sometimes i think i'm fine.
other times, it hits me that i'm not.
i'm still struggling to do something that i have not mastered after all this time, and it's a theme i have returned to now and then on this blog -- which is trying not to personalize this exam and this whole becoming-a-real-attorney thing so much that i come to associate it with my own sense of self-worth.
this is why i miss my shrink. i think my shrink would be of good use to me right about now. he'd already know what i was going to say before i even said it, but he'd listen to me anyway just to humor me, and then tell me to read that one chapter in his book that address the particular issue.
now, usually, people who refer to their own books as the ultimate source for solutions are pompous. my shrink was no exception -- i thought he was pompous when he did that.
but his book is really fantastic. you can find it here on amazon.
i really don't know what to say. all i can say is that i don't want to fail again. i really don't want to.
i am smart enough to know, on an intellectual level, that this exam is not everything. it's not the whole world. and i know i have pretty adequate skill-sets that will help me earn a good living in any other field i choose.
and yet, irrational as it may seem, this exam is my whole world. if i fail again, then i'll take the motherfucker again. but while i do so, the rest of my life remains on hold; everything gets put away and shelved -- my friends, family, work, reading, writing, running, drinking, all the things i enjoy. and it sucks. i'm frustrated as hell by it all.
i should know this exam is not me. it is not the sum of my self-worth. the scoring of the essays is hit or miss. graders take less than 2 minutes to read through each essay. they don't care what you write about or how you write. they just cursorily skim through your writing, make marks where you mention certain issues, then total up the score. they're paid $ 3 for every essay they read -- hence the fact that they speed through the "reading" of as many essays as they can. this is what we're all up against, as bar examinees. but california is the worst of all the states. this state has one of the worst bar passage rates in the nation because of the presence of the non-aba accredited schools in the state.
the california state bar must love these non-accredited schools. folks from non-aba schools far out-number folks like me, who come from out-of-state aba-accredited schools. i've seen the pass rate for schools like mcgeorge, stanford, uc berkeley, and i've seen the stats for those from the non-accredited schools, like humphreys, university of northern california, etc. there is just no comparison; the non-accredited folks have a really crummy pass rate.
can you imagine the amount of money that comes pouring in from thousands of applicants each year, many of them repeaters like myself? the thing is, california likes keeping the pass rate low. i pay over $ 800 not just to take the exam but to take it on a laptop. i'm just one of tens of thousands of people who continually fork over the dough every six months to keep the coffers of the california state bar association full. there is one lady in my bar review class who's been taking that same bar review course for the past ten years. how do i know? because her picture is hung on the wall in the classroom and dated february 1998.
i don't want to think about how much money she's spent on taking and re-taking the bar the past ten years.
the lecturers in my bar review class keep telling us to take heart and not be daunted by the low pass rates, especially for february. "there are over 200,000 attorneys currently licensed in the state of california," they say. "do you know how many of those 200,000 are dumb asses? you guys" -- pointing to us in the room -- "are a hundred times smarter than them, and you deserve to be counted in that number as much as those dumb asses."
but those dumb ass attorneys are not the enemy; the california state bar exam is.
it get me mad when i think about it. there is no uniform or systematic way of grading the essays. the graders are compensated for the number of essays they grade, and not for the quality or consistently of the grading. who gets fucked? me, you, any repeater.
and i'm not saying i deserved to pass. i fucked up that second MPT in july and miscued. i totally deserve to be sitting here all bummed out and driven crazy with stress and freaking out.
but even as i go through the motions yet again, i do not have hope. and i don't say that in a bitch-and-whine way. i say that in a resigned kind of way.
there is just no experience like this one. i was just thinking that the other night as i lay in bed at about 2 o' clock in the morning and no longer able to keep my eyes open to read another page of yet another black letter law outline. law school and bar review study are the most draining experiences ever. i entered law school as an optimistic over-achiever who had been lauded and loved by all the teachers and professors i'd ever had. and law school was the first time i realized that hard work, determination, and desire didn't really necessarily mean that you could achieve your goals after all. my low point was receiving those first semester grades as a 1L. it shattered me. but it was a good lesson in learning how to not set any more high expectations for myself. and i know i'm not the only one to have felt that way.
it's kinda the same with studying for the bar. it is a do-or-die situation. it's not like the masters examination where you come in armed with the five or six books that you're supposed to have read and sit down to answer a couple of open-ended questions in a timed situation. with the masters exam, there is plenty of wiggle-room; implicitly, you're encouraged to be creative in your response, with the only caveat being that you cite to the text to support your answer and try to remain true to the text.
seriously, i'd rather do a masters exam in english lit every day for the rest of my life than do the bar.
with the bar -- at least the california one -- you just better know shit. and not only know it, but organize it. underline, embolden the key words and issues so that they stand out and so that the precious grader doesn't actually have to read your words but can just make a tick mark on your essay to acknowledge that you thought about it. can't be too wordy because, again, you don't want to waste precious grader's time. but be concise and every time you address a new issue, always use these: "under," "here," "therefore."
issue, rule, conclusion; issue, rule, conclusion; issue, rule, conclusion. . . .
isn't that fucked? it makes me laugh but in a humorless way. the bar exam is not about what you know. it's about how you take the damned test.
i sound bitter, i know. and i'm really sorry for that. but i can't help it. i hate this thing, i really do. and this comes from a girl who is often reluctant to use the word "hate." i like to think i'm open-minded enough to not feel such strong feelings towards any one thing (well, except for bad drivers, animal abusers, wife-beaters, most neo-cons, and oh, this one relative of mine who's a really mean, crass, judgmental bitch). but this bar exam is really pushing it for me -- and so the word fits.
*weary sigh*
i'm off to bed to sleep this off.
oh, but i do have good news which is one of the foremost highlights of the past week: i followed up with that agency i interviewed with last week. the reason i haven't heard back from them is because they're still in the process of interviewing. so i'm to check back with them next week to see what's up.
i really would be surprised if i didn't get it. the timed writing i did was kick-ass for a twenty-minute job. i even added a title and divided the answer into sections flowing in a logical, coherent order.
my sister recommends just continuing to send out applications. she didn't blink an eye when i said i've already sent out 19, which i thought was already a lot, and she pretty much told me i need to do more until i get at least a few more calls. so i'm going to try to send out another 20 by friday (imagine me passing a hand over my weary eyes). i'll give it until mid-march to see if i have any prospects in or around town. i'd consider doing some clerking if not for the fact that it just pays so much less . . . . if nothing pops up, it may be my cue to leave town or even the state.
ugh. i need to go check to see if i have begun to sprout any white hairs on my head. i will try to hang on to my sanity at least until the end of next thursday.
but thereafter, abbagirl will need to go on vacation and get a mental break. she needs to reclaim her mojo, be able to unwind by downing one cosmopolitan after another, and remember how to be the dancing queen she used to be.
Showing posts with label bar review course. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bar review course. Show all posts
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Monday, February 18, 2008
weekend: survived
i am in a giddy giggling mood -- but the kind of giggling that is humorless, empty, and perhaps even on the verge of hysterical. it is from being pooped and feeling so strung out, i think.
i haven't had a weekend this bad since that one time i went to a bachelorette party, got completely drunk off my ass, got down and dirty with the male stripper, got naked with the other girls as we danced together in a mad-happy drunken orgy (to this day, i still don't know how my bra came off of me . . . ), ended up hugging the toilet for the remainder of the night, then feebly tried to drive home 40 miles through a snow blizzard in my little little car with the manual transmission still pissed drunk.
no, no, the party was not the bad part of the weekend -- recovering the next 36 hours was. ;)
ha! wow. just remembering that fantastic party has lifted my mood tremendously.
anyhow, these past three days were absolute hell. i feebly tried to pick up an outline when i got home but instead found myself nodding off. and so i napped -- but am still a bit muggy-minded.
we did a practice run of the entire three days of the bar exam, finishing day 3 today, and even though i was half-hearted through it all (instead of concentrating on the essays, for example, i spent most of the exam time trying to connect my laptop to the internet -- mostly to no avail), i'm glad i forced myself to just go and do it. first day of essays sucked, the second day of mbes was so-so, and today, the third day, was actually better.
i say the mbes were just so-so because although i got a raw score of 138, i had already seen a good chunk of those questions before in prior practice questions i'd done for homework before. so i was mostly all, "wtf?" for the entire 4 hours i did the multiple choice questions. like, i kinda feel cheated. here i am, having done most of my mbe homework for the past couple of months, only to have our 3-day simulation be a repeat of the very same questions i'd done before?
i've been cheated, i tell you! for the past couple of weeks, i have been thinking that this bar review class is a rip-off, and this only confirms it. i want my money back!!
