i need a drink -- on the double!!

arrgh!! my eyes!!

i have just seen that which should have remained unseen! a post from another bar examinee about the actual answers he wrote for each of the bar essays!!

damn it! i was hoping to remain oblivious as to what other people actually wrote!

oh, the agony! my brain has now been singed with self-doubt before i've even had a full week to recuperate! not that i didn't put similar stuff into my essay, but there is at least one thing that particular blogger mentioned writing that i didn't write about. . . .

which gets me wondering . . . .

what if i didn't organize my essay well enough? what if i got some issues, but didn't get the most glaringly important ones? what if i didn't do enough analysis? what if i put in too many facts? what if i totally screwed up the mbes beyond belief? what if . . .

. . . i fail again?!




i need a drink! a.s.a.p.!

bar exam day checklist

it's almost 6 a.m.

i got 3 really bad hours of sleep. i was too tense to relax, i tossed fitfully, and i mentally yelled at myself for not being ready.

my mom's giving me a ride to the exam site and back these next three days. she's awesome.

so let's see if i've got everything ready. . . .

cup of coffee? in hand -- check.

home-made lunch, complete with pastrami on white with extra mustard, white tortilla chips, strawberry jelly cup, and miniature can of mountain dew? check.

zune music player with the battery charged up? check.

ear plugs and advil? check, check.

starlight mints? check.

number two pencils, colored pencils, and black and blue pens? check.

laptop in sleeve and all the accoutrement? check.

the lemon test, rule 10b-5, the wharton rule, covenants vs. equitable servitudes, 14th amendment equal protection, m'naugten rule, and the doctrine of cy pres? check, check, check, pseudo-check, check, check . . . .

arrgh!!

major mental break down? check.

yo so una dumb ass? check.

majorly fucked? uh-huh. check. . . .

losing it: bar exam, enemy no. 1

sometimes i think i'm fine.

other times, it hits me that i'm not.

i'm still struggling to do something that i have not mastered after all this time, and it's a theme i have returned to now and then on this blog -- which is trying not to personalize this exam and this whole becoming-a-real-attorney thing so much that i come to associate it with my own sense of self-worth.

this is why i miss my shrink. i think my shrink would be of good use to me right about now. he'd already know what i was going to say before i even said it, but he'd listen to me anyway just to humor me, and then tell me to read that one chapter in his book that address the particular issue.

now, usually, people who refer to their own books as the ultimate source for solutions are pompous. my shrink was no exception -- i thought he was pompous when he did that.

but his book is really fantastic. you can find it here on amazon.

i really don't know what to say. all i can say is that i don't want to fail again. i really don't want to.

i am smart enough to know, on an intellectual level, that this exam is not everything. it's not the whole world. and i know i have pretty adequate skill-sets that will help me earn a good living in any other field i choose.

and yet, irrational as it may seem, this exam is my whole world. if i fail again, then i'll take the motherfucker again. but while i do so, the rest of my life remains on hold; everything gets put away and shelved -- my friends, family, work, reading, writing, running, drinking, all the things i enjoy. and it sucks. i'm frustrated as hell by it all.

i should know this exam is not me. it is not the sum of my self-worth. the scoring of the essays is hit or miss. graders take less than 2 minutes to read through each essay. they don't care what you write about or how you write. they just cursorily skim through your writing, make marks where you mention certain issues, then total up the score. they're paid $ 3 for every essay they read -- hence the fact that they speed through the "reading" of as many essays as they can. this is what we're all up against, as bar examinees. but california is the worst of all the states. this state has one of the worst bar passage rates in the nation because of the presence of the non-aba accredited schools in the state.

the california state bar must love these non-accredited schools. folks from non-aba schools far out-number folks like me, who come from out-of-state aba-accredited schools. i've seen the pass rate for schools like mcgeorge, stanford, uc berkeley, and i've seen the stats for those from the non-accredited schools, like humphreys, university of northern california, etc. there is just no comparison; the non-accredited folks have a really crummy pass rate.

