there is a major project to get done (aspects of which have made the local and state news lately), and i was helping my boss coordinate and plan stuff.

she and i work well together. i've discovered that i make for a great lap dog. just tell me what to do, and i'll do it. it's as straight-forward as that. and it helps to have a great boss who keeps things professional and maintains a brusque pace. no bull-shit, no wishy-washiness.

"just do this, this, and this, abbagirl."

"yes, ma'am."

"what do you think of this, abbagirl?"

"to tell the truth, ma'am, i think this is good, but that's not good."

"good job, abbagirl."

"thank you, ma'am."

okay, the conversation didn't really go like that -- but you get the idea. ;)

she's also great at listening. i've had bosses who don't care to hear opinions or feedback from lower-level employees like myself. they (think they) know what to do and don't like being told what to do. but my boss actually listened to suggestions i had and even implemented a couple. and i was like, wow. i actually have a voice here.

as a result of our efforts friday afternoon and into the evening, i was to spend this morning going out to one of the facilities to deliver paperwork, materials, and instructions that we had spent most of last week and especially friday working on. the facility is located about 30 miles south of where i live, and so the drive wasn't too bad. i only just made it back to the office about an hour ago.

and now i've got another project to see to today. there are various parts of it that are on-going. it makes me go cross-eyed. but if i can get through today . . . then hopefully the rest of the week will be a breeze.

but is it obvious? can you tell? that i think i'm . . . starting to like my job . . . ?

:-T

it seriously is the people. they are great. as i mentioned before, i work in an executive-level office. it's all higher-management. now, if i worked in one of the lower-level offices, i wouldn't ever meet the kinds of people that i currently work with and interact with every day. as a result, if i wasn't here, i would think that those higher-ups are cloud nine types of people who fart perfumy air.

but being in the midst of these higher-ups is pretty cool. they're very real and laid-back and approachable -- and also pretty funny, with a weird, snarky but hilarious sense of humor.

and no, they don't fart perfumy air at all.

:-T

because they've been so great . . . i can actually see myself staying on here and seeing how far along in this particular career-path i can go.

i'm not stupid. i'm not blind. i could make a whole host of connections here that could lead to either a management position relatively quickly, maybe within a few years, or even higher than that. there was a time when i had more political ambitions than i do now. i went out of my way to use family connections to attend political and social events around town. i've shaken hands with a lot of the state and local big-wigs (although not the governator -- yet). the interest in all that kinda died away after a year or so. i felt kinda lost, a little emotionally disengaged, i felt like yet another poser with a phony smile. plus there seemed to be a lot of people who were in the same boat as me, trying to meet important people and establish connections (although i think i was genuinely better at it than they :-T). so i stopped completely and started not caring about that stuff so much anymore.

now, i still don't have that political interest. but i'm not blind to the fact that this job, in this office, allows me to make friends with people i wouldn't have had the opportunity to meet outside of this job, in this office. and just by doing my job, keeping my nose to the grind, and doing everything and anything they give me as well as i can, that's enough to keep these friends with me on my side.

it's strange how these things fall into your lap when you least expect it.

but am i looking for that kind of stuff?

if you couldn't tell by now, my answer is . . . "nah." ;) seriously, i'm happiest when reading and writing. i'm anti-social a lot -- but especially more so lately. i'm just hating most people lately.

but i especially hate having to put on masks. i can do it and do it well -- but the fact that it comes so easily to me is why i don't like doing it (macchiavelli totally was right in the prince. i've already conquered the challenge of having most people like me without really trying for it; now, i'm all for trying to get people to like me without having to wear a mask and who won't necessarily hate what they see when i decide to forgo one.

:-T

one of the women who originally interviewed me, then suggested me over to my current boss, stayed late and helped me get some tasks done on friday. i think she has a minor crush on me. she is in her forties, i would guess, and i just found out, after a few weeks of working here, that she is also a big lezzie, whose partner is also one of the higher-ups in my building. anyhow it's not a crush that she would act on -- but she totally loves me and it's obvious.

as we worked friday evening, she made a few interesting comments. nothing worth getting into, but what struck me was just how selfless the people in this office are, on a professional level. they really do look out for each other in the most genuine way. that's why i think it'd be great to stay on here -- you just don't get that kind of atmosphere and comeraderie in many offices these days.

and it's just so new to me. every place i've worked at has always had this edge to them. it's competitive/distrustful/suspicious. but when you think about it, the nature of those jobs required the office to be that way. when i clerked for the family law attorney, distrustfulness is required -- at least when it came to opposing parties and counsel. divorcing/separating couples can be quite mean to each other, and while you remain distanced from it, you can't help but end up feeling quite fervent about the party you represent.

when i was an auditor for the state auditor's office, distrustfulness was required there, too -- at least when it came to auditing other agencies. we kinda prided ourselves on being objective and neutral -- and the agency personnel we audited, even though we weren't auditing them per se, stil could be pretty uncooperative at times and took our presence there personally. i always ended up feeling pretty apologetic when i had to ask staff to meet with me or to provide me with docs. i knew they felt like i was trespassing on their turf, and i just didn't want to make things even more tense than they had to be. and it really wasn't -- for the most part, they were pretty nice about it. but it just went with the territory as an auditor to be regarded as an unwelcome trespasser.

and then same with my last (real) job working for an eeo office for a state agency. the head of the office expounded to us the importance of maintaining objectivity when investigating eeo claims. we weren't loyal to the employees or the organization. of course, when it came to the internal dynamics of that particular eeo office, i guess we weren't exactly loyal to each other, either. but it just goes to illuminate just how weird but good it feels to be in this particular office. everyone is just friends. like, for real

*weirded-out look in abbagirl's eyes*

what implication does this have on my bar exam ambitions? perhaps not much. but seriously, i could stay on here, have fun in a positive working environment, and see how far i can go along this particular career path. but it is kind of the making-do path. it's easy, it's here. it's something to pursue if i had no other ambition.

too bad i've got at least two other ambitions, though.

seriously, it'd be nice if all my goals, both short-term and long-term, could kinda coincide and overlap. it'd make it easier for me to pursue them all as efficiently as i could. unfortunately -- that's not the case . . . .

but if i do re-take the july bar, does that mean i should have started studying by now? :-T

it's gonna cost another $ 648. i'm still up on remembering most of the substantive law and just need to refresh my memory. i just need to start going all in on doing questions all over again. i'm good on MPTs. i hadn't really prepared for them last time -- and i did pretty decent. so i won't spend much time on them.

MBEs -- i seriously need to improve my score. i didn't do as badly as i'd anticipated -- but it still sucked.

essays. good lord. my scores stunk. but what kinda . . . weirds me out is that all my day 1 scores were the same, as were my day 3 scores. like, my scores are literally like this -- day 1: xx, xx, xx and day 2: yy, yy, yy.

it just makes me go wtf?! is it possible to have straight scores like that for each day?? it makes me feel like there was no reading involved whatsoever.

what's also killing me is that i totally thought i did better on day 1's essays than day 3's. but my xx scores are actually worse than my yy scores (xx < yy). how can that be? day 3, i got flubbed up. about an hour into the exam, i asked a proctor how much time was left -- and she told me and ended up being off by ten minutes (stupid fucker!). and i ended up short-changing the third essay of that day by ten minutes and had to scramble in a panic to finish that essay up.

so how can it be that, for that last essay, i scored higher than any of my day 1 essays, a day on which i perfectly allocated my time for each question?

no comprendo. la chica estupida (yo) no lo comprendo.

>:-|

overall, i scored a little bit higher than last july's exam -- but obviously, i still have more work to do.

i should take it again. as soon as i can. it'd be so stupid to wait and put it off yet again . . . .

i won't take off much time from work though. just that week of the exam, but since things are still rather fresh, although almost stale, in my mind, there's no reason to ask for any extra time off. i just hope i can be disciplined about it. . . . but fear of failure for the gazillionth time should be enough to keep me on my toes . . . i think.

my running may suffer, though. but i'll still try to stick to my running as much as i can. speaking of, i have a race this coming sunday.

i'm really starting to get into this running thing.