and no, that's no joke or typo above; i only spent 4 hours on my mbes yesterday, not the full 6. and that's normal; it takes me 2 hours to do 100 questions.
it freaks people out. they think i skip questions, that i'm not reading, that i'm giving up, or that i'm a whiz.
it's none of the above, actually. i'm just a fast reader.
i've tried to slow down when doing the practice mbes on my own. and i thought i was taking it easy and slow when i did the simulated exam yesterday. but then, after every fifty questions i did, i'd look at the clock, expecting a full hour to have gone by ('cause trust me, it sure feels like it), only to see that maybe 30-35 minutes have lapsed.
but at this point, i cannot change too much about what i do. i will still be conscientious and try to be careful in answering each question. but if my pace is comfortable, and it is, then i'll stick with doing them as i'm used to doing them.
plus, it's kinda fun to psych people out when they think you're a whiz -- even if nothing could be further than the truth.
i just like fucking with people's minds. :)
today's essays were MUCH better. i did a better job of outlining my answers, and the MPT question was actually more simple than friday's: two tasks to deal with (draft persuasive facts and arguments for appellate brief to the almighty "columbia court of appeals") instead of four.
but overall, i'm still massively weak. i really need to bone up on certain topics. i still need to memorize my intro paragraphs that are necessary to certain topics, like with community property or con law issues, and there are lots of sub-areas within subjects that are weaker than others -- covenants, cy pres doctrine, and other weird little random shit like that. like, i know what they are! but it's just a different story for me when i try to write out my analysis. . . .
that's why the main goal for me is to do more practice essays this week. it's just like driving: you can read the driver's manual all you want, but if you really want to learn how to drive, you have to put the pedal to the metal. and this is the part i'm always just so lazy about. it's hard to be motivated when it comes to doing these things.
but if the fact that there's only ONE WEEK LEFT doesn't scare me enough into doing it, then i've got no business trying to do this thing.
ugh. time to go find the bed. if anything, i can be glad of one thing: i survived this practice run. and now i need to make sure i'm ready for the real one.
i haven't had a weekend this bad since that one time i went to a bachelorette party, got completely drunk off my ass, got down and dirty with the male stripper, got naked with the other girls as we danced together in a mad-happy drunken orgy (to this day, i still don't know how my bra came off of me . . . ), ended up hugging the toilet for the remainder of the night, then feebly tried to drive home 40 miles through a snow blizzard in my little little car with the manual transmission still pissed drunk.
no, no, the party was not the bad part of the weekend -- recovering the next 36 hours was. ;)
ha! wow. just remembering that fantastic party has lifted my mood tremendously.
anyhow, these past three days were absolute hell. i feebly tried to pick up an outline when i got home but instead found myself nodding off. and so i napped -- but am still a bit muggy-minded.
we did a practice run of the entire three days of the bar exam, finishing day 3 today, and even though i was half-hearted through it all (instead of concentrating on the essays, for example, i spent most of the exam time trying to connect my laptop to the internet -- mostly to no avail), i'm glad i forced myself to just go and do it. first day of essays sucked, the second day of mbes was so-so, and today, the third day, was actually better.
i say the mbes were just so-so because although i got a raw score of 138, i had already seen a good chunk of those questions before in prior practice questions i'd done for homework before. so i was mostly all, "wtf?" for the entire 4 hours i did the multiple choice questions. like, i kinda feel cheated. here i am, having done most of my mbe homework for the past couple of months, only to have our 3-day simulation be a repeat of the very same questions i'd done before?
i've been cheated, i tell you! for the past couple of weeks, i have been thinking that this bar review class is a rip-off, and this only confirms it. i want my money back!!
and no, that's no joke or typo above; i only spent 4 hours on my mbes yesterday, not the full 6. and that's normal; it takes me 2 hours to do 100 questions.
it freaks people out. they think i skip questions, that i'm not reading, that i'm giving up, or that i'm a whiz.
it's none of the above, actually. i'm just a fast reader.
i've tried to slow down when doing the practice mbes on my own. and i thought i was taking it easy and slow when i did the simulated exam yesterday. but then, after every fifty questions i did, i'd look at the clock, expecting a full hour to have gone by ('cause trust me, it sure feels like it), only to see that maybe 30-35 minutes have lapsed.
but at this point, i cannot change too much about what i do. i will still be conscientious and try to be careful in answering each question. but if my pace is comfortable, and it is, then i'll stick with doing them as i'm used to doing them.
plus, it's kinda fun to psych people out when they think you're a whiz -- even if nothing could be further than the truth.
i just like fucking with people's minds. :)
today's essays were MUCH better. i did a better job of outlining my answers, and the MPT question was actually more simple than friday's: two tasks to deal with (draft persuasive facts and arguments for appellate brief to the almighty "columbia court of appeals") instead of four.
but overall, i'm still massively weak. i really need to bone up on certain topics. i still need to memorize my intro paragraphs that are necessary to certain topics, like with community property or con law issues, and there are lots of sub-areas within subjects that are weaker than others -- covenants, cy pres doctrine, and other weird little random shit like that. like, i know what they are! but it's just a different story for me when i try to write out my analysis. . . .
that's why the main goal for me is to do more practice essays this week. it's just like driving: you can read the driver's manual all you want, but if you really want to learn how to drive, you have to put the pedal to the metal. and this is the part i'm always just so lazy about. it's hard to be motivated when it comes to doing these things.
but if the fact that there's only ONE WEEK LEFT doesn't scare me enough into doing it, then i've got no business trying to do this thing.
ugh. time to go find the bed. if anything, i can be glad of one thing: i survived this practice run. and now i need to make sure i'm ready for the real one.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
a PT-ish kind of day
by that, i mean, Pretty Tiring. i pretty much just got up from a five-hour nap. if a five-hour snooze fest can be considered a nap.
it was also Public Transportation day. i took the the train downtown again to avoid paying for parking. it was a nice mellow ride.
we had a Practice Test run at the bar review class today. today was a simulation for day 1: 6 hours of essay-writing.
i had a Performance Test melt-down. had absolutely no idea how to answer the practice MPT question at all. i mean, i thought i did until i re-read the prompt about 90 minutes into it and realized i'd miscued. damn it. it was a question that was actually used on the july 2001 california bar exam. so in other words, i would've failed the summer 2001 bar exam, too. but overall, i'm glad i did it -- because i know that i just need confidence in my ability to pull out the rule from my ass even if i don't know the exact rule verbatim and also because i now know where my weak areas still are (covenants!!!). but the other girl who's usually my partner in crime called in to say she was sick -- and she has missed a lot of classes -- so not sure how dedicated she is to passing, which makes me worried for her sake . . . .
Poultry-Tending day. just kidding -- my hens are not poultry. i just Pilfer Their eggs. and they were Pretty Ticked that i hadn't come out to see them for a while. oh, and i also came across a mouse in the food bin; i've no idea how it got into a sealed bin that is four feet off the ground with completely unclimbable sides. and when it jumped out at me, i Panicked The hell out and screamed like, well, a girl.
but the main reason why today is a PT-ish kind of day: i will be Perpetually Thankful to the anonymous commenter who took the time to craft that excellent explanation of the moore approach to my post from the other day. i've read through anonymous' explanation six times now, and it is amazing how clearly i understand it. it is really the best explanation i've ever seen.
thank you so much, anonymous. you've totally made my day. and i've got no words for how grateful i am.
:)
it was also Public Transportation day. i took the the train downtown again to avoid paying for parking. it was a nice mellow ride.
we had a Practice Test run at the bar review class today. today was a simulation for day 1: 6 hours of essay-writing.
i had a Performance Test melt-down. had absolutely no idea how to answer the practice MPT question at all. i mean, i thought i did until i re-read the prompt about 90 minutes into it and realized i'd miscued. damn it. it was a question that was actually used on the july 2001 california bar exam. so in other words, i would've failed the summer 2001 bar exam, too. but overall, i'm glad i did it -- because i know that i just need confidence in my ability to pull out the rule from my ass even if i don't know the exact rule verbatim and also because i now know where my weak areas still are (covenants!!!). but the other girl who's usually my partner in crime called in to say she was sick -- and she has missed a lot of classes -- so not sure how dedicated she is to passing, which makes me worried for her sake . . . .
Poultry-Tending day. just kidding -- my hens are not poultry. i just Pilfer Their eggs. and they were Pretty Ticked that i hadn't come out to see them for a while. oh, and i also came across a mouse in the food bin; i've no idea how it got into a sealed bin that is four feet off the ground with completely unclimbable sides. and when it jumped out at me, i Panicked The hell out and screamed like, well, a girl.
but the main reason why today is a PT-ish kind of day: i will be Perpetually Thankful to the anonymous commenter who took the time to craft that excellent explanation of the moore approach to my post from the other day. i've read through anonymous' explanation six times now, and it is amazing how clearly i understand it. it is really the best explanation i've ever seen.
thank you so much, anonymous. you've totally made my day. and i've got no words for how grateful i am.
