-_-

i am not good at making decisions.

 

they stress me out.  especially when the stakes are high, then i just let the dilemma sit there and fester in my mind until it is time to make a decision.  and even then, i just ride out the wave and go wherever the waves take me instead of taking control of the damned boat myself and going in the direction i want to go.

 

often, it's just the case, though, that i really don't know which direction to go in.  i can't read myself well enough to know what it is that i want.  i really and most truly do not know my own wants, needs, desires.  i can see the pros and cons to most everything, and having that awareness of the logic of all sides contributes to my feelings of ambivalence.  i mean, i do have strong feelings about certain things.  but everything else just falls by the way-side if they are not of dire importance to me.  i just then don't know what to do with those things that i don't feel strongly about one way or the other.

 

my left eye is twitching right now.

 

another related source of stress is my lack of ability to say no.  i'm trying to put my foot down.  but it's hard for the words to issue forth from me.  i just can't do it.  and as it is, there are several people who are getting on my nerves and stretching my patience to its thinnest point all because they are being self-centered enough to not take no for an answer.

 

i really wanted to try to write about something cheerful and lighthearted.  but i think that's gotta wait until i have the right inspiration.

 

:-T