getting back to normal

*sigh of relief*

finally. got another call for an interview today. it's set for next monday.

i was seriously worried about the long silence that occurred between the time i started sending out job apps starting at the beginning of february until now. like, i was seriously ready to start prostituting myself out just to be able to put some food on the table!

so luckily i got this call. :)

the agency that called me appears to be in dire need of hiring someone. the thing is that the position it's seeking to fill is a limited-term one, and the incumbent will techically only be in the position for a few months. but when the position becomes approved, it'll formally become a permanent position, and the incumbent may be offered the permanent spot.

frankly, i don't care whether a position is permanent or temporary at this point. yo necessito dinero ahora!

and it sounds like a job offer will be made the same day the interview is. based on my conversation with the lady who set me up with the interview, monday morning is generally booked full of interviews, but as of today, the afternoon was wide open. so at least for now, it doesn't sound like the agency has a lot of candidates. . . . but of course, the week is still young.

i banged my shin earlier this evening. hurts like the devil! and yet as someone who has ignored most bodily discomforts for the sake of hard-core studying these past couple of months, i kinda do welcome the pain.

it's the little things, like that, that help you remember that you're human and that there are more important than some lame test.

i'm also a bit sore from running for the first time in over a month and from doing crunches. i started hitting the gym yesterday, and already i'm feeling so much better. plus, it's been fairly warm outside lately, and it's been so great to feel the sun's rays on me. i feel like i haven't seen the sun in forever. in fact, i feel like a brand new year only just started yesterday and that i now, at last, have a fresh, blank new slate before me.

yesterday was also the day i started initiating contact with real live people, other than my mom and sisters. :-P i'm on the same page as measuring life when it comes to this: it's just so hard fielding questions from others about how It went. but i know that most of the peeps in my life only ask out of concern, so i have to consciously try to be cool about it for their sake, instead of letting my reactionary, defensive emotions get the best of me. and so far, it's been cool.

but seriously, what a humbling year 2007 was for me. i'm pretty determined to not let this year be a repeat of all that crap. in fact, i've been doing some thinking, and it seems to be a fairly reasonable step for me to hold off on-retaking the bar exam, assuming i fail it again, and also hold off on graduate school for another year while i get my financial situation a little more stable again. that way, i can start being a care-free, fun-loving, productive member of society again.

i'm just so eager to start living again. and i feel that i haven't been able to do so for exactly one year now because i've had to study for and take two consecutive bar exams. working for at least this next year or so would give me the means for enjoying life once more. i'd be able to afford to travel to see all my friends, go shopping, imbibe without guilt, and all the other good stuff that i haven't been able to do this past year and that i've really missed out on.

but this isn't a decision that's set in stone quite yet. i'm still thinking about things. . . . the only thing that would probably change this course of thinking is if i actually got into one of my top three or four choices for graduate school. and then hell yeah, i'd be more than happy to drop everything and be ready to go at the start of fall semester. :)

oh, speaking of: you guys are first to know that i got my first rejection notice from one of the grad programs i applied to. uh-huh. i actually got my rejection notice via e-mail at least a couple of weeks ago . . . . but haven't told a soul about it. it would make me feel like i was confessing -- even though i have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. one of my best friends was rooting for me to get into that program that i got rejected from. i totally had a chance to tell her last night about it -- but didn't. and i still feel guilty about not telling her yet . . . but i'm just not ready to go there.

i'm weird like that. i can be hot-tempered and reactionary and go off the cuff when my emotions are provoked.

but there are certain things that i have to mull over before i can take action.

anyhow, i'm glad i can start worrying about other important matters other than the damned bar exam! it's like breaking up after a really bad relationship; you're in the relationship in order to make it work -- but when you're finally free of the relationship, you can understand how much better off you are without it.

that's how i feel about the bar. :)

now i'm going to try to stop worrying about it -- until may 16th, anyway.

:-P

;)

i need a drink -- on the double!!

arrgh!! my eyes!!

i have just seen that which should have remained unseen! a post from another bar examinee about the actual answers he wrote for each of the bar essays!!

damn it! i was hoping to remain oblivious as to what other people actually wrote!

oh, the agony! my brain has now been singed with self-doubt before i've even had a full week to recuperate! not that i didn't put similar stuff into my essay, but there is at least one thing that particular blogger mentioned writing that i didn't write about. . . .

which gets me wondering . . . .

what if i didn't organize my essay well enough? what if i got some issues, but didn't get the most glaringly important ones? what if i didn't do enough analysis? what if i put in too many facts? what if i totally screwed up the mbes beyond belief? what if . . .

. . . i fail again?!




i need a drink! a.s.a.p.!

bar exam recovery mode

what a whirlwind this past week has been.

i'm still in massive recovery mode.

i started having panic attacks the 36 hours or so before day 1 of the bar exam. i was fuh-reaking! i totally didn't feel ready and i wasn't remembering crap at all and my innards were a sloshing, queasy mess. i sat around with my outlines and muttered a lot in those last hours, and even when i was roaming around doing household chores or the laundry, i continued to mutter to myself like a crazy schizo bag lady.

if i pass, it will be because of this thing, my savior:

this book is what i turned to during the last two-and-a-half weeks before the bar. i pushed the flash cards aside, i threw my self-generated and bar/bri outlines out the window, and this book became my sole companion. it is absolutely amazing. it costs about $ 65 and was written by one of the bar exam lecturers of my bar review course.

the thing is, this book was written mostly for the california bar exam, but i still think it would be an excellent source for any other state bar exam as well. the california distinctions are made clear in the book, and at the very least, you get an idea of how to format each of your essays for each of the 14 subjects you may encounter on the exam. i did my best to follow the format of the book to the letter.

so DUDE. how about that bar exam, huh?

i've been burned before -- so that's why i'm not going to even offer predictions as to how i did, how i think i did, whether the exam was hard or whether it was easy.

i'll only say that i am so very completely, unequivocally drained.

what an intense few days.

i started thinking, right after day 1 was finished, "this is it?!"

really, you work your ass off and study your heart out for a good long period of time -- and i totally went all out this time -- but all that time and energy you invest can easily become a cloud of dust and mean jack shit the day the results come out and you find out you're not on the pass list.

if anything, what i took out of the experience of this past week was this:

this can be done.

the exam is so do-able. and that's easy to forget after you've failed and during the long time you spend waiting around and studying for the next exam. but seriously, the exam questions are straight-forward. the challenges for us, as examinees, is just to budget time and present a coherent, organized answer.

but it can be done. that's the important thing i have to remember, especially if i fail again. that's how i felt after emerging from each session: it is within my power to pass. all those statistical break-downs of who passes and who doesn't pass really doesn't mean jack or have any bearing on my ability to conquer the bar exam.

anyhow, i was really surprised that we got two professional responsibility questions. two!

not that i'm complaining. i guess.

here are the subjects we got tested on:

day 1:

• torts
• professional responsibility
• criminal law & criminal procedure

day 3:

• wills & trusts
• community property (no moore calculations! yay! *wild, raucous cheering*)
  
• corporations/business organizations & professional responsibility
  

i nearly got screwed on day 3.

i hadn't paid attention to the precise time that the exam began. so about an hour into it, i stopped the proctor to ask in a whisper what time the exam had started. "about 8:50," she whispered back.

turns out the exam had actually started at 8:40. and i didn't find this out until the last hour was called. and i freaked and began hauling ass because i was still not even close to being done with the CP question. ugh! i tell you, that 10 minutes makes an absolute difference. i finally got to the corporations/prof. resp. question when there was about 45 minutes left in the exam, and so i didn't get to fully address the second part of the question that asked about the prof. resp. issues. i did raise 3 prof. resp. issues, and i didn't get to do the 2nd or 3rd issues any justice. . . .

damn you, proctor!!

but i guess i can't fault her too much. i should've paid attention. i knew i was spending too much time on that first question! plus she's new to proctoring.

but still! i got screwed out of 10 minutes!

day 2 was hard. those were the most fucked up multiple-choice questions i've ever seen! is it just me??

there were so many questions in which i could barely eliminate even one answer choice. like, wtf?!

