tentative major freak-out session in thinking about the bar exam, no. 1

when i think about it, i realize it is a big mistake telling as many people as i've had about having taken the calbar.

i tried to keep the circle as small as possible -- firstly, because i am usually among those who are first to scorn the so-called "lawyer" types, a.k.a., money-grubbing jerks. i would lose credibility as a human being if it were known that i deride the character of other attorneys -- while also still striving to be one of them.

secondly, i just don't want to be freakin' embarrassed when the results come out and my name is not on the list of persons who passed. . . .

damn it.

and then i would have to start the whole process yet again -- of retreating from employment, stretching out my meager savings, and losing a good chunk of my year towards re-studying for the damned thing and losing all vestige of a social life once more.

i know my friends and family will ask me how i did when the results come out. who wouldn't?

well, i wouldn't. if i knew someone had taken the bar and that results had just come out, i would not ask a single question about the bar exam, period. it's not my place to bring it up. but if the person wanted to talk about it, i would listen.

unfortunately, not everyone adheres to my kind of code of politeness and decorum.

so they will ask me. and i know i will have to answer them.

the only thing i can control is the timing of their questions.

i won't let them ask me whether i've passed until i'm good and ready.

so i will leave town the weekend before results are to be posted. i will probably head out on i-80, since that is the piece of road i am most familiar with, and lay low in the beehive state for a few days. i have some old friends who moved to vegas after law school, so i am thinking of then heading south to visit them there after that . . . .

who knows. i think when the results get posted, i will have become rather aimless and will let my state of mind dictate where i will end up. as my emotions go, so will my direction of travel.

what will be hard is coming back, after those two weeks -- or however long i stay away, maybe more, maybe less -- to face people. i know they will let their curiosity get the best of them and they will demand to know.

fine. if they want to know, i will tell them.

but what a way to find out who really knows and understands you. the person who asks me instantaneously whether i have passed, without even a preliminary "how are you?" is not a person i want to be around. i've cut people out of my life for lesser reasons than that.

i'm not into superficiality. if you're going to only value my worth on a superficial level, i want nothing to do with you.

but perhaps i'm superficial, too -- at least in regards to my own self. passing this one state exam has really become the end-all and be-all of my existence, and it will be a blow to me if . . . . well, i don't even want to say the words.

. . . . not to be so crabby. or depressed. i still have a long way to go before i know -- a good 40 or so days now. i am getting nervous, though. this morning, i read through frustrated bar examinee's posts, which describe a tumultuous morning of anxiously waiting for the bar results to come out on the internet. just reading those posts made me queasy myself. frustrated bar examinee did find out that s/he had passed, which seems to have made his/her whole day worthwhile. but i do wonder and worry about those who did not do well. no matter what, it takes a lot of heart to be able to accept the fact that one has failed an exam for which one has poured a good amount of heart, soul, effort, blood, and sweat, and then try to go through that process again. i think that, when you finally are able to pass, after having taken the bar more than once, you appreciate a little more where you are and the opportunities you know have before you.

i dunno. or maybe that's just me waxing philosophical and trying to find the silver lining in the clouds.

or perhaps i am just rambling. i am a bit tired at the moment. it's been a long day.

40 days.