:-T

work calls. . . . isn't it time to go home yet?

on giving up

early day today. i've been up since the break of dawn. being up this early on a saturday is quite rare for a sloth like me. :-T

but already, there have been lots to do -- and i still got lots to do before the day is over. . . .

anyhow . . . i just want to say thanks to everyone for being so supportive of me. you guys are the best -- lots of hugs for you all!

also a big hug to my special friend skinbeatergreg. the boy needs a couple of hugs himself, if you guys can spare any. :)

another friend of mine told me yesterday that, in a way, i didn't try hard enough in studying for this last bar. "you kinda just gave up, remember?" she asked me.

i was miffed at first. how dare she insinuate that i didn't try hard enough?

but when i thought about it, i realized . . . she may be right.

those last few weeks before the bar, i did just kind of give up mentally. physically, i still went through the routine, trying to go through questions and stuff. but in a huge way, i still ended up giving up on myself. and my chances for passing.

of course, i also hold that damned bar review course i took accountable. after all, they gave me those really old, 30-year old practice MBE questions whose phrasings and level of difficulty were nothing like those that appeared on day 2 of the actual bar exam. i still scored higher than i thought on the MBEs -- but not high enough. but it was no thanks to that stupid, overpriced ($ 2700!!!) bar review class!!

but overall, i gave up mentally. i hate having to be reminded of that. but i think it may be true. and now that someone has actually called me out on that . . . it may be motivation enough for me to want to try again this july -- just to see what can happen if i try to refuse to give up on myself this time around. . . .

. . . :-T . . . .

shaking the blues away

life is back to normal.

i am back to normal.

my phrasing of sentences is back to normal.

all is good.

i have turned comments back on. i'm not going to be miserable about the exam -- there is too much to think about and plan for. if i start getting miserable again, i will need someone to slap me. i can't let the negativity overwhelm me. i need to seriously start thinking about where i go from here.

today's the first time since the race when i can actually walk without feeling pain in my leg muscles. and for the first time this week, i'm not too completely exhausted, either. that race was really just a fantastic time, exactly what i needed to distract myself over the weekend, and i just love hanging out with my best friend.

one thing i learned for the first time this weekend about my friend, despite having known her for seven years, is that whenever she says she is "sick," especially in the context of food or whatever, it does not have the conventional meaning of "sick" -- as in "nauseous" or "feeling faint."

rather, it means she needs to poo.

like, do a number two.

take a dump.

sit on the crapper.

it hit me on saturday that this is what she meant -- she kept saying she was "sick" and stuff. and i was concerned; i kept asking her if she needed to throw up or anything. then she would look embarassed and say "no." finally, i had a moment of clarity and realized what she meant -- and then i started giggling and asked her if she meant she had to do a number two. she got embarassed and meekly said, "yes," then started giggling, too, as if my bluntness had emancipated her from her sense of mormon decorum.

i then made sure to tease her non-stop about her terminology for the rest of the weekend.

but it is my friend's mormon, proper up-bringing coming through. the girl has a very liberal streak -- she cusses, drinks, has sex freely. and she really does prefer dating black guys -- the stereotype about size is quite true, she says with a wink. but there are some rather prim habits she just can't shake. talking about taking a dump is, apparently, one of them.

that is something i've noticed with my mormon friends, though. they seriously have the weirdest nicknames for the most basic and most necessary bodily functions.

anyway, in terms of short-term plans, there are, practically speaking, a number of options available to me:

1. take the bar exam again in july.
2. take the bar exam in another state -- but in february (the deadline for signing up to take the bar in the other states i've looked up appears to have lapsed for all of them)
3. forgo the bar exam altogether and accept admissions at the grad school.
4. stay on at this job.

i also have another option up my sleeve -- i haven't mentioned it before. but i'll delve into it, when i think it has become a viable alternative.

i haven't told my mom yet. about failing it again, i mean.

it is hard.

she has always been supportive of me -- knows that i don't like being told what to do (but nonetheless often tells me anyway). where this bar thing has been concerned, though, she has always put up an especially brave front. she's proud of me for doing law school and stuff, but of course, she would have liked for me to become an attorney by now. she has stood by me, though, when i kept putting it off and defends me against anyone who would talk shit about me because of it, including her own siblings.

i want to make her happy, though, and make her proud. so having to tell her that i failed it again . . . will be hard. i know i'll see the mask slip over her face and over her eyes, and then she will buck up and say, "who cares! you do it until you get it!"

see? my mom is super cool.

what hasn't been as super cool about her is that talking to her about grad school gets to be quite a downer. she's just not down with the idea of me going back to school. if i'm not going to be an attorney, she at least wants me to stay on at this job and keep making money. there are practical aspects to that which i do appreciate. but it is not enough for me. i'm a reader and a writer with a passion for ideas. the job i have does not satisfy my passions. like, at all.

my mom's really good, though. she knows i hate it when she starts raining on my parade about grad school -- and she knows i really like the idea of getting a ph.d -- so she'll resort to more unobtrusive, devious measures to make her disagreement with the notion known.

like, whenever i talk about the grad program i got into and the teaching assistantships that are offered, she'll ask about money.

"my entire tuition would be paid for," i tell her, "and i'd get a stipend. as a non-resident, my tuition would be $ 10,000 per semester, so a TA-ship would help!"

"would you get paid?" she'll ask.

"a stipend," i say.

"how much is the stipend?" she asks.

"$1,000 or so," i say reluctantly.

"a month?"

"um, no," i say, knowing where the conversation is going. "for the semester. it's a stipend, not a salary."

"ohhhh," she'll say in a disappointed, long sound.

i swear i've had this same exact conversation with her three times by now. and it goes and ends the same way -- starting with asking about money and ending with that same long "ohhhhh."

she's doing it on purpose! she's sneaky like that!

and she does it like that because she doesn't want to get into an argument with me and have a direct confrontation. but pshaw -- i know what she's up to!!

it's not that i don't understand her point, though. i do. even if i never become an attorney and i stayed on at this job, i've currently got a mediocre but steady $ 52k/year salary -- with a promise of a pay bump in july (5%). after i get that 5%, i will be maxed out, salary-wise, within my particular job classification. so if i wanted to keep getting higher salaries, i would have to take an exam to be able to promote to the next higher job classification, where the same waiting game to get that next 5% increase continues.

seriously, the idea of doing that is so depressing to me. . . . it is a never-ending rat-race. bureaucracies are dull, uninteresting, unchallenging, uninspiring. i could play this game the rest of my life if i wanted to, if i had to.

but i'd like to think that there are more fun, more exciting options available to me as well. i'd like to think that i'm not quite done with exploring options and seeing what i can actually do with myself just yet.

:-T

speaking of this job, i still don't know, frankly, what the hell i'm doing here. i don't know why i was hired. i think i was just snatched up before i could get away (which i am totally grateful for, of course). but i think they're still figuring out what to do with me . . . .

so i'm still kinda just plodding along. i've been trying to get the few things that have been assigned to me done -- but i haven't been assigned anything of substance quite yet. and there are a LOT of slow days. like, a LOT. i don't feel very . . . important. and to tell the truth, with my bosses in and out of the office a lot, i think they are often quite surprised when they see me around. they have an expression on their face like, "OH! you're still here, are you?"

nonetheless, at the same time, a couple of days ago, the big cheese of the office invited me to a Very Important Event to be happening today: the next Head Honcho of this agency, a recent Governator-appointee, is stopping by and will be meeting with only Very Important Persons at my particular office. other than the big cheese's secretary, there are no lower level persons, other than me, who'll be attending -- not even laotian girl.

it's cool and all to be invited to such an event. . . .

pero porque? yo quiero saber. no lo comprendo. . . .

no estoy muy importante. . . . no he trabajado en proyectos importante. no he hablado con nadie. pues -- porque me invita?

hmmm. . . .

anyhow, if grad school is what i want to do, i have to think about whether i want to be going to that one particular program, out of eight, that has accepted me. from what i can gather, the program is pretty weak at the moment, has been for at least a couple of years now. a lot of the faculty have flocked away in recent years, and it sounds like the program has just been kind of plodding along.

however, they have hired new faculty who will be starting there over the course of the next couple of years, and they hope to make the program a more competitive one, like it used to be, as soon as they can.

a grad student i have been messaging has really been selling me on the program. like, the students i met in person when i visited were really cool but kind of downers -- they had as many negative things to say as they did the positives. but this other student, while still as candid as the others i met, has been painting a wholly different picture for me. he's only one year into the program, and he did confirm that there were aspects of the program that were weak -- but he was also enthused about the possibilities for the future, especially once the new faculty come on board.

so i am seriously considering grad school at this point. this guy has been a really great source -- i may need to owe him a coffee or something. :)

as for the bar exam . . . .

if i want to re-take again in july, california is my only option. it's too late to sign up in other states for the july exam.

i've only been looking in the western states for the february 2009 exam. i have a huge fear of going into the midwest and the american south. the beehive state is as far east as i am willing to go! and of course the upper east is out of the question -- i don't like larger cities, don't like being one of many small fish lost in a large sea of people. i'm totally assuming, to be clear, that if i pass a bar somewhere, i'll at least be trying to live in that particular state for at least year or so . . . .

in any case, i'm thinking maybe the golden state is not the place to be. 35% pass rate . . . . fuck.

what a way to make a girl feel like scum of the earth.

