priorities

the bar is the most important thing to me right now.

it is the portal through which new possibilities are awaiting me.

passing it may lead to a much-desired but never-before-obtainable career path.

it may bring me financial and job security.

it may allow me to be welcomed into the fold of that elite strata of society of that funky bunch of people known as attorneys.

it could change my life for the better -- or for the worse.

it is an all-encompassing goal that my life has been directed towards at for, like, ever now. it is the pivotal hurdle i have to leap over.

i should be concentrating on it to the exclusion of all else. nothing else should pass through my mind except visions of myself slowly, inexorably, yet with quietly assured confidence getting through the three-day examination and passing.

so then why am i letting myself get distracted from the task at hand?

why am i having such a hard time concentrating?

why have i spent the past two hours reading the same five pages of real property?

there are only two reasons, really, why i'm so distracted. . . . but they are two pretty big reasons:

1. because i can't stop thinking about someone i'm completely crazy about; and

2. because i need a cigarette again.

*sigh*

testing, testing . . . .

i am making a shy foray back onto blogger. it's been a good long month or so since my last post and my decision to temporarily/permanently stop blogging on here.

it was hard to stop. there were many things that happened, many ideas that occurred to me right after i put up that last post, things that i could not blog about except only as abbagirl. but i still could not bring myself to blog about them until or unless i discovered what the purpose of this blog should be.

i'm still in the midst of sorting it all out. . . .

in the meantime, with only one month until the bar exam, i only have one thing to say:

i need a fucking cigarette!!

;-P

i hate being a repeat bar exam taker so much. especially in my state, all the odds are stacked against you. traditionally, february bar exams have a pass rate that is about 10 to 15% less than the july exams -- and the pass rate is perhaps even half that for february repeat examinees.

it's hard not to have a heavy heart about these odds.

which is why i could use a damned cigarette right now. as of tomorrow, i will have gone 12 weeks without. that streak is currently in a tenuous state; i probably will not be able to hold out much longer. . . .

:-P

time to do a few practice essays. . . . hope everything is well with everyone!!

bar review still going strong

i slept too much this morning.

but i couldn't help it. i was having a wacky dream, the details of which i can't even remember at this point. in the dream, there were lots of people i know and lots of people i didn't know, and we were on some mission together because some other distrustful people had been messing with us. and so we were plotting together, a la mission: impossible, a retaliation.

it's one of those dreams where you hover in and out of consciousness and know you should get out of bed because it is starting to be late morning. but the dream keeps you interested and eager to see how the end plays out.

in the end, i missed out on the ending because my dog couldn't take it anymore and woke me up. she really had to go pee.

an update on bar review study: this week, we're doing mbe questions. one subject per day, and we have to have all our questions answered by the time we get to class, where we will then watch a video-tape of all the answers being reviewed -- kinda like pmbr. tonight's subject is con law and i am all set and ready to go, having sat down and done all the questions yesterday evening.

i got comments back on my timed multi-state essays yesterday. good lord. i got a lot of criticism. like, good god damn! and i don't mean that in a whiny way. i mean that in a good way. like, keep them coming!! i want to pass so bad. the more constructive feedback i can get, the better. i want it -- keep crackin' that whip and beating my ass!



i'm going to try to get away to the gym this afternoon before class starts. i didn't work out at all last week, what with trying to complete a few grad school apps and having to do all my homework for the bar review class. i'm at a place where i can finally breathe a bit more easily, though, and so a good gym session will be just the thing i need.

i was studying at starbuck's yesterday. there was a cute asian girl there studying criminal law. she is still a law student; she had her text book right there. at one point, she got up to take a smoke break outside. i looked after her a bit longingly but, at the same time, i tried to ignore her.

it's not that i crave a cigarette, per se . . . .

well, maybe i do. just a little.

but i also miss the reprieve that it always gave me and the psychological sense of comfort.

i miss it. i really do.

at the same time, i really don't want to smoke, either. i'm hoping that in quitting this time, i'm quitting for good.

well. unless i'm drinking with other smokers, i mean. then i can't guarantee anything.

i'm glad i stopped, though. it does make me feel like crap and makes it so much harder to breathe. i feel cleaner and healthier now. and all it took for me to quit was going on a complete smoking binge for 24 hours straight after finding out i failed the bar.

hmm. imagine that. :-P

and i think those years of smoking were starting to take a toll on my face. i feel like my face was beginning to lose its elasticity and that everything was starting to sag. i'm too young to lose my adorable asian babyface!

to the concerned reader

to the person who found my blog by typing in this phrase into google:

"does abba smoke now"

i'm not sure whether you are asking about me, personally -- as in abbagirl -- or if you were inquiring about the original members of that musical group abba.

since i don't think any member of abba smoked (bjorn was quite an avid runner, you know, and probably would've bitch-slapped the other members for smoking), then i think you must've been specifically wondering about my oral habits. thus, i can honestly tell you that the answer is "no." i haven't touched a cigarette for about four weeks now.

thanks for the concern.

enjoying the hell out of freedom

i LOVE being unemployed.

i have been having a really awesome couple of days now.

awesome enough to forget about completely blowing the bar exam?

well, okay. . . . not quite. :-P

seriously, though, other than that, life has been great. i am free to dictate how my day goes!

i go to bed whenever. . . .