can you imagine the amount of money that comes pouring in from thousands of applicants each year, many of them repeaters like myself? the thing is, california likes keeping the pass rate low. i pay over $ 800 not just to take the exam but to take it on a laptop. i'm just one of tens of thousands of people who continually fork over the dough every six months to keep the coffers of the california state bar association full. there is one lady in my bar review class who's been taking that same bar review course for the past ten years. how do i know? because her picture is hung on the wall in the classroom and dated february 1998.

i don't want to think about how much money she's spent on taking and re-taking the bar the past ten years.

the lecturers in my bar review class keep telling us to take heart and not be daunted by the low pass rates, especially for february. "there are over 200,000 attorneys currently licensed in the state of california," they say. "do you know how many of those 200,000 are dumb asses? you guys" -- pointing to us in the room -- "are a hundred times smarter than them, and you deserve to be counted in that number as much as those dumb asses."

but those dumb ass attorneys are not the enemy; the california state bar exam is.

it get me mad when i think about it. there is no uniform or systematic way of grading the essays. the graders are compensated for the number of essays they grade, and not for the quality or consistently of the grading. who gets fucked? me, you, any repeater.

and i'm not saying i deserved to pass. i fucked up that second MPT in july and miscued. i totally deserve to be sitting here all bummed out and driven crazy with stress and freaking out.

but even as i go through the motions yet again, i do not have hope. and i don't say that in a bitch-and-whine way. i say that in a resigned kind of way.

there is just no experience like this one. i was just thinking that the other night as i lay in bed at about 2 o' clock in the morning and no longer able to keep my eyes open to read another page of yet another black letter law outline. law school and bar review study are the most draining experiences ever. i entered law school as an optimistic over-achiever who had been lauded and loved by all the teachers and professors i'd ever had. and law school was the first time i realized that hard work, determination, and desire didn't really necessarily mean that you could achieve your goals after all. my low point was receiving those first semester grades as a 1L. it shattered me. but it was a good lesson in learning how to not set any more high expectations for myself. and i know i'm not the only one to have felt that way.

it's kinda the same with studying for the bar. it is a do-or-die situation. it's not like the masters examination where you come in armed with the five or six books that you're supposed to have read and sit down to answer a couple of open-ended questions in a timed situation. with the masters exam, there is plenty of wiggle-room; implicitly, you're encouraged to be creative in your response, with the only caveat being that you cite to the text to support your answer and try to remain true to the text.

seriously, i'd rather do a masters exam in english lit every day for the rest of my life than do the bar.

with the bar -- at least the california one -- you just better know shit. and not only know it, but organize it. underline, embolden the key words and issues so that they stand out and so that the precious grader doesn't actually have to read your words but can just make a tick mark on your essay to acknowledge that you thought about it. can't be too wordy because, again, you don't want to waste precious grader's time. but be concise and every time you address a new issue, always use these: "under," "here," "therefore."

issue, rule, conclusion; issue, rule, conclusion; issue, rule, conclusion. . . .

isn't that fucked? it makes me laugh but in a humorless way. the bar exam is not about what you know. it's about how you take the damned test.

i sound bitter, i know. and i'm really sorry for that. but i can't help it. i hate this thing, i really do. and this comes from a girl who is often reluctant to use the word "hate." i like to think i'm open-minded enough to not feel such strong feelings towards any one thing (well, except for bad drivers, animal abusers, wife-beaters, most neo-cons, and oh, this one relative of mine who's a really mean, crass, judgmental bitch). but this bar exam is really pushing it for me -- and so the word fits.

