reborn

wow. what a day i had.

this is the first time that i have ever had these words come to mind:

"i feel like i am being born again."

it ain't no joke. i've had enough drama these past 48 hours to make me want to spread my arms and dive into the oblivion that is the black hole of the universe. these dramas are bound to happen. each one pushes me closer and closer to the precipice. and i am so close to going over the edge that the fear is almost paralyzing. but it is inevitable that i should fall down into the pit and make my attempt to fly.

one of the major things i have done in the last day or so was write a letter. a hand-written, four-paged note on lined paper. i haven't written one in years. but it was one that i knew that i would inevitably write.

it was addressed to an old friend of mine from law school. an old, very good friend with whom i was so close. and someone i ended up pushing away from me, first because i kept failing the bar and was so ashamed of myself; and then because i was coming to terms with being gay and was afraid of her reaction. would she still love me? would she understand? would she judge me?

instead of growing the balls to just tell her and to face all of my fears, i disappeared on her. it took a long time. but i let the time and distance between us grow greater and greater, at first only incrementally and then by large leaps and bounds. to the point where i disappeared so completely, so callously, so crudely that, while she did notice my disappearance, she did not utter one word of protest or ever ask why.

and it sucks. for me, anyhow. i miss her. this very special friendship i had with her, this very special bond i forged with her, through tough times through law school and beyond -- i just let it all go. but i missed being able to confide in her. i missed her friendship, her care, her love. she is the very first friend i have ever had whom i have actually said, "i love you" to. that phrase has never ever really come easily to me.

it's been about a year since the friendship slipped away. but then yesterday, i was just so down in the dumps. i was miserable. and that misery is finally what pushed me to write that long over-due letter to her. in it, i said all the things i felt i should explain to her.

and i came out to her.

even just writing the words out was enough to almost make me start crying.

those words are just so hard to say. why is it so hard? i feel like such a coward. i prefer to recede, to hide, than to confront. and even when i do confront, it's because i have been pushed to the utmost limits that even my own will power cannot contain the emotions that have been festering inside.

i knew that, immediately after i finished writing the letter, i would have to put it in the mail. even though it was after business hours, i knew if i waited, i would chicken out from sending it. so i made sure to stop by the post office and drop it in the delivery box before i could ever change my mind. and so now it is on its way. it will be read, i'm sure, by tomorrow. . . .

another major thing happened today. i couldn't concentrate on work. i needed to talk to someone. unfortunately, my next therapy session is not scheduled until next week, and my therapist has told me, in the past, that while it is good for me to write out my emotions, i should not always be sending them to her, hundreds and hundreds of words, at a time; rather, i should continue to write them, of course, but hold on to them until our next session when i can share with her all the things that i have been thinking and feeling.

so because that option of communicating with my therapist was out of the question, i confided in another manager of mine.

i had to start by coming out to her. it seemed like the most natural thing to do and yet also the most awkward. there i am spilling out all my darkest secrets to someone who knew me only on a superficial, professional basis. i'm sure it was quite a massive inundation to her. but she handled it most well. it's crazy the good people you find you can turn to, when you least expect it but when you most need it.

so i am being reborn today. the birth is not complete yet. but i am getting closer each and every day.

drugs are good.

prozac is the shit.

i don't admit this to anyone else, except for one or two people. but here, i am proud to say that i'm taking it. and i like what it does for me.

i'm here, where i am, because it works so damned well. and when things get tough and hard to handle, as they naturally do, then instead of reacting, i take a few seconds to take deep breaths, and those few seconds get me back to where i need to be emotionally and mentally.

thanks to my therapist, i am so much more vigilant of the kinds of self-defeating thoughts that naturally arise whenever the going gets tough for me. when i think and write, i am more conscientious of how often the word "should" arises in my vocabulary. i should do this -- i shouldn't think that -- she shouldn't act like that -- they should know better. and all these "should"s are just burdensome. they impose obligations and responsibilities on myself and, in my own view, on other people, so that when i or they inevitably don't live up to the "should"s, then it feeds all the turmoil and angst that begins to curdle and stew.

i'm getting better about those just in the past couple of days that i became aware of them. what also helps is yoga. mindful practices. things like that.

i can't say i'm a whole new person yet. just today, i was going through some thoughts and emotions that i knew better than to get trapped into. but there i was, feeling all anxious and guilty about being so anxious. i don't quite know what i am going to do with myself. but i do have to say that, after a few years of being like this, if one wants to get better and healthier and stand on one's own feet rather than on the scaffolding of others, it IS possible.

just give yourself a chance. and exercise patience with yourself.

cost of living

the price i've had to pay in order to feel as okay as i do right now:

16 months of therapy.
11 months of anti-anxiety meds.

and has it been worth it?

it sure has.