going nuts on nutso

i'm on a streak. i've been expressing my feelings of crustiness more and more now.

i might be pms-ing. or this might be me finally turning into more of an assertive adult.

okay, likely it's the former. but we'll have to wait and withhold judgment on it for now until or unless another event arises.

today, what happened was i snapped at a manager.

the crazy, nutso one i was ranting about a couple of posts ago.

she was seriously driving me nuts -- almost as nuts as she. lamenting, crying, complaining, thinking the world was out to get her and that people were talking shit about her behind her back and wanting her to fail.

i was in a meeting with her for most of the day. as soon as she called me on my cell, and then e-mailed me to come and see her, i was groaning internally to myself and dreading it. but i forced myself to go.

it ended up being a three-hour meeting.

i was literally dying the whole time. it was everything i knew it would be, but made worse because i knew the same tired complaints i would be hearing and because of the length of time i ended up being in her office.

i was doing everything i could to hint to her about work i need to do in my own office and about the length of time that was passing by. any sane or rational person would see or hear me and know how much i was suffering. my body language cried out that i wanted to leave. i even told her straight out, as she kept whining about "personal attacks," that i really didn't want to hear this stuff, although i softened my words by making a light comment afterward.

but she didn't get it.

i finally managed to escape left three hours later, when it was well into my lunch hour. the meeting plain wore me out; i was just plumb tuckered. and hungry! i had a tupperware bowl of honey bunches of oats with strawberries in my cube that i had brought from home for my mid-morning break breakfast and which me and my stomach had agonizingly longing for. but it being well past noon, i skipped the cereal forlornly and went straight into the spaghetti i'd brought for lunch.

i was just pissed.

and that was only strike one.

strike two came about when the crazy nut e-mailed a one-page, size 10 font set of instructions for how she wanted me to compose a message to be sent out to a whole host of people. it might have taken her a good hour to compose this e-mail to me. i mean, you could look at it and instantly tell that just writing out those instructions and the verbiage she wanted me to use were painstakingly and carefully thought out and written.

and that made me mad because it was a waste of my time -- there were a list of things during our three-hour meeting that i was to get done, and quite a few of those items were pretty huge and time-consuming endeavors. and not only that, but seriously, the time it took for her to actually compose that e-mail to me and tell me the things she wanted me to say, she could have just easily done her own damn self!

ARRGH! that just GETS me! if she doesn't want to be out of the loop or feel out of place or like the whole world is against her, then she should talk to and communicate with people her own damn self! PUT yourself in the loop! don't remain on the outskirts like a damned chickenshit and have a low-level employee (ahem! me!) do all the stuff that you are supposed to be doing as a high-level manager.

WTF!

i am seriously befuddled and frustrated. i know she makes at least two or three thousand dollars a month more than me. and it's my firm belief that if you make a certain threshold salary, you lose the right to bitch about having hurt feelings and being so damned sensitive. in my book, if i could have a say in how the state bureaucracy should run, people like her would be gone. fired. dunzo. kaput. no need for sensitive loonies to drive other people crazy.

but that's not even strike three.

strike three came about at 6 p.m.

no, i'm not supposed to be there at 6 p.m., since i'm just a rank-and-file employee and i had already done my 8 hours. but i was there.

she called me on my cell, and we talked.

and it was the same.

shit.

again.

i swear, i'm being punished. all the loonies in the world love to talk to me. it's my fault for being so damned nice, but i am. i'm a nice person. but it's the polite and earnest kind of niceness. and for some reason, this translates into tell-me-all-your-lame-problems for those who don't really have any kind of social savvy.

so this nutso was starting it up again. at 6 p.m. when i am just beyond caring. and my nerves high. and my stress level up.

so i snapped at her.

damn me, but i really did.

and i knew that i was being rude -- but i could not stop myself. it was a surreal moment where i totally could have stopped myself -- sorta -- but did not care what i was saying nor what the consequences would be.

and did i mention i worked two days out of my three-day weekend? so yeah, i was super sick of work and the office and her.

so i kinda yelled at her in the phone. i told her i was stressed out as it was, that it was 6 o' clock and that i had worked on the weekend. and i told her that her personalization of issues, while i could empathize, was too much for me and i did not want to hear it.

as soon as i said all that or at least something similar to that, i instantly changed my tone and tried to ease up.

