it's a hard-knock life

ah, what a life.

it's so hard being unemployed!

the employed don't understand that.

it's such a dilemma trying to decide when to wake up and get out of bed; when to eat meals; whether to hit the gym when the sun is up or when the sun is down; and which video game, exactly, i'd like to play for the day.

for the record, the decision today was to play ultimate alliance. :)

using the fantastic 4:

it's seriously major fun! and quite addictive. i like using mr. fantastic because he's all rubbery, and when he punches bad guys using his stretchy arms, it looks like he's giving them pathetic little bitch slaps.

:-D

i've been so lazy about doing my next batch of applications. theoretically, it is a no-brainer to do them. you just need to fill out a standard application, which is about four or five pages long; get your curiculum vitae ready; and update and "personalize" your cover letter. and i do pretty much have everything done; i just need to collate them and stick 'em into the envelopes.

but i am so lethargic, it's not even funny.

obviously, this unemployment thing is a mixed bag. the good thing about it is that my time is mine and i can do whatever i want whenever i want for however long i want. i can take my time in recuperating from the bar and getting all my personal affairs into order.

the bad part is that, well, i feel like i'm wasting time and am not being productive. and of course, there's the money thing.

and i'm also kinda worried about my 'tude about the bar right now. i feel so . . . detached from it, like it didn't even happen.

it's not that i'm not worried. i am worried. i don't want to know how other people wrote their answers; if i do, i will likely freak (as i did the other day). and i don't want to take it again, either. in fact, i will be devastated if i find out i failed again.

but at the same time, i have completely stopped worrying about it. my mindset has gone almost completely back to normal. i rarely think about it at all.

and it just makes me wonder if karma will come and kick me in the butt because of this. like, i'm sure i'll be punished for being so blase and that my punishment will come in the form of not finding my name on the pass list on may 16th.

i just know it!

at the same time, i am waving a middle finger. screw it!

i think the reason why i feel so nonchalant right now is because i think i'm totally burnt out on the failure thing. i'm done with the whole self-deprecating "why me?!" internal yelling. i'm over it! i'm ready to move on!

i've mentioned that this time around, i feel that passing the california bar exam is within my reach. it is attainable. the only issue is when. when will i pass?

because of that reassuring realization, the whole mysterious aura of the bar, its unattainability, is gone. before, i wanted to pass, and i didn't know how to get there. now, the mystery is over, and the veil of unattainability has been pierced. the exam is just so transparent to me right now, and i refuse to let my life remain on hold because of it.

it has also helped that i have been envisioning for myself alternative plans in case the attorney thing never panned out. one thing i've always tended to do is just "let" things unfold. i'd undertake a series of random, tentative acts, and the road i'd choose to follow would depend on what paths opened up as a result of those random, tentative acts.

that's how i inexplicably ended up in utah. that's how i ended up going to law school instead of grad school. that's how i ended up getting the most random-assed jobs that anyone would've thought possible.

and i still do this to a certain extent. it is just . . . natural, given my character and personality, and also because it's just kinda fun to be able to open oneself up to random choices and have all sorts of fun paths to choose from. and i'm actually continuing to do this right now, to a certain extent, as i wait for a state job to come my way and for grad school letters to start flooding in.

but the important thing is to not let myself get all boxed in and feeling like i've got no choice.

there is always a choice to make. and most importantly, we are all agents of change. we're the only ones who have the power to make ourselves happy. and what i choose is to not dwell on the bar exam and to let it be the bane of my existence and happiness.

i choose to enjoy life.

in the meantime, i'll continue to take advantage of this time off while i still have it. tomorrow, i'll finish sending off more applications (i still have about 20 to do). and after i do some running . . . i think i'll play me some kingdom hearts.

really. it's soooo hard being unemployed.

getting back to normal

*sigh of relief*

finally. got another call for an interview today. it's set for next monday.

i was seriously worried about the long silence that occurred between the time i started sending out job apps starting at the beginning of february until now. like, i was seriously ready to start prostituting myself out just to be able to put some food on the table!

so luckily i got this call. :)

the agency that called me appears to be in dire need of hiring someone. the thing is that the position it's seeking to fill is a limited-term one, and the incumbent will techically only be in the position for a few months. but when the position becomes approved, it'll formally become a permanent position, and the incumbent may be offered the permanent spot.

frankly, i don't care whether a position is permanent or temporary at this point. yo necessito dinero ahora!

and it sounds like a job offer will be made the same day the interview is. based on my conversation with the lady who set me up with the interview, monday morning is generally booked full of interviews, but as of today, the afternoon was wide open. so at least for now, it doesn't sound like the agency has a lot of candidates. . . . but of course, the week is still young.

i banged my shin earlier this evening. hurts like the devil! and yet as someone who has ignored most bodily discomforts for the sake of hard-core studying these past couple of months, i kinda do welcome the pain.

it's the little things, like that, that help you remember that you're human and that there are more important than some lame test.

i'm also a bit sore from running for the first time in over a month and from doing crunches. i started hitting the gym yesterday, and already i'm feeling so much better. plus, it's been fairly warm outside lately, and it's been so great to feel the sun's rays on me. i feel like i haven't seen the sun in forever. in fact, i feel like a brand new year only just started yesterday and that i now, at last, have a fresh, blank new slate before me.

yesterday was also the day i started initiating contact with real live people, other than my mom and sisters. :-P i'm on the same page as measuring life when it comes to this: it's just so hard fielding questions from others about how It went. but i know that most of the peeps in my life only ask out of concern, so i have to consciously try to be cool about it for their sake, instead of letting my reactionary, defensive emotions get the best of me. and so far, it's been cool.

but seriously, what a humbling year 2007 was for me. i'm pretty determined to not let this year be a repeat of all that crap. in fact, i've been doing some thinking, and it seems to be a fairly reasonable step for me to hold off on-retaking the bar exam, assuming i fail it again, and also hold off on graduate school for another year while i get my financial situation a little more stable again. that way, i can start being a care-free, fun-loving, productive member of society again.

i'm just so eager to start living again. and i feel that i haven't been able to do so for exactly one year now because i've had to study for and take two consecutive bar exams. working for at least this next year or so would give me the means for enjoying life once more. i'd be able to afford to travel to see all my friends, go shopping, imbibe without guilt, and all the other good stuff that i haven't been able to do this past year and that i've really missed out on.

but this isn't a decision that's set in stone quite yet. i'm still thinking about things. . . . the only thing that would probably change this course of thinking is if i actually got into one of my top three or four choices for graduate school. and then hell yeah, i'd be more than happy to drop everything and be ready to go at the start of fall semester. :)

oh, speaking of: you guys are first to know that i got my first rejection notice from one of the grad programs i applied to. uh-huh. i actually got my rejection notice via e-mail at least a couple of weeks ago . . . . but haven't told a soul about it. it would make me feel like i was confessing -- even though i have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. one of my best friends was rooting for me to get into that program that i got rejected from. i totally had a chance to tell her last night about it -- but didn't. and i still feel guilty about not telling her yet . . . but i'm just not ready to go there.

i'm weird like that. i can be hot-tempered and reactionary and go off the cuff when my emotions are provoked.

but there are certain things that i have to mull over before i can take action.

anyhow, i'm glad i can start worrying about other important matters other than the damned bar exam! it's like breaking up after a really bad relationship; you're in the relationship in order to make it work -- but when you're finally free of the relationship, you can understand how much better off you are without it.

that's how i feel about the bar. :)

now i'm going to try to stop worrying about it -- until may 16th, anyway.

:-P

;)

i need a drink -- on the double!!

arrgh!! my eyes!!

i have just seen that which should have remained unseen! a post from another bar examinee about the actual answers he wrote for each of the bar essays!!

damn it! i was hoping to remain oblivious as to what other people actually wrote!

oh, the agony! my brain has now been singed with self-doubt before i've even had a full week to recuperate! not that i didn't put similar stuff into my essay, but there is at least one thing that particular blogger mentioned writing that i didn't write about. . . .

which gets me wondering . . . .

what if i didn't organize my essay well enough? what if i got some issues, but didn't get the most glaringly important ones? what if i didn't do enough analysis? what if i put in too many facts? what if i totally screwed up the mbes beyond belief? what if . . .