:-P

but it's like a glaring sign to me. my fortune, at least for the next few years, is not destined to be here at all. truly, i don't think so -- and it just confirms my sentiments for the past couple of years that i've been here.

i love being around my fam. i love the fact that i'm so much at home here, in a multi-cultural city where i can go out and get really good food of any type i want.

but i have been way too comfortable and way too stagnant here. i feel kinda oppressed sometimes. family expectations weigh heaviest when you're physically closer to your family. i still go out and do my own thing to a certain extent -- but i still have not felt as free as i did when i lived away from familial expectations and that kind of riff-raff.

so i really think it's an omen -- to just go.

:-T

anyhow . . . .

well, Head Honcho is about to arrive -- guess i should get ready . . . .

journeying

my grandma
makes the best mung bean sweet rice.

it makes for
a great breakfast.

apparently,
when i'm not feeling
particularly well-balanced,
psychologically,
i like to write in
stanzaic prose.

it is the same
as i am in real life,
i suppose.

when i'm feeling
out of sorts --
and don't want
to deal with
people
and the world --

i stop talking.

i don't say more
than i have to.

and so it is here. . . .

after posting yesterday,
i cried.
it was my first time
since i found out.

i waited until my lunch hour,
then closed
the door --
and cried into toilet paper
that i stole from the women's bathroom
(for some reason,
we are not provided
with kleenex).

i cried a little more
before i went home --

and then i cried myself
to sleep --
my pillow wet and warm
'neath my cheek.

i guess
i've been waiting to cry
about it --
waiting
since friday.

and i still don't think i'm done
with tears.
i am still too full of pity
for myself.

but i'm sure it's
just a phase.

is there meaning in failure?

does it mean you keep trying
until you succeed?

or does it mean
you find another mountain
to climb?
something more easily
surmountable --
more suited to
one's abilities?

how can something
i was never sure i wanted to do
still cause me pain
and make me feel
not good enough?

where do i go from here?

--try again?
--try in another state?
--fuck it all and go to grad school?
--fuck this and grad school, and just stay at my job?
--kill myself?

i can do anything --
but i will not be content
until i am there,
until i am esquired.

nothing else matters.

i was blase about it
before.
but it was kinda
a front.

for some reason,
i like frontin'.

i knew i would be disappointed --
but i did not think i'd be
this disappointed. . . .

it is bittersweet
to read posts from
other formerly suffering
repeaters --
tips on
how they studied,
how they passed.

i can't read those.

i should.

i should read them,
see if i can learn from them.

but i can't.

nonetheless,
i have to say
to those who passed,
you guys rock.
you kicked this thing's ass.
and no bunch of people deserve it more
than you guys do.

you
are free.

:)

i just wish i could have done it, too . . . .

nonetheless,
i am glad your journey
is over.
we traversed
the nightmare
together.

it's kinda like
journeying through
the underworld of hades.

we were the undead --
seeking salvation --
seeking a way to cross
into the sweet hereafter,
out of the terrible,
hopeless
abyss
of the underworld.

we sat in the ferry together,
tensely,
apprehensively,
as we glided seamlessly
across a lifeless river,
from one shore to the other --
a long journey.

and finally the ferry
touched shore.
and the few
who had sufficiently paid their due
were allowed to disembark
(35% overall) --
and make their way
to the promised land.

the majority of us
(65%) who have not crossed over
must make our way back
to the other side
and try to cross over
again.

it's great to now see
a lot of you who i've journeyed with
on that other shore.

i'm waving
my goodbye
to you even as i watch
you recede
to the glittering horizon.
you are where you belong --
but unlike those who took the journey
but never encountered our troubles,
i know you'll remember and never forget
the price you paid
to make it there --
the promised land.

me --
i wave my goodbye
but cannot turn and
look away.

where you are
is such an amazing sight.

it is beautiful on that side.
i see a bright golden sun,
lush greenery,
everything a-glow with
richness
and contentment.

i can also see
the shadow of
sweet lady justice --
staff in one hand
to show she rules --
sword in the other
to mete swift justice --
and the shadowy wisp
of her blindfold
to prove that she
rules fairly,
equally,
objectively.

you are now
members of her
loathed/loved/feared
army.

i cannot turn away from the sight
there in the promised land --
i do not want to see what
i am returning to.
i already know --
darkness,
hopelessness,
fear,
disappointment,
shame.

there are those
who are not meant
to cross over.

there are those
who are destined
to remain
as they are.

there are those
who must remain
lost to the darkness.

will i ever be able
to find the light?

shall i seek the light
elsewhere?

or is darkness
where i truly
belong?

weekend chaos

today -- completely exhausted.

friday, my friend arrived.
good times.
gobbled up korean food --
and stunk of garlic and kim chi for a whole day after.

one bottle of soju --
five bottles of korean wine --
and a night of korean karaoke.
finally went to bed in the wee hours of the morning.

one of my best friends.
she knows me quite well.
my sista from anotha motha.

saturday --
so sick.
hungover.

she: tired. but okay.
me: nauseous. drowsy. unable to eat a bite.
alcohol: never. again.
voices: hoarse. raspy.

had lunch with my mom:
viet food.
(“your mom is so cute!” she later told me.
yes, she is -- i love my mom.)
my friend ate with gusto, enjoying the food.
i gave up trying to eat after only a few bites.

("i smelled kim chi all over you two,"
said my mom later. "pee-yu!")

then we went home
and played guitar hero
and american idol.
i kept beating her --
wasn't even trying --
but the victories made me feel better.

later in the day,
we headed out towards the bay.
bay to breaker race tomorrow.
we crashed at the house of a friend of mine.

sunday --
morning started off brusque and cold.
we were up at 5 a.m.
later, we hopped onto BART
to get to the city.

at the race,
super heroes, pirates,
FLDS ladies, the star troopers from star wars --
and of course, the naked exhibitionists,
some masked, some not.

one fat man even sported a small semi-erection,
seemingly delighting in the excited
gazes and laughs.
his prick was small and weak, though,
despite his pseudo-excited state.

lots of normal people there, too.
thousands upon thousands,
pushing forward eagerly.

we wore cool uniforms as well,
the nine of us running together.

we broke apart when we crossed the start line.
my friend had been itching to start running.
the morning was brusquely cold,
the skies blue and the sun bright,
but we got warmed up quickly, during miles 1 and 4.

the grey ocean fog greeted us at mile 5,
drenching us with moisture immediately --
salt from the sea and salt from our sweat
gave cool relief to our hot bodies.

then it was freezing cold at the finish.
didn’t feel the cold, though,
‘til our bodies had cooled down.
and we were left shivering and shaking
at golden gate park,
the blue skies from earlier replaced
by cold grey
and frosty winds.

after a while,
after just one cold beer,
(overpriced at $ 6/plastic cup),
with no visible break in the weather,
we made our way,
goose-pimpled and quivering,
back home.

my friend killed the guys.
she beat everyone,
by 15 minutes.
a former marathoner --
she loves running.
the guys were in awe.

they were also in love with her immediately.
she is very pretty --
korean --
long legs --
and athletic to boot.
a spoiled princess in many ways, too --
but they dug her anyway.

