every time

i walk into the trap every time.

"are you busy tonight?"

"yes, but after __, i'm free."

"can you do me a favor?"

*pause* "sure."

"can you watch my kid for a couple of hours tonight?"

"uh, sure."

"i've got this . . . thing tonight."

"oh. . . . is everything okay?"

"yeah. i have . . . a date tonight."

*pause* "oh, i see. is it with -- the same person . . . ?"

"no!"

"is it a guy or a girl?"

"the second."

"oh, okay. yeah, no problem."

*pause* "how do you feel about it?"

*shrug* "it's all good. the kid and i can just hang out."

"thanks, dude. i owe you."

yeah, right.

the rationale of dreams

i rarely remember my dreams.  but i woke up pretty quickly while my mind was still in a dream state, so i remember the one i had this morning.

 

in my dream, i was taking the bar exam.  but the routine for the bar exam was different than the one that exists in real life today.  in my dream, i had hand-written my answers and was on my way to drop my test answers off. 

 

i remember being really keen and hell-bent on dropping off my bar exam answers.  i knew that was the one mission i had to get done at all costs.

 

but on the way to dropping off my test answers, i . . . think i was pulled over.  and my car was searched.  and there was something about someone having been killed and me being the prime suspect.  as my car was being searched, i could feel myself getting desperate.  i had not kill anyone, and i really needed to drop off my bar exam answers.  as i was peering in the trunk of my car with the officers, my roommate came up next to me.  she was wearing a lavendar cardigan, one that, in real life, i really like.  she was concerned and asked me what was going on.  i explained what was happening to her, and she told me or otherwise somehow let me know that she believed in my innocence.

 

time passed, and in my dream,  i was ultimately not able to turn in my bar exam answers on time.  i did try, though.  however, the deadline to turn in my answers lapsed, and i was still caught up in the murder drama.  i was frustrated that i wasn't able to turn in my test essays, but i had to keep moving because i was also on the lam.  the police were searching for me.  i made my way to my roommate's place (she had her own place in my dream and was not my roommate), and i just remember that it was a really white place.  white and clean.  and i think she had a dog that kept following me, a friendly one.  the cops came to her door, and i retreated into a back room.

 

and that's when i woke up.

 

you know what i automatically thought of when i woke up?  i knew what the dream was about.  i knew what to take from it.

 

whenever i have taken the bar exam (in real life, of course), there is always something that holds me up.  a drama that keeps me from going all the way and finishing the goal.  whether it's an internal hurdle or an external one, it always ends up getting in the way.  and i end up just not being able to complete that one mission. 

 

time and time again, that's what's happened.

 

so what's the lesson to be learned from this?

 

i am realizing that i really don't want to take the bar exam again.  i really don't want.  and being an attorney is not something that is as desired anymore.  i want to be an attorney for the purpose of making more money, because i am massively overwhelmed by my debt, mostly my student loans.  but do i want to take the bar exam?  that's a vehement no. 

 

and i have never felt so strongly about it before in my life.

mystery

she tapped a finger on my bare chest, letting her touch linger.

she went and laid herself down on my bed.

she cares so much that she gets angry with me.

she reached out for me and let me hold her.

she cried into my shoulder as i stroked her hair.

and then i think she peed in my bed in her sleep.

but even when she finally went to go clean herself, she went and came back to sleep next to me.

and still, she wants to find another girl to fall in love with.

-_-

i am not good at making decisions.

 

they stress me out.  especially when the stakes are high, then i just let the dilemma sit there and fester in my mind until it is time to make a decision.  and even then, i just ride out the wave and go wherever the waves take me instead of taking control of the damned boat myself and going in the direction i want to go.

 

often, it's just the case, though, that i really don't know which direction to go in.  i can't read myself well enough to know what it is that i want.  i really and most truly do not know my own wants, needs, desires.  i can see the pros and cons to most everything, and having that awareness of the logic of all sides contributes to my feelings of ambivalence.  i mean, i do have strong feelings about certain things.  but everything else just falls by the way-side if they are not of dire importance to me.  i just then don't know what to do with those things that i don't feel strongly about one way or the other.

 

my left eye is twitching right now.

 

another related source of stress is my lack of ability to say no.  i'm trying to put my foot down.  but it's hard for the words to issue forth from me.  i just can't do it.  and as it is, there are several people who are getting on my nerves and stretching my patience to its thinnest point all because they are being self-centered enough to not take no for an answer.

 

i really wanted to try to write about something cheerful and lighthearted.  but i think that's gotta wait until i have the right inspiration.