. . . i fail again?!




i need a drink! a.s.a.p.!

memorable people and moments from bar exam 2008, pt. 1

1. freckly, mousy girl

on the first day of the bar exam, i found myself seated in the third-to-last row in the middle section of the examination room, a high-ceilinged, drafty warehouse that presumably used to house a bunch of farming equipment. indeed, right next to the warehouse outside was an old, seemingly unused corral surrounded by a metal fence and a series of stables along one side.

i arrived at my assigned seat almost at the same time as my table partner did, a small, rather mousy girl with brown frizzy hair pulled back into a tight pony tail. she had thick eyebrows and rather harsh-looking freckles. her seat was to the right of me. being a cold-hearted bitch, i only gave her a short nod as i set my stuff up (i'm not a morning person), and i walked around all the way around the table so that i could plug my laptop in. "do you want me to plug yours in?" i asked politely. i kinda expected her to say, "yes, thanks," and hand me her plug.

but she said, "no, thanks" curtly.

and that settled it: we were going to be merely polite, and not overly chatty, table buddies.

that's kinda how i like it. :)

during the exam that day, i turned out to be a rather terrible table buddy for her. during the morning session, i went off to take a bathroom break, and when i came back to my seat, i tripped on the table leg and found myself falling hard against the table. the mousy girl didn't look up, but her face hardened just a bit, and she lowered her head in subtle show of consternation. and then as i righted myself, i fell into my chair with a hard thud, and the table moved about two inches forward with a loud screech.

uh . . . heh heh. . . ! whoops.

the girl kept right on typing.

that was my only mishap -- during the first writing session, at least.

after the lunch-break, i feared i'd have a million more bumblings like that, so i asked one of the proctors if i could change seats, starting the following day. because the whole back row of my section was practically empty, except for this one lone guy, the proctor said it would be no big deal. she even said i could move right away if i wanted. but i demurred because i didn't want to lug all my crap over.

i came to regret that decision.

for the exam, i make sure to bring a gazillion starlight mints in my ziplock bag. before each session, i tend to unwrap about five of them and leave them sitting around so that when i need 'em, i can just pop 'em in my mouth with having to mess around with the wrappers.

well, before the mpt session, i made sure to do that, and i put the starlight mints next to my computer to my right. during the course of the mpt session, i ended up having a bunch of papers spread out in front of me; i tend to like to tear pages out of the books and keep them in separate piles spread all out in front of me. well, some of the pages ended up landing on top of my unwrapped starlight mints, and during one particular moment, i grabbed up a pile of my papers in my hand with a flourish (i was just so excited and earnest, you know), and the starlight mints went flying towards mousy girl. and one starlight mint in particular began rolling slowly towards her until it disappeared behind her laptop. the girl was pissed, her eyebrows all knitted into a fierce glare. but she continued to concentrate in earnest on typing as if nothing was amiss.

a proctor happened to be walking along the front of our table as this went on. "uh, did you want that?" she asked in a whisper, gesturing to the mint that had rolled behind the girl's laptop.

"um, no," i whispered back hesitantly. "i mean -- uh, no, that's okay."

then mousy girl impatiently brought her hand to the back of her laptop to where the mint was and slid it over to me.

i started laughing at that point to myself, to the point where my shoulders were shaking.

only i am that much of a klutzy dunce.

2. white gauze girl

the next day, i set myself up at my new spot in the last row. i had a whole table to myself. mousy girl was surprised to see me set up back there and not next to her, but i don't think she had any complaints.

i like the back row. you can see everyone all around you and get a more panoramic view of the room. and i just like having that much more space to spread my things and get comfortable.

there was a cute blond girl sitting right in front of me. she looked to be younger than me. her hair was almost a white color. she wore an oversized tee shirt each day of the exam as well as track pants, and she had a brown scarf. i was surprised that she didn't bring a sweater or jacket; the morning sessions were fucking cold! i was glad i ended up wearing four layers -- a long-sleeved tee under a tee, a hoodie, and then a light jacket, plus a scarf -- that first day. it was fuh-reezing!

something that was quite odd about her, though, was the fact that she had white gauze wrapped around both of her arms. i chatted briefly with her a couple of times but never quite was able to bring myself to ask what was up with the gauze.

seeing her arms wrapped up like that reminded me of that one episode of grey's anatomy that aired either during the first or second season. in that episode, there was a woman who had come to the hospital after suffering major burns on both of her hands. turns out the woman is a repeat bar examinee. the doctors want to do what they can to help her recover in time to take the bar exam, but the woman keeps trying to prevent them from doing so. finally, after being pressured by merideth, the woman has a break-down and confesses: she purposely scalded her hands so that she doesn't have to take the exam again. merideth then recommends that the woman get psychiatric help.

was i the only one affected by that episode? i thought it was a fantastic episode, and i empathize with it quite a bit.

but that's what i thought of every time i looked at white gauze girl.

bar exam recovery mode

what a whirlwind this past week has been.

i'm still in massive recovery mode.

i started having panic attacks the 36 hours or so before day 1 of the bar exam. i was fuh-reaking! i totally didn't feel ready and i wasn't remembering crap at all and my innards were a sloshing, queasy mess. i sat around with my outlines and muttered a lot in those last hours, and even when i was roaming around doing household chores or the laundry, i continued to mutter to myself like a crazy schizo bag lady.

if i pass, it will be because of this thing, my savior:

this book is what i turned to during the last two-and-a-half weeks before the bar. i pushed the flash cards aside, i threw my self-generated and bar/bri outlines out the window, and this book became my sole companion. it is absolutely amazing. it costs about $ 65 and was written by one of the bar exam lecturers of my bar review course.

the thing is, this book was written mostly for the california bar exam, but i still think it would be an excellent source for any other state bar exam as well. the california distinctions are made clear in the book, and at the very least, you get an idea of how to format each of your essays for each of the 14 subjects you may encounter on the exam. i did my best to follow the format of the book to the letter.

so DUDE. how about that bar exam, huh?

i've been burned before -- so that's why i'm not going to even offer predictions as to how i did, how i think i did, whether the exam was hard or whether it was easy.

i'll only say that i am so very completely, unequivocally drained.

what an intense few days.

i started thinking, right after day 1 was finished, "this is it?!"

really, you work your ass off and study your heart out for a good long period of time -- and i totally went all out this time -- but all that time and energy you invest can easily become a cloud of dust and mean jack shit the day the results come out and you find out you're not on the pass list.

if anything, what i took out of the experience of this past week was this:

this can be done.

the exam is so do-able. and that's easy to forget after you've failed and during the long time you spend waiting around and studying for the next exam. but seriously, the exam questions are straight-forward. the challenges for us, as examinees, is just to budget time and present a coherent, organized answer.

but it can be done. that's the important thing i have to remember, especially if i fail again. that's how i felt after emerging from each session: it is within my power to pass. all those statistical break-downs of who passes and who doesn't pass really doesn't mean jack or have any bearing on my ability to conquer the bar exam.

anyhow, i was really surprised that we got two professional responsibility questions. two!

not that i'm complaining. i guess.

here are the subjects we got tested on:

day 1:

• torts
• professional responsibility
• criminal law & criminal procedure

day 3:

• wills & trusts
• community property (no moore calculations! yay! *wild, raucous cheering*)
  
• corporations/business organizations & professional responsibility
  

i nearly got screwed on day 3.

i hadn't paid attention to the precise time that the exam began. so about an hour into it, i stopped the proctor to ask in a whisper what time the exam had started. "about 8:50," she whispered back.

turns out the exam had actually started at 8:40. and i didn't find this out until the last hour was called. and i freaked and began hauling ass because i was still not even close to being done with the CP question. ugh! i tell you, that 10 minutes makes an absolute difference. i finally got to the corporations/prof. resp. question when there was about 45 minutes left in the exam, and so i didn't get to fully address the second part of the question that asked about the prof. resp. issues. i did raise 3 prof. resp. issues, and i didn't get to do the 2nd or 3rd issues any justice. . . .