“she only dates white guys, huh?”
one asked me later.
she had told him where she had grown up
(potato state)
and that she had been adopted
(raised with white folk).
i nodded, even though it was only slightly true.
“she actually prefers black dudes,” i wanted to say.
but i didn’t want to rub salt into the wound.

this morning, i ache.
muscles tired and screaming.
my thighs feel amazing, though --
firm and lean.
i hope they never get thick and meaty
and cellulite-y.

and i am tired.
i fell asleep at 8 p.m.
and did not open my eyes until 6 a.m.
still not enough rest.

but do you care?
i wonder. . . .
traffic to this blog has tripled
since friday. . . .

ha! you are all curious.

you want to know how long it took
for me to finish the 12k, huh?

no. . . .
i think not.

well, if you must know,
i’ll tell you.

the answer is no.

comments are off. my e-mail address is down.

i don’t want words.
i don’t want anything.

i don’t want to talk about it.
i don’t want to hear about it.
i don’t want to be assured about it.

i have not cried.
i have not cursed.
i have not thought about it.

i have not wanted to do any of those things.

even more,
i do not want to confront how
disappointed i am
in myself.

i just keep letting myself down,
time and time again . . . .

to tell the truth, i have dreaded telling you all.
you, unseen strangers, who have seen me at my worst --
and yet you have seen nothing at all.

i do not want pity.
i do not want sympathy.
i, who have sunk so low,
have sunk even more.

but right now, my chin
is jutting out defiantly.
i will tell you if i must --
reveal my terrible secrets, if i must --
but i will not feel ashamed.

this is me at my lowest --

and yet i'm still standing,
quivering and tremulous --
just as i did yesterday after the race,
despite the relentless pummel of sharp, cold winds; --

still with some pride left --

seeing how much more it will take
before i'm down.

but the answer that you want
is no.

no.

no.

no.

no.








but p.s. --

'tis true i'm wallowing in self-pity --

but i still say
congratulations to all
whose answer is "yes."

i am jealous --

but also very happy for you guys.

you worked very hard.

and i'm just so very glad for you guys --

real, bona-fide
attorneys at law.

congrats.

ca bar exam results: one step closer to the precipice

peace, serenity, and good luck!

MySpace Countdowns

i'll be drinking tomorrow night -- and i'll be drinking to all you guys who are in the same boat as me.

cheers -- and may good luck smile on us.

:)

don't mess with abbagirl, pt. 2

you know, i've been so busy this week getting ready for my friend's visit tomorrow -- and bay to breakers -- i haven't really had time to think about tomorrow, really.

even now, i feel it's too late to really worry about it.

what's going to happen will happen. as measuring life mentioned in one of her recent posts, scores have already been determined at this point -- and doing any last-minute prayers seems rather superfluous and futile.

so i don't have any last-minute, poignant things to say about it.

although if i could, i would pretend i was the character carol ann from one of the freakiest movies of my childhood, poltergeist, and just eerily say in sing-song . . . .

"they're he-re . . . "

:-T

maybe i won't wait to check the results.

maybe i can stay at the office straight through, until 6 or so tomorrow, before going to the airport.

there's no question -- i want to know how i did.

but there is a question of whether i am capable of accepting anymore bad news. . . .

i really don't want bad news. . . .

anyway, my house still isn't ready for my friend.

i haven't done any running in about two days now.

oh, poopersnap.

:(

i also feel i am in the midst of p.m.s.-ing.

if i get my period now of all times, just a few days before having to race, i'll be so mad. i hate running while on the rag!

my p.m.s. also seems to be manifesting itself into road rage as well. this morning, during my commute on one of the country roads i use to get into the city for work, i got cut off by this obnoxious black chick in a black beemer. there were two lanes; i was in the left lane, and the right lane was about to merge into mine. the black lady had been at a bit of a distance behind me, in the right lane, and just as the two lanes were about to merge, she zoomed up and cut in front of me at the last minute.

i was mad.

there was already someone merging in front of me -- and in my opinion, it is polite to take turns in merging. each lane should give and take, one at a time. so if she had any sense of decorum, she should have gotten behind me, since another car had just found a slot in front of me.

and she very easily could have just merged in behind me. there was no one behind me for at least half a mile.

plus, we were all merging into one lane anyway. we're all going to be going at the same speed, in a single line -- so cutting in front of people is really pointless. you're not going to get very far or be in a much better position than if you just got behind me.

but that's assuming all people are rational. this punk ass bitch wasn't. she cut in front of me -- and nearly hit my front right fender.

i got mad.

because my horn doesn't work, i flashed my lights and high-beamed her. several times. and i kept doing it for a number of seconds until i saw her flip me off. i saw her hand go up even through her tinted back window.

then i tail-gated her ass.

that made her so mad.

she tried to throw me off and abruptly slammed on her brakes a few times.

psh. amateur.

i maintain my own car -- i know my braking system quite well -- and i knew how close to go.

so as i tail-gated her, i could see her flipping me off a couple more times. and the lady was literally jumping mad. like, livid.

but i've been in such a bad mood lately i didn't care. it felt good to not care.

seriously, though, i don't see how the lady could think she could be rude in traffic and not have people be rude back to her.

so i rode her ass as much as i could -- until i finally, and quite disappointedly, had to turn off to another street. i was hoping that i would get to drive past her car so that i could make obscene gestures, but unfortunately, it was not to be.

poopersnap.

can't take abbagirl down! don't even mess wid'!

it's going to be nice and warm this week. it should top off at 99 degrees fahrenheit by friday before cooling down into the eighties by the weekend.

the price of gasoline has been inching up in my town. i have yet to see regular unleaded hit $ 4.00, but i think it may happen by the end of today or the start of tomorrow. of course, super unleaded has topped the $ 4.00 mark for quite some time.

i have yet to go visit the beehive state this year. i love taking that road trip across the vast desert of nevada. but those trips get fewer and fewer each year as i realize that my emotional attachment to the hive and a lot of people i knew there has waned.

nonetheless, i'm longing for a road-trip there -- not because i want to go there per se, but because i just like taking those kinds of road-trips -- not too long, not too short, but just right. :)

anyhow, guess what: i formally made an enemy at work yesterday.

war has been declared. take cover -- peace time is over!!

it was bound to happen. laotian girl was really starting to bug me, and i was actually starting to bug her.

it's not only a personality conflict -- but a clash of social, cultural, and class values, too.

she is nice and funny -- but all our interactions were underlaid with a weird current. it was not until last week or so that i kinda began understanding why.

jealousy.

i swear i'm not trying to flatter myself. i'm not putting myself up on a pedestal, and i don't think people should kowtow to me.

but the girl has been a bit jealous of me, even before i started working here, and to be honest, i can understand.

no, i swear i'm not flattering myself! just being reasonable.

it all goes back to the ABCD's, first of all (recap: A and B interviewed me, then fought over me, but then i was snatched up by C and D).

it seems rather unprecedented (or at least it seems so, thanks to the smallness of this office) for there to be so much hullabaloo and (polite) in-fighting for a new hiree (moi). so laotian girl was curious about me, and as a result, the office technician showed laotian girl my application for the job and my resume.

confidential documents! i told my mom, who's also a state worker, and she said that was just inappropriate to do. applications contain all sorts of sensitive data, like home addresses, social security numbers, and the like.

it's really no big deal. but the thing is, i wouldn't have told anyone about, you know, the kind of education i've got, the degrees i hold. the people who interviewed me and my bosses know. but i don't go around flashing my degrees.

i came into this job as a rank-and-file employee. in short, i'm no different from anyone else as a rank-and-file employee. a lot of people, in state service in general, don't even have college degrees. even a lot of the higher-up management folks are those who worked straight from high school and slowly climbed their way up, seeking promotion after promotion.

so it really is no b.f.d. what people's education is, how little or how much.

but it's starting to become an issue for me in relations to laotian girl because of stuff that happened last week. then things ended up getting pretty tense and testy yesterday, and if i had to hazard a guess, i'd say it's because the girl is intimidated by me -- because of my education, my looks (i'm not hot -- but i think i'm cuter than she -- and definitely skinnier and healthier-looking ;) ), my superior writing and grammar skills, my better social skills, my lack of ghetto talk, my comparatively higher level of social sophistication, and because i work for the chief and had everyone fighting to have me assigned to their unit.

ya'll know i've got low self-esteem! but if even i can notice that the girl is jealous of me for all these things, you must know i'm not spinning! i'm just calling it like it is!

at the root of it all are the vast array of differences between us -- class, social, cultural, educational all that.

i swear i don't go looking for trouble. maybe it seems like it, but i really don't. and while the girl is born in the same year as me and also the same sign (cancer), that's really where the similarity ends.

there's just such a difference between her values and mine. if anyone tries to say that all asians are the same, i beg to differ -- because she and i are good examples of a counter-argument to that. laos is NOT the same as vietnam!!! if anyone ever tries to say anything of the sort, i'm going to have bust out with a baseball bat and start knocking out knee-caps!