*weary sigh*

i'm off to bed to sleep this off.

oh, but i do have good news which is one of the foremost highlights of the past week: i followed up with that agency i interviewed with last week. the reason i haven't heard back from them is because they're still in the process of interviewing. so i'm to check back with them next week to see what's up.

i really would be surprised if i didn't get it. the timed writing i did was kick-ass for a twenty-minute job. i even added a title and divided the answer into sections flowing in a logical, coherent order.

my sister recommends just continuing to send out applications. she didn't blink an eye when i said i've already sent out 19, which i thought was already a lot, and she pretty much told me i need to do more until i get at least a few more calls. so i'm going to try to send out another 20 by friday (imagine me passing a hand over my weary eyes). i'll give it until mid-march to see if i have any prospects in or around town. i'd consider doing some clerking if not for the fact that it just pays so much less . . . . if nothing pops up, it may be my cue to leave town or even the state.

ugh. i need to go check to see if i have begun to sprout any white hairs on my head. i will try to hang on to my sanity at least until the end of next thursday.

but thereafter, abbagirl will need to go on vacation and get a mental break. she needs to reclaim her mojo, be able to unwind by downing one cosmopolitan after another, and remember how to be the dancing queen she used to be.

a bullet-point kind of day

• i'm an azn airhead. arrrgh!!!
  
  i'm having the damnedest time memorizing these stinkin' rules! no wonder i'm a repeater.
  
  #@?&^%$!!!
  

• i actually went to real estate class tonight. this class is one of three that you're required to take in order to take your real estate licensing test. i'm taking it through a local j.c., and the class seems like a total breeze so far. it's taught by a guy who used to be an attorney but stopped practicing because he hated the job. so now he's doing real estate -- and teaching on the side.
  
  i'm glad i went to class -- tonight's topic was on (whaddya know?) california community property and forms of ownership. the lecture didn't go into as much depth as, say, the bar exam requires, but it was still a good overview, and i'm pseudo-glad i went.
  
  i may miss next week's class, though. and then the first exam (100 points) will be the week after, on day 3 of the exam. even though it is possible for me to zip over to class right after the bar exam that day, since it is an evening class, the prof says he's totally willing to work with me because he doesn't think i'd be in any condition to take his exam. that's a huge load off my mind.
  
  for the record, i didn't tell him i had a bar exam coming up. i had my cover blown by someone with whom i'm taking the class -- and so before i knew it, the whole class knew why i didn't go to class last week without me saying a single word. but if nothing had been said, i certainly would have put out the effort to take the test that day. now that i don't have to, well, i won't. :-D
  

• i've been wondering: will i be able to make it through all three days of the bar exam without the familiar, comforting weight of my dog curled up and snoring on my lap? i really don't think i can. i've gotten so used to her; i know i'll feel bereft.

• because of my state of azn airheadedness, i have added ginseng pills to my daily diet to help improve my memory. i'll let you know if i grow any new brain cells as a result. oh, and i also got myself a bottle of caffeine pills.
  
  who knows. they may come in handy.

• what's up with this jason kidd nonsense? if it wasn't bad enough that he's a wife beater, he's also a whiner!
  
  apparently, new jersey and dallas were on the verge of completing a trade -- jason kidd and malik allen going to the mavericks in exchange for devin harris, jerry stackhouse, desagana diop, maurice ager, and devean george. and the only reason the trade fell through was because george exercised an option in his contract that pretty much allows him to veto any trade that he's involved in.
  
  pretty smart, whoever george's agent is.
  
  i feel for kidd. he's a championship-caliber guy, and i know he's itching to be on a contending team.
  
  but do you have to whine?
  
  some great players who never won a championship but never whined about it include patrick ewing, karl malone, john stockton, dominique wilkins, the great sir charles barkley. seriously, mr. kidd, i know you're on a sucky ass team despite playing alongside vince carter and richard jefferson, but have some dignity, for pete's sake.

• i have a three-day simulated bar exam, starting tomorrow morning, at my bar review class. conditions will be exactly like the bar. tomorrow will be essays, saturday will be multiple choice, and then sunday will be essays again.
  
  dammit. i seriously am not ready. i'm screwed! and then when it's all said and done, and our practice exams have been scored, richard will give me a hard time and wonder why i didn't do better then i did. and then i'll say, "because i'm an azn airhead, richard! i'm sorry!" but i know he won't buy it.
  
  i can't wait for these next two weeks to be over and done with.
  
  and yet i can wait, if you know what i mean. :-P

• i can't wait to get shit-faced.
  

f*cking hell

the subject of community property is (arguably) pretty straightforward.