damn you, proctor!!

but i guess i can't fault her too much. i should've paid attention. i knew i was spending too much time on that first question! plus she's new to proctoring.

but still! i got screwed out of 10 minutes!

day 2 was hard. those were the most fucked up multiple-choice questions i've ever seen! is it just me??

there were so many questions in which i could barely eliminate even one answer choice. like, wtf?!

the morning session was hardest. at the lunch-break, i had to really fight against feeling disheartened. but the afternoon session was fine. i think i was able to answer at least the first 10 questions pretty confidently.

but seriously, i'll be surprised if i end up breaking 100 on the damned mbes. they were hard. i did about 950 practice mbe questions in total to prepare, and i don't think that did me any good. my bar review class used questions from reed's bar prep -- and the difficulty level in reed's practice questions, compared with the actual mbe questions on the bar -- well, there really is no comparison whatsoever.

one thing i noticed during the bar is that there are two breeds of people: those who love talking about their answers right after we finish a session and those who don't. i'm of the second category; i don't want to hear or talk about a thing! but the ones in the first category far outweigh those in the second.

so i'm really glad that i didn't know anyone at the bar exam. i would hate having to hear about the exam and talking about it because that would really just freak me out even more. instead, i made sure to put in my ear buds as soon as we were released after each session and start blasting music, 'cause really, people began chattering excitedly about everything. "what did you write for the second question?" "oh, my god -- i think i bombed it!" "i didn't think they'd give us professional responsibility twice!" "so that question was obviously about attractive nuisance, huh?!"

like, shut the hell up!!

and okay, it is not completely true that i didn't know anyone there. i did recognize a couple of guys from the july bar exam. plus, i saw a couple of girls i went to high school with -- yes, high school!

at first, i was relieved to see that they didn't recognize me. one is an indian girl who, i'm pretty sure, rode my bus. the other one was this one cheerleader who was pretty popular. she has brown hair, light eyes, and was really skinny in high school. i think i'd even call her pretty.

i didn't like her then. and i don't like her now -- i see the same pompous air about her that she had back then.

so i took great pleasure in the fact that she's packed on the pounds over the years -- and from the back she has an unmistakable pear shape. like, she's really let herself go!

*evil cackle*

okay, so i'm petty. but really, i need to get my kicks any way i can! i'm poor, i'm unemployed, and i'm a bitter azngrrl. if i want to be judgmental and cackle smugly at other people's imperfections, by george, let me! i get so little pleasure out of anything else lately!

;)

but even though they didn't recognize me at first, they did start giving me curious looks by days 2 and 3. i do look a bit more different than i did in high school, i.e., not a nerdy mess. :-D so it's understandable if they weren't really sure whether they knew me or not.

as for the mpts. . . . all i can say is that there was a lot of crap going on in those mpts. those are the kinds of questions that you just can't fully answer within three hours. i thought day 1's mpt was a little more straight-forward and less messy to deal with. that one was a statute of limitations question and so there were a lot of dates being thrown around. the second mpt was regarding a preliminary injunction. there are four elements to obtaining a PI, and there were only two cases that were provided -- but damn me, if there weren't so many sub-elements to deal with! i almost got confused. but the key with these mpts is just organization. first, read the assignment/call of the question and find out what exactly what your assignment is going to be. letter? memo? persuasive arguments or objective analysis?

and then what i tend to do next just depends on what the call of the question is. but lately, what i like to do is, after reading the assignment, i go straight to the Library and look at the applicable laws that will govern my answer, then read through the cases to get the holdings. i swear, it makes it that much easier to answer an mpt if you just pass through all the facts contained in the File. you can get really swamped with all the bullshit facts that are thrown into the File and easily lose track of what the question wants you to answer. so sometimes, not always, it's just easier to go straight to the law, get what you need, then review the facts to pull out random crap to support your arguments. i used this method when doing the PI mpt. but i didn't use it when doing the statute of limitations one. either way, i was able to start taking notes quickly and not use up the 90 minutes that are recommended for doing essay organization. . . .

anyhow . . . . and that's that. :-P

i'm still whupped today. i tried to go to bed early after getting home yesterday, but then i got a call from a friend of mine: "hey, congratulations! wanna get a beer?" so i did. got home at midnight, tired as hell. went to bed. then at 1 a.m. began freaking out because i remembered that although i had uploaded my essays through examsoft earlier in the evening, i hadn't received an e-mail confirmation from them. i checked my examsoft account online to verify that they did get uploaded, and everything does seem hunky-dory. but i still haven't received my e-mail confirmations as to day 3's essays. so i still can't help but be worried. . . .

still, if i get any shit about it, i at least printed out my download/upload history from examsoft and will be able to prove that i did send everything in.

i finally went to bed at around 2:30 a.m. and slept on and off for . . . a good, long period of time. :)

now, it's time for me to worry about jobs. just last week, i wasn't too concerned about the possibility that i won't be able to pay my bills anymore. but today i started freaking out a little (if it's not one thing, it's another, huh? :-P). i may have to start lowering my standards and start considering jobs that i would rather not consider under normal circumstances . . . . and i also need to start looking out of state, too. . . .

lordy.

this is supposed to be my good luck year, too!! "good luck" my butt!

in any case, i guess i ought to just give myself the weekend to relax, unwind, and not think about that shit. i can start worrying about that and planning my life for the remainder of the year starting monday . . . . and i plan to hit the gym monday too. i'm a lard ass! i have a gut. i look like i'm well into my first trimester of pregnancy. this weight's gotta come off!!

i guess there's plenty of time left for me to make sure this year remains my good luck year.

in the meantime, i just wanna say congratulations to all my blogger bar buddies!! you got through the bar exam! we gave it our all, and now we just gotta play the waiting game. i've got confidence in you guys!! here's hoping everything goes our way this year!

bar exam day checklist

it's almost 6 a.m.

i got 3 really bad hours of sleep. i was too tense to relax, i tossed fitfully, and i mentally yelled at myself for not being ready.

my mom's giving me a ride to the exam site and back these next three days. she's awesome.

so let's see if i've got everything ready. . . .

cup of coffee? in hand -- check.

home-made lunch, complete with pastrami on white with extra mustard, white tortilla chips, strawberry jelly cup, and miniature can of mountain dew? check.

zune music player with the battery charged up? check.

ear plugs and advil? check, check.

starlight mints? check.

number two pencils, colored pencils, and black and blue pens? check.

laptop in sleeve and all the accoutrement? check.

the lemon test, rule 10b-5, the wharton rule, covenants vs. equitable servitudes, 14th amendment equal protection, m'naugten rule, and the doctrine of cy pres? check, check, check, pseudo-check, check, check . . . .

arrgh!!

major mental break down? check.

yo so una dumb ass? check.

majorly fucked? uh-huh. check. . . .

good luck!

i'm disappearing now -- as i should've long ago. :) it's time to get down and dirty in these last remaining days, and i'm cutting myself off from the internet as of now.

i'm centered, i'm calm . . . .

i'm ready to do this.

best of luck to everyone else taking the exam with me next week! we can do this!! you guys will all be in my thoughts, and i'll be sending you good vibes every day from now until we get the results back that we passed! :)

in the meantime, make sure you get a good night's sleep monday night and eat a healthy breakfast tuesday morning! i plan on turning on the rice cooker at 5 a.m. tuesday morning and will eat a light breakfast of rice and pork. that's my comfort food -- and i want to be sure to get the first day going right on my terms. :)

*muah!* love you all! i'll see you guys on the other side, by about this time next week -- and i can't wait to hear your thoughts on how things went. ;)

let's get it done!!

losing it: bar exam, enemy no. 1

sometimes i think i'm fine.

other times, it hits me that i'm not.

i'm still struggling to do something that i have not mastered after all this time, and it's a theme i have returned to now and then on this blog -- which is trying not to personalize this exam and this whole becoming-a-real-attorney thing so much that i come to associate it with my own sense of self-worth.

