enjoying the hell out of freedom

i LOVE being unemployed.

i have been having a really awesome couple of days now.

awesome enough to forget about completely blowing the bar exam?

well, okay. . . . not quite. :-P

seriously, though, other than that, life has been great. i am free to dictate how my day goes!

i go to bed whenever. . . .

. . . i wake up whenever. . . .

. . . i take my time to leisurely drink two cups of coffee while catching up on the news of the day. and then i have a toasted bagel with cream cheese for brunch. . . .

. . . and when i feel i am sufficiently awake, i head to the gym, a brand new 24 hour fitness center that opened close to where i live so that i don't have to go to the one in the ghettos that i used to go to. . . .

. . . and i stay there for however long i wish, based on how much energy i have, which this week has been a lot. . . .

it's just been great!!

:-)

and my physical endurance is picking up. before this week, i probably hadn't gone to the gym in about two or three months, seriously. but today, i managed to run two miles before pooping out, then made myself do 100 sit-ups (yes, sit-ups -- not crunches) on one of those elevated angled benches, and then worked with some 8-pound weights, including some lunges. and then it was over to the stairmaster.

so i feel freakin' great! hella sore in certain places, but otherwise better than i've felt in a long time.

admit it -- ya'll are jealous that i am having all this free time.

i'm telling you -- unemployment's the way to go!! freedom! yay!

but you know what the topper of my day is?

i just got paid today. i worked 7 full days at the beginning of november -- and i finally got paid for them.

whew! the amount on the paycheck is not much, but seriously, i can breathe a bit easier right now.

i am loving the mirrors at the new 24 hour gym i now go to. i wish i had those mirrors at home! we all know how self-absorbed and narcissistic i am, so it should not be any surprise that i happened to check myself out in the mirror while doing my crunches. i was astounded -- i looked great! i was especially impressed by how my thighs looked. like good god, are those things mine? get out! i couldn't believe it. they looked so . . . skinny . . . and strong. they looked nothing like the wide bags of lard that i am otherwise used to seeing when i look down at them.

but of course, the gym has "special" mirrors. because then i came home and looked at myself in the mirror here. and of course, the damned mirror nearly cracked to pieces.

*sigh*

this unusual health bent of mine is manifesting itself in other ways, too. like, ever since coming home from my road-trip last week (or maybe it was two week ago?), i have only touched one cigarette. and even then, it did not taste very good. so it only solidified for me just how little i desire one anymore.

and this was before seeing this post by awesome skinbeatergreg.

we'll see how long i can keep up these healthy habits. i give it two weeks, tops.

the temp office tracked me down today via phone today. the girl i talked to wanted to know what the deal was: did i want to be assigned another temp job or what?

i kind of hemmed and hawed. obviously, based on all the foregoing, i am quite reluctant to be a slave to a bureaucratic system again. i'm feeling good! i'm back on the road to living a healthy lifestyle again! why willingly let myself get enslaved by the ol' 8/40 again?

but then she mentioned that she might have a part-time position available. . . .

and so i thought, hmm. i guess i can do part-time. . . .

the girl wasn't too clear on what the job itself entailed and so she promised to call some people and get back to me by tomorrow. based on certain things she said, though, i suspect that accounting/payroll shizz is involved . . . .

:-P

another downside is that, this time, the temp position would be located about 35 miles away from my house, which, during rush hour, would take a good 60 to 75 minutes to trudge through.

at the very least, though, since it's only a part-time position, at least i would only have to worry about rush-hour in one direction, not two.

i'll keep an open mind. i'll wait for the girl to call me back tomorrow with more details. the potential accounting aspect of the job does not frighten me, nor the commute. but if it turns out that i'll be paid even less than i was before, i'll turn her down and tell her to release me from temp services.

i love being in control of my life.

