priorities

the bar is the most important thing to me right now.

it is the portal through which new possibilities are awaiting me.

passing it may lead to a much-desired but never-before-obtainable career path.

it may bring me financial and job security.

it may allow me to be welcomed into the fold of that elite strata of society of that funky bunch of people known as attorneys.

it could change my life for the better -- or for the worse.

it is an all-encompassing goal that my life has been directed towards at for, like, ever now. it is the pivotal hurdle i have to leap over.

i should be concentrating on it to the exclusion of all else. nothing else should pass through my mind except visions of myself slowly, inexorably, yet with quietly assured confidence getting through the three-day examination and passing.

so then why am i letting myself get distracted from the task at hand?

why am i having such a hard time concentrating?

why have i spent the past two hours reading the same five pages of real property?

there are only two reasons, really, why i'm so distracted. . . . but they are two pretty big reasons:

1. because i can't stop thinking about someone i'm completely crazy about; and

2. because i need a cigarette again.

*sigh*

testing, testing . . . .

i am making a shy foray back onto blogger. it's been a good long month or so since my last post and my decision to temporarily/permanently stop blogging on here.

it was hard to stop. there were many things that happened, many ideas that occurred to me right after i put up that last post, things that i could not blog about except only as abbagirl. but i still could not bring myself to blog about them until or unless i discovered what the purpose of this blog should be.

i'm still in the midst of sorting it all out. . . .

in the meantime, with only one month until the bar exam, i only have one thing to say:

i need a fucking cigarette!!

;-P

i hate being a repeat bar exam taker so much. especially in my state, all the odds are stacked against you. traditionally, february bar exams have a pass rate that is about 10 to 15% less than the july exams -- and the pass rate is perhaps even half that for february repeat examinees.

it's hard not to have a heavy heart about these odds.

which is why i could use a damned cigarette right now. as of tomorrow, i will have gone 12 weeks without. that streak is currently in a tenuous state; i probably will not be able to hold out much longer. . . .

:-P

time to do a few practice essays. . . . hope everything is well with everyone!!

bar review still going strong

i slept too much this morning.

but i couldn't help it. i was having a wacky dream, the details of which i can't even remember at this point. in the dream, there were lots of people i know and lots of people i didn't know, and we were on some mission together because some other distrustful people had been messing with us. and so we were plotting together, a la mission: impossible, a retaliation.

it's one of those dreams where you hover in and out of consciousness and know you should get out of bed because it is starting to be late morning. but the dream keeps you interested and eager to see how the end plays out.

in the end, i missed out on the ending because my dog couldn't take it anymore and woke me up. she really had to go pee.

an update on bar review study: this week, we're doing mbe questions. one subject per day, and we have to have all our questions answered by the time we get to class, where we will then watch a video-tape of all the answers being reviewed -- kinda like pmbr. tonight's subject is con law and i am all set and ready to go, having sat down and done all the questions yesterday evening.

i got comments back on my timed multi-state essays yesterday. good lord. i got a lot of criticism. like, good god damn! and i don't mean that in a whiny way. i mean that in a good way. like, keep them coming!! i want to pass so bad. the more constructive feedback i can get, the better. i want it -- keep crackin' that whip and beating my ass!



i'm going to try to get away to the gym this afternoon before class starts. i didn't work out at all last week, what with trying to complete a few grad school apps and having to do all my homework for the bar review class. i'm at a place where i can finally breathe a bit more easily, though, and so a good gym session will be just the thing i need.

i was studying at starbuck's yesterday. there was a cute asian girl there studying criminal law. she is still a law student; she had her text book right there. at one point, she got up to take a smoke break outside. i looked after her a bit longingly but, at the same time, i tried to ignore her.

it's not that i crave a cigarette, per se . . . .

well, maybe i do. just a little.

but i also miss the reprieve that it always gave me and the psychological sense of comfort.

i miss it. i really do.

at the same time, i really don't want to smoke, either. i'm hoping that in quitting this time, i'm quitting for good.

well. unless i'm drinking with other smokers, i mean. then i can't guarantee anything.

i'm glad i stopped, though. it does make me feel like crap and makes it so much harder to breathe. i feel cleaner and healthier now. and all it took for me to quit was going on a complete smoking binge for 24 hours straight after finding out i failed the bar.

hmm. imagine that. :-P

and i think those years of smoking were starting to take a toll on my face. i feel like my face was beginning to lose its elasticity and that everything was starting to sag. i'm too young to lose my adorable asian babyface!

to the concerned reader

to the person who found my blog by typing in this phrase into google:

"does abba smoke now"

i'm not sure whether you are asking about me, personally -- as in abbagirl -- or if you were inquiring about the original members of that musical group abba.

since i don't think any member of abba smoked (bjorn was quite an avid runner, you know, and probably would've bitch-slapped the other members for smoking), then i think you must've been specifically wondering about my oral habits. thus, i can honestly tell you that the answer is "no." i haven't touched a cigarette for about four weeks now.

thanks for the concern.

give me strength

do not go buy cigarettes. do not smoke.

do not go buy cigarettes. do not smoke.

do not go buy cigarettes. do not smoke.

do not go buy cigarettes. do not smoke.

do not go buy cigarettes. do not smoke.

. . . . . .

actually, maybe it would be okay if i just got a pack of ultra-lights. . . .

right??

this is going to be a long, long fucking day.

non-smoking zone

i smoked my third and final cigarette this morning at 10:11 a.m.

it was hard, but i refrained from going across the street in front of my office to the ghetto cigarette shop to buy a new pack in desperation.

despite the cravings for a deep lungful of a good cigarette puff, i will hold strong and true and not buy another pack.

at least not until this sunday, when i get a 5k/10k race in s.f. out of the way. :-D

i am starting to feel better. to only have had three cigarettes today is quite good for me lately. unfortunately, i had stepped up consumption to a pack every three days, which is not good. i'm already seeing a difference in my running -- i was doing pretty good on the outdoor track near my house. i took yesterday off from running but will probably run every day from now until sunday so that i don't lose my groove or endurance.

i won't have my butt kicked by this race! even more importantly, i won't be the last one among my friends to cross the finish line. :)

that's the only reason why i'd give up the cigs for the remainder of the week: pride.

i love this song -- boston's "amanda." brad delp has a fantastic voice. the song makes me want to flick my lighter on and start waving it around.