O_O

but . . . i don't want to get into all that. i know i'll come off sounding like a vietsupremacist. ha ha! maybe in another post i should address that issue -- asians taking pride in their own particular cultural heritage and how that often can be manifested into a sense of cultural, um, superiority. . . .

:-T

but for now, suffice to say that, um, at least from my perspective, some of the stereotypes that others have told me about laotians seem to be holding true -- at least in regards to this co-worker of mine. . . .

:-T

or maybe it's just me . . . . but really, it does explain why things seem to have come to a head yesterday.

not that i care. if bitch wants to bring it, she better bring it good and hard. otherwise, i'll just be sitting back and laughing in her face at her pathetic little attempts to top me.

*evil, determined glare*

she's already begun talking shit about me to her b.f.f., that OT. it's pretty obvious.

i said "hi" to the OT when i saw her at the end of yesterday after the laotian girl and i had had the precipitating event that led to the new Cold War. the OT is ghetto, too -- and something i noticed about her, right after i met her, is that she doesn't have that ability to put on social masks. so when i said hi to her, i could see her eyes flit nervously, and she looked everywhere but at me -- just like she did during my first week of work when she didn't know what to make of me. i had thought that she began warming up to me since then because she had stopped flitting her eyes around the more we got to know each other -- but now she's back to being corrupted by the laotian girl.

psh. not that it's a loss to me to lose either of those girl's company. but it is just funny to me that i now have enemies. i rarely ever have enemies. people just tend to like me too much to want to be my enemy, even if i treat 'em badly.

what makes me laugh even more, though, is that even if these two girls work together to try to bring me down, they won't be able to. there's no way. i know exactly how laotian girl thinks -- and i know how she likes to create drama, tattle on other co-workers, and put herself on top. it's pathetic really.

but that's why no pathetic girl like her will ever be able to bring someone like me down.

i ain't no "real" attorney, i ain't makin' bank, i ain't high up on the totem pole -- but what i am is better than that girl in every possible way.

uh-huh. yeah. that's right.

:)

being the ultimate, truest type of feminist -- and putting money where my mouth is

i'm pooped.

is it natural to have a desire to quit your job soon after you start working a new one?

just wondering. it always seems to happen to me.

i'm in an okay situation and all -- but i'm already having fantasies of quitting.

:-T

i put in a good run at the gym today, despite being sore all over the place. after my run, i am in just a tad bit more pain than i was before. but it's a good pain. i haven't felt this achy all over the place in a long time. i think the last time was when i was still playing tennis competitively. serving, lunging, smashing, forehands and backhands -- all that seriously is a great work-out. i do miss it.

anyhow, what's good is that the run cleared my mind. and i'm realizing how shallow i sound a couple of posts ago. . . .

i admit it -- i can be shallow. but i direct it mostly at myself. i'm hard on myself in a number of ways. i have a tendency (if it's not obvious by now) to be self-deprecating. i react and anticipate my own short-comings before other people can point them out to me, criticize me for them. i'm sure it's a self-defense mechanism i acquired as a young 'un. i was always a pretty sensitive kid, and i hated so much to disappoint. . . . so any time i knew criticism would be directed at me, i would anticipate it, try to head it off, and try to make amends.

obviously it's something i now carry with me and should do a better job of controlling. this self-negativity thing does get to be rather old sometimes. . . . :-T

there is something about myself i mention every now and then on this blog, but i do not mention in EVERY post because i'm not an in-your-face kind of person. i am what i am. i could be better in so many ways, but i am exactly what i am. obviously, one of the things i am is a gay vietgrrl (which is a rarity -- seriously, find me another gay vietgrrl, and i'll give you ten bucks). i'm a girl who's attracted to girls.

but i'm also a late-bloomer. i finally admitted to myself that i was gay after a really long time of denying it. and to this day, i still haven't completely come out. . . . and because i came out to myself so late, i still have all the feelings of insecurity that come from trying to be a girl that other guys would find attractive. it's not that i wanted to please the guy per se; i just wanted to seem like i was good enough.

uh-huh. major self-esteem issues and shit.

anyway, as a gaygrrl, life is different, and even though i'm not completely out, i feel better and more confident that my life is more me than my life before. of course, though, i don't do rainbows. i don't have strange buzz-cut hair-dos. i don't wear those long, boxy men's shorts. i don't wear birkenstocks. i don't have gruff, manly mannerisms. i'm just a twenty-something girl who lives in a tits-and-ass kind of society and who often laments, after being bombarded with one tits-and-ass image after another, that she didn't have the typical ideal tits-and-ass proportions.

in me, i have all these social (read: hetero) constructs engrained in my mind that i have to make a conscious effort to fight against. all these constructs and stereotypes tell me that girls should look a certain way and act a certain way. these images are governed by the male gaze and objectify women in the worst possible way.

and so yeah, being immersed in all this pop culture crap (i really should stop reading celebrity gossip :-T) makes me lose perspective. so when i see that i don't exactly measure up to the hot chicks i see on the boob tube or big screen, i can take it seriously and start getting down on myself.

now, don't get me wrong. i ain't no conformist. like, i don't go out of my way to be decked out in all abercrombie & fitch or to look like those high-maintenance asian girls who wear impeccable (i.e., too much) makeup and make sure to get a mani and pedi every week.

dude. i grew up a tomboy. i keep my nails short to this very day. :-T

but i do play by the rules -- and i do get a kick out of doing so. and i know i can take it to the extreme as much as any other self-absorbed modern chick. i'm rather femme. i have femme tastes. like, i have long, straight hair, i shave my bits regularly, i put my shoes on like anyone else, one heel at a time. and although i only have a modest collection of make-up, it works for me, and i love putting it on and watching the colors blend magically into each other.

but even if i wasn't femme, i'd still be sensitive to the fact that i'm "supposed" to look a certain way, act a certain way, giggle a certain way, lower my eyes modestly at certain times. i know that if there's a cute girl in the office who dresses great and looks stunning, i will be unable to keep from surreptitiously stealing glances at her and admiring how she looks -- but also still feel a kind of competition to make sure i at least try to look as good as her.

gaygrrls are the ultimate, true feminists in a way. they appreciate femininity in every possible way, and the appreciation is deepened by the fact that they are indeed women, too.

my point is that i know i am hard on myself -- not just when it comes to looks, but when it comes to most everything. i ain't no beauty. i ain't the brainiest one in the room (unless you just put me in a room full of nfl players or something :-T). for me, in regards to how i perceive myself, the grass is always greener. the glass is more half-empty than it is half-full.

but when it comes to who i'm attracted to, i have to say that the only thing that the women i've been attracted to have in common is that they just always seemed to have it together. they were/are so much stronger in mind and spirit than i could ever be. part of the attraction is, obviously, rooted in the fact that they have this strength that i wish i had and want to acquire, and it's also because of the confidence they exude through every pore. confidence is seriously hot.

and i have been attracted to all types -- my goodness.

like, i had this one professor who was HOT. i guess she's in her late forties now, but i am sure if i saw her today, i'd still think she was a total babe. she's just a complete old school punk butch -- short hair cut, hair always bleached blond, chain wallet, the occasional tie. she's also one of the sharpest minds i've ever met. oh, the fantasies i indulged in as i sat in her class. . . ! seriously, it remains one of my favorite classes i've ever taken to this day -- but for educational reasons, too, i swear. :)

and then there was this one girl. you can't call her anything but hot mess. i was simultaneously disgusted by her yet intrigued. my infatuation didn't last very long -- and to this day remains quite inexplicable -- but seriously, despite her oddity, i was still strangely attracted to her.

and there is more i can say, but i'm tired.

sorry if i am so boring or tangential. that is just my way of saying that i recognize today, after putting that one post up, that i am still totally falling prey to certain types of thinking that i otherwise try to decry. i should want to get healthy for the sake of being healthy -- not because of some twisted notion of vanity.

that is all. ugh. i feel like holding hands with a large group of people and singing "kumbaya" now. enough of this mushy-gushy crap.

