anxiety

i'm a sufferer of anxiety.

but it's gotten worse over the past few days, weeks, months.

i am trying to get a better handle on it. when my heart begins to beat way too fast, i mentally pause and start concentrating on my breathing -- deep breath in, deep breath out. in. out.

it kind of makes me feel like bill murray's character in the movie what about bob? bob, trying to get over his bout of anxiety himself, would always start muttering to himself, "baby steps, baby steps, baby steps." i feel like bob whenever i do my breathing.

but hey, whatever works, right?

the anxiety arrives and takes over my mind and body when i start thinking about things that i fear. a common trope i'm finding, with the help of my therapist, is that i have a deep fear of the unknown and a fear of not gaining approval. thanks to my doc, i've discovered that i don't really have an identity that is all my own. i don't have a sense of self that is true to who i am. instead, i've created all sorts of identities -- false identities -- that i portray, depending on who i'm with. and because i don't have my own sense of identity, whenever i lose approval or standing with someone, i suffer a kind of identity crisis and i start panicking because so much of my identity is being lost as well. and so it becomes pretty traumatic for me to experience any change in relationship or loss of people who have become really important to me.

but i am working on being better about that. working on creating my own identity. it really is pretty hard and scary, though. like, at some level, i do know who i am. i'm sardonic, i like reading, i like being challenged. i like good food. i like feeling a sense of belonging. but at the same time, so much of my sense of value and worth stems from having the approval of others. i have wanted so much to be everything to everyone. and to tell the truth, i do still get a sense of pleasure from that. when i get a compliment from someone, it really does something to me to lift me up. but now, i'm just ever more watchful and aware of that. instead of relishing that approval, i am more watchful of my own self, of my own reaction to those words, and see how it makes me feel.

i gotta be okay. i've gotta get myself to be okay. i am always tired. but i am glad that i am working my second job. my co-workers are all younger than i am, but they have such a great attitude and enthusiasm about them. that sort of outlook is definitely lost among most of the other people in my life, so it is definitely great to be able to be among that. i work there generally four to five days a week, mostly just a few hours during the weekday evenings, then a full eight hours on saturday. while i'm always longing for some extra hours for sleep, i'm still glad to be on a whole other rhythm than dimples and to be able to actually start talking to people not within our usual circle of friends from work.

as for dimples, things have gotten so quiet between us. it's not even cold. just quiet. it's hard for me to deal with and contributes to my multiple daily bouts of anxiety. but there are times when i can actually let it go and be okay for longer periods of time than ever before.

baby steps. i can get to where i need to be just fine. little bit at a time.