but it was done. i had said my piece.

she actually took it rather well. i am sure she didn't think her little issues were having any affect on me. but seriously, all that negativity -- i just could not stand it. it was fine at first, when i was just getting to know her and didn't think it'd turn into this big and this constant of an issue. but these past few weeks, having every conversation with her have all this negativity and her refusal to understand other people's perspectives and her lack of ability/willingness to de-personalize -- all this just got to me. and i got to a point where i could not deal.

the conversation ended well, though. we talked for maybe 30 minutes more, and it was fine. her voice was more assertive and her tone stronger by the end. she sounded better and stronger, and even if it was just bravado, for my sake, because of my own mental and emotional break-down, i was glad to see that she was capable of resurrecting her sense of professionalism, something i had seen in the beginning when i was first introduced to her but which i had seen nothing of since.

i think she needed to see my little flare up. i don't feel proud of it. in fact, i did and do feel bad about it. but if she and i can get to a place where i don't have to dread seeing her or talking to her, that'll be a much better place than i've been during the past week or so.

and yet a part of me is still kind of feeling good. is that terrible of me? it's just that, regardless of my ranting and raving on this blog, i really don't express that outraged, angry side of me that often in my daily interactions with people. so this display of emphatic impatience/anger/whatever is kind of new for me. in fact, i called dimples right after i got off the phone with nutso and i told her what had just happened. she was in awe and joked that she'd have to circle this date on her calendar and note on it "the day abbagirl stood up for herself." that made me laugh.

my hell.

what a day.

:-T

post-5k satisfaction

just got back from doing a 5k race this morning.

everything was nice and hunky dory. i shaved off a few minutes off my final time and finished earlier than the last couple of 5ks i did. i had gone at a nice pace, didn't let myself flag as much as i otherwise used to, and finished strong.

afterwards, i had gotten my bottled water and was about to head for the snack line to grab some orange slices when a lady, all sweat-streaked and with matted stringy hair, pushed her big ass stroller in front of me.

i waited patiently for a few seconds for her to decide whether she wanted strawberries or orange slices. i also looked to see if there was a line i should get into so that i could wait my turn for the fruits; there was none -- everyone was just cutting in and grabbing what they could whenever they could. seeing that i was not in the wrong, when i thought the coast was clear, i made an attempt to grab the orange slices.

she moved so she cut off my actions.

i waited a few more seconds again, then, seeing an opening again, i tried to go again for the oranges.

she moved her body in front of me.

i was getting impatient. i just wanted two fucking orange slices. sugar, i just wanted my stinking natural sugar, and i would be on my way.

i tried again to reach for it.

but DAMN, she moved in front of me again!

i could feel my facial features hardening. i was feeling piqued from my exertion and also getting pissed -- NOT a good combination to be feeling at the same time.

then her buddy, another matronly looking lady with bad complexion, ugly facial features, and fraggle rock-like dark hair and who was also pushing a big ass stroller, said, "hey, there's a line."

i looked pointedly around so that she would get the clue that there was no fucking line whatsoever. and with a disgusted look at the two fat cows hogging up the fruits in the line, a look that conveyed my deepest aversion and hostility about their stupid fat asses hogging up the line,.

and then i turned on my heel and, giving a toss of my head, walked away.

i went to the opposite side where the cookies were. people were randomly stepping in to grab themselves cookies, and i joined their fray.

i can very well get along without orange slices, thank you.

i don't need to watch my weight.

i don't need to bully other people around with my fat ass and a big ass stroller.

i took two oatmeal cookies and a pepsi, then began walking back to my car.

hmmph.

scary episode with a clinically crazy lady

okay, i have to do another post for tonight.

today was a pretty fucked up day.

i'm working on a project with this one other manager. she's not in my direct chain of command per se. but i'm working with her on putting together a report that's going to be filed with the court and given to various parties involved in litigation with my department.

this is the first time i've ever worked with this manager. until i formally met her, like, a month ago, she was kind of like a ghost. she moved in and out of the building quietly. she didn't talk to anyone. although a manager, she did not supervise any staff at ALL. when she arrived at work, she would go to her office, shut the door, and leave it closed all day until it was time to go home. what she did between those hours of arrival and departure, i'll be completely damned if i know.

and then recently, her ostracism, whether self-imposed or not, was slowly beginning to be erased. she was given a new project to work on by the new head honcho. her first real assignment, i believe, in a long while.

she undertook the project with great enthusiasm, i am told. now, the project was something that my boss and i had worked on before, but it was one that my boss had gotten sick of and wanted to move away from. but he stayed on the project in an advisory capacity and also as a minor contributor. and he promised her, "hey, if you need any help, you can ask abbagirl to assist you. just check with her to see if it'd be all right."

i agreed and began working with her.

and now that it's been a few weeks that i've been working with her, i must say. . . .

that bitch is fucking crazy!

