it's really 'cause i have been a bit tired lately, especially last night. i went and had dinner. it was an okay, pretty light-hearted time. but it wore me out. after i blogged on here yesterday, i had to go straight to bed. i was unconscious and in a blissfully dreamless state before my head even hit the pillow.
but i am just getting butterflies in my stomach thinking about november 16th, the day the results are released (at 6:00 p.m., pacific standard time). they're not the good kind of butterflies, but the wretched ones. they really are bouncing around uneasily in my tummy.
notice i have not been mentioning how tough it is to refrain from smoking anymore?
yeah, it's because i quit quitting. i am on my second pack for the week. i didn't even make it to 10 days of being smoke-free.
i am sure each cigarette is subtracting a year from my life. but i can't help agitatedly puffing on one when the mood strikes.
because i am so tired, i am also looking rather grubby today. i am basically still wearing the white vee-neck tee that i went to bed in, and i just pulled a thin, deep vee-neck, charcoal-colored hoodie over it (it's too thin -- i am pretty cold here at the office) and slid into a pair of jeans. i am hoping i am not looking as grubby as i feel if only for the fact that i always wear designer jeans. :) and then i just slipped my feet into a pair of converse that i got recently -- i don't know what you call them, but they're the ones with no laces. i love converse sneaks, and these ones are pretty cute -- they're a mostly dark color, with black rubber treads, and they've got little pink broken hearts all over them.
broken hearts. how fitting.
:-P ;)
but i must do what it takes to keep perspective and try to stop thinking about anything that can get me down.
i must be up-beat!
i also have a minor sense of foreboding about working on an intermittent basis for that other office. i am being loaned out by my current office to one in the legal department. i was definitely excited at first -- and still am, because i don't mind adding a bit of experience and knowledge about something i'm not familiar with to my professional repertoire. but i can't help being apprehensive, too.
you just have to worry when your new boss keeps joking or talking in surreptitious whispers about the negative office politics rather incessantly.
it was funny at first. but really, uneasy jokes on the same subject on a persistent basis soon loses its charming luster. it is just not an indicator of anything positive.
so i went back over to the legal department yesterday afternoon. the new boss gave me a general run-down of what i should expect to do. but she really couldn't talk any specifics (red flag!). and there is no general process or procedure to really adhere to (red flag!). and her door was open so she kept whispering when referring to other people who worked in the office (high, elevated alert!). and then she brought in someone whom i came to sense was her b.f.f. of the office who kept giving me strange, apprehensive, and rather suspicious stares (sound the alarms!! *wonk wonk!!* time for massive evacuation!!).
not to jump to conclusions about people. LOL hopefully, my first impressions turn out to be completely erroneous.
but i have a feeling that they won't be completely off.
that's the thing with any bureaucracy, though. you get a lot of great, smart people working at the higher levels and getting promoted through the ranks fairly quickly. but at the same time, a lot of these people lack the kind of social and leadership skills that earn them the respect of the people they oversee. i'm not sure if the private industry is any better -- but in all the public sectors that i've worked in, and i've worked in perhaps four or five, or maybe six, at this point, it just comes to be rather glaringly true.
except for my current boss -- the real one i work for, not the one to whom i'm being loaned. he really has the loyalty and respect of his people well in hand. in fact, my loaner boss has wondered incredulously the past two days, to both me and my real boss, about how he has managed to maintain such a positive vibe in his office.
i must really think about something positive.
two of my favorite bands ever are playing in reno this weekend: the go-go's will be playing a show on saturday, october 6th, and social distortion has a show on sunday, october 7th.
what sucks about being a punk-hearted, twenty-ish, asian-american girl living in this town, though, is that the other people i hang out with, mostly other asians, do not tend to like cool bands like the go-go's or social distortion. reno is only a couple of hours away, and i would totally go see one or both the shows . . . . but i hate going to shows by myself . . . !
everyone i know over here is more into kanye and other hip-hop peeps whom i know nothing about.
it really is a pity. they don't even know who the traveling wilburys are!!
O_O
they just look at me agape when i happen to have it playing in my car.
at least i'm not making them listen to marilyn manson. you'd think i was subjecting them to some form of painful torture or something.
i love the traveling wilburys. you not only have george harrison, my favorite beatle, in the band, but also one of my favorite crooners, roy orbison, and that bad ass tom petty. and then there's jeff lynne and bob dylan, too. the best, yet most short-lived, band ever!
"handle me with care" -- traveling wilburys
now i'm off to a staff meeting. damn it.