this is why i miss my shrink. i think my shrink would be of good use to me right about now. he'd already know what i was going to say before i even said it, but he'd listen to me anyway just to humor me, and then tell me to read that one chapter in his book that address the particular issue.

now, usually, people who refer to their own books as the ultimate source for solutions are pompous. my shrink was no exception -- i thought he was pompous when he did that.

but his book is really fantastic. you can find it here on amazon.

i really don't know what to say. all i can say is that i don't want to fail again. i really don't want to.

i am smart enough to know, on an intellectual level, that this exam is not everything. it's not the whole world. and i know i have pretty adequate skill-sets that will help me earn a good living in any other field i choose.

and yet, irrational as it may seem, this exam is my whole world. if i fail again, then i'll take the motherfucker again. but while i do so, the rest of my life remains on hold; everything gets put away and shelved -- my friends, family, work, reading, writing, running, drinking, all the things i enjoy. and it sucks. i'm frustrated as hell by it all.

i should know this exam is not me. it is not the sum of my self-worth. the scoring of the essays is hit or miss. graders take less than 2 minutes to read through each essay. they don't care what you write about or how you write. they just cursorily skim through your writing, make marks where you mention certain issues, then total up the score. they're paid $ 3 for every essay they read -- hence the fact that they speed through the "reading" of as many essays as they can. this is what we're all up against, as bar examinees. but california is the worst of all the states. this state has one of the worst bar passage rates in the nation because of the presence of the non-aba accredited schools in the state.

the california state bar must love these non-accredited schools. folks from non-aba schools far out-number folks like me, who come from out-of-state aba-accredited schools. i've seen the pass rate for schools like mcgeorge, stanford, uc berkeley, and i've seen the stats for those from the non-accredited schools, like humphreys, university of northern california, etc. there is just no comparison; the non-accredited folks have a really crummy pass rate.

can you imagine the amount of money that comes pouring in from thousands of applicants each year, many of them repeaters like myself? the thing is, california likes keeping the pass rate low. i pay over $ 800 not just to take the exam but to take it on a laptop. i'm just one of tens of thousands of people who continually fork over the dough every six months to keep the coffers of the california state bar association full. there is one lady in my bar review class who's been taking that same bar review course for the past ten years. how do i know? because her picture is hung on the wall in the classroom and dated february 1998.

i don't want to think about how much money she's spent on taking and re-taking the bar the past ten years.

the lecturers in my bar review class keep telling us to take heart and not be daunted by the low pass rates, especially for february. "there are over 200,000 attorneys currently licensed in the state of california," they say. "do you know how many of those 200,000 are dumb asses? you guys" -- pointing to us in the room -- "are a hundred times smarter than them, and you deserve to be counted in that number as much as those dumb asses."

but those dumb ass attorneys are not the enemy; the california state bar exam is.

it get me mad when i think about it. there is no uniform or systematic way of grading the essays. the graders are compensated for the number of essays they grade, and not for the quality or consistently of the grading. who gets fucked? me, you, any repeater.

and i'm not saying i deserved to pass. i fucked up that second MPT in july and miscued. i totally deserve to be sitting here all bummed out and driven crazy with stress and freaking out.

but even as i go through the motions yet again, i do not have hope. and i don't say that in a bitch-and-whine way. i say that in a resigned kind of way.

there is just no experience like this one. i was just thinking that the other night as i lay in bed at about 2 o' clock in the morning and no longer able to keep my eyes open to read another page of yet another black letter law outline. law school and bar review study are the most draining experiences ever. i entered law school as an optimistic over-achiever who had been lauded and loved by all the teachers and professors i'd ever had. and law school was the first time i realized that hard work, determination, and desire didn't really necessarily mean that you could achieve your goals after all. my low point was receiving those first semester grades as a 1L. it shattered me. but it was a good lesson in learning how to not set any more high expectations for myself. and i know i'm not the only one to have felt that way.

it's kinda the same with studying for the bar. it is a do-or-die situation. it's not like the masters examination where you come in armed with the five or six books that you're supposed to have read and sit down to answer a couple of open-ended questions in a timed situation. with the masters exam, there is plenty of wiggle-room; implicitly, you're encouraged to be creative in your response, with the only caveat being that you cite to the text to support your answer and try to remain true to the text.

seriously, i'd rather do a masters exam in english lit every day for the rest of my life than do the bar.

with the bar -- at least the california one -- you just better know shit. and not only know it, but organize it. underline, embolden the key words and issues so that they stand out and so that the precious grader doesn't actually have to read your words but can just make a tick mark on your essay to acknowledge that you thought about it. can't be too wordy because, again, you don't want to waste precious grader's time. but be concise and every time you address a new issue, always use these: "under," "here," "therefore."

issue, rule, conclusion; issue, rule, conclusion; issue, rule, conclusion. . . .

isn't that fucked? it makes me laugh but in a humorless way. the bar exam is not about what you know. it's about how you take the damned test.

i sound bitter, i know. and i'm really sorry for that. but i can't help it. i hate this thing, i really do. and this comes from a girl who is often reluctant to use the word "hate." i like to think i'm open-minded enough to not feel such strong feelings towards any one thing (well, except for bad drivers, animal abusers, wife-beaters, most neo-cons, and oh, this one relative of mine who's a really mean, crass, judgmental bitch). but this bar exam is really pushing it for me -- and so the word fits.

*weary sigh*

i'm off to bed to sleep this off.

oh, but i do have good news which is one of the foremost highlights of the past week: i followed up with that agency i interviewed with last week. the reason i haven't heard back from them is because they're still in the process of interviewing. so i'm to check back with them next week to see what's up.

i really would be surprised if i didn't get it. the timed writing i did was kick-ass for a twenty-minute job. i even added a title and divided the answer into sections flowing in a logical, coherent order.

my sister recommends just continuing to send out applications. she didn't blink an eye when i said i've already sent out 19, which i thought was already a lot, and she pretty much told me i need to do more until i get at least a few more calls. so i'm going to try to send out another 20 by friday (imagine me passing a hand over my weary eyes). i'll give it until mid-march to see if i have any prospects in or around town. i'd consider doing some clerking if not for the fact that it just pays so much less . . . . if nothing pops up, it may be my cue to leave town or even the state.

ugh. i need to go check to see if i have begun to sprout any white hairs on my head. i will try to hang on to my sanity at least until the end of next thursday.

but thereafter, abbagirl will need to go on vacation and get a mental break. she needs to reclaim her mojo, be able to unwind by downing one cosmopolitan after another, and remember how to be the dancing queen she used to be.

weekend: survived

i am in a giddy giggling mood -- but the kind of giggling that is humorless, empty, and perhaps even on the verge of hysterical. it is from being pooped and feeling so strung out, i think.

i haven't had a weekend this bad since that one time i went to a bachelorette party, got completely drunk off my ass, got down and dirty with the male stripper, got naked with the other girls as we danced together in a mad-happy drunken orgy (to this day, i still don't know how my bra came off of me . . . ), ended up hugging the toilet for the remainder of the night, then feebly tried to drive home 40 miles through a snow blizzard in my little little car with the manual transmission still pissed drunk.

no, no, the party was not the bad part of the weekend -- recovering the next 36 hours was. ;)

ha! wow. just remembering that fantastic party has lifted my mood tremendously.

anyhow, these past three days were absolute hell. i feebly tried to pick up an outline when i got home but instead found myself nodding off. and so i napped -- but am still a bit muggy-minded.

we did a practice run of the entire three days of the bar exam, finishing day 3 today, and even though i was half-hearted through it all (instead of concentrating on the essays, for example, i spent most of the exam time trying to connect my laptop to the internet -- mostly to no avail), i'm glad i forced myself to just go and do it. first day of essays sucked, the second day of mbes was so-so, and today, the third day, was actually better.

