updates on stuff

good news:

temp services has come through for me. i've got two really-short-term gigs lined up this month.

bad news:

i'm being paid less than i was before at my last temping gig.

still, every little bit helps.

the temp services lady also wanted to see if she could slopt me into this longer-term temping gig. it'd be a part-time job that would require my presence five days a week. i told her i could do, at most, four days a week, monday thru thursday.

personally, i'd just like to hold friday open if only because i have a bar review class that night, and if need be, i'd like that whole day to be free in case i need to catch up on any studying or homework for that night.

yes, the class requires homework and holds you accountable if you don't do it -- which is great for my lazy ass!

anyhow, because i held out on the idea of working fridays, that job offer ended up getting revoked.

ah, well. i'm trying not to shed tears about it. :-P

seriously, though, the next time the temp services lady calls me about another job offer, i'm gonna say, don't bother -- i'm done temping.

don't get me wrong. i'm grateful for the two mini-jobs i've got. but seriously, for one, i'm getting paid about $ 13/hour and for the other, it's more like $ 15/hour. which is fine -- like, great! i genuinely am grateful. and they both last less than a day -- even better!

but the downer is that both gigs will require about 75 miles of driving, round-trip, and also that i'll be having to buy single-day parking passes.

not to sound like a whiny cheapskate, but seriously, half the money i'll be making on those days will go directly to paying for gas and parking alone! gas here topped off at about $ 3.44/gallon about a week or so ago and is back down to about $ 3.14. and i can't help but weigh pros and cons like that.

in any case, i accepted both jobs, but for sure, i'd rather not accept anymore temping gigs. the lady has already informed me that the chances are virtually zero of finding a temping job a little closer to where i live on the part-time basis i requested. :-P

it is probably pathetic of me to publicly relay my financial situation that i have at the moment. but you know what? i don't do it for me or for the sake of garnering pity. i do it because, on the off-chance that someone stumbles onto my blog in the same kind of situation, i can at least show them that they're not alone; there's at least one other person in the same situation.

and the only reason why i can talk about the difficulties of the bar exam and become-an-attorney rat race is because of the other blogs i've found on here by people who've been in the same situation, too. seriously, it's a weight off my back to know that i'm not the only poor soul suffering from the kind of mental anxiety that first law school, then the bar exam have given me.

but anyway, yeah, so i'll be quitting the temp shit soon, and that's okay -- i'd really would much rather be hanging out around the house instead any day. especially now, during winter. have i mentioned that i absolutely loathe cold weather? well, here in norcal, it's pretty brusque outside. not cold, as in the kind of cold i'm used to after having lived in the beehive state. but still brusque -- jacket required. couple that with the non-stop rain we've been having the past few days, interspersed with the occasional cold winds, and you have a really cold and miserable abbagirl who ends up much preferring to stay at home, bundled up in thick layers, sitting cross-legged on her chair at her lap-top, blogging away, while an electric heater soothingly emits warm rays in her general direction and her little chihuahua naps on her lap and keeps her thighs warm.



in other news:

older sister is irritating the hell out of me. birthday or not, birthday girls need to play nice and not be so self-absorbed and clueless at least one day outta the year!

how mean is she?

lemme illustrate. say you are having a bad day and are having a bit of a 'tude, and then along comes abbagirl. because you're having a bad day, you can't help but start snapping at abbagirl and cussing her brains out.

abbagirl would only look at you in aghast concern and have a look of wounded innocence in her eyes. her brows would furrow, and her expression would plaintively ask, why are you yelling at me?

but if you were having a bad day and happened to snap at abbagirl's sister, oh, holy fuck. you better run and hide, like, right NOW. the look of venom in her eyes alone would be enough to make your brain start frying, and you would be dead before you even hit the ground.

seriously.

and that's what happened to me today. i asked her a quick question, something totally random and harmless, and i literally got my head bitten off.

like, day-um!