;)

origins: the birth of abbagirl

a brief biography

abbagirl did not emerge from the womb as an instantaneous lover of all things abba.

in fact, for much of her early life, abbagirl was actually rather blase about abba. she wouldn't have known who abba was if abba came and bit her on the heinie or knocked her out with a disco ball.

thus, horrifically enough, abbagirl could have easily been dubbed diamondgirl instead, since she has always been an avid neil diamond fan:

the super diamond himself, feeling the passion of his own music!

or gypsygirl in homage to stevie nicks:

the early days before fleetwood mac -- long live buckingham nicks!!

or jettheadgirl because, for a time, she was seriously infatuated with joan jett:

however, the fates have simply decreed abbagirl it must be. for abbagirl, the title simply feels quite right and natural.

for abbagirl, abba is more than a band that, for a short time in music history, brought bubbly, positive, and effervescent music to the public.

the first time that abbagirl had the good fortune of listening to abba was when she was perhaps twelve or thirteen years old. in those days, her parents were finally hitting their stride as wage-earners and had begun escaping from the rather poor financial situation they had found themselves in after becoming refugees to the united states. it was now fifteen years that they had been in the united states. and at last, they had stable jobs, one as a state employee and the other as a federal employee, and they had gradually sought promotion after promotion until finally making a space for themselves in the relaxing comforts of middle-class america.

one of the ways they celebrated the new glorious powers that come from having disposable income was by purchasing a time share at a resort at lake tahoe. it became quite a boon to these parents and their three daughters to go escape to the middle of a forest and enjoy quality time at the beautiful lake.

the family would go mostly once a year, sometimes twice. this newfound retreat proved to be of such a particular delight to abbagirl. her sisters were rather disinterested in the new sights that tahoe offered, but to abbagirl, the area appealed to her rather romantic outlook on the world and on nature. she grew to be quite interested with tahoe lore, particularly that of tahoe tessie, a creature comparable to that of the loch ness monster that is said to dwell deep within the virtually bottomless lake. she also liked to take long walks, either by herself or with anyone else who cared to join her, along the shores of the lake and let the cool water envelop her feet and feel her toes mash into the wet sand.

up until and during this time of her life, abbagirl had a childhood that was fairly memorable -- both in good ways and in bad ways. by this time, of age twelve or thirteen, she had honed her skills as an appeaser, skills that she still continues to utilize successfully to this very day. she learned quite well how to read people, their facial expressions, and their tones of voice to anticipate what their next words or actions would be. by honing her skills in that area, she developed the ability to make sure that only smiles were ever shown her way, not frowns, and to diffuse any negative situations before they erupted. and she was mostly successful on that front.

nonetheless, in addition, she had also learned that the best way to get on in the world was mostly by being quiet. by an early age, it had been instilled in her the importance of staying out of other people's way. so even at the age of six or seven, she had learned to find company and much needed solace in books. in fact, her greatest memory regarding books was the day, when she was about ten years, that her favorite uncle in the world put an agatha christie mystery novel in her hand.

however, perhaps that's a story for another time.

anyhow, when abbagirl wasn't reading her books, she merely quietly observed the people around her. and it was only when she was among a few trusted people, like her mother, her older sister, or her youngest aunt, that abbagirl could give in to her innately sly and quirky sense of humor and cause people (and herself) to laugh uproariously.

in any case, although it was generally great fun for abbagirl and her family to retreat on vacation every once in a while, these vacations tended to be rather hit-or-miss. depending on the personalities and moods of certain members of her family, the trip could be an extremely fun and pleasant one or dark and uncomfortable.

but there is one particular trip to tahoe that stands out most in abbagirl's mind as being the most pleasant and most memorable. this was a time when, for the full two-and-a-half hours that the family trekked from their home in norcal to their timeshare resort in tahoe, the whole family was laughing together, making jokes, and just having a great time. even then, abbagirl marveled at it all and knew how special that time was. and as she looked out the window at all the passing bright green conifers and listened to the sound of light laughter and teasing around her, she thought to herself, smilingly, "this is exactly how a family should be." within the family car at that time, all was right in the world. there were no extraneous worries, woes, or angst to cast a shadow over the family's mood.

and what CD was playing non-stop in the car the whole time?

well, actually, there were two CDs on repeat during their journey through the mountains.

this one played while the family was still making their way out of the city:

but this is the one that played while they wound their way up i-80 and that abbagirl associates with that brief but happy time in her life:

"fernando" -- abba
the favorite abba song of abbagirl's mom

evil bar examiners

goodness gracious.

i am finally looking into all the instructions as to when and how to file to re-take the durned calbar.

i have until december 4, 2007, to file a timely application. otherwise, a late fee of $ 50 will be assessed if i re-file between december 5 and december 31, 2007, or $ 250, if i file between january 1 and january 15, 2008.

fine. i can file by december 4th. that's no problem.

i do have a problem, however, with how much i have to pay just to take the damned thing again.

don't these people realize that there are a lot of poor fools like me who can't afford it?

pretty much, i have to pay again the amount i've already paid to fail the damned thing: $ 529.00.

and then tack on another $ 119.00 for the opportunity to take the exam on a laptop.