the morning session was hardest. at the lunch-break, i had to really fight against feeling disheartened. but the afternoon session was fine. i think i was able to answer at least the first 10 questions pretty confidently.

but seriously, i'll be surprised if i end up breaking 100 on the damned mbes. they were hard. i did about 950 practice mbe questions in total to prepare, and i don't think that did me any good. my bar review class used questions from reed's bar prep -- and the difficulty level in reed's practice questions, compared with the actual mbe questions on the bar -- well, there really is no comparison whatsoever.

one thing i noticed during the bar is that there are two breeds of people: those who love talking about their answers right after we finish a session and those who don't. i'm of the second category; i don't want to hear or talk about a thing! but the ones in the first category far outweigh those in the second.

so i'm really glad that i didn't know anyone at the bar exam. i would hate having to hear about the exam and talking about it because that would really just freak me out even more. instead, i made sure to put in my ear buds as soon as we were released after each session and start blasting music, 'cause really, people began chattering excitedly about everything. "what did you write for the second question?" "oh, my god -- i think i bombed it!" "i didn't think they'd give us professional responsibility twice!" "so that question was obviously about attractive nuisance, huh?!"

like, shut the hell up!!

and okay, it is not completely true that i didn't know anyone there. i did recognize a couple of guys from the july bar exam. plus, i saw a couple of girls i went to high school with -- yes, high school!

at first, i was relieved to see that they didn't recognize me. one is an indian girl who, i'm pretty sure, rode my bus. the other one was this one cheerleader who was pretty popular. she has brown hair, light eyes, and was really skinny in high school. i think i'd even call her pretty.

i didn't like her then. and i don't like her now -- i see the same pompous air about her that she had back then.

so i took great pleasure in the fact that she's packed on the pounds over the years -- and from the back she has an unmistakable pear shape. like, she's really let herself go!

*evil cackle*

okay, so i'm petty. but really, i need to get my kicks any way i can! i'm poor, i'm unemployed, and i'm a bitter azngrrl. if i want to be judgmental and cackle smugly at other people's imperfections, by george, let me! i get so little pleasure out of anything else lately!

;)

but even though they didn't recognize me at first, they did start giving me curious looks by days 2 and 3. i do look a bit more different than i did in high school, i.e., not a nerdy mess. :-D so it's understandable if they weren't really sure whether they knew me or not.

as for the mpts. . . . all i can say is that there was a lot of crap going on in those mpts. those are the kinds of questions that you just can't fully answer within three hours. i thought day 1's mpt was a little more straight-forward and less messy to deal with. that one was a statute of limitations question and so there were a lot of dates being thrown around. the second mpt was regarding a preliminary injunction. there are four elements to obtaining a PI, and there were only two cases that were provided -- but damn me, if there weren't so many sub-elements to deal with! i almost got confused. but the key with these mpts is just organization. first, read the assignment/call of the question and find out what exactly what your assignment is going to be. letter? memo? persuasive arguments or objective analysis?

and then what i tend to do next just depends on what the call of the question is. but lately, what i like to do is, after reading the assignment, i go straight to the Library and look at the applicable laws that will govern my answer, then read through the cases to get the holdings. i swear, it makes it that much easier to answer an mpt if you just pass through all the facts contained in the File. you can get really swamped with all the bullshit facts that are thrown into the File and easily lose track of what the question wants you to answer. so sometimes, not always, it's just easier to go straight to the law, get what you need, then review the facts to pull out random crap to support your arguments. i used this method when doing the PI mpt. but i didn't use it when doing the statute of limitations one. either way, i was able to start taking notes quickly and not use up the 90 minutes that are recommended for doing essay organization. . . .

anyhow . . . . and that's that. :-P

i'm still whupped today. i tried to go to bed early after getting home yesterday, but then i got a call from a friend of mine: "hey, congratulations! wanna get a beer?" so i did. got home at midnight, tired as hell. went to bed. then at 1 a.m. began freaking out because i remembered that although i had uploaded my essays through examsoft earlier in the evening, i hadn't received an e-mail confirmation from them. i checked my examsoft account online to verify that they did get uploaded, and everything does seem hunky-dory. but i still haven't received my e-mail confirmations as to day 3's essays. so i still can't help but be worried. . . .

still, if i get any shit about it, i at least printed out my download/upload history from examsoft and will be able to prove that i did send everything in.

i finally went to bed at around 2:30 a.m. and slept on and off for . . . a good, long period of time. :)

now, it's time for me to worry about jobs. just last week, i wasn't too concerned about the possibility that i won't be able to pay my bills anymore. but today i started freaking out a little (if it's not one thing, it's another, huh? :-P). i may have to start lowering my standards and start considering jobs that i would rather not consider under normal circumstances . . . . and i also need to start looking out of state, too. . . .

lordy.

this is supposed to be my good luck year, too!! "good luck" my butt!

in any case, i guess i ought to just give myself the weekend to relax, unwind, and not think about that shit. i can start worrying about that and planning my life for the remainder of the year starting monday . . . . and i plan to hit the gym monday too. i'm a lard ass! i have a gut. i look like i'm well into my first trimester of pregnancy. this weight's gotta come off!!

i guess there's plenty of time left for me to make sure this year remains my good luck year.

in the meantime, i just wanna say congratulations to all my blogger bar buddies!! you got through the bar exam! we gave it our all, and now we just gotta play the waiting game. i've got confidence in you guys!! here's hoping everything goes our way this year!

losing it: bar exam, enemy no. 1

sometimes i think i'm fine.

other times, it hits me that i'm not.

i'm still struggling to do something that i have not mastered after all this time, and it's a theme i have returned to now and then on this blog -- which is trying not to personalize this exam and this whole becoming-a-real-attorney thing so much that i come to associate it with my own sense of self-worth.

this is why i miss my shrink. i think my shrink would be of good use to me right about now. he'd already know what i was going to say before i even said it, but he'd listen to me anyway just to humor me, and then tell me to read that one chapter in his book that address the particular issue.

now, usually, people who refer to their own books as the ultimate source for solutions are pompous. my shrink was no exception -- i thought he was pompous when he did that.

but his book is really fantastic. you can find it here on amazon.

i really don't know what to say. all i can say is that i don't want to fail again. i really don't want to.

i am smart enough to know, on an intellectual level, that this exam is not everything. it's not the whole world. and i know i have pretty adequate skill-sets that will help me earn a good living in any other field i choose.

and yet, irrational as it may seem, this exam is my whole world. if i fail again, then i'll take the motherfucker again. but while i do so, the rest of my life remains on hold; everything gets put away and shelved -- my friends, family, work, reading, writing, running, drinking, all the things i enjoy. and it sucks. i'm frustrated as hell by it all.

i should know this exam is not me. it is not the sum of my self-worth. the scoring of the essays is hit or miss. graders take less than 2 minutes to read through each essay. they don't care what you write about or how you write. they just cursorily skim through your writing, make marks where you mention certain issues, then total up the score. they're paid $ 3 for every essay they read -- hence the fact that they speed through the "reading" of as many essays as they can. this is what we're all up against, as bar examinees. but california is the worst of all the states. this state has one of the worst bar passage rates in the nation because of the presence of the non-aba accredited schools in the state.

the california state bar must love these non-accredited schools. folks from non-aba schools far out-number folks like me, who come from out-of-state aba-accredited schools. i've seen the pass rate for schools like mcgeorge, stanford, uc berkeley, and i've seen the stats for those from the non-accredited schools, like humphreys, university of northern california, etc. there is just no comparison; the non-accredited folks have a really crummy pass rate.

can you imagine the amount of money that comes pouring in from thousands of applicants each year, many of them repeaters like myself? the thing is, california likes keeping the pass rate low. i pay over $ 800 not just to take the exam but to take it on a laptop. i'm just one of tens of thousands of people who continually fork over the dough every six months to keep the coffers of the california state bar association full. there is one lady in my bar review class who's been taking that same bar review course for the past ten years. how do i know? because her picture is hung on the wall in the classroom and dated february 1998.

i don't want to think about how much money she's spent on taking and re-taking the bar the past ten years.