so long as you stick to the general title presumption that all property acquired during marriage is community property and remember the ways that this presumption can be overcome -- as well as the other special presumptions and the other things like tracing methods and when to use van camp or pereira. . . .

shit, there is so much shit to try to remember!

but i looked at the sample answer provided by the calbar website, and there really is nothing sophisticated about it. in fact, it makes me feel like a moron. i scored lowest on that cp question.

but wanna know why i really hate community property?

because of the fucking moore approach.

a book i have provides this sample definition that it suggests we should recite if we should encounter a moore issue on the bar exam:

Under the Moore approach, the community acquires an interest in separate property assets if community funds are used to pay down loans against the property. The community interest is the amount of community funds paid to reduce the loan principal balance (c) plus the portion of total capital appreciation equal to the part of the original purchase price (b) paid for with community funds.

HUH? WTF --?!

and then in parenthetical reference, the book adamantly insists that we "must learn the math!" (yes, in bolded text, just like that), and it provides this explanation for how to actually put the moore approach to use:

If the house originally cost C and, at divorce, the value is V, capital appreciation is V-C.

okay. i'm with you so far.

If the community pays down the mortgage balance by amount P, the community has a right to that amount back.

good. makes total sense. still with you.

In addition, the community has an interest in the appreciation equal to (P/C x (V-C)). In all, the community interest is P + (P/C x (V-C)).

me: eyes glazed over, mouth agape, drool escaping from corner of mouth.

what the flying fuck does that mean?

damn it. i hate cp!

i need richard!

as much as that dear old man richard had begun to annoy me, in those last days of class leading up to christmas, i am finding that i need the old coot desperately.

i haven't studied all week!!

i need the discipline he provided. i need the structure! i need incentive to set time aside and to put earnest effort into studying.

without him, i'm floundering and aimless!

i started up my efforts at studying again yesterday. then got distracted because a friend called me and needed some help on something. and that ended that effort.

but i am trying again today. i've been at this coffee shop for about two hours now, trying to plow through a contracts outline.

for someone who hasn't studied much lately, i'm pretty sick of studying. i screwed myself over by waiting so long since graduating from law school to take the damned thing. the instructor of my bar review course, tim, pretty much said so. he said that the further removed you are from having graduated from law school, the crappier your chances are of passing. further, if you are taking the bar in february as opposed to july, your chances are even slimmer. and to make things even more disillusioning, he said that each time a repeat bar exam taker has to take the bar, his or her chances for passing grow more and more miniscule. to illustrate this point, the instructor held up his thumb and index finger only millimeters apart from each other.

he might as well have gone ahead and stabbed me in the gut 100 times.

so i'm keeping those words of warning close to my heart right now. i'm trying to get into the mindset that these are the kinds of words that should inspire me to defy the odds. i cannot fail again!

and yet i'm not feeling all that inspired. i just feel rather . . . down. among a whole host of other things.

it's really hard to precisely describe how i feel about the bar at this point because all the feelings are so conflicting. "down" is only one of the feelings.

i do feel a sense of determination. obviously, i do want to pass~

but i feel defeated already, like there's no point, no chance of success.

i feel like i'm not up to the task and just don't have the brain-power to surmount this shit.

i feel ashamed because i kinda skipped out of an extended-family gathering recently out of shame and fear of having to confess my failings to the family -- only to find out that my absence still caused them to talk about how i did not pass.

i feel irked because, having been out of work for as long as i have, everyone assumes that i am mooching money off my parents to get by -- which makes me mad! because that's not the case at all! sorry, but believe it or not, it's been all me so far. and i am actually quite proud of myself for learning how to curb what were otherwise really bad spending habits and learning to live frugally. financially, i am still doing quite well right now, thank you very much.

sure, i do give in to the urge to splurge when i need to -- i.e., my recent purchase of hanae mori perfume. but bottom line is that i take care of myself, just like i always do.

