all's good

things are good.

no, really. they are.

i am taking things much better than i had anticipated. the process and anticipation themselves were what made the going difficult. but now that all is said and done, i feel so much better.

the big break-up of the household between me and my now-former roommate actually just happened. it was supposed to happen a couple of months ago, but we thought we could just make it work through the end of our lease. however, this last month of our lease has been tough. i worked to create the necessary distance that i would need in order to be okay with the break. and now that all is said and done and we have parted ways, i am actually pretty fine.

it took so long and so much out of me. but it's so great to be able to know just how fine i am with the whole ordeal over. i don't think i could've gotten to this point without my therapist. she absolutely rocks.

now that my former roommate is no longer the center of my universe, though, it's hard to get back to the swing of things. i am so used to orienting my world around others that, now that i'm on my own again, i barely know what to do with myself. but i am slowly trying to remember old hobbies that i enjoy -- reading comic books, minor arts and crafts projects, reading. even writing on this ol' blog.

most of all, however, i have been throwing myself into work. i no longer really need to work a second job, but because i enjoy the co-workers at my second gig, i feel no dire urge to quit any time soon. the long work-days and work-week are really starting to take a toll on me; i look like a zombie, and whenever my mom gets a good look at me, she starts wanting to shove food down my throat. but the tiredness is a good tiredness. the toll all the physicality takes on my body is a good distraction to the troublesome nagging thoughts that sometimes flits through my mind when i least expect it; it brings me back to the present instead of allowing me to continue to worry and fret about things beyond my control.

the whole bar exam thing is something i occasionally think about. but my therapist has encouraged me to not tackle all my troubles and woes at once and to just concentrate on getting my life and perspective all back into order. one of the main things i need to assess is if i really want to take it again and if i ever really wanted to take it at all. but that's all going to come later, for now, even though i started this blog to vent about my frustrations regarding the bar, at this time, i don't need to be thinking about stuff like that at all.

in the meantime, where does this leave me? i feel like i am in a state of hibernation. my body is going through the motions, needing to do what it needs to survive and to distract itself. but in the meantime, i am holding myself back, holding myself in, for the sake of getting myself better. as it is with most good therapy sessions, the longer i've been with my therapist, the more deeply entrenched i find that some of my bad habits, vulnerabilities, insecurities are in holding me down. at the same time, though, i feel that the one quality that my roommate has always criticized me for -- my idealism -- really is so uniquely me that it is now bubbling forth again. i always submerged my idealism, when i found out how strongly she looked down on it. but you know, there are certain things i believe in and trust in that are not jaded. and it really does feel good to not only know how strongly that idealism is felt in me but also to be able to express it freely. i seriously underestimated how much of my personality got suppressed just from being around her for so long and so often. . . .

so i'm finally on the right road that i need to be on. it feels scary and tenuous. but i'm glad to be here, now that the time has come. here's to a more favorable journey, from here on out, and this time, i am glad to be riding solo, armed with only faith and quietude, from this point forward.