the lecturers in my bar review class keep telling us to take heart and not be daunted by the low pass rates, especially for february. "there are over 200,000 attorneys currently licensed in the state of california," they say. "do you know how many of those 200,000 are dumb asses? you guys" -- pointing to us in the room -- "are a hundred times smarter than them, and you deserve to be counted in that number as much as those dumb asses."

but those dumb ass attorneys are not the enemy; the california state bar exam is.

it get me mad when i think about it. there is no uniform or systematic way of grading the essays. the graders are compensated for the number of essays they grade, and not for the quality or consistently of the grading. who gets fucked? me, you, any repeater.

and i'm not saying i deserved to pass. i fucked up that second MPT in july and miscued. i totally deserve to be sitting here all bummed out and driven crazy with stress and freaking out.

but even as i go through the motions yet again, i do not have hope. and i don't say that in a bitch-and-whine way. i say that in a resigned kind of way.

there is just no experience like this one. i was just thinking that the other night as i lay in bed at about 2 o' clock in the morning and no longer able to keep my eyes open to read another page of yet another black letter law outline. law school and bar review study are the most draining experiences ever. i entered law school as an optimistic over-achiever who had been lauded and loved by all the teachers and professors i'd ever had. and law school was the first time i realized that hard work, determination, and desire didn't really necessarily mean that you could achieve your goals after all. my low point was receiving those first semester grades as a 1L. it shattered me. but it was a good lesson in learning how to not set any more high expectations for myself. and i know i'm not the only one to have felt that way.

it's kinda the same with studying for the bar. it is a do-or-die situation. it's not like the masters examination where you come in armed with the five or six books that you're supposed to have read and sit down to answer a couple of open-ended questions in a timed situation. with the masters exam, there is plenty of wiggle-room; implicitly, you're encouraged to be creative in your response, with the only caveat being that you cite to the text to support your answer and try to remain true to the text.

seriously, i'd rather do a masters exam in english lit every day for the rest of my life than do the bar.

with the bar -- at least the california one -- you just better know shit. and not only know it, but organize it. underline, embolden the key words and issues so that they stand out and so that the precious grader doesn't actually have to read your words but can just make a tick mark on your essay to acknowledge that you thought about it. can't be too wordy because, again, you don't want to waste precious grader's time. but be concise and every time you address a new issue, always use these: "under," "here," "therefore."

issue, rule, conclusion; issue, rule, conclusion; issue, rule, conclusion. . . .

isn't that fucked? it makes me laugh but in a humorless way. the bar exam is not about what you know. it's about how you take the damned test.

i sound bitter, i know. and i'm really sorry for that. but i can't help it. i hate this thing, i really do. and this comes from a girl who is often reluctant to use the word "hate." i like to think i'm open-minded enough to not feel such strong feelings towards any one thing (well, except for bad drivers, animal abusers, wife-beaters, most neo-cons, and oh, this one relative of mine who's a really mean, crass, judgmental bitch). but this bar exam is really pushing it for me -- and so the word fits.

*weary sigh*

i'm off to bed to sleep this off.

oh, but i do have good news which is one of the foremost highlights of the past week: i followed up with that agency i interviewed with last week. the reason i haven't heard back from them is because they're still in the process of interviewing. so i'm to check back with them next week to see what's up.

i really would be surprised if i didn't get it. the timed writing i did was kick-ass for a twenty-minute job. i even added a title and divided the answer into sections flowing in a logical, coherent order.

my sister recommends just continuing to send out applications. she didn't blink an eye when i said i've already sent out 19, which i thought was already a lot, and she pretty much told me i need to do more until i get at least a few more calls. so i'm going to try to send out another 20 by friday (imagine me passing a hand over my weary eyes). i'll give it until mid-march to see if i have any prospects in or around town. i'd consider doing some clerking if not for the fact that it just pays so much less . . . . if nothing pops up, it may be my cue to leave town or even the state.

ugh. i need to go check to see if i have begun to sprout any white hairs on my head. i will try to hang on to my sanity at least until the end of next thursday.

but thereafter, abbagirl will need to go on vacation and get a mental break. she needs to reclaim her mojo, be able to unwind by downing one cosmopolitan after another, and remember how to be the dancing queen she used to be.

weekend: survived

i am in a giddy giggling mood -- but the kind of giggling that is humorless, empty, and perhaps even on the verge of hysterical. it is from being pooped and feeling so strung out, i think.

i haven't had a weekend this bad since that one time i went to a bachelorette party, got completely drunk off my ass, got down and dirty with the male stripper, got naked with the other girls as we danced together in a mad-happy drunken orgy (to this day, i still don't know how my bra came off of me . . . ), ended up hugging the toilet for the remainder of the night, then feebly tried to drive home 40 miles through a snow blizzard in my little little car with the manual transmission still pissed drunk.

no, no, the party was not the bad part of the weekend -- recovering the next 36 hours was. ;)

ha! wow. just remembering that fantastic party has lifted my mood tremendously.

anyhow, these past three days were absolute hell. i feebly tried to pick up an outline when i got home but instead found myself nodding off. and so i napped -- but am still a bit muggy-minded.

we did a practice run of the entire three days of the bar exam, finishing day 3 today, and even though i was half-hearted through it all (instead of concentrating on the essays, for example, i spent most of the exam time trying to connect my laptop to the internet -- mostly to no avail), i'm glad i forced myself to just go and do it. first day of essays sucked, the second day of mbes was so-so, and today, the third day, was actually better.

i say the mbes were just so-so because although i got a raw score of 138, i had already seen a good chunk of those questions before in prior practice questions i'd done for homework before. so i was mostly all, "wtf?" for the entire 4 hours i did the multiple choice questions. like, i kinda feel cheated. here i am, having done most of my mbe homework for the past couple of months, only to have our 3-day simulation be a repeat of the very same questions i'd done before?

i've been cheated, i tell you! for the past couple of weeks, i have been thinking that this bar review class is a rip-off, and this only confirms it. i want my money back!!

and no, that's no joke or typo above; i only spent 4 hours on my mbes yesterday, not the full 6. and that's normal; it takes me 2 hours to do 100 questions.

it freaks people out. they think i skip questions, that i'm not reading, that i'm giving up, or that i'm a whiz.

it's none of the above, actually. i'm just a fast reader.

i've tried to slow down when doing the practice mbes on my own. and i thought i was taking it easy and slow when i did the simulated exam yesterday. but then, after every fifty questions i did, i'd look at the clock, expecting a full hour to have gone by ('cause trust me, it sure feels like it), only to see that maybe 30-35 minutes have lapsed.

but at this point, i cannot change too much about what i do. i will still be conscientious and try to be careful in answering each question. but if my pace is comfortable, and it is, then i'll stick with doing them as i'm used to doing them.

plus, it's kinda fun to psych people out when they think you're a whiz -- even if nothing could be further than the truth.

i just like fucking with people's minds. :)

today's essays were MUCH better. i did a better job of outlining my answers, and the MPT question was actually more simple than friday's: two tasks to deal with (draft persuasive facts and arguments for appellate brief to the almighty "columbia court of appeals") instead of four.

but overall, i'm still massively weak. i really need to bone up on certain topics. i still need to memorize my intro paragraphs that are necessary to certain topics, like with community property or con law issues, and there are lots of sub-areas within subjects that are weaker than others -- covenants, cy pres doctrine, and other weird little random shit like that. like, i know what they are! but it's just a different story for me when i try to write out my analysis. . . .

that's why the main goal for me is to do more practice essays this week. it's just like driving: you can read the driver's manual all you want, but if you really want to learn how to drive, you have to put the pedal to the metal. and this is the part i'm always just so lazy about. it's hard to be motivated when it comes to doing these things.

but if the fact that there's only ONE WEEK LEFT doesn't scare me enough into doing it, then i've got no business trying to do this thing.

ugh. time to go find the bed. if anything, i can be glad of one thing: i survived this practice run. and now i need to make sure i'm ready for the real one.

late-night introspection

for a while there, i had to really fight the urge to dash over to the smoke shop near my house to get cigs.

luckily, the craving only hit me during the late-night hours when this particular smoke shop is closed. i refuse to smoke anything but this one particular brand -- and that shop is the only one that carries it -- and sells it at discount to boot. :-D

but luckily, the craving has stopped.

instead, what i'm fighting against at the moment are the negative, self-sabotaging thoughts.

when i started my bar review class, i and the other folks taking the class were given a stern, arrogant talking-to by the attorney-instructor. he knew most of us were repeaters. and in that one night, he hit home for us why we were repeaters.

pretty much it all boils down to self-sabotage.

my friend waitress, j.d., has blogged about this aspect as it pertains to her. i empathize with her post a great deal, but my story, while similar to hers in many respects, is still a bit different.

my bio isn't worth going over. but suffice to say, i recognize that my challenge in conquering the bar exam has not only to do with making sure i understand the black letter law but also in having the confidence to go forward and beyond this test to the next level and actually be an attorney.

basically, that first night, the bar review instructor asked us rhetorically, "why do you want to pass the bar?"

then he paused dramatically.