*sigh* sisters.

and in yet other news:

i'm not a fan of old navy.

if i were a momma of an infant, i'd probably make sure to shop at old navy for my kiddie. old navy offers looks that are "in" while not being too over-priced. so if i were concerned about upchuck, poo, pee, and booger-splatters all over and ruining the kid's clothes, then old navy would prolly be the way to go.

but i hate old navy for a couple of other reasons.

first off, the clothes tend to be ultra boxy on me. i might as well be dressed in a ruck-sack. everything is big-boobed, wide-shouldered, and wide-hipped. i wish i were chestier. but at the end of the day, i'm not. so it doesn't make sense for me to shop at a place that just doesn't have my fit.

secondly, the reason why i hate old navy is mostly because of the clientele.

i can't stand old navy shoppers!

i went with my younger sister the other day at around 2 p.m. if you wanna meet ultra-crusty, middle-aged, overweight, hoity-toity, suburban mother/conventional house-wife, minivan driving types, go to your local old navy during typical business work hours, and you'll meet plenty of them leisurely shopping with their noses stuck in the air as they wait for the time to pick up their kids from school and their husbands are slaving away at some blue or white collar job somewheres.

i'm not dissing them because they are housewives or stay-at-home moms. to each his own.

i'm dissing them 'cause their rotten 'tudes.

it's not that, when i shop, i wanna be b.f.f. with everyone. just let me be, and let me browse.

what i don't want is some turd-face housewife waddling past me, giving me a dirty glance, then haughtily sticking her nose in the air while her back stiffens.

like, screw you! what have you got in life that's so special, at least compared to me, you wrinkly jerk-hole!

sure, you may be comfortable in your $ 300k house with an immaculately mowed front lawn and rug-rats biting your ankles while i mope around my house and buying my groceries on credit.

but you know what?

i ain't livin' off anyone's coattails. i don't depend on anyone for my livelihood. my life isn't slave to the demands and time-table of anyone else's schedules. who are you to think you're better than me!

screw you! punk-ass bitch!

not to rage like a lunatic and bitch about everything, though.

i'm just having a rough day, i think. too bad i can't go around tasering people.

"bad day" -- fuel

enjoying the hell out of freedom

i LOVE being unemployed.

i have been having a really awesome couple of days now.

awesome enough to forget about completely blowing the bar exam?

well, okay. . . . not quite. :-P

seriously, though, other than that, life has been great. i am free to dictate how my day goes!

i go to bed whenever. . . .

. . . i wake up whenever. . . .

. . . i take my time to leisurely drink two cups of coffee while catching up on the news of the day. and then i have a toasted bagel with cream cheese for brunch. . . .

. . . and when i feel i am sufficiently awake, i head to the gym, a brand new 24 hour fitness center that opened close to where i live so that i don't have to go to the one in the ghettos that i used to go to. . . .

. . . and i stay there for however long i wish, based on how much energy i have, which this week has been a lot. . . .

it's just been great!!

:-)

and my physical endurance is picking up. before this week, i probably hadn't gone to the gym in about two or three months, seriously. but today, i managed to run two miles before pooping out, then made myself do 100 sit-ups (yes, sit-ups -- not crunches) on one of those elevated angled benches, and then worked with some 8-pound weights, including some lunges. and then it was over to the stairmaster.

so i feel freakin' great! hella sore in certain places, but otherwise better than i've felt in a long time.

admit it -- ya'll are jealous that i am having all this free time.

i'm telling you -- unemployment's the way to go!! freedom! yay!

but you know what the topper of my day is?

i just got paid today. i worked 7 full days at the beginning of november -- and i finally got paid for them.

whew! the amount on the paycheck is not much, but seriously, i can breathe a bit easier right now.

i am loving the mirrors at the new 24 hour gym i now go to. i wish i had those mirrors at home! we all know how self-absorbed and narcissistic i am, so it should not be any surprise that i happened to check myself out in the mirror while doing my crunches. i was astounded -- i looked great! i was especially impressed by how my thighs looked. like good god, are those things mine? get out! i couldn't believe it. they looked so . . . skinny . . . and strong. they looked nothing like the wide bags of lard that i am otherwise used to seeing when i look down at them.

but of course, the gym has "special" mirrors. because then i came home and looked at myself in the mirror here. and of course, the damned mirror nearly cracked to pieces.