i say the mbes were just so-so because although i got a raw score of 138, i had already seen a good chunk of those questions before in prior practice questions i'd done for homework before. so i was mostly all, "wtf?" for the entire 4 hours i did the multiple choice questions. like, i kinda feel cheated. here i am, having done most of my mbe homework for the past couple of months, only to have our 3-day simulation be a repeat of the very same questions i'd done before?

i've been cheated, i tell you! for the past couple of weeks, i have been thinking that this bar review class is a rip-off, and this only confirms it. i want my money back!!

and no, that's no joke or typo above; i only spent 4 hours on my mbes yesterday, not the full 6. and that's normal; it takes me 2 hours to do 100 questions.

it freaks people out. they think i skip questions, that i'm not reading, that i'm giving up, or that i'm a whiz.

it's none of the above, actually. i'm just a fast reader.

i've tried to slow down when doing the practice mbes on my own. and i thought i was taking it easy and slow when i did the simulated exam yesterday. but then, after every fifty questions i did, i'd look at the clock, expecting a full hour to have gone by ('cause trust me, it sure feels like it), only to see that maybe 30-35 minutes have lapsed.

but at this point, i cannot change too much about what i do. i will still be conscientious and try to be careful in answering each question. but if my pace is comfortable, and it is, then i'll stick with doing them as i'm used to doing them.

plus, it's kinda fun to psych people out when they think you're a whiz -- even if nothing could be further than the truth.

i just like fucking with people's minds. :)

today's essays were MUCH better. i did a better job of outlining my answers, and the MPT question was actually more simple than friday's: two tasks to deal with (draft persuasive facts and arguments for appellate brief to the almighty "columbia court of appeals") instead of four.

but overall, i'm still massively weak. i really need to bone up on certain topics. i still need to memorize my intro paragraphs that are necessary to certain topics, like with community property or con law issues, and there are lots of sub-areas within subjects that are weaker than others -- covenants, cy pres doctrine, and other weird little random shit like that. like, i know what they are! but it's just a different story for me when i try to write out my analysis. . . .

that's why the main goal for me is to do more practice essays this week. it's just like driving: you can read the driver's manual all you want, but if you really want to learn how to drive, you have to put the pedal to the metal. and this is the part i'm always just so lazy about. it's hard to be motivated when it comes to doing these things.

but if the fact that there's only ONE WEEK LEFT doesn't scare me enough into doing it, then i've got no business trying to do this thing.

ugh. time to go find the bed. if anything, i can be glad of one thing: i survived this practice run. and now i need to make sure i'm ready for the real one.

a PT-ish kind of day

by that, i mean, Pretty Tiring. i pretty much just got up from a five-hour nap. if a five-hour snooze fest can be considered a nap.

it was also Public Transportation day. i took the the train downtown again to avoid paying for parking. it was a nice mellow ride.

we had a Practice Test run at the bar review class today. today was a simulation for day 1: 6 hours of essay-writing.

i had a Performance Test melt-down. had absolutely no idea how to answer the practice MPT question at all. i mean, i thought i did until i re-read the prompt about 90 minutes into it and realized i'd miscued. damn it. it was a question that was actually used on the july 2001 california bar exam. so in other words, i would've failed the summer 2001 bar exam, too. but overall, i'm glad i did it -- because i know that i just need confidence in my ability to pull out the rule from my ass even if i don't know the exact rule verbatim and also because i now know where my weak areas still are (covenants!!!). but the other girl who's usually my partner in crime called in to say she was sick -- and she has missed a lot of classes -- so not sure how dedicated she is to passing, which makes me worried for her sake . . . .

Poultry-Tending day. just kidding -- my hens are not poultry. i just Pilfer Their eggs. and they were Pretty Ticked that i hadn't come out to see them for a while. oh, and i also came across a mouse in the food bin; i've no idea how it got into a sealed bin that is four feet off the ground with completely unclimbable sides. and when it jumped out at me, i Panicked The hell out and screamed like, well, a girl.

but the main reason why today is a PT-ish kind of day: i will be Perpetually Thankful to the anonymous commenter who took the time to craft that excellent explanation of the moore approach to my post from the other day. i've read through anonymous' explanation six times now, and it is amazing how clearly i understand it. it is really the best explanation i've ever seen.

thank you so much, anonymous. you've totally made my day. and i've got no words for how grateful i am.

:)

a bullet-point kind of day

• i'm an azn airhead. arrrgh!!!
  
  i'm having the damnedest time memorizing these stinkin' rules! no wonder i'm a repeater.
  
  #@?&^%$!!!
  

• i actually went to real estate class tonight. this class is one of three that you're required to take in order to take your real estate licensing test. i'm taking it through a local j.c., and the class seems like a total breeze so far. it's taught by a guy who used to be an attorney but stopped practicing because he hated the job. so now he's doing real estate -- and teaching on the side.
  
  i'm glad i went to class -- tonight's topic was on (whaddya know?) california community property and forms of ownership. the lecture didn't go into as much depth as, say, the bar exam requires, but it was still a good overview, and i'm pseudo-glad i went.
  
  i may miss next week's class, though. and then the first exam (100 points) will be the week after, on day 3 of the exam. even though it is possible for me to zip over to class right after the bar exam that day, since it is an evening class, the prof says he's totally willing to work with me because he doesn't think i'd be in any condition to take his exam. that's a huge load off my mind.
  
  for the record, i didn't tell him i had a bar exam coming up. i had my cover blown by someone with whom i'm taking the class -- and so before i knew it, the whole class knew why i didn't go to class last week without me saying a single word. but if nothing had been said, i certainly would have put out the effort to take the test that day. now that i don't have to, well, i won't. :-D
  

• i've been wondering: will i be able to make it through all three days of the bar exam without the familiar, comforting weight of my dog curled up and snoring on my lap? i really don't think i can. i've gotten so used to her; i know i'll feel bereft.

• because of my state of azn airheadedness, i have added ginseng pills to my daily diet to help improve my memory. i'll let you know if i grow any new brain cells as a result. oh, and i also got myself a bottle of caffeine pills.
  
  who knows. they may come in handy.

• what's up with this jason kidd nonsense? if it wasn't bad enough that he's a wife beater, he's also a whiner!
  
  apparently, new jersey and dallas were on the verge of completing a trade -- jason kidd and malik allen going to the mavericks in exchange for devin harris, jerry stackhouse, desagana diop, maurice ager, and devean george. and the only reason the trade fell through was because george exercised an option in his contract that pretty much allows him to veto any trade that he's involved in.
  
  pretty smart, whoever george's agent is.
  
  i feel for kidd. he's a championship-caliber guy, and i know he's itching to be on a contending team.
  
  but do you have to whine?
  
  some great players who never won a championship but never whined about it include patrick ewing, karl malone, john stockton, dominique wilkins, the great sir charles barkley. seriously, mr. kidd, i know you're on a sucky ass team despite playing alongside vince carter and richard jefferson, but have some dignity, for pete's sake.

• i have a three-day simulated bar exam, starting tomorrow morning, at my bar review class. conditions will be exactly like the bar. tomorrow will be essays, saturday will be multiple choice, and then sunday will be essays again.
  
  dammit. i seriously am not ready. i'm screwed! and then when it's all said and done, and our practice exams have been scored, richard will give me a hard time and wonder why i didn't do better then i did. and then i'll say, "because i'm an azn airhead, richard! i'm sorry!" but i know he won't buy it.
  
  i can't wait for these next two weeks to be over and done with.
  
  and yet i can wait, if you know what i mean. :-P

• i can't wait to get shit-faced.
  

f*cking hell

the subject of community property is (arguably) pretty straightforward.

so long as you stick to the general title presumption that all property acquired during marriage is community property and remember the ways that this presumption can be overcome -- as well as the other special presumptions and the other things like tracing methods and when to use van camp or pereira. . . .

shit, there is so much shit to try to remember!

but i looked at the sample answer provided by the calbar website, and there really is nothing sophisticated about it. in fact, it makes me feel like a moron. i scored lowest on that cp question.

but wanna know why i really hate community property?

because of the fucking moore approach.

a book i have provides this sample definition that it suggests we should recite if we should encounter a moore issue on the bar exam:

Under the Moore approach, the community acquires an interest in separate property assets if community funds are used to pay down loans against the property. The community interest is the amount of community funds paid to reduce the loan principal balance (c) plus the portion of total capital appreciation equal to the part of the original purchase price (b) paid for with community funds.