(seriously, the calbar folks can't just go ahead and use round numbers?)

that's a total of $ 648.00 that i need to come up with by december 4th -- and still be able to do things like pay my bills and for all my basic necessities.

this leaves abbagirl in a bit of a quandry.

it is making me seriously think about taking up another temp job just to get by. a temp job would be just the thing because of how mindless the work is, and i can probably jump from a mindless job during the day to hard-core studying in the evening if i put my mind to it.

i got a voice message earlier this week from someone at the temp office. they are, oh, about four or five weeks late in returning my last voice message to them, in which i gave them notice of my intent to resign. now, the temp office wants to know what my plans are, i.e., if i'm interested in lending my services out again. i haven't called them back yet. perhaps i should keep on temping, i don't know.

my fear in working full time is that my studying would suffer tremendously. i'm generally a multi-tasking kind of girl who can keep occupied with many different things going on at one time; if i don't have my hands in different pots, i get rather bored. but studying for the bar is a full-time occupation in itself. and so the question is essentially, can i handle two full-time jobs at the same time?

if my past experience is any indication . . . well, it would be a challenge.

at the same time, it will only be for three months. surely, it won't be that bad . . . .

but do i want to risk it? only to find myself having wasted yet another precious $ 648 to fail?

that's kinda why i'm mad at the bar examiners at the moment. they really don't want to make it easy for us, do they?

seriously, not even a frickin' discount for miserable repeat test-takers?

in fact, i'd love to see that: a discount for repeat test-takers -- and for each time a test-taker has to re-take the exam until s/he passes, the discount rate should be accordingly increased.

'cause it's pretty fucked.

i'm shaking my head at all this. but i will prevail!! this is just a setback -- and what's a setback but a way for one to challenge oneself into becoming a stronger person, right?

:-P

i'm just having a period in my life at the moment when i feel that i have fallen down on my luck in so many ways and that i cannot, for the life of me, get up out of this massive sinkhole that i've managed to dig for myself. not only that, but all these problems and worries continue to pile themselves onto each other endlessly in a concerted effort to see how far i can sink down into the depths of despair.

but you know, at the same time, i'm just at the point where i can only laugh about it all. i'm at the point where i think i can finally see, far off in the distance, what i want to do and where i want to be in five, ten, or fifteen years from now. i can see it almost clearly and yet not quite. but all i know is, right now, i just have to get myself to fight through all this drudge i have in front of me so that i can get myself to where i rightfully should and can be.

know what i mean?

anyhow, if there's anything i know for sure right now, it's this:

i'm back on my ol' poor-grad-student diet.

this entails one of my favorite recipes. and hell, i will share it here, just in case there happens to be anyone out there in need of a new recipe to change up his or her customary dietary routine. please feel free to take notes and also to suggest any alternative recipes.

ready? here goes -- you need the following:

1. a pot of boiling water

2. a pack of ramen noodles. chicken-flavored is good, but creamy chicken is the best, if you can find it.

3. vienna sausages. don't hate! mystery meat or not, they're actually hella good with ramen noodles. and most importantly, you can usually find them on sale, three cans for $ 1.

4. fresh iceberg lettuce, red or green leaf lettuce, mint leaves, and/or cilantro. my mom likes bean sprouts in hers, and while i'm a fan of bean sprouts in general, i've never liked them cooked in my ramen noodles. but they're definitely an option.

5. and if you really want to live on the edge, just crack an egg into the soup and mix it around until you get something that looks like egg-drop soup.

it's delish! it's one of those recipes that is ideal for when you are too tired, too lazy, or too bored to cook anything else. and you hit all your basic food groups, too.

but you know what the ultimate poor-person meal is, right?

steamed rice.

served with a small side of salted pork. and either freshly sliced cukes or some pickled leeks to balance out the saltiness.