"of course, your answer is 'to be an attorney!' but that's not what i mean. i mean, why do you want to be an attorney? what do you see yourself doing after you pass this bar? what are your plans?"

and that's what got me. my mind completely hit a wall. i have been so riveted on the bar exam since graduating law school. even when i chose not to take it and deferred it, i still thought about it. but i never envisioned, on a practical level, what would happen after that, were i to pass.

of course, i can see myself sitting behind a desk behind mounds of folders, looking great in these great suits i got tailor-made for myself when i visited vietnam last year (it was so cheap to do these suits -- and i look great in them! if i do say so myself ;) ). but what am i actually doing?

damned if i know.

i just never really thought that far because, short-sighted as i am, i only focused on this one singular, insurmountable barrier. do i want to be a lawyer? do i not? i don't even like most lawyers. but even this question of whether i like or don't like lawyers is a form of self-sabotage, too.

isn't it??

i think it is. . . . i think it was a way for me to accept being fine with not having become an attorney without even trying for it -- and then it became a way for me to justify failing the bar and accepting failure even before i got the results back.

this time around, my mindset's kind of changed. i am so much more relaxed than i was while studying for last july's exam. i am kind of more accepting of what will happen. if i fail it again, i may or may not take it again this summer. who knows. it helps that i have other options on the table that i am as passionate about completing. like, if i had absolutely no other career choice available, then yes, i'd keep at it. but that's not the case -- thank goodness.

every time i talk to one of my best friends from law school on the phone, she marvels at me. she marvels at how i just "troop through" stuff (that's her phrase). and i was surprised; i've always felt stigmatized and that my law school friends were always disappointed in me or talking smack about my underachieving tendencies in these recent years. so feeling somewhat embarrassed about the obviously admiring tone in her voice, i told her i didn't feel much like a "trooper" at all, having experienced so many set-backs. i told her i didn't even feel like i could hold my head up very high sometimes.

but she emphatically dismissed that, saying, "but you're still hanging in there! most people would've given up by now. i would've given up!" and she compared me and how i am today to how she used to know me when we were still in law school. "you're so much more calmer today than you were then, and more mature" -- (which is true -- i was a really young, naive, sheltered 21-year-old when i started law school) -- "there's no way i could do what you're doing. you're so much stronger now today than before, and much stronger than me."

exasperated but somewhat touched, i told her, "dude, there's no way you'd ever have gotten yourself in the same kind of situation as me. i'm totally lame!"

but good friend that she is, she wouldn't have any of it.

ugh. damned self-sabotage. i really don't know where i get that.

but i just really have this perpetual mind-set of believing that i simply don't deserve anything good, am not worthy of having good things happen to me, and even when good things do happen, i dismiss them as flukes or a result of lucky happenstance.

and i see that happening in relationships, too. and maybe that's why they all tend to go bad. . . . now don't get me wrong. i'm a girl who stands alone. i like being unattached, single, and having absolutely no obligations.

generally speaking, anyway.

that, of course, changes when i meet someone who rocks my world.

and then what tends to happen is just that i end up caring a bit too much and make the relationship all about pleasing the other person to the point of self-sacrifice. and i don't do it on purpose. i think i get it from my mom; we both love pretty rarely, but when we do, it is all in, and it's intense. nothing is too much to do for our loved ones. blood, organ, life, limb -- if you want it, need it, you don't have to ask twice; you got it. and the rest of the world can go to hell, but if you mess with someone we love, you better be prepared to go to hell, too.

but the idea behind it is that, somehow, you're not worthy of the love of someone else. and so the more you undertake physical actions that show what you'd do for another, what you'd give up, the more you show the other person that you are indeed worthy of being loved.

and i dunno. i used to think it was great to be that way. with everyone i love, it's all about loyalty and passion -- and showing that while it's one thing to say something, it's quite another to do it and prove it. actions speak louder than words, after all.

yet sooner or later, you do wonder what the hell you're doing and why you give up so much of yourself yet still believe that you aren't even worthy of the same in return.

and i'm thinking, now, that this is just another symptom of the self-sabotage, i'm-not-worthy-of-anything-good sentiment.

and i certainly don't think it's a condition unique to me. girls and women around the world suffer this to a certain extent. we're always taught to make our own needs and wishes subservient to those around us, particularly to male authority. but i think my tendency to do this has been exacerbated by the damned filial piety ideal that is embedded within confucianism and its practice. it really teaches young kids to be subservient to the will of parents, of elders, of older brothers and sisters, and to respected men. i respect confucianism for creating social order and the practice of venerating the wise and the elders.

but it sure can have screwy effects.

:-P

i think i do have a point as i rattle off these thoughts going on in my head tonight.

my point is maybe i am worthy of more than i give myself credit for.

maybe i deserve to pass the bar.

maybe i deserve to move on with my life if i don't pass.

and maybe i deserve the good things that happen to me as much as i deserve the bad things.

*sigh*

*shrug*

in any case, i do believe that there is indeed at least one important question all of us repeat bar examinees should ask ourselves if we find ourselves struggling with the insurmountable challenges that passing the bar exam poses.

and the question is not "how much have you studied?" nor "how many practice exams have you taken thus far?"

the question is, "why do you want to pass?"

my bar review instructor asserts that if you can't answer that question, just like i couldn't answer that question, then maybe, just maybe, we shouldn't be lawyers and should stop wasting our time, money, and effort. we should opt for a new career instead.

when he said that, i was chagrined and ashamed. he wasn't speaking to me directly, but i still sure as hell felt that he was.

so it's time to start thinking about whether we want it -- and if so, how much -- and where we envision ourselves and what our plans are.

why do we want to pass?

testing, testing . . . .

i am making a shy foray back onto blogger. it's been a good long month or so since my last post and my decision to temporarily/permanently stop blogging on here.

it was hard to stop. there were many things that happened, many ideas that occurred to me right after i put up that last post, things that i could not blog about except only as abbagirl. but i still could not bring myself to blog about them until or unless i discovered what the purpose of this blog should be.

i'm still in the midst of sorting it all out. . . .

in the meantime, with only one month until the bar exam, i only have one thing to say:

i need a fucking cigarette!!

;-P

i hate being a repeat bar exam taker so much. especially in my state, all the odds are stacked against you. traditionally, february bar exams have a pass rate that is about 10 to 15% less than the july exams -- and the pass rate is perhaps even half that for february repeat examinees.

it's hard not to have a heavy heart about these odds.

which is why i could use a damned cigarette right now. as of tomorrow, i will have gone 12 weeks without. that streak is currently in a tenuous state; i probably will not be able to hold out much longer. . . .