. . . i wake up whenever. . . .

. . . i take my time to leisurely drink two cups of coffee while catching up on the news of the day. and then i have a toasted bagel with cream cheese for brunch. . . .

. . . and when i feel i am sufficiently awake, i head to the gym, a brand new 24 hour fitness center that opened close to where i live so that i don't have to go to the one in the ghettos that i used to go to. . . .

. . . and i stay there for however long i wish, based on how much energy i have, which this week has been a lot. . . .

it's just been great!!

:-)

and my physical endurance is picking up. before this week, i probably hadn't gone to the gym in about two or three months, seriously. but today, i managed to run two miles before pooping out, then made myself do 100 sit-ups (yes, sit-ups -- not crunches) on one of those elevated angled benches, and then worked with some 8-pound weights, including some lunges. and then it was over to the stairmaster.

so i feel freakin' great! hella sore in certain places, but otherwise better than i've felt in a long time.

admit it -- ya'll are jealous that i am having all this free time.

i'm telling you -- unemployment's the way to go!! freedom! yay!

but you know what the topper of my day is?

i just got paid today. i worked 7 full days at the beginning of november -- and i finally got paid for them.

whew! the amount on the paycheck is not much, but seriously, i can breathe a bit easier right now.

i am loving the mirrors at the new 24 hour gym i now go to. i wish i had those mirrors at home! we all know how self-absorbed and narcissistic i am, so it should not be any surprise that i happened to check myself out in the mirror while doing my crunches. i was astounded -- i looked great! i was especially impressed by how my thighs looked. like good god, are those things mine? get out! i couldn't believe it. they looked so . . . skinny . . . and strong. they looked nothing like the wide bags of lard that i am otherwise used to seeing when i look down at them.

but of course, the gym has "special" mirrors. because then i came home and looked at myself in the mirror here. and of course, the damned mirror nearly cracked to pieces.

*sigh*

this unusual health bent of mine is manifesting itself in other ways, too. like, ever since coming home from my road-trip last week (or maybe it was two week ago?), i have only touched one cigarette. and even then, it did not taste very good. so it only solidified for me just how little i desire one anymore.

and this was before seeing this post by awesome skinbeatergreg.

we'll see how long i can keep up these healthy habits. i give it two weeks, tops.

the temp office tracked me down today via phone today. the girl i talked to wanted to know what the deal was: did i want to be assigned another temp job or what?

i kind of hemmed and hawed. obviously, based on all the foregoing, i am quite reluctant to be a slave to a bureaucratic system again. i'm feeling good! i'm back on the road to living a healthy lifestyle again! why willingly let myself get enslaved by the ol' 8/40 again?

but then she mentioned that she might have a part-time position available. . . .

and so i thought, hmm. i guess i can do part-time. . . .

the girl wasn't too clear on what the job itself entailed and so she promised to call some people and get back to me by tomorrow. based on certain things she said, though, i suspect that accounting/payroll shizz is involved . . . .

:-P

another downside is that, this time, the temp position would be located about 35 miles away from my house, which, during rush hour, would take a good 60 to 75 minutes to trudge through.

at the very least, though, since it's only a part-time position, at least i would only have to worry about rush-hour in one direction, not two.

i'll keep an open mind. i'll wait for the girl to call me back tomorrow with more details. the potential accounting aspect of the job does not frighten me, nor the commute. but if it turns out that i'll be paid even less than i was before, i'll turn her down and tell her to release me from temp services.

i love being in control of my life.

;)

give me strength

do not go buy cigarettes. do not smoke.

do not go buy cigarettes. do not smoke.

do not go buy cigarettes. do not smoke.

do not go buy cigarettes. do not smoke.

do not go buy cigarettes. do not smoke.

. . . . . .

actually, maybe it would be okay if i just got a pack of ultra-lights. . . .

right??

this is going to be a long, long fucking day.

non-smoking zone

i smoked my third and final cigarette this morning at 10:11 a.m.

it was hard, but i refrained from going across the street in front of my office to the ghetto cigarette shop to buy a new pack in desperation.

despite the cravings for a deep lungful of a good cigarette puff, i will hold strong and true and not buy another pack.

at least not until this sunday, when i get a 5k/10k race in s.f. out of the way. :-D

i am starting to feel better. to only have had three cigarettes today is quite good for me lately. unfortunately, i had stepped up consumption to a pack every three days, which is not good. i'm already seeing a difference in my running -- i was doing pretty good on the outdoor track near my house. i took yesterday off from running but will probably run every day from now until sunday so that i don't lose my groove or endurance.

i won't have my butt kicked by this race! even more importantly, i won't be the last one among my friends to cross the finish line. :)

that's the only reason why i'd give up the cigs for the remainder of the week: pride.

i love this song -- boston's "amanda." brad delp has a fantastic voice. the song makes me want to flick my lighter on and start waving it around.