YUM. that's actually one of my favorite meals because of its simplicity. sometimes the simplest foods taste the best and are the most filling.

darn it, all these thoughts about food is making me awfully hungry. time for a midnight snack, i think.

bar exam results

hi.

i just wanted to let you know that i passed the calbar.



actually, no. i did not pass.

this is what not passing looks like:

or another way to say it:

you have to give them credit. the bar doesn't use the words "you failed, you fucktard!" directly. it only tells you that your name, based on the numbers you provide, is not showing up on the pass list.

last night, before the results were released, i resolved that, no matter what, after i got my results, i'd go out on the town with friends and have a grand ol' time ho'ing it up and having fun.

but you know, when it came right down to it . . . i ended up not wanting to go out at all. so i didn't.

first, i doubled-checked the results over and over again, desperately hoping that i had gotten my numbers mixed up. i must've kept typing in the numbers a good seven or eight times automatically, just to make sure, and then only sat around in dumb silence.

needless to say, my desire to go out and get drunk completely evaporated at that point. i called my friends to say that i wouldn't be going out. and then i cried a bit. and then i called my mom.

i always call her when the going gets tough.

when she picked up, i said, "i have something to tell you."

"what?" she said, sensing the seriousness of my tone.

i had to pause a bit before i could tell her, otherwise i would start crying again. "i didn't pass."

"so?" she said indignantly, without missing a beat. "so what? it's no big deal!"

i love my mom. and although she has said as such to me before, it was good to hear it coming from her, she who is the most important person in my life.

and we had a small talk about it. well, she talked. i could not speak without my voice breaking and wavering. but in short, her take on it was that it was not a big deal; that it would have been great if i had passed but i was never really passionate about practicing law anyway; that i was planning to go back to grad. school anyway; and that if i wanted to take it again, she would do what she could financially to help me out.

it was reassuring to hear that.

but after i got off the phone, i still cried to myself a bit more.

and i turned off my cell phone so that no one could get ahold of me.

it still is off. i'm just not ready to talk about it.

and plus i already know what they will say, and just thinking about all that tripe they will feed me to make me feel better just makes me angry.

and i would be lying if i said that i wasn't angry in addition to being completely depressed and deflated.

i was pissed. i still am.

i'm so angry about a number of things.

i'm mad at myself, for one. for wanting this so badly that i could cry and for caring so much about passing this one damned exam. do i want to be an attorney? do i not? i always said no. then why am i so upset? why do i feel like my world has sunk into a black hole with no possibility of being saved?

and i'm angry at my friends with whom i hung out a couple of nights ago. they both are practicing attorneys. and they had the nerve to tell me that being attorneys isn't what it's cut out to be. "you go through law school," they said, "thinking that attorneys do good work, but once you start practicing, you find that there are so many dumb shits and power-grubbing white men out there. it's not worth it. you should be glad you're not one."

and this actually led into a passionate argument from me. i didn't want to hear that kind of bull-shit. of course, attorneys are assholes. i could have them that myself in fucking law school! but what made me most angry was that they were both sitting there across from me in their professional clothes, having just gotten off work, and are each making $ 60k and $ 90k per annum respectively, telling me that being an attorney is not the shizz. i was too polite to say "shut the fuck up!", but it is amazingly condescending and patronizing. i couldn't believe they had the gall to tell me it was "okay" for me to be in this situation, having graduated from law school three fucking years ago and still making my damned living off of idiotic jobs, including that damned temp job i recently resigned from, making $ 17 an hour. $ 17 an hour!

so i don't want to hear any of that bullshit about how "you wouldn't like being a lawyer anyway." what the fuck --?! don't be saying that to me, hon'. you took the bar right after law school, you passed on your first fucking try, and now you're making fucking bank at one of the best private firms in the damned state. so don't be telling me how bad it is on your side of things, all right? fuck you!

my anger is more directed at ms. $ 9ok/year as opposed to ms. $ 60k/year. i know ms. $ 60k understands where i'm coming from more than ms. $ 90k; she's been even poorer than me, and she understands that it is just not that easy for me to be blase about not passing. ms. $ 90k understands as well, in her way, but i just found her so fucking presumptuous.