:)
Friday, February 15, 2008
a bullet-point kind of day
- i'm an azn airhead. arrrgh!!!
i'm having the damnedest time memorizing these stinkin' rules! no wonder i'm a repeater.
#@?&^%$!!!
- i actually went to real estate class tonight. this class is one of three that you're required to take in order to take your real estate licensing test. i'm taking it through a local j.c., and the class seems like a total breeze so far. it's taught by a guy who used to be an attorney but stopped practicing because he hated the job. so now he's doing real estate -- and teaching on the side.
i'm glad i went to class -- tonight's topic was on (whaddya know?) california community property and forms of ownership. the lecture didn't go into as much depth as, say, the bar exam requires, but it was still a good overview, and i'm pseudo-glad i went.
i may miss next week's class, though. and then the first exam (100 points) will be the week after, on day 3 of the exam. even though it is possible for me to zip over to class right after the bar exam that day, since it is an evening class, the prof says he's totally willing to work with me because he doesn't think i'd be in any condition to take his exam. that's a huge load off my mind.
for the record, i didn't tell him i had a bar exam coming up. i had my cover blown by someone with whom i'm taking the class -- and so before i knew it, the whole class knew why i didn't go to class last week without me saying a single word. but if nothing had been said, i certainly would have put out the effort to take the test that day. now that i don't have to, well, i won't. :-D
- i've been wondering: will i be able to make it through all three days of the bar exam without the familiar, comforting weight of my dog curled up and snoring on my lap? i really don't think i can. i've gotten so used to her; i know i'll feel bereft.
- because of my state of azn airheadedness, i have added ginseng pills to my daily diet to help improve my memory. i'll let you know if i grow any new brain cells as a result. oh, and i also got myself a bottle of caffeine pills.
who knows. they may come in handy.
- what's up with this jason kidd nonsense? if it wasn't bad enough that he's a wife beater, he's also a whiner!
apparently, new jersey and dallas were on the verge of completing a trade -- jason kidd and malik allen going to the mavericks in exchange for devin harris, jerry stackhouse, desagana diop, maurice ager, and devean george. and the only reason the trade fell through was because george exercised an option in his contract that pretty much allows him to veto any trade that he's involved in.
pretty smart, whoever george's agent is.
i feel for kidd. he's a championship-caliber guy, and i know he's itching to be on a contending team.
but do you have to whine?
some great players who never won a championship but never whined about it include patrick ewing, karl malone, john stockton, dominique wilkins, the great sir charles barkley. seriously, mr. kidd, i know you're on a sucky ass team despite playing alongside vince carter and richard jefferson, but have some dignity, for pete's sake.
- i have a three-day simulated bar exam, starting tomorrow morning, at my bar review class. conditions will be exactly like the bar. tomorrow will be essays, saturday will be multiple choice, and then sunday will be essays again.
dammit. i seriously am not ready. i'm screwed! and then when it's all said and done, and our practice exams have been scored, richard will give me a hard time and wonder why i didn't do better then i did. and then i'll say, "because i'm an azn airhead, richard! i'm sorry!" but i know he won't buy it.
i can't wait for these next two weeks to be over and done with.
and yet i can wait, if you know what i mean. :-P
- i can't wait to get shit-faced.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
late-night introspection
for a while there, i had to really fight the urge to dash over to the smoke shop near my house to get cigs.
luckily, the craving only hit me during the late-night hours when this particular smoke shop is closed. i refuse to smoke anything but this one particular brand -- and that shop is the only one that carries it -- and sells it at discount to boot. :-D
but luckily, the craving has stopped.
instead, what i'm fighting against at the moment are the negative, self-sabotaging thoughts.
when i started my bar review class, i and the other folks taking the class were given a stern, arrogant talking-to by the attorney-instructor. he knew most of us were repeaters. and in that one night, he hit home for us why we were repeaters.
pretty much it all boils down to self-sabotage.
my friend waitress, j.d., has blogged about this aspect as it pertains to her. i empathize with her post a great deal, but my story, while similar to hers in many respects, is still a bit different.
my bio isn't worth going over. but suffice to say, i recognize that my challenge in conquering the bar exam has not only to do with making sure i understand the black letter law but also in having the confidence to go forward and beyond this test to the next level and actually be an attorney.
basically, that first night, the bar review instructor asked us rhetorically, "why do you want to pass the bar?"
then he paused dramatically.
"of course, your answer is 'to be an attorney!' but that's not what i mean. i mean, why do you want to be an attorney? what do you see yourself doing after you pass this bar? what are your plans?"
and that's what got me. my mind completely hit a wall. i have been so riveted on the bar exam since graduating law school. even when i chose not to take it and deferred it, i still thought about it. but i never envisioned, on a practical level, what would happen after that, were i to pass.
of course, i can see myself sitting behind a desk behind mounds of folders, looking great in these great suits i got tailor-made for myself when i visited vietnam last year (it was so cheap to do these suits -- and i look great in them! if i do say so myself ;) ). but what am i actually doing?
damned if i know.
i just never really thought that far because, short-sighted as i am, i only focused on this one singular, insurmountable barrier. do i want to be a lawyer? do i not? i don't even like most lawyers. but even this question of whether i like or don't like lawyers is a form of self-sabotage, too.
isn't it??
i think it is. . . . i think it was a way for me to accept being fine with not having become an attorney without even trying for it -- and then it became a way for me to justify failing the bar and accepting failure even before i got the results back.
this time around, my mindset's kind of changed. i am so much more relaxed than i was while studying for last july's exam. i am kind of more accepting of what will happen. if i fail it again, i may or may not take it again this summer. who knows. it helps that i have other options on the table that i am as passionate about completing. like, if i had absolutely no other career choice available, then yes, i'd keep at it. but that's not the case -- thank goodness.
every time i talk to one of my best friends from law school on the phone, she marvels at me. she marvels at how i just "troop through" stuff (that's her phrase). and i was surprised; i've always felt stigmatized and that my law school friends were always disappointed in me or talking smack about my underachieving tendencies in these recent years. so feeling somewhat embarrassed about the obviously admiring tone in her voice, i told her i didn't feel much like a "trooper" at all, having experienced so many set-backs. i told her i didn't even feel like i could hold my head up very high sometimes.
but she emphatically dismissed that, saying, "but you're still hanging in there! most people would've given up by now. i would've given up!" and she compared me and how i am today to how she used to know me when we were still in law school. "you're so much more calmer today than you were then, and more mature" -- (which is true -- i was a really young, naive, sheltered 21-year-old when i started law school) -- "there's no way i could do what you're doing. you're so much stronger now today than before, and much stronger than me."
exasperated but somewhat touched, i told her, "dude, there's no way you'd ever have gotten yourself in the same kind of situation as me. i'm totally lame!"
but good friend that she is, she wouldn't have any of it.
ugh. damned self-sabotage. i really don't know where i get that.
but i just really have this perpetual mind-set of believing that i simply don't deserve anything good, am not worthy of having good things happen to me, and even when good things do happen, i dismiss them as flukes or a result of lucky happenstance.
and i see that happening in relationships, too. and maybe that's why they all tend to go bad. . . . now don't get me wrong. i'm a girl who stands alone. i like being unattached, single, and having absolutely no obligations.
generally speaking, anyway.
that, of course, changes when i meet someone who rocks my world.
and then what tends to happen is just that i end up caring a bit too much and make the relationship all about pleasing the other person to the point of self-sacrifice. and i don't do it on purpose. i think i get it from my mom; we both love pretty rarely, but when we do, it is all in, and it's intense. nothing is too much to do for our loved ones. blood, organ, life, limb -- if you want it, need it, you don't have to ask twice; you got it. and the rest of the world can go to hell, but if you mess with someone we love, you better be prepared to go to hell, too.
but the idea behind it is that, somehow, you're not worthy of the love of someone else. and so the more you undertake physical actions that show what you'd do for another, what you'd give up, the more you show the other person that you are indeed worthy of being loved.
and i dunno. i used to think it was great to be that way. with everyone i love, it's all about loyalty and passion -- and showing that while it's one thing to say something, it's quite another to do it and prove it. actions speak louder than words, after all.
yet sooner or later, you do wonder what the hell you're doing and why you give up so much of yourself yet still believe that you aren't even worthy of the same in return.
and i'm thinking, now, that this is just another symptom of the self-sabotage, i'm-not-worthy-of-anything-good sentiment.
and i certainly don't think it's a condition unique to me. girls and women around the world suffer this to a certain extent. we're always taught to make our own needs and wishes subservient to those around us, particularly to male authority. but i think my tendency to do this has been exacerbated by the damned filial piety ideal that is embedded within confucianism and its practice. it really teaches young kids to be subservient to the will of parents, of elders, of older brothers and sisters, and to respected men. i respect confucianism for creating social order and the practice of venerating the wise and the elders.
but it sure can have screwy effects.