HUH? WTF --?!

and then in parenthetical reference, the book adamantly insists that we "must learn the math!" (yes, in bolded text, just like that), and it provides this explanation for how to actually put the moore approach to use:

If the house originally cost C and, at divorce, the value is V, capital appreciation is V-C.

okay. i'm with you so far.

If the community pays down the mortgage balance by amount P, the community has a right to that amount back.

good. makes total sense. still with you.

In addition, the community has an interest in the appreciation equal to (P/C x (V-C)). In all, the community interest is P + (P/C x (V-C)).

me: eyes glazed over, mouth agape, drool escaping from corner of mouth.

what the flying fuck does that mean?

damn it. i hate cp!

signs abbagirl is stressed out and/or needs a hug

1. i'm often cold when outside -- even though it's been 65 degrees here lately.

somehow, i just lose the ability to regulate my own body heat even more than usual when i am worked up and stressed out like this. i must either bundle up with layers or hover near a heat source.

seriously, my metabolism is out of whack. i drink lots of coffee and eat lots of junk, but despite not having worked out in, like, a month, my metabolism has jumped to hyperspeed. not to be all t.m.i., but i'm actually peeing things out almost as quickly as i guzzle 'em down.

weird.

2. i look like absolute crap.

the dark circles under my eyes make me look like a ghoul.

but know what? i'm totally beyond caring.

:-P

3. even the act of smiling, whether forced or genuine, can sometimes make me feel like crying.

or maybe it's just that time of the month.

4. despite having a crappy night the other night, a hug from my grandmother made it all worthwhile.

ever since i found out i failed the july bar, i've been laying low and pretty much have stopped seeing most of my extended fam. in fact, it's been perhaps four months now since i've seen most of them, except for one of my aunts. it's not like me; like, i otherwise usually stop my grandparents' house at least a few times a month and e-mail others on a regular basis.

so my grandmother was glad to see me. and when i saw the familiar crows feet by her eyes crinkle up as she smiled affectionately and gladly at me, i could feel the emotions swelling up (see 3. above).

i love my ba ngoai. she rocks. and she's fierce! don't mess with my grandma!!

5. even when tired, i still can't fall asleep because i start thinking about failing and my pulse starts racing, and then i end up having a poor night of sleep.

this should be read in conjunction with 2. above.

6. i'm appreciating the small things.

the small things give me a much needed mental reprieve more so than usual and make me remember that i should also enjoy being alive.

for instance, i relish the nice, clean feeling i get from shaving all my important bits clean.

and on saturday, when i took the lightrail downtown to my bar review class, despite the gross lingering smell of the hobos in the train car, i appreciated the smooth ride and how it kinda put me in a contemplative, meditative, soothing trance.

and i love studying with my dog curled on my lap. she's precious. it's a beautiful thing to have pets -- but even more so when they love you, trust you, and demonstrate their utmost loyalty to you. it's truly a gift.

i'm off to get ready for bed now. tonight, i fully intend to give myself sweet, blissful release. i deserve it! i intend to crawl under the blankets, languishly fall back onto the pillows, reach over to my nightstand to grab my stuff, then drive myself crazy and satisfy my lust by. . .

doing civ. pro. flashcards.

until i fall into hopefully restful sleep.

:) g'night.

priorities

the bar is the most important thing to me right now.

it is the portal through which new possibilities are awaiting me.

passing it may lead to a much-desired but never-before-obtainable career path.

it may bring me financial and job security.

it may allow me to be welcomed into the fold of that elite strata of society of that funky bunch of people known as attorneys.

it could change my life for the better -- or for the worse.

it is an all-encompassing goal that my life has been directed towards at for, like, ever now. it is the pivotal hurdle i have to leap over.

i should be concentrating on it to the exclusion of all else. nothing else should pass through my mind except visions of myself slowly, inexorably, yet with quietly assured confidence getting through the three-day examination and passing.

so then why am i letting myself get distracted from the task at hand?

why am i having such a hard time concentrating?

why have i spent the past two hours reading the same five pages of real property?

there are only two reasons, really, why i'm so distracted. . . . but they are two pretty big reasons:

1. because i can't stop thinking about someone i'm completely crazy about; and

2. because i need a cigarette again.

*sigh*

late-night introspection

for a while there, i had to really fight the urge to dash over to the smoke shop near my house to get cigs.

luckily, the craving only hit me during the late-night hours when this particular smoke shop is closed. i refuse to smoke anything but this one particular brand -- and that shop is the only one that carries it -- and sells it at discount to boot. :-D

but luckily, the craving has stopped.

instead, what i'm fighting against at the moment are the negative, self-sabotaging thoughts.

when i started my bar review class, i and the other folks taking the class were given a stern, arrogant talking-to by the attorney-instructor. he knew most of us were repeaters. and in that one night, he hit home for us why we were repeaters.

pretty much it all boils down to self-sabotage.

my friend waitress, j.d., has blogged about this aspect as it pertains to her. i empathize with her post a great deal, but my story, while similar to hers in many respects, is still a bit different.

my bio isn't worth going over. but suffice to say, i recognize that my challenge in conquering the bar exam has not only to do with making sure i understand the black letter law but also in having the confidence to go forward and beyond this test to the next level and actually be an attorney.

basically, that first night, the bar review instructor asked us rhetorically, "why do you want to pass the bar?"

then he paused dramatically.

"of course, your answer is 'to be an attorney!' but that's not what i mean. i mean, why do you want to be an attorney? what do you see yourself doing after you pass this bar? what are your plans?"

and that's what got me. my mind completely hit a wall. i have been so riveted on the bar exam since graduating law school. even when i chose not to take it and deferred it, i still thought about it. but i never envisioned, on a practical level, what would happen after that, were i to pass.

of course, i can see myself sitting behind a desk behind mounds of folders, looking great in these great suits i got tailor-made for myself when i visited vietnam last year (it was so cheap to do these suits -- and i look great in them! if i do say so myself ;) ). but what am i actually doing?

damned if i know.

i just never really thought that far because, short-sighted as i am, i only focused on this one singular, insurmountable barrier. do i want to be a lawyer? do i not? i don't even like most lawyers. but even this question of whether i like or don't like lawyers is a form of self-sabotage, too.

isn't it??

i think it is. . . . i think it was a way for me to accept being fine with not having become an attorney without even trying for it -- and then it became a way for me to justify failing the bar and accepting failure even before i got the results back.

this time around, my mindset's kind of changed. i am so much more relaxed than i was while studying for last july's exam. i am kind of more accepting of what will happen. if i fail it again, i may or may not take it again this summer. who knows. it helps that i have other options on the table that i am as passionate about completing. like, if i had absolutely no other career choice available, then yes, i'd keep at it. but that's not the case -- thank goodness.

every time i talk to one of my best friends from law school on the phone, she marvels at me. she marvels at how i just "troop through" stuff (that's her phrase). and i was surprised; i've always felt stigmatized and that my law school friends were always disappointed in me or talking smack about my underachieving tendencies in these recent years. so feeling somewhat embarrassed about the obviously admiring tone in her voice, i told her i didn't feel much like a "trooper" at all, having experienced so many set-backs. i told her i didn't even feel like i could hold my head up very high sometimes.

but she emphatically dismissed that, saying, "but you're still hanging in there! most people would've given up by now. i would've given up!" and she compared me and how i am today to how she used to know me when we were still in law school. "you're so much more calmer today than you were then, and more mature" -- (which is true -- i was a really young, naive, sheltered 21-year-old when i started law school) -- "there's no way i could do what you're doing. you're so much stronger now today than before, and much stronger than me."

exasperated but somewhat touched, i told her, "dude, there's no way you'd ever have gotten yourself in the same kind of situation as me. i'm totally lame!"

