fell down again

the past ten days or so have been real shitty. pretty dark times.

things blew up at work. in a heinous way. and it's taken me almost two weeks to recover from it all.

but it'll be okay. things will eventually work out all right.

on 6/1, i start a new job, in a new office, but in the same department. that's how bad things got -- so bad that i was given a chance to leave and go for an entirely new environment. and i took it. i grabbed that chance, found a place i was interested in, and luckily, it worked out that the place was interested in having me come on board, too. i'm definitely interested in how things will pan out at the new job. the office's role is more in line with my strengths, i think. but there will indeed be some hurdles to overcome. still, here's hoping that things change for the better....

i seriously could use a change in pace and scenery. my mood had been so steadily improving the past couple of months or so, before the shenanigans at work came down. and the drop into darkness was so deep, so overwhelming, so staggering that i thought i would be lingering there for much longer than i have. when the bottom dropped out and i was hurtling down into that endless pit of misery and woe, i couldn't take the time to concentrate and look up to see if i could find any last flicker of hope. and being down that far, i didn't want to be around or near anyone. i can't say i'm one hundred percent back on the road to recovery quite yet. but at this moment, i do feel a lot better than i have in the last few days...

the things that are so crucial for helping me to maintain my health and outlook are yoga, tara brach's audio meditations, and a fucking fantastic therapist. whether i'm heading to my yoga class or coming in for a session with my therapist, these are sessions that require me to be at the center of the activity. and i just have not had that as often as i have needed. because i've always put the needs of others before mine, i have gotten so stretched out -- to the point where i have absolutely nothing left to give. but yoga, listening to guided meditations, talking out all my thoughts and troubles with an impartial but sympathetic and insightful therapist are helping me to rebuild myself so that i can regain some semblance of resiliency so that i don't necessarily have to always put the needs of others before mine and so i can just take care of myself a little bit better.

recent events at work totally put a dent in my progress.... but i've finally hit the bottom of the pit and can't fall any further. now, i've got a new shovel in hand and am ready to start trying to dig myself out again.

reborn

wow. what a day i had.

this is the first time that i have ever had these words come to mind:

"i feel like i am being born again."

it ain't no joke. i've had enough drama these past 48 hours to make me want to spread my arms and dive into the oblivion that is the black hole of the universe. these dramas are bound to happen. each one pushes me closer and closer to the precipice. and i am so close to going over the edge that the fear is almost paralyzing. but it is inevitable that i should fall down into the pit and make my attempt to fly.

one of the major things i have done in the last day or so was write a letter. a hand-written, four-paged note on lined paper. i haven't written one in years. but it was one that i knew that i would inevitably write.

it was addressed to an old friend of mine from law school. an old, very good friend with whom i was so close. and someone i ended up pushing away from me, first because i kept failing the bar and was so ashamed of myself; and then because i was coming to terms with being gay and was afraid of her reaction. would she still love me? would she understand? would she judge me?

instead of growing the balls to just tell her and to face all of my fears, i disappeared on her. it took a long time. but i let the time and distance between us grow greater and greater, at first only incrementally and then by large leaps and bounds. to the point where i disappeared so completely, so callously, so crudely that, while she did notice my disappearance, she did not utter one word of protest or ever ask why.

and it sucks. for me, anyhow. i miss her. this very special friendship i had with her, this very special bond i forged with her, through tough times through law school and beyond -- i just let it all go. but i missed being able to confide in her. i missed her friendship, her care, her love. she is the very first friend i have ever had whom i have actually said, "i love you" to. that phrase has never ever really come easily to me.

it's been about a year since the friendship slipped away. but then yesterday, i was just so down in the dumps. i was miserable. and that misery is finally what pushed me to write that long over-due letter to her. in it, i said all the things i felt i should explain to her.

and i came out to her.

even just writing the words out was enough to almost make me start crying.

those words are just so hard to say. why is it so hard? i feel like such a coward. i prefer to recede, to hide, than to confront. and even when i do confront, it's because i have been pushed to the utmost limits that even my own will power cannot contain the emotions that have been festering inside.