:-P
i think i do have a point as i rattle off these thoughts going on in my head tonight.
my point is maybe i am worthy of more than i give myself credit for.
maybe i deserve to pass the bar.
maybe i deserve to move on with my life if i don't pass.
and maybe i deserve the good things that happen to me as much as i deserve the bad things.
*sigh*
*shrug*
in any case, i do believe that there is indeed at least one important question all of us repeat bar examinees should ask ourselves if we find ourselves struggling with the insurmountable challenges that passing the bar exam poses.
and the question is not "how much have you studied?" nor "how many practice exams have you taken thus far?"
the question is, "why do you want to pass?"
my bar review instructor asserts that if you can't answer that question, just like i couldn't answer that question, then maybe, just maybe, we shouldn't be lawyers and should stop wasting our time, money, and effort. we should opt for a new career instead.
when he said that, i was chagrined and ashamed. he wasn't speaking to me directly, but i still sure as hell felt that he was.
so it's time to start thinking about whether we want it -- and if so, how much -- and where we envision ourselves and what our plans are.
why do we want to pass?
luckily, the craving only hit me during the late-night hours when this particular smoke shop is closed. i refuse to smoke anything but this one particular brand -- and that shop is the only one that carries it -- and sells it at discount to boot. :-D
but luckily, the craving has stopped.
instead, what i'm fighting against at the moment are the negative, self-sabotaging thoughts.
when i started my bar review class, i and the other folks taking the class were given a stern, arrogant talking-to by the attorney-instructor. he knew most of us were repeaters. and in that one night, he hit home for us why we were repeaters.
pretty much it all boils down to self-sabotage.
my friend waitress, j.d., has blogged about this aspect as it pertains to her. i empathize with her post a great deal, but my story, while similar to hers in many respects, is still a bit different.
my bio isn't worth going over. but suffice to say, i recognize that my challenge in conquering the bar exam has not only to do with making sure i understand the black letter law but also in having the confidence to go forward and beyond this test to the next level and actually be an attorney.
basically, that first night, the bar review instructor asked us rhetorically, "why do you want to pass the bar?"
then he paused dramatically.
"of course, your answer is 'to be an attorney!' but that's not what i mean. i mean, why do you want to be an attorney? what do you see yourself doing after you pass this bar? what are your plans?"
and that's what got me. my mind completely hit a wall. i have been so riveted on the bar exam since graduating law school. even when i chose not to take it and deferred it, i still thought about it. but i never envisioned, on a practical level, what would happen after that, were i to pass.
of course, i can see myself sitting behind a desk behind mounds of folders, looking great in these great suits i got tailor-made for myself when i visited vietnam last year (it was so cheap to do these suits -- and i look great in them! if i do say so myself ;) ). but what am i actually doing?
damned if i know.
i just never really thought that far because, short-sighted as i am, i only focused on this one singular, insurmountable barrier. do i want to be a lawyer? do i not? i don't even like most lawyers. but even this question of whether i like or don't like lawyers is a form of self-sabotage, too.
isn't it??
i think it is. . . . i think it was a way for me to accept being fine with not having become an attorney without even trying for it -- and then it became a way for me to justify failing the bar and accepting failure even before i got the results back.
this time around, my mindset's kind of changed. i am so much more relaxed than i was while studying for last july's exam. i am kind of more accepting of what will happen. if i fail it again, i may or may not take it again this summer. who knows. it helps that i have other options on the table that i am as passionate about completing. like, if i had absolutely no other career choice available, then yes, i'd keep at it. but that's not the case -- thank goodness.
every time i talk to one of my best friends from law school on the phone, she marvels at me. she marvels at how i just "troop through" stuff (that's her phrase). and i was surprised; i've always felt stigmatized and that my law school friends were always disappointed in me or talking smack about my underachieving tendencies in these recent years. so feeling somewhat embarrassed about the obviously admiring tone in her voice, i told her i didn't feel much like a "trooper" at all, having experienced so many set-backs. i told her i didn't even feel like i could hold my head up very high sometimes.
but she emphatically dismissed that, saying, "but you're still hanging in there! most people would've given up by now. i would've given up!" and she compared me and how i am today to how she used to know me when we were still in law school. "you're so much more calmer today than you were then, and more mature" -- (which is true -- i was a really young, naive, sheltered 21-year-old when i started law school) -- "there's no way i could do what you're doing. you're so much stronger now today than before, and much stronger than me."
exasperated but somewhat touched, i told her, "dude, there's no way you'd ever have gotten yourself in the same kind of situation as me. i'm totally lame!"
but good friend that she is, she wouldn't have any of it.
ugh. damned self-sabotage. i really don't know where i get that.
but i just really have this perpetual mind-set of believing that i simply don't deserve anything good, am not worthy of having good things happen to me, and even when good things do happen, i dismiss them as flukes or a result of lucky happenstance.
and i see that happening in relationships, too. and maybe that's why they all tend to go bad. . . . now don't get me wrong. i'm a girl who stands alone. i like being unattached, single, and having absolutely no obligations.
generally speaking, anyway.
that, of course, changes when i meet someone who rocks my world.
and then what tends to happen is just that i end up caring a bit too much and make the relationship all about pleasing the other person to the point of self-sacrifice. and i don't do it on purpose. i think i get it from my mom; we both love pretty rarely, but when we do, it is all in, and it's intense. nothing is too much to do for our loved ones. blood, organ, life, limb -- if you want it, need it, you don't have to ask twice; you got it. and the rest of the world can go to hell, but if you mess with someone we love, you better be prepared to go to hell, too.
but the idea behind it is that, somehow, you're not worthy of the love of someone else. and so the more you undertake physical actions that show what you'd do for another, what you'd give up, the more you show the other person that you are indeed worthy of being loved.
and i dunno. i used to think it was great to be that way. with everyone i love, it's all about loyalty and passion -- and showing that while it's one thing to say something, it's quite another to do it and prove it. actions speak louder than words, after all.
yet sooner or later, you do wonder what the hell you're doing and why you give up so much of yourself yet still believe that you aren't even worthy of the same in return.
and i'm thinking, now, that this is just another symptom of the self-sabotage, i'm-not-worthy-of-anything-good sentiment.
and i certainly don't think it's a condition unique to me. girls and women around the world suffer this to a certain extent. we're always taught to make our own needs and wishes subservient to those around us, particularly to male authority. but i think my tendency to do this has been exacerbated by the damned filial piety ideal that is embedded within confucianism and its practice. it really teaches young kids to be subservient to the will of parents, of elders, of older brothers and sisters, and to respected men. i respect confucianism for creating social order and the practice of venerating the wise and the elders.
but it sure can have screwy effects.
:-P
i think i do have a point as i rattle off these thoughts going on in my head tonight.
my point is maybe i am worthy of more than i give myself credit for.
maybe i deserve to pass the bar.
maybe i deserve to move on with my life if i don't pass.
and maybe i deserve the good things that happen to me as much as i deserve the bad things.
*sigh*
*shrug*
in any case, i do believe that there is indeed at least one important question all of us repeat bar examinees should ask ourselves if we find ourselves struggling with the insurmountable challenges that passing the bar exam poses.
and the question is not "how much have you studied?" nor "how many practice exams have you taken thus far?"
the question is, "why do you want to pass?"
my bar review instructor asserts that if you can't answer that question, just like i couldn't answer that question, then maybe, just maybe, we shouldn't be lawyers and should stop wasting our time, money, and effort. we should opt for a new career instead.
when he said that, i was chagrined and ashamed. he wasn't speaking to me directly, but i still sure as hell felt that he was.
so it's time to start thinking about whether we want it -- and if so, how much -- and where we envision ourselves and what our plans are.
why do we want to pass?