and i get the feeling that lots of people -- family, friends, and strangers -- are of the opinion that i'm only wasting my time by going back to school. it is not so much that i want to be a perpetual student so that i can avoid "facing up to reality" and "becoming an adult." screw the people who think that! for me, it's all about the pursuit of my livelihood. when i finally get myself situated into a career, i will be stuck for the next good twenty or thirty years of my life. it's therefore essential that, whatever i choose as my career, i will have no qualms about spending a good chunk of my life doing it and that i will always have passion for it.

screw these downers!!

so yeah, throw feelings of irritation into the mix as well.

but on top of all that, a part of me has nonetheless kinda bought into those criticisms. and i wonder what i'm doing wasting my time re-taking the bar and in applying to grad school.

yeah, i am starting to question the whole ph.d. thing, too. i am stacked knee-deep in student-loan debt that i don't think i'll ever be able to pay off during my lifetime. the idea that i'll be adding even more debt to my name makes me sweat cold bullets.

*big heaving sigh*

people don't know what it's like to be me!

it's gotten to the point where my face is seriously breaking out. i haven't had this kind of break-out since junior high! it's heinous!!

thankfully, i came across this post by sugarshock, which says that omega-3 has properties that are good for one's skin in addition to gads more other benefits. so i got myself some supplements the other day. i hope this solves the problem, and if it does, i will definitely start raving about it here on this blog.

seriously, i have no idea where this break-out comes from, other than pure stress. even though it is the holiday, i.e., goody-eating, season, my diet hasn't really changed. in fact, since i'm conscious of how much weight i tend to gain while in study-mode, i've actually been eating less. i still have my toasted bagel and cream cheese, plus coffee, for breakfast, and then rice or whatever for dinner. so i have really not been eating very much crap lately. . . . at least i don't think so . . . .

it's the damned stress!!! and i'm not surprised if i also have gads of white hair growing on my head! the last time i was at my stylist's, she had to pluck a good number of white strands out.

this law crap is making me grow old before my time -- and disgusting to boot!!

speaking of, it's time for me to go find some dinner now. my mom is making bun cha lua for dinner tonight, so i must rush over to her house. my tumbly is all rumbly now.

in the meantime, until bar review class starts up again, i'll be missing richard. i need him to help get motivated and thinking positively about the damned bar exam again.

richard! i'm so sorry i started getting annoyed by you. i need you! please save me!

waiting, waiting, waiting

know what i'm thinking, as i sit around waiting for those fucking results?

i'm thinking about how fat i've gotten from the past couple of days alone.

i know. this is supposed to be a moment of pure crisis. i have things that are massively at stake. and all i can think about is my appearance?

i have a belly. the kind that you can poke with an index finger and have the flesh feel all gushy and fluid under your finger.

when did this happen?

i hate being squishy.

but at the same time, screw vanity for the rest of today! this belly of mine will only get worse before it gets better. i'm a-getting wasted tonight and am gonna drink as much as i can until my belly is to bursting. and then tomorrow i can worry about getting rid of this pilsbury dough squishiness.

cheers.

an agitated rant and a prayer

dude.

i'm really scared.

bar results come out in exactly a week.

i feel like i've waited so long for the results to come out that i just don't care anymore.

conversely, though, i feel like i could stand to postpone knowing the results for, oh, a good ten more years.

i am just so nervous. nervous as hell! fuck!

i know i've talked over and over again about not caring . . . .

and it's true that i've got other plans in the works anyway, so this won't be the end-all and be-all of my existence; i'm not going to go out and kill myself if i don't pass (i think).

but god. at the same time, this is everything, everything, that i have worked hard for.

i talk breezily about how much i hated law school when i was in it, how i didn't like most of the people there.

but i still worked my ass off on it.

and when i studied for the bar, i simultaneously hated how it became the bane of my daily existence, because all i would do, day in and day out, was try to memorize all these damned rules and meticulously write out essay answers.

but i still gave it everything i had.

when something becomes so much a part of you, and you work so damned hard on it, even as you loathe the fuck out of it, no matter what you say, no matter how much you wish otherwise, it still is so very important to you. in fact, it's become you. so despite all my plans, despite all my wishes, despite my other life goals which have nothing to do with practicing law, i want this. i want it so badly. it's something i've dedicated myself to wholeheartedly, even if my heart wasn't in it per se.