:-P

time to do a few practice essays. . . . hope everything is well with everyone!!

i need richard!

as much as that dear old man richard had begun to annoy me, in those last days of class leading up to christmas, i am finding that i need the old coot desperately.

i haven't studied all week!!

i need the discipline he provided. i need the structure! i need incentive to set time aside and to put earnest effort into studying.

without him, i'm floundering and aimless!

i started up my efforts at studying again yesterday. then got distracted because a friend called me and needed some help on something. and that ended that effort.

but i am trying again today. i've been at this coffee shop for about two hours now, trying to plow through a contracts outline.

for someone who hasn't studied much lately, i'm pretty sick of studying. i screwed myself over by waiting so long since graduating from law school to take the damned thing. the instructor of my bar review course, tim, pretty much said so. he said that the further removed you are from having graduated from law school, the crappier your chances are of passing. further, if you are taking the bar in february as opposed to july, your chances are even slimmer. and to make things even more disillusioning, he said that each time a repeat bar exam taker has to take the bar, his or her chances for passing grow more and more miniscule. to illustrate this point, the instructor held up his thumb and index finger only millimeters apart from each other.

he might as well have gone ahead and stabbed me in the gut 100 times.

so i'm keeping those words of warning close to my heart right now. i'm trying to get into the mindset that these are the kinds of words that should inspire me to defy the odds. i cannot fail again!

and yet i'm not feeling all that inspired. i just feel rather . . . down. among a whole host of other things.

it's really hard to precisely describe how i feel about the bar at this point because all the feelings are so conflicting. "down" is only one of the feelings.

i do feel a sense of determination. obviously, i do want to pass~

but i feel defeated already, like there's no point, no chance of success.

i feel like i'm not up to the task and just don't have the brain-power to surmount this shit.

i feel ashamed because i kinda skipped out of an extended-family gathering recently out of shame and fear of having to confess my failings to the family -- only to find out that my absence still caused them to talk about how i did not pass.

i feel irked because, having been out of work for as long as i have, everyone assumes that i am mooching money off my parents to get by -- which makes me mad! because that's not the case at all! sorry, but believe it or not, it's been all me so far. and i am actually quite proud of myself for learning how to curb what were otherwise really bad spending habits and learning to live frugally. financially, i am still doing quite well right now, thank you very much.

sure, i do give in to the urge to splurge when i need to -- i.e., my recent purchase of hanae mori perfume. but bottom line is that i take care of myself, just like i always do.

and i get the feeling that lots of people -- family, friends, and strangers -- are of the opinion that i'm only wasting my time by going back to school. it is not so much that i want to be a perpetual student so that i can avoid "facing up to reality" and "becoming an adult." screw the people who think that! for me, it's all about the pursuit of my livelihood. when i finally get myself situated into a career, i will be stuck for the next good twenty or thirty years of my life. it's therefore essential that, whatever i choose as my career, i will have no qualms about spending a good chunk of my life doing it and that i will always have passion for it.

screw these downers!!

so yeah, throw feelings of irritation into the mix as well.

but on top of all that, a part of me has nonetheless kinda bought into those criticisms. and i wonder what i'm doing wasting my time re-taking the bar and in applying to grad school.

yeah, i am starting to question the whole ph.d. thing, too. i am stacked knee-deep in student-loan debt that i don't think i'll ever be able to pay off during my lifetime. the idea that i'll be adding even more debt to my name makes me sweat cold bullets.

*big heaving sigh*

people don't know what it's like to be me!

it's gotten to the point where my face is seriously breaking out. i haven't had this kind of break-out since junior high! it's heinous!!

thankfully, i came across this post by sugarshock, which says that omega-3 has properties that are good for one's skin in addition to gads more other benefits. so i got myself some supplements the other day. i hope this solves the problem, and if it does, i will definitely start raving about it here on this blog.

seriously, i have no idea where this break-out comes from, other than pure stress. even though it is the holiday, i.e., goody-eating, season, my diet hasn't really changed. in fact, since i'm conscious of how much weight i tend to gain while in study-mode, i've actually been eating less. i still have my toasted bagel and cream cheese, plus coffee, for breakfast, and then rice or whatever for dinner. so i have really not been eating very much crap lately. . . . at least i don't think so . . . .

it's the damned stress!!! and i'm not surprised if i also have gads of white hair growing on my head! the last time i was at my stylist's, she had to pluck a good number of white strands out.

this law crap is making me grow old before my time -- and disgusting to boot!!

speaking of, it's time for me to go find some dinner now. my mom is making bun cha lua for dinner tonight, so i must rush over to her house. my tumbly is all rumbly now.

in the meantime, until bar review class starts up again, i'll be missing richard. i need him to help get motivated and thinking positively about the damned bar exam again.

richard! i'm so sorry i started getting annoyed by you. i need you! please save me!

bar review still going strong

i slept too much this morning.

but i couldn't help it. i was having a wacky dream, the details of which i can't even remember at this point. in the dream, there were lots of people i know and lots of people i didn't know, and we were on some mission together because some other distrustful people had been messing with us. and so we were plotting together, a la mission: impossible, a retaliation.

it's one of those dreams where you hover in and out of consciousness and know you should get out of bed because it is starting to be late morning. but the dream keeps you interested and eager to see how the end plays out.

in the end, i missed out on the ending because my dog couldn't take it anymore and woke me up. she really had to go pee.

an update on bar review study: this week, we're doing mbe questions. one subject per day, and we have to have all our questions answered by the time we get to class, where we will then watch a video-tape of all the answers being reviewed -- kinda like pmbr. tonight's subject is con law and i am all set and ready to go, having sat down and done all the questions yesterday evening.

i got comments back on my timed multi-state essays yesterday. good lord. i got a lot of criticism. like, good god damn! and i don't mean that in a whiny way. i mean that in a good way. like, keep them coming!! i want to pass so bad. the more constructive feedback i can get, the better. i want it -- keep crackin' that whip and beating my ass!



i'm going to try to get away to the gym this afternoon before class starts. i didn't work out at all last week, what with trying to complete a few grad school apps and having to do all my homework for the bar review class. i'm at a place where i can finally breathe a bit more easily, though, and so a good gym session will be just the thing i need.

i was studying at starbuck's yesterday. there was a cute asian girl there studying criminal law. she is still a law student; she had her text book right there. at one point, she got up to take a smoke break outside. i looked after her a bit longingly but, at the same time, i tried to ignore her.

it's not that i crave a cigarette, per se . . . .

well, maybe i do. just a little.

but i also miss the reprieve that it always gave me and the psychological sense of comfort.

i miss it. i really do.

at the same time, i really don't want to smoke, either. i'm hoping that in quitting this time, i'm quitting for good.

well. unless i'm drinking with other smokers, i mean. then i can't guarantee anything.

i'm glad i stopped, though. it does make me feel like crap and makes it so much harder to breathe. i feel cleaner and healthier now. and all it took for me to quit was going on a complete smoking binge for 24 hours straight after finding out i failed the bar.

hmm. imagine that. :-P

and i think those years of smoking were starting to take a toll on my face. i feel like my face was beginning to lose its elasticity and that everything was starting to sag. i'm too young to lose my adorable asian babyface!

more essay-writing . . . .

i have just emerged from a well-needed hot shower. it's made me awfully warm and sleepy. but unfortunately, i can't turn in yet. the night is still pretty young, and i have gads of stuff to do before dawn. . . .

i'm kinda glad i lost my personal statement to the unpredictable glitches of technology this morning. that essay was kinda utter shit, and i managed to re-do it so much better. i'll be re-working it tonight and hopefully can get my three apps. into the two-day mail as of tomorrow morning so that they can arrive at their respective destinations by the 15th, this saturday.

as for bar review class tonight. . . .

ugh.

b-o-r-i-n-g!



it's kind of a double bind for me. i know i need all the help i can get in passing the bar and figuring out how to improve my score. and yet it's so painful to be there, because damn it, i know the law and how to write! and it is just so redundant to have these things pounded into my head again!

if you're a repeater, you know what i'm talking about. we know this shizz. we've already put in the time for three years learning all this stuff! arrgh!

it's just frustrating. i know i should be patient and just deal. but i can't help being frustrated, too.

richard told us a couple of times tonight, both at the start of yet another three-hour practice session and at the end, how proud of us he was. and he guffawed loudly when i told him that i was only there because i was afraid he would get pissed and yell at me the next time he saw me.

ha! no, he's too sweet to yell and get mad. but i am afraid of his displeasure. he'd get on any of our butts if we missed a class for any reason. i know i've said it before, but . . . he cares about our success.

seriously, i think he's so great because of how much he cares. :)

the practice session wasn't too tedious tonight, as compared with yesterday. this time, we had to write essays on evidence, real property, and wills.

what tonight taught me is that i'm pretty comfortable with wills questions. but i'm back to being pretty weak in regards to real property and evidence.

ugh!

on a whole other note: i was in sephora the other day. god, i love sephora! and it was so hard not getting everything i wanted. but i did have to get this one thing . . . . i happened to be browsing through the fragrances and got a whiff of this one by hanae mori. . . . and it was over for me. had to get it. i'm telling you -- smells fantastic! and this comes from someone who's really picky about fragrances; i'm not a fan of overpowering, nausea-inducing scents, and i feel that most fragrances out there are pretty heinous. but hanae mori is fantastic!

i know -- don't tell me i shouldn't have! i know i should be more careful about counting pennies! but seriously, if you've ever had the chance to smell this one, you'll know why i couldn't resist!

plus, dude! i just failed the bar exam! there might as well be a big ol' "L" tattooed on my forehead! if anything, i should be entitled to knowing that i at least smell amazing. :)

practice, practice, practice

takin' another practice exam.