*sigh*

this unusual health bent of mine is manifesting itself in other ways, too. like, ever since coming home from my road-trip last week (or maybe it was two week ago?), i have only touched one cigarette. and even then, it did not taste very good. so it only solidified for me just how little i desire one anymore.

and this was before seeing this post by awesome skinbeatergreg.

we'll see how long i can keep up these healthy habits. i give it two weeks, tops.

the temp office tracked me down today via phone today. the girl i talked to wanted to know what the deal was: did i want to be assigned another temp job or what?

i kind of hemmed and hawed. obviously, based on all the foregoing, i am quite reluctant to be a slave to a bureaucratic system again. i'm feeling good! i'm back on the road to living a healthy lifestyle again! why willingly let myself get enslaved by the ol' 8/40 again?

but then she mentioned that she might have a part-time position available. . . .

and so i thought, hmm. i guess i can do part-time. . . .

the girl wasn't too clear on what the job itself entailed and so she promised to call some people and get back to me by tomorrow. based on certain things she said, though, i suspect that accounting/payroll shizz is involved . . . .

:-P

another downside is that, this time, the temp position would be located about 35 miles away from my house, which, during rush hour, would take a good 60 to 75 minutes to trudge through.

at the very least, though, since it's only a part-time position, at least i would only have to worry about rush-hour in one direction, not two.

i'll keep an open mind. i'll wait for the girl to call me back tomorrow with more details. the potential accounting aspect of the job does not frighten me, nor the commute. but if it turns out that i'll be paid even less than i was before, i'll turn her down and tell her to release me from temp services.

i love being in control of my life.

;)

an agitated rant and a prayer

dude.

i'm really scared.

bar results come out in exactly a week.

i feel like i've waited so long for the results to come out that i just don't care anymore.

conversely, though, i feel like i could stand to postpone knowing the results for, oh, a good ten more years.

i am just so nervous. nervous as hell! fuck!

i know i've talked over and over again about not caring . . . .

and it's true that i've got other plans in the works anyway, so this won't be the end-all and be-all of my existence; i'm not going to go out and kill myself if i don't pass (i think).

but god. at the same time, this is everything, everything, that i have worked hard for.

i talk breezily about how much i hated law school when i was in it, how i didn't like most of the people there.

but i still worked my ass off on it.

and when i studied for the bar, i simultaneously hated how it became the bane of my daily existence, because all i would do, day in and day out, was try to memorize all these damned rules and meticulously write out essay answers.

but i still gave it everything i had.

when something becomes so much a part of you, and you work so damned hard on it, even as you loathe the fuck out of it, no matter what you say, no matter how much you wish otherwise, it still is so very important to you. in fact, it's become you. so despite all my plans, despite all my wishes, despite my other life goals which have nothing to do with practicing law, i want this. i want it so badly. it's something i've dedicated myself to wholeheartedly, even if my heart wasn't in it per se.

i'm sorry. i wish i could not care so much about it.

but how could i not? three years of law school, then two years of trying to put it away and not think about it but having it still lurk over my shoulder, then half a year of my life studying for it, and the huge chunks of money i've paid and still owe on loans that got me through law school and paying for all the review materials and not having a nice steady job for practically this whole year . . . . how could i not want to pass and start practicing? seriously?

godfuckingdammit. so that's why i'm agitated and why i'm not myself. that's why i'm ready to get all shit-faced right now at 8:30 in the morning seven days before the results come out and keep myself in a wasted state until i somehow find the nerve to check the results on the web.

damn it.

but today is my last day of work. i must play it cool today, and then by 4:30 p.m., i can start railing agitatedly in my mind and try to find a way to not get all frickin' crazy this next week.

i brought doughnuts in for my co-workers.

i noticed that other people have brought in stuff, too.

darn it. can't i have my last day be business as usual? i'm only a temp!!

but dang it, unfortunately, they love me. and i think they really will miss me. i hope they don't make me do some damned speech or anything. . . .

*sad, heavy sigh*

ai-ya.

all praise to buddha and the spirits who lived before me and who are now my protectors in this world, please help me find the strength to patiently wait out this next week and to deal with things as they come. and please also help me find the strength to not let my dark thoughts ruin my last day of work here so that i can show my gratitude to my co-workers who have really gone above and beyond for me in every possible way and love me so wholeheartedly. help me be upbeat and happy because i really am grateful to have met them and to have worked among them, and i do not want to ruin a day that they have enthusiastically planned, just for the sake of me.

feelings of nostalgia, now that my days of employment are narrowly numbered

things i'll miss about my rubber-stamping job

1. ending up with ink-stains all over my hands at the end of each work day without fail.