 

:-T

let the good times roll

i had another spot-on session with my therapist yesterday.  man, is she amazing.  she catches on really quickly with how my mind operates, and the way she summarizes my issues and dilemmas are so insightful.  for the first time ever, i really do feel that finally, there is someone in the world who sees right through me to who i am, how i operate, what my weaknesses are, and all my bad habits.  but i also do feel that she sees my merits and good qualities, too.  she is just so spectacular.  she is the kind of person i would like to have as my friend and meet with on a regular basis, just to hang out and chit-chat with; she not only comes across as very easy to talk to and interested in what i have to say but also has the wisdom and insight i need to work through my issues.  she is just so invaluable to me.  there are no words for it.

 

i asked her why it was that there were so many boys hitting on me and not any girls.  she said that i was marketing my goods to the wrong kinds of stores.  she is so great at coming up with creative, spur-of-the-moment analogies.  all of them are starting to crack me up the moment they issue from her mouth, and this one was no exception.

 

what there are also no words for is how annoyed i am by a lot of my co-workers.  i am just so unforgiving.  but i don't feel bad about it.  i really do think a lot of the people i work with are power-grubbing, pretentious, self-centered, and selfish.  and i am having quite a few opportunities to sell out and join the club.  but i don't.  i would love to have the same kind of high-level prestige that they do.  but there has got to be better ways to come out on top than that.  i don't need to sell my soul and values to get there. 

 

i am still thinking about how broke i am.  sure, i just got paid seven days ago.  but all that money is already gone or about to be gone, based solely on bills and basic living expenses.  in fact, i will be in the red quite soon unless i think of something. . . .  i keep poring over craigslist ads in the hopes of finding a new opportunity.  the only promising one i found is for part-time dish-washing at a new restaurant opening up across town; open walk-in interviews are being held next week – during office hours.  but still, i'm going to ask for time off to apply.

 

i shouldn't say that's the only promising opening i've found, though.  there is another: egg donations.  $7,000.  man.  tempting.  i know about the health risks associated with egg donations.  and that's the only thing holding me back.  but as more time passes, the better it looks. . . . 

 

fuck. . . .

 

anyhow, my next session with my therapist is not for a couple of weeks.  it makes me feel antsy to know that i am on my own until then.  i get antsy each and every time in-between sessions.  she's just the only one i can truly talk to about anything and everything.  with everyone else in my life, there always must be a facade or some sort of compromise i have to make, just from being around them.  in fact, my therapist was asking me yesterday if i could think of any person in my life with whom i didn't feel like i had to compromise so much of myself.  i had to really think about it before i could answer.  and my answer was no, i could not.  she looked really concerned at my answer.

 

okay, i am really distracted right now.  there is annoying pretentious cunt standing right behind me, talking to another co-worker.  she is hella fucking loud, and before she started talking to the co-worker, she was giving me some disrespect which i find to be uncalled for.  she is absolutely killing me right now; wish i could throttle her.

 

man.  i am just frustrated.  i am under-challenged and over-qualified for a job that does challenge me sometimes but can also be monotonous.  i don't know what i'd rather be doing, but i know i should be grateful for the steadiness and security of the work, even if the governor wants to impose federal minimum wage on state workers.

 

good times.

money woes

i am broke.

 

it's getting harder and harder to find ways to scrape money together at the end of each money.  there is only so much left that i can sell. . . .

 

it stresses me out.  it truly does.  i need to find a part-time job.  but opportunities that are suited to my abilities or work experience are so hard to find.  and i am not being picky, either; i am looking at anything and everything i could possibly do when i am not at my full-time job.  but a lot of the openings i've found have required work-hours during the regular work-day.  and that i just cannot do.

 

other than the chronic personal financial shortage, those with penises seem to be persistent in courting me.  i kinda want to just say, "homey don't play 'dat."  but that's difficult, what with me not being totally out and all.  and what's funny is that, even as they flirt with me and let me know, in their way, of their interest, they still ask me fairly directly if i am also into girls.

 

i wish i could be more of a slut.  i wish i could let myself be bought.  i wish i could let myself be taken care of.  lord knows, as time goes on, i could use that kind of help so that all my worries can be eased while also ensuring that the guys get what exactly what they want to pay for.  and i do also have to say that it feels good to have male attention and be able to hold it for an extended period of time.  but i find myself sardonically singing the chorus to lady gaga's "boys boys boys."

 

i don't know what's going on.  i am going through a weird phase where everything is falling apart and strange new happenings are befalling me.  i don't know quite what to do with them.

 

nor do i know what i'm searching for in this life.  every day, i find myself hoping for that moment of clarity when everything falls into place and i can see, in the grand scheme of things, the direction i'm supposed to be heading and all the things i need to accomplish.  but it's so hard to get that vision.  i don't know where i'm going, i don't know how i'm going to get there, i don't know who to trust along the journey and who to stay away from.

 

it's hard to make sense of things and find my path.