3 questions.

time: 3 hours.

i'm half-heartedly going through the motions. i'm the only one typing answers out, so i think i have a good headstart on everyone.

hence, the fact that i am now unofficially takin' a break from the exam.

:-P

the first question was on crim pro. dude. i've forgotten all my crim pro!

like, something about the 5th amendment? and miranda? and, uh, fruit of the poisonous tree?

second question: trusts. there were a bunch of breaches to the duties of due care and loyalty. that one was better.

but i'm stuck on the third question: civ pro. it doesn't help that my mind has shut down from complete boredom already.

:-P

damned "quiz."

i can't help being bored by this. there's no sense of urgency for me! at least not now. which is why it makes it all too easy for me to not take this practice exam very seriously. it has been about 90 minutes since the start of the exam, and i have spent a good half of the time already just surfin' the net, thanks to this amazing gift of wi-fi. it's okay. i mean, i've already done the first two questions half-heartedly.

but still. i can't keep my attention on things.

and i think i'm bothering and distracting the older dude who sits behind me. he can clearly see my laptop screen and that i am more or less reading through my news feeder instead of concentrating on the exam.

(heh!)

well, there is some free bottomless coffee. i s'pose i'll get myself a cup and try to keep focused on this shit.

:-D

and we're supposed to be doing this all week?

:-P

just a quiz

bar review class was painful last night.

only four of us showed up. we were to do a practice run-through of three essay questions.

"it doesn't matter if you don't remember the black letter law at this point," said richard. "what matters is that you're getting your feet wet. it's best you start practicing our essay writing now so that we can see what it is you need to change or improve on. don't worry."

pretty much, the whole point appears to be to see how each of us are stickin' to the IRAC formula. and not necessarily how much we remember of the law.

which is fine by me.

so we spent three hours doing essay writing. and wouldn't you know -- i had brought my laptop. but forgot the power-cord. so i had to hand-write.

for someone so used to doing everything on computer and being able to cut and paste things, writing it all out was just absolutely horrible. i think i turned in some really shitty essays yesterday.

today, i'll remember my power-cord. we are doing three more essays today and for each day for the rest of the week, except friday, when we'll only have two.

this will be good for me. because when it comes to the essays, all i did before was just rotely try to remember the black-letter law. i didn't try to actually practice writing out answers until maybe the last month before the exam. i don't think i'm TOO terrible at structuring essay answers . . . .

but we'll see. we're to receive constructive criticism on EVERY essay exam we do. and our reviewer will cut to the chase and tell us what we're doing wrong.

'cause obviously i am doing SOMETHING wrong.

hoo, boy. this will be an intense two months.

richard is not the guy who teaches the bar review course. he just owns the premises.

he is so cool! i can't get over how genuine and affable he is. and he just cares about all of us. i can't imagine how many students have come in through the doors. but he makes all of us feel at home, he does not let us get our spirits down, and he always has such great words for us.

like, yesterday, before class started, only i and this other black girl were there. and we just started jawin'. i admitted to feeling down about the whole thing, and both of them were all, "what? don't be!" the black girl said laughingly, "i've always been told that you can never be a lawyer until you take the bar five times!" she's already taken it four times.

and richard said, "i'm in this business because i love lawyers. they are a real special breed of people." and he gave an example of a stellar attorney he knows who thinks so much like a lawyer that it astounds him. "whether you feel like it or not, you guys are attorneys. you have been taught to think like attorneys. now, you just have to write in the way the examiners want. don't psyche yourself out!ba you have to remember it's just a test."

the other girl chipped in: "it's just a quiz!"

i gave her an "are you fuckin' kidding me??" look. but her enthusiasm and light-heartedness got to me, so i started laughing.

it's just a fucking quiz. :)

i'm off to class now.

topsy-turvy

this is how i feel right now:

"topsy-tuvy" -- from disney's hunchback of notre dame

lots of stuff going on.

i am starting to get into full-on moody mood-swings. there are probably two people in the world that i care to deal with and can be civil with in person, period. everyone else can go to hell!!

but i am not so much short-tempered (well, okay, maybe just a little bitchy) as much as i'm a bit depressed and wondering what the hell i am even doing trying to take the damned bar exam again.

my bar review class, so far, is okay and yet not. i can't believe how much it costs, and after three days of classes, i have begun wondering whether i will be getting my money's worth.

but i shouldn't be so judgmental about it so early on. it is what you make of it, after all.

my mom knows i'm depressed about the situation i'm in. her attitude, though, is, "don't give up!" last night, she was pointing out examples of people who had to take the bar multiple times before passing. "pete wilson" -- she held up five fingers. "brown -- what's his name? the old mayor -- oh, jerry brown!" -- and she held up eight fingers. "so don't worry!" she said. "you don't give up! you take it until you get it!"

i love how she is my cheerleader and all. but somehow it was not enough to raise my spirits.

it will come and go, these downer moods of mine.

but things will get better after this week. i'm mostly stressed because of my graduate school applications. three are due in five days. last week, i was on the fast track to gettin' 'em done -- but the bar review classes threw me off, especially with saturday and sunday classes being all day. :-P

seriously, i think i am unconsciously masochistic. i always find myself biting off more than i can chew.

like, that two-year period of time when i was doing my j.d. AND my m.a. as a non-joint degree because each of the bastard program departments refused to let credits from one program count for the other? it was a fun, intellectually stimulating time -- but it burned me out so quickly, 'cause i'd be taking 15 units from the law school and then 6 units from the grad school, and it just kicked my ass.

bastards!

i do not recommend that for anybody! if you really wish to pursue a j.d./m.a., it's just best to find a school that offers the degrees jointly. you're less likely to end up killing yourself. and what peeved me is that my school offered joint j.d./m.b.a. and j.d./m.p.p. programs, and based on what people have told me, some of the classes you take at those other departments are meaningless, irrelevant classes anyway and have nothing to do with law. so it just pissed me off that some of the classes i took that clearly had roots in both literature and the law, like law and literature from the english department, would not count for the other's program requirements, despite all my pleading.

like, how is law and literature not related to the study of law? in that class, we ended up reading lots of early american abolitionist texts, thomas jefferson writings, and commentaries by oliver wendell holmes. and that's still not law?

and the english department was not immune from my irritation, either. at the law school, i once took a class on art and the law. we read a lot of theory about art, like by kant and others i can't think of at the moment but who are critical to literary critical theory, on what makes art "art" and all the laws, both here in the u.s. and abroad, that are in place to protect works of art and also artifacts. it was a really cool class. i beseeched the head of the english department to read through the syllabus and let the credits count towards my graduate requirement. did i sway him?

nope. all my pleas were in vain. grr!!

obviously, i have not let go of my annoyance at this, despite the passage of almost five years.

yeah. i guess i tend to harbor grudges.

(heh heh!)

in any case, i am almost done with 3 of my grad school apps. the remaining apps aren't due for at least another 15 to 30 days, and i am pretty much done with most of them anyway. so hopefully, i'll be able to kick all of this shit off my to-do list soon.