i'm sorry. i wish i could not care so much about it.

but how could i not? three years of law school, then two years of trying to put it away and not think about it but having it still lurk over my shoulder, then half a year of my life studying for it, and the huge chunks of money i've paid and still owe on loans that got me through law school and paying for all the review materials and not having a nice steady job for practically this whole year . . . . how could i not want to pass and start practicing? seriously?

godfuckingdammit. so that's why i'm agitated and why i'm not myself. that's why i'm ready to get all shit-faced right now at 8:30 in the morning seven days before the results come out and keep myself in a wasted state until i somehow find the nerve to check the results on the web.

damn it.

but today is my last day of work. i must play it cool today, and then by 4:30 p.m., i can start railing agitatedly in my mind and try to find a way to not get all frickin' crazy this next week.

i brought doughnuts in for my co-workers.

i noticed that other people have brought in stuff, too.

darn it. can't i have my last day be business as usual? i'm only a temp!!

but dang it, unfortunately, they love me. and i think they really will miss me. i hope they don't make me do some damned speech or anything. . . .

*sad, heavy sigh*

ai-ya.

all praise to buddha and the spirits who lived before me and who are now my protectors in this world, please help me find the strength to patiently wait out this next week and to deal with things as they come. and please also help me find the strength to not let my dark thoughts ruin my last day of work here so that i can show my gratitude to my co-workers who have really gone above and beyond for me in every possible way and love me so wholeheartedly. help me be upbeat and happy because i really am grateful to have met them and to have worked among them, and i do not want to ruin a day that they have enthusiastically planned, just for the sake of me.

minor road-trip set-back . . . .

oh no!!

my mom has talked of inviting herself on my road-trip -- again.

O_O

no, mom, no!

the rational part of me wants to give in to her -- if only because i wouldn't mind having a bit of help in paying for travel and hotel costs and food and such. for me, these costs would hurt me in the wallet; for her, these costs would not be so bad.

not that she's rich. she's not. but she does have enough money to be comfortable.

and don't get me wrong: my momma makes for a good road-trip buddy. we've gone on a few road-trips with just the two of us a number of times before, and i've always had a great tiome. it offers us a chance to bond (as well as a chance for me to learn to exercise patience when she's being difficult :-P), and it is always fun when it is just the two of us against the world.

at the same time . . . .

nooo!!!

i'd still rather be alone. i'd rather not have to worry about anyone other than myself. this is my journey that i have to take alone.

and it just does not cross her mind that she is often one of the people i wish to escape at times.

that's what has been a major bummer about returning to my hometown after i finished school. the familial expectations i escaped years ago came back and latched themselves to my shoulders once more, as if nothing had ever changed. and i have resorted once more to being the goody-goody who began taking those expectations seriously once more.

i can't have that!

and seriously, the whole point of this trip is to be all alone and cope when i find out my bar exam results. how can i cope with my momma still within arm's length as i'm looking on the calbar website for my name?

but if i tell her "no," she will be all affronted and give me the "well, fine then!" attitude, and then start pretending that it is no big deal even while making it clear that she is offended.

**sigh**

but good golly gum-drops, it would be nice to have some help defraying the hotel costs. in fact, i've been contemplating staying at hostels, even though they can be really grody, disgusting experiences. seriously, any time you have to live in a communal situation, you can expect people to be at their most disgusting.

and yes, i speak from experience.

but my mom is already talking as if "we" are going on a trip together. i think she may have even asked for the extra time off from work already, too . . . .

**sigh**

ya'll know i love my momma. i rave about her all the time.

but this will not do!

i must try to connive her into changing her mind! i just want to be able to have free rein to engage in any kind of bar-exam freak-out that i want when the need strikes. i love doing things with my momma, don't get me wrong. but one thing i don't want to do with her at all is cope with the idea of failing -- and watching her cope with that idea, too.

i swear i usually have more confidence in myself when it comes to other things! but with something like the bar, you just cannot hang on to false hope. i just need to mentally prepare myself to be okay with failing.

but i'm also clinging to the tiny hope that in just under 17 days, i'll be able to actually post some good news on here about it.

