losing it: bar exam, enemy no. 1

sometimes i think i'm fine.

other times, it hits me that i'm not.

i'm still struggling to do something that i have not mastered after all this time, and it's a theme i have returned to now and then on this blog -- which is trying not to personalize this exam and this whole becoming-a-real-attorney thing so much that i come to associate it with my own sense of self-worth.

this is why i miss my shrink. i think my shrink would be of good use to me right about now. he'd already know what i was going to say before i even said it, but he'd listen to me anyway just to humor me, and then tell me to read that one chapter in his book that address the particular issue.

now, usually, people who refer to their own books as the ultimate source for solutions are pompous. my shrink was no exception -- i thought he was pompous when he did that.

but his book is really fantastic. you can find it here on amazon.

i really don't know what to say. all i can say is that i don't want to fail again. i really don't want to.

i am smart enough to know, on an intellectual level, that this exam is not everything. it's not the whole world. and i know i have pretty adequate skill-sets that will help me earn a good living in any other field i choose.

and yet, irrational as it may seem, this exam is my whole world. if i fail again, then i'll take the motherfucker again. but while i do so, the rest of my life remains on hold; everything gets put away and shelved -- my friends, family, work, reading, writing, running, drinking, all the things i enjoy. and it sucks. i'm frustrated as hell by it all.

i should know this exam is not me. it is not the sum of my self-worth. the scoring of the essays is hit or miss. graders take less than 2 minutes to read through each essay. they don't care what you write about or how you write. they just cursorily skim through your writing, make marks where you mention certain issues, then total up the score. they're paid $ 3 for every essay they read -- hence the fact that they speed through the "reading" of as many essays as they can. this is what we're all up against, as bar examinees. but california is the worst of all the states. this state has one of the worst bar passage rates in the nation because of the presence of the non-aba accredited schools in the state.

the california state bar must love these non-accredited schools. folks from non-aba schools far out-number folks like me, who come from out-of-state aba-accredited schools. i've seen the pass rate for schools like mcgeorge, stanford, uc berkeley, and i've seen the stats for those from the non-accredited schools, like humphreys, university of northern california, etc. there is just no comparison; the non-accredited folks have a really crummy pass rate.

can you imagine the amount of money that comes pouring in from thousands of applicants each year, many of them repeaters like myself? the thing is, california likes keeping the pass rate low. i pay over $ 800 not just to take the exam but to take it on a laptop. i'm just one of tens of thousands of people who continually fork over the dough every six months to keep the coffers of the california state bar association full. there is one lady in my bar review class who's been taking that same bar review course for the past ten years. how do i know? because her picture is hung on the wall in the classroom and dated february 1998.

i don't want to think about how much money she's spent on taking and re-taking the bar the past ten years.

the lecturers in my bar review class keep telling us to take heart and not be daunted by the low pass rates, especially for february. "there are over 200,000 attorneys currently licensed in the state of california," they say. "do you know how many of those 200,000 are dumb asses? you guys" -- pointing to us in the room -- "are a hundred times smarter than them, and you deserve to be counted in that number as much as those dumb asses."

but those dumb ass attorneys are not the enemy; the california state bar exam is.

it get me mad when i think about it. there is no uniform or systematic way of grading the essays. the graders are compensated for the number of essays they grade, and not for the quality or consistently of the grading. who gets fucked? me, you, any repeater.

and i'm not saying i deserved to pass. i fucked up that second MPT in july and miscued. i totally deserve to be sitting here all bummed out and driven crazy with stress and freaking out.

but even as i go through the motions yet again, i do not have hope. and i don't say that in a bitch-and-whine way. i say that in a resigned kind of way.

there is just no experience like this one. i was just thinking that the other night as i lay in bed at about 2 o' clock in the morning and no longer able to keep my eyes open to read another page of yet another black letter law outline. law school and bar review study are the most draining experiences ever. i entered law school as an optimistic over-achiever who had been lauded and loved by all the teachers and professors i'd ever had. and law school was the first time i realized that hard work, determination, and desire didn't really necessarily mean that you could achieve your goals after all. my low point was receiving those first semester grades as a 1L. it shattered me. but it was a good lesson in learning how to not set any more high expectations for myself. and i know i'm not the only one to have felt that way.

it's kinda the same with studying for the bar. it is a do-or-die situation. it's not like the masters examination where you come in armed with the five or six books that you're supposed to have read and sit down to answer a couple of open-ended questions in a timed situation. with the masters exam, there is plenty of wiggle-room; implicitly, you're encouraged to be creative in your response, with the only caveat being that you cite to the text to support your answer and try to remain true to the text.

seriously, i'd rather do a masters exam in english lit every day for the rest of my life than do the bar.

with the bar -- at least the california one -- you just better know shit. and not only know it, but organize it. underline, embolden the key words and issues so that they stand out and so that the precious grader doesn't actually have to read your words but can just make a tick mark on your essay to acknowledge that you thought about it. can't be too wordy because, again, you don't want to waste precious grader's time. but be concise and every time you address a new issue, always use these: "under," "here," "therefore."

issue, rule, conclusion; issue, rule, conclusion; issue, rule, conclusion. . . .

isn't that fucked? it makes me laugh but in a humorless way. the bar exam is not about what you know. it's about how you take the damned test.

i sound bitter, i know. and i'm really sorry for that. but i can't help it. i hate this thing, i really do. and this comes from a girl who is often reluctant to use the word "hate." i like to think i'm open-minded enough to not feel such strong feelings towards any one thing (well, except for bad drivers, animal abusers, wife-beaters, most neo-cons, and oh, this one relative of mine who's a really mean, crass, judgmental bitch). but this bar exam is really pushing it for me -- and so the word fits.

*weary sigh*

i'm off to bed to sleep this off.

oh, but i do have good news which is one of the foremost highlights of the past week: i followed up with that agency i interviewed with last week. the reason i haven't heard back from them is because they're still in the process of interviewing. so i'm to check back with them next week to see what's up.

i really would be surprised if i didn't get it. the timed writing i did was kick-ass for a twenty-minute job. i even added a title and divided the answer into sections flowing in a logical, coherent order.

my sister recommends just continuing to send out applications. she didn't blink an eye when i said i've already sent out 19, which i thought was already a lot, and she pretty much told me i need to do more until i get at least a few more calls. so i'm going to try to send out another 20 by friday (imagine me passing a hand over my weary eyes). i'll give it until mid-march to see if i have any prospects in or around town. i'd consider doing some clerking if not for the fact that it just pays so much less . . . . if nothing pops up, it may be my cue to leave town or even the state.

ugh. i need to go check to see if i have begun to sprout any white hairs on my head. i will try to hang on to my sanity at least until the end of next thursday.

but thereafter, abbagirl will need to go on vacation and get a mental break. she needs to reclaim her mojo, be able to unwind by downing one cosmopolitan after another, and remember how to be the dancing queen she used to be.