late-night introspection

for a while there, i had to really fight the urge to dash over to the smoke shop near my house to get cigs.

luckily, the craving only hit me during the late-night hours when this particular smoke shop is closed. i refuse to smoke anything but this one particular brand -- and that shop is the only one that carries it -- and sells it at discount to boot. :-D

but luckily, the craving has stopped.

instead, what i'm fighting against at the moment are the negative, self-sabotaging thoughts.

when i started my bar review class, i and the other folks taking the class were given a stern, arrogant talking-to by the attorney-instructor. he knew most of us were repeaters. and in that one night, he hit home for us why we were repeaters.

pretty much it all boils down to self-sabotage.

my friend waitress, j.d., has blogged about this aspect as it pertains to her. i empathize with her post a great deal, but my story, while similar to hers in many respects, is still a bit different.

my bio isn't worth going over. but suffice to say, i recognize that my challenge in conquering the bar exam has not only to do with making sure i understand the black letter law but also in having the confidence to go forward and beyond this test to the next level and actually be an attorney.

basically, that first night, the bar review instructor asked us rhetorically, "why do you want to pass the bar?"

then he paused dramatically.

"of course, your answer is 'to be an attorney!' but that's not what i mean. i mean, why do you want to be an attorney? what do you see yourself doing after you pass this bar? what are your plans?"

and that's what got me. my mind completely hit a wall. i have been so riveted on the bar exam since graduating law school. even when i chose not to take it and deferred it, i still thought about it. but i never envisioned, on a practical level, what would happen after that, were i to pass.

of course, i can see myself sitting behind a desk behind mounds of folders, looking great in these great suits i got tailor-made for myself when i visited vietnam last year (it was so cheap to do these suits -- and i look great in them! if i do say so myself ;) ). but what am i actually doing?

damned if i know.

i just never really thought that far because, short-sighted as i am, i only focused on this one singular, insurmountable barrier. do i want to be a lawyer? do i not? i don't even like most lawyers. but even this question of whether i like or don't like lawyers is a form of self-sabotage, too.

isn't it??

i think it is. . . . i think it was a way for me to accept being fine with not having become an attorney without even trying for it -- and then it became a way for me to justify failing the bar and accepting failure even before i got the results back.

this time around, my mindset's kind of changed. i am so much more relaxed than i was while studying for last july's exam. i am kind of more accepting of what will happen. if i fail it again, i may or may not take it again this summer. who knows. it helps that i have other options on the table that i am as passionate about completing. like, if i had absolutely no other career choice available, then yes, i'd keep at it. but that's not the case -- thank goodness.

every time i talk to one of my best friends from law school on the phone, she marvels at me. she marvels at how i just "troop through" stuff (that's her phrase). and i was surprised; i've always felt stigmatized and that my law school friends were always disappointed in me or talking smack about my underachieving tendencies in these recent years. so feeling somewhat embarrassed about the obviously admiring tone in her voice, i told her i didn't feel much like a "trooper" at all, having experienced so many set-backs. i told her i didn't even feel like i could hold my head up very high sometimes.

but she emphatically dismissed that, saying, "but you're still hanging in there! most people would've given up by now. i would've given up!" and she compared me and how i am today to how she used to know me when we were still in law school. "you're so much more calmer today than you were then, and more mature" -- (which is true -- i was a really young, naive, sheltered 21-year-old when i started law school) -- "there's no way i could do what you're doing. you're so much stronger now today than before, and much stronger than me."

exasperated but somewhat touched, i told her, "dude, there's no way you'd ever have gotten yourself in the same kind of situation as me. i'm totally lame!"

but good friend that she is, she wouldn't have any of it.

ugh. damned self-sabotage. i really don't know where i get that.

but i just really have this perpetual mind-set of believing that i simply don't deserve anything good, am not worthy of having good things happen to me, and even when good things do happen, i dismiss them as flukes or a result of lucky happenstance.

and i see that happening in relationships, too. and maybe that's why they all tend to go bad. . . . now don't get me wrong. i'm a girl who stands alone. i like being unattached, single, and having absolutely no obligations.

generally speaking, anyway.

that, of course, changes when i meet someone who rocks my world.

and then what tends to happen is just that i end up caring a bit too much and make the relationship all about pleasing the other person to the point of self-sacrifice. and i don't do it on purpose. i think i get it from my mom; we both love pretty rarely, but when we do, it is all in, and it's intense. nothing is too much to do for our loved ones. blood, organ, life, limb -- if you want it, need it, you don't have to ask twice; you got it. and the rest of the world can go to hell, but if you mess with someone we love, you better be prepared to go to hell, too.

but the idea behind it is that, somehow, you're not worthy of the love of someone else. and so the more you undertake physical actions that show what you'd do for another, what you'd give up, the more you show the other person that you are indeed worthy of being loved.

and i dunno. i used to think it was great to be that way. with everyone i love, it's all about loyalty and passion -- and showing that while it's one thing to say something, it's quite another to do it and prove it. actions speak louder than words, after all.

yet sooner or later, you do wonder what the hell you're doing and why you give up so much of yourself yet still believe that you aren't even worthy of the same in return.

and i'm thinking, now, that this is just another symptom of the self-sabotage, i'm-not-worthy-of-anything-good sentiment.

and i certainly don't think it's a condition unique to me. girls and women around the world suffer this to a certain extent. we're always taught to make our own needs and wishes subservient to those around us, particularly to male authority. but i think my tendency to do this has been exacerbated by the damned filial piety ideal that is embedded within confucianism and its practice. it really teaches young kids to be subservient to the will of parents, of elders, of older brothers and sisters, and to respected men. i respect confucianism for creating social order and the practice of venerating the wise and the elders.

but it sure can have screwy effects.