but good friend that she is, she wouldn't have any of it.

ugh. damned self-sabotage. i really don't know where i get that.

but i just really have this perpetual mind-set of believing that i simply don't deserve anything good, am not worthy of having good things happen to me, and even when good things do happen, i dismiss them as flukes or a result of lucky happenstance.

and i see that happening in relationships, too. and maybe that's why they all tend to go bad. . . . now don't get me wrong. i'm a girl who stands alone. i like being unattached, single, and having absolutely no obligations.

generally speaking, anyway.

that, of course, changes when i meet someone who rocks my world.

and then what tends to happen is just that i end up caring a bit too much and make the relationship all about pleasing the other person to the point of self-sacrifice. and i don't do it on purpose. i think i get it from my mom; we both love pretty rarely, but when we do, it is all in, and it's intense. nothing is too much to do for our loved ones. blood, organ, life, limb -- if you want it, need it, you don't have to ask twice; you got it. and the rest of the world can go to hell, but if you mess with someone we love, you better be prepared to go to hell, too.

but the idea behind it is that, somehow, you're not worthy of the love of someone else. and so the more you undertake physical actions that show what you'd do for another, what you'd give up, the more you show the other person that you are indeed worthy of being loved.

and i dunno. i used to think it was great to be that way. with everyone i love, it's all about loyalty and passion -- and showing that while it's one thing to say something, it's quite another to do it and prove it. actions speak louder than words, after all.

yet sooner or later, you do wonder what the hell you're doing and why you give up so much of yourself yet still believe that you aren't even worthy of the same in return.

and i'm thinking, now, that this is just another symptom of the self-sabotage, i'm-not-worthy-of-anything-good sentiment.

and i certainly don't think it's a condition unique to me. girls and women around the world suffer this to a certain extent. we're always taught to make our own needs and wishes subservient to those around us, particularly to male authority. but i think my tendency to do this has been exacerbated by the damned filial piety ideal that is embedded within confucianism and its practice. it really teaches young kids to be subservient to the will of parents, of elders, of older brothers and sisters, and to respected men. i respect confucianism for creating social order and the practice of venerating the wise and the elders.

but it sure can have screwy effects.

:-P

i think i do have a point as i rattle off these thoughts going on in my head tonight.

my point is maybe i am worthy of more than i give myself credit for.

maybe i deserve to pass the bar.

maybe i deserve to move on with my life if i don't pass.

and maybe i deserve the good things that happen to me as much as i deserve the bad things.

*sigh*

*shrug*

in any case, i do believe that there is indeed at least one important question all of us repeat bar examinees should ask ourselves if we find ourselves struggling with the insurmountable challenges that passing the bar exam poses.

and the question is not "how much have you studied?" nor "how many practice exams have you taken thus far?"

the question is, "why do you want to pass?"

my bar review instructor asserts that if you can't answer that question, just like i couldn't answer that question, then maybe, just maybe, we shouldn't be lawyers and should stop wasting our time, money, and effort. we should opt for a new career instead.

when he said that, i was chagrined and ashamed. he wasn't speaking to me directly, but i still sure as hell felt that he was.

so it's time to start thinking about whether we want it -- and if so, how much -- and where we envision ourselves and what our plans are.

why do we want to pass?

testing, testing . . . .

i am making a shy foray back onto blogger. it's been a good long month or so since my last post and my decision to temporarily/permanently stop blogging on here.

it was hard to stop. there were many things that happened, many ideas that occurred to me right after i put up that last post, things that i could not blog about except only as abbagirl. but i still could not bring myself to blog about them until or unless i discovered what the purpose of this blog should be.

i'm still in the midst of sorting it all out. . . .

in the meantime, with only one month until the bar exam, i only have one thing to say:

i need a fucking cigarette!!

;-P

i hate being a repeat bar exam taker so much. especially in my state, all the odds are stacked against you. traditionally, february bar exams have a pass rate that is about 10 to 15% less than the july exams -- and the pass rate is perhaps even half that for february repeat examinees.

it's hard not to have a heavy heart about these odds.

which is why i could use a damned cigarette right now. as of tomorrow, i will have gone 12 weeks without. that streak is currently in a tenuous state; i probably will not be able to hold out much longer. . . .

:-P

time to do a few practice essays. . . . hope everything is well with everyone!!

i need richard!

as much as that dear old man richard had begun to annoy me, in those last days of class leading up to christmas, i am finding that i need the old coot desperately.

i haven't studied all week!!

i need the discipline he provided. i need the structure! i need incentive to set time aside and to put earnest effort into studying.

without him, i'm floundering and aimless!

i started up my efforts at studying again yesterday. then got distracted because a friend called me and needed some help on something. and that ended that effort.

but i am trying again today. i've been at this coffee shop for about two hours now, trying to plow through a contracts outline.

for someone who hasn't studied much lately, i'm pretty sick of studying. i screwed myself over by waiting so long since graduating from law school to take the damned thing. the instructor of my bar review course, tim, pretty much said so. he said that the further removed you are from having graduated from law school, the crappier your chances are of passing. further, if you are taking the bar in february as opposed to july, your chances are even slimmer. and to make things even more disillusioning, he said that each time a repeat bar exam taker has to take the bar, his or her chances for passing grow more and more miniscule. to illustrate this point, the instructor held up his thumb and index finger only millimeters apart from each other.

he might as well have gone ahead and stabbed me in the gut 100 times.

so i'm keeping those words of warning close to my heart right now. i'm trying to get into the mindset that these are the kinds of words that should inspire me to defy the odds. i cannot fail again!

and yet i'm not feeling all that inspired. i just feel rather . . . down. among a whole host of other things.

it's really hard to precisely describe how i feel about the bar at this point because all the feelings are so conflicting. "down" is only one of the feelings.

i do feel a sense of determination. obviously, i do want to pass~

but i feel defeated already, like there's no point, no chance of success.

i feel like i'm not up to the task and just don't have the brain-power to surmount this shit.

i feel ashamed because i kinda skipped out of an extended-family gathering recently out of shame and fear of having to confess my failings to the family -- only to find out that my absence still caused them to talk about how i did not pass.

i feel irked because, having been out of work for as long as i have, everyone assumes that i am mooching money off my parents to get by -- which makes me mad! because that's not the case at all! sorry, but believe it or not, it's been all me so far. and i am actually quite proud of myself for learning how to curb what were otherwise really bad spending habits and learning to live frugally. financially, i am still doing quite well right now, thank you very much.

sure, i do give in to the urge to splurge when i need to -- i.e., my recent purchase of hanae mori perfume. but bottom line is that i take care of myself, just like i always do.

and i get the feeling that lots of people -- family, friends, and strangers -- are of the opinion that i'm only wasting my time by going back to school. it is not so much that i want to be a perpetual student so that i can avoid "facing up to reality" and "becoming an adult." screw the people who think that! for me, it's all about the pursuit of my livelihood. when i finally get myself situated into a career, i will be stuck for the next good twenty or thirty years of my life. it's therefore essential that, whatever i choose as my career, i will have no qualms about spending a good chunk of my life doing it and that i will always have passion for it.

screw these downers!!

so yeah, throw feelings of irritation into the mix as well.

but on top of all that, a part of me has nonetheless kinda bought into those criticisms. and i wonder what i'm doing wasting my time re-taking the bar and in applying to grad school.

yeah, i am starting to question the whole ph.d. thing, too. i am stacked knee-deep in student-loan debt that i don't think i'll ever be able to pay off during my lifetime. the idea that i'll be adding even more debt to my name makes me sweat cold bullets.