*deep, slow, forlorn sigh*

i sure could use a martini right about now.

more peeves

yesterday was my first night of bar review. the class went pretty late last night.

against my better resolve, i let myself get talked into a party last night. i left my house at around 11:30 p.m. and didn't come home until a quarter to 2. i got only five hours of sleep.

i know lots of people can get by on five hours of sleep just fine. but abbagirl cannot! abbagirl needs a good eight to ten in order to have a happy day!

it was a bad idea to go out. but i went 'cause i felt obligated. and i had an okay time -- if getting someone else's puke on your designer jeans is considered "okay." :-P ha! but that's not actually why i had a rather lackluster time. i just didn't really know anyone there.

but i did have this really delicious drink that tasted perfectly awesome. it's what led to my downfall and made me too tired to wanna stay up late and do my homework, which was supposed to involve spending 3 hours doing a practice MPT.

i've learned my lesson -- no more parties during bar review!! or at least no parties where you know you won't have a great time and the only thing you can do to have fun is drink one delicious cocktail after another.

;)

anyway, so yeah, that's why i ended up coming to class completely empty-handed today.

and i was tardy, too. i hate being tardy for anything! but finding parking was a complete pain in the rear and nearly impossible downtown. i gave myself a 40 minute cushion to find parking, too, but ended up using the entire cushion -- and then some. i wasn't the only one late, but class was held up until the other tardy dude and i arrived.

it was embarassing.

anyhow, i have to vent about something.

my older sister's b.f.f. really irritates me. i find her ultra-annoying.

the b.f.f. is chinese-american, married with three kids, and just a few years older than my sister. she and my sister have been b.f.f. for about a year now, having met at work. they hit it off instantaneously and are now inseparable. they spend quite a lot of time together at work, they carpool together, and they spend time together in the evenings, too.

i have hung out with the b.f.f. only a few times. the first time i met her, a number of months ago, it was for lunch at a noodle place. my sister had been keen on having us meet; she had told b.f.f. all about my charming ways, the b.f.f. was intrigued and said she wanted to meet me, and so eventually this lunch was set up.

in my eyes, the lunch was disappointing. for someone who allegedly professed to wanting to meet me, she didn't seem to want to acknowledge my presence. yes, she totally and completely ignored me and barely paid me a second glance. at first, i thought it was because of shyness; after all, i'm just a stranger. so while she and my sister conversed, i'd listen and then contribute to the conversation. but even then, no. nothing. jokes, smiles, witticisms? i did them all and still could not get accepted into their conversation. so lunch couldn't end quick enough for me.

like, whatev. i'm TRYING here, ya know? and the girl, although completely nice, was not being very helpful.

so i was, like, fine. i know the score. it's over before it's begun. buh-bye. have a nice life, and don't let the door smack your ass on the way out.

imagine my surprise when, during the succeeding months, my sister would try to get me to hang out with her crowd and say, "oh, b.f.f. really wants you to hang out and come to such-and-such a party!"

i'd try to hide my disbelief and just be all, "yeah, uh-huh. um, sure. oh! darn it, don't you know, i promised to go to this other thing already! er, maybe next time, all right?"

but still, over the past year or so, i haven't completely managed to avoid the b.f.f. over time, the b.f.f. has thawed, though, and has begun making more eye-contact and is not making as much of a concerted effort to exclude me from conversations or exchanges. but there's this gap that continues to be in place.

which is cool. to each his own, ya know? i can get along with her for my sister's sake.

but what annoys me most is that, when i'm hanging with her, she makes certain statements that convey to me that she thinks she knows my sister better than me.

it's happened a number of times, not just once. so i know i'm not imagining it. and it irks me. like, i'll be just chatting with her and say something teasing about my sister, and she'll just give this pause and say, ". . . i know."

it just flips me OUT, i tell you! i really wanna sock her in the nose. like, who is she to demonstrate to me that she knows my sister better than me?

and yet at the same time, i must acknowledge: there are now things that i really don't know about my sister and that she does know better than me.

i guess this is a major part of why i'm irked -- because it is true that she knows my sis better.i feel, in many ways, that the b.f.f. has taken my place in my sister's life.

so yeah, okay. maybe a little tiny bit of jealousy. :-P

at the same time, my 'tude to the b.f.f. is, "go ahead and take my sister! i don't care!" because my sister has gotten weird.

but then, the crux, again, is that she only has gotten weird because of the b.f.f.

there are a number of reasons why i think the b.f.f. and the b.f.f.'s crowd is weird. they are ghetto. i am not. few of them graduated from college, while i, of course, did. they speak in colloquial ghetto talk. i do not; i talk exactly as i blog -- lots of colloquialisms but definitely not ghetto.

i know. you'd think that, because we're all asian, we'd have an instant asian connection. ;)

but believe it or not, there is nonetheless a huge culture and class clash between me and them. i neither have nor desire a suped-up rice rocket. i listen to hip-hop, r & b, and rap only occasionally, but i don't make a habit of it.

i drive a plain ol' pathfinder, i listen to rock n' roll, i am super nerdy, and i'm totally a whitebread L7.

sorry. sad but true.

and my sister is so different when she's with them. with me, with family, she's quiet, moody, temperamental, aloof. it's hard to tell when it's a good time to even say hi to her. for my part, i've learned, over the years, that there are just some things i can count on her and some things i cannot. and that has been hard for me to accept because i'm the type of person who is all in. if i'm a part of your life, and i like you, then there are no ifs, ands, or buts. there is nothing i would not do for you. i take after my mom in this respect, and that is why we are fiercely loyal to one another; no one else in our lives has this characteristic or even understands it.

with her friends, she's loose, child-like. nothing like what i'm used to seeing her as. so it's kinda weird, ya know?

still, if b.f.f. really wants to be my friend as much as she is my sister's, then she needs to do a little bit more than what she already has. i'm really easy, ya know. i can overcome any obstacles between any person and me and be friends with anybody. but it'd help if i could at least work with an open mind and heart. and you'll see that you don't need to try to one-up me in order to earn my respect.

just be open. and then trust me to do all the rest. you will love me within five seconds flat. or less. guaranteed.

updates on stuff

good news:

temp services has come through for me. i've got two really-short-term gigs lined up this month.

bad news:

i'm being paid less than i was before at my last temping gig.

still, every little bit helps.

the temp services lady also wanted to see if she could slopt me into this longer-term temping gig. it'd be a part-time job that would require my presence five days a week. i told her i could do, at most, four days a week, monday thru thursday.

personally, i'd just like to hold friday open if only because i have a bar review class that night, and if need be, i'd like that whole day to be free in case i need to catch up on any studying or homework for that night.

yes, the class requires homework and holds you accountable if you don't do it -- which is great for my lazy ass!

anyhow, because i held out on the idea of working fridays, that job offer ended up getting revoked.

ah, well. i'm trying not to shed tears about it. :-P

seriously, though, the next time the temp services lady calls me about another job offer, i'm gonna say, don't bother -- i'm done temping.

don't get me wrong. i'm grateful for the two mini-jobs i've got. but seriously, for one, i'm getting paid about $ 13/hour and for the other, it's more like $ 15/hour. which is fine -- like, great! i genuinely am grateful. and they both last less than a day -- even better!

but the downer is that both gigs will require about 75 miles of driving, round-trip, and also that i'll be having to buy single-day parking passes.

not to sound like a whiny cheapskate, but seriously, half the money i'll be making on those days will go directly to paying for gas and parking alone! gas here topped off at about $ 3.44/gallon about a week or so ago and is back down to about $ 3.14. and i can't help but weigh pros and cons like that.

in any case, i accepted both jobs, but for sure, i'd rather not accept anymore temping gigs. the lady has already informed me that the chances are virtually zero of finding a temping job a little closer to where i live on the part-time basis i requested. :-P

it is probably pathetic of me to publicly relay my financial situation that i have at the moment. but you know what? i don't do it for me or for the sake of garnering pity. i do it because, on the off-chance that someone stumbles onto my blog in the same kind of situation, i can at least show them that they're not alone; there's at least one other person in the same situation.

and the only reason why i can talk about the difficulties of the bar exam and become-an-attorney rat race is because of the other blogs i've found on here by people who've been in the same situation, too. seriously, it's a weight off my back to know that i'm not the only poor soul suffering from the kind of mental anxiety that first law school, then the bar exam have given me.