2. re-filling up my ink pads with those roll-on inker things.

3. the challenge of stamping each page of a 100+ page document and trying to make sure the stamp lands on the same spot and in a straight manner on each and every page.

4. lubing up the first two fingers and thumb of my left hand with sortkwik, the "non-staining fingertip moistener" that offers an "easy, clean way to get a grip."

5. mindlessly losing myself in a meditative, zen-like way in performing the same manual tasks over and over.

6. leaning against the office's old copy machine, which vibrates just the slightest bit to give me a cheap but pleasant thrill for the day.

;)

7. forgetting that, for the first time in my life ever, i have direct deposit so that when i log into my bank account over the internet, my eyes grow a-gog at the amount of money that has miraculously* appeared in my account.

* "miraculously" as in "i forgot to expect money in there!" -- not as in "gee, that sure is a lot of money in there."

8. meeting a whole bunch of cute and smart doctors, residents, and other kinds of staff here at the med. center.

9. talking shit with kooky, g.w.n.h., and ghetto supa-star about work in general and also about our other more-irritating co-workers.

things i sure as hell won't miss about my rubber-stamping job

1. hippie sex predator's disgusting bodily stench, which follows him around like ruby gloom and her dreary cloud of dark rain.

2. hippie sex predator yelling on the phone for sometimes hours at a time at his wife, son, doctor, health insurance provider, friends, neighbors, and a whole host of other characters for something or other and otherwise providing way too much info about himself.

3. hippie sex predator's fuggly countenance and short, highly disgusting, oompa-loompa-like appearance.

4. hippie sex predator himself (obviously).

5. the long-assed staff meetings that go on forever.

6. hustling over to loaner boss' at her insistence and being trained for something or other, then having her drop me like a hot potato and leave me hanging when she gets distracted by other people or events.

7. dealing with difficult people who think i should drop everything to tend to their every whim and otherwise try to make me feel like i'm an insignificant little pea-brain, even though i generally tend to hold two or three more degrees than they do.

8. commuting back and forth for about forty minutes each way, over the span of a measly 18 miles, amongst a sea of bad drivers, through the ghettoes of sactown.

---------------------------------

freedom from the wretched cubicle life in 8 more days!! yay!

full of shit (where "shit" = myself)

the morning has been crazy!

right now, i kinda feel as if i'm in the middle of the rainforest and unable to find a clear path to walk on that will lead me out of the chaos and back into civilization. still, i am determinedly hacking away at the underbrush with my machete, clearing all the debris away and forging my own path that i know will ultimately lead me out of the craziness.

so despite it all, at least i feel that the fate of the day is in my hands and not left up to random chance. :)

and it's a good thing i've been kept pretty busy all day thus far today. it's already a quarter to one! half the day is already gone! yay!

my uncle has been trying to get a-hold of me for the past few days. i finally just talked to him about an hour ago. he really wants me to apply for this one particular attorney gig, even though bar results haven't come out yet. "apply," he says, "and let me know when you've submitted your application. then i can give them a call."

O_O

sometimes i'm astounded by how much leverage he has -- in all the right places.

he's pulled a bunch of strings for me before, and because of him, i've had lots of opportunities to meet local politicians and party it up at fund-raisers and campaign events and stuff. he's an awesome dude, and that's why he is so well-placed and still well-liked even after years of having been out of the political arena. like the rest of my family on my maternal side, he's just a great dude -- brash and honest and just totally hilarious. he's got some strong opinions and doesn't hesitate to share them. and on a personal level, he's done so much for me and is always on the look-out for new opportunities for me. he's easily my favorite uncle.

just like i'm easily the favorite niece of all for him and all my other aunts and uncles. :) seriously, they all treat me as if i were their own kid. and i know none of my other cousins gets the same kind of treatment from aunts and uncles. it's fucking awesome and a damned privilege. i totally try to respect this and not take it for granted.

i think my family is strange like that. there are so many strong personalities, and as a result, people from one familial subset won't necessarily get along with people from another familial subset. certain people just don't like compromising their personalities, quirks, and/or opinions and so rather than do so, they just avoid anything more personal than a "howdy-do."