:-T

oh, yeah. about the bar results:

i still think i'm fucked.

but i'll deal with that reality friday night.

for now, i'm off to bed --

prepare for july

that's all i can think, at this point.

i'll be taking the bar again in july.

i just know it.

there are reasons why people fail the bar exam.

they get nervous during the test . . . .

or they blank out. . . .

or they forget to watch the clock . . . .

or they don't stick to the IRAC formula.

me? i fail because basically i'm just not very bright.

i read things a gazillion times. but unless there's an engaging plot line or intriguing character, i just have a hard time remembering shit.

and those mbe questions from day 2 just really had me floundering.

so . . . .

. . . i think i'll be taking it again.

which is why i'll be kinda anxious and yet not in any real hurry to see the results right away this friday.

i'm picking up my friend from the airport friday evening. we're going to go get some korean food for dinner at this awesome hole-in-the-wall place i know, and we're going to get shit-faced afterwards.

and then when we go back to my place and she goes off to sleep, i'll check the results.

that's my plan.

fitness matters

oh fuck it.

i'm on a diet officially as of today.

i had my personal training session yesterday, finally, after having had to reschedule it. i got stood up by the guy with whom it was originally to be scheduled; he doesn't even work on sunday, that jerk -- but that hadn't stopped him from agreeing to pencil me into his calendar and agreeing to see me. :-P

so instead, i got taken care of by another guy who offered his services instead, a short but burly black guy whom i later learned was about 47 years old.

it was a long session -- due in part because of the fact that a lot of time was spent just getting all my personal information down and my intended goals as far as my body was concerned.

now, i don't own a scale. i haven't weighed myself in literally years. i do know that i've gained weight since moving back to california after finishing grad school and i have not been happy about it. i just haven't done a good job of controlling my diet, either -- but not owning a scale has allowed me to put off facing reality and ignore the changes that my body has undergone ever since i stopped having to go to school.

so when the trainer asked me, once our session got underway, how much i weighed, i was being honest when i told him i didn't know. so we walked over to the scales.

dude.

i weigh 11x pounds.

i was aghast. i had gained x pounds!! i knew i had gained weight -- but i hadn't known it was that much!

but i have really bad eating habits. i'm a binge-eater. i go for long periods of time without eating a morsel, consuming maybe a couple cups of coffee and sucking on starlight mints. but there are days when i totally break down and end up eating everything in sight. on such days, even when my conscience tells me to stop eating and my stomach is close to bursting, there is still an empty pit in my stomach that tells me that it's hungry.

weird, i know. seriously, it makes me feel like i've got prader-willi syndrome.

:-T

the personal training session was kinda weird. i got along great with the guy. we were jiving and joking around like old friends within minutes of talking together. but at times, i felt like he was copping a feel at me more than was appropriate. nothing major and i don't mean to be a prude, but fingers lingering longer on certain spots than necessary, use of certain vocabulary (like, did he really need to advise me, while working with me on the shoulder-press, that the bars should be positioned across my nipples? assuming that i heard him correctly, because it's possible that i did not, why not just say "chest" or even "pecs"?). . . .

like, seriously. just a tad bit uncalled-for.

but despite those little oddities, it was a pretty productive session. he and i worked together to get at an ideal goal weight for myself, and we've come up with a nutrition plan to help get to my pseudo goal weight within the next month or so.

i say "pseudo goal weight" because the computer program would not let me try to achieve a particular weight because then i'd be, as it said, "underweight." i had wanted to lose a certain amount of poundage; it would only allow me about half of that.

fucker.

but i'll work with it for now. and if i need to lose more weight, i'll just put my general over-achieving tendencies to work. :-P

i seriously can't believe how much body fat i've got, though. there are calculators you can find on the internet that will give you an estimate of how much body fat you have based on your age, height, and weight. but seriously, those calculators aren't accurate at all. to get a good idea of one's body fat percentage, one should just go have it actually measured. the trainer used the pincher thing to measure four total areas on my body: my waist, my back, my bicep -- and somewhere else, i forgot.

:-T

so my total body fat count?

25%.

25%!!

O_O

most of the fat sits around my torso. i still look fairly slim -- but if you poked me, your finger would sink into my body like the pillsbury dough boy. my waist and back had the most amount of fat -- 20-some % -- and my bicep has the least amount of fat -- 4%.

so i've got me a weekly nutritional plan where you can eat any healthy food you want, and the computer program will just adjust the portion based on what else you eat in combination with your preferred foods. like, my plan originally had lots of dairy products -- but i'm lactose intolerant -- and so i just yanked out all the yogurt stuff and replaced it with other items instead.

because yesterday was mother's day, though, i didn't start the diet yesterday. i decided to have one last eating splurge at the restaurant of my mom's choice, and so today's the day i start the diet. i'm even eating breakfast right now, something i rarely do: about a cup of fresh fruit (watermelon cut into bite-sized pieces). for lunch, a small salad and a couple of cookies. and some goldfish crackers for my afternoon snack.

seriously, it's a whole new way of life for me right now. i love food. obviously. :-T

i'm to eat 1700 calories, and when i work out, i should try to burn 1900 calories, just to get to my pseudo-goal weight by the end of july. . . .

for me, it's just a lesson that i oughtn't take things like my health for granted anymore and that i can't trust genes or luck to help me maintain my weight at all anymore.

and i know it sounds like i'm whining over nothing. after all, i "only"weigh 11x pounds, and at least it's under, say, 120 pounds and shit. my number is "luckier" compared with other people who struggle with their weight.

and i can kinda understand that perspective, but at the same time, i say fuck it. mine is the only body i'm living with, not anyone else's. i'm still out of shape, i still have high fat content (one-fourth of my body weight is fat!!), and i can still do loads better to help myself get not only back to my ideal weight but also finesse my body so that it's leaner and toned.

yes, i'm vain, and yes, my vanity is a driving force behind this desire to get healthy. but really, i just want to be a girl who can have pride in her appearance once more. i'm better off than most people, yes -- but i can be so much better, too!

i can't wait to hit the gym this evening after work. i'm pretty sore from yesterday. the trainer had me go through the rounds -- on what he called an easy work-out -- and we went on the weight machines. he made me do a certain amount of reps on each one until i was looking up at him in hurt astonishment, but he only laughed at my facial expressions and sternly refused to have pity on me.

my next appointment with the personal trainer is tomorrow, and it's my last paid-for session, unless i want to buy more. i'm thinking about it -- but i'm still not exactly made of money . . . . :-T

and then my trainer also said something about the possibility of me still seeing him, even after this last session tomorrow, like off the books. i don't know if it's my imagination and whether i'm just flattering myself, but he seemed to say it pretty suggestively. . . .

uh . . . .

can i think about that, mister?

*looking like a deer caught in headlights -- then surreptitiously fleeing in panic in the opposite direction, into the dark of night*

:-T

celebrating my mother

best advice she ever gave me:

"going to law school would be good for you."

strange, but true. :-T

yummiest dishes she cooks:

+ bun rieu

+ bun bo

+ fried chicken

+ egg rolls

+ com bi

best thing about her:

how i know i'm the favorite daughter:

i know all her passwords and PIN numbers for everything, and i know all her secrets. and i know she just generally prefers to hang out with moi.

:-D

what she says to me when i'm in a sour mood and wants to cheer me up immediately:

after giving me a knowing look, "let's go eat some pho."

most annoying things about her:

she's a massive worry-wart, a pack rat, and cares too much about what others think and feel.

how i know i'm my mother's daughter:

i'm a massive worry-wart, a pack rat, and care too much about what others think and feel.