there were a couple of times during the night, as we hung out that night, when she made a pointed effort to try to get the tab for me; the bar we were at required us to order at the bar and pay with cash, and so she would jump up from her seat at every opportunity and ask me if i wanted more drinks. and then we went out to eat later, and she tried to buy me my food. i demurred, for the most part -- but the times that i did accept drinks from her only came about after i had bought several rounds for everyone else myself, too.

like, geez louise! fuck that shit! did i ask you for your money? save it! i'd rather eat off the ground!

there are many things that abbagirl is -- insecure, obviously not very smart (obviously), impractical, moony-eyed, ultra self-absorbed. but above all, abbagirl is also pathetically full of pride and does not take hand-outs, even from well-meaning (albeit pompous) friends. in fact, nothing gets her dander up more than people thinking she is in need of charitable hand-outs.

abbagirl getting into one of her rages . . . .

maybe it is just too easy to be angry at ms. $90k/year. perhaps seeing how successful she has been makes it just so easy for me to be simultaneously envious of and angry at her.

i don't know . . . . i'm just so upset right now. i don't know anything anymore.

the only thing i know is i'm taking that fucker again in february. that's only three months away. i don't have any fucking money, and i cannot afford to dedicate my life to it yet again and so soon. but i have to.

*sigh* it sucks being abbagirl sometimes.

i think my problem, when it comes to the bar exam, is this:

sure, it doesn't mean shit to be a fricking failure. and sure, if i ever do get to practice, i would likely not stay in the profession for very long . . . .

but not being licensed to practice makes me feel like a nobody. my life doesn't amount to shit until or unless i pass. and it is only when i feel like i've made the choice to not practice that i will feel satisfied enough to move on.

that's what it boils down to for me, plain and simple.

it just sucks ass to be a nobody.

so i'm cutting my vacation short and will be heading back home within the next day or so. it's time to start studying again. and so i'll be burying myself with study materials once more, with the spectre of shame being my one and only constant companion.

until then, and for ever-more afterwards, here's to the nobodies.

"the nobodies" -- marilyn manson

waiting, waiting, waiting

know what i'm thinking, as i sit around waiting for those fucking results?

i'm thinking about how fat i've gotten from the past couple of days alone.

i know. this is supposed to be a moment of pure crisis. i have things that are massively at stake. and all i can think about is my appearance?

i have a belly. the kind that you can poke with an index finger and have the flesh feel all gushy and fluid under your finger.

when did this happen?

i hate being squishy.

but at the same time, screw vanity for the rest of today! this belly of mine will only get worse before it gets better. i'm a-getting wasted tonight and am gonna drink as much as i can until my belly is to bursting. and then tomorrow i can worry about getting rid of this pilsbury dough squishiness.

cheers.

back to black

the post i put up today is already gone. i deleted it. it was t.m.i., i think. :)

my blog is going dark for at least a few days. but i will be back and at 'em hopefully soon enough.

until then, here's metallica's "fade to black."

getting lost within myself
nothing matters, no one else . . . .

an agitated rant and a prayer

dude.

i'm really scared.

bar results come out in exactly a week.

i feel like i've waited so long for the results to come out that i just don't care anymore.

conversely, though, i feel like i could stand to postpone knowing the results for, oh, a good ten more years.

i am just so nervous. nervous as hell! fuck!

i know i've talked over and over again about not caring . . . .

and it's true that i've got other plans in the works anyway, so this won't be the end-all and be-all of my existence; i'm not going to go out and kill myself if i don't pass (i think).

but god. at the same time, this is everything, everything, that i have worked hard for.

i talk breezily about how much i hated law school when i was in it, how i didn't like most of the people there.

but i still worked my ass off on it.

and when i studied for the bar, i simultaneously hated how it became the bane of my daily existence, because all i would do, day in and day out, was try to memorize all these damned rules and meticulously write out essay answers.

but i still gave it everything i had.

when something becomes so much a part of you, and you work so damned hard on it, even as you loathe the fuck out of it, no matter what you say, no matter how much you wish otherwise, it still is so very important to you. in fact, it's become you. so despite all my plans, despite all my wishes, despite my other life goals which have nothing to do with practicing law, i want this. i want it so badly. it's something i've dedicated myself to wholeheartedly, even if my heart wasn't in it per se.

i'm sorry. i wish i could not care so much about it.