fortunately, i'm nothing like that. i take after my momma in this respect; we can get along with anyone. in fact, we're the type of people who can make friends with total strangers. because of this, i can actually negotiate my way into each familial subset within my family tree without nary a qualm. i don't see anyone else in my family, both within my family nucleus and among familial relations, being able to do so -- nor even having the desire to do that.

it makes me wonder why. don't they want to be on good terms with anyone else besides their immediate family? we're all blood, you know!

oh, wait -- it just hit me why. it's an asian thing, i think. but each family subset is in competition with each other, each wanting their kids to be the best and most successful. so this carries on into how they interact with each other, with outside relations. now that i think about it, i think i am the one who is cut the most slack and is treated most favorably by everyone. i'm the first of my particular generation within the family to have finished one, let alone two, advanced degrees. and now that i think about it, i think all the aunts and uncles have lavished accolades on me to their kids -- while also instigating them to try to surpass me in achievements. . . .

and it is easy for the cuzzes to do this if they become doctors or whatever.

as everyone in the world knows by now, having doctor kids is every stereotypical asian family's dream.

and in regards to this particular stereotype, my fam ain't no exception.

silly people. don't they know that family members should love each other no matter what?

still, i'm the only one who can navigate through the murky waters and have genuine and positive interactions with all the families, despite the fact that each of them generally tend to prefer to keep on their own island. they stll willingly let me enter their domain whenever i want.

it's at such times that i like being me. i do have an inordinate amount of pride and tend to be a bit self-absorbed. but i haven't got so much pride that i cannot appreciate the personalities and unique proclivities in other people.

yes, i'm a strange, moody chick sometimes. i prefer books to people because i prefer fictional drama, not real-life drama. and i am full of myself sometimes (or a lot of the time, depending on how you see it), despite my insecurities and occasional indecisiveness about what i really believe. and one of my favorite pasttimes of all time is talking shit about people -- even though i know i should know better and should stop partaking of such a heinous activity.

nonetheless . . .

i do think the world would be a better place if everyone was just like me.

mission: accomplished

'tis done.

the goal i set for myself in my last post has been completed.

why does it have to be so hard? in all reasonableness, it shouldn't be that hard. and really, my number two boss was so great and understanding and gracious about it.

but still.

every time i have to quit my job, which i have done three times in the past two years, even when leaving a bad situation, it is a hard thing to do.

i feel like i am disappointing them.

i'm big on confucist principles -- unfortunately.

hierarchy is everything, as well as maintaining reciprocal roles. not only does this mean that i enthusiastically adore dom/sub role-playing . . . .

;)

. . . but in day-to-day life, it just also means the world to me to have my higher-ups approve of what i do.

i actually don't know of anyone who takes confucist roles, ideals, and relationships as seriously as i do. i'm quite proper in this respect, i think. confucius saw inequality in all relationships and he determined that this inequality was inherent and natural. it was thus his opinion that relationships should naturally reflect this inequality. in his philosophy, there are four ideal relationships, and if i remember them correctly, they are as follows: parent-child, elder-younger, older brother-younger brother, and . . .
something else. . . . i forget. . . .

but anyhow, in a single relationship between two people, one is considered to be more entitled to respect than the other, and this could be because of age, experience, lineage, prestige, etc. in all my relationships, whether professional, personal, familial, or whatever, for some reason, i have always tended to hold myself out as being the lesser person in the relationship while holding the other in greater esteem than me. as a result, i often feel like i should be doing more to make the other person happy, as if it were in my power to create that happiness.

well, we all can do more to make everyone important to us happy, can't we?

and so that is why i feel like, in regards to my current bosses, i have not quite held up my end of the bargain and that, just as i am starting to fulfill my obligations to them, i have gone and left them in the lurch.

i shouldn't feel this way. after all, i'm only a temporary employee!! by the very nature of my job, it wasn't meant to be permanent! and number two did express sorry that i was leaving. "you have really done a great job with your position," she said, "everyone keeps telling me how fast and good you are."

why, thanks!

