late-night introspection

for a while there, i had to really fight the urge to dash over to the smoke shop near my house to get cigs.

luckily, the craving only hit me during the late-night hours when this particular smoke shop is closed. i refuse to smoke anything but this one particular brand -- and that shop is the only one that carries it -- and sells it at discount to boot. :-D

but luckily, the craving has stopped.

instead, what i'm fighting against at the moment are the negative, self-sabotaging thoughts.

when i started my bar review class, i and the other folks taking the class were given a stern, arrogant talking-to by the attorney-instructor. he knew most of us were repeaters. and in that one night, he hit home for us why we were repeaters.

pretty much it all boils down to self-sabotage.

my friend waitress, j.d., has blogged about this aspect as it pertains to her. i empathize with her post a great deal, but my story, while similar to hers in many respects, is still a bit different.

my bio isn't worth going over. but suffice to say, i recognize that my challenge in conquering the bar exam has not only to do with making sure i understand the black letter law but also in having the confidence to go forward and beyond this test to the next level and actually be an attorney.

basically, that first night, the bar review instructor asked us rhetorically, "why do you want to pass the bar?"

then he paused dramatically.

"of course, your answer is 'to be an attorney!' but that's not what i mean. i mean, why do you want to be an attorney? what do you see yourself doing after you pass this bar? what are your plans?"

and that's what got me. my mind completely hit a wall. i have been so riveted on the bar exam since graduating law school. even when i chose not to take it and deferred it, i still thought about it. but i never envisioned, on a practical level, what would happen after that, were i to pass.

of course, i can see myself sitting behind a desk behind mounds of folders, looking great in these great suits i got tailor-made for myself when i visited vietnam last year (it was so cheap to do these suits -- and i look great in them! if i do say so myself ;) ). but what am i actually doing?

damned if i know.

i just never really thought that far because, short-sighted as i am, i only focused on this one singular, insurmountable barrier. do i want to be a lawyer? do i not? i don't even like most lawyers. but even this question of whether i like or don't like lawyers is a form of self-sabotage, too.

isn't it??

i think it is. . . . i think it was a way for me to accept being fine with not having become an attorney without even trying for it -- and then it became a way for me to justify failing the bar and accepting failure even before i got the results back.

this time around, my mindset's kind of changed. i am so much more relaxed than i was while studying for last july's exam. i am kind of more accepting of what will happen. if i fail it again, i may or may not take it again this summer. who knows. it helps that i have other options on the table that i am as passionate about completing. like, if i had absolutely no other career choice available, then yes, i'd keep at it. but that's not the case -- thank goodness.

every time i talk to one of my best friends from law school on the phone, she marvels at me. she marvels at how i just "troop through" stuff (that's her phrase). and i was surprised; i've always felt stigmatized and that my law school friends were always disappointed in me or talking smack about my underachieving tendencies in these recent years. so feeling somewhat embarrassed about the obviously admiring tone in her voice, i told her i didn't feel much like a "trooper" at all, having experienced so many set-backs. i told her i didn't even feel like i could hold my head up very high sometimes.

but she emphatically dismissed that, saying, "but you're still hanging in there! most people would've given up by now. i would've given up!" and she compared me and how i am today to how she used to know me when we were still in law school. "you're so much more calmer today than you were then, and more mature" -- (which is true -- i was a really young, naive, sheltered 21-year-old when i started law school) -- "there's no way i could do what you're doing. you're so much stronger now today than before, and much stronger than me."

exasperated but somewhat touched, i told her, "dude, there's no way you'd ever have gotten yourself in the same kind of situation as me. i'm totally lame!"

but good friend that she is, she wouldn't have any of it.

ugh. damned self-sabotage. i really don't know where i get that.

but i just really have this perpetual mind-set of believing that i simply don't deserve anything good, am not worthy of having good things happen to me, and even when good things do happen, i dismiss them as flukes or a result of lucky happenstance.

and i see that happening in relationships, too. and maybe that's why they all tend to go bad. . . . now don't get me wrong. i'm a girl who stands alone. i like being unattached, single, and having absolutely no obligations.

generally speaking, anyway.

that, of course, changes when i meet someone who rocks my world.

and then what tends to happen is just that i end up caring a bit too much and make the relationship all about pleasing the other person to the point of self-sacrifice. and i don't do it on purpose. i think i get it from my mom; we both love pretty rarely, but when we do, it is all in, and it's intense. nothing is too much to do for our loved ones. blood, organ, life, limb -- if you want it, need it, you don't have to ask twice; you got it. and the rest of the world can go to hell, but if you mess with someone we love, you better be prepared to go to hell, too.

but the idea behind it is that, somehow, you're not worthy of the love of someone else. and so the more you undertake physical actions that show what you'd do for another, what you'd give up, the more you show the other person that you are indeed worthy of being loved.

and i dunno. i used to think it was great to be that way. with everyone i love, it's all about loyalty and passion -- and showing that while it's one thing to say something, it's quite another to do it and prove it. actions speak louder than words, after all.

yet sooner or later, you do wonder what the hell you're doing and why you give up so much of yourself yet still believe that you aren't even worthy of the same in return.

and i'm thinking, now, that this is just another symptom of the self-sabotage, i'm-not-worthy-of-anything-good sentiment.

and i certainly don't think it's a condition unique to me. girls and women around the world suffer this to a certain extent. we're always taught to make our own needs and wishes subservient to those around us, particularly to male authority. but i think my tendency to do this has been exacerbated by the damned filial piety ideal that is embedded within confucianism and its practice. it really teaches young kids to be subservient to the will of parents, of elders, of older brothers and sisters, and to respected men. i respect confucianism for creating social order and the practice of venerating the wise and the elders.

but it sure can have screwy effects.