*big heaving sigh*

people don't know what it's like to be me!

it's gotten to the point where my face is seriously breaking out. i haven't had this kind of break-out since junior high! it's heinous!!

thankfully, i came across this post by sugarshock, which says that omega-3 has properties that are good for one's skin in addition to gads more other benefits. so i got myself some supplements the other day. i hope this solves the problem, and if it does, i will definitely start raving about it here on this blog.

seriously, i have no idea where this break-out comes from, other than pure stress. even though it is the holiday, i.e., goody-eating, season, my diet hasn't really changed. in fact, since i'm conscious of how much weight i tend to gain while in study-mode, i've actually been eating less. i still have my toasted bagel and cream cheese, plus coffee, for breakfast, and then rice or whatever for dinner. so i have really not been eating very much crap lately. . . . at least i don't think so . . . .

it's the damned stress!!! and i'm not surprised if i also have gads of white hair growing on my head! the last time i was at my stylist's, she had to pluck a good number of white strands out.

this law crap is making me grow old before my time -- and disgusting to boot!!

speaking of, it's time for me to go find some dinner now. my mom is making bun cha lua for dinner tonight, so i must rush over to her house. my tumbly is all rumbly now.

in the meantime, until bar review class starts up again, i'll be missing richard. i need him to help get motivated and thinking positively about the damned bar exam again.

richard! i'm so sorry i started getting annoyed by you. i need you! please save me!

bar review still going strong

i slept too much this morning.

but i couldn't help it. i was having a wacky dream, the details of which i can't even remember at this point. in the dream, there were lots of people i know and lots of people i didn't know, and we were on some mission together because some other distrustful people had been messing with us. and so we were plotting together, a la mission: impossible, a retaliation.

it's one of those dreams where you hover in and out of consciousness and know you should get out of bed because it is starting to be late morning. but the dream keeps you interested and eager to see how the end plays out.

in the end, i missed out on the ending because my dog couldn't take it anymore and woke me up. she really had to go pee.

an update on bar review study: this week, we're doing mbe questions. one subject per day, and we have to have all our questions answered by the time we get to class, where we will then watch a video-tape of all the answers being reviewed -- kinda like pmbr. tonight's subject is con law and i am all set and ready to go, having sat down and done all the questions yesterday evening.

i got comments back on my timed multi-state essays yesterday. good lord. i got a lot of criticism. like, good god damn! and i don't mean that in a whiny way. i mean that in a good way. like, keep them coming!! i want to pass so bad. the more constructive feedback i can get, the better. i want it -- keep crackin' that whip and beating my ass!



i'm going to try to get away to the gym this afternoon before class starts. i didn't work out at all last week, what with trying to complete a few grad school apps and having to do all my homework for the bar review class. i'm at a place where i can finally breathe a bit more easily, though, and so a good gym session will be just the thing i need.

i was studying at starbuck's yesterday. there was a cute asian girl there studying criminal law. she is still a law student; she had her text book right there. at one point, she got up to take a smoke break outside. i looked after her a bit longingly but, at the same time, i tried to ignore her.

it's not that i crave a cigarette, per se . . . .

well, maybe i do. just a little.

but i also miss the reprieve that it always gave me and the psychological sense of comfort.

i miss it. i really do.

at the same time, i really don't want to smoke, either. i'm hoping that in quitting this time, i'm quitting for good.

well. unless i'm drinking with other smokers, i mean. then i can't guarantee anything.

i'm glad i stopped, though. it does make me feel like crap and makes it so much harder to breathe. i feel cleaner and healthier now. and all it took for me to quit was going on a complete smoking binge for 24 hours straight after finding out i failed the bar.

hmm. imagine that. :-P

and i think those years of smoking were starting to take a toll on my face. i feel like my face was beginning to lose its elasticity and that everything was starting to sag. i'm too young to lose my adorable asian babyface!

more essay-writing . . . .

i have just emerged from a well-needed hot shower. it's made me awfully warm and sleepy. but unfortunately, i can't turn in yet. the night is still pretty young, and i have gads of stuff to do before dawn. . . .

i'm kinda glad i lost my personal statement to the unpredictable glitches of technology this morning. that essay was kinda utter shit, and i managed to re-do it so much better. i'll be re-working it tonight and hopefully can get my three apps. into the two-day mail as of tomorrow morning so that they can arrive at their respective destinations by the 15th, this saturday.

as for bar review class tonight. . . .

ugh.

b-o-r-i-n-g!



it's kind of a double bind for me. i know i need all the help i can get in passing the bar and figuring out how to improve my score. and yet it's so painful to be there, because damn it, i know the law and how to write! and it is just so redundant to have these things pounded into my head again!

if you're a repeater, you know what i'm talking about. we know this shizz. we've already put in the time for three years learning all this stuff! arrgh!

it's just frustrating. i know i should be patient and just deal. but i can't help being frustrated, too.

richard told us a couple of times tonight, both at the start of yet another three-hour practice session and at the end, how proud of us he was. and he guffawed loudly when i told him that i was only there because i was afraid he would get pissed and yell at me the next time he saw me.

ha! no, he's too sweet to yell and get mad. but i am afraid of his displeasure. he'd get on any of our butts if we missed a class for any reason. i know i've said it before, but . . . he cares about our success.

seriously, i think he's so great because of how much he cares. :)

the practice session wasn't too tedious tonight, as compared with yesterday. this time, we had to write essays on evidence, real property, and wills.

what tonight taught me is that i'm pretty comfortable with wills questions. but i'm back to being pretty weak in regards to real property and evidence.

ugh!

on a whole other note: i was in sephora the other day. god, i love sephora! and it was so hard not getting everything i wanted. but i did have to get this one thing . . . . i happened to be browsing through the fragrances and got a whiff of this one by hanae mori. . . . and it was over for me. had to get it. i'm telling you -- smells fantastic! and this comes from someone who's really picky about fragrances; i'm not a fan of overpowering, nausea-inducing scents, and i feel that most fragrances out there are pretty heinous. but hanae mori is fantastic!

i know -- don't tell me i shouldn't have! i know i should be more careful about counting pennies! but seriously, if you've ever had the chance to smell this one, you'll know why i couldn't resist!

plus, dude! i just failed the bar exam! there might as well be a big ol' "L" tattooed on my forehead! if anything, i should be entitled to knowing that i at least smell amazing. :)

morning gone awry

gah.

what a start to the day.

i've been cleaning dog puke all morning.

then i found i lost my most updated version of my personal statement.

on top of that, my friends keep asking me to go out with them, and i keep having to turn them down.

DUDE.

i can do without this chaos!

actually, everything would be bearable, including the lost personal statement (i was going to mail 'em all off this afternoon, too), if i didn't have to deal with the dog puke. my dog puked in four different spots, and i had to search high and low to make sure all the puddles of bile were accounted for.

and you know how it is when you have to clean puke; you feel your own throat start gagging. bleh! really, that's twice this week alone that i have dealt with puke on or near my person. i can do without!

damned dog.

so i have to hurry up with the personal statement, print it out thrice, make sure everything is properly in their envelopes, then go to the post office, and then to class. and hopefully, i can do it all by five-thirty. but it depends on how much i can re-do my personal statement by then . . . .

i hadn't saved my personal statement last night. when i went to bed, i left my lap-top on. and then this morning, i went to my lap-top, which had been snoozing; i woke it up; and all i got was a black screen.

dammit!! everything was gone!!

ugh! so kinda back to the drawing board again! i have to re-write it. not that it was the greatest essay every written -- but still! :-P

whatev. i just have to tell myself to take deep slow breaths and just roll with the punches. all i want is to get these apps outta my hair! it'd be nice to just have to concentrate on studying for a change without having to worry about all other extraneous deadlines.

and i'm getting annoyed with my friends. i feel like a broken record. no, i cannot hang out with you tonight. no, i cannot drink. no, i cannot spend even just one day snowboarding. i mean, thanks for the thought and all. but you know it's crunch-time, don't you? you know that i cannot get distracted for a single second, otherwise my whole study routine will be thrown all a-kimbo, right? and you do realize how important this exam is to me, don't you?

i know they miss me. i don't blame them. ;) but i still need to close myself off from the world! and when i explain it to them how important it is to give my undivided attention to the damned bar exam, they do understand. . . .

at least for a while . . . .

and then the whole cajoling starts up again about one or two weeks later. :-P

i'm tempted, though. goodness knows, i really could use a drink. maybe at least once or twice between now and the bar, i can let myself have a cocktail or two. . . .