sure, it's a no-brainer job. but hey, words of praise and encouragement never hurt anyone. :)

and really, it only goes to show how great the people are over here. if i didn't have other plans or my particular background, i may consider staying on just based on the personalities of my bosses alone. they're nice peeps.

but 'tis done. my last day is friday, november 9th.

mission accomplished.

here's to me whippin' myself into action --

goal for tomorrow

by this time tomorrow, i hope i will have gotten the nerve up to turn in my two week's notice and thus be free of employment. this should give me ample freedom to hug a bottle of vodka reassuringly to myself whenever i want in anticipation of getting the bar exam results.

unemployment! freedom! yay!

i just learnt last friday that the third temp girl who started working at this office after me (i was the second temp who came over) is being let go because a permanent employee has just been hired and will start at our office in a few weeks. i was shocked when i heard that she was being sent back to the temp agency (and of course, i was the last one in the office to know), especially because i've been quite candid with management about my intent to leave the office right around the time bar results are released. like, why send her back, and not me since i'm leaving anyway?

and so, i've decided what the hell. it's time for me to quit.

the timing of this actually works out for me: wouldn't it be better for the office if i were gone instead and just have the third temp girl take my place? that way, she could stay on and not have to go to a strange new office and get used to a different group of people. and the office, too, would benefit because they wouldn't necessarily have to start from scratch in teaching the girl the nuances of my job (even though it's a purely rubber-stamping job, there are still nuances to my job -- there really are!!)

i'm not sure whether the bosses would ask the girl to stay, but i've already talked about it on the down-low with her. her last day of work is scheduled to be friday, november 2. i asked her if she was interested in staying on longer with this office and in taking my position. i told her that if she was interested, i could totally work it for her with what limited power i have over management. the girl said it was all good either way because she's been trying to find a permanent position herself elsewhere within the system, and although she would prefer a position at another office located closer to her house, she also wouldn't mind staying on at this particular office, either.

she also said that she wouldn't be surprised if management did offer her a chance to take my position. if they did offer it to her, she said she'd consider it but wouldn't automatically accept it per se.

she's a good girl. good head on her shoulders. i'm sure things will work out for her either way.

in any case, tomorrow i'll hand in my notice, which is never an easy thing for me to do. not to sound all big-headed, but my bosses and co-workers always tend to love me -- and it sucks to have to disappoint the people who love me and have such faith in me. . . .

so . . . wish me luck.

keeping a sunny perspective during an otherwise grey day

i overslept this morning. i woke up at about 7:00 a.m.

and i had to go give someone a ride somewhere, too.

but i still got here at about 8:03 a.m.

:-D

i tend to sleep obliviously after partaking in even only one or two drinks. i just conk out for good.

and yesterday was a pretty long day. the mounds of paperwork never ends, and for some reason, this past week, it all go more out-of-control than i'm otherwise used to.

it didn't help that the commute home yesterday took an abnormal 90 minutes, instead of the usual 30 to 45. there is construction going on on the long stretch of road that i use to go home. we were all stretched out in a single lane. plus, the construction crew had turned off the stoplights at one of the busier intersections, and the people directing the flow of traffic there kinda forgot to let the stream of cars that i was in go.

so it actually took me 45 minutes to traverse 0.1 miles.

i was semi-annoyed.

only semi-annoyed, though. i was too busy being amused by the older hispanic lady in the mini-van behind me. at one point, after traffic had not moved a single inch for about 20 minutes, she started getting visibly agitated in her car. "what the fuck--!" i could see her mouthing. and she started jumping and bouncing in her car.

yeah, lady -- like that's going to be helpful. just chill!

but she amused me. that really helped me not to get too worked up about the otherwise obnoxious and irritating traffic lull.

it's all about maintaining a positive perspective.

and it did help to be able to close the day off with a beer. only a pint, though.

but that is why i get on so well with people. they think i'm a positive, joyful girl. in a way, i am, i guess. . . .

at the same time, i'm really not that positive. i just see things differently and am able to make peace with even the most difficult or negative situations. for some people, that reads positive; for me, i'm just calling things as i see them.

for someone who overslept a bit this morning, i am surprised at how un-lethargic i am. i've got energy and focus. i'm not picking up the phone today at all. i'm not going to run around. i'm just going to put my nose to the grind and get rid of all this damned paperwork i'm surrounded by. there is not a single square of my desk that is not cluttered. i can't stand it. so i'm shutting out the world today and am just gonna get all this shit out of the way.