:-T

happy mothers' day.

updates

coffee crotch

i spilled coffee on my crotch this morning while driving to work.

good thing today's casual friday and i'm wearing dark denim and nothing light-colored. it would not do to look like i took a crap in my trousers on my way to work and am in need of depends.

i will not deny that it felt good to have something wet and warm cruising down my cootchie. it's been an especially long time since i've had that happen.

:-T

but damn me if it isn't also so damned uncomfortable to endure! i'm just glad the mess wasn't that bad and am thankful for casual fridays. whew!!!

i cleaned up as best i could when i got to work -- but i just know this smell of coffee is going to follow me around all day and end up making me nauseous.

:-P

i am such a 'tard.

the lady with the voice-box

the voice-box does not disturb me as much as it did initially. so now when i work with her, all i see is just a really nice lady with a crazy sense of humor and with whom i share an affinity for chunky jewelry featuring gems and stones.

yesterday, we were hanging out at her cube, and she was showing me the ropes on how to do some stuff. we were joking together, and something struck her as particularly funny so she heaved and guffawed particularly energetically. as she did so, the small flap of cloth covering the hole in her throat was thrown wide open, and i got a glimpse of just how big the hole was.

i hope she didn't see how startled the sight made me. and i don't mean to be weirded out. but i did not anticipate that the hole would be that big. i thought it would be kinda the size of maybe a quarter at most. but it was perhaps four or five times larger than that. and it was just a big, black void.

poor, poor lady.

some time after i saw it, she turned back to her computer to peruse through some files for me. her body was semi-turned away from me, so i was able to get a close look at her neck. there were two long, white scars on the side of the neck that was exposed to me. one ran horizontally under her jaw from ear to ear. where it ended under her ear, there was another neat vertical white scar that ran down her neck and disappeared under the collar of her blouse.

i knew she had received treatment several years ago after being diagnosed with throat cancer. i wondered if she had been a smoker because she certainly didn't seem like the type. she is an older lady -- i would hazard a guess at late fifties or early sixties. she has short reddish hair cut smartly in boy style. she is about my height, somewhere between 5'5" and 5'7", but perhaps twice my weight. her skin has a healthy pink hue.

she certainly does not seem to be a smoker type.

nonetheless, i have a massive amount of respect for her. such a strong lady and so good humored, too! she and i giggle a lot together, me loudly, she silently. i just love her carefree attitude, and i think she enjoys working with me, too.

:)

work assignments

i've been getting more stuff to do.

*discreet cough*

laotian girl

she's quite a complainer. but her complaints are hilarious. the offices' walls are as thin as paper, so we can't say much when we're indoors. so what she often does is just whisper the name of someone who's particularly irked her that day and then make obscene hand gestures with a flair. it makes me convulse into giggles.

remember my ABCD's? (recap: A and B interviewed me, fought over me, but then i got given over to C and D.) A eventually hired someone else, who i'll call E, who now shares the office with laotian girl. they cannot stand each other, but they do all sorts of passive aggressive stuff. i love laotian girl, but i just shake my head at some of the complaints that she has against E. i seriously think she helps to create some of that drama that she eventually accuses E of. call me chicken-shit, though, but i just plan to keep my head down and mind my own business. i haven't even worked a full month here yet, so i'll listen to laotian girl as she vents. but that's it.

:-T

not that i like E very much, either. her social skills aren't as, um, refined as i'd prefer when i deal with people on a general basis. she has a rather brutish, forward manner. and it might be a cultural thing (her name is, i think, iranian) or it might be a personal proclivity, but i do limit my interactions with her as much as i can.

bar results

i don't think i'll be able to check my bar results right away, as soon as they're released.

my best friend is flying in that evening, at around 7-ish. i get off at 5. bar results are released at 6. i can't go home because i live twenty-plus miles away from work in the opposite direction from the airport.

i guess i could just stay an extra hour at work and try to check results from my work 'puter.

but do i want to be crying when i see my best friend, whom i haven't seen in months and have her, a fully licensed attorney, ask me what's wrong?

she knows i took the february bar. but i think she's forgotten that results are coming out soon.

poopy shit. i'll think about what i'll do. i just don't want to ruin her first night here by bawling and shit.

weekend plans

none. whatsoever.

i'm still recuperating from my trip. did i mention that i drove all the way to and from SS ("suburban sprawl") and CT ("college town")? seriously, the drive was longer than i anticipated. my ancient monster of a car did quite well, and the drive was quite scenic and interesting. but it was just so damned long!

i reckon that i'll be doing some cleaning in preparation of my friend's visit. and i'll be doing some more running. only a week or so until bay to breakers! i'm determined to beat my time from last year!

but other than that, it'll be a quiet weekend for me. and i'm very much looking forward to it.

and that is all. ;)

paying for it

good fucking hell.

is it really only less than 9 days until bar results come out?

good fucking hell!

i've been sitting here at home, watching the jazz at the lakers tonight. oh, boy -- seriously, what a wretched game for the jazz. third quarter was better, but it's not fun spending one's time yelling at the telly. not exactly the kind of relaxing evening i expected to have the first full day that i'm back. . . .

. . . but other than that, i must say that it's good to be home. :)

i think i've made a decision about grad school. but i will still sit tight and not turn in the form that requires me to either decline or accept admittance for a while. i have until july to turn it in, so even though my mind is 85% made up, it seems premature to submit it now when anything could happen to encourage me to change my mind. . . .

because of my brief little hiatus out of town, my running has suffered. i hit the gym today. it was pretty bad. my mind wasn't into it.

i've made myself so busy these past couple of months -- including this one. there are just a few things to keep out of my mind and distract myself from, so i've thrown myself mindlessly into random activities to keep myself from thinking about that stuff. :-P i kinda feel like i've caused myself to fall asleep instead of consciously waiting for the date bar results come out. i want to say that i still feel at peace about it, but i can't deny that lately, my heart starts palpitating a bit when i remember and think about it, which has begun to happen quite a bit lately.

i'm ready to know the results now, though. i've been ready. i don't know if it will change anything about my plans -- but i just need to know out of principle. i need to know the fruits of my labor, the thing that i've worked so hard for. it's like being pregnant, i suppose. you can only gestate and carry your baby for so long until, fuck it!, you wanna know if it's going to be a boy or girl.

well! i wanna know if i'm having a boy or a girl, damn it!

anyway, i know it sounds stupid. it seems totally ridiculous. i sound like i'm mixed up.

do i want to be an attorney? or do i want to go to grad school?

to a normal person, it is a no-brainer. i'm a gazillion dollars in student loan debt that i likely will not be able to climb out of during my lifetime. i went to school and specialized in a particular kind of training that is supposed to have primed me up for a particular kind of occupation.

so what the flying fuck am i doing considering something as time-engrossing and money-wasting as yet another long-term commitment to school?

truthfully?

damned if i know!

all i know is that, career-wise, i've been driven more by my conscience instead of my passions. i went to law school for probably a number of wrong reasons, and instead of accepting full responsibility that it was all my fault for letting myself go along that career-path, i let myself languish.

i'm not letting myself languish anymore.

i already have one too many regrets at this point in my life. i refuse to let myself have anymore if i can help it.

if this means i will acquire even more student loan debt, then fine. i can live with that. seriously, the entity that owns my loans has my life in a virtual vise anyway. what's a few gazillion more?

so i think it's time for me to follow my passions for once.

and i'll pay for the repercussions of my decisions when it's time.

:-T

exploring my options

for the past few days, i've been hanging out in a new city, where the grad program i got accepted into is located. well, actually there are two towns: one i'll call SS ("suburban sprawl") and the other i'll call CT ("college town").