O_O

i'd heard inklings before from others, both managers and staff, that this woman was not right in her head. that she was sensitive and tended to personalize any kind of unflattering comment or criticism, even if such meaning was not intentional. i defended her to those other people and to myself.

but today, for-friggin'-get it!

she's CRAZY!

we had a moment today, behind the closed door of her office, when all her craziness came through. she'd heard/suspected that not everything was going well with the report -- or that recent drafts had not been well-received by certain other members of management who had reviewed them. so today, she unleashed all the things she felt -- that these people were out to get her, they were being nit-picky on purpose, there was a secret agenda, they wanted her to fall on her face.

me -- when i hear someone get all self-centered and all woe-is-me, the objective peacemaker in me comes out. so i tried to placate her, try to make her understand other people's positions, tried to be rational . . .

but she wouldn't hear it!

instead, she got TOTALLY pissed and began yelling and ranting and raving at me, and her face got this maniacal, crazy expression, and her eyes glazed over. i mean, i knew she wasn't yelling at me personally. i could see that when she looked at me, she was not seeing me per se. i was just a convenient target for all the years of hurt and jealously and sensitivity she's been nursing for, like, ever.

but i did NOT like what i saw. i did NOT like being yelled at. i did NOT like dealing with someone who wasn't open to criticism. i did NOT like seeing that she had no room in her mind to hear other perspectives. i did NOT like being with this crazy assed person, period.

at one point, i even said, quite loudly, i'm afraid, since she wouldn't shut the fuck up, "you know, i don't have anything to do with this. i just edit whatever i'm given and i fix the language. i'm not --" i thought if i pointed out to her that i wasn't the one who had the criticism, then she'd just shut up and direct her venom to the people who did have issues and that she would just talk to them about it.

but she said, "i KNOW you don't have anything to do with them, but --" and she just kept on going. she was furious. she was trying to justify why the report, the way she had gone and done it, was accurate and good. she was whipping her own self in a frenzy with her venomous passion and obvious hatred for those particular other managers.

so i stopped talking. when i saw that she had just gone stark raving mad, i shut up. i nodded blankly, but mostly as a way to get her to hurry up, get those feelings out of her system, and move on. it took a while. and then we were kind of able to move on.

but in terms of me being able to deal with her anymore, FORGET IT. HELL no!

so that session ruined me for the day. ideally, it should have been a short five to ten minute meeting with her whereby she could give me my instructions and to-do list and then i could get out of there to get started on my tasks.

but it was a 45 minute meeting. 5% of the meeting was filled with actually things pertinent to our project. 95% of it was filled with me trying to soothe her ego and be her therapist and ending up being friggin' verbally attacked.

ugh. seriously, i have lost all respect for that crazy-assed woman.

i went back to my boss right after. i was pissed and upset, and i wanted to tell him what had happened. as i vented to him, i said emphatically, "i DON'T think i can do this again for next time. i like the project and would love to keep going on with it, but not with her. i don't want to do this again." and my boss just laughed. he laughed for a good while. he had known what she was like, and i guess he knew it would be a matter of time before i found out as well. i suppose it amused him that even mild-mannered me could exceed my limits with that shrew.

now, all of a sudden, i am hearing from other managers that, yes, the woman is crazy. as in certifiably, clinically CRAZY. i didn't tell them about her going ballistic on me, so that's not the reason for the candidness. rather, they only just recently found out that i was working with her. and their reactions were astounding. all of them have rather coincidentally used the same word over and over when it comes to describing her:

C R A Z Y

just makes me go, "well, GEE! NOW you tell me!!"

grrrr!