and it is rather grey and rainy today. and cold. but i still find it to be rather beautiful today. sactown is the tree capital of the world -- so they say; apparently, there are more trees per square mile (or something like that) than any other city in the world. and today, i'm definitely appreciative of this. even though the skies are a dull grey, the trees and other vegetation, with their shiny sheen of moisture, offer such a crisp, colorful relief.

it's a beautiful sight, it really is.

so no, it is not that bad of a day, really. and i will just lay low and get all the stuff i need to do out of the way.

and then before long, i can greet the onset of weekend with a grateful embrace.

distracted by the bar exam

i really must stop being so moody about the bar exam. i shouldn't let it get the best of me.

it's really 'cause i have been a bit tired lately, especially last night. i went and had dinner. it was an okay, pretty light-hearted time. but it wore me out. after i blogged on here yesterday, i had to go straight to bed. i was unconscious and in a blissfully dreamless state before my head even hit the pillow.

but i am just getting butterflies in my stomach thinking about november 16th, the day the results are released (at 6:00 p.m., pacific standard time). they're not the good kind of butterflies, but the wretched ones. they really are bouncing around uneasily in my tummy.

notice i have not been mentioning how tough it is to refrain from smoking anymore?

yeah, it's because i quit quitting. i am on my second pack for the week. i didn't even make it to 10 days of being smoke-free.

i am sure each cigarette is subtracting a year from my life. but i can't help agitatedly puffing on one when the mood strikes.

because i am so tired, i am also looking rather grubby today. i am basically still wearing the white vee-neck tee that i went to bed in, and i just pulled a thin, deep vee-neck, charcoal-colored hoodie over it (it's too thin -- i am pretty cold here at the office) and slid into a pair of jeans. i am hoping i am not looking as grubby as i feel if only for the fact that i always wear designer jeans. :) and then i just slipped my feet into a pair of converse that i got recently -- i don't know what you call them, but they're the ones with no laces. i love converse sneaks, and these ones are pretty cute -- they're a mostly dark color, with black rubber treads, and they've got little pink broken hearts all over them.

broken hearts. how fitting.

:-P ;)

but i must do what it takes to keep perspective and try to stop thinking about anything that can get me down.

i must be up-beat!

i also have a minor sense of foreboding about working on an intermittent basis for that other office. i am being loaned out by my current office to one in the legal department. i was definitely excited at first -- and still am, because i don't mind adding a bit of experience and knowledge about something i'm not familiar with to my professional repertoire. but i can't help being apprehensive, too.

you just have to worry when your new boss keeps joking or talking in surreptitious whispers about the negative office politics rather incessantly.

it was funny at first. but really, uneasy jokes on the same subject on a persistent basis soon loses its charming luster. it is just not an indicator of anything positive.

so i went back over to the legal department yesterday afternoon. the new boss gave me a general run-down of what i should expect to do. but she really couldn't talk any specifics (red flag!). and there is no general process or procedure to really adhere to (red flag!). and her door was open so she kept whispering when referring to other people who worked in the office (high, elevated alert!). and then she brought in someone whom i came to sense was her b.f.f. of the office who kept giving me strange, apprehensive, and rather suspicious stares (sound the alarms!! *wonk wonk!!* time for massive evacuation!!).

not to jump to conclusions about people. LOL hopefully, my first impressions turn out to be completely erroneous.

but i have a feeling that they won't be completely off.

that's the thing with any bureaucracy, though. you get a lot of great, smart people working at the higher levels and getting promoted through the ranks fairly quickly. but at the same time, a lot of these people lack the kind of social and leadership skills that earn them the respect of the people they oversee. i'm not sure if the private industry is any better -- but in all the public sectors that i've worked in, and i've worked in perhaps four or five, or maybe six, at this point, it just comes to be rather glaringly true.

except for my current boss -- the real one i work for, not the one to whom i'm being loaned. he really has the loyalty and respect of his people well in hand. in fact, my loaner boss has wondered incredulously the past two days, to both me and my real boss, about how he has managed to maintain such a positive vibe in his office.

you either really have it or you really don't.