i knew that, immediately after i finished writing the letter, i would have to put it in the mail. even though it was after business hours, i knew if i waited, i would chicken out from sending it. so i made sure to stop by the post office and drop it in the delivery box before i could ever change my mind. and so now it is on its way. it will be read, i'm sure, by tomorrow. . . .

another major thing happened today. i couldn't concentrate on work. i needed to talk to someone. unfortunately, my next therapy session is not scheduled until next week, and my therapist has told me, in the past, that while it is good for me to write out my emotions, i should not always be sending them to her, hundreds and hundreds of words, at a time; rather, i should continue to write them, of course, but hold on to them until our next session when i can share with her all the things that i have been thinking and feeling.

so because that option of communicating with my therapist was out of the question, i confided in another manager of mine.

i had to start by coming out to her. it seemed like the most natural thing to do and yet also the most awkward. there i am spilling out all my darkest secrets to someone who knew me only on a superficial, professional basis. i'm sure it was quite a massive inundation to her. but she handled it most well. it's crazy the good people you find you can turn to, when you least expect it but when you most need it.

so i am being reborn today. the birth is not complete yet. but i am getting closer each and every day.

drugs are good.

prozac is the shit.

i don't admit this to anyone else, except for one or two people. but here, i am proud to say that i'm taking it. and i like what it does for me.

i'm here, where i am, because it works so damned well. and when things get tough and hard to handle, as they naturally do, then instead of reacting, i take a few seconds to take deep breaths, and those few seconds get me back to where i need to be emotionally and mentally.

thanks to my therapist, i am so much more vigilant of the kinds of self-defeating thoughts that naturally arise whenever the going gets tough for me. when i think and write, i am more conscientious of how often the word "should" arises in my vocabulary. i should do this -- i shouldn't think that -- she shouldn't act like that -- they should know better. and all these "should"s are just burdensome. they impose obligations and responsibilities on myself and, in my own view, on other people, so that when i or they inevitably don't live up to the "should"s, then it feeds all the turmoil and angst that begins to curdle and stew.

i'm getting better about those just in the past couple of days that i became aware of them. what also helps is yoga. mindful practices. things like that.

i can't say i'm a whole new person yet. just today, i was going through some thoughts and emotions that i knew better than to get trapped into. but there i was, feeling all anxious and guilty about being so anxious. i don't quite know what i am going to do with myself. but i do have to say that, after a few years of being like this, if one wants to get better and healthier and stand on one's own feet rather than on the scaffolding of others, it IS possible.

just give yourself a chance. and exercise patience with yourself.

cost of living

the price i've had to pay in order to feel as okay as i do right now:

16 months of therapy.
11 months of anti-anxiety meds.

and has it been worth it?

it sure has.

mad

drama at work! wow. i just left one office to work in another. but the two offices are closely connected in that the superiors are b.f.f. and have themselves worked together a lot before both of them ending up leading these two separate offices. the boss i work for now is of higher rank than the head of the other office. but that apparently is of no consequence to them because their b.f.f. status sometimes supercedes all else.

i am in big trouble with the head of the other office. she is escalating something that shouldn't have been escalated in the first place. my own boss is aware of this stuff but has yet to throw his two cents in. i'm hoping he'll give me a chance to explain my side of the story. but the balls of that other boss. . . . to call me unprofessional and say my behavior is unacceptable? knowing how mild-mannered and always ever-so-helpful i am? that i cry at the drop of a hat? that i let a lot of people push me around? and i am unprofessional?

i am mad. i want them to bring it. buh-RING IT. i won't take this lying down. and if my own boss doesn't have my back tomorrow and comes down hard on me, i'm leaving his ass. i'm gone. i don't need this bullshit. i really thought i left all this drama behind me when i changed offices. i had really hoped that i could now begin to concentrate on developing as a professional and leave all the pettiness behind . . . .

guess not.