Saturday, December 29, 2007
i need richard!
as much as that dear old man richard had begun to annoy me, in those last days of class leading up to christmas, i am finding that i need the old coot desperately.
i haven't studied all week!!
i need the discipline he provided. i need the structure! i need incentive to set time aside and to put earnest effort into studying.
without him, i'm floundering and aimless!
i started up my efforts at studying again yesterday. then got distracted because a friend called me and needed some help on something. and that ended that effort.
but i am trying again today. i've been at this coffee shop for about two hours now, trying to plow through a contracts outline.
for someone who hasn't studied much lately, i'm pretty sick of studying. i screwed myself over by waiting so long since graduating from law school to take the damned thing. the instructor of my bar review course, tim, pretty much said so. he said that the further removed you are from having graduated from law school, the crappier your chances are of passing. further, if you are taking the bar in february as opposed to july, your chances are even slimmer. and to make things even more disillusioning, he said that each time a repeat bar exam taker has to take the bar, his or her chances for passing grow more and more miniscule. to illustrate this point, the instructor held up his thumb and index finger only millimeters apart from each other.
he might as well have gone ahead and stabbed me in the gut 100 times.
so i'm keeping those words of warning close to my heart right now. i'm trying to get into the mindset that these are the kinds of words that should inspire me to defy the odds. i cannot fail again!
and yet i'm not feeling all that inspired. i just feel rather . . . down. among a whole host of other things.
it's really hard to precisely describe how i feel about the bar at this point because all the feelings are so conflicting. "down" is only one of the feelings.
i do feel a sense of determination. obviously, i do want to pass~
but i feel defeated already, like there's no point, no chance of success.
i feel like i'm not up to the task and just don't have the brain-power to surmount this shit.
i feel ashamed because i kinda skipped out of an extended-family gathering recently out of shame and fear of having to confess my failings to the family -- only to find out that my absence still caused them to talk about how i did not pass.
i feel irked because, having been out of work for as long as i have, everyone assumes that i am mooching money off my parents to get by -- which makes me mad! because that's not the case at all! sorry, but believe it or not, it's been all me so far. and i am actually quite proud of myself for learning how to curb what were otherwise really bad spending habits and learning to live frugally. financially, i am still doing quite well right now, thank you very much.
sure, i do give in to the urge to splurge when i need to -- i.e., my recent purchase of hanae mori perfume. but bottom line is that i take care of myself, just like i always do.
and i get the feeling that lots of people -- family, friends, and strangers -- are of the opinion that i'm only wasting my time by going back to school. it is not so much that i want to be a perpetual student so that i can avoid "facing up to reality" and "becoming an adult." screw the people who think that! for me, it's all about the pursuit of my livelihood. when i finally get myself situated into a career, i will be stuck for the next good twenty or thirty years of my life. it's therefore essential that, whatever i choose as my career, i will have no qualms about spending a good chunk of my life doing it and that i will always have passion for it.
screw these downers!!
so yeah, throw feelings of irritation into the mix as well.
but on top of all that, a part of me has nonetheless kinda bought into those criticisms. and i wonder what i'm doing wasting my time re-taking the bar and in applying to grad school.
yeah, i am starting to question the whole ph.d. thing, too. i am stacked knee-deep in student-loan debt that i don't think i'll ever be able to pay off during my lifetime. the idea that i'll be adding even more debt to my name makes me sweat cold bullets.
*big heaving sigh*
people don't know what it's like to be me!
it's gotten to the point where my face is seriously breaking out. i haven't had this kind of break-out since junior high! it's heinous!!
thankfully, i came across this post by sugarshock, which says that omega-3 has properties that are good for one's skin in addition to gads more other benefits. so i got myself some supplements the other day. i hope this solves the problem, and if it does, i will definitely start raving about it here on this blog.
seriously, i have no idea where this break-out comes from, other than pure stress. even though it is the holiday, i.e., goody-eating, season, my diet hasn't really changed. in fact, since i'm conscious of how much weight i tend to gain while in study-mode, i've actually been eating less. i still have my toasted bagel and cream cheese, plus coffee, for breakfast, and then rice or whatever for dinner. so i have really not been eating very much crap lately. . . . at least i don't think so . . . .
it's the damned stress!!! and i'm not surprised if i also have gads of white hair growing on my head! the last time i was at my stylist's, she had to pluck a good number of white strands out.
this law crap is making me grow old before my time -- and disgusting to boot!!
speaking of, it's time for me to go find some dinner now. my mom is making bun cha lua for dinner tonight, so i must rush over to her house. my tumbly is all rumbly now.
in the meantime, until bar review class starts up again, i'll be missing richard. i need him to help get motivated and thinking positively about the damned bar exam again.
richard! i'm so sorry i started getting annoyed by you. i need you! please save me!
i haven't studied all week!!
i need the discipline he provided. i need the structure! i need incentive to set time aside and to put earnest effort into studying.
without him, i'm floundering and aimless!
i started up my efforts at studying again yesterday. then got distracted because a friend called me and needed some help on something. and that ended that effort.
but i am trying again today. i've been at this coffee shop for about two hours now, trying to plow through a contracts outline.
for someone who hasn't studied much lately, i'm pretty sick of studying. i screwed myself over by waiting so long since graduating from law school to take the damned thing. the instructor of my bar review course, tim, pretty much said so. he said that the further removed you are from having graduated from law school, the crappier your chances are of passing. further, if you are taking the bar in february as opposed to july, your chances are even slimmer. and to make things even more disillusioning, he said that each time a repeat bar exam taker has to take the bar, his or her chances for passing grow more and more miniscule. to illustrate this point, the instructor held up his thumb and index finger only millimeters apart from each other.
he might as well have gone ahead and stabbed me in the gut 100 times.
so i'm keeping those words of warning close to my heart right now. i'm trying to get into the mindset that these are the kinds of words that should inspire me to defy the odds. i cannot fail again!
and yet i'm not feeling all that inspired. i just feel rather . . . down. among a whole host of other things.
it's really hard to precisely describe how i feel about the bar at this point because all the feelings are so conflicting. "down" is only one of the feelings.
i do feel a sense of determination. obviously, i do want to pass~
but i feel defeated already, like there's no point, no chance of success.
i feel like i'm not up to the task and just don't have the brain-power to surmount this shit.
i feel ashamed because i kinda skipped out of an extended-family gathering recently out of shame and fear of having to confess my failings to the family -- only to find out that my absence still caused them to talk about how i did not pass.
i feel irked because, having been out of work for as long as i have, everyone assumes that i am mooching money off my parents to get by -- which makes me mad! because that's not the case at all! sorry, but believe it or not, it's been all me so far. and i am actually quite proud of myself for learning how to curb what were otherwise really bad spending habits and learning to live frugally. financially, i am still doing quite well right now, thank you very much.
sure, i do give in to the urge to splurge when i need to -- i.e., my recent purchase of hanae mori perfume. but bottom line is that i take care of myself, just like i always do.
and i get the feeling that lots of people -- family, friends, and strangers -- are of the opinion that i'm only wasting my time by going back to school. it is not so much that i want to be a perpetual student so that i can avoid "facing up to reality" and "becoming an adult." screw the people who think that! for me, it's all about the pursuit of my livelihood. when i finally get myself situated into a career, i will be stuck for the next good twenty or thirty years of my life. it's therefore essential that, whatever i choose as my career, i will have no qualms about spending a good chunk of my life doing it and that i will always have passion for it.
screw these downers!!
so yeah, throw feelings of irritation into the mix as well.
but on top of all that, a part of me has nonetheless kinda bought into those criticisms. and i wonder what i'm doing wasting my time re-taking the bar and in applying to grad school.
yeah, i am starting to question the whole ph.d. thing, too. i am stacked knee-deep in student-loan debt that i don't think i'll ever be able to pay off during my lifetime. the idea that i'll be adding even more debt to my name makes me sweat cold bullets.
*big heaving sigh*
people don't know what it's like to be me!
it's gotten to the point where my face is seriously breaking out. i haven't had this kind of break-out since junior high! it's heinous!!
thankfully, i came across this post by sugarshock, which says that omega-3 has properties that are good for one's skin in addition to gads more other benefits. so i got myself some supplements the other day. i hope this solves the problem, and if it does, i will definitely start raving about it here on this blog.
seriously, i have no idea where this break-out comes from, other than pure stress. even though it is the holiday, i.e., goody-eating, season, my diet hasn't really changed. in fact, since i'm conscious of how much weight i tend to gain while in study-mode, i've actually been eating less. i still have my toasted bagel and cream cheese, plus coffee, for breakfast, and then rice or whatever for dinner. so i have really not been eating very much crap lately. . . . at least i don't think so . . . .
it's the damned stress!!! and i'm not surprised if i also have gads of white hair growing on my head! the last time i was at my stylist's, she had to pluck a good number of white strands out.
this law crap is making me grow old before my time -- and disgusting to boot!!
speaking of, it's time for me to go find some dinner now. my mom is making bun cha lua for dinner tonight, so i must rush over to her house. my tumbly is all rumbly now.
in the meantime, until bar review class starts up again, i'll be missing richard. i need him to help get motivated and thinking positively about the damned bar exam again.
richard! i'm so sorry i started getting annoyed by you. i need you! please save me!
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
today i . . .
