it's a hard-knock life

ah, what a life.

it's so hard being unemployed!

the employed don't understand that.

it's such a dilemma trying to decide when to wake up and get out of bed; when to eat meals; whether to hit the gym when the sun is up or when the sun is down; and which video game, exactly, i'd like to play for the day.

for the record, the decision today was to play ultimate alliance. :)

using the fantastic 4:

it's seriously major fun! and quite addictive. i like using mr. fantastic because he's all rubbery, and when he punches bad guys using his stretchy arms, it looks like he's giving them pathetic little bitch slaps.

:-D

i've been so lazy about doing my next batch of applications. theoretically, it is a no-brainer to do them. you just need to fill out a standard application, which is about four or five pages long; get your curiculum vitae ready; and update and "personalize" your cover letter. and i do pretty much have everything done; i just need to collate them and stick 'em into the envelopes.

but i am so lethargic, it's not even funny.

obviously, this unemployment thing is a mixed bag. the good thing about it is that my time is mine and i can do whatever i want whenever i want for however long i want. i can take my time in recuperating from the bar and getting all my personal affairs into order.

the bad part is that, well, i feel like i'm wasting time and am not being productive. and of course, there's the money thing.

and i'm also kinda worried about my 'tude about the bar right now. i feel so . . . detached from it, like it didn't even happen.

it's not that i'm not worried. i am worried. i don't want to know how other people wrote their answers; if i do, i will likely freak (as i did the other day). and i don't want to take it again, either. in fact, i will be devastated if i find out i failed again.

but at the same time, i have completely stopped worrying about it. my mindset has gone almost completely back to normal. i rarely think about it at all.

and it just makes me wonder if karma will come and kick me in the butt because of this. like, i'm sure i'll be punished for being so blase and that my punishment will come in the form of not finding my name on the pass list on may 16th.

i just know it!

at the same time, i am waving a middle finger. screw it!

i think the reason why i feel so nonchalant right now is because i think i'm totally burnt out on the failure thing. i'm done with the whole self-deprecating "why me?!" internal yelling. i'm over it! i'm ready to move on!

i've mentioned that this time around, i feel that passing the california bar exam is within my reach. it is attainable. the only issue is when. when will i pass?

because of that reassuring realization, the whole mysterious aura of the bar, its unattainability, is gone. before, i wanted to pass, and i didn't know how to get there. now, the mystery is over, and the veil of unattainability has been pierced. the exam is just so transparent to me right now, and i refuse to let my life remain on hold because of it.

it has also helped that i have been envisioning for myself alternative plans in case the attorney thing never panned out. one thing i've always tended to do is just "let" things unfold. i'd undertake a series of random, tentative acts, and the road i'd choose to follow would depend on what paths opened up as a result of those random, tentative acts.

that's how i inexplicably ended up in utah. that's how i ended up going to law school instead of grad school. that's how i ended up getting the most random-assed jobs that anyone would've thought possible.

and i still do this to a certain extent. it is just . . . natural, given my character and personality, and also because it's just kinda fun to be able to open oneself up to random choices and have all sorts of fun paths to choose from. and i'm actually continuing to do this right now, to a certain extent, as i wait for a state job to come my way and for grad school letters to start flooding in.

but the important thing is to not let myself get all boxed in and feeling like i've got no choice.

there is always a choice to make. and most importantly, we are all agents of change. we're the only ones who have the power to make ourselves happy. and what i choose is to not dwell on the bar exam and to let it be the bane of my existence and happiness.

i choose to enjoy life.

in the meantime, i'll continue to take advantage of this time off while i still have it. tomorrow, i'll finish sending off more applications (i still have about 20 to do). and after i do some running . . . i think i'll play me some kingdom hearts.

really. it's soooo hard being unemployed.