and the person over whom all this has been instigated? she's already un-friended me on Facebook. wow. are we, like, 14? what a gesture. how very grown-up.

all i can say is that all bets are off. i have protected her, helped her, tried to be there for her. but she's lazy, is not detail-oriented, whines a lot, and has a woe-begotten, world-is-against-me attitude. and i have tried to help her because i sympathize with her and never wanted bad things to happen to her. and this is how she repays me? seriously? seriously.

i'm mad. really mad. i can't wait for tomorrow. i can't wait to see how my boss handles this or if he even cares. if he doesn't care, good! let me handle it, with the help of another supervisor. at his level, he shouldn't have to be dealing with this petty shit. if he trusts me and understands where i am coming from, then that will be awesome. if he doesn't . . . i just gotta get out of there. but i will make sure to do so with reputation intact. and if mud gets slung around, i will and must be prepared to sling some mud back so that i am not the only one tainted.

i may be a push-over a lot of the time. but once you go too far, it's over. i know how to fight back. and i will. and you will get tore up good and hard. ain't no lie, my friend. ain't no lie.

finally, a new chapter

whoa. fast pace. i can't even keep up.

given that i now know of all the nutritional deficiencies that my body has, thanks to the lack of appetite that has recently arisen due to the addition of just a tad more stress, drama, and anxiety in my life, it is crazy that i would even think to make the stress, drama, and anxiety a more lasting part of my life. but i must be crazy indeed, because i did decide to make them a part of my life for at least the next couple of years.

about a month and a half ago, i was asked to do a favor at work: become someone's assistant for a short of period of time to help the person, who has a lot of high level meetings and a frenetic daily work schedule, do what he needed to do to be on top of his work. i was actually the third person asked; the first two who had been asked before me were not keen on taking this task on essentially because they didn't like the guy.

but i like the guy. so when i was asked, i said sure.

being someone's assistant is tough. it sounds like a pretty lowly title, having to "assist" someone. but based on my experiences this past month and a half, while the tasks i have to do aren't too complicated, everything happens really fast. i have to keep an eye on the man's schedule and make sure that his meetings go in a logical, logistical flow, i.e., i can't schedule him to be in one part of town, then schedule him to be in another part of town 25 miles away right after. then, while the man is out of the office, there are all the little fires to put out there at the home office. when will he be back? when is he free to meet? did he get a chance to read this memo? what is the status of that report? it's . . . a lot of crap to keep track of, to tell the truth.

but it's also . . . kind of fun.

stressful.

but fun.

it has an effect. my heart rate tends to go at a frenetic pace, even on the weekends, when i'm supposed to be relaxing and recuperating and getting ready for the work-week ahead. it is stressful. i have to always be one step ahead of the guy, anticipate what might happen, what he might need in order to be able to get through his day. and at the end of each work-day, i often end up staying late so that i can get everything prepped for the next morning.

but i like it. i am getting a real perverse pleasure out of this. my body isn't handling it too well, but my mind wants me to keep going with this.

that is why, when i got a job offer to come on board permanently today, i took it.

i suppose that's the danger my old bosses should've been aware of when they offered me up to help the man out. i've worked with him before, you see, and we have always had a pretty good relationship. the danger always was that i, working as his assistant, would at least meet his bare minimal standards of what he wants his assistant to do and be. and that i would want to take that on, since everything about the position appeals to every part of my personality, tendencies, character.

i'm also thinking it is a good thing to just move on in general. i've been at my old job for almost three years now. i was getting too settled in there. getting a bit too bored. and of course, with my ol' ex-roommate not only working there as well, it has been really good to get away and establish this distance.

so i feel i am doing the right thing overall, in making this change.

of course, my ol' bosses are not pleased. i think they will see what they can do to try to retain me.

it feels good to have this little tug of war. this just tells me that i put out good enough work to be wanted anywhere.

i mean, i feel bad, too, because i'm moving on and leaving so many co-workers and managers, whom i now consider to be good friends, behind.

but i am ready for this change.

on to the next.

let's do this.