- changed the colors of my blog again.
i changed the background color to blue because i was thinking of the fleetwood mac song, "storms," during my drive home tonight. there is a line in the song that goes, "never have i been a blue, calm sea / i have always been a storm."
for the first time in a long time, i felt like a blue, calm sea today.
- re-discovered how much i hate real property law after a four-hour session on the topic in bar review class that ran from 6 p.m. to 10 p.m. without a break.
- marveled, as i drove home from bar review class, at a number of extravagant christmas light displays that were in front of a number of homes.
- put aside my cravings for chinese food or a guacamole bacon burger from red robin, instead eating a fried egg sandwich along with a stick of celery with peanut butter as my late dinner.
so my eating habits are weird. so?!
i tell ya, it didn't taste as good as this would've:
- let my best friend, whom i've known since the fifth grade, talk me into having lunch with him and a couple of our old high school classmates later this week, both of whom, although quite weird in high school, have tripled their weirdness in the almost-ten years since we graduated and whom i have not seen nor wanted to see nor even thought of seeing in all that time.
ugh! you can bet i will be bloggin' 'bout that experience later this week. :-P
- miss someone a lot.
"storms" -- fleetwood mac
Sunday, December 16, 2007
bah humbug!
omg. the dude who likes using the ladies' restroom instead of getting his lazy ass on downstairs to the dude's restroom is at it again!
he is also a pain in the butt to me personally. he has a crush on me and likes to give me his unwanted attention.
i can do without! he's annoying! he is not even anywhere near hot, either.
bleh!
as long as his germified hands don't go anywhere near the delicious cookies that richard brought out for us, though, i'll be fine.
i am finding christmas to be an obnoxious time of year.
just going to the store to get school supplies or to get groceries ends up being time-consuming and an agonizing, patience-eroding time. sooo many people are out and about, and they are ill-tempered and rude. and when they are rude, then i get ill-tempered, too.
it doesn't help that i have to wait forEVer in line just to buy a sack of apples and a batch of bagels while everyone has gads and gads of stuff in their shopping carts so that they can do their holiday meals and stuff. at the post office, too, i have to wait forEVer in line to use the automated, self-serve machine just to mail a single grad school application envelope while, in front of me, there are gads of people who have to mail thirteen thousand christmas cards.
ugh! my ease of life is made all difficult because of christmas!
it seems to me that people are getting even crazier on the roads this time of year, too. i'm especially hatin' on suburban types who drive those big ol' dodge ram or chevy trucks. i also especially hate minivan drivers.
have i mentioned how much i hate suburbia? suburbia blows!
so i desperately cannot wait for the christmas season to be over and for life to get back to its usual pace. the only good thing to come out of the holiday seasons in my eyes is the fact that starbuck's offers, for a limited time, their gingerbread, eggnog, and peppermint flavored lattes.
oh, and all the holiday sales at all my favorite shops aren't bad, either.
but other than that, christmas is not my favorite time of the year!
it just blows my mind that for a holiday that is supposed to be imbued with a sense of selflessness, hope, and a whole host of warm touchy-feely sentiments, what it actually does is bring out the worst in people. what is christmas these days but a way for people to indulge in their sense of materialism and get all short-tempered when things don't go their way?
that's why i say "forget it!" i don't need to play that game.
the one part of christmas that i do have fun with is the gift-giving part.
the problem is that i probably can't give as much as i'd like to this year. . . .
for me, i don't give gifts merely to go through the motions. i do it because i like it. i think about the personality of the person i'd like to get a gift for, what happened to the person during the year, inside jokes that we may have between us. the way i see it, good gift-giving is like working through a puzzle with the ultimate goal being to surmise exactly what material good best befits the recipient's personality or mind-set or yen.
but the key is not to do it because you feel you have to but because you want to. there's no fun in going shopping and buying gifts for other people if your heart is really not into it.
the way i see it is this:
life is short. it is too short to be wasting precious effort on words and actions that have no meaning. so when you say something, mean it. when you do something, make your action purposeful. i don't want to die, whether tomorrow or in fifty years, and have wasted all that time doing things that were empty and meaningless.
it's a philosophy i try to apply in all things, including this christmas craziness.
but hey, maybe that's just me.
he is also a pain in the butt to me personally. he has a crush on me and likes to give me his unwanted attention.
i can do without! he's annoying! he is not even anywhere near hot, either.
bleh!
as long as his germified hands don't go anywhere near the delicious cookies that richard brought out for us, though, i'll be fine.
i am finding christmas to be an obnoxious time of year.
just going to the store to get school supplies or to get groceries ends up being time-consuming and an agonizing, patience-eroding time. sooo many people are out and about, and they are ill-tempered and rude. and when they are rude, then i get ill-tempered, too.
it doesn't help that i have to wait forEVer in line just to buy a sack of apples and a batch of bagels while everyone has gads and gads of stuff in their shopping carts so that they can do their holiday meals and stuff. at the post office, too, i have to wait forEVer in line to use the automated, self-serve machine just to mail a single grad school application envelope while, in front of me, there are gads of people who have to mail thirteen thousand christmas cards.
ugh! my ease of life is made all difficult because of christmas!
it seems to me that people are getting even crazier on the roads this time of year, too. i'm especially hatin' on suburban types who drive those big ol' dodge ram or chevy trucks. i also especially hate minivan drivers.
have i mentioned how much i hate suburbia? suburbia blows!
so i desperately cannot wait for the christmas season to be over and for life to get back to its usual pace. the only good thing to come out of the holiday seasons in my eyes is the fact that starbuck's offers, for a limited time, their gingerbread, eggnog, and peppermint flavored lattes.
oh, and all the holiday sales at all my favorite shops aren't bad, either.
but other than that, christmas is not my favorite time of the year!
it just blows my mind that for a holiday that is supposed to be imbued with a sense of selflessness, hope, and a whole host of warm touchy-feely sentiments, what it actually does is bring out the worst in people. what is christmas these days but a way for people to indulge in their sense of materialism and get all short-tempered when things don't go their way?
that's why i say "forget it!" i don't need to play that game.
the one part of christmas that i do have fun with is the gift-giving part.
the problem is that i probably can't give as much as i'd like to this year. . . .
for me, i don't give gifts merely to go through the motions. i do it because i like it. i think about the personality of the person i'd like to get a gift for, what happened to the person during the year, inside jokes that we may have between us. the way i see it, good gift-giving is like working through a puzzle with the ultimate goal being to surmise exactly what material good best befits the recipient's personality or mind-set or yen.
but the key is not to do it because you feel you have to but because you want to. there's no fun in going shopping and buying gifts for other people if your heart is really not into it.
the way i see it is this:
life is short. it is too short to be wasting precious effort on words and actions that have no meaning. so when you say something, mean it. when you do something, make your action purposeful. i don't want to die, whether tomorrow or in fifty years, and have wasted all that time doing things that were empty and meaningless.
it's a philosophy i try to apply in all things, including this christmas craziness.
but hey, maybe that's just me.
bar review still going strong
i slept too much this morning.
but i couldn't help it. i was having a wacky dream, the details of which i can't even remember at this point. in the dream, there were lots of people i know and lots of people i didn't know, and we were on some mission together because some other distrustful people had been messing with us. and so we were plotting together, a la mission: impossible, a retaliation.
it's one of those dreams where you hover in and out of consciousness and know you should get out of bed because it is starting to be late morning. but the dream keeps you interested and eager to see how the end plays out.
in the end, i missed out on the ending because my dog couldn't take it anymore and woke me up. she really had to go pee.
an update on bar review study: this week, we're doing mbe questions. one subject per day, and we have to have all our questions answered by the time we get to class, where we will then watch a video-tape of all the answers being reviewed -- kinda like pmbr. tonight's subject is con law and i am all set and ready to go, having sat down and done all the questions yesterday evening.
i got comments back on my timed multi-state essays yesterday. good lord. i got a lot of criticism. like, good god damn! and i don't mean that in a whiny way. i mean that in a good way. like, keep them coming!! i want to pass so bad. the more constructive feedback i can get, the better. i want it -- keep crackin' that whip and beating my ass!
i'm going to try to get away to the gym this afternoon before class starts. i didn't work out at all last week, what with trying to complete a few grad school apps and having to do all my homework for the bar review class. i'm at a place where i can finally breathe a bit more easily, though, and so a good gym session will be just the thing i need.
i was studying at starbuck's yesterday. there was a cute asian girl there studying criminal law. she is still a law student; she had her text book right there. at one point, she got up to take a smoke break outside. i looked after her a bit longingly but, at the same time, i tried to ignore her.
it's not that i crave a cigarette, per se . . . .
well, maybe i do. just a little.
but i also miss the reprieve that it always gave me and the psychological sense of comfort.
i miss it. i really do.