:-P

i think i do have a point as i rattle off these thoughts going on in my head tonight.

my point is maybe i am worthy of more than i give myself credit for.

maybe i deserve to pass the bar.

maybe i deserve to move on with my life if i don't pass.

and maybe i deserve the good things that happen to me as much as i deserve the bad things.

*sigh*

*shrug*

in any case, i do believe that there is indeed at least one important question all of us repeat bar examinees should ask ourselves if we find ourselves struggling with the insurmountable challenges that passing the bar exam poses.

and the question is not "how much have you studied?" nor "how many practice exams have you taken thus far?"

the question is, "why do you want to pass?"

my bar review instructor asserts that if you can't answer that question, just like i couldn't answer that question, then maybe, just maybe, we shouldn't be lawyers and should stop wasting our time, money, and effort. we should opt for a new career instead.

when he said that, i was chagrined and ashamed. he wasn't speaking to me directly, but i still sure as hell felt that he was.

so it's time to start thinking about whether we want it -- and if so, how much -- and where we envision ourselves and what our plans are.

why do we want to pass?

topsy-turvy

this is how i feel right now:

"topsy-tuvy" -- from disney's hunchback of notre dame

lots of stuff going on.

i am starting to get into full-on moody mood-swings. there are probably two people in the world that i care to deal with and can be civil with in person, period. everyone else can go to hell!!

but i am not so much short-tempered (well, okay, maybe just a little bitchy) as much as i'm a bit depressed and wondering what the hell i am even doing trying to take the damned bar exam again.

my bar review class, so far, is okay and yet not. i can't believe how much it costs, and after three days of classes, i have begun wondering whether i will be getting my money's worth.

but i shouldn't be so judgmental about it so early on. it is what you make of it, after all.

my mom knows i'm depressed about the situation i'm in. her attitude, though, is, "don't give up!" last night, she was pointing out examples of people who had to take the bar multiple times before passing. "pete wilson" -- she held up five fingers. "brown -- what's his name? the old mayor -- oh, jerry brown!" -- and she held up eight fingers. "so don't worry!" she said. "you don't give up! you take it until you get it!"

i love how she is my cheerleader and all. but somehow it was not enough to raise my spirits.

it will come and go, these downer moods of mine.

but things will get better after this week. i'm mostly stressed because of my graduate school applications. three are due in five days. last week, i was on the fast track to gettin' 'em done -- but the bar review classes threw me off, especially with saturday and sunday classes being all day. :-P

seriously, i think i am unconsciously masochistic. i always find myself biting off more than i can chew.

like, that two-year period of time when i was doing my j.d. AND my m.a. as a non-joint degree because each of the bastard program departments refused to let credits from one program count for the other? it was a fun, intellectually stimulating time -- but it burned me out so quickly, 'cause i'd be taking 15 units from the law school and then 6 units from the grad school, and it just kicked my ass.

bastards!

i do not recommend that for anybody! if you really wish to pursue a j.d./m.a., it's just best to find a school that offers the degrees jointly. you're less likely to end up killing yourself. and what peeved me is that my school offered joint j.d./m.b.a. and j.d./m.p.p. programs, and based on what people have told me, some of the classes you take at those other departments are meaningless, irrelevant classes anyway and have nothing to do with law. so it just pissed me off that some of the classes i took that clearly had roots in both literature and the law, like law and literature from the english department, would not count for the other's program requirements, despite all my pleading.

like, how is law and literature not related to the study of law? in that class, we ended up reading lots of early american abolitionist texts, thomas jefferson writings, and commentaries by oliver wendell holmes. and that's still not law?

and the english department was not immune from my irritation, either. at the law school, i once took a class on art and the law. we read a lot of theory about art, like by kant and others i can't think of at the moment but who are critical to literary critical theory, on what makes art "art" and all the laws, both here in the u.s. and abroad, that are in place to protect works of art and also artifacts. it was a really cool class. i beseeched the head of the english department to read through the syllabus and let the credits count towards my graduate requirement. did i sway him?

nope. all my pleas were in vain. grr!!

obviously, i have not let go of my annoyance at this, despite the passage of almost five years.

yeah. i guess i tend to harbor grudges.

(heh heh!)

in any case, i am almost done with 3 of my grad school apps. the remaining apps aren't due for at least another 15 to 30 days, and i am pretty much done with most of them anyway. so hopefully, i'll be able to kick all of this shit off my to-do list soon.

*deep, slow, forlorn sigh*

i sure could use a martini right about now.