but anyway, yeah, so i'll be quitting the temp shit soon, and that's okay -- i'd really would much rather be hanging out around the house instead any day. especially now, during winter. have i mentioned that i absolutely loathe cold weather? well, here in norcal, it's pretty brusque outside. not cold, as in the kind of cold i'm used to after having lived in the beehive state. but still brusque -- jacket required. couple that with the non-stop rain we've been having the past few days, interspersed with the occasional cold winds, and you have a really cold and miserable abbagirl who ends up much preferring to stay at home, bundled up in thick layers, sitting cross-legged on her chair at her lap-top, blogging away, while an electric heater soothingly emits warm rays in her general direction and her little chihuahua naps on her lap and keeps her thighs warm.



in other news:

older sister is irritating the hell out of me. birthday or not, birthday girls need to play nice and not be so self-absorbed and clueless at least one day outta the year!

how mean is she?

lemme illustrate. say you are having a bad day and are having a bit of a 'tude, and then along comes abbagirl. because you're having a bad day, you can't help but start snapping at abbagirl and cussing her brains out.

abbagirl would only look at you in aghast concern and have a look of wounded innocence in her eyes. her brows would furrow, and her expression would plaintively ask, why are you yelling at me?

but if you were having a bad day and happened to snap at abbagirl's sister, oh, holy fuck. you better run and hide, like, right NOW. the look of venom in her eyes alone would be enough to make your brain start frying, and you would be dead before you even hit the ground.

seriously.

and that's what happened to me today. i asked her a quick question, something totally random and harmless, and i literally got my head bitten off.

like, day-um!

*sigh* sisters.

and in yet other news:

i'm not a fan of old navy.

if i were a momma of an infant, i'd probably make sure to shop at old navy for my kiddie. old navy offers looks that are "in" while not being too over-priced. so if i were concerned about upchuck, poo, pee, and booger-splatters all over and ruining the kid's clothes, then old navy would prolly be the way to go.

but i hate old navy for a couple of other reasons.

first off, the clothes tend to be ultra boxy on me. i might as well be dressed in a ruck-sack. everything is big-boobed, wide-shouldered, and wide-hipped. i wish i were chestier. but at the end of the day, i'm not. so it doesn't make sense for me to shop at a place that just doesn't have my fit.

secondly, the reason why i hate old navy is mostly because of the clientele.

i can't stand old navy shoppers!

i went with my younger sister the other day at around 2 p.m. if you wanna meet ultra-crusty, middle-aged, overweight, hoity-toity, suburban mother/conventional house-wife, minivan driving types, go to your local old navy during typical business work hours, and you'll meet plenty of them leisurely shopping with their noses stuck in the air as they wait for the time to pick up their kids from school and their husbands are slaving away at some blue or white collar job somewheres.

i'm not dissing them because they are housewives or stay-at-home moms. to each his own.

i'm dissing them 'cause their rotten 'tudes.

it's not that, when i shop, i wanna be b.f.f. with everyone. just let me be, and let me browse.

what i don't want is some turd-face housewife waddling past me, giving me a dirty glance, then haughtily sticking her nose in the air while her back stiffens.

like, screw you! what have you got in life that's so special, at least compared to me, you wrinkly jerk-hole!

sure, you may be comfortable in your $ 300k house with an immaculately mowed front lawn and rug-rats biting your ankles while i mope around my house and buying my groceries on credit.

but you know what?

i ain't livin' off anyone's coattails. i don't depend on anyone for my livelihood. my life isn't slave to the demands and time-table of anyone else's schedules. who are you to think you're better than me!

screw you! punk-ass bitch!

not to rage like a lunatic and bitch about everything, though.

i'm just having a rough day, i think. too bad i can't go around tasering people.

"bad day" -- fuel

evil bar examiners

goodness gracious.

i am finally looking into all the instructions as to when and how to file to re-take the durned calbar.

i have until december 4, 2007, to file a timely application. otherwise, a late fee of $ 50 will be assessed if i re-file between december 5 and december 31, 2007, or $ 250, if i file between january 1 and january 15, 2008.

fine. i can file by december 4th. that's no problem.

i do have a problem, however, with how much i have to pay just to take the damned thing again.

don't these people realize that there are a lot of poor fools like me who can't afford it?

pretty much, i have to pay again the amount i've already paid to fail the damned thing: $ 529.00.

and then tack on another $ 119.00 for the opportunity to take the exam on a laptop.

(seriously, the calbar folks can't just go ahead and use round numbers?)

that's a total of $ 648.00 that i need to come up with by december 4th -- and still be able to do things like pay my bills and for all my basic necessities.

this leaves abbagirl in a bit of a quandry.

it is making me seriously think about taking up another temp job just to get by. a temp job would be just the thing because of how mindless the work is, and i can probably jump from a mindless job during the day to hard-core studying in the evening if i put my mind to it.

i got a voice message earlier this week from someone at the temp office. they are, oh, about four or five weeks late in returning my last voice message to them, in which i gave them notice of my intent to resign. now, the temp office wants to know what my plans are, i.e., if i'm interested in lending my services out again. i haven't called them back yet. perhaps i should keep on temping, i don't know.

my fear in working full time is that my studying would suffer tremendously. i'm generally a multi-tasking kind of girl who can keep occupied with many different things going on at one time; if i don't have my hands in different pots, i get rather bored. but studying for the bar is a full-time occupation in itself. and so the question is essentially, can i handle two full-time jobs at the same time?

if my past experience is any indication . . . well, it would be a challenge.

at the same time, it will only be for three months. surely, it won't be that bad . . . .

but do i want to risk it? only to find myself having wasted yet another precious $ 648 to fail?

that's kinda why i'm mad at the bar examiners at the moment. they really don't want to make it easy for us, do they?

seriously, not even a frickin' discount for miserable repeat test-takers?

in fact, i'd love to see that: a discount for repeat test-takers -- and for each time a test-taker has to re-take the exam until s/he passes, the discount rate should be accordingly increased.

'cause it's pretty fucked.

i'm shaking my head at all this. but i will prevail!! this is just a setback -- and what's a setback but a way for one to challenge oneself into becoming a stronger person, right?

:-P

i'm just having a period in my life at the moment when i feel that i have fallen down on my luck in so many ways and that i cannot, for the life of me, get up out of this massive sinkhole that i've managed to dig for myself. not only that, but all these problems and worries continue to pile themselves onto each other endlessly in a concerted effort to see how far i can sink down into the depths of despair.

but you know, at the same time, i'm just at the point where i can only laugh about it all. i'm at the point where i think i can finally see, far off in the distance, what i want to do and where i want to be in five, ten, or fifteen years from now. i can see it almost clearly and yet not quite. but all i know is, right now, i just have to get myself to fight through all this drudge i have in front of me so that i can get myself to where i rightfully should and can be.

know what i mean?

anyhow, if there's anything i know for sure right now, it's this:

i'm back on my ol' poor-grad-student diet.

this entails one of my favorite recipes. and hell, i will share it here, just in case there happens to be anyone out there in need of a new recipe to change up his or her customary dietary routine. please feel free to take notes and also to suggest any alternative recipes.

ready? here goes -- you need the following:

1. a pot of boiling water

2. a pack of ramen noodles. chicken-flavored is good, but creamy chicken is the best, if you can find it.

3. vienna sausages. don't hate! mystery meat or not, they're actually hella good with ramen noodles. and most importantly, you can usually find them on sale, three cans for $ 1.

4. fresh iceberg lettuce, red or green leaf lettuce, mint leaves, and/or cilantro. my mom likes bean sprouts in hers, and while i'm a fan of bean sprouts in general, i've never liked them cooked in my ramen noodles. but they're definitely an option.

5. and if you really want to live on the edge, just crack an egg into the soup and mix it around until you get something that looks like egg-drop soup.

it's delish! it's one of those recipes that is ideal for when you are too tired, too lazy, or too bored to cook anything else. and you hit all your basic food groups, too.

but you know what the ultimate poor-person meal is, right?

steamed rice.

served with a small side of salted pork. and either freshly sliced cukes or some pickled leeks to balance out the saltiness.

YUM. that's actually one of my favorite meals because of its simplicity. sometimes the simplest foods taste the best and are the most filling.

darn it, all these thoughts about food is making me awfully hungry. time for a midnight snack, i think.