signs abbagirl is stressed out and/or needs a hug

1. i'm often cold when outside -- even though it's been 65 degrees here lately.

somehow, i just lose the ability to regulate my own body heat even more than usual when i am worked up and stressed out like this. i must either bundle up with layers or hover near a heat source.

seriously, my metabolism is out of whack. i drink lots of coffee and eat lots of junk, but despite not having worked out in, like, a month, my metabolism has jumped to hyperspeed. not to be all t.m.i., but i'm actually peeing things out almost as quickly as i guzzle 'em down.

weird.

2. i look like absolute crap.

the dark circles under my eyes make me look like a ghoul.

but know what? i'm totally beyond caring.

:-P

3. even the act of smiling, whether forced or genuine, can sometimes make me feel like crying.

or maybe it's just that time of the month.

4. despite having a crappy night the other night, a hug from my grandmother made it all worthwhile.

ever since i found out i failed the july bar, i've been laying low and pretty much have stopped seeing most of my extended fam. in fact, it's been perhaps four months now since i've seen most of them, except for one of my aunts. it's not like me; like, i otherwise usually stop my grandparents' house at least a few times a month and e-mail others on a regular basis.

so my grandmother was glad to see me. and when i saw the familiar crows feet by her eyes crinkle up as she smiled affectionately and gladly at me, i could feel the emotions swelling up (see 3. above).

i love my ba ngoai. she rocks. and she's fierce! don't mess with my grandma!!

5. even when tired, i still can't fall asleep because i start thinking about failing and my pulse starts racing, and then i end up having a poor night of sleep.

this should be read in conjunction with 2. above.

6. i'm appreciating the small things.

the small things give me a much needed mental reprieve more so than usual and make me remember that i should also enjoy being alive.

for instance, i relish the nice, clean feeling i get from shaving all my important bits clean.

and on saturday, when i took the lightrail downtown to my bar review class, despite the gross lingering smell of the hobos in the train car, i appreciated the smooth ride and how it kinda put me in a contemplative, meditative, soothing trance.

and i love studying with my dog curled on my lap. she's precious. it's a beautiful thing to have pets -- but even more so when they love you, trust you, and demonstrate their utmost loyalty to you. it's truly a gift.

i'm off to get ready for bed now. tonight, i fully intend to give myself sweet, blissful release. i deserve it! i intend to crawl under the blankets, languishly fall back onto the pillows, reach over to my nightstand to grab my stuff, then drive myself crazy and satisfy my lust by. . .

doing civ. pro. flashcards.

until i fall into hopefully restful sleep.

:) g'night.

topsy-turvy

this is how i feel right now:

"topsy-tuvy" -- from disney's hunchback of notre dame

lots of stuff going on.

i am starting to get into full-on moody mood-swings. there are probably two people in the world that i care to deal with and can be civil with in person, period. everyone else can go to hell!!

but i am not so much short-tempered (well, okay, maybe just a little bitchy) as much as i'm a bit depressed and wondering what the hell i am even doing trying to take the damned bar exam again.

my bar review class, so far, is okay and yet not. i can't believe how much it costs, and after three days of classes, i have begun wondering whether i will be getting my money's worth.

but i shouldn't be so judgmental about it so early on. it is what you make of it, after all.

my mom knows i'm depressed about the situation i'm in. her attitude, though, is, "don't give up!" last night, she was pointing out examples of people who had to take the bar multiple times before passing. "pete wilson" -- she held up five fingers. "brown -- what's his name? the old mayor -- oh, jerry brown!" -- and she held up eight fingers. "so don't worry!" she said. "you don't give up! you take it until you get it!"

i love how she is my cheerleader and all. but somehow it was not enough to raise my spirits.

it will come and go, these downer moods of mine.

but things will get better after this week. i'm mostly stressed because of my graduate school applications. three are due in five days. last week, i was on the fast track to gettin' 'em done -- but the bar review classes threw me off, especially with saturday and sunday classes being all day. :-P

seriously, i think i am unconsciously masochistic. i always find myself biting off more than i can chew.

like, that two-year period of time when i was doing my j.d. AND my m.a. as a non-joint degree because each of the bastard program departments refused to let credits from one program count for the other? it was a fun, intellectually stimulating time -- but it burned me out so quickly, 'cause i'd be taking 15 units from the law school and then 6 units from the grad school, and it just kicked my ass.

bastards!

i do not recommend that for anybody! if you really wish to pursue a j.d./m.a., it's just best to find a school that offers the degrees jointly. you're less likely to end up killing yourself. and what peeved me is that my school offered joint j.d./m.b.a. and j.d./m.p.p. programs, and based on what people have told me, some of the classes you take at those other departments are meaningless, irrelevant classes anyway and have nothing to do with law. so it just pissed me off that some of the classes i took that clearly had roots in both literature and the law, like law and literature from the english department, would not count for the other's program requirements, despite all my pleading.

like, how is law and literature not related to the study of law? in that class, we ended up reading lots of early american abolitionist texts, thomas jefferson writings, and commentaries by oliver wendell holmes. and that's still not law?

and the english department was not immune from my irritation, either. at the law school, i once took a class on art and the law. we read a lot of theory about art, like by kant and others i can't think of at the moment but who are critical to literary critical theory, on what makes art "art" and all the laws, both here in the u.s. and abroad, that are in place to protect works of art and also artifacts. it was a really cool class. i beseeched the head of the english department to read through the syllabus and let the credits count towards my graduate requirement. did i sway him?

nope. all my pleas were in vain. grr!!

obviously, i have not let go of my annoyance at this, despite the passage of almost five years.

yeah. i guess i tend to harbor grudges.

(heh heh!)

in any case, i am almost done with 3 of my grad school apps. the remaining apps aren't due for at least another 15 to 30 days, and i am pretty much done with most of them anyway. so hopefully, i'll be able to kick all of this shit off my to-do list soon.

*deep, slow, forlorn sigh*

i sure could use a martini right about now.