:)

rain, rain, go away!

this whole time, feeling fatigued, unenergetic, like a lump of clay.

and know what my problem ultimately is?

lack of vitamin d.

i really have very little vitamin d in my blood. and it doesn't help that the sun has been seen only once or twice in the past month or so.

so i am taking supplements twice a day. hopefully, the vitamins will get my health back on track.

just goes to show how important the sun is. i never thought that the lack of sunshine could have as great an impact on my health as it has. i always knew i was a sunshine, summer baby. but my system is more dependent on the vitamin d in the sun's rays than i ever thought possible.

time to go take my supplements now.

"i don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation"

i don't do well in winter.

in winter, laziness takes ahold of me. the sight of the grey skies, the frosty, frozen tips of the trees and vegetation outside, the thick muddy pools of water hardening where they sit in the niches of pavement and dirt -- all of it makes me retreat to the indoors. i barely show my face in the out-of-doors anymore. in the mornings, when i leave for work, i hunker my head down further into the scarf wrapped around my neck so that no bit of cold seeps down into my coat. when i check in at the office, i don't emerge until 9 or 10 hours later, when i'm ready to go home. as i drive home, i am in a numb, irritated state, obnoxiously and yet not dangerously tailgating the slow idiot cars in front of me who clog up the fast lane rather than the slower lane. i enter my home the same way i exited it earlier that morning, head hunkered down and with fast steps; and upon entering, i turn on my little space heater to get the place warmed up again and try to rest for the next day.

every day is and has been the same every day. it's rather become ritualistic. i am in the rat race. i am one of the many rats.

seasonal blues aside -- life just goes on, huh? during the past number of months, i think i've begun learning how to live one raggedy day by one raggedy day. some days are better than others. a lot of the worse days have passed me by, and i haven't had as many bad days lately as i used to. i'm fine with that. viewing the world through these disdainful, unsurprised, cautious eyes, i'm fine with being free from uncontrolled chaos.

i've started to wryly joke a lot that i'm married to my job now. i have to make that kind of crack because, otherwise, i field a lot of questions about who i am seeing or why i haven't married yet or am not in a serious relationship with a guy. it's easier to be wryly dismissive than to say the honest truth.

i'm just not there yet. some days, though, i do want to just freely talk, say, with my mom and make gay jokes and talk about that last relationship i was in. i don't, though, because i'm wary and frightened. will i carry on like this forever? i really don't know. . . .

a man from work, one of my bosses, has also begun trying to cajole me into taking the bar exam again. how long has it been since i last took it -- a year? maybe more? time flies. . . . i don't want to take it again. i'm really done with it. but he still keeps cajoling. . . .

speaking of work, i think i am moving up. my pay and my status are still the same -- but i think i'm earning a lot more in terms of reputation, credibility, likability, trust. i'm ambitious enough to have that curiosity as to how far i can take this boon without losing my sense of integrity. life is quite a game, isn't it? i actually think about that quite a bit -- life, all the illusions that coalesce together to form what we believe to be reality. i often feel that i'm the only one around who notices the artificiality of it all even as i find myself still playing the game. it's fascinating to me. i sit back and observe the mechanisms of this society even as i participate in them and do my part.

is this what it feels like to not be co-dependent? i've never really not been co-dependent before. i'm still fighting those urges to care passionately about what other people think and feel about me. but every day, i feel like i do care a little bit less.

in any case, it's just so interesting for me to finally do this check-in with myself to see where i currently am and compare it to how i was before. i feel like . . . i really don't know where i'm at anymore. but i really don't care that i don't know. if that makes sense.

:-T

but i do know that i'm not quite there yet. and this time of year is enabling me to continue to kind of remain hidden and not engage too much with the outside world. maybe when spring comes back, i'll start re-emersing myself in the world, society, life again. but not until this frigid weather goes away; it's really doing a number on my desire to throw myself back out there and start having mindless fun.

all right. enough with this nonsense. now it's time for an up-beat song.