SS is actually the state's capital and is located about twenty miles from CT. both are rather beautiful and has characteristics that are quite unique and carry a lot of the character for which the state is famous.

in a nutshell, i enjoy it here quite a bit. if i moved here, i'll enjoy the anonymity. i don't know a soul here, and i just find it fun to forge my own existence away from everything that is familiar.

i had my meeting with the grad program director and a few other peeps on campus today. the meetings were mostly a way for me to put faces to names and to introduce myself to them. i had a few questions, but impressions are everything, and my goal in coming here was just to see if there was a vibe in the town, at the school, with the program, and the faculty and students that i could connect with.

it was both hit and miss. i thought the campus was cool. all the buildings were made of orange or yellow brick. it reminded me of the buildings at my undergrad alma mater. all the buildings at that institution -- as well as the homes located in that town -- are made of brick because it is the cheapest material available, given the region. here in CT, i thought the effect was to make the campus blend in very well with the natural setting and layout of the town.

basically during the meetings today, i learned a number of important things. one thing is that i got very different perspectives, depending on whether i talked to faculty or grad students. faculty were very optimistic about the department. there will be new additions to the faculty during the next couple of years, especially in my areas of interest, and they just really made a number of great selling points for me.

then, thanks to the grad assistant, i was able to meet with a couple of grad students who painted a different picture for me. basically, my preferred field -- american lit. -- is full of really unhappy grad students. the current faculty who specialize in american lit. is stretched thin. there are never enough classes offered.

but there are good things, too. like, a laid-back atmosphere, friendly students, teaching assistantships available for pretty much any grad student who applies for it.

whether i decide to go there or not is going to be a tough decision. . . . i learned i was actually considered one of the program's top candidates amongst my pool of applicants. learning this is, of course, an ego boost -- and yet when i consider that this program is the only one of seven that i've applied to -- and not even among my top three or four choices, i can't feel too good about myself . . . . i can't help but things in perspective like that. like, bottom line is that this school, although a research university, is probably just an average school. not the best, not the worst, just average.

either way, i do think i'm ready to re-enter the world of academia. i prefer that world over the real world. . . and it's just a matter of deciding whether this school is the one i want to be dedicating the next five years of my life to . . . .

but while i'm dreaming of the world of academia, my reality check comes in the form of realizing that there is only just over a week until bar results come out.

i have a really bad feeling about it . . . .

i'm kinda glad i have had the distraction of this grad school visit to keep my mind off of it. and yet it sucks because i feel like that may 16th date kinda snuck up on me.

please oh please oh please let me pass. . . .

leaving town early tomorrow morning. can't wait to get back home! i miss my bed, i miss my dog, i miss normal non-restaurant/non-fast food, i miss white rice, i miss normal sleep hours.

:)

the night that changed everything

i didn't like her the first time i met her.

i didn't like her the second time i met her, either.

in fact, i couldn't really stand her. it was a good number of months before i even thought she was worth getting to know at all.

she was just too pretty. too put-together. too pedantic. she had these long, lithe legs, like a gazelle. all the guys drooled over her. her skin was, of course, always fantastically and most impeccably tan -- not ruddy, not splotchy, but just wonderfully tan. she had shoulder-length dark blond hair, and she often wore cute trendy glasses that perched on the end of her pert, up-turned nose. it gave her a chic but no-nonsense, smart look, one that suited her very well.

and smart she was. which is why i initially didn't like her. i seriously never knew what the hell she was talking about. i, who had taken at least a couple of advanced literary theory courses which were full of dense and convoluted abstractions, who had struggled through the writings of the likes of kant and foucault until i was blue in the face, had to mull an extra twenty or thirty seconds over whatever she said in class just to understand what her point was. and then i'd get irritated because it would've been easier if she had just chosen more direct, more concise words instead of trying to sound like she was trying to create a new branch of structuralist thought.

i just hated the nerdy, obtuse types.

i think the feeling was mutual. i rarely talked in class, so i don't think she ever gave me much regard. so we tended to keep our distance from each other for at least a semester or so.

eventually, though, the ice did thaw. she came to class one day wearing a spectacular pair of trousers that hugged her trim waist and accentuated her slim legs, and i couldn't help but exclaim to her about them. "you look great! those pants are amazing! where did you get them?" she grinned at me, told me, "anthropologie," and said that she loved my sense of style, too. this began a dialogue that encompassed a discussion of our favorite designer jeans and places to shop.

thus was born our friendship. we began going to the same parties. she had a great sense of style and always looked fabulous, and she'd often leave her glasses at home when she went out at night. we would gush at each other over each other's clothes, and the admiring look i saw in her eyes as she looked me over i merely attributed to an appreciation for the garments i wore. we became friends. not close friends, but we did have a genuine liking for one another and learned quite a bit about each other. she learned how riled up i could get on issues relating to race, particularly those related to asian-americans, and how much of an influence my family wielded on me, sometimes unnaturally so. i learned that she was a serious practitioner of yoga, that she used to model, that she had a sister with a mental disability, and that she had a mormon past.

then one night, we were at a party at someone's house. a group of friends had dragged me to the center of the living room where we started dancing all together to some funky beat. i had my eye on this cute, dark haired guy who i kinda liked. we played on the same intramural soccer team together, but i had never really talked to him before. i was hoping that would change that night. i knew i looked great. i wore a light camisole, a white skirt, and a pair of wedge sandals that i had just bought earlier that day for the party. it was now all just a matter of hunting my prey down.

meanwhile, out of the corner of my eye, i saw my friend out of the corner of my eye. she always looked fantastic, and this night was no exception. she wore all black -- a black sleeveless top, short black skirt. her feet were bare -- i supposed she'd kicked off her shoes some time ago already. as i watched her, she began kissing the girl she was talking to. maybe i was drunk, maybe i already suspected that she liked girls, but somehow, i still was not surprised by the sight. i put it out of my mind as quickly as i noticed it.

through the course of the night, i got pretty buzzed. not drunk, just buzzed. the dancing had been fun and had helped to make me feel flushed. the guy who i'd wanted to corner had been more than game to come out onto the dark patio with me. but the he ruined the moment by murmuring something inconsiderate that i found i didn't like. we ended up going back into the house. i left him soon after we entered. i made myself a quickie cocktail, then went over to find myself a corner on the sofa where a bunch of people were sitting, resting, talking smack about professors or about marxism or derrida or whatever. i joined into the conversation.

my friend had been talking in the corner of the room with some other girl, a different girl than the one i had seen her kissing earlier. actually by that time, i had seen her kissing quite a few other girls. i was quite impressed. she was obviously in a pretty amorous mood that night, and given how pretty she was, i could see why no girl had said no to her advances. she noticed me glancing at her. our eyes held each other for a brief second, then giving me a pointed look, she smiled at me, said something to the girl she was talking to, and started walking over to me.

as she walked over to me, i could not take my eyes off her. her eyes glittered at me. i knew what was going to happen and smiled invitingly at her. i thought, "why the hell not?" she was an equal opportunist. i was actually quite pleased. flattered. i had never kissed a girl in my life. but i saw no reason why i never, ever should give it a shot -- especially if that girl was her.

she ignored the other people who were talking around me and came right up and straddled my lap delicately. her skirt rode up a bit but didn't rise any higher than the lower part of her thighs. i instinctively rested my hands above her knees. her weight was light on me. she cupped my head gently in her two hands and brought her lips to my left ear, brushing them against me, causing delightful shivers to vibrate through me.

"you look amazing tonight," she whispered into my ear, her breath warming me, tickling me.

i smiled pleased. she brought her head back around to look at me, still cradling my head in her hands. her hands were cool and confident on me. i looked into her eyes. they were a startling slate blue. i had never seen her eyes up close like that before, without her glasses. i opened my mouth to tell her the same thing. i wanted to compliment her, tell her she looked fantastic, too, and beautiful. but before i could, she had brought her lips to touch mine.

i did not expect it. i did not expect her lips to be so soft and delicate. i did not expect to feel that kick in my stomach. my heart began racing excitedly, and my mind was astounded. i could not think, except to realize just how amazing it was to be kissing her. her mouth was small, warm, tender -- her lips nipped, sucked, played with mine softly. i tasted vestiges of the red wine she'd been drinking through the night. we kissed some more, her hands stroking my neck, my hands sliding up her slight back. i remember marveling at how soft her flesh was. she was so slim and delicate from her yoga that i expected her body to be nothing but hard bone and toughness. but she was softer than i expected, and i could not stop my fingers from dancing and flitting over her body. . . . .

through it all, my mind was racing. no coherent thought could form in my mind. i was awash with different sensations, both physical and emotional. i was not supposed to do this -- but i was. i was not supposed to like it -- but i did. i did not know what to do -- so i just did what came naturally. when my lips left hers to skim across her cheek and down her neck, she let me and hugged me close.

this was the night that changed my life.