>:-(

:-T

falling apart

life is strangely surreal lately. my days have been such a haze, mostly because of how busy i've been at the office and other personal stuff that's been popping up lately.

to demonstrate how much of a haze i've been in this past week, i will admit that today, when i went to work, i looked like complete shit. and i was also about twenty minutes late. but i totally did not care. it took me 15 minutes to finally decide i wanted to iron a shirt instead of wearing a wrinkly one, as i was tempted to do.

and i was late. as of today -- thursday -- i have been late to work for four days in a row now. usually, when i'm tardy to the office, even if it's only five minutes past 8, i end up feeling self-conscious and embarrassed. i feel like people are watching and tracking my arrival and that they know i'm late because i slept, as if i were a total sloth.

but while i am admittedly a total sloth, my tardiness is also due to the fact that . . . i'm just tired! and i just haven't been able to keep up this week at all. and as a result, i don't currently care about how disheveled i end up looking. like, i feel it's a great big favor even being able to show up at the office at all.

:-T

it just says a lot when a girl ventures out of her house and into the great unknown of morning without giving a shit for how she looks and with full expectation of receiving poo, eggs, and expectorants hurled at her.

hurry, hurry, weekend! please be here already!

O_O

things that abbagirl has been up to during the past two weeks

1. experienced a nervous break-down at work, involving shedding tears in front of managers.
   
   
2. one-week vacation taken after having nervous break-down at work.
   
   
3. three days of one-week vacation spent in southern california, which entailed a seven-hour drive, one way, to the desired destination of redondo beach.
   
   
4. solitary enjoyment of a practically empty beach and phenomenal sunshine by the pacific ocean.
   
   
5. shock upon discovery that solitary enjoyment of a practically empty beach and phenomenal sunshine by the pacific ocean has led to large amount of sunburnt skin.
   
   
6. participated in the local breast cancer awareness 5k run the morning after returning home from the glorious vacation.
   
   
7. after run, went shopping for mother's day gift for her beloved mom at the local mall. after finding exquisite gift for beloved mom, happened to stray into a comic book shop and ended up grabbing new releases of dc comic books.
   
   
8. is now hooked to the phenomenon of reading comic books and anticipates returning to said comic book shop to buy the next installment of each of the series, including green arrow/black canary, pride and prejudice, green lantern corps, and thinks she also wants to get started on rann/thanagar holy war.
   
   
9. pleased to find her beloved mom pleased with her mother's day gifts, and content, once more, in the knowledge that she is her beloved mom's favorite child.
   
   
10. spent remainder of weekend dreading return to work, after such a glorious week-long hiatus.
    
    
11. returned to work on monday sheepish about nervous break-down during last time was at office.
    
    
12. relieved to find that work was all business as usual.
    
    
13. mentally made a note to self to not miss season finale of lost.
    
    
14. ended up missing season finale of lost, but relieved that, as usual, can catch up a.s.a.p. online.
    
    
15. started prepping seriously for additional 5ks to be run on consecutive weekends starting this weekend.
    
    
16. as a result of (relatively speaking) hardcore prep runs, starting to feel like her body is hers again and that she's slimming down and lookin' kinda good again.
    
    
17. has star trek and x-men origins: wolverine on her list of movies to go see.
    
    
18. is now worried about her friends and her own future, now that the governator plans to cut 5,000 st@te jobs soon to deal with major state deficit, with more anticipated. bulk of job cuts would impact her department the most.
    
    
19. is studying for the summer bar exam. . . .
    

and that is all. . . .

:-T

~ the end ~

respite

i am sunburnt.

:)

went on a little vacation, and i went all by myself. the beach was calling my name. my skin is feeling sensitive and itchy, but the discomfort is worth it. this is not exactly perfect beach weather, but the sun still felt great. the waves of the pacific ocean were emphatic and purposeful as they crashed ashore.

i'm driving home tomorrow. no, the trip wasn't long enough. but i'm glad i at least went out for a few days. i needed to get away for a while. nonetheless, can't wait to go home. i miss my dog!

right now, i'm watching the news. there is an update on the fires in santa barbara.

craziness.

douse of cold water

just deleted yesterday's post.

what a day.

i talked with two of my bosses about the happenings of this past friday. they listened and were quite kindly about it. but they also told me that they think things worked out well, thanks to my being assertive about the work i wanted to do.

still, i got emotional. i hate it when that happens. there's no reason to be emotional. it's just work. it's all just professional. and i must not let people know how weak and soft i am.

hate it.

but it's all good now.

time to get over things.