at the same time, i really don't want to smoke, either. i'm hoping that in quitting this time, i'm quitting for good.
well. unless i'm drinking with other smokers, i mean. then i can't guarantee anything.
i'm glad i stopped, though. it does make me feel like crap and makes it so much harder to breathe. i feel cleaner and healthier now. and all it took for me to quit was going on a complete smoking binge for 24 hours straight after finding out i failed the bar.
hmm. imagine that. :-P
and i think those years of smoking were starting to take a toll on my face. i feel like my face was beginning to lose its elasticity and that everything was starting to sag. i'm too young to lose my adorable asian babyface!
but i couldn't help it. i was having a wacky dream, the details of which i can't even remember at this point. in the dream, there were lots of people i know and lots of people i didn't know, and we were on some mission together because some other distrustful people had been messing with us. and so we were plotting together, a la mission: impossible, a retaliation.
it's one of those dreams where you hover in and out of consciousness and know you should get out of bed because it is starting to be late morning. but the dream keeps you interested and eager to see how the end plays out.
in the end, i missed out on the ending because my dog couldn't take it anymore and woke me up. she really had to go pee.
an update on bar review study: this week, we're doing mbe questions. one subject per day, and we have to have all our questions answered by the time we get to class, where we will then watch a video-tape of all the answers being reviewed -- kinda like pmbr. tonight's subject is con law and i am all set and ready to go, having sat down and done all the questions yesterday evening.
i got comments back on my timed multi-state essays yesterday. good lord. i got a lot of criticism. like, good god damn! and i don't mean that in a whiny way. i mean that in a good way. like, keep them coming!! i want to pass so bad. the more constructive feedback i can get, the better. i want it -- keep crackin' that whip and beating my ass!
i'm going to try to get away to the gym this afternoon before class starts. i didn't work out at all last week, what with trying to complete a few grad school apps and having to do all my homework for the bar review class. i'm at a place where i can finally breathe a bit more easily, though, and so a good gym session will be just the thing i need.
i was studying at starbuck's yesterday. there was a cute asian girl there studying criminal law. she is still a law student; she had her text book right there. at one point, she got up to take a smoke break outside. i looked after her a bit longingly but, at the same time, i tried to ignore her.
it's not that i crave a cigarette, per se . . . .
well, maybe i do. just a little.
but i also miss the reprieve that it always gave me and the psychological sense of comfort.
i miss it. i really do.
at the same time, i really don't want to smoke, either. i'm hoping that in quitting this time, i'm quitting for good.
well. unless i'm drinking with other smokers, i mean. then i can't guarantee anything.
i'm glad i stopped, though. it does make me feel like crap and makes it so much harder to breathe. i feel cleaner and healthier now. and all it took for me to quit was going on a complete smoking binge for 24 hours straight after finding out i failed the bar.
hmm. imagine that. :-P
and i think those years of smoking were starting to take a toll on my face. i feel like my face was beginning to lose its elasticity and that everything was starting to sag. i'm too young to lose my adorable asian babyface!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
more essay-writing . . . .
i have just emerged from a well-needed hot shower. it's made me awfully warm and sleepy. but unfortunately, i can't turn in yet. the night is still pretty young, and i have gads of stuff to do before dawn. . . .
i'm kinda glad i lost my personal statement to the unpredictable glitches of technology this morning. that essay was kinda utter shit, and i managed to re-do it so much better. i'll be re-working it tonight and hopefully can get my three apps. into the two-day mail as of tomorrow morning so that they can arrive at their respective destinations by the 15th, this saturday.
as for bar review class tonight. . . .
ugh.
b-o-r-i-n-g!
it's kind of a double bind for me. i know i need all the help i can get in passing the bar and figuring out how to improve my score. and yet it's so painful to be there, because damn it, i know the law and how to write! and it is just so redundant to have these things pounded into my head again!
if you're a repeater, you know what i'm talking about. we know this shizz. we've already put in the time for three years learning all this stuff! arrgh!
it's just frustrating. i know i should be patient and just deal. but i can't help being frustrated, too.
richard told us a couple of times tonight, both at the start of yet another three-hour practice session and at the end, how proud of us he was. and he guffawed loudly when i told him that i was only there because i was afraid he would get pissed and yell at me the next time he saw me.
ha! no, he's too sweet to yell and get mad. but i am afraid of his displeasure. he'd get on any of our butts if we missed a class for any reason. i know i've said it before, but . . . he cares about our success.
seriously, i think he's so great because of how much he cares. :)
the practice session wasn't too tedious tonight, as compared with yesterday. this time, we had to write essays on evidence, real property, and wills.
what tonight taught me is that i'm pretty comfortable with wills questions. but i'm back to being pretty weak in regards to real property and evidence.
ugh!
on a whole other note: i was in sephora the other day. god, i love sephora! and it was so hard not getting everything i wanted. but i did have to get this one thing . . . . i happened to be browsing through the fragrances and got a whiff of this one by hanae mori. . . . and it was over for me. had to get it. i'm telling you -- smells fantastic! and this comes from someone who's really picky about fragrances; i'm not a fan of overpowering, nausea-inducing scents, and i feel that most fragrances out there are pretty heinous. but hanae mori is fantastic!
i know -- don't tell me i shouldn't have! i know i should be more careful about counting pennies! but seriously, if you've ever had the chance to smell this one, you'll know why i couldn't resist!
plus, dude! i just failed the bar exam! there might as well be a big ol' "L" tattooed on my forehead! if anything, i should be entitled to knowing that i at least smell amazing. :)
i'm kinda glad i lost my personal statement to the unpredictable glitches of technology this morning. that essay was kinda utter shit, and i managed to re-do it so much better. i'll be re-working it tonight and hopefully can get my three apps. into the two-day mail as of tomorrow morning so that they can arrive at their respective destinations by the 15th, this saturday.
as for bar review class tonight. . . .
ugh.
b-o-r-i-n-g!
it's kind of a double bind for me. i know i need all the help i can get in passing the bar and figuring out how to improve my score. and yet it's so painful to be there, because damn it, i know the law and how to write! and it is just so redundant to have these things pounded into my head again!
if you're a repeater, you know what i'm talking about. we know this shizz. we've already put in the time for three years learning all this stuff! arrgh!
it's just frustrating. i know i should be patient and just deal. but i can't help being frustrated, too.
richard told us a couple of times tonight, both at the start of yet another three-hour practice session and at the end, how proud of us he was. and he guffawed loudly when i told him that i was only there because i was afraid he would get pissed and yell at me the next time he saw me.
ha! no, he's too sweet to yell and get mad. but i am afraid of his displeasure. he'd get on any of our butts if we missed a class for any reason. i know i've said it before, but . . . he cares about our success.
seriously, i think he's so great because of how much he cares. :)
the practice session wasn't too tedious tonight, as compared with yesterday. this time, we had to write essays on evidence, real property, and wills.
what tonight taught me is that i'm pretty comfortable with wills questions. but i'm back to being pretty weak in regards to real property and evidence.
ugh!
on a whole other note: i was in sephora the other day. god, i love sephora! and it was so hard not getting everything i wanted. but i did have to get this one thing . . . . i happened to be browsing through the fragrances and got a whiff of this one by hanae mori. . . . and it was over for me. had to get it. i'm telling you -- smells fantastic! and this comes from someone who's really picky about fragrances; i'm not a fan of overpowering, nausea-inducing scents, and i feel that most fragrances out there are pretty heinous. but hanae mori is fantastic!
i know -- don't tell me i shouldn't have! i know i should be more careful about counting pennies! but seriously, if you've ever had the chance to smell this one, you'll know why i couldn't resist!
plus, dude! i just failed the bar exam! there might as well be a big ol' "L" tattooed on my forehead! if anything, i should be entitled to knowing that i at least smell amazing. :)
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
abbagirl having oodles and oodles of energy
richard really loves us.
i mean, me.
okay, and maybe the other girl, too.
we were all chatting and joking before the practice exam, and richard was having such a great time laughing with us. at one point, he said he loves our enthusiasm; it was the kind of enthusiasm we should carry with us into the bar exam, he said. "and i don't want to see your energy fade these next few months!"
i said, "i'm enthused? me? pshaw -- if i am, it's all her fault!" and i pointed to the other girl, who laughed and protested, "what-ever, girl!"
but it is her energy that has made my energy-level rise. sure, i am not quite optimistic yet, but yeah, except for the boredom that occurs whenever i have to do these exams (:-P), whatever enthusiasm i have is due in no small part 'cause of her.
and richard is so cool. he asked us whether we liked the doughnuts he brought in over the weekend because, he said, there were some left over. "do you prefer muffins instead?" he asked concernedly. i hastened to assure him that i had eaten one of the maple-flavored doughnut he had brought in. that made him feel better. and then he promised he'd bring the other girl a blueberry muffin the next time we had a morning class.