but how could i not? three years of law school, then two years of trying to put it away and not think about it but having it still lurk over my shoulder, then half a year of my life studying for it, and the huge chunks of money i've paid and still owe on loans that got me through law school and paying for all the review materials and not having a nice steady job for practically this whole year . . . . how could i not want to pass and start practicing? seriously?

godfuckingdammit. so that's why i'm agitated and why i'm not myself. that's why i'm ready to get all shit-faced right now at 8:30 in the morning seven days before the results come out and keep myself in a wasted state until i somehow find the nerve to check the results on the web.

damn it.

but today is my last day of work. i must play it cool today, and then by 4:30 p.m., i can start railing agitatedly in my mind and try to find a way to not get all frickin' crazy this next week.

i brought doughnuts in for my co-workers.

i noticed that other people have brought in stuff, too.

darn it. can't i have my last day be business as usual? i'm only a temp!!

but dang it, unfortunately, they love me. and i think they really will miss me. i hope they don't make me do some damned speech or anything. . . .

*sad, heavy sigh*

ai-ya.

all praise to buddha and the spirits who lived before me and who are now my protectors in this world, please help me find the strength to patiently wait out this next week and to deal with things as they come. and please also help me find the strength to not let my dark thoughts ruin my last day of work here so that i can show my gratitude to my co-workers who have really gone above and beyond for me in every possible way and love me so wholeheartedly. help me be upbeat and happy because i really am grateful to have met them and to have worked among them, and i do not want to ruin a day that they have enthusiastically planned, just for the sake of me.

here's to the losers

have you ever felt like a loser? not just a loser, but a loser standing small?

if so, this song's for you:

"the winner takes it all" -- abba

i've always thought this a rather sad song, but watching this music video and seeing the seemingly real pain in beautiful agnetha's eyes makes me feel even more strongly the pangs of woe that she sings about. this song was written after her marriage to björn (the blonde dude in abba) fell apart. it is just a beautiful song, and she has such a beautiful voice.

and i seriously am digging her eyeshadow in the video -- it looks awesome!

i just can't get over how amazing this song is. i never tire of listening to it. because despite the hurt, agnetha is trying to be strong and sensible about her relationship coming to an end, and the lyrics show her matter-of-fact attempt to reason away her pain: the winner takes it all, and the loser has to fall. it's simple, and it's plain -- so why should she complain?

not to be all cheesy, but when i listen to this song -- like really listen to the words and her voice -- i get caught up in it. and i have to pull a kleenex out to dab unobtrusively at my eyes.

what i like most of all about the song, though, is the fact that, as much as she sings about being a loser, agnetha is anything but. you hear the lyrics, and you just want to kick the guy who threw her to the curb right in the nards. she sings about the winner taking it all, and you see how resigned she is to having lost her man. in the video, when you see her looking all vulnerable, sad, and alone, you just want to reach out and hug her.

but at the same time, a loser wouldn't be saying these kinds of things and finding ways to remain strong.

so i feel ya, agnetha. as losers standing small, we will let the judges decide -- and the likes of us will abide. but in a way, we're winners, too.

(seriously. no one can be more abba-solutely abbagirl than moi.)

lesson learned

i'm going to hell.

i surely am.

hippie sex predator just stopped me and asked if he could talk to me privately.

i was apprehensive as i followed him into the file room. talking "privately" was not a good thing; the last time he had caught me in private, he had asked me if there was anything wrong, because i'd been treating him so callously and brusquely.

once in the file room, though, to my surprise, he began saying his goodbye to me. he won't be here tomorrow, he said, but "i really like you and think you're so cool." he said he was sad to see me go.

i was immediately touched by this speech alone -- and also ashamed because of the way i have treated him and talked shit.

and then he gave me two gifts:

a glass ring, because, as he said, "i know you like wearing chunky rings."

and a tiny silver wish box in the shape of a star and that has a latch with which to keep the tiny lid closed. "i put a wish in there for you, that you pass your bar exam."

i have no words.

i'm so touched.

his words and acts have really made my week.

i am surely going to hell. i will stop talking shit about him now.

in fact, if i ever mention him here on this blog again, i will use different nickname: troll with a heart.*

so not to go all sesame street or anything. . . .

but i've learned my lesson.

and i'm sorry.

* sorry. but sweet gestures aside, he still does look like a troll. and can be as uncouth as one. but his heart, in the end, belies his appearance and manners (and smell).