i must really think about something positive.

two of my favorite bands ever are playing in reno this weekend: the go-go's will be playing a show on saturday, october 6th, and social distortion has a show on sunday, october 7th.

what sucks about being a punk-hearted, twenty-ish, asian-american girl living in this town, though, is that the other people i hang out with, mostly other asians, do not tend to like cool bands like the go-go's or social distortion. reno is only a couple of hours away, and i would totally go see one or both the shows . . . . but i hate going to shows by myself . . . !

everyone i know over here is more into kanye and other hip-hop peeps whom i know nothing about.

it really is a pity. they don't even know who the traveling wilburys are!!

O_O

they just look at me agape when i happen to have it playing in my car.

at least i'm not making them listen to marilyn manson. you'd think i was subjecting them to some form of painful torture or something.

i love the traveling wilburys. you not only have george harrison, my favorite beatle, in the band, but also one of my favorite crooners, roy orbison, and that bad ass tom petty. and then there's jeff lynne and bob dylan, too. the best, yet most short-lived, band ever!


"handle me with care" -- traveling wilburys

now i'm off to a staff meeting. damn it.

decisions, decisions

choices

1. continue working as a temp

pros

the people are okay, except for a few who tend to get on my nerves.

i get to work autonomously and don't really answer to anyone.

a lot of cute eye-candy tend to stop by the office to ask me for assistance.

the head of the operations has taken an interest in my legal career and, if i play my cards right, i think he can groom me to ultimately join the legal department there, which he seems interested in doing.

the job is easy.

cons

the job isn't very challenging, and most of the time, i'm either blogging or half-heartedly going through the motions.

the people i can't stand? i really can't stand them.

i get paid shit.

no guarantee that the head of my office will or can help me. just a hunch.

2. nag my undergraduate alma mater about that teaching job.

pros

i get a taste of teaching to see if i like it and am capable of doing it.

i get to share my love for reading and writing

i'd be teaching college students, e.g., adults.

i can go back to an academic environment.

i can move back to the beehive state.

cons

i get paid shit.

i'd be teaching intro-to-writing type courses in which, worst-case scenario, i'd have to read a lot of haphazard, effortless shit writing.

i'd be back in the beehive state.

3. anticipating having failed the bar, don't do anything, stay at my current job, leave in november, and immediately start studying again for the february bar exam without taking up another job.

pros

i persistently pursue the bar exam and learn the importance of not taking no for an answer.

i hate working and will have plenty of free time to do my own thing while balancing that with bar study.

i can spend the whole day with my cute lil' dog, who sometimes helps me study.

cons

i'm poor as it is and may have to sink into even more debt just to fucking study.

i'd have to study again and begin battling premature greyness.

4. anticipating having failed the bar, wait another half-year to take the july bar exam and, in the meantime, go back into state service to start building up my savings again.

pros

go back to a sturdy $ 4500/month salary and life is fine because i can go back to going out with friends, having splendid twenty-something girlish fun, and not have to worry about making payments on any of my bills.

i can continue to learn more about the intricacies of california's bureaucracies at a whole other department and appreciate just how much the state government really does keep the whole state going.

i'd get all my benefits back -- delta dental, vision service plan, and my ol' kaiser healthcare plan. i haven't had any coverage for any of these things at all for the past six months or so. it freaks my mom out.

cons

window-less cubicle life. 'nuff said.

return to the terrible, horrible, very bad commute to downtown.

i'd go back to taking orders from idiots and bitch and moan about my lame bosses to my mom until it drives her completely mad.

5. screw the bar exam results, chill with this temp job until january or february of next year, when the office begins searching for a permanent employee for my position, let the temp agency find me another job, and just hang out wherever they place me until grad. school starts -- assuming i even get in anywhere.

pros

i don't have any responsibilities, can lay low, and relax, and let the anticipation build about a return to an academic life.

i can start writing the next great american novel.

cons

it's against my nature to be lazy, unmotivated, and spend so much time getting by. grad. school is still a whole year away. i've already wasted the past couple of years of my life.

i continue to get paid shit.

decisions.

either way, every now and then, i start to feel like this little boy:

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i love stevie nicks. here she is with her girls sharon and lori doing a live version of "leather and lace."