he just cares!
and then at the end of our classes in the evenings, because his premises are located smack-dab in middle of downtown, which has a good share of freaky-deaks and hobos lurking around, and because we do tend to get out pretty late, he makes all of us wait for him while he locks up the whole building. we then all troop downstairs and outside together.
once outside, he asks just the girls, "where are you parked?" (he doesn't ask the dudes this). and then he stands there, right in front of his store, in the freezing cold, and watches both me and the other girl until we are safely in our cars and pull out into traffic before he starts his own slow walk to wherever he is parked.
what a great guy!
i could-a sworn i heard that richard is now in his 70s, but he could easily pass for ten years younger. he has a slight limp and does not seem able to get around very quickly. but he has such energy and enthusiasm himself. he is quite tall, and he holds his back straight, and although he has a distending belly, he is not fat. and when something strikes him as particularly funny, which happens quite a bit when the other girl and i start exchanging quips, he guffaws really loudly. i swear, his laugh is so contagious that, even if i don't think something is really funny, to hear his laugh makes me bust out into giggles, too.
i like him. :)
as you can imagine, i am starting to look like complete shit these days. it takes me less than ten minutes to get ready to go out of the house; obviously, i am not putting much care and concern into how i look. i've always been a fan of hoodies and often wished i could wear them to work whenever i wanted. now i have that chance to indulge. usually, i go for a long-sleeve hoodie of cotton-tee material, layer that with a vintage fitted rock tee or a fitted tee with some snarky saying on top, and then i overlay that with another sweatshirt hoodie. the layers do help to ward off the chill of the winter evenings, but i think i need to start wearing scarves, too -- 'cause i hate when the cold seeps down my neck! and then i just wear cords or jeans and chuck taylors. my hair -- let's not even go there. it's in a lazy messy half-ponytail, the kind where you just decide too much energy is required to pull the ponytail all the way through your hair-band thingy so you just leave it as is.
ultra . . . ultra . . . low maintenance.
and that's only when i leave the house, too.
as of this past weekend, i haven't been leaving the house at all, except for these bar review classes, really. if i do stay in, i stick with pajama bottoms, a tee or camisole, and a cardigan. i keep my tootsies warm in slippers.
anyhow, i was thinkin' recently that it might be great to have a christmas tree.
but know what? mine would be a christmas tree with a twist -- a viet twist! for the most part, i'd only decorate it with ornaments and lights of gold -- nothing but gold! -- but then in the middle, i'd have three big red stripes of red ornaments.
boo-yeah.
cultural hybridity rocks.
i mean, me.
okay, and maybe the other girl, too.
we were all chatting and joking before the practice exam, and richard was having such a great time laughing with us. at one point, he said he loves our enthusiasm; it was the kind of enthusiasm we should carry with us into the bar exam, he said. "and i don't want to see your energy fade these next few months!"
i said, "i'm enthused? me? pshaw -- if i am, it's all her fault!" and i pointed to the other girl, who laughed and protested, "what-ever, girl!"
but it is her energy that has made my energy-level rise. sure, i am not quite optimistic yet, but yeah, except for the boredom that occurs whenever i have to do these exams (:-P), whatever enthusiasm i have is due in no small part 'cause of her.
and richard is so cool. he asked us whether we liked the doughnuts he brought in over the weekend because, he said, there were some left over. "do you prefer muffins instead?" he asked concernedly. i hastened to assure him that i had eaten one of the maple-flavored doughnut he had brought in. that made him feel better. and then he promised he'd bring the other girl a blueberry muffin the next time we had a morning class.
he just cares!
and then at the end of our classes in the evenings, because his premises are located smack-dab in middle of downtown, which has a good share of freaky-deaks and hobos lurking around, and because we do tend to get out pretty late, he makes all of us wait for him while he locks up the whole building. we then all troop downstairs and outside together.
once outside, he asks just the girls, "where are you parked?" (he doesn't ask the dudes this). and then he stands there, right in front of his store, in the freezing cold, and watches both me and the other girl until we are safely in our cars and pull out into traffic before he starts his own slow walk to wherever he is parked.
what a great guy!
i could-a sworn i heard that richard is now in his 70s, but he could easily pass for ten years younger. he has a slight limp and does not seem able to get around very quickly. but he has such energy and enthusiasm himself. he is quite tall, and he holds his back straight, and although he has a distending belly, he is not fat. and when something strikes him as particularly funny, which happens quite a bit when the other girl and i start exchanging quips, he guffaws really loudly. i swear, his laugh is so contagious that, even if i don't think something is really funny, to hear his laugh makes me bust out into giggles, too.
i like him. :)
as you can imagine, i am starting to look like complete shit these days. it takes me less than ten minutes to get ready to go out of the house; obviously, i am not putting much care and concern into how i look. i've always been a fan of hoodies and often wished i could wear them to work whenever i wanted. now i have that chance to indulge. usually, i go for a long-sleeve hoodie of cotton-tee material, layer that with a vintage fitted rock tee or a fitted tee with some snarky saying on top, and then i overlay that with another sweatshirt hoodie. the layers do help to ward off the chill of the winter evenings, but i think i need to start wearing scarves, too -- 'cause i hate when the cold seeps down my neck! and then i just wear cords or jeans and chuck taylors. my hair -- let's not even go there. it's in a lazy messy half-ponytail, the kind where you just decide too much energy is required to pull the ponytail all the way through your hair-band thingy so you just leave it as is.
ultra . . . ultra . . . low maintenance.
and that's only when i leave the house, too.
as of this past weekend, i haven't been leaving the house at all, except for these bar review classes, really. if i do stay in, i stick with pajama bottoms, a tee or camisole, and a cardigan. i keep my tootsies warm in slippers.
anyhow, i was thinkin' recently that it might be great to have a christmas tree.
but know what? mine would be a christmas tree with a twist -- a viet twist! for the most part, i'd only decorate it with ornaments and lights of gold -- nothing but gold! -- but then in the middle, i'd have three big red stripes of red ornaments.
boo-yeah.
cultural hybridity rocks.
practice, practice, practice
takin' another practice exam.
3 questions.
time: 3 hours.
i'm half-heartedly going through the motions. i'm the only one typing answers out, so i think i have a good headstart on everyone.
hence, the fact that i am now unofficially takin' a break from the exam.
:-P
the first question was on crim pro. dude. i've forgotten all my crim pro!
like, something about the 5th amendment? and miranda? and, uh, fruit of the poisonous tree?
second question: trusts. there were a bunch of breaches to the duties of due care and loyalty. that one was better.
but i'm stuck on the third question: civ pro. it doesn't help that my mind has shut down from complete boredom already.
:-P
damned "quiz."
i can't help being bored by this. there's no sense of urgency for me! at least not now. which is why it makes it all too easy for me to not take this practice exam very seriously. it has been about 90 minutes since the start of the exam, and i have spent a good half of the time already just surfin' the net, thanks to this amazing gift of wi-fi. it's okay. i mean, i've already done the first two questions half-heartedly.
but still. i can't keep my attention on things.
and i think i'm bothering and distracting the older dude who sits behind me. he can clearly see my laptop screen and that i am more or less reading through my news feeder instead of concentrating on the exam.
(heh!)
well, there is some free bottomless coffee. i s'pose i'll get myself a cup and try to keep focused on this shit.
:-D
and we're supposed to be doing this all week?
:-P
3 questions.
time: 3 hours.
i'm half-heartedly going through the motions. i'm the only one typing answers out, so i think i have a good headstart on everyone.
hence, the fact that i am now unofficially takin' a break from the exam.
:-P
the first question was on crim pro. dude. i've forgotten all my crim pro!
like, something about the 5th amendment? and miranda? and, uh, fruit of the poisonous tree?
second question: trusts. there were a bunch of breaches to the duties of due care and loyalty. that one was better.
but i'm stuck on the third question: civ pro. it doesn't help that my mind has shut down from complete boredom already.
:-P
damned "quiz."
i can't help being bored by this. there's no sense of urgency for me! at least not now. which is why it makes it all too easy for me to not take this practice exam very seriously. it has been about 90 minutes since the start of the exam, and i have spent a good half of the time already just surfin' the net, thanks to this amazing gift of wi-fi. it's okay. i mean, i've already done the first two questions half-heartedly.
but still. i can't keep my attention on things.
and i think i'm bothering and distracting the older dude who sits behind me. he can clearly see my laptop screen and that i am more or less reading through my news feeder instead of concentrating on the exam.
(heh!)
well, there is some free bottomless coffee. i s'pose i'll get myself a cup and try to keep focused on this shit.
:-D
and we're supposed to be doing this all week?
:-P
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