:-P

i think i do have a point as i rattle off these thoughts going on in my head tonight.

my point is maybe i am worthy of more than i give myself credit for.

maybe i deserve to pass the bar.

maybe i deserve to move on with my life if i don't pass.

and maybe i deserve the good things that happen to me as much as i deserve the bad things.

*sigh*

*shrug*

in any case, i do believe that there is indeed at least one important question all of us repeat bar examinees should ask ourselves if we find ourselves struggling with the insurmountable challenges that passing the bar exam poses.

and the question is not "how much have you studied?" nor "how many practice exams have you taken thus far?"

the question is, "why do you want to pass?"

my bar review instructor asserts that if you can't answer that question, just like i couldn't answer that question, then maybe, just maybe, we shouldn't be lawyers and should stop wasting our time, money, and effort. we should opt for a new career instead.

when he said that, i was chagrined and ashamed. he wasn't speaking to me directly, but i still sure as hell felt that he was.

so it's time to start thinking about whether we want it -- and if so, how much -- and where we envision ourselves and what our plans are.

why do we want to pass?

tentative major freak-out session in thinking about the bar exam, no. 1

when i think about it, i realize it is a big mistake telling as many people as i've had about having taken the calbar.

i tried to keep the circle as small as possible -- firstly, because i am usually among those who are first to scorn the so-called "lawyer" types, a.k.a., money-grubbing jerks. i would lose credibility as a human being if it were known that i deride the character of other attorneys -- while also still striving to be one of them.

secondly, i just don't want to be freakin' embarrassed when the results come out and my name is not on the list of persons who passed. . . .

damn it.

and then i would have to start the whole process yet again -- of retreating from employment, stretching out my meager savings, and losing a good chunk of my year towards re-studying for the damned thing and losing all vestige of a social life once more.

i know my friends and family will ask me how i did when the results come out. who wouldn't?

well, i wouldn't. if i knew someone had taken the bar and that results had just come out, i would not ask a single question about the bar exam, period. it's not my place to bring it up. but if the person wanted to talk about it, i would listen.

unfortunately, not everyone adheres to my kind of code of politeness and decorum.

so they will ask me. and i know i will have to answer them.

the only thing i can control is the timing of their questions.

i won't let them ask me whether i've passed until i'm good and ready.

so i will leave town the weekend before results are to be posted. i will probably head out on i-80, since that is the piece of road i am most familiar with, and lay low in the beehive state for a few days. i have some old friends who moved to vegas after law school, so i am thinking of then heading south to visit them there after that . . . .

who knows. i think when the results get posted, i will have become rather aimless and will let my state of mind dictate where i will end up. as my emotions go, so will my direction of travel.

what will be hard is coming back, after those two weeks -- or however long i stay away, maybe more, maybe less -- to face people. i know they will let their curiosity get the best of them and they will demand to know.

fine. if they want to know, i will tell them.

but what a way to find out who really knows and understands you. the person who asks me instantaneously whether i have passed, without even a preliminary "how are you?" is not a person i want to be around. i've cut people out of my life for lesser reasons than that.

i'm not into superficiality. if you're going to only value my worth on a superficial level, i want nothing to do with you.

but perhaps i'm superficial, too -- at least in regards to my own self. passing this one state exam has really become the end-all and be-all of my existence, and it will be a blow to me if . . . . well, i don't even want to say the words.

. . . . not to be so crabby. or depressed. i still have a long way to go before i know -- a good 40 or so days now. i am getting nervous, though. this morning, i read through frustrated bar examinee's posts, which describe a tumultuous morning of anxiously waiting for the bar results to come out on the internet. just reading those posts made me queasy myself. frustrated bar examinee did find out that s/he had passed, which seems to have made his/her whole day worthwhile. but i do wonder and worry about those who did not do well. no matter what, it takes a lot of heart to be able to accept the fact that one has failed an exam for which one has poured a good amount of heart, soul, effort, blood, and sweat, and then try to go through that process again. i think that, when you finally are able to pass, after having taken the bar more than once, you appreciate a little more where you are and the opportunities you know have before you.

i dunno. or maybe that's just me waxing philosophical and trying to find the silver lining in the clouds.

or perhaps i am just rambling. i am a bit tired at the moment. it's been a long day.

40 days.