:)

here's hopin'.

distracted by the bar exam

i really must stop being so moody about the bar exam. i shouldn't let it get the best of me.

it's really 'cause i have been a bit tired lately, especially last night. i went and had dinner. it was an okay, pretty light-hearted time. but it wore me out. after i blogged on here yesterday, i had to go straight to bed. i was unconscious and in a blissfully dreamless state before my head even hit the pillow.

but i am just getting butterflies in my stomach thinking about november 16th, the day the results are released (at 6:00 p.m., pacific standard time). they're not the good kind of butterflies, but the wretched ones. they really are bouncing around uneasily in my tummy.

notice i have not been mentioning how tough it is to refrain from smoking anymore?

yeah, it's because i quit quitting. i am on my second pack for the week. i didn't even make it to 10 days of being smoke-free.

i am sure each cigarette is subtracting a year from my life. but i can't help agitatedly puffing on one when the mood strikes.

because i am so tired, i am also looking rather grubby today. i am basically still wearing the white vee-neck tee that i went to bed in, and i just pulled a thin, deep vee-neck, charcoal-colored hoodie over it (it's too thin -- i am pretty cold here at the office) and slid into a pair of jeans. i am hoping i am not looking as grubby as i feel if only for the fact that i always wear designer jeans. :) and then i just slipped my feet into a pair of converse that i got recently -- i don't know what you call them, but they're the ones with no laces. i love converse sneaks, and these ones are pretty cute -- they're a mostly dark color, with black rubber treads, and they've got little pink broken hearts all over them.

broken hearts. how fitting.

:-P ;)

but i must do what it takes to keep perspective and try to stop thinking about anything that can get me down.

i must be up-beat!

i also have a minor sense of foreboding about working on an intermittent basis for that other office. i am being loaned out by my current office to one in the legal department. i was definitely excited at first -- and still am, because i don't mind adding a bit of experience and knowledge about something i'm not familiar with to my professional repertoire. but i can't help being apprehensive, too.

you just have to worry when your new boss keeps joking or talking in surreptitious whispers about the negative office politics rather incessantly.

it was funny at first. but really, uneasy jokes on the same subject on a persistent basis soon loses its charming luster. it is just not an indicator of anything positive.

so i went back over to the legal department yesterday afternoon. the new boss gave me a general run-down of what i should expect to do. but she really couldn't talk any specifics (red flag!). and there is no general process or procedure to really adhere to (red flag!). and her door was open so she kept whispering when referring to other people who worked in the office (high, elevated alert!). and then she brought in someone whom i came to sense was her b.f.f. of the office who kept giving me strange, apprehensive, and rather suspicious stares (sound the alarms!! *wonk wonk!!* time for massive evacuation!!).

not to jump to conclusions about people. LOL hopefully, my first impressions turn out to be completely erroneous.

but i have a feeling that they won't be completely off.

that's the thing with any bureaucracy, though. you get a lot of great, smart people working at the higher levels and getting promoted through the ranks fairly quickly. but at the same time, a lot of these people lack the kind of social and leadership skills that earn them the respect of the people they oversee. i'm not sure if the private industry is any better -- but in all the public sectors that i've worked in, and i've worked in perhaps four or five, or maybe six, at this point, it just comes to be rather glaringly true.

except for my current boss -- the real one i work for, not the one to whom i'm being loaned. he really has the loyalty and respect of his people well in hand. in fact, my loaner boss has wondered incredulously the past two days, to both me and my real boss, about how he has managed to maintain such a positive vibe in his office.

you either really have it or you really don't.

i must really think about something positive.

two of my favorite bands ever are playing in reno this weekend: the go-go's will be playing a show on saturday, october 6th, and social distortion has a show on sunday, october 7th.

what sucks about being a punk-hearted, twenty-ish, asian-american girl living in this town, though, is that the other people i hang out with, mostly other asians, do not tend to like cool bands like the go-go's or social distortion. reno is only a couple of hours away, and i would totally go see one or both the shows . . . . but i hate going to shows by myself . . . !

everyone i know over here is more into kanye and other hip-hop peeps whom i know nothing about.

it really is a pity. they don't even know who the traveling wilburys are!!

O_O

they just look at me agape when i happen to have it playing in my car.

at least i'm not making them listen to marilyn manson. you'd think i was subjecting them to some form of painful torture or something.

i love the traveling wilburys. you not only have george harrison, my favorite beatle, in the band, but also one of my favorite crooners, roy orbison, and that bad ass tom petty. and then there's jeff lynne and bob dylan, too. the best, yet most short-lived, band ever!


"handle me with care" -- traveling wilburys

now i'm off to a staff meeting. damn it.

tentative major freak-out session in thinking about the bar exam, no. 1

when i think about it, i realize it is a big mistake telling as many people as i've had about having taken the calbar.

i tried to keep the circle as small as possible -- firstly, because i am usually among those who are first to scorn the so-called "lawyer" types, a.k.a., money-grubbing jerks. i would lose credibility as a human being if it were known that i deride the character of other attorneys -- while also still striving to be one of them.

secondly, i just don't want to be freakin' embarrassed when the results come out and my name is not on the list of persons who passed. . . .

damn it.

and then i would have to start the whole process yet again -- of retreating from employment, stretching out my meager savings, and losing a good chunk of my year towards re-studying for the damned thing and losing all vestige of a social life once more.

i know my friends and family will ask me how i did when the results come out. who wouldn't?

well, i wouldn't. if i knew someone had taken the bar and that results had just come out, i would not ask a single question about the bar exam, period. it's not my place to bring it up. but if the person wanted to talk about it, i would listen.

unfortunately, not everyone adheres to my kind of code of politeness and decorum.

so they will ask me. and i know i will have to answer them.

the only thing i can control is the timing of their questions.

i won't let them ask me whether i've passed until i'm good and ready.

so i will leave town the weekend before results are to be posted. i will probably head out on i-80, since that is the piece of road i am most familiar with, and lay low in the beehive state for a few days. i have some old friends who moved to vegas after law school, so i am thinking of then heading south to visit them there after that . . . .

who knows. i think when the results get posted, i will have become rather aimless and will let my state of mind dictate where i will end up. as my emotions go, so will my direction of travel.

what will be hard is coming back, after those two weeks -- or however long i stay away, maybe more, maybe less -- to face people. i know they will let their curiosity get the best of them and they will demand to know.

fine. if they want to know, i will tell them.

but what a way to find out who really knows and understands you. the person who asks me instantaneously whether i have passed, without even a preliminary "how are you?" is not a person i want to be around. i've cut people out of my life for lesser reasons than that.

i'm not into superficiality. if you're going to only value my worth on a superficial level, i want nothing to do with you.

but perhaps i'm superficial, too -- at least in regards to my own self. passing this one state exam has really become the end-all and be-all of my existence, and it will be a blow to me if . . . . well, i don't even want to say the words.

. . . . not to be so crabby. or depressed. i still have a long way to go before i know -- a good 40 or so days now. i am getting nervous, though. this morning, i read through frustrated bar examinee's posts, which describe a tumultuous morning of anxiously waiting for the bar results to come out on the internet. just reading those posts made me queasy myself. frustrated bar examinee did find out that s/he had passed, which seems to have made his/her whole day worthwhile. but i do wonder and worry about those who did not do well. no matter what, it takes a lot of heart to be able to accept the fact that one has failed an exam for which one has poured a good amount of heart, soul, effort, blood, and sweat, and then try to go through that process again. i think that, when you finally are able to pass, after having taken the bar more than once, you appreciate a little more where you are and the opportunities you know have before you.

i dunno. or maybe that's just me waxing philosophical and trying to find the silver lining in the clouds.

or perhaps i am just rambling. i am a bit tired